Chapter 20: Time to say goodbye
Sabrina knew it was the moment, she couldn't continue delaying it anymore.
She had to talk to Harvey.
She needed to tell him what was happening even when the truth broke his heart. She spent some minutes just looking at her phone, unable to take the next step and call.
She had been postposing that call for weeks.
With a deep breath to give herself courage she called him.
"Hi, 'Brina" Harvey said from the other side of the line just a few seconds later "I was thinking on calling you… How are you?"
"Fine, everything is fine, Harvey…" she sighed, there was no way to make this easier. She never wanted to hurt him but she also knew she couldn't continue like that, hiding the truth, holding onto something it wasn't there anymore "How are you?"
Harvey remained silent for some seconds pondering his answer.
It had been difficult days, his relationship with his father had never been good and now it only seemed to have worsened. His father had never been easy to deal with, but now that he was unable to do what he wanted he had become more bitter and hurtful than before.
And Harvey was his favorite target.
"Things had been a bit… hard" he admitted "but we are as good as we can"
"Harvey, I'm so sorry… if there is anything I can do…"
"No, no, it's fine, Sabrina. We are going to be ok" he said but she didn't believe him. She sighed again, this was becoming harder and harder to do but she had to "Something's wrong, Sabrina?" Harvey asked because she had gone suddenly silent.
"Eh… no, but Harvey…" she hesitated for some seconds, still unable to find the right words to say what she need to say "There is something I need to tell you. Something I should've tell you before"
"What's going on, Sabrina?"
She could notice a bit of suspiciousness in Harvey's voice. She was nervous, what she had to say wasn't easy, but Harvey deserved the truth. Even when it was a painful one.
"I lied to you, Harvey. And I'm sorry" Sabrina's voice broke in the last word.
"Lied to me? What do you mean?"
Sabrina took a deep breath trying to keep her tears at bay but she couldn't. She felt sad, she was saying goodbye to a beautiful part of her life.
She was about to start another.
"On December, you asked me… you asked me if there was…" she stopped a sob escaped from her lips.
"Sabrina… What happens? Why are you crying?" there was worry in his voice.
She took a deep breath to control her emotions.
"When you asked me if there was someone else, I told you no. That wasn't true, Harvey" she waited for him to say something but he remained silent "I met someone and I…"
She waited again but Harvey didn't say anything again. She felt her heart ache for what she was doing but she knew it was the right thing to do. She needed to stop lying to herself and not just for her but for Harvey and Nick too.
Thinking about Nick gave her the strength she was lacking of.
"I don't want to keep doing things in the wrong way. Nor you or I deserve this, but Harvey I…"
"I'm not enough for you"
"What? No, Harvey. It's not that" Sabrina hurried to say "People change, sometimes feelings change too"
"I thought you said we'll be always together. You promise me"
"Harvey…" she said his name with pleading voice "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry but…"
"I should have suspected this would happen" he interrupted her "I was never good enough for you."
"Harvey, no" she insisted "Please stop"
"Goodbye, Sabrina" he said in a serious voice.
"Harvey, no, Harvey wait..." she said to the phone but only silence answered.
He had hung up before she could say anymore.
A sob escaped from her lips, she felt her chest hurt and couldn't help but let her body slide down the side of her bed until she reached the floor. She sat and hugged her legs with her arms before resting her head over her crossed arms.
This time she didn't even try to hold back the tears. She let them run freely down her cheeks.
She felt sad for Harvey. Because he now thought he wasn't good enough for her and that wasn't true.
It hurt, it hurt more than she had imagined.
Sabrina knew the right thing to do was tell him the truth. She couldn't continue cheating on him. Cheating on her own heart. Sabrina didn't regret what she had done because neither Harvey nor she deserved to continue in a relationship that wasn't real anymore.
Because she was falling in love with someone else.
Nick. He had been so patient, he didn't pressure her to break up with Harvey, he had given her the time she needed. He had told her he was fine with waiting until she was ready, because he worried about her. He didn't want to see her hurt.
But now she was.
Sabrina heard her phone ring next to her on the floor, she picked it up thinking it may be Harvey and she would be able to end up things between them in a better way, but it wasn't him.
It was Nick. She took a deep breath before answering.
"Hi babe" she heard Nick say.
She took a shaky breath trying to speak but was unable to do it.
"Sabrina?" Nick's voice sounded worry "It's something wrong?"
Sabrina took another deep breath.
"Could you... Could you please come?" she asked "I don't want to be alone"
"Sure, I'll be there soon"
"Thank you" she said in a weak voice before hanging up.
She tried to calm down, to control her breathing and stop crying. Sabrina didn't want that Nick saw her so devastated because she had broken up with Harvey but she couldn't help it. She couldn't continue hiding what she really felt inside of her heart.
She wanted to feel freely.
Sabrina was a bit calmer but still crying silently when heard the knock on the door.
"Sabrina?" she heard Nick said from the other side of the door.
"Come in" she said with weak voice.
When Nick opened the door he saw her sitting on the floor with her head bend down, her hands were still hugging her legs, she looked up and he saw her sad puffy eyes. She still had tears running down her cheeks.
He saw the pain in her gaze and rushed to her side without closing the door. He knelt beside her and looked for her eyes with his.
"Sabrina? What's wrong?" he asked in a soft voice.
She didn't say anything and just rushed into his arms. Nick hugged her tightly without a second of hesitation.
"Nick…" she said, he stroked her back with gentle movements and she relaxed a bit.
"What happened?" he asked again his voice barely a whisper.
"I broke up with Harvey" Sabrina told him "I told him about us"
He didn't say anything and only kept caressing her back, trying to comfort her.
"Sorry" she said lifting her face from his shoulder to look at him "It's not fair to you... this, having to listen me crying over my ex"
Nick shook his head.
"It's ok" he stroked her hair "I'm here for you"
"Thank you" she whispered against his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him tighter.
"I'm here for you" he repeated "I'll always be here for you"
Sabrina knew that he meant it. She closed her eyes, comforted to be in his arms, comforted to be with him.
She didn't want to separate from him. Not that night.
"Stay" she suddenly asked, she pulled away from him to look at his face. Her eyes were bright with fresh tears.
"You know I can't"
"Can I go to your place then? I don't want to be alone tonight" she admitted with her cheeks flushing slightly.
"Sure" he replied "if that's what you want"
She nodded.
"Thank you" she said again "for being here for me, I know it shouldn't be very comfortable for you..."
"It's ok" he took her face in his hands and gave her a brief kiss on the forehead that left her breathless with the tenderness of the gesture "I'm here for whatever you need"
Nick got up and extended his hand to help her do the same, he didn't release her hand immediately once she was on her feet and continued holding her for some seconds. When he finally let her go she went around the room gathering her things and put them inside a bag.
The walk to Nick's apartment was a silent one, they were both deep in their own thoughts. Even when her hand was holding Nick's her mind was miles away thinking about what had happened that night.
Telling the truth to Harvey. Asking Nick to stay with her because she couldn't stand being alone that night.
When they arrived to the apartment Nick asked her if she wanted a tea or watching some TV but she declined both offers. She just wanted to go to bed and sleep.
Being held by his arms.
She went to the bathroom to change in her pajamas, she was wearing her winter's pajamas but still she felt a bit self-conscious. A blush spread on her cheeks when she saw Nick.
"Get into bed, I'm going to sleep in the couch so you'll be more comfortable"
She shook her head.
"Could you hold me tonight, please?" she asked in a whisper.
Nick looked at her in the eye to be sure she meant it. He nodded.
Sabrina felt a bit embarrassed for her own weakness when she went into bed, she wasn't like that but that night she had done something never imagine could be able to do. Harvey was also her friend and she had broken his heart. She felt miserable.
When Nick came out of the bathroom she leaned on her side to make space to him, he got into bed and she rushed into his arms. She rested her head on his chest and a soft sigh left her lips when one of his hands started to stroke her hair.
"Sleep well" he told her.
She nodded against his chest. It didn't take long for her to fall sleep, she was exhausted with all the emotions of that day. Nick stayed some time awake looking her sleeping peacefully.
He continued stroking her hair, he felt her warm breath against his chest, a sigh left his lips.
Nick didn't like to see her hurt. He didn't want anything bad happen to her.
He wanted to hold her like he was doing tonight, protect her from the ugliness of the world even when he knew she was perfectly capable of defend herself of any threat.
He wanted to be with her forever if she let him. Nick sighed, if he wanted that he would have to be honest with her.
"I love you, Spellman" he whispered to her in the dark "someday I'll be able to tell you so"
Nick kissed her goodbye at the entrance of the residence. It was a sweet and slow kiss and the tenderness of it made her heart begin to pound inside her chest.
He pulled away from her but kept his hands on her arms.
"See you tomorrow?" he asked and she nodded "And if you need anything, just call me"
"You have other things to do too. I don't want to be a bother"
He looked her straight in the eye and there was no way she could escape his gaze.
"You are not a bother, Spellman" he said vehemently.
"Why you are so good with me?" she couldn't help but ask in a whisper.
Nick didn't answer, at least not with words. He kissed her. It was as if he wanted to say something to her with that kiss that he still felt unable to say out loud.
The kiss left her breathless.
She didn't want to say goodbye. But she knew she had to.
"I'll call you tonight" he promised her and she nodded.
Sabrina stayed a few moments watching as his figure disappeared into the distance. She realized that she hadn't stopped to think about how she really felt about Nick. Her feelings for him were deeper than before. Now, watching him go she felt an emptiness in her heart she had never feel before. And that what the moment she knew.
She was in love with him.
It was hard to resist him, with his charming smile and captivating eyes Nick was every girl dream but it wasn't that what had made her fall in love with him. It was the real Nick she was beginning to love. The Nick who cared for her.
And the way he looked at her. She sighed. It made her feel… Beloved.
It wasn't that she had never felt that way with Harvey, because she had. But with Nick was different. Harvey had been her safe harbor. But he had never made her knees feel weak or her heart beat so hard that it looked like it was going to get out of her chest at any moment. Every time Nick kissed her... she felt like she was about to lose control. But he could also be tender, he had showed her the night before when he came to her aid. The way his arms had hugged her, as if she was something valuable and fragile, had ended up showing her that she had done the right thing in deciding to be with him.
She just wished she hadn't hurt anyone along the way. That the price of her happiness was to make someone else suffer it was something she could never fully forgive herself for.
She had loved Harvey so much. She thought she would always love him, just in a different way.
But even though it hurt her that Harvey suffered because of her, she didn't regret what she had done. The truth had freed her from that lump in her throat she felt every time she spoke to him.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Prudence said when she opened the door to the room they shared "Where did you spend the night, Sabrina?"
"Hi Prudence" she replied ignoring her roommate's question.
"At least you could have left a note, I was worried" Prudence continued and Sabrina didn't know if she meant it or if she said it sarcastically.
"Did you worry?" she couldn't help but ask with a raised eyebrow still incredulous of her words.
Prudence nodded.
"At first I thought you were where at Ambrose's, but when he told me you weren't there..."
"You asked Ambrose?" Sabrina asked indignantly, her cheeks red with embarrassment.
"I told you, I worried." Prudence insisted with a shrug.
Sabrina was about to say something to her when her phone started ringing in her pocket, she took it out and was surprised when she saw it was Roz.
"Roz, hi" she said cheerfully. She had not spoken to her best friend in days. Their respective classes had kept them both busy.
"Sabrina" her tone was serious. Sabrina couldn't help but frown in surprise at her friend's attitude. Prudence looked at her intrigued.
"Is something wrong, Roz?"
"You tell me"
"Roz...?" Sabrina knew that she couldn't continue talking there, not with Prudence listening to her every word "Give me a minute" she asked before walking out of the room with hurried steps "Tell me what is happening Roz"
"I talked to Harvey last night" Sabrina felt as if a bucket of cold water had fallen on her head "How could you, Sabrina?"
"Wow, wait a minute, I..."
"Don't tell me not to jump to hasty conclusions. He told me everything."
"Roz, I'm your friend" Sabrina said pleadingly "At least let me tell you what happened"
"Harvey is my friend too. He is having a hard time, Sabrina, you shouldn't have done something like this to him, not now"
"I thought you would understand me"
"How could I? You never told me anything about this. You didn't trust me enough to do so"
"I didn't tell you because I knew you would react like this. You are judging me"
Roz was silent for a few moments.
"You should have at least spoken face to face with him, Sabrina. Harvey deserved better"
"I wanted to, but this was killing me, Roz. I needed to tell him"
She heard her friend sigh.
"I thought you trusted me" she said in a hurt voice "I never thought you would hide something like this from me"
"I didn't want to, but Roz... this was difficult for me too"
"I have to go" Roz said suddenly but Sabrina knew it was simply because she didn't want to continue talking to her.
"Bye, Roz" she said to the phone but Roz had already hung up.
Sabrina swallowed trying to make the lump formed in her throat disappear. She wasn't going to cry. Not again, she took a deep breath, she had never thought that breaking up with Harvey would have so many consequences.
She was about to turn off her phone fearing that Theo would call her just to criticize her decisions too.
It hurt her think that her friends thought she was the villain in the story, but maybe she was.
She had broken Harvey's heart so she could be with Nick without feeling guilty of every kiss, of every touch. Sabrina took a deep breath.
She had to live with the consequences of what she had done.
Nevertheless, she didn't regret her decision. She never would.
