CHAPTER 20: Sad Beautiful Tragic
Despite feeling like she'd finally won the nightmares didn't stay away. They built up through the night, starting with her brain replaying her mother dying and then moving on to horrible dreams of losing other people like Petunia, James and Sirius until she was all alone. As she grew more alone, the nightfall settled into her brain and she was suddenly back on the Manchester stage. Smoke swirled around her vision and silhouettes rose through the smoke like ghosts. She asked who was there, she demanded they show themselves and she regretted when they did appear. The solid forms of Peter Pettigrew, Tom Riddle and Severus Snape circled her with perilous looks that chilled her to the bone. Lily screamed at them to go away, but they just got closer. She heard her heart race quicken in her chest and she felt like she'd run a whole marathon.
Then, they jumped at her at wolves pouncing on prey.
Lily bolted awake in the darkness of her bedroom, sweating and panting. Beside her, James sat up too, doing so quickly after feeling her jolt awake. He sleepily reached across the bed, his hands cupping her face. She leaned into his soothing touch, keeping her eyes wide open so she wouldn't close them and see her night terrors again. Her were shaking as she reached up to feel his own heartbeat.
"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to wake you."
"What's wrong?" James asked, "are you okay?"
She shook against his hold, "just another nightmare."
James sighed deeply and pulled his hands down to her shoulders until he had a proper grip to pull her into a firm hug. She fell into his hold, her face pressed against his chest. The room was black, the only light coming through the cracks in the blackout curtains across the room. Lily's fingers played against his chest; her gaze forlorn into the desolate oblique status of her room.
"I was back in Manchester." Lily explained, "and they were all there. Peter. Riddle. That boy from Manchester. They wanted to hurt me."
James kissed the top of her head before saying, "I won't let them hurt you."
Lily shifted in his arms, "I just worry about what they're going to do to me once they scheme together."
James nodded against her, "I know, but you need to sleep."
They settled back against the pillows, James keeping a tight grip on her. His fingers raked through her red hair. Lily calmed you the sound of his rhythmic breathing.
"What's on your schedule today?" James asked.
Lily shrugged and moved out of his arms only for a second to grab her phone from the bed stand. The phone light bathed both their faces in a white synthetic light that made them blink wearily. She had messages from friends back in California, but she ignored them as she flicked open her calendar. Lily looked at the schedule for the day, relieved to find it was mostly empty.
"I have an interview tonight." She said, "and I've got to call my dad, he still doesn't know what's going on."
"He's going to be so mad." James pulled her closer, "plus you'll need a new manager."
Lily frowned, "I know."
James played with her hair a moment longer before he said, "what if you hired Samantha?"
"As my manager?" Lily turned so that she was partially facing James in the darkness, "you think?"
"I mean she's been working for Peter," James reasoned, "so she probably has a good handle on your things already."
James had a solid point when concerning her best options. Samantha had spent almost a year under Peter Pettigrew's nose. She's likely been doing a lot of the dirty work for Peter since he'd been too busy making deals with Tom Riddle behind closed doors. Still, Lily didn't know if Samantha would even be open to helping manage Lily's life. It's not like Lily was an easy person to manage with her constant place in the tabloids.
"I'll ask her to come over tomorrow," Lily said softly, "but I was going to ask my dad to take over for the time being."
James brushed his fingers along her cheek, "I don't think your dad would be open to taking Peter's place and Samantha wants that job, she told us herself."
"You're right." Lily drew her knees up, "either way, I need a new manager."
"I just hope your lawyer finds a way to sue Pettigrew." James' tone changed with his resounding anger over the situation Lily had found herself in.
"Me too."
Lily's lawyer Albus had promised Lily that he was going to go through the entire document pile that Samantha had found. Albus was determined to find a way for Lily to sue Greater Goods Entertainment and subsequently, Peter Pettigrew. They'd tricked her in her most vulnerable time, as a kid. Now, as an adult they'd tried again when they saw how unwilling she was to fight anything. Lily was an easy target for them because she'd stopped questioning everything and anything to avoid her anxiety attacks. Lily had almost handed Riddle and Pettigrew another five albums of her life.
James, Lily and Sirius spent the day working together to pull together Lily's bank accounts, shut down her website and rearranged her interviews before the Piper premiere. Samantha was over at Lily's flat two days later, helping Lily sort through hundreds of emails and details that Peter used to control at his office. Samantha was more than willing to help, citing that she'd been doing the same thing as his intern.
"Thank you again for helping," Lily told Samantha over lunch, "I couldn't possibly pass this all off to my dad, he's never managed any of my business. My mum was always the one who did it before Peter took over."
"It's the least I can do." Samantha promised Lily, stirring her salad with her fork, "I feel bad that Peter told you guys that I put out that photograph."
"Hey," Lily nudged Samantha politely with her foot, "don't worry about it, Peter lied to a lot of us."
Samantha smiled a toothless smile, "I still feel like I need to help you sort all this stuff out, since he was kind of a dick."
Lily quirked her eyebrow at Samantha, "kind of?"
"Okay, he was a dick." Samantha laughed and Lily laughed along with her, "but still, I want to help."
Lily tilted her head at Samantha wonderingly and opened her mouth, only to close it again. Samantha noticed her weird stare and put down her fork, sending Lily a similarly jumbled stare.
"What?" Samantha asked.
Lily put down her burrito and leaned her elbows onto the table, "Samantha, how would you like to take over as my manager and help me manage some of this stuff?"
Samantha's eyes were wider than dinner plates, "what?"
"Come on," Lily urged, motioning to the laptops they'd set aside, "you clearly know what you're doing, and I like hanging out with you. I'd pay you well and you can have holidays off—"
"You—you want me to be your manager?" Samantha brushed her braids back from her face, "as in your manager? Lily Evans."
Lily laughed at Samantha's disbelief, "yeah, if that sounds like something you'd be open too."
"Yes!" Samantha put her hands on her cheeks, "one hundred percent, yes!"
James entered the kitchen as the girls hugged and he put down the cat, which he'd been carrying from upstairs. Juniper raced out of the room, likely going to hide herself away. Sirius followed right behind James, wearing a swim trucks and clearly on his way to the pool.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked as James settled on top of the countertop closest to the girls.
"You're looking at my new manager," Lily told James and Sirius, "Samantha took the job!"
James looked between the two girls before saluting Samantha, "here's to a new job, Samantha, cheers!"
Sirius stuck out his hand to Samantha, "atta, girl!"
Samantha shook Sirius' hand, grinning wide, "thanks, Mr. Black."
"As my manager," Lily said, taking Samantha's hand again, "I relinquish you from ever having to formally address me or my family ever again."
"Of course." Samantha snickered nervously before adding earnestly, "And I promise I'll do a good job! I won't fail you! I'll run everything by you, no shady contracts or records deals. I won't make you go to stupid Halloween parties dressed as a stupid Princess. Everything is your say, like it always should've been."
"Be careful giving Lily too much freedom." Sirius said, playfully hip checking Lily, "she likes to find trouble."
Samantha shook her head, "she won't be any trouble at all."
"Until the eventual court case when I'm sure Peter will try to defame her." Sirius said with a roll of his grey eyes.
"Let him try," James said, "I've met her fans, trust me when I tell you that Lily could kill the man and her fans would defend her in court."
"I do have the best fans in the world." Lily hummed, grabbing her burrito, "speaking of which, I need to go on tumblr…"
"Tumblr?" James and Samantha asked in unison.
Lily pulled out her bedazzled phone, "I'd like to tell my fans what's going on, so that way they don't feel blindsided when no album comes out after Piper."
"I think that's a good idea," Samantha said, "most of your fanbase looks to you when something goes awry. This will eliminate the possibility of the media to get ahold of the story first and twisting it."
"That's what I think too," Lily pulled up the application and started typing.
For the last couple of years, I worked with Peter Pettigrew under his record label called Marauders Records. Yesterday, I walked away from Marauders Records despite my previous promise to release a new album with them by the end of the year. You see, I was blindsided. Peter Pettigrew never owned Marauders Records as the company was funded through Greater Goods and Entertainment. Most of you will recall I announced I had left Greater Goods Entertainment right after my second album came out. Since day one, Peter led me to believe that Tom Riddle (the owner of Greater Goods Entertainment) had no part in my future as a recording artist. This was a lie. I found evidence Peter was working for Tom Riddle the whole time. Riddle is a man who relentlessly bullied me and my friends from Sing It! to get whatever he wanted. Essentially, my musical legacy is about to remain in the hands of someone who tried to dismantle my career when I challenged his.
This is my worst-case scenario. This is what happens when you sign a deal at seventeen to someone for whom the term 'loyalty' is clearly just a contractual concept. He called me an asset, in his paperwork, not even bothering to call me by my name. When I left Greater Good Records to join Marauders Records, I made peace with the fact that Tom Riddle owned my first album. Never in my worst nightmares did I imagine that Peter and Tom were keeping me dangling on a string between them like a puppet. He knew what he was doing; they both did.
I currently don't have a label. I don't know if I'll be able to find a record company or feel comfortable signing with one after being betrayed by someone I had once counted as family. I want to give you guys my new album, Fearlessly Red, as soon as possible. All of the songs are so personable and telling of the last year and a half. You deserve to have this next chapter, but I refuse to let my story be used and distributed by someone who doesn't even care about it. I hope you can forgive me for having to take a step away in order to evaluate what comes next.
I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments and your fame, But if you just focus on the work and you don't let those people sidetrack you, some day when you get where you're going, you'll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there and that will be the greatest feeling in the world.
All my love,
Lily
James, Sirius, Alice, Frank and Samantha all read the post before Lily clicked 'post' and started the revolution. After only ten minutes, her post had gone viral. It was being placed on every platform and Samantha was having a hard time keeping up on her laptop. They were cheering as other celebrities tweeted in support of Lily, including other artists on Marauders Records. Everyone was livid that Peter had tricked his artists into believing they were in an independent label. Slowly, it became clear that everyone in Marauders Records supported Lily.
"#standwithLilyEvans is trending on facebook and twitter!" Samantha said excitedly.
James cracked his knuckles, "If this doesn't get Pettigrew and Riddle fired up, nothing will."
"They already released a statement."
Lily looked at the phone to read the statement from Greater Goods Entertainment.
As Lily Evans' partner for almost a decade, we were shocked to see her tumblr statements yesterday based on false information. Since Lily's decision to resign with Marauders Records last fall, we have continued to honor all of her requests to hold back due to personal mental issues.
The truth is, Lily has lied to not knowing her contract was predominantly owned by Greater Goods Records. We have worked diligently to have a conversation about these matters with Lily to productively move forward. However, despite our persistent efforts to find a private and mutually satisfactory solution, Lily made a unilateral decision to enlist her fanbase in a calculated manner that greatly affects the safety of our employees and their families.
Lily, the narrative you have created does not exist. All that we ask is to have a direct and honest conversation. When that happens, you will see there is nothing but respect, kindness and support waiting for you on the other side. We share the collective goal of giving your fans the entertainment they both want and deserve.
-Greater Goods Entertainment
"What fucking arses." Sirius said, "I can't believe this!"
"I can." Samantha said, "they're the bad guys and everyone knows it, Marauders Records and Greater Goods stock dropped dramatically in the last hour since Lily's post."
Sirius looked at Lily who was overwhelmed by everything, "Lily?"
"Yeah?" she looked up at her best friend, "what?"
Sirius licked his lips, "I'm quitting."
"Sirius!"
"I'm not going to produce for them!" Sirius defended himself, "I'll talk with some friends in LA about a new producing job, okay? But I'm not working for these arseholes."
Lily felt her lower lip wobble and she hugged Sirius firmly, "Love you, Sirius."
"Love you too," Sirius hugged her back, "I can't wait for you to get the best of Pettigrew and Riddle."
For once, the world was on Lily's side and Lily was ecstatic. She'd taken a stand against her users and won public recognition. They celebrated with champagne by the pool, laughing and toasting to real friends. Sirius left first, having to catch a flight to Los Angeles. Mary came by the flat around five, right after Samantha left with a little pep to her step.
Mary had designed a gorgeous gown for the Piper premiere, the colors mixing like a dark sunset. Mary did the last-minute finishing touches on the dress, taking long enough that everyone else in the house had gone silent. Lily knew James was upstairs in bed, waiting for her. Frank was downstairs watching the cameras. Juniper had long since disappeared, likely in Lily's bathtub upstairs.
By the time Mary left after deeming the dress ready for the premiere, Lily was aching to go to bed. She climbed up the stairs quickly, passing Frank and only waving to her night guard sleepily instead of initiating a conversation. Lily slipped into the bedroom to find James leaned over on the bed, scrolling through something. He looked up when she came in and he gave a soft smile, clicking his phone off.
"Hey Red."
"You're going to love the premiere dress." Lily told him, taking her robe off and hanging it on the closed door, "Mary outdid herself this time."
"Better than the big bird dress?" James quipped.
"It's strapless," Lily said, "and it's the color of the leaves in Lake Placid."
She realized he wasn't actually listening, he was staring at his knee, where the bands connected his prosthetic to his body. Lily tilted her head at him and purposefully slipped her hand onto her hip. He still didn't look up when she locked the door behind her.
"I asked Mary to make you a suit." She said, when he continued to remain quiet.
That made him look up, hazel eyes wide, "a suit?"
"Alice is going to be my guard that night," Lily explained, taking her hair from its bun, "and you're going to the Piperpremiere as my date."
"As your date?"
"Well its finally official that we're dating so you can go with me, as my boyfriend."
He reached out his arms for her, "come here."
Lily did as he asked, walking over to the bed only to end up straddling him and pressing her nose to his, "why are you so quiet?"
"I just keep thinking about how confident and stunning my girlfriend is." He kissed her, making her melt.
She pulled back to beam at him, "so, movie premiere?"
James touched her cheek, "your boyfriend's a little rough around the edges for a move premiere, don't you think?"
"Rough around the edges," she scoffed, kissing him smoothly and soundly, "you're soft to me."
He hummed against her mouth, leaning back and bringing her down with him. He was soft, she wasn't lying. He kissed her with the lightest of movements, his fingers dancing across her bare arms like she was made of porcelain. Lily tried to deepen the kiss, but he turned them so that she was forced to slide off him. He kept his nose close to hers, clearly not done.
She touched his jaw tenderly, "I want you to have a normal date night with me, not as my bodyguard, but as my boyfriend who I love more than anything."
"Are you sure?" James muttered, "I don't want to take away from your magical Disney Princess premiere."
"You there at my side will make it even more magical." Lily swore, "I want you there more than anyone else."
James kissed her again, this time smiling against her mouth. Lily felt his body shift and she was under him, a position she'd rarely found herself in while snogging James. She wasn't complaining, loving feeling his weight settle into her. Lily's leg slid against the metal of his prosthetic and the temperature change made goosebumps raise on her skin as they kissed. His hands buried into her red hair, using the leverage to guide her mouth against his.
"Do you want to know the hardest thing about loving you?" he whispered against her mouth, his fingers sinking against the back of her neck.
"What?" she asked, "my love for Ramen as a primary food group?"
"The hardest thing was feeling like I was not allowed to love you." James said, tucking her hair behind her ear, "It was hard enough in the beginning when we first met. I spent endless nights lying awake, hoping and praying that you'd love me back. Then when you did love me...fuck…I got so scared you'd change your mind. Sometimes, I'm still scared you'll change your mind."
"I won't ever change my mind." She hummed, kissing along his jaw, "so don't worry about that."
"Are you positive?" he pulled back almost enough that he shifted off her, the exact opposite of what she wanted.
She glared intentionally at James, "what's wrong?"
James shrugged, his hands leaving her hair to prop himself over her, "nothing."
"Nothing," she scoffed, "somethings wrong."
James leaned down, pressing his forehead against hers, "I guess I'm feeling a bit self-conscious, to be honest."
Lily tucked her hands into him, "what, why?"
James touched her face with one hand, "just one of those days where I wonder why you picked me."
Lily frowned, realizing he was doubting himself again and she had no idea why he'd do that. Lily sat up and James followed her, like she was gravity. Lily climbed up higher on his lap once he was sitting, her hands grabbing his cheeks and forcing him to keep his eyes on her. She searched his gaze for the answer to his sudden relapse into himself. She kissed him softly, slowly, savoring each movement of his lips against her own. When she pulled back, she kept him close by with her fingers.
"Why not you?" she whispered, "why do you never believe me when I tell you that I don't want anyone else?"
"I think I can make you understand." James touched her face tenderly, "wait here?"
"Yeah."
She was sad that James had to untangle himself from her grasp. She watched as James walked out of her room and into the old room, the one he used to sleep in. He came back in with the little notebook she'd seen over two months before. It was still worn and drawn over in black and blue pen. James sat down on the edge of her bed and handed her the notebook. Lily eyed James thoughtfully before opening the little notebook to the first page.
Dear Remus,
It's been two months since you since we last saw each other. The counselor lady told me whenever I feel sick or…wrong…I should write you three good things that happened.
1. Today I got into the bath without help.
2. Today I ate sitting up in the bed.
3. Today I was moved back to England for intensive care.
I don't even know why I'm doing this...it's not like you can read it.
It's not like it'll bring you back.
James
Lily furrowed her brow and looked up at James in wonder, "is this you?"
James nodded, reaching over to flip to a new page, "I've been writing letters to Remus almost every night since that first page. Look, here's where I got the prosthetics…"
Dear Remus,
Three good things for today:
1. The docs fitted me with a gel insert for the prosthetic, it doesn't hurt as much now when I run with Annie.
2. I didn't black out at all this week, but I still have nightmares if I don't take the drugs they gave me. Old McGonagall said the nightmares probably won't ever go away, but they'll fade with time.
3. I had a good late birthday dinner with your mum. I slipped some of my stipend into her purse after dinner. It wasn't too much, but she'll probably still notice. I'll just play dumb.
James
Lily's fingers traced the ink, the indentations left by a James Potter she'd never known.
Dear Remus,
I'm running!
Well, in a pool.
I'm working up to land.
I wish you were here…
He wrote with the same heartbreak she'd first experienced as a writer.
Dear Remus,
Today was Christmas.
I did fifty push-ups.
Your mum invited me over for dinner and, shocker, she didn't burn the mince pie.
I miss you.
Everything was so candid and special and unique. It was all James.
Dear Remus,
Four good things today.
I was discharged from the veteran hospital.
Annie's wife Clara baked me vegan cookies.
Minerva helped me move into my new little flat in London
and d'you know what? As she was leaving…she called me a hero.
Lily wiped a tear from her eye as she delved further into his notes. James sat beside her, reading along with her, fiddling nervously with the bedspread. Lily felt like she was getting an inside look to how James operated and even though she'd gotten to know him almost inside and out…reading the pages was a new intimate feeling within itself. When Lily got to the year and month they'd met, she felt herself growing edgy.
Dear Remus,
Three more good things about life.
I saw Frank Longbottom for the first time in years.
I pet a dog, a big black lab, this morning on my run.
I might just have a real job soon.
I miss you.
Lily flipped the page and her heart dropped in her throat when she saw her name in the corner note.
Dear Remus,
I know I normally write about good things but at my new job tonight something happened. I was being security for this famous singer and a kid let this homemade bomb go off trying to get on stage. It wasn't even as bad as the roadsides we used to see but it's like my whole body just froze, and then, all of a sudden, I was back there again. I was with you again.
I hesitated long enough that the girl, Lily Evans, could've been killed. I managed to get her off stage while my coworkers named Alice took care of the crazy stalker fan, but I still feel stupid for hesitating. Minerva talked me down the rest of the night but it's 3am and I had to go for a run. It didn't help.
Three good things.
1. I have a job that pays well
2. I met a pop star and I think she might hate me
3. She smelled really nice?
Lily looked up, the tears falling from her eyes as she chuckled, "you thought I hated you?"
He flushed, "Why are you laughing?"
She sniggered through her tears, "I thought you hated me!"
"Impossible."
He laughed too, tears flickering in his own eyes as he pressed his lips to hers. Lily only kissed him back for half a second, tearing herself away to read more of James' letters to Remus. She was savoring each one.
Dear Remus,
1.Started my official job as Lily Evans' bodyguard
2.I got a care package with new shoes from Annie and her wife Clara.
3.I talked to Minerva today and we're going to have dinner next week
Lily looked up at James, feeling so in touch with him. She glanced back down at the book hungrily, eager for more of their story from his perspective. Her fingers traced along the edges of the paper as she drank in every word.
Dear Remus,
She's not what I expected when I started. She's got everything in the world at her fingertips, but she acts so scared of living. Yesterday, a bird hit the window and I saw her jump off the sofa. She tried to pretend like nothing was wrong. I think she pretends a lot.
Three good things:
1.I have my own room and it comes with a walk-in shower which means no more tripping over a tub to take a shower.
2.The sunsets here are gorgeous and remind me of Godric's Hollow
3.I got my first real paycheck and paid off my credit card so I'm out of debt again
"James this is so..." Lily whispered, "God…I wish I'd known you understood me so quickly."
James' neck flushed, "I just had a hunch."
Lily flipped to the next page.
Dear Remus,
This woman eats absolutely nothing but Ramen noodles and chocolate sweets.
I think you'd like her a lot.
She laughed again and looked at the next page. James was rubbing her back as she read through his diary. She loved all the little pieces of James that shone through the writing.
Dear Remus,
I found her eating chocolate pudding in the middle of the night in her underwear. I asked her why she didn't have a cook. She said she wants her privacy. I think I might like her more than I should since I'm her bodyguard. It's foolish to even think about. Someone like her could never love someone like me. She's all glitter and dresses and private jets. I'm just a broken solder who has to write to his best friend…who'd dead…I think I should call Minerva. I'm slipping back into a depressive mood and I can't afford to lose myself around her. I have to keep her safe.
Lily continued flipping through the letters, finding some more emotional than others.
Dear Remus,
I think she might have PTSD like me but Lily's so much better at managing it than I am. I lay in bed and hear her screaming her bloody lungs out sometimes. At least she's brave enough to fall asleep. Half the time I don't like going to sleep because I hate being alone.
Lily looked at James in wonderment and he tilted his head at her, "What?"
"I hated sleeping alone too." She swallowed back her emotions, "I hated being alone."
Dear Remus,
I went running this morning and I can officially say that running on sand is hard as fuck. You'd absolutely love it of course. I wish you could see Malibu. The mansions are a sparkling array of wealth spread along the coastline. Lily's prick of a boyfriend showed up and then left promptly. She's cried almost every night. I want to talk to her, but I know it's not my place. Frank says her boyfriends have always been the type to only show up on their terms. I wonder why she doesn't see she deserves so much better.
"I told you." Lily said, grabbing his hand and pulling it to her lips for a kiss, "you're so much better for me than anyone or anything."
James leaned forward to press a kiss to her temple.
Dear Remus,
She's drinking like I did right after I lost mum and dad. I know it's not my place to say anything to her but it's getting harder and harder. Lily thinks I regret getting assigned to her. I suppose that's good; it means she can't tell how utterly mad I am about her laugh…or her eyes…her in general. She also snores. A lot.
Lily smacked his arm, "I don't snore!"
James snickered and pressed his forehead to her shoulder, "you do though."
"I do not!"
She would've kept arguing but more entries had caught her eye.
Dear Remus,
1.I heard her singing again and she really does have the voice of an angel.
2.She wrote a new song on the piano
3.Frank said it's the first time she's written anything in months
4.There are still bottles lining her kitchen and I don't know if I know her well enough to intervene yet, but I'm about to try.
Lily pointed to that entry and nudged James with her elbow to look, "I have the voice of an angel? That's it? Nothing about the lyrics?"
James laughed at her attitude, "sorry, did you want a full critique?"
"Preferably."
"I'll need another eight hundred pages then."
She laughed then she continued her journey through James' book, which was retelling their love story with each entry.
Dear Remus,
1.Frank and Moody are worried about how close Lily and I have grown but Lily's not because Lily even requested that I go to the Emmy's with her.
2.She's been a little quiet the last few days so I'm happy I'll be able to keep a close eye on her that night.
3.I beat my own PR running on the beach this morning!
"James these are amazing." Lily whispered as she read through the notes, "can I use some of these for lyrics?"
James itched his head, "lyrics? From this?"
Lily nodded, "some of these are so poetic."
Dear Remus,
I can't do three good things today. I tried. Lily saw my prosthetic. I don't know if I could tell her what happened. Missing you like this is hard enough. I told Lily about my nightmares. I think, the more I open up to her, the more she opens up to me. I'm going to get her a chocolate milkshake on my break. Those were your favorite when you were having a bad day. Lily reminds me so much of you Remus. It's almost like you're here sometimes when I'm talking to her. It's getting harder to resist her clear need for friendship and guidance. I want her and Minerva to talk but Sirius is worried Minerva will sell Lily's personal stories to the media. I just have to earn their trust. Once they trust me, I might be able to talk them into trusting Minerva. Until then, I'm going to take what I learned from Minerva and Annie…and I'm going to help her. She needs someone to help her.
James pointed to the next entry, "this is my favorite."
Dear Remus,
1.Lily took me to Disneyland with her.
2.I won against her in astro-blasters and after I won, I wanted to kiss her
3.She thinks I'm perfect.
4.She saw my prosthetic and knows about my nightmares
5.but she thinks I'm perfect.
"I do think you're perfect." She remarked, kissing his cheek, "don't forget it."
Dear Remus,
Three good things:
1.I slept through my first thunderstorm
2.Lily broke up with Roosevelt officially
3.Lily said she needed me
Three not-so-great things:
1.I only slept through the thunderstorm because Lily was next to me in the bed
2.The whole world thinks Lily cheated on Steven Roosevelt with me
3.Lily doesn't want someone like me
Lily pointed out the entry, "see this is where you're wrong."
"Am I?" James asked, truly interested.
Lily scooted closer to him, pressing her head to his, "this book just solidifies the fact we're meant for each other."
"How so?"
"Don't make me get my guitar and sing every song I've ever written about you." Lily threatened, "your letters to Remus will look tame compared to what I have to say about you."
"You haven't written that many songs about me." James adjusted under her gaze, "I wrote a letter every night about you."
Lily tilted her head at him in disbelief before she climbed off his lap. She went under her bed, dragging out a purple and gold box. She pulled all the papers out of it, tossing them on the bed. She sat next to James as she started reading through the lyrics she'd written for the next album. Lily placed her chin on his shoulder as she watched him pour over her hand-written lyrics like they were her own letters to Remus.
While James read her lyrics, Lily read his letters. They were both lost in each other's minds.
Dear Remus,
1.Lily moved everyone to New York
2.We've grown even closer
3.I don't want to hope but it's comforting to know she's trying so hard to get me to give in to the sparks between us because it means that she feels them too.
Dear Remus,
I told her about you. It didn't hurt as badly as it used too. I wish it didn't hurt at all. I almost told too. I almost told her how I feel. I almost told her how badly I want her when I'm alone at night. Every time I didn't tell her, I almost did. Fuck. I'm screwed.
Dear Remus,
I had a nightmare. I told her I wanted her to stay with me, not just last night, but every night. I told her I didn't want to lose her. I told her if I breech my work contract it's over before we even started. She sang me to sleep. We went for cupcakes. I almost kissed her again. Twice. She keeps saying 'fuck the contract' as if the contract is the only thing holding me back. She doesn't know though; she doesn't know how wrong I think I am for her.
And then I kissed her anyways.
Dear Remus,
1.I can't stop kissing her.
2.I slept thought most of the night
3.We're going upstate…alone…
Dear Remus,
I'm in love with her.
Dear Remus,
I've only known her seven months.
Is it crazy I want to give up everything I worked for?
Is it mad that I love her so much I wouldn't hesitate to step in front of a bullet for her?
Is it sad that I don't think I could live in a world without her anymore?
Do you think it's insane that I want to marry this girl?
Lily's fingertips traced the words that affirmed James wanted a future with her.
James wanted to marry her.
James tore her away from the book when he cleared his throat and said, "these are your best lyrics yet, Lily."
Lily leaned over his arm to see he was reading some of her more recent lyrics she'd written in the last two weeks. She smiled proudly at them, knowing they were as good as he was claiming.
"This next album," she swore, "it only exists because of you, James."
James turned his head to stare at her with wonderment, "me?"
Lily threw his journal down, climbing back onto his lap and placing a kiss wherever she could reach, "James I meant it when I said I could write a whole album about how you make me feel."
"And I could write a book on all the things you've said," he whispered, "that make me feel human."
James put down the handwritten lyrics and let his fingertips drag along her arms. Lily leaned into his touch, feeling as if she were in heaven as his fingers trailed a pattern on her skin. She kissed him, only for him to deepen the kiss. Papers fell to the floor as he lifted the rest of her clothes off her body. His clothes followed the trend with little time to spare as they fell into a dance that their bodies had craved since the very first time.
The paper crinkled underneath them as they settled into a dance to no music. James made Lily his own amongst the words and lyrics they'd made for each other. He touched every inch of her with a desperate need that had their bodies crashing into each other like waves to a shore. He truly was the love of her life and she didn't ever want him to forget how much he meant to her.
They fought each other for the upper hand in the attempts to worship each other. She felt like clay under his hands, which were shaping her into a passionate lover like Aphrodite. It could've lasted for hours, Lily didn't know. It was just James on her mind.
James was everywhere.
The next morning, they both went jogging through Central Park, stopping to visit the zoo with a cup of Starbucks tea afterwards. Scarves were wrapped around their necks to battle the New York winter. James held her hand as she marveled over wolves running and playing with each other in the brisk December air. Lily leaned against James for warmth and they simply enjoyed a day to themselves, Lily's only obligation being a meeting with her lawyer Albus to discuss the court case against Peter.
James accompanied her there too, even though he was technically off work. Lily was thankful for his hand to hold as Albus went over the documents page by page with Lily. Their worst fears were confirmed, and Peter had control of her past. Tom Riddle owned almost everything Lily ever made.
"Be thankful Miss Clark discovered these before you resigned with Marauders Records." Albus told Lily kindly, "or Pettigrew and Riddle would've owned your future albums too."
"So, he owns all my old ones?" Lily asked, "Change and Love Story? Kaleidoscope? Roses? All of them?"
"Yes."
"How do I get them back?" Lily demanded, "how do I sue Pettigrew and Riddle for my rights to the masters?"
Albus rubbed his white beard uncertainly, "there's not a way, Miss Evans, you signed the contracts."
"But they tricked me!" Lily's lower lip trembled, "they stole them from me!"
She was too sad to cry but she couldn't stop shaking. All her past lyrics and hard work. Lily's entire discography was in the hands of two men who could care less about Lily or her fans. James rubbed her shoulder, whispering words of comfort as Albus showed her the legality and terms of the contracts she'd signed. By the end of her meeting with Albus, Lily was ready to go home.
The premiere was the next day and she felt like she'd gotten thirty years older in just one day. She felt stupid for trusting Peter so wholeheartedly. Lily was happy she'd gotten out of his clutches and she knew it was a new beginning, but change was scary, and she was scared.
Lily supposed that's what started her irritability. The only problem was that she hadn't realized that she wasn't the only one who wasn't dealing with her problems proactively. When she got out of the shower, she saw James was bent over his phone again. He had one hand fisted in his hair and he looked stressed. Lily didn't know why she did it, but she grabbed the phone from James.
"What are you up too?"
It was meant to be jokingly, until she glanced at the screen and saw what he'd been staring at. James stood up quickly, trying to grab his phone back from her but Lily put her hand out to pause him. She scanned the screen, flabbergasted. The other tabs were similar articles.
Lily Evans and James Potter: Star-Crossed Lovers
JAMES POTTER: WHO IS HE?
The Bodyguard: An Analysis of Lily Evans' relationships that led her to James Potter
Lily bit her lip as she read the article he'd currently been reading. It was by Rita Skeeter, the troll of the woman who couldn't leave well enough alone.
It is tempting to say that the union of Jily was cooked up in a panicked publicist's office. It's tempting to say that expert breakup lyricist Lily Evans urgently needed a professional, tactical, romantical distraction. It's tempting to believe that maybe a British soldier trying to break away from war, sensed an opportunity to become something more here. Maybe those two urgent impulses led to them standing in the greenhouses in England, having a perfect kissing moment, while a person with a camera stood not so far away and took pictures.
But—but—it is also equally possible that it was real. I mean, this happens, right? Beautiful people fall in love, don't they? And these two made a kind of sense: they were similarly earnest and tragic and broken. He had that James Dean daydream look in his eyes; she got his heart racing in her skintight jeans. Can we leave room for the notion that they fell in love?
A contact close to the pair say it started days after Lily Evans slapped her ex Steven Roosevelt in front of my own two eyes. Steven Roosevelt is saying Lily Evans cheated on him with the bodyguard and photos of the two at Disneyland before the #evansvelt break up certainly prove this theory. #jily ate dinner in restaurants; they traveled to England to meet her family and to Upstate New York where they were spotted snogging like teens inside a barn. But how soon till Lily Evans doesn't like how the route of the relationship is going? How long until the normativity of James Potter is no longer what the Pop Princess wants? After all, James Potter's broken, one leg down since a tour in a war zone left him crippled. Lily Evans has always been known for her taste in men, she likes them shiny and new.
Nothing about James Potter screams shiny or new.
Lily looked up from his phone crossly, "what the fuck are you reading this shit for?"
And she shouldn't have snapped so badly but she was tired and now, she was worried he'd actually believe the shit people were writing. It was no wonder he was so self-depreciating the night before. It was no wonder he'd fallen back into his old habits of doubting them.
"I wasn't." James muttered, taking back the phone and stuffing it in his jeans.
"Looks like you were." Lily crossed her arms, "is this why you were so sad last night?"
"Yeah."
"Why do you even—how could you believe—James this is garbage press! It's all lies!"
"I mean," James ruffled his hair, "I'm not the typical man that you've dated in the past."
"I'm not the same girl I was before Manchester!" Lily said, grabbing his hand and spinning him to look at her, "James! What do I have to do to make you remember I picked you? I will always pick you! I love you!"
He lifted his eyes to her face devastatingly, "I love you too."
Lily took a faltering step back, "why'd you say it like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you don't love me!"
A hard look in his eyes replaced the forlorn look, "of course I love you!"
"Then why are you sitting there believing articles from shit tabloids?" she demanded, "why are you worried about us?"
"I'm not worried about us." He said, "You know that I love you, but you've got to give me a break! I'm not from this world you are! I wasn't even looking for them—they just came up on my phone! And you're so famous and sometimes I forget that! And then the tabloids wanted to remind me that you've lived this extravagant lifestyle and I don't belong in that world, Lily!"
Lily's lower lip trembled, "reading Rita Skeeter articles won't help that!"
"She's right though," James sat on the edge of her bed, "I don't belong in the spotlight."
"Stop it, James." Lily warned, "I can't handle this right now."
James looked up at her, "then maybe you won't be able to handle it at all because that's not a feeling that will disappear overnight."
Lily pushed her fingers into her hair, annoyed, "You're being stupid, James."
"Am I?" James stood up, his own anger flaring, "am I so stupid to think you could wake up one day and want to trade me in for a richer, whole man?"
"Yes!" Lily screeched, stomping her foot like a child, "I want to wake up to you kissing me so deeply we never leave bed! One day I want to wake up to our kids making us breakfast and getting pancake batter all over the kitchen! I want to wake up with you at my side forever!"
"I love you," he whispered, "but Lily, I don't want to keep you from the world you were meant to be in."
"The only world I want to be in, is a world with you in it." she said furiously, "why don't you get that?"
"I do," he whispered, "I do, Lily, I want that too, but I don't want to see you hurt."
"You're hurting me right now!" she pushed out of his arms and wiped her tears.
Suddenly, the bedroom door slammed open. James grabbed Lily and flung her behind him. James turned to face the door, finding Frank Longbottom standing there panting. Frank's face was white as a sheet. Lily grew concerned behind James' protective stance.
"Frank?"
Frank looked at James in horror, ignoring Lily, "I need your help."
Lily's heart beat fast, "What is it?"
"It's Alice," he said, "somethings wrong with the baby; I need James to drive me to the hospital to see her."
Lily sent a desolate look at James before grabbing her keys on her desk and tossing them at James, "My car is parked out front."
James held open the door for Lily and she wished she had time to say more to him, but Frank was already racing down the staircase. Lily chewed her lip as she locked the door behind her bodyguards. She wished she could go with them, but she sensed that she wasn't invited. No one wanted something like hospital visits to be overshadowed by a pop star.
Lily grabbed Juniper, forcing the cat to cuddle with her on the sofa nearest to the door. Lily flipped through tumblr while she waited but that only made her feel worse when she saw photos of her and James together. She felt guilty for snapping at him. She felt guilty for fighting with him. She just felt guilty.
James walked through the front door three hours later, his hair twisted around his face. She jumped up, dropping Juniper and her phone to the floor. Alice and Frank didn't follow James through the door.
"Alice?" she asked worriedly.
James placed the keys on the table by the door, "yeah, uhm, she lost the baby."
"No." she covered her mouth and felt tears sting her eyes.
James rubbed his neck, "I'm going to go take a shower, it's been a long night."
Lily grabbed his wrist before he could leave her completely alone, "Stay with me tonight?"
He only nodded, slipping from her grasp. That night when he climbed into bed, he didn't hold her like he usually did. They slept on opposite sides of the bed. Lily cried silently, tears slipping onto her pillow until she couldn't take it and got up to take the longest bath of her life. James and Lily hardly spoke the next morning, if only because they hardly had the chance.
Lily had three interviews that morning alone. The day was rainy, and she felt like she was back in England as she walked the New York City streets. The interviews were long and even more emotional. Everyone wanted to know what was happening with Marauders Records. Everyone wanted information on James. Everyone wanted to know everything that was happening in her life. All Lily could think about was losing her albums, feeling James hold back and that Alice had lost her child.
Lily was in hair and make-up for Piper by noon. Mary stopped by around four to dress Lily in her gown. By the time the sun was sinking below the clouds it was time to go to the premiere. The glow on the dark pavement was almost golden, mixing with the dusky colors of Lily's ball gown. Her slim hands were holding her pink ruffled umbrella close to her body. It was protecting the massive amounts of make-up and expensive clothing, but Lily couldn't help but feel the umbrella added a sense of 'touch-me-and-I'll-beat-you-with-this-umbrella' to her already anxious expression.
Lily's famous red hair was twisted up into the nape of her long neck with hundreds of little braids forming the bun. She looked like a duskier, modern version of Juliet from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet thanks to the dress' draping sleeves and her intricate hairstyle. She was breathtaking and if James were anything close to Prince Charming, he'd sweep her onto his white horse and ride away with her into the sunset.
It's just too bad they didn't live in a fairytale, or Lily and James might've actually had a shot at happily ever after. Some parts of their life together seemed fairytale-like, especially the parts she was trying too hard to forget. She thought of nights where his hands were trapped on her skin like she was a magnetic field. She remembered burning kisses under sheets and laughter on the New York Streets.
Lily glanced behind her to spot him staring at her like she was made of fire. He acted like if he touched her again, he might get burned. He was standing so close, but he felt so far away. James wore the suit Lily had made for him.
The tie matched Lily's dress.
It marveled Lily that James thought he would never be good enough for a Hollywood darling like her. The truth was, he looked like her soulmate even when he stood so far away. He was made up of a thousand shining little pieces that she so admired. She held on to the look he gave her, wanting to scream at him to hold her hand.
But he had to be her bodyguard tonight.
Alice and Frank were taking a few days off, to mourn. Lily couldn't blame them, but she also couldn't help but feel like James was trying so hard to stay professional because she didn't have another bodyguard besides him. She just wanted him to kiss her, love her and swear he wasn't mad about their stupid fight.
"The car is here."
His gaze was fixated on her, instead of the dark corners of his vision. Even now, he stood a little behind Lily as the car pulled in to take her to the movie premiere. His black suit faded into the blackened building behind them. Lily glowed like a goddess under the lamps on the street and he was dark, like a shadow. It was tragic, loving someone so unsure of themselves in a world built on false confidence and succulent lies. She wanted to ask him to dance right there in the rain, but she resisted, her blood still blistering from their tête-à-têtes the night before.
She still wanted his long nights when the thunder was so loud it scared both of them under the covers. She wanted to keep him laughing over French toast in the mornings and dancing to music in the afternoons. She wanted his rainy days and his sunny mornings. She wanted to have ten kids and teach them all how to dream with his sense of childlike wonder.
He was a broken man; twisted and fashioned by all the cruelties of the world.
She was a Hollywood darling; twisted and fashioned by all the treasures in the world.
Together, they made a beautiful and tragic fusion of real life and fairytale.
Lily's chin turned slightly to catch James in her gaze just as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through his hair. The car door was opened by the driver and she paused before getting in, sensing his turmoil just by looking at him through her dark lashes. He was distracted, not the best thing to be as her personal bodyguard, but he couldn't help it.
They were both lost in their own nightmares and insecurities.
The rain covered Lily's arm like dewdrops as she lowered her umbrella and closed it for James to take. His lips were pursed tightly, and Lily felt her heart go numb as the rain started coming down in sheets again. James stared up at the sky angrily, clearly mad it was raining. The rain dripped down his curly hair and onto his neck, highlighting his best features.
Damn, he was absentmindedly making Lily want him more.
Lily's hand touched James' for a few moments. She watched as he shook out the umbrella. He settled into the seat beside her in the car, shutting the car door so the limo driver could start driving down the road. She picked at her nail polish on her fingers, a tell-tale sign that she was nervous.
"I hate this city."
Her voice is harsh, stark, and a reminder of the sliver of darkness she hid from the world but never from him. James had only known Lily officially since May, but she felt like James had known her for years. James turned his head in the darkness of the car to catch Lily gazing out the window forlornly.
"Tomorrow we can go back to London." He said, "if you want."
"I don't want to go there either."
The driver was slow, navigating the busy New York City streets. Lily fiddled with her pocketbook, nervous about making an appearance when so many things had happened in the last 48 hours.
"You look beautiful tonight." James said and she flushed with pride from his admittance.
Her dress was a mixture of reds, golds, and browns. It was form fitting on the top and fairy-like on the bottom. She always liked to dress according to her emotions and the dress made Lily think of a Princess, ready for battle. The only problem was that the battle she was trying to fight, she was losing, no thanks to James' stubbornness.
Lily's hand touched her cheek, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she whispered, "I'd rather be in Lake Placid, with you, alone."
She was thrown back to the cabin, her hands caught up in his hair. She remembered steamy tubs, snowstorms and frayed curtains blowing in the wind. She was imagining his hazel eyes, vividly tracing her body as she pulled him headfirst into her room, fearless.
Lily turned in her seat suddenly and caught his gaze. Between them, silent words passed. She sensed his sadness, his similar feelings of regret. They both sucked at emotions sometimes. She shouldn't have pushed him. Her hand slipped across the leather seats and her fingers laced into his. They were both silent in that moment, determined to remember why they started and where they ended.
He finally plucked up the courage to speak, "I meant what I said. You look beautiful tonight, Red."
He used her nickname affectionately, trying to make up for lost time. Lily bit her lip back, something stopping her from saying anything at all. The driver took a sudden turn into the venue and she felt him drop her hand. Lily tried to grab it again, but he shook his head.
"I need to be focused." He told her, "I promise I'll never let go of your hand after tonight."
Everyone was watching as Lily flashed the cameras a smile once she got out of the limo. James slunk back in the shadows behind her. She was the sun, the center of everyone's universe while James was a star, adoring her from afar in the darkness. She radiated kindness, warmth, and love as she stopped by a barrier where her fans were shouting her name excitedly. She took a picture with as many of them as possible, her smile small.
Nobody there could guess that her smile wasn't real.
James had seen her real smile, a glowing thing that grew and grew until her cheeks were puffy and her eyes turned to slits. He had seen her smile like that many times, only for him. As she faked a smile and forced a laugh, she wished she were smiling like that now, but she was too stressed. Anxiety from firing her manager and gaining a new one in a week. Pressure from her fans to continue showing up and making music despite the betrayal of Marauders Records. Heaviness from James and his anxiety that Lily would wake up one day and not need him. She worried about her father and Lily questioned if Alice was okay. She doubted James knew how worried she was about him joining her in the world of riches and spotlights.
God, she felt like she was going to throw up.
She wished James would hold her hand.
Even now, as James walked behind her while she made her way to the main press center, her attention turned to him momentarily. Cameras flashed again, and Lily didn't catch anything but the light. She reached out to touch the hands from fans, who were begging for attention from the pop star. Lily's fellow Piper actors were singing autographs fifty feet ahead. Lily took her time moving through the cameras and crowds of people screaming her name.
James has said that, in the war, during long days that seemed endless, he had imagined the many ways he could die.
A knife aimed just right.
A building that collapsed on his body.
A bomb in the streets that took more than a leg.
He contemplated all the scenarios.
He debated each possibility.
He was still young when the bomb had taken his leg and Lily knew he was just as uncomfortable as her in the crowd.
When she glanced back to check on him, James was searching the crowd with a certain intensity she credited to his own unease. Another person grabbing her hand, made her turn her attention from James. Lily smiled at the reporter kindly, waving at the camera and taking the microphone shoved into her hand. Lily wished she would've grabbed James' hand when they got out of the limo, despite what he said. She could've used his firm hold as she started a small interview for Buzzfeed.
Suddenly, someone shoved Lily into the bodies lined up on the press wall without warning. A cameraman caught Lily as she fell into red ropes and reporters all screeching in surprise from her fall. Lily was confused as she tried to rip her dress out from under the feet of the camera man who was holding her. She had hit a metal part to the barriers, and the silver edge had cut her arm open. James' voice was what made her look up from her struggle.
She had no idea that a gun was being pointed her way until she looked up and even worse, she had no forewarning that James would be the one blocking her from the bullet.
"Someone take Lily and go, I'll hold him off!"
The man behind the gun wasn't one who had mercy in his eyes. Now, a bullet was about to take the rest of James' life and turn it into a beautiful, tragic, love affair. The trigger was pulled, and the explosion was loud. The bullet hit James and he fell to the red carpet as hundreds of guards swarmed the area just as James fell.
Lily realized the glutaral scream she heard was, in fact, her own. Blood ran down her arm and seeped through his suit. It was as if the universe wanted to tell Lily that the only reason that James had lived through a war, a bomb and his leg amputation was so that he could meet Lily and save her life, only to subsequently lose her.
It was falling in love in the cruelest way.
Next Time:
"I still own all her previous records." Riddle let his eyes travel up and down Lily, "and mark my words, she's peaked. Nothing she ever writes will ever be as popular as her old music, which again, I own the rights to."
I'm sure you've noticed my updating has been more sporadic and broken up than it normally is. Don't worry, this story is fully written I just have deeply personal shit happening in my life right now and fanfiction has taken a back seat. There's only one more chapter and an epilogue left of this story so there's no abandoning happening...it's just taking me a bit longer than usual to edit chapters. Please be patient.
All my love,
Petals
