Inuyasha: Upon A Wishing Well
Chapter Twenty-One
How did Maiko know that Rin died? Has she been to this world already, or does she somehow know how to access dead memories? If that creature really is Rin, she must be in so much pain. We have no answers for anything. This time, we have to rely on someone else to show us the way. No one here is ready to handle what else Maiko could have ready for us. I know I'm not.
Even though I don't want to rely on someone else, even though I don't want to follow in Kikyo's footsteps, I still need to do it. It could mean the difference between Maiko being fully able to hurt us and barely.
She looked at the ground the entire time they walked. This walk was silent. No one had wanted to discuss where they were going, who they would see. This shrine where Kikyo had trained was one of great reverence to all, as evidenced by Miroku's words, and it would mean hearing more and more about Kagome's predecessor. This had also been the place that Kaede had trained, where many other miko had gone to prove their worth. Ultimately, this had been the place that blessed Kikyo with the burden of the shikon no tama. As it had gone, the jewel would go on to betray Kikyo and Naraku. After they'd removed it from their tumultuous world, it would still betray them all. Lives would separate, and they would never come together again. In a way, this was following fatal footsteps. It was like a medical examination without the right tools, but the right knowledge. Kagome was already only too aware of how important and how much they were relying on her now.
This would become Kagome's sole fight against Maiko. This was her defining moment. If she could impress Tsukae, and become a miko in this one act, she could basically bring pride back to her teenage self, who had been more than capable of dramatic spiritual feats. As she was right now, she had far more physical ability but none of the capability of a miko that she did a few years ago. This was a tragic truth she could change.
She looked down at her hands, taking in the painful way her skin had become dry. She hated how she felt right now. She felt the burden on her shoulders. She felt eyes on her when she turned away. This was why she'd once decided she would never tell anyone in her home about what had happened here, to make her leave. She had decided no one should know how she carried herself with memories. But they were here, in her palms, creases and in her skin. She was still Kagome, the girl who had defeated Naraku. Sealed deep inside, afraid of letting herself out.
"I'll be okay," she said, aloud. "I can do this. It shouldn't be harder than my final exams for nursing school."
They all looked at her, confused about her words. Of course, nursing school was an anomaly to them. She let herself shrug, a sheepish smile to accompany. It's just stuff from my world, she wanted to say. It's just everything I've spent my entire life studying for. But she also thought about how she had pushed them out before. They were curious about her, about her life. Kagome had changed the most out of everyone, even though she felt the same inside. It was Inuyasha's curious look, before he looked away, that hit her the most. Really, he didn't know anything about her world, or about her. He'd never known much to begin with. Kagome had been disclosed until she had left, the last time. Each time she came back, she was someone else. She had a new reason, a new purpose in life, that they never knew about.
She inhaled. "It's like being an… assistant miko. I can help with wounds, very serious ones. I studied this for years now," she admitted. She thought back to what made her want to do it in the first place.
Sango's injuries, sometimes so serious that Kagome felt horrible for not being able to help.
Inuyasha's injuries that brought tears to her eyes.
Shippo's little injuries when he would step up to save them.
Miroku's kaazanaa, that was so horrible, she wished modern medicine could cure it.
All of these people made her decide she wanted to be able to help. She didn't want to be a doctor, but she did know being a nurse would help more people. She could really stretch her hands, feel life as it is. She wanted to be someone who could be there, and not miss a beat. For the friends, who in her time, were dead.
But these were people who would never see how she would grow in her own world. Once their adversary was defeated here, she would have to once again go through the process of forgetting the moments she stole in this world. She looked down at her hands, lifting them to her face, and took in what she'd done in the past few days. Hugging Sango, holding Shippo close, holding Inuyasha's hand, and even petting Kirara. All of these things were ingrained into her, and after six years of not being close enough to them, she could safely say that she would need more and more time to forget the happiness she had here. This felt more like a home than her own did. No matter how much she convinced herself that she could move on, it might not be a reality this time. She was no longer the little girl who could drown herself in school to forget the people she loved. They were dead when she crossed over to her time.
She would have to mourn them again, without heartbreak as her medium of forgetting.
A slow sigh, her eyes cinched shut. And she felt every single feeling of sadness wash over her in an instance.
In a way, Maiko had been the one to open up the doors to this reality for her again. She would never have come here if it hadn't been for Maiko. Now, she would have to kill Maiko too.
I'll have to kill a human girl. One who I knew when I was younger. Who has no fault in what happened to her. Its funny how fate decides so much for all of us. It separated us, but helped me find Maiko. Fate made Maiko into the one thing she never should have been. How could any of us avoid fate?
Is there no way for anyone to have a happy ending?
"Kagome? Are you paying attention? We're almost there," was the interruption that she heard, in Miroku's voice. She looked up, but she couldn't hide her thoughts from her expression. Miroku's face crumbled at what she looked like. Kagome could only imagine what he thought. "What is wrong? You don't look very happy."
For once, it seemed like her emotions were on display. She thought about just saying she was tired, but it wasn't true. The thought of killing another human disturbed her. Especially since this was a human from her time, her age, who would shed human blood. Maiko was like Kagome.
"I'm sorry, I'm getting sentimental over everything," she admitted, with a hint of a smile. The old version of her, who could justify her acts as just trying to save this world, was failing. She couldn't even use that to justify killing the human woman who was full of bitter hatred. Maiko was still a human from her time, a miko, who was being used by Naraku and his memories. She could have avoided all of this had her family never died.
"It's okay to be sentimental," Sango said, in a soft voice. Her comforting voice was unlike the commanding one from when she confronted Sesshomaru. Sango had been entirely different at that moment. The woman Kagome had seen years ago was now a taijiya, unafraid of anything. Kagome could only imagine how much the loss of one person could change someone. Maiko had lost her family and it turned her into the one thing she would have never been had her brother stayed alive. Kagome could see the lines connecting Sango to Maiko, both so in love with their family that having them torn away in a tragic event truly tarnished them. Was Maiko different before she lost her family? Did Kagome imagine it right – the kind, happy side of Maiko she'd seen as a child? How much of this was Maiko, and how much of this had been Naraku's doing? Was she destined to be like Naraku?
Would Kagome have to kill someone who was so much like her?
Would this make her like Kikyo, who had to shoot Inuyasha because of her destiny as a miko?
Kagome shuddered at the thought. She visibly looked away, tried to keep the expression away. When her eyes landed on Inuyasha, she thought about just how cruel it was. The more she connected with Kikyo, the more she felt like she was turning to stone.
"I'll be okay. I just hope Lady Tsukae will train me," Kagome admitted. She could distract the conversation, but not her own thoughts. Each step was leading her into Kikyo's shoes.
How much longer until she fulfilled her duty and killed Maiko?
"Wait—this is the shrine Kikyo trained in? Are you sure?"
She stared at the structure before them. This shrine was grand. It had arches, the classic structures of Japanese shrines and it featured so many of the telltale features of the Shinto shrines she saw being built in her time. But what struck her as the biggest shock was the fact that she had indeed been here, in her own time. She had seen it many times as a teenager, when her school would go there for the minor retreat activities they had. Field trips here every year were common for the young girls and boys of their middle school. What struck her as more of a shock was the fact that the purpose of this shrine had changed over time. It was, in her time, a national tourist location, and a place many schools would send their children to pray. Because of its eloquent structure, this shrine was celebrated for architecture.
But here, in this time, it was not meant for that purpose. She could see women of all ages in the white and red hakama. They wandered about, conducting various activities. She could sense spiritual presence here. This was a place for miko to train under a master, to learn to become the young women that would essentially protect another shrine. She had no idea this had been a space for this kind of thing. In her time, it had been all but wiped out from history, much like the presence of Kagewaki's Estate had been turned into Ishiguro Shrine. Much of the radiance of Kagewaki's castle had been wiped out by Naraku, and the remainder had been changed into a peaceful shrine over time. This place, however, would only grow in radiance in part thanks to conservation efforts from many groups. It would double from what it was now.
But the main building stayed the same. The Shinto figures housed inside would forever stay. She would see them in five hundred long years, pray there with her friends, and many more would continue that tradition.
It was the first time she saw something, besides Goshinboku, that really hit home for her.
"I've been here," she announced, in a voice that sounded awed. "I've been here in my time! I came here so many times. We prayed here, we did a retreat here, this is somewhere in our time that still exists!"
Her words sounded so ridiculous, but to her, it was something wonderful. Her stomach burst with butterflies. "You mean this still is a place for miko to train in your time?" Miroku asked. He seemed more interested in this than he had been her other words. Evidently, they never considered the fact that her time was so far ahead, some structures were demolished. Time had changed so much, but Kagome realised some things stayed. "Yes! It becomes even bigger, and so many people travel there every year. It isn't a miko training ground anymore, but people still pray," she exclaimed.
For some reason, she felt more connected to her time here. She felt as if she might finish her duty and return home.
And possibly become the person she would have been when she came to Tokyo from the United States not so long ago.
"I wish I could see," Shippo announced, in a sordid voice. "Your time must be so interesting." He'd reverted to the childlike form he had when he was younger, but there was no hiding the fact that he was different from then. He was interested in more than simply the childlike things around him. He was interested in her time now. "I wish I could show all of you," she responded, in a saddened voice.
They didn't exist in her time, despite the things she brought back to show them.
She took out her cellphone, turned it on, and managed one more picture of all of them together, at this shrine. She promised herself she would go there in the modern era and take one more picture, too. She wanted to see both of them, when she finally let go of this chapter of her life, and feel their presences forever.
Her hand drifted over Inuyasha, who stood in the picture motionless. He watched the camera. She could treasure his pictures forever.
She turned the phone off and watched a woman finally notice them. The woman frowned at their appearances. When she approached, she strangely enough went straight to Inuyasha. From her experience, most would avoid him. But the woman seemed more intent on his attention. Did she feel his demonic energy? Was she afraid of him most?
Or did she feel like he was the leader of them all?
"None of you appear to be miko in training. Why have you come to our shrine?" she asked. Her voice was neutral. She had been in some sort of a task.
Inuyasha didn't respond back, but the woman looked at him intently. "We have a miko with us. She needs training," Inuyasha finally said. His voice sounded just as annoyed as he looked. It was the first time Kagome heard that familiar irritation in his tone. It made her smile. Somehow, she felt the comfort of the old Inuyasha in him. It was enjoyable. It felt familiar, because that meant he was not as enchanted by this place.
Kagome knew Inuyasha enough to see how he was looking around this shrine. She could see his eyes trace the buildings. He had no interest in it for what it was. In her heart, Kagome could tell he was trying to trace Kikyo's past. She could tell he wanted to know what she did, when she did.
For some reason, instead of the jealousy, all she felt was an impending sense of concern. Concern for what this meant for herself. She was about to do something that women, miko in this time, would do. Training here meant she was taking one more step away from her education and training at home. She was going closer and closer to the woman who once pinned Inuyasha to the sacred tree, came back to life as a living corpse, and sacrificed herself for all of them. She was about to do something that had very little in common with her chosen career. If her friends from the States had been here, they would have seriously questioned her. Would she have done this if Greg had been beside her? Would he have let her put her life at risk? Would her sadness he apparent to him when she was looking at the places she was going now?
The answer was a no. Her friends from there would tell her to go back, to stay away. But it was her friends from this time who taught her to face her fears.
Kagome clutched her cellphone close, and thought back to that picture she took days ago, when she thought she would never come back to this time, with Shippo, Miroku, Sango and Kirara. She felt her heart flutter at the thought that she was so influenced by them.
"I see. She does look very familiar," the woman said. "I will take her to Lady Tsukae. This is a sacred training ground, the rest of you are not permitted here. Please go to the village nearby, they have an inn you may stay in."
Kagome had never realised, or considered, that she would have to stay here alone. She looked at all of her friends faces and felt her stomach melt. The feeling was not good. "But—" she began. But it was Inuyasha who raised his hand to stop her. For some reason, he seemed much more respectful of this place than she would have thought he was. She felt her heart hammer in her chest. She didn't want to say she was afraid. She didn't want them to know she was terrified of being alone. But they would know either way. She wanted them to stay, to be here when she trained. If she had to do it all alone, she might not be able to. Her hands clenched into fists, and she tried to hold in the emotion. This would be the first time since they reunited that she wouldn't see them again. She was afraid of it.
"Of course," Miroku appeased. "Kagome, we're not far from you. If anything is needed, just come to us. I will come see your training on occasion, if I am permitted."
"Yes, you are. A hoshi at our training would be most helpful," the miko responded.
The rest felt like formalities. She stood as the other miko walked away, and stared at her friends. Sango gave her a gentle smile, and squeezed her hand. "You're going to be fine. Just be strong," she encouraged. Kagome could tell Sango didn't want to leave her here alone. She had been the first one Kagome was united with when she came here.
"And make sure you show all of these old miko just how strong you are!" Shippo encouraged.
Miroku put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll visit later, once we've found somewhere to stay. Don't worry," he said.
The three of them went off on Kirara, leaving her uncomfortably alone with Inuyasha. She looked away, mostly out of habit. But she felt his eyes on her, trying to find something. Was he trying to see if she looked like Kikyo in this instance? Or was he trying to see if she was afraid? The nervousness should have been more than obvious. Kagome didn't want to be left alone here. She knew no one, knew nothing. She was going to do something that was new to her. But she had to do it. She wanted them to be able to defeat Maiko, and if she wanted the skill to do it, it would be here.
Without anyone else to help her, without Inuyasha to save her if something wasn't easy enough.
But in her mind, looking at Inuyasha, she could recall something else. Her mind replayed the voice of Greg, the boyfriend she'd left behind in the States, who gave her convocation to be alone. If Inuyasha was the strength that protected her, Greg was a strength that taught her to protect herself. She remembered learning to swim, learning martial arts, and learning how to hold her own against people twice her size. She learned that she didn't need to be a demon or even super special to be able to show others how strong she was. And there, alone in a foreign country, she learned she didn't need people to make her way. She did it by finding new friends, by making her own path.
Greg taught her that.
And she relished, for a moment, with Inuyasha's suddenly surprised look, over the thought of Greg.
"You really want to go back? Even though we're all here?" he asked.
Greg did look sad. She knew he was. But she felt something in the pit of her stomach telling her she had to go. She could feel it welling inside of her. If she didn't go home, she would never be able to
"You know," she began, taking his hand. "You're the one who taught me to embrace new challenges. Especially alone. And being in Japan again is a new challenge for me."
He turned a surprising shade of pink. Then she felt his hand squeeze hers back. "This isn't a break up, Greg. I'm only—" she began. But his arms wrapped around her, tightly, and she felt the silence was better fitted to it. She felt his head on her shoulder, his warm embrace. She couldn't imagine how hard this was going to be for him. They'd talk over the phone, they'd remove one another from social media, and they'd start seeing others. She would call him her friend. She would try to move on. But nothing would ever replace what she had with him.
He pulled away, but not without a smile.
"Go get 'em, Higurashi. Make me proud," he whispered.
Reality was different. But the memories of someone who could make her feel so strong, so happy, were everywhere inside of her. Greg was more than an ex-boyfriend, he was someone who told her to do what she needed to. He knew she didn't need protection. And here, in this new and difficult world, she would have to find her own way. She would do it because it was something she knew.
"Kagome, don't be afraid."
She looked up, snapped back to reality, when Inuyasha finally spoke up. She could tell something else was on his mind from how he looked at her. He looked at her, but through her, all at once. She felt her heart hammer in her chest, if only because it was him. Although she knew their relationship now, barely fixed from the fractured one that they'd had since six years ago, she still felt the same warmth when he looked at her. She still felt love and trust. She still felt protected and warm. She still wanted to tell him she was the same girl he knew before, but with more strength and independence.
But now was not the time to talk about the past.
Now, she had to prove she was grown up.
"I'm not afraid," she responded. "I'm going to do this for all of us. Maiko is my mistake… I know I have to be the one to stop her."
Unspoken was the thought that it was what Kikyo would have done. The same Kikyo who Kagome once despised, was someone who Kagome now understood. She would have to become Kikyo, a tragic, now deceased spirit. She would have to be the miko she had never wanted to, and she would have to kill someone who was just as human and misfortunate as her. She would have to see if she could overcome the boundaries of her own human body in order to become much more than she currently was. She remembered that vision of Kikyo, guiding her from within, and could only hope it could come back. She needed the strength.
It was when she felt a hand take hers that she looked up. He was now looking at her. No distractions, no other thoughts. He was giving her the look that he'd given her that day she'd ran away to her home forever. Although fear welled up inside of her, she stayed still.
He looked sad.
"You're really… strong," he said, in an uncertain voice. "Ever since you came back, you've never needed us."
"I was alone for six years," she admitted, forgetting that she could say too much. "In an entirely different part of the world. You have to be strong. Like you, I wanted to stop relying on memories and people."
"Memories are important," he interrupted. She felt his hand hold hers tighter. This was the first time he'd touched her like this. Somehow, his hands were different from what she remembered. They carried weight with them. The weight of time and space, of being alone for so long. With them came the weight of memories that she thought she'd forgotten. These hands held her, saved her and kept her alive for three long years of her life. These very hands were the ones she longed to hold once. She still felt the need to hold his hands and be the girl he would look at.
Kagome still loved Inuyasha, just as much as she did six years ago. Just as much as she had since she was fifteen and first laid eyes on him.
"I'll still watch over you," he said, in a voice that sounded thick with more emotion than she had ever heard. "Even if you don't need my help, I won't let anything happen to you."
When he let go of her hand, she felt her heart ache. But unlike the past where she let him do everything, she reached out for his hand and held it tightly. She let him know, for once, that she wanted to be with him too.
"Thank you, Inuyasha. I won't let you down… I promise."
And she smiled at him.
