Disclaimer: I do not own the world of Harry Potter
There was something different about Priya Celestina Tollop.
No, not different, Harry realized sadly as they stood across from each other outside of Charms class. He had called out her name and she had stopped, her eyes rising to meet his. It had been just a little over a week since she had been back and he hadn't gotten to speak to her, though he wasn't sure what he should say. The smile that she had for him in those cinnamon eyes was gone. What was worse, it wasn't even that cold glare he had gotten used to when she first joined the D.A.; there was nothing there. She just seemed so . . . empty.
Priya had come back to school way sooner than anyone had expected. He knew, from her friend Eloise that her mother's funeral had been held two weeks ago, that Stella had gone to be with her, which had made a weird twinge surface in Harry's stomach. He figured he wouldn't see her for a while, had wanted to give her space before he sent her a letter and, the next thing anyone knew, she was in their first class that Monday.
She kept her eyes straight head, walked ramrod straight but you could still see the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. In the Great Hall, she pushed around her food to make it look as if she had eaten, only taking a bite or two. Every once in a while, her hand would drift up to the blue gem she now wore around her neck on a silver chain. She was hardly ever seen without one of her Ravenclaw friends or Blaise Zabini which was probably for good reason.
The rumors were harsh.
Heartless, they called her, soulless, cruel, cold-blooded. Harry had walked past of a couple of third-year Ravenclaws who were speculating how much Priya must have hated her mother to not even mourn her; the glare he sent them was enough to make them scatter.
He was used to rumors and he knew she was too but this was brutal. He couldn't imagine how she was feeling and, even now, standing across from her, he still got nothing. Priya blinked at him. "Did you need something? We're going to be late."
"No I, well – yes, I suppose I –" Harry stopped, rubbing the back of his neck. Even her voice sounded hollow. This was such a contrast to when they stood across from each other and she had asked him to Hogsmeade, nearly a month ago. It made him just want to reach out to her and – Harry shook the thought from his head, taking a deep breath, casting his gaze down to his shoes. "I'm trying not to say something stupid."
Are you okay? I'm sorry for your loss. He had heard those phrases enough to know how much they could drive you crazy.
"Is that possible?"
Harry's head jerked back up in time to catch the slight lift of the side of her mouth before it fell back into a straight line. He smiled just slightly. "Typical of you, really. I should have expected that. . . . Is there – is there anything I can do?"
It was still probably a stupid question, Harry thought as Priya looked down. She took a breath. "How long did it take you to get past Sirius?"
The air seemed to get stuck in Harry's throat. That was certainly not a question he had expected. Truth was, he was still mourning Sirius. He often found himself wishing the other man was here. Sirius would understand and not criticize his suspicions about Malfoy. Sirius would probably have good advice on what he should do concerning the girl standing in front of him. . . . "I – uh –"
"I'm sorry," Priya said hastily and Harry could see the regret in her eyes. "That was horribly insensitive of me. Forget I asked."
With that, she hurried into the classroom, leaving Harry to clear his throat in the hallway.
Priya sunk into her seat, ignoring Stella and Eloises' worried gaze.
Had she actually asked him that?
How could she?
It hadn't been that long since Sirius died. Of course he was probably still grieving and she just up and asked him such a horrible question! Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Harry come into the classroom looking slightly pale.
She had done that.
Maybe she really was heartless.
"Alright class!" Professor Flitwick called out. "Today we're going to start by practicing a fairly easy spell but, of course, non-verbally! Please take out your wands and practice your Lumos Maxima. Just like last year, be careful not to shine your light directly in someone's eye, Mr. Finnigan."
Priya picked up her wand, aiming it in front of her but she wasn't really focused.
Maybe she didn't really care her mother died.
"Very good, Miss Granger! 5 points to Gryffindor!"
Cold-blooded, Soulless, Ice Queen, Cruel . . . that's what she was.
"Miss Locken, splendid! 5 points to Ravenclaw!"
She was awful. No wonder everyone hated her.
"Miss Tollop, let's see you give it a try!"
She was mean and awful and horrid and the rumors were true. She could hear them all whispering now.
"Miss Tollop?"
Please stop.
Leave me alone.
"Miss Tollop, are you alright?"
Shut up.
Shut up.
SHUT UP.
Flitwick dived out of the way just before a blast of magic broke a hole in his chalkboard.
All eyes turned to Priya, who was standing, her wand outstretched in front of her, eyes wide. She hadn't meant to do that, not at all. She had honestly been trying to cast Lumos Maxima but the voices got too loud and she just –
"Miss Tollop –" Flitwick started in a shaky voice.
Before he could finished, Priya yanked her bag off the ground, not caring in the slightest when half her things fell out on the floor. Keeping her eyes down, she dashed out of the room.
Harry stared up at Blaise Zabini, who had suddenly and unexpectantly appeared at the Gryffindor table during lunch. He cast a glare at any of the other Gryffindors who dared to look at him, before settling on Harry and Hermione. "Granger."
"Zabini," Hermione responded in kind, seeming surprised that the Slytherin had acknowledged her. From what Harry understood, Zabini usually would speak with Hermione when Priya was around but Hermione just assumed he was being polite for Priya's sake.
The Slytherin looked back to Harry. The other sixth year straightened his robes, glancing over Harry with a blank stare. Harry stared back, not exactly sure what was going on but not wanting to be the first to back down. Maybe Malfoy had sent one of his smarter allies to threaten Harry, make him back down. Zabini cleared his throat. "You haven't seen Priya Tollop around have you?"
Oh, right. He had tried to forget that Priya was . . . close to this guy.
"Not since –" Not since she blew a hole in the chalkboard in Charms Class. The rumor that she had 'tried to blow up Flitwick because he had looked at her funny' had spread awfully quickly considering it had only happened a little less than two hours ago. "No, I haven't, sorry."
"Yes, well. . . ." Zabini seemed at lost for what to say. "If you see her. . . . You'll tell her I was looking for her."
"Er, yeah, sure thing."
Zabini hesitated, clearing his throat again. "She . . . Priya isn't doing well, if you hadn't noticed. We were supposed to meet up for lunch and then I heard about what happened in Charms. Her friends haven't heard from her either. You two . . . she seems to be fond of you for some reason. . . . You'll keep an eye out for her?"
"Yea, of course."
Zabini nodded, leaving their table. Hermione shook her head. "He really does care about her."
The monster in Harry's stomach growled and he frowned. "Hmm."
He felt rather than saw Hermione turn towards him. "Go look for her."
"What?" he asked, looking up at her in surprise.
"Don't be daft," Hermione said, annoyed.
"I'm sure she needs some space." He knew what Hermione was hinting at. It wasn't that he didn't want to go find Priya; he wanted that more than anything. She had been there for him when Sirius died. . . . But – but what if he said the wrong thing?
"Maybe, but maybe not." Hermione leaned towards her friend. "Harry, maybe she needs you. If there's anyone who understands what she's going through, I'd think it would be you. I'll cover for you."
Harry couldn't help the small laugh that escaped. "Is Hermione Granger encouraging me to skip class?"
"Shut up and go!"
"Okay, okay!" Harry stood, stopping short when a thought came to him. "I need your help with something first."
Harry stopped outside of a classroom door on the fourth floor. He pressed his ear against the door but he couldn't hear anything. He looked back down at the Map, confused. Priya was clearly inside but –
"Mischief Managed," he muttered, stuffing the map in his bag. Raising his fist, he rapped on the door. "Priya? Priya, I know you're in there."
Nothing.
He knocked again, taking a deep breath. "Priya, I'm – I'm not going anywhere, so you might as well let me in."
He stepped back from the door, waiting.
Click
Harry reached out and grasped the doorknob, hurrying inside before Priya could change her mind. He closed the door behind him, turning around to face his friend. "Uh—"
He didn't know what he had been expecting, but Priya standing in the middle of a bunch of practice dummies, hair pulled up in that high bun, sleeves rolled up to her elbows, was not it. The rest of the desk were pushed back against the wall and the dummies looked well-worn, as if she had been at it for a while. That must be a pretty strong silencing charm on the door.
Priya waved her wand in his direction and Harry heard the door lock shut behind him. She tilted her head in his direction. "I half thought you'd find me faster."
Harry stepped away from the door, peeling off his robe and throwing it on a nearby desk. "I figured you didn't want to be found."
"Touché." Priya turned away from him towards one of the dummies.
"What are you doing in here?" Harry asked, moving closer.
"Practicing," she responded. Taking a deep breath, she held out her wand. A red jet of light shot from the end, hitting the dummy in its chest. It rocked backwards on its wheels, hitting a row of desks before rolling forward to a stop.
Harry nodded approvingly. "That's pretty good."
"Thanks." She turned back to him. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"
"Get what over with?"
"The part where you lecture me. 'You're worrying your friends, Priya. Why would you run off, Priya? We're just concerned, Priya'."
"Well, I don't suppose I need to say any of that if you already know."
Priya cocked an eyebrow at Harry. "My goodness, Harry Potter, you are on another level today."
Harry smiled a bit. "Kind of have to be when I'm friends with you."
"So, if you're not here to scold me, why are you?"
Harry reached into his bag and pulled out a bowl, handing it to her. "I brought you some soup."
Priya took the bowl, tilting it sideways and upside down. The soup stayed in place and she looked up at Harry, surprised. "Did you cast this charm?"
"Don't sound so shocked!"
"Did you?"
"Of course not. I got Hermione to do it." He knew Priya hadn't eaten in a while and thought bringing her some soup would be the best idea. Hermione, of course, had been happy to help.
Priya let out a small laugh, setting the bowl on the table. "Well, thank you. I appreciate that."
Harry glanced at the bowl. "Aren't you going to eat it?"
"Maybe later."
"It'll get cold."
"Good thing I know some spells to remedy that."
Harry watched as she turned back to the dummies. This wasn't going exactly the way he thought it would. He reached into his bag to pull out the spoon when another idea hit him. "Let's make a deal."
Priya paused, turning slightly to face him. "What kind of deal?"
"You sit with me for ten minutes, eat the soup and I'll show you how I'm able to find you so fast."
Harry noticed her eyes widen just slightly. He had been right to appeal to her curiosity; that was one Ravenclaw trait he knew fit her truly. Priya waved her wand and two desk shrunk down in to two large cushions. Priya frowned and Harry wondered if that's what she meant to do. She looked back up at him. "Ten minutes. I suppose I could use a break."
She picked up the soup and took the spoon he handed to her, moving to the cushion. Harry followed suit, pulling the Maurader's Map from his bag as he settled in. Priya looked at him expectantly and he nodded. "You have to take two bites first."
Priya frowned at him but she did as she was told. Harry waited till she was finished before he jiggled the parchment in front of her. Her frowned deepened. "If this is all a trick, Harry Potter –"
"It's not!" Harry grinned, tapping his wand on the parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Harry watched with slight glee as Priya's frown transformed in to shock and delight. "Five more bites."
Priya did so quickly, before she set the bowl down, reaching for the Map. "I – I can't – This is amazing! It's the entire school! And all the people! There's Hermione and McGonagall and Blaise. . . . Harry, did you make this?"
"Again, you sound so surprised!"
"Did you?"
"Of course not." Harry flipped the map to the front, pointing at the words. "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Otherwise known as Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and James Potter."
"What's with the nicknames?"
Harry hesitated. "Keep it to yourself?"
"Obviously."
Really quickly, Harry told Priya the brief story of how his father and his friends became animagi to support Remus Lupin. This was the first time he could recall telling someone outside of his small group of friends. That felt very important. Priya listened with rapt attention, something else he wasn't used to; Hermione and Ron usually interjected at some point or another.
"Huh," Priya muttered. "My mum talked about your dad and his friends last summer."
"Did she?"
"Yep. She couldn't stand any of them, except maybe Remus. She thought they were troublesome. But she thought they were brilliant. I think she may have had a bit of a crush on Remus as well," Priya added with a scrunched up nose, sharing a laugh with Harry. He loved that smile, he realized, how it was so uninhibited because she didn't do it often.
He wanted to kiss her.
Priya took a breath and turned away, pushing the map back into his lap. She stood and when she looked down at him, the smile was gone. "I should get back to it. Thanks for the soup."
Harry watched helplessly as Priya walked back to the dummies, picking up her wand. She stood with her wand arm outstretched and he could see her shaking. She had to be so tired. . . .
"Priya," he started, getting to his feet. "When was the last time you ate? Besides the soup."
She nonverbally cast a spell, knocking back another dummy. "Here comes the lecture," she muttered.
"When was the last time you slept?"
"I'm fine Harry."
"Tell that to the hole in Flitwick's chalkboard." Harry held up his hands when Priya turned her glare towards him. "I'm just saying, you don't seem well."
"Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like – like you pity me! I don't want that."
"What do you want?"
"I just want to be left alone!"
"Merlin, Priya," Harry said, starting to get annoyed, himself. "You must have realized that wouldn't happen when you came back, right? We care about you, of course we're going to worry."
"That's not what I wanted," Priya practically pleaded. "I wanted things to go back to normal."
"But – Priya . . . nothing's normal anymore."
Priya gave a sharp gasp, as if Harry had hit her and she turned away quickly. From behind, he saw her shake her head. "I shouldn't have come back."
"Why did you?" Harry asked, moving a bit closer.
She took a shuddering breath, placing her wand on a desk next to her and clinching her hands at her side. "Because – because she was everywhere. She was in the walls, in every room, in every picture. . . . Anytime my dad entered a room, he looked so lost, as if he was looking for her and, Merlin forbid he saw me because he'd start to cry. . . . It was suffocating. I came back because I couldn't take it and I thought being here at Hogwarts would feel normal but – but –" Priya turned slightly towards Harry and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes. "How could they think I didn't love her, Harry? How dare they think that her – her death doesn't make me want to scream or destroy something? They think I'm emotionless, but I feel everything. I'm so angry, all the time. I'm angry at her, I'm angry at my dad, I'm angry at Dumbledore and the Order and this stupid war. But hey, maybe I am heartless. My first thought after I found out how she died was that it could have literally been any other Auror. . . . I just – I just want my mum back."
By the time she finished, the tears were streaming down her face. She turned away from Harry again, putting her hands over her face, her shoulders shaking. Harry took a deep breath, moving until he stood directly behind her. "After the Battle at the Ministry, after – Sirius died . . . I practically destroyed Dumbledore's office. I didn't sleep well either, or feel like eating much. . . . You have every right to be angry. It's not fair. It's the worst possible thing you could ever imagine. There's no point in denying it. You asked me if I had moved past Sirius. The truth is, not really and I don't know if I ever will. I still mourn him and thinking about him makes me sad. I feel that way about my parents as well. So I try to think about the good things I remember, even if there's not a lot of memories. It's taking me a while to get there. . . . But this really brilliant witch told me that it's okay to not be okay. She told me that I was allowed to have awful days. Your friends – I want you to know that if you ever need to scream or destroy something, that's okay with me."
Harry walked around so that he could see Priya's face. She lowered her hands slightly, revealing her red eyes. "Can I just cry for right now?"
A small smile came to Harry's face. "Sure."
Priya moved forward and placed her head on Harry's shoulder, shocking him. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her close as she sobbed against his shoulder. This felt different than when Cho had cried with him. It didn't feel as awkward or as terrifying. It felt natural, holding her even though she was so sad, just like when they were dancing.
Merlin, this probably wasn't something he should be thinking about right now.
After a while, Priya leaned back, placing her hand over Harry's heart. Shivers went down his spine as she dusted her fingers over the wet spot on his shirt. "I'm sorry I soiled your shirt."
"I've got others," Harry muttered.
Priya stepped backed, leaning against a desk with her eyes closed. "I'm so tired."
Pausing again for a moment, Harry took another step towards her. "I bet. . . . Will you let me take you to the Hospital Wing? I'm sure Madam Pomfrey might have something that'll help you sleep," he added, holding out his hand to her.
She stood up straight but didn't make any other moves. "I – I don't know if I want people to see me like this."
"Hmm," Harry said slyly, moving towards his bag. "Well than do I have just the thing you need."
Moments later found Priya and Harry in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey had fussed and fretted over Priya while Harry had tried to stay out of the way, stuffing the invisibility cloak into his bag without the nurse seeing. Apparently, Priya was dehydrated, malnourished and obviously exhausted; Madam Pomfrey practically shoved the girl into a bed, giving her potions to drink.
"I'm going to grab you a Sleeping Draught," Madam Pomfrey told her, putting her hands on her hips. "Really, Tollop, I wish you had come to me earlier."
"I'm sorry, Madam Pomfrey," Priya muttered as the woman bustled away. Harry moved closer to Priya's bed, which might have been a mistake; she reached over and smacked him on the arm. "An invisibility cloak?!"
"Merlin, Priya!" Harry said, rubbing his arm.
"What other surprises do you have stored away?"
"I think that's my last one!"
"Hmph." Priya crossed her arms, looking in the direction the nurse had gone in. "I suppose we'll see. . . . Thank you, by the way," she added, shyly, turning her gaze back to him. She reached over and placed a hand on top of his. A warm feeling settled in the pit of his stomach and he hoped his face didn't look as red as it felt. "For coming to look for me. For putting up with my stubbornness."
"Of course," he responded with a small smile. "I should go. I can let your friends know that you're safe."
"Ugh," Priya said, leaning back into the pillow. "They're going to be so mad at me."
"Definitely. But they'll get over it," Harry added, when she frowned at him. He realized they were still holding hands, not that he minded, but he knew he really should go. He gave her hand a light squeeze as Madam Pomfrey made her way back to them, Sleeping Draught in hand. "I'll come visit you later, Priya."
"Looking forward to it, Harry," she told him with a smile, one that was almost reminiscent of the one he was getting used to. Those cinnamon eyes of hers were shining again.
It was a start.
