I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
As usual, this bit started one way, and ended up a completely different way, but fear not! Things will turn around soon enough.
Thank you to everyone for reading my drabble. I hope that you are all safe and healthy during the COVID 19 crisis. Stay safe 3
I was once told that the ocean has no memory. Maybe it's because there's no beginning to it, and it has no end. I didn't understand it at the time, and I figure that still holds true, but it was all that I could think about as I looked out at the water and felt the warm waves roll in and over my bare feet. I kept waiting for the memories to end as I stood there, but memories were all that I had left.
It was still so easy for me to get lost in the past; a past that I couldn't let go of. The sound of gulls calling, and water crashing onto the sand beneath my feet was bittersweet. There weren't many things I'd seen in my life that could take my breath away like looking out at the ocean. There was nothing that beautiful in Tulsa that I could remember; nothing as peaceful or calming. But with that calm came loneliness, and even as I felt my bride take my hand and bring it up to her lips to place a comforting kiss on my knuckles, the ache wouldn't subside. I wasn't the ocean. I tried again, but the memories came crashing over me like those waves onto the beach.
"I wish they were here to see this." My voice barely left my mouth and I wanted to take it back, but as usual there was no judgement from her.
"I know." She nodded before looking out to where my gaze had landed, and together we watched the sun melt into the Pacific.
"How are you doing?"
I shrugged and tried my damndest to give her a real smile. I owed her that much. She was my everything now that my family was gone, and I was happy—I really was—but along with the happiness came the guilt. Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for not being enough. Guilt for not being able to find my baby brother. Guilt for giving up. Guilt for being the one to survive throughout everything life had thrown at us; being the one to live a life instead of Sodapop, who'd been more worthy. His love and his light were as bright as the sun and deserved to still be shining. I was still alive and going forward in my life, and I felt the guilt of it.
"I'm happy," I tried to sound convincing, because part of me finally was happy. I'd finally made an honest woman out of my best friend in life.
"But?" She asked, knowing me so goddamned well.
The low sun made her copper hair look almost alive and on fire while she stood on that beach with me; clutching my hand in both of hers. Our week in Mexico brought us closer than ever, even before we'd spent the morning promising to stand next to one another for as long as we both shall love. And I'd felt the butterflies of joy and wonder as I looked at the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and lost count of the freckles that sprinkled across the bridge of her nose and the apples of her cheeks realizing that she was mine and I was hers.
And I was happy.
And I was guilty.
Because I should've told her that she was everything I'd ever need and want out of life, but I couldn't. I should've felt complete knowing she was now my wife; that nothing else in the world mattered except the life we were going to have together—just her and I.
But I didn't.
I couldn't.
Because he was still out there somewhere, along with Greg. He was safe from harm, but he wasn't where he belonged. He wasn't where he was meant to be; where I'd promised him I'd keep him until he didn't need his big brother hovering anymore. And as long as he was out there, I would never really be me. I would never be complete.
I looked at Beth and bit down on my bottom lip; trying to hide my shame, but she knew and she made it better.
"I'm sorry, doll. I'm happy today, I really am it's just…"
"Shhh…it's okay, baby. It's going to be okay. I know it's so hard without them here, but I swear we'll find Ponyboy, and we're going to make a home where he's safe and loved and supported. I don't care what it takes, Darry. We'll get him home with us where he belongs."
"I hope you know how much I love you." I choked as I let a few tears pass. "I never want you to not know what you mean to me. I love you, Beth."
Beth beamed as she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around me, and I couldn't help but do the same. I was a different man than I had been before I'd met her. I'd been hard and closed off, but because of her along with my two brothers, I wasn't afraid to feel the difficult things.
But part of me still felt alone.
The knock on the door was an unwanted reminder of how much my life had changed. The days of having the boys running in and out of the house and having to listen to that screen door constantly slam shut behind them was just a fond memory now, as were many things.
I finished washing my hands at the kitchen sink before reaching for my crutches and heading towards the door. He looked uncomfortable, although he'd been in the neighbourhood once or twice before, and I wondered if it was about that professional boundary that had him looking skittish rather than the fact that the neighbourhood was one big hole.
After Greg had all but been run out of town for going beyond the call of his profession, I was surprised to find Eric at my doorstep, but I couldn't help but smile at my Cherokee friend. He wasn't one of the boys I'd grown up with; but his loyalty and friendship were treasured just the same.
"Well, whatcha sellin' today? Vacuums?" I couldn't stop the smile on my face as I leaned heavy on my left crutch while trying to open the door.
Eric grinned back at me taking notice of my predicament, and took over the door situation, letting himself in. I backed up, still smiling like an idiot as Eric entered the house. I was ready to offer him my hand to shake, when he grabbed me into a bear hug.
"Diganeli," he squeezed as he called me his brother like he'd done since the first day I'd met him.
"Brother," I answered back before we let go and stood face to face. "What brings you here? Come! Come in and sit. Can I get you anything?"
I led Eric into the living room and watched absently as he sat down on the couch.
"No, Darry. Don't go to any trouble. I was just thinking about you after seeing Beth at work this morning. How's married life?"
"It suits me just fine." I smiled as I thought about how happy I was to be with Beth despite the fact that a huge part of me felt lost and forgotten.
The year had been trying on the both of us, but we realized we were stronger together. There was no one person carrying the weight of the other; we carried each other and when it was too much for me, Beth took over. When it was too much for her, I tried to do the same. If it weren't for her, I knew I wouldn't have survived.
"Beth is glowing. You two fit well. Any kids in the works?"
"No? Yes? I'm just lucky to have her. With everything…to have her stand by me. We're enough right now."
Eric nodded as he looked me up and down curiously.
"Still using the crutches? I figured you would've burned them in the back yard by now."
"It still hurts."
"Why haven't you asked for help?" Eric looked like a disappointed parent scolding his child.
"I'm fine. I'll figure it out. I just…" I shrugged not knowing what to say.
"Bradley. He's a great resource, diganeli. If you need help, he's there."
Which is how I wound up at the hospital that afternoon; wandering those Godforsaken hallways like I was in some sort of nightmare. Returning to the hidden service elevators until I was following Eric down the long corridor to where there looked to be several offices. However, when Eric opened one of the doors, it was like déjà-vu all over again.
"You made it! Great to see you!"
Bradley beamed as he approached me, and I suddenly felt cornered between him standing in front of me, and Eric standing behind me while blocking the door. It was like they sensed it, and the aura seemed to change as Bradley stepped back a bit.
"Darry, I wanted to see how you were progressing at home. I was kind of hoping you would've stopped by to see me before now."
"No sense in bothering you." I shrugged. "You done all you could. You're busy with people that need you more."
Bradley looked passed me to Eric, before giving me a sad smile.
"I heard your leg hurts pretty good. Why don't you take the bench? I'll have a look at it."
I looked at him and then at Eric as he was suddenly beside me. I nodded, unsure as I let them both help me walk further into the room and towards the exam table, and I couldn't help but think of Greg and that day I needed him to look over Ponyboy; but like the perceptive doctor that he was, he decided to check me out first.
Bradley took my crutches from me while Eric had a hold of my arm and helped me step on a foot stool before I could move myself to sit on the table.
"Why don't you lay down?" Bradley suggested as he placed a pillow to my left and patted it as if I were in the market to buy it.
I shrugged wearily as he helped me to lay down, and I let a deep breath go that I didn't even know I was holding.
"You should be using a cane by now." Bradley commented as he felt along my left leg; gauging my expressions while he prodded.
"Still hurts," I grunted as he felt along my thigh; pushing along the scar.
"You doing the exercises I showed you? You going to the gym like you said you would?"
"Don't exactly have a ride anymore. Can probably still find pieces of that wreck scattered about."
Bradley was quiet while I clammed up; annoyed by his questions. My life had been turned upside down, and all he could ask was if I were exercising. What fucking difference did it make if I ever walked without crutches again?
"How do you plan on taking care of a handicapped brother while you're still on crutches?"
"What?" I looked at him incredulously.
"Or if you have a baby. You gonna sit on that ass of yours while your kids are out playing ball? C'mon, Darry. You can do better than this. I heard you were a fighter."
"It hurts! What the hell do you want from me?" I shot up from the table, and the next thing I knew, I was barely on my feet with Bradley holding me up by the armpits, keeping me from landing on my face.
"That's what I want you to see, buddy. You hurt, and you're having a hard time telling the difference between the pain in your heart, and the pain from your accident. We don't wanna see you giving up, man. You're young with your life ahead of you."
"WHAT LIFE? EVERYTHING IS GONE!" I snapped. "I'm a stranger in my own life, for fuck's sake! My family is gone!"
I felt the shame of discounting Beth, but the memories of Sodapop and Ponyboy were like a constant ringing in my ear; driving me to the brink of madness because they weren't with me. There was still no word from either Steve nor Two-Bit, although I didn't expect anything from Keith after the way I'd treated him the night of the accident. They were my family—they were what I knew and were who I was. And with the added absence of Greg to ground me like he always managed to do, I was lost.
"Diganeli,"
Eric placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. He looked sad. He looked disappointed.
"You aren't alone. We're here to help yo…"
"It's not the same!" I cried, frustrated. "I know y'all mean well, but it just ain't the same."
I was suddenly exhausted as I slumped against the exam table and stared at anything but the faces of the two men that were trying to help me.
"He's out there, Darry." Eric leaned into me; the weight of him was comforting. "He's out there and you're giving up on him? That isn't like the man I know and respect. That's not the man I watched sitting at his brother's bedside for months straight willing him to make it through. He's a warrior, Darry. Don't give up now, because if I know one thing, it's that wherever he is, he's still fighting and expecting you to get out there and find him."
I nodded at Eric's words because they always held a deep wisdom and truth from a perspective that was nothing like my own. I knew very little of Eric's past, but the pieces I did know were very similar to the pasts of those living on the east side of Tulsa. He knew what it was like to have your social status cripple any chance you had in getting ahead in life; and his cultural background would do him no favours either. But he'd made it somehow, and was sitting at my left with his arm around me; fighting to keep me on my feet. His words suddenly stirred a memory.
"You were there; I remember now. You found me then like you did tonight. I knew you'd find me, Darry. I knew you'd find me and take me home. I knew you'd make him go away."
It was what Ponyboy had said to me after I'd found him in that old machine shop the night Campbell broke in and made to terrorize once again. Of course, that was the last time he'd lay his disgusting hands on my brother before I and Tim Shepard made sure he'd never breathe again.
Ponyboy didn't lose hope and he didn't lose his faith in me. Even while that unimaginable bastard was taking what he wanted; tearing Ponyboy apart piece-by-piece, my brother knew I'd find him and he held on for me until I got there.
"I'm so sorry, Pony!"
I realized I was almost in hysterics, but the years had finally taken their toll, and I'd been beaten down enough to know that not even a drink would ease the heartache inside of me. This river ran too deep.
"Shhhh…Darry," I heard Bradley's voice as Eric held me tighter.
"The cocoon, diganeli. Remember the story my grandfather told? You're the butterfly, brother. You need to be stronger than you ever thought you could be so you can find him."
"I'm so tired!" I wiped at my eyes impatiently, and Bradley nodded at me.
"That's why we're here. Let's get you back on your feet."
