Chapter 27.
Dean ate his second chocolate chip cookie and then smiled at Sarah, who was watching him with a kindly smile. "You made these yourself, didn't you?" he said.
"Yes. I always have some ready. No matter how lonely your life is, my dear, always keep a full cookie jar."
"Yes, that sounds like you." he said.
"Can we talk about Castiel now?" she said, "Preferably without the recitation of how much you hate the mind link and how he wouldn't be your friend if he knew you better, even though he has literally seen inside your head. Can we be honest about Castiel?"
"I don't know what you mean by that." he said.
"Fine, we'll do it that way. We'll talk about Castiel, you'll be partially honest and I get to guess when you're lying or being evasive. It's good. We'll make it like a game."
"Why would I lie?" he said.
"Let's identify the lies for now and figure out the motivation later. That can be round two. Let's begin with why you're not worrying about Castiel."
"I know. It makes no sense." he said, "I should be worrying more now, because of the Jules thing."
"Maybe you're worrying less because of the Jules thing. At the party. they were clearly happy together. I confess, I wouldn't be surprised to see some jealousy."
"Why would I be jealous?" said Dean, "I want him to be happy."
"Maybe jealousy is the wrong word. Some fear that he won't need you." she said.
"I would love for him not to need me, because one day, I won't be here." he said. He saw her look and added, "Okay, it'll hurt like Hell if he doesn't need me a little bit - if he didn't need me at all, but I can live with it. I want him to be happy. I want him to be free. Seeing him like that with Jules, it was great. That's the truth."
"Yes, I know it is." she said.
"But I know things are going crazy for him. I should be more worried now, not less."
She shook her head. "You really never stop auditing your own thoughts, questioning your own motives, doubting your own value as a friend, a son, a brother. Have you ever spent a whole day without judging yourself?"
"Has anyone?" he said, "Anyone with a soul, anyway?"
"I think you feel instinctively that things are going well between Castiel and Jules. For that reason, you feel a little more hopeful about his future. I do too. But you're worried about worrying less. You worry that it makes you a bad friend. I think it just means you know him very well. You can see, as I can, that he has every chance of happiness, of love. Allow yourself to be happy for him."
"I'll admit, part of it is guilt about leaving him at a time like this. Cas is old and wise and, for an angel, very good with people, which tells you all you need to know about how bad the other angels are. He's also way out of his depth on this and he'll struggle. He has all the deep understanding of interpersonal relationships of a fifteen year old boy and a lot more self-doubt."
"Which brings us to the next thing we should discuss. Why do you feel like it's your job to take care of the angel?"
"Honestly? I broke him. I'm the reason he fell. I'm the reason he's stuck with all these confusing, emotional humans. And before you say it, I know you see that as a good thing and so do I, because Cas was greatly improved by learning from humans." He drank more of the strong coffee. It was beginning to kick in and he was thinking a little more clearly. "It's not just free will," he said, "But compassion and forgiveness and Led Zeppelin and everything. Doesn't alter the fact that I dragged him down to my level and was the cause of everything that has left him so vulnerable and alone." Something occurred to him that he really didn't like. "I cut him off from his family."
"A very dysfunctional family." she said.
"I'm not throwing any stones in that particular glass house." he said.
"Castiel thinks you raised him to your level." she said.
"Yeah, I told you. He has a totally unrealistic view of me, but it does at least mean he listens, sometimes. I should be there, to tell him to go for it with Jules."
"He seems to be doing that."
"Yeah, for now. First time it gets difficult, you know what he'll do? He'll give up and decide he never had a right to love. He'll tell himself he's not allowed happiness, that after all he's done, he doesn't deserve it and can't be trusted with the happiness of someone else. He'll go back into hiding in that damn coat and Jules will think he never cared. And he'll let her think it."
"Is that how you missed out on love?" she said.
He looked at her. "I was talking about Cas, not me."
"I just wondered."
"Now you're being dishonest. You have all kinds of theories about me."
"Yes, I do.."
"And one of them is that I am trying to fix in Castiel the things I think it's too late to fix in me."
"Is that also your theory?" she said.
"Would it be such a bad thing, to use my mistakes to help him? I owe him and it's not like my past mistakes do a lot to help me. Maybe something good can come from them. But no, it's not my theory. I'm not that introspective."
She smiled. "Is that a joke, my dear?"
"I'm really very shallow. I just know how to fake depth."
"Just for variety, make the next thing to pass your lips the absolute truth." she said.
"Okay, here's the truth. I need to see him happy. I need to know I didn't completely screw up his eternity by dragging him into my brief and worthless life. Because, if Cas ends up alone and unhappy forever, that's on me and it may be the worst thing I have ever done, in a life not short on terrible things."
