"Children," Snape intones, standing at the front of his class, "it is now November. I'm certain you all know what this means."
Nobody ventures a guess.
"That was rhetorical," Snape confirms. "10 points to Hufflepuff for not answering the question."
"What about us?" Draco and Ron ask. "We didn't answer either!"
Snape scowls. "Very well. 10 points to Gryffindor for not answering."
Ron and Draco hi-five.
"And 5 points from each of you for interrupting a teacher," Snape continues. He smirks. "Now, with November comes the start of winter, and with winter comes cold season. Contrary to popular belief, colds aren't more common because it's winter. They're more common because everyone spends more time indoors in order to escape the cold, and consequently pass those germs to the people around them much faster." He whirls around. "Some of you may not know what I'm talking about, so suffice it to say that because everyone spends time around everyone else, everybody gets sick in winter. If you need more details, you may see me after class, but since I don't want to get too far off track, I would rather get back to the topic at hand. Colds are vastly unenjoyable for everyone, and in most cases, it's best to wait out these colds. There is currently no known cure for the common cold, largely because the effects aren't produced by a single specific virus, but by the body's attempts to fight off low-level viral threats of varying origins. Ms. Granger, put your arm down before it gets stuck there permanently. If you have any questions at this point, they're purely tangential and can be answered after class, and if you want to go on a rant about sicknesses, you may do that after class, assuming anybody is interested in listening to you. Getting back on topic, while there is no cure for the common cold, there are things that can be done to mitigate its effects, and so today, we will be learning how to make cough syrup–I mean, a cough syrup potion. Ms. Granger, why did your hand go up again?"
"I have a question. Sir," she adds.
"Very well. State your query."
"Are we making cough syrup, or a cough syrup potion?"
"A cough syrup potion, Ms. Granger."
"What's the difference?"
"Magic is the difference, Ms. Granger. Because no normal school would have a classful of dunderheads attempt to make cough syrup, but we will. Since we're wizards."
Snape pauses to scan the class. Most of them look ready to get to work, so with a wave of his wand, the instructions begin writing themselves out on the board.
"If there are no further questions, you may begin."
The students begin working on their cough syrup, and Snape begins patrolling the class, ready to head off any accidents, help anyone who needs it, and terrify those who think they can get away with not paying attention in his class. After about ten minutes, though, he starts to relax, although it doesn't show on his face. He can't allow his students to sense any weakness, or they'll stop paying attention, think they can goof off...a lot can go wrong in a potions classroom.
He pauses to stare at the mixture Abbott and MacManus are working on. It looks a little iffy; nothing dangerous at this moment, but if the codine is added too early...but no, they're waiting to add it. It should be workable, if not perfect, and he's about to move on when his sense that something is about to go wrong kicks in, and as if on instinct he whirls around and spots the Longbottom boy poised to pour a full bottle of grape Nehi into his cauldron.
Snape rushes towards him, but it's already too late. The soda is splashing into the cauldron, and he has very little time before everything goes horribly, horribly wrong. He casts a shield spell, hoping against hope that it will encircle the cauldron in time.
Luckily, it does.
The cauldron explodes, but the shield manages to contain most of the damage, with only a few ounces of the potion slipping out. Most of it splashes onto Neville Longbottom, a result Snape notes grimly. His partner is on the other side of the room, mouth open in a fearful gape as he looks over at the scene. Snape pays him no heed as he stomps over to the wreckage, though, since the only thing on his mind is getting an explanation from the Longbottom boy.
"WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?"
The Longbottom boy blinks a couple of times.
"ANSWER ME!" Snape demands. "WHY DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO EXPLICITLY DISREGARD MY INSTRUCTIONS, LONGBOTTOM?"
The Longbottom boy shrugs, not looking at him. "You need to calm down, bitch."
Everything around Snape goes red.
"Excuse me?" Snape asks quietly. "What did you just say?"
It's only now that Neville looks over to him. Instead of any expression of fear or remorse, the only thing on his face is boredom. "I said calm down, bitch."
"Yes," Snape says, quietly seething. "I should calm down. Never mind that you were going against the instructions on the board without consulting me at all, never mind that you're in quite possibly the most dangerous class in Hogwarts, never mind that your cauldron exploded and would have sent shrapnel through the class, no, I should keep calm even though you endangered the lives of everyone here. Longbottom, I see your point. After all, we wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable now, would we?"
Snape glares at Neville. Neville's face remains impassive.
"Now," Snape says, his voice throbbing with anger. "How about you tell me what you were trying to do."
Neville shrugs. "Making sizzurp."
If Snape's face was capable of expressing emotion, it would be a mixture of anger, rage, astonishment, confusion, shock, rage, bewilderment, disgust, rage, rage, and the desire to murder Neville Longbottom's entire extended family before spending several days torturing the boy to death himself. However, the sheer unexpectedness of Neville's reply has frozen his face in an impassive mask incapable of divulging anything.
"Sizzurp," Snape says flatly. "You were making purple drank."
Neville nods.
Snape rubs his nose and then proceeds to take several deep breaths. The class is completely silent, waiting to see what their teacher will do.
"10 points from Gryffindor for ignoring a teacher's instructions," Snape says calmly. "20 points from Gryffindor for adding a foreign ingredient to a potion. 30 points from Gryffindor for destruction of property, both school and personal. 40 points from Gryffindor for attempting to make drugs in class. 100 points from Gryffindor for needlessly and recklessly endangering the lives of your classmates."
The class stays silent, with none of the Gryffindors even attempting to challenge Snape's penalties.
"Finally, I am giving you six months of detention," Snape continues. "And while I would usually assign you to detention with myself, I believe that your particular skillset is best suited for detention with Professor Sprout."
At this statement, murmurs ripple through the classroom, most of them from Hufflepuffs afraid of what their Head of House will do in detention.
Neville sticks his chin out. "Oh, so I'm only suited for working the fields, huh? That's what you think about me? That I'm–"
"SILENCE!" Snape roars, and for the first time Neville looks afraid. "If I was allowed to expel you from my class, I would do so immediately. As it is, I can only suspend you from this class for the rest of this week, and believe me, that's what I'm going to do. Now LEAVE."
Neville shrugs, stands up, throws his shoulders back, and attempts to strut out of the classroom. Since it's Neville Longbottom doing this, though, he just looks stupid.
As soon as he's gone, Snape lets out a loud sigh and begins stomping through class, examining the cauldrons of the rest of his students. "Forgot to add the sugar...spent too long on the heat...turned off the heat...good god, stop cooking that...didn't even add the latter half of the ingredients..."
Snape scowls and storms to the front of the room. Once there, he turns around and stares at his class.
"Thanks to Longbottom's complete idiocy, it looks to me as if none of you were able to effectively complete your potions," he says sourly. "Therefore, in light of today's events, I have decided that none of you will be graded on this attempt. In our next class, we may be attempting this potion again, or we may move on to another potion. I haven't decided yet. However, this potion will not count against your grade due to Longbottom's interference, except for in the cases of Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Nott, who both get Fs."
"Hey!" Theo complains. "I didn't know he was going to mess it up! I was getting some extra ingredients from the cabinet!"
"Is this so?" Snape asks. "Very well. D-minus."
Theo frowns but doesn't argue further. Snape nods.
"Class is dismissed."
