I do not own The Outsiders. All characters from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
My leg gave a painful pull as I struggled to catch my breath; jolting up from another restless sleep. I could hear Pony calling for me. He was alone in the room he once shared with the brother he adored, and I'd left him there by himself with his heartbreak and his seizures and the horrific memories of what had happened to him because I just hadn't been there for him. Those things would always shadow him, and I'd left him alone once again to fend for himself.
I frantically rolled my way out of the bed, untangling myself free from the covers that had webbed around my limbs while I'd been tossing and turning. I couldn't help the gasp as I reached aimlessly into the darkness and made contact with my crutches that leaned against the bedside table, and I struggled to hurry in the blackness of the night so I could make it to my brother. My jaw clenched like a vice to fight off the burning and ache from my leg as I fought my way down the hall, but when I'd finally got passed the door to his bedroom, there was nothing there but emptiness. Emptiness was a feeling I was becoming extremely familiar with, and I'd like to say that it was getting easier, but that isn't how it always works; it isn't how it ever works where I come from.
"Darry? Baby, what's going on?"
The light felt blinding as Beth switched it on, and suddenly there was a hand rubbing against the skin on my back that was as gentle as her voice. Beth was there behind me—in a way it felt like she'd always been there, even before I knew her. She was there that first night when Pony was barely alive. She was there; a part of his healing, even to the point of showing a big brother the ropes of being a big brother. And now, her presence in my life had managed to fill a gaping hole in my heart as she stood beside me to take as much of the weight of my sadness as she could.
"I thought I heard him call me. I swear to God I heard him. I heard him." I choked.
"We're going to find him, Darry. We're gonna get him home, you can't give up hope." Beth encouraged like she had since the day she told me Pony had gone missing, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"What if we don't?" I asked, knowing it's what was probable.
"You can't think like that, Darry. We're going to find him and bring him home. It's going to be okay." She tried to reassure, but I was still neck-deep in my guilt and despair.
"What have I done?" I sobbed, and all Beth could do was hold onto me.
It'd been five long weeks since I'd come home, and in that time, Beth had all but moved in. Taking what savings she had, she took time off from her job to stay with me; supporting me in more ways than one to make sure I didn't self destruct. She was also on a mission to track down my baby brother, and while there were days I couldn't even get out of my bed to face the world, the girl of my dreams was on the phone incessantly with the State of Oklahoma to find out what they did with Ponyboy.
Every phone call was a dead end. No one even knew what she was talking about.
And so, days passed, and Beth's words continued to haunt me with their truth. Saying goodbye had been difficult, but learning to live without both Soda and Ponyboy was killing me inside. The pain it left me in was consuming—in my heart and in my bones.
"Shhhh…it's going to work out. I feel it." Beth squeezed me as she continued to have faith when I couldn't.
"What happens if we find him and he wants nothing to do with me?" I sniffed, counting the number of times in my head that I promised my baby brother I'd never leave him, and counting the number of times my words would end up meaning nothing.
"Darry, you can't possibly believe that." Beth looked at me incredulously; shaking her head at my words.
I rubbed at my face frantically in vain; trying to forget all of the broken promises I'd made to Pony. How many times had I told him that everything would be okay? How many times had I promised him that nobody would ever hurt him? I'd promised him a happy ever after when I had no right.
"Look at me, Darry." Beth's hand cupped my face, but I could only bow my head.
"Look at me!" Her voice took on a commanding tone, and I let my eyes meet hers.
"Are you that blind, that you can't see how much you mean to him?" She looked at me sternly, and I couldn't think of anything to say.
"That boy adores you. Any fool with two eyes can see that, why can't you?"
I shook my head, shrugging. "It's always been him and Sodapop. Since he was born those two were always glued to each other. When those soldiers came to the house…he blames me, Beth. It's my fault. It was my job to keep Soda safe. It was my job to make sure they were both safe."
"Baby, the only person blaming you for what happened to Sodapop, is you. Soda made his choice. I'm sorry it's so hard, but it's true. For whatever reason, Soda felt he had to go fight in that god awful war. And Ponyboy was in shock, Darry—we all were. He just wanted to know you were still going to be strong enough to help him get through this."
"I dunno if I can. I don't even think I can get myself through this most days. I ain't Soda, Beth. Pony and Soda had this…" I paused trying to explain the bond they shared, but words came up short. "…thing. I don't know if I'm gonna be enough."
"Well, from what I've seen, you and Pony have a thing too, especially this past year, if not longer."
"I just…"
"I've seen you boys—I've been watching. All three of you are like peas in a pod. Darry…" Beth paused to heave a sigh. "What would Sodapop tell you right now?"
"What?"
"If Soda were here right now to have this conversation with you, what would he tell you?"
My brother's face drifted to the forefront of my mind and I could feel a smile pull at the corner of my mouth. I could see those soft eyes of his sparkle, and the way he'd wrinkle his nose when he was feeling playful or when he giggled. There was that nagging ache that pulled at my chest relentlessly, while at the same time there was another part of me that wanted to punch him in his perfect teeth for dying on me.
"He'd tell me I was being an asshole." I laughed a full laugh that turned suddenly into a sob.
"Well, I won't do that…yet," Beth grinned. "But Soda saw it too and he wanted you to see it. We're going to get Ponyboy home, and you'll finally see. You'll see, Darry."
"Hey, how did it go?" I turned my head to give Beth a kiss as my hands rummaged through the sink while I washed the last of the dishes.
After weeks of Beth being glued to my side, she finally returned to work. It was time even though I still felt like a wreck most days, but it was time for the both of us. She had a life and a job and people besides me that needed her. And I needed the time and space it took to pull my head out of my ass and try to get my own life in order.
It was well after supper; a routine I was getting used to with the long work hours Beth kept. It felt a little odd at first. I was used to being the one to pay the bills and put food on the table and take care of everyone, but I was a different man now and not physically or emotionally ready to re-join the world, and so Beth stepped up again. Whenever I raised a fuss, I got a lecture about being a chauvinist, and how she wouldn't put up with it from me because a woman could support a family as good as any man. I was traditional and wasn't sure I was in agreement one hundred percent, but I certainly didn't have it in my heart to insult her more than I already had. Instead, I swallowed my pride and helped her by making sure there was supper on the table when she came home.
"He's gone, Darry."
I looked at Beth worriedly as I noticed her face pale and she looked to be in shock.
"What? Who's gone? Hey, sit down doll. What's goin' on?" I dried my hands off onto my sweat pants, and held onto Beth's arm with my hand while I grabbed a crutch and shoved it under my other arm so I could walk her over to the kitchen table and have her take a chair.
"Greg, Darry. They let him go."
"Whadaya mean?" My heart sank, and a my stomach felt like ice while I hoped I'd misheard what she'd said.
"The hospital. They fired him."
"Fired him? What the hell are you talking about?"
If what Beth was saying was true, then the hospital had fired one of the most amazing people I'd ever met, and that was before we'd practically adopted him into our family. My brothers and what was left of our gang—Two-Bit, Steve, even Tim Shepard with his crooked opinions, respected Greg. There was no denying his goodness and his greatness.
I looked at Beth in confusion. "That doesn't even make sense! He's the best doctor they have! Why? Why on earth would they do that?"
"I don't know. Everyone was tight-lipped about the whole thing; like something went down but no one would say what." Beth was almost in tears, and I felt like my own eyes were about to start watering. "I don't understand, Darry. Something bad must've happened for them to fire him, but it doesn't make sense. Greg is the best intensivist we have."
Beth was visibly distraught, and I felt myself getting swept up in it as well. Something seemed very wrong about the situation, and I felt scared for my friend. I could remember pieces of him talking to me when they'd brought me in from that car wreck, and even though he wasn't my doctor I felt safer knowing he was there.
"When did they let him go?"
"About three weeks ago now. I just…I don't get it. I can't see him doing anything at all that would get himself in trouble let alone fired." Beth's hands slapped her lap in resignation.
Greg wouldn't do anything to get into trouble, except steal diapers, feeding tubes and special formula and give them to a family that couldn't afford to pay for them otherwise. He'd never do anything to get into trouble except arrange an early discharge for a patient into the care of his older brother when that patient was still in the State's custody. A thought and a feeling washed over me.
"He didn't come see me after I was first brought in, did he?"
"No, everything was so chaotic. You were in and out of surgery. It was…"
"I mean…Beth," a strange, uneasy, yet somewhat grounding thought took over. "Eric told me Greg was looking after Pony for me. Do you think maybe…?"
"What?" Beth looked over at me
"Eric told me not to worry about Pony. He said…" I could hear Eric's voice as if I were still in that hospital room. "…he said that Greg would never let anything bad happen to him; almost like he was watchin' over him since I was laid up."
"What are you saying, Darry?"
"Do you think Greg took him?"
Beth looked at me like I were off my rocker, but then her eyes shifted and I could tell she realized the idea wasn't as far fetched as she might of first thought.
"Wait," she shook her head and grabbed for my hand to pull me down into the chair that was next to hers. "If Greg took him home, why wouldn't he bring him back when you were well again?" the colour drained from her face again.
"What is it?" I squeezed her hand.
"You were so sick. I don't…. I don't know, Darry. I was so worried about you that I didn't pay attention to anything else. Maybe he doesn't know that you're alright."
"Do you know where he lives?"
"Not exactly, but I know someone who does. Oh my god, Darry."
I smiled; hopeful for the first time in months. It just made sense. Greg had gone beyond what was necessary time and time again for my family. It just made sense that he would shelter Pony and take care of him if he thought that I wasn't able to. Greg became family the moment we met and he dedicated himself to saving my brother's life, and after everything, he was still doing it.
