Author's Note: ...
"Fucking dorks," was all Kevin could mutter as he laid in the pitch black of his room and imagined a three-way between Ed, Edd, n' Eddy. His parents had found out about the decimation of his motorcycle when law enforcement had stopped by. His parents had a little chat with the cops, his parents sharing pictures of Kevin when he was going through his wigger phase and the cops sharing a hilarious tale of the time they arrested Jonny's parents for possession.
After the fuzz departed, his parents asked him to explain himself and he called them dorks. They then sentenced him to a three weeks grounding with no human contact. To ensure this, they installed a wooden shutter on his window, ripped all the lights out of his room, and installed a security camera outside of his door. Finally, they sound-proofed his room so they didn't have to hear him calling them dorks over and over again. Kevin wondered where he had went wrong in handling the situation.
"Should've called them dweebs instead," Kevin concluded. He was also pissed at the Eds since it was one hundred percent their fault that he was in this situation. Sure, the Kankers stole his motorcycle and then whipped his sorry ginger ass in a race, but they were the Eds' girlfriends so the Eds probably asked them to do all that.
"Those damn dorks will pay for me being single!" Kevin yelled into the darkness of his room.
Sarah stood at her dresser since her chair was in front of her door so she couldn't sit down. She stared at her pissed off reflection. She was busy thinking about Dutch and Ed, two separate but parallel problems. She regretted finally giving into her carnal desire to sexually abuse Dutch. She thought after seeing the Kankers assault the Eds all those years that it was normal to molest those you love, but the incident with Dutch had set her straight: she was too fugly to get away with that.
As for Ed, he was acting less like he had down syndrome and more like a high functioning autist. She didn't know why he suddenly started to act like her big brother instead of a drooling baby, but she started to suspect it was Edd and Eddy behind it. She thought they knew better than to interfere in her dark scheme to force Ed to support her financially her whole life. It was clear they had grown too big for their britches and she'd have to make them into her bitches. She decided she had to investigate this further, and set off to check on Ed to make sure he was still in lock up.
Eddy peered from the lane and toward the Cul-De-Sac, hoping that no one spotted him high-tailing it from Park N' Flush. He hadn't meant to spend the whole night with the Kankers, but May was a fat bitch who kept demanding snack breaks in between the action.
"Hiya!" Jonny screamed from behind Eddy as he punted a soda can at him and knocked him off of the fence. Eddy dropped to the ground and the ice cubes he was storing in his underwear spilled out everywhere.
"What the f*** Jonny do you want me to press charges?!" Eddy yelled as he scooped cubes into his pant legs.
"You're supposed to kick the can back, Eddy!" Jonny answered as he readied up another can for delivery.
"Play solitaire a**hole, I'm trying to sneak back to the Cul-de-sac!"
"What are you doin' out here anyway, Eddy?" Jonny asked as he lowered his foot and kicked the can to the side instead. "And Plank wants to know if you just got a vasectomy!"
"No I'm freezing my jizz for future generations. And what the f*** are you doin' out here, huh?! Stalking me?!" Eddy responded as he put rubber bands around his thighs to secure the frozen load.
"Yessiree! But it was boring watchin' you limp down the lane so I wanted to spice things up!" Jonny revealed. Eddy's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach and he began to digest it.
"I wasn't at the trailer park, I swear!" Eddy pleaded as an ice cube slid in between his ass cheeks.
"I didn't say you were, Eddy!" Jonny replied. "Sheesh, I've only been followin' you for like two minutes!"
"Ignore what I just said then. I was out birdwatchin' or some retarded s***."
"At the trailer park?" Jonny asked as he scratched his head. "There's no birds out there, all the locals ate them!"
"I wasn't at the f***ing trailer park, remember?!"
"But you said you were?!"
"Okay maybe I was the d*** trailer park, but I was taking out the trash. It was an errand for my mom or whatever."
"Makes sense to me, buckaroo!" Jonny answered, Eddy wiping his sweaty palms on his soaking wet pants in relief.
"Cool, well I gotta split and change over to a heating pad-"
"But Plank wants to know if the Kankers will let him have sloppy seconds!" Jonny asked, causing Eddy's nuts to retreat inside his body.
"Tell Plank to s*** the f*** up! Me and the Kankers are platonic birdwatching partners!"
"Plank says you must have a real good view from their bedroom window!"
"Come here you piece of wooden s***!" Eddy screamed before snatching Plank away from Jonny. "You didn't see s***, understand?" he whispered to the backscratcher.
"..." Plank said.
"I don't give a f***! Tell Jonny you didn't see anything or I'll take back those magazines I let you borrow!"
"..." Plank said.
"That's more like it! Now I'm gonna hand you back to that dumba** Jonny and you're gonna play it cool. Capiche?"
"..." Plank said. Eddy handed him back over to Jonny.
"What was that all about, buddy?" Jonny asked, glad to have his partner in crime back by his side. "You mean Eddy actually was just birdwatchin' with the Kankers? Way cool! Let's grab our binoculars and head to the trailer park right now!" With that, Jonny bounded back toward his house with a screaming Plank held hostage in his arms.
"Godd***it, now I owe Plank one," Eddy complained before sneaking back toward his house on some James Bond shit.
"... and thusly, gents, it appears that my latent psychic powers have failed me and the opportunity to see Kevin this chapter has passed," Edd finished to the lumps sitting on his bed. Eddy pumped his fist in the air and Ed played with a loose string he found on his underwear.
"Kevin got f***ing owned and we don't have to do your stupid plan to be nice to him! Stop me boys, I'm on a win streak!" Eddy exclaimed at the news that Kevin had been put on maximum security by his parents for three weeks. "D***, I should quit while I'm ahead but I say we ramble down to Kev's and cheer him up by throwing burning dog s*** through his window!"
"Do you think that would cheer him up, Eddy?" Edd asked inquisitively.
"F*** you I know you're mockin' me."
"*Guffaws* u know what goes great with dog shit ahahaha shaving cream," Ed said as he whipped out a can of cool whip and hosed Edd down.
"Perhaps seeing me covered in head to toe in dessert topping would bring a smile to Kevin's face," Edd suggested as he stood there looking good enough to eat.
"That's a better f***ing plan than playing sweetheart with him so let's do it!" Eddy replied as he ran out the door. Ed quickly grabbed Edd by his feet and dragged him along, leaving a trail of fluffy white goodness in his wake.
Kevin sat on his bed peeling potatoes with his trusty switchblade while singing "Sweet Home Alabama" under his breath. Except every other word was replaced with dork. He jumped in surprise when he heard something splat against the wooden shutter installed outside of his window. "Maybe that's Rolf with the police scanner I asked him for," Kevin muttered before tossing a gutted potato to the side. He wasn't very good at manual labor.
Kevin unscrewed the wooden shutter using his gleaming switchblade made for slicing necks and brought it inside. There was a bag of burning dog shit attached to it. "Rolf's got some weird customs," Kevin said to himself before looking outside and seeing two laughing assholes and a clown covered in cool whip standing in his front yard.
"Yo Kev check out Double D!" Eddy yelled up as Ed bounced up and down and pointed at their creamy friend.
"Isn't it delightful Kevin?" Edd asked before lifting his arms. Cool whip dangled loosely off of him as ants began chewing on exposed bits of skin.
"My mind is blown. Now get the fuck off of my lawn crème de la dorks!" Kevin screamed.
"Ah but you see Kevin, this is but stage one of my brilliant plan to help you escape your room!"
"What the fuck is stage two? Covering Ed in dog shit?" Kevin mused.
"*Guffaws* tempting ahahaha," Ed interjected.
"Humorous but no! You must jump down into my waiting arms!" Edd stated before moving below Kevin's window and stretching the sticky sticks he called arms out to the fuming jock above.
"Back off Double Duckface! The squat dork can catch me!" Kevin replied as he waved his finely honed leg-stabbing switchblade in the air.
"H*** no, Ed can be your knight in shining armor!" Eddy said before shoving Ed into Edd, who face-planted into an ant hill. Ed threw his arms up at Kevin.
"*Guffaws* you are a fly ahahaha and i am ur paper," Ed said sagely as he wiggled his fingers.
"You better catch me dimdork or there's two fists with your name on 'em!" Kevin called down as he climbed halfway out of the window.
"*Guffaws* that makes four counting sarahs ahahaha." Kevin leaped out of his window and landed in Ed's waiting arms.
"Nice catch, lumpy!" Eddy complimented as he appeared at Ed's side. "Now help Double D up before those ants start planting eggs in his f***ing brain or somethin'."
"*Guffaws* his brain will feed them for years ahahaha hold this eddy," Ed replied before dumping Kevin into Eddy's arms.
"You gonna set me down dorkstack?" Kevin asked as Eddy cradled him.
"Give me a second while I find a puddle to drop your ungrateful a** in," Eddy replied.
"*Guffaws* if u wanna collect bugs double d ahahaha there is an ant city under my bed," Ed said before hoisting Edd to his feet. "*Guffaws* or at least there wuz before i ate them all ahahaha parents are cruel."
"That's quite alright, Ed. After our current task is complete, I think I'm going to toss my butterfly collection in the school furnace," Edd replied as he scraped ants and cool whip off his blemished skin with his fingernails.
"About f***ing time! Replace the butterflies with a photo of yours truly. Total p***y magnet," Eddy suggested as he held a jock in his arms. The three of them stood there for a moment afterward in silence.
"So is stage three of your plan to carry me around all day or are you going to put me down, Skipper?" Kevin asked.
"S*** I forgot, sue me," Eddy replied as he sat the soulless ginger on his petite feet.
"Why the hell did you dorks break me out anyway? Is this another scam?" Kevin asked before checking his wallet to put his fears to rest.
"We want to start over with you, Kevin. Wipe the slate clean, as it were," Edd began. "For countless years an aura of animosity and mistrust has lingered in the air between us. At last we seek to fumigate this hateful musk and replace it with the calm, soothing incense of cooperation and mutual understanding. The afternoons spent acting as shysters and pilfering your quarters shall be long forgotten as the seeds of love are-"
"Planted up your ass on the end of my foot if you don't fuck up, Marion!" Kevin yelled.
"*Guffaws* lets be friends ahahaha i declare ceasefire to world war dork," Ed said.
Kevin mulled it over in his head. The ceaseless engine of anti-Ed hatred still fired full power under the hood of his chin, especially after the three sexy dweebs had basically ruined his entire life in the span of two days. He wanted to snap their necks on the spot and bury the bodies under his unpainted shed. However, it was clear they were up to something and he'd never find out if he brutally murdered them. Kevin pulled out a quarter and flipped it and watched as it landed on heads.
"Fine you dorks are cool with me now," Kevin said.
"*Guffaws* bitchin."
"Thanks for busting me out but I gotta find Rolf and Nazz so we can do cool people shit."
"Strange isn't it that we live in a tiny Cul-De-Sac and yet everyone is always missing," Edd commented.
"We go missing when you dorks step outside."
"That was a friendly jab, right?"
"Totally. Peace out, dorks. I mean dweebs... losers?"
"You meant buddies perhaps?"
"Nah, not needlessly hostile enough. Later, geeks." With that Kevin strutted away like a peacock.
"Geeks? S*** looks like your retarded f***ing plan worked, sockhead!" Eddy exclaimed before slamming his fist hard into Edd's effeminate shoulder.
"I suppose geek is leaps and bounds above dork in the lexicon of insults," Edd pondered as he rubbed his freshest bruise of the day.
"*Guffaws* speakin of leaps and bounds ahahaha prepare for the chase scene," Ed said.
"What chase scene, monobrow?" Eddy asked.
"*Guffaws* this one," Ed replied before blasting Eddy point blank in the face with cool whip.
"These hands! Your neck!" Eddy screamed before chasing Ed into the woods.
"Hold on, gents! I think I'm starting to get a full body rash!" Edd yelled out as he joined the grand adventure in the woods with his two cute friends.
Nazz swung her lovely lady lumps and rump around as she danced up the lane to the tune of "Timber" by Pitbull. She paused her Walkman when she saw the future school shooter Jonny moping next to a dumpster sans Plank. For some reason he was sitting on a garbage bag with a puddle of water around it.
"Hey Jonny I think your garbage went number one," Nazz said as she stopped next to him.
"Nah that's just the ice soothing my achin' booty," Jonny answered.
"And why does your butt hurt?"
"I went birdwatching with the Kankers."
"O-K," Nazz answered. "Is that all that's wrong, dude?"
"Well... Eddy told me they made good platonic partners for birdwatching but there was nothin' platonic about it, let me tell ya sister!"
"That's screwed up of him to tell you that, dude."
"It sure was! But Plank kept tellin' me it was true... I don't even know what to think or who to trust anymore. I wish I had someone kind and considerate to talk to," Jonny admitted.
Nazz fumbled and caught her Walkman when it almost slipped out of her hands.
"Yeah that would be a big help for you, dude!"
"Yep. Someone I could tell all about my troubles!" Jonny added.
Nazz grabbed her chin to stop her teeth from chattering.
"Nothin' like a good friend to air complaints out to, dude!"
"Exactly! Maybe I need a blonde girl with a heart of gold to hear a wood-lovin' boy out in his time of need!" Jonny related.
Nazz wiped the sweat from her brow and armpits with a rag then tossed it in the dumpster.
"I just remembered that Rolf wanted to show me how to milk his cow using only his feet! Gotta dash, dude!" Nazz said quickly as she rapidly backed away.
"But I can come find you again if I need to talk to someone other than Plank, right?!"
"Yep! If you need me again I'll be in the middle of the woods in the complete opposite direction from my house!" Nazz cried out as she disappeared from the lane.
"Wowzers! Alone with Nazz in the woods! She must really like me!" Jonny said before turning around and hopping the fence. He decided he should go back to his place and tell Plank about his forbidden romance with Nazz.
Sarah leaned against the fence that ran along the playground while flipping a quarter in her hand. She stopped acting like a greaser punk when she saw Kevin walking toward her. They didn't like each other, but at least they had teenage rage in common so that dulled the hate.
"Hey Sarah, do you know why Nazz boarded up her windows?" Kevin asked as he finished shaving the last of his patchy stubble with his switchblade. "She kept screaming something about birdwatching when I rung her doorbell."
"Beats me. You know what else beats me? Why I shouldn't tell your mom that you're not in your room!" Sarah shot back.
"My mom isn't even home, female dork. She's at work."
"Don't worry, I know where everyone's mom works!"
"For dork's sake, cut me a break! I've already had to deal with Eddy and his two goondorks fucking up my entire week!"
"Tell me about it! Ed's supposed to be grounded but I swear he's spent like five minutes in his room the past two chapters!"
"So what are you out here doing? Searching for those nerddorks?"
"I was but the trail of whipped cream ran cold!"
"That's too bad. Double Dickface looks good in all white. What's weird though is that those reject dorks were the ones that broke me out."
"Ed was acting weird too yesterday! Plus he gave me one of my dad's beers!"
"What an irresponsible big brother. I think it sucks that you have a dumbass dork for a role model."
"Me too! Hope I turn out all right."
"You don't think this is a part of one of those stupid fucking scams do you?" Kevin asked, prompting Sarah to pat her pocket.
"My wallet is safe and sound so no! I think they're up to something else!"
"Any idea what it could be? You don't think those down under dorks are trying to be friends with us do you?"
"Nah, even they're not that dumb! But we should keep each other in the loop just in case!"
"Good call. Don't tell anyone about it though, those dorks have spies everywhere." Kevin and Sarah looked around to make sure there weren't any undercover dorks disguised as mailboxes before shaking hands. Kevin walked off and Sarah waited until he was out of earshot to unleash a wicked belly laugh. With Kevin as her ally, she'd be able to shut down the Eds' underhanded plans and fleece her brother for eighty percent of his paychecks till he kicked the bucket.
"Get back here you over-sized lump!" Eddy yelled as he pursued the elusive lump under branch and over brush in the woods. Ed was fast for such an attractive chunk of fat. Eddy's foot caught on a huge rotting log and the air escaped his lungs like a deflating balloon as he slammed the dirt. Suddenly a gang of singing technicolor animals climbed out from inside the log. Before they could attack Eddy, Edd knocked them out with a golf club.
"Is that my dad's slicer, sockhead?" Eddy asked.
"No it isn't," Edd answered before tossing it into a bush. "This chase scene is giving me a cramp, Eddy! Perhaps you should call it quits before we run into something more extreme like the Belly Button Eater!"
"Quitting is for people that wear f***ing socks on their head!" Eddy replied. "Now stay out of my d*** way while I shove that cool whip up Ed's-" Before Eddy could finish his threat, Ed zoomed in out of nowhere and tackled his two best buddies, best pals and sent the three of them tumbling behind the rotting log.
"*Guffaws* speakin of chase scenes ahahaha prepare for another one," Ed whispered as he shivered on top of them.
"I love camping as much as the next guy but can you get the f** off-" Eddy started before Ed slapped his hand over his mouth.
"*Guffaws* quiet or the mocking jays may hear you ahahaha."
"Oh lord, what is it Ed? Is it Sarah? I shouldn't have tossed away Eddy's dad's slicer..." Edd said, Eddy mumbling curses at him through Ed's hand. Ed craned his neck up above the log and stifled a horrified gasp at the alluring sight of the Kanker sisters standing right on the other side.
"Is there anything you're good for, May?!" Lee screeched. Edd and Eddy finally realized why Ed was so scared and pissed themselves. "You can't grab fleeing boyfriends, you can't tie your shoes, and you can't drive stick!"
"Yeah it's like we gotta do everything around here," Marie chimed in.
"*snort* u were liek two inches away from him marie lol besides u cant drive stick either," May countered.
"Wrong. No one knows their way around sticks better than me."
"I'mma grab a stick and start slappin' both your asses unless I see Ed shakin' on the ground in front of us in the next five minutes!" Lee commanded. The idea of her older sister spanking her with a tree branch turned Marie on something fierce. Suddenly May's nose perked up as the familiar aroma of Ed piss hit her oinker nostrils.
"*snort* save the switch lee lmao i smell pee pee mixed wit whip cream," May said as she sniffed the air.
"Stop smelling yourself!" Lee ordered.
"*snort* im hurt lee rofl but i think we both know who else smells liek that," May replied as her eyes trailed over to a particular log nearby.
"*Guffaws* uh oh spaghettio ahahaha the huntresses have picked up our scent," Ed whispered as he hugged Edd and Eddy in fear.
"Frmph mphit, mhetsh ghrit thif frmph ouough hmph!" Eddy said, muffled by Ed's hand. Ed lifted his hand and Eddy repeated, "Run!"
The Kankers jumped back in surprise when Ed popped out from behind the log, Edd and Eddy right behind him eating his dust.
"Looks like Ed brought his friends along for some hide n' seek, girls! Let's play!" Lee yelled as they split up to chase their respective boyfriends.
"*snort* shouldnt we count to twenty then lol," May called out.
"Shut up, May," Lee called back.
"*Guffaws* run and ahahaha run and ahahaha," Ed said as he ran and laughed in fear. He hadn't noticed that Edd and Eddy had sprinted in different directions as he avoided his blonde-haired pursuer in the maze of trees.
"Run and pant, run and pant, run and pant!" Edd said as he ran and panted. He could hear his blue-haired pursuer methodically pushing through foliage behind him as she whistled the Ed, Edd, n' Eddy theme like a creep. He spotted Ed with May hot on his tail ahead of him. May was running on all fours like a bitch in heat. "Ed, save me! My cramp is getting worse!" Edd yelled to his fleeing comrade.
"*Guffaws* i can handle it ahahaha take this evil cramp," Ed shouted as he clotheslined Edd to the ground, causing May and Marie to jump smack into each other. Edd quickly scooped up his teeth and pulled Ed up by his arm.
"Quickly now, Ed! We make for the Lemon Brook moors and hide our tracks among the morning dew!" Edd cried as he and Ed made for safety.
"*Guffaws* wut da fuck are u talkin about double d ahahaha," Ed said as they disappeared among the trees.
"Nice one, May," Marie said as she shoved May off of her. "That's twice they got away with your help. Did they pay you off?"
"*snort* not a chance lol they sum broke mofos," May replied as she and Marie picked leaves out from their bra straps. Eddy suddenly leaped through the bushes and landed in front of them, causing May and Marie to quickly stuff the leaves inside their bras before Eddy could discover the truth.
"Ha, got away from that orange-haired b-" Eddy began before noticing May and Marie grinning at him. "S*** this chase scene sucks," he said as he pressed his back against a tree.
"Well if it isn't our little playmate, Eddy," Marie purred as she and May stalked toward him like starving dogs eyeing a steak dinner.
"Look, I'm not in the mood. We were just having some fun in the woods when you three had to ruin it!" Eddy complained, though he realized chasing a retard through the woods didn't sound like much fun in hindsight.
"*Snort* We can make it up to you... how about we have some fun in the woods?" May suggested as she and Marie sandwiched Eddy up against the tree. Eddy felt his boner attempting to control his body again but he punched his dick and screamed externally. He was in control this time.
"You know what? F*** that! I ain't letting you two b****es put your hands on me again!" Eddy protested, memories of so many used and abused ice cube trays flooding his mind.
"Let us put our hands on you? Who said anything about you letting us do shit?" Marie asked like a witty rhetorical master of the spoken word before bitch smacking Eddy onto the ground. "If you won't give it up willingly, then we'll just have to take it!" she said before jumping on top of Eddy and flattening his boner with her kneecaps. "Now that you're comfortable, let me tell you something that you don't seem to get: you're ours, Eddy. The second you gave in to us you became ours, and there's nothing you can do about it. You want to start protesting again? Go ahead; but our deal is off then, and it all becomes public."
Eddy's eyes widened as he swore he felt a trickle of blood escape his dickhole. He could tell this creepy bitch was serious. If he didn't let them use him as a living dildo then they would spread the good word to the denizens of the Cul-De-Sac. He could picture Kevin calling him a slutdork as the other kids screamed with laughter and shot cans of cool whip at him. He imagined Ed and Edd disowning him when they found out that he broke the abstinence vow the three of them took at Peach Creek Methodist Church.
"You... you... you sadistic b****es," Eddy muttered, causing Marie to finally lift her kneecaps from his shattered pelvic bone.
"Good boy. Now how about we get that shirt off of you? You look like you need a little air..." Marie suggested creeptastically as Eddy closed his eyes and tried to think happy thoughts. Marie pulled Eddy's shirt off and May scrambled over and planted a kiss on Eddy's trembling lips. He prayed that Ed and Edd didn't come back to find him only to discover him doing the tantalizing tango with May and Marie. He now knew he had screwed the royal pooch when he agreed to being a Kanker love slave. He also knew he was gonna go broke buying bags of ice from the corner store. In any case, Eddy's biggest fear was that Lee would come back to see May and Marie having fun without her and then start spanking them all with a big fucking tree branch. That would be mad ugly.
