Thank you so much to my bata readers Violingirl05 and Elizcoll for your time and efforts!

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Chapter 21

Elizabeth wept. At first she had wanted to scream, stomp her feet and pull out her own hair, but it hadn't taken long for the anger to recede and everything else to overwhelm her. When Mr. Darcy had left she had also - though through the backdoor instead of the front - rushed from Longbourn. She had known that she could not face her family or other guests in her state of heightened emotions. At first she had marched through the forests of Longbourn, her mind filled with obsendities and clever retorts. but when her energy started to lag, so had her anger.

The first tear trickled down her cheek before she even realized she was crying. Even as they started to pour, Elizabeth could not have put a name to her emotion. Soon she was sobbing and didn't even bother to examine the reasons. She sank unto a nearby stump and covered her face with her handkerchief. Everything, it was everything.

The pain of conflict, the regret of harsh words, the abandonment, the scar on their love, the confusion and fear, but most of all, the greatest, and most overwhelming of all, was the soul deep shame.

As the tears flowed Elizabeth remembered every word Mr. Darcy had said of Mr. Wickham's history, trying to find any reason she could use to defend herself with.

But she could not. The account of his history with the Darcy family was exactly what Lt. Wickham had said himself. Indeed, the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy was to an even greater extent then he had recounted. Of the will, the stories differed greatly, though not in the technicalities of the will, but the reactions of the characters. Lt. Wickham and Mr. Darcy had agreed that the living had been mentioned, though the terms had been vague enough to not be legally binding. But where Lt. Wickham had portrayed it as his greatest wish, Mr. Darcy had said that his father had been the one to wish it and that Wickham had never wanted it or been suited to it. Wickham's own behaviour earlier this morning had confirmed that. The anger and scorn he had shown when speaking of the career still burned fresh in Elizabeth's tortured mind.

That encounter had been enough to overwhelm Elizabeth and with the remembrance of it Elizabeth's sobs began afresh. The complete change of countenance and character had frightened her. Though she had handled it calmly at the time, now she shook to remember his anger and duality of personality. How could she have been so completely duped?

If nothing else, the overall character of Lt. Wickham outside of any extreme profligacy should have revealed to Elizabeth how ill suited he would be to the church. Now that she thought on it, she could not remember a single instance she had seen him in which he wasn't surrounded by women, drinking or at a gaming table, often all three! And never once had she seen him in any kind of service or good deed. His fondness for talking about himself, spreading gossip and outright lies would all be terrible traits for a man who was supposed to take confession. Though everything she had seen was permissible within normal society, it created the groundwork that seemed to make Mr. Darcy's claim of extravagance and depravity into unassailable fact.

If Elizabeth could discount all other aspects of Mr. Darcy's story, - which she could not, no matter how she wished to - she knew that the story about his sister could not be anything but a painful truth. Mr. Darcy could not have made up such a story about his own sister. Poor Georgiana! And at the remembrance of his sins against the young woman Elizabeth's anger once again returned and she scrubbed the tears off her face, with her now soggy handkerchief, and marched on. He had slandered Georgiana! After targeting a fifteen year old girl for her money and seducing her away from her family, he then abandoned her when his chance at money was destroyed, and then went around slandering her to strangers! He had called her proud! That shy, hurt girl he had used, he called proud!

Elizabeth wanted to physically hurt herself for her own stupidity. How had she not questioned everything after meeting Goergiana and seeing how wrong the description was? Now that she considered it, everything he had originally told her had been later proved to be a lie. Not just at Mr. Darcy's word but by Lt. Wickham's own actions. He had told her that he would not spread the story out of respect for the old Mr. Darcy, and yet though Elizabeth herself had kept the story quiet, soon the entire town had known about it. Lt. Wickham had claimed that as he was in the right, that he would never shy away from interacting with Mr. Darcy, and yet he had not come to the Netherfield ball or ever publicly interacted with Mr. Darcy again. Even without the facts that Mr. Darcy had given her, should these inconsistencies have not caused her to suspect him?

But she had not. She had never seriously examined Lt. Wickham's behaviour or her own in regards to him. Now all she could see was the vanity that he had stroked by speaking with her and the incautious, ridiculous preference she had shown him because of it. It had been nothing but pride, as Mr. Darcy had accused her, that had fueled her. Pride that Mr. Darcy had hurt and that Lt. Wickham had buffed up. Pride in her own 'wisdom' and 'perception' that refused to doubt itself. Heartily ashamed of herself, Elizabeth reflected on how despicably her pride had caused her to act.

Till this moment I never knew myself,she thought and new tears fell. Elizabeth cried, sometimes walking, sometimes collapsing to crying on the forest floor. Now and again she would calm but soon after another remembrance would cause the tears to fall anew.

She knew not how long she was out, but when she could cry no longer and had only exhaustion left she returned to Longbourn.

As she entered, she left her bonnet on and kept her face turned away so that no one would see her red eyes. She had no wish to explain the situation to anyone. Her mother heard her enter and called from the sitting room.

"Lizzy, is that you? Where have you been? I know that walking with your beau is delightful but you've been gone for hours! Charlotte came by, she waited and waited but I told her you would be a long time walking with your handsome Mr. Darcy…"

Her mother continued on but Elizabeth stopped listening and went to her room. Immediately, she fell onto her bed. Jane came in a few minutes later to check on her. As was usually the case these days, Jane beauty was made ethereal with happiness and she truly seemed an angel when she entered. She was so beautiful and happy that Elizabeth could not bear to taint her happiness with any pain. So Elizabeth kept quiet and only told Jane that she was tired from her long walk and let Jane assume, as her mother had, that she had been walking with Mr. Darcy.

Soon after exhaustion overwhelmed her and she slept the rest of the afternoon. When Elizabeth awoke it was with no renewed energy but some semblance of calm. She felt like a rag that had been soaked and then squeezed and twisted until not a drop of liquid remained. Someone, probably Jane, had left a plate with some tea snacks next to the bed and Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed and ate with more eagerness then she would have guessed her tired mind could produce.

As she ate she tried to come to some sort of conclusion about the morning's affairs. Lt. Wickham was a reprehensible cad. Elizabeth herself had been foolish, proud and immature. And Mr. Darcy… Mr. Darcy had been… Not wrong in the things he had accused her of, and had confided in her private information that was very helpful to her.

But while she had mostly responded out of defensiveness, the things she had said were not wrong either and she could not fully regret saying them. Mr. Darcy's determination to keep himself out of the mouths of gossips had allowed Lt. Wickham to continue lying and hurting others. Even now, with Lt. Wickham leaving the shire, how many merchants were wondering when he would fulfill his debt to them?

No, Elizabeth knew that she owed Mr. Darcy a sincere apology and she wasn't even sure how to fix the hurt they had caused each other, but she still could not quite blame herself entirely. Was that her pride again? Elizabeth wasn't sure. Perhaps it was, or rather… she knew it was an impulse of pride to shift the blame but she also genuinely thought it had been wrong of Mr. Darcy to leave Wickham to his own affairs. Elizabeth was torn between wanting to beg Mr. Darcy's forgiveness and make no excuses at all or to apologize calmly for her less than perfect manners but remain strong on the point that they both held some blame.

In any case, she needed to speak with him; they needed to resolve this now that she was calm again. Elizabeth tidied herself up and went down stairs. The family was all together, her father reading next to the hearth while her mother and sisters all busied themselves with the sewing necessary for Jane's wedding.

"Lizzy, you're awake! That must have been some walk for you to have slept the afternoon away!" Mrs. Bennet exclaimed to the giggles of Kitty and Lydia who were no doubt imagining scandalous things. Jane hushed them, while Mary lifted her superior nose and huffed. Elizabeth sat quietly next to her mother and was immediately handed one of Jane's new dresses to hem.

As she started to sew Jane said in a sympathetic tone, "When I checked on you as you were lying down, I thought you looked upset so I was relieved when Mr. Darcy's note arrived and explained everything."

Elizabeth froze. Never in a thousand years she would have guessed that he would write about their fight but -

"It's too bad that he had to go to London and I think that if Charles had to leave I would be inconsolable."

London? Suddenly Elizabeth felt cold. What could Jane mean about London? Surely… surely Mr. Darcy had not gone to London? They had to resolve their argument!

"What - what exactly did he say?"

Mrs. Bennet picked up a small piece of paper from the side table and handed it to Elizabeth. "You can read it yourself, Lizzy. Though there is nothing of real interest, other than his departure. He does not even say why he went, though I fancy it is to prepare for a certain long expected question!" She giggled and her youngest two daughters joined her. She continued on about family jewels and special licences as Elizabeth read the note.

Dear Mr. and Mrs Bennet,

I must unfortunately inform you that I am needed immediately in London. I am not sure how long this need will continue. I thank you profusely for your hospitality and may God bless you and keep you.

Mr. Darcy

He was gone, forever. Elizabeth knew immediately that he had no intention of ever returning. The knowledge shocked her but at the same time she realized she should have expected this. What man would have stayed? From the very beginning she had only suspected and harangued him. What man with any dignity could have remained?

She was too exhausted to cry but the shock and misery kept her silent and withdrawn the rest of the evening. Her family noticed but supposed that she was merely sad to be parted temporarily from her beau. Feeling almost like she was in a trance, she sewed and listened to her family interact around her. She finished her dinner and then went to bed as soon as was permissible. She was desperate for the escape sleep would bring her.

Tears ran down Elizabeth's cheeks as soon as wakefulness brought reality crashing back the next morning. Quickly, lest she disturb Jane, she dressed and went for a walk. This walk closely resembled the one from the day before. Anger, tears and contemplation took turns burning away at her energy until, exhausted, she returned home.

Starving and weary, Elizabeth said little at breakfast for which her family teased her. Mr. Bennet especially enjoyed a little smirk and a few comments on 'young maidens' and 'pining lovers'. The assumption of her family hurt her further, as every mention of it only reminded her of what should be but would never be again.

But at the same time, she could not bring herself to tell any of her family the truth. Everyone was so happy. The truth would ruin that happiness, and on the eve of Jane's wedding! Indeed, the nearness of Jane's wedding made it almost impossible for Elizabeth to say anything. It would create an explosion of gossip if she were to be found 'abandoned' by the man who had been courting her. That would take all the attention and happiness out of Jane's wedding.

Also, perhaps… perhaps she was wrong. There was a chance, no matter what her suspicions were, that Mr. Darcy would someday come back. If so, she didn't want to kill the last far-fetched hope of a resolution. The only risk to this was Mr. Bingley.

Elizabeth wasn't sure what Mr. Darcy had told Mr. Bingley. Had he confided in him before he had left? Mr. Bingley had remained with Jane after Mr. Darcy had stormed out so it was possible that they had missed each other, but she had no way of knowing until she saw Mr. Bingley next.

There was no reason not to expect him this morning as it was his habit to visit every morning. She would have her answer then. Then a horrifying thought struck her; it was possible that he might not come if he knew the truth. What would the rift between his best friend and future sister-in-law do to Mr. Bingley and Jane's relationship?

The thought made Elizabeth a little sick and she went to her room to quietly as possible she paced in her room, anxiety making it impossible to remain still. She kept her door cracked and listened desperately for any sound of Mr. Bingley's entrance. Minutes ticked by at anganizing slowness, and though he was not later than his habit, Elizabeth was certain she had ruined her sister's future forever. Fears and sorrow for completely different reasons then before had Elizabeth shaking and feeling nauseated.

Suddenly there it was! Mr. Bingley's cheerful voice in the entry hall! Unable to restrain her terrified curiosity, Elizabeth burst from her room and reached the top of the stairs just in time to see Mr. Bingley hang his hat up and turn to Jane who had come to welcome him. Elizabeth immediately felt she was intruding as the couple smiled at each other, but desperation held her feet where they were. The fact he was here and smiling at Jane in such an intimate way meant the worst of her imaginings had not come about, but she still needed to know if he knew.

"Good morning, Mr. Bingley," she called down hesitantly.

He glanced up and when he saw her, his expression was disgruntled. For a second Elizabeth thought he knew all, but then he teasingly shook his head and said, "Good morning sister Elizabeth, but how many times do I have to ask you to call me Charles?"

She choked out a laugh. "I'm sorry 'brother' Charles to make you repeat yourself. I shall learn soon!"

Smiling, Charles said, "Please do, my voice is getting hoarse with the repetition!" Then he took Jane's hand and led her into the sitting room, calling over his shoulder, "Are you coming, dear sister?"

"In a moment, brother," Elizabeth called back with an appropriately teasing tone, though in truth, she felt that her legs might collapse with the strength of her relief. I do not think he knows why Mr. Darcy left. While it is possible that he's just hiding it, that seems out of character for him.

While Elizabeth stood at the top of the stairs, steadying her thoughts and emotions, there was a sudden knock on the front door. As Elizabeth watched as the housekeeper answered the door and let in Charlotte Collins.

Charlotte took one glance at Elizabeth and asked loudly, "Elizabeth! Whatever is the matter?"

Her eyes widened and Elizabeth rushed down to quiet her friend. As soon as Charlotte was divested of her outerwear, Elizabeth grabbed her hand and dashed with her upstairs. As Elizabeth closed her bedroom door behind them, she thought how grateful she was that her family were all too self-absorbed or distracted to read her expression as well as her friend had.

"Well, Lizzy, what is the matter? You looked like you had seen a ghost when I entered and now you've rushed me into privacy?"

"Oh Charlotte, I don't even know where to begin!"

"Is everyone alright? Everyone seemed fine when I was here yesterday morning. Even your long, long walk with Mr. Darcy seemed to indicate that all was well."

Charlotte said this last bit with a teasing lilt to her tone that caused Elizabeth's response to come out as more of a wail."I wasn't with Mr. Darcy!"

Her friend's eyebrows rose and she seated herself on the vanity's chair. "You were out for hours. Where did you go?"

Elizabeth collapsed into the chair next to the fireplace and shook her head, a little at a loss. She had no ability nor desire to hide the truth from Charlotte but wasn't sure how to express all that she was feeling.

Finally she just started with an explanation of Harriot's letter, the idea it had given her and then all the events that had followed, including an almost word-for-word recitation of the argument she had had with Mr. Darcy. Then finally she showed Charlotte the note that Mr. Darcy had sent afterwards, telling of his departure to London.

She had kept mostly calm through the retelling but the sight of the note brought back afresh the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that she had felt since she had first seen it and she burst into tears again. With all the drama that she was capable of, Elizabeth flung herself onto her bed and sobbed. It was a relief to tell someone but it still brought all her feelings back.

With sympathetic sigh, Charlotte sat next to her and rubbed her back. Her friend let Elizabeth cry for a few minutes then asked Charlotte hesitantly, "It is certainly not a pleasant thing to have happened…. but you seem more upset then I would have thought. Is it because on top of Mr. Darcy leaving you he also revealed Lt. Wickham's… upsetting past?"

Elizabeth pushed herself into a sitting position, wiped her tears and said indignantly. "While it was painful to hear how extreme my misjudgement was -and embarrassing- I didn't love him!"

"And Mr. Darcy?"

"Desperately!"

"Truly? I got a letter from you just four days past and while you said that the courtship was going well, you said nothing of love."

"I - We weren't engaged yet, I didn't want to be too… brazen."

"I guess I can understand that in public, but surely you haven't been so demure with Mr. Darcy?"

Elizabeth twisted her damp handkerchief in her hands, "I intended to tell him next time we were alone. But it's not like I haven't given him any encouragement."

The discomfort with which she said this clearly expressed to Charlotte the nature of Elizabeth's encouragement. Charlotte laughed a little and said "While that kind of encouragement is good, it is not the same as a verbal commitment."

Elizabeth nodded sadly and for a moment both were silent. Finally Charlotte straightened her shoulders and took on a matter-of-fact tone. "If he is gone then he is gone. I do not think it is as certain as you seem to, but the reality is that there is nothing you can do presently to affect it. What I really want to know is if everything he said about Lt. Wickham is the truth."

"I do believe so, for the most part the two narratives were the same. And then where they did diverge, Mr. Darcy's explanation was more realistic, less dramatic and filled with details like the sums of money. Also, how could he make up that story about his sister? No, I fear it all must be true!

"And how differently everything about him now appears to me! In light of his history, his attention to Miss King seems solely and hatefully mercenary! His explanation at the time had seemed so reasonable and the modest size of her fortune to prove the moderation of his ambition, but now? Now, it seems grasping, shortsighted and despicable. It is one thing to not allow attachment when it cannot reasonably progress, but it is a whole other thing to pursue someone for whom you have no attraction or affection!"

"And his behaviour towards myself could have no tolerable motive! He either originally assumed I had a larger dowry or he was simply gratifying his vanity through his flirtations with me! Now I cannot picture him in any of our interactions without remembering some little impropriety, especially towards those of the opposite sex. Indeed, I have plenty of reason to suspect far more than I actually witnessed when I consider the fact that the whole neighborhood, including my youngest two sisters, all seem to believe they have a special, close relationship with him!"

"Not everybody in the neighborhood or even all the young women," Charlotte said. "I know Jane never liked him and the idea of Jane not liking anybody is a rather extreme statement all in itself. Even I, while I certainly cannot brag of 'having seen through his facade' or anything so insightful, did one time warn you against believing him too perfectly, of trusting him too much. If you think on it I am sure there were others in the neighborhood who were a little more careful around him."

Elizabeth did consider it for a moment and her heart sank with the memories of her father's sarcastic disbelief and her aunt's words of caution. How had so many of her respected loved ones warned her against Mr. Wickham without her ever noticing?

"I am truly the most miserably arrogant woman to have ever lived!" Elizabeth cried.

Charlotte patted Elizabeth's shoulder but conspicuously did not disagree. "Whether you should have realized or not aside, it is the other aspects of Lt. Wickham's history that concern me the most. Everything Mr. Darcy said is worrisome, but there are also the things he only implied."

"What do you mean?"

"The words that Mr. Darcy used, if you indeed quoted faithfully, are words that while used in polite society, describe truly immoral behavior. The implications that Mr. Darcy made are ones of ruined women and destroyed businesses."

"I know. That is why it was so reprehensible for Mr. Darcy to allow it to continue!"

"But does this mean that these behaviors have continued in Meryton? Even now, are members of our community realizing that Lt. Wickham left yesterday and did not settle the various debts he left?"

"I shudder to think!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"I as well, which is why we should move quickly to repair as much damage as we can."

"What could we possibly do? We have no connection or power to affect him."

Charlotte looked at her friend askance. "While there are certainly things we ought not do, that doesn't mean we ought to do nothing. Is that not what you told Mr. Darcy, that with the knowledge of this man's history came the moral imperative to protect others from him?"

"But I am not in a position to question merchants or even mention Lt. Wickham. Just bringing up the subject could expose me to the worst kind of gossip!"

"Was that not Mr. Darcy's argument?"

Elizabeth was too chastened to reply. She had truly treated him abysmally.

"While it is a good argument from both you and Mr. Darcy - for he was also protecting his little sister - it does not excuse doing nothing at all, I agree with you on that. Also, as a clergyman's wife I have a bit more agency and ability to help the community."

Elizabeth straightened her spine and nodded. "Yes, and I have connections and the position to help you quietly. So how do we proceed?"

"Carefully, and cleverly."