Uchiha Jon was still super drunk and depressed and shit. He put his finger to his head. Sweat drops ran down his face and chin and into his shirt as he pointed his index finger like a gun at his temple, hand shaking. "I'm going to fucking do it," he said to no one like a crazy drunk person.
A little bit of blue sparks started zipzapping around his index finger. Tears welled up in his eyes. He was just about to commit suicide when he remembered he had shit to do.
"I GOT A SASUKE TO FING!" Jon proclaimed to the moon goddess while doing a backflip, cept he landed on his face cause even he isn't above terrible drunken motor skills and coordination.
But then most suddenly, Jon got the quick urge to off himself.
"No, I didn't, fucker!"
Yes, yes, he did.
"Fuck you, author. I'm not killing myself. This shit just started back up."
Oh, but Jon was totally jonezing to kill himself, so he did.
Jon doesn't kill himself, though. Huh? How?
"It has been made super canon now that Uchiha Jon is definitely a television show in universe and thus, being Craig British, Uchiha Jon's actor, so I'm just not going to do it. Fuck you."
…k.
Uchiha Jon remembered that he had an interview to go to.
"Welcome to Good Morning Naruto Land! Here are your hosts, former Hokage Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei!" said the announcer guy.
"Ahem," Kakashi said, clearing his throat. He fixed some papers by hitting them atop the desk, then threw them on the floor. "It's very nice to have you here, Uchiha Jon." His tone gave no fucks.
"Yes! It's very fucking nice!" Gai shouted, his tone having all the fucks as he did some weird pose with a circle from his fingers over his eye and a high kick thing atop the desk.
"It's very fucking nice to be here," Jon said, thinking this guy might be gay or retarded. But Uchiha Jon is a good guy, so he didn't point that out.
"Tell ya what, I bet I'll ask better questions than ol Kakashi here and get better answers or I'll let Kakashi stick his dick in my mouth! Would you all like to see that?!" Gai's enthusiasm was overwhelming, but the audience did not respond the way he had thought. There was a lot of silence, confusion, and disgust. A few people clapped?
Kakashi was doing anime sweat drop. He coughed. "Moving on," he said.
"Yes, let's," Jon replied.
"With the recent revival of your television show, is there anything you'd like to say to your fans?" Kakashi asked.
"Funny that ask, Kakashi, but yes, there is," Jon said, turning directly to the camera. "Fuck um. Fuck you all."
"That's…a good sense of humor you have there."
"I'm serious. I fucking don't care at all. Fuck y'all."
"Well, there's definitely something to be said by such unbrazen 'no shits given' attitude," Kakashi said, showing no interest at all. "So, what is it like working with your coworkers?"
"In a word, Kakashi? Sexy," Jon said wicked charming and cool. He was super cas (ual) on his sofa chair, one arm hanging off an arm and one leg atop the other, but not in the gay way. The audience females swooned, instantly forgetting that Jon don't give no fucks, or maybe that was all part of the plan.
"Are you suggesting something, Jon?"
"Weeeeelllll…"
"I'll ask it bluntly: have you banged your costars?"
"Well, not the girls. I tried, believe me, but they all said no."
"So, wait, what?"
Suddenly, the audience was consumed by fujoshis and the it was pretty gross the looks on their faces. "DID YOU BANG SASUKE FOR REALS?!" they shouted.
"Oh, yeah, def. That dude is wicked gay," Jon said.
Kakashi raised the visible brow. "Are you suggesting you're not?" he asked.
"Oh, no, I'm not. I'm just a method actor, you know. That's sort of why Sasuke became the main love interest. We dressed him up as a girl for my benefit."
"Okay. So, you, Craig British, are not. But Jon is?"
"The character, yes, but Uchiha Jon isn't."
"I don't understand."
"Well, the stories are documentaries, you see, but the author thought there needed to be more queer shit in it so Jon did queer shit."
"As far as I can tell like everyone does queer shit in it."
"Yeah?"
Kakashi didn't add anything but somehow looked annoyed while still not giving any fucks.
"See, Uchiha Jon wasn't comfortable with all the gay shit so they hired me to do all the gay shit for him. Eventually, there was so much gay shit that he was on set so little that I just kind of took over and we only used him for the stunts."
"That's…very eye-opening," he said, yawning. "And it's a documentary, you say. Somehow that doesn't make sense to me."
"It's like reality TV. Just go with it."
"Right. Okay. It's all very interesting, really," he said, expressionless. He whispered to Gai, "I'm pretty sure he's making all this shit up."
Gai grinned and gave Kakashi a 'I'll handle this' look. "I'll handle this," he said and jumped upon the table and leaned down waving a picture in Uchiha Jon's face. "DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!"
"Uh, yeah. That's Lee," Jon replied.
Gai turned to Kakashi with utter shock of defeat upon his face. "He's telling the truth!"
"…" Kakashi replied.
Gai gave a toothy smile and a thumbs up, thinking to Kakashi 'I understand. You want more proof.' So he spun back to Jon. "WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING WITH MY WONDERFUL LITTLE PUPIL?!"
"Um…He was kinda stupid, I guess," Jon said.
Darkness and dismay lines went around Gai as he fell to his knees on the desk and hunched over. Then fire erupted around him and he raised a shaking fist with fire in the eyes too and clenched teeth. "He's lying, Kakashi!" Gai then thought to Kakashi 'Maybe you were right!'
Kakashi thought back 'actually, I'm not sure.'
Gai didn't understand the insult Kakashi had just thrown to Lee, but he started thrusting his pelvis into the picture. "LEE! LEE! I'll AVENGE YOUR HONOR!" he said, thrusting away. It made a sound like wind blowing paper. "LEE!" tears were now running down his face.
"GAI-SENSAI!" came a distant voice.
"LEE?!" Gai jumped off the desk and ran into the arms of his pupil. They did a hug that lasted far too long.
Kakashi sighed. "I think that's it for today."
