Guys. This chapter. I don't know what it is. There's something I don't quite like about it but I don't know what it is. Maybe it feels like a filling chapter or something, I don't know, and I'm not going to figure it out so I'll just go for it.
Maybe you can tell me, or maybe you'll like it, whatever, I'm grateful for any feedback as always!
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Brienne was standing on a hill on Tarth, the wind blew around her and brought the salty promise of ocean and freedom with it. The moonless night was dark, but the stars glowed like campfires in the blackness to guide her way. She could hear the waves crashing against the shore and the wind in the trees, a soft breeze that stroked through her hair like the fingers of a lover.
She opened her eyes, blinked and realized that it was the fingers of her lover. No. Her husband. He smiled down at her as she squirmed sleepily, trying to chase the drowsiness away.
"Good morning."
"Morning", she mumbled, a yawn escaping her throat.
"Sorry if I woke you. But it's time for breakfast." Brienne rumbled slightly, crawling deeper under the warm furs, cuddling to his side.
"Skip it." Jaime smiled fondly at her muffled voice.
"Is it really appropriate for the Evenstar not to be present at breakfast?" She moaned. She had forgotten.
Now, with you getting married, it seems the right time for me to step down, her father had said. It hadn't been much of a fuss, gladly. No ceremony or something, the question of reign had always been more of a family matter. The handover had been announced jointly with the wedding, and that was all it took to make her officially the ruler of Tarth.
"It's appropriate for the morning after her wedding", she said, rolling onto her back to be able to see his face at her next words. "We should practically be on our honeymoon, after all." Jaime smiled and leaned forward to brush a lost strand of ruffled hair out of her forehead.
"We've come quite a long way, haven't we?", he suddenly said as if more to himself, a faraway look in his eyes even though his gaze was still resting on her face.
"Well, yes", Brienne agreed, the corner of her mouth curling. "That's...one way to put it." Jaime raised his eyebrows.
"And how would you put it, then?"
He watched how she heaved herself up to a sitting position next to him, shoulder leaned against the headboard.
"Well", she said deliberately slowly, "I would say that until now, usually, you've been rushing into danger, but gladly for you I'd be right behind you, fighting by your side or pulling your stupid ass out of trouble. Whatever might have been needed more frequently", she added casually with a sweet smile that grew even wider when he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"Oh, really?"
"Really."
"What about the times I was the one pulling your ass out of trouble, as you call it?" She innocently shrugged her shoulders.
"Can't remember those."
"What about that time you nearly got eaten by a bear?", he asked challengingly, the amusement shining from his eyes. He loved this side of her, the playful, teasing, carefree Brienne that seemed to be reserved for him alone. He felt the corner of his mouth twitch uninvitedly. "Doesn't ring a bell?"
"Not really."
"Or my absolutely brilliant and day-saving stories about sapphire mines?" She shook her head, unable to hide the grin any longer though.
"Nope." Jaime grinned back.
"Very interesting", he said. "Must be a sort of amnesia." Brienne sighed dismissively.
"Sad for you that it's my word that counts in the end", she detected, watching in satisfaction how his eyebrows shot up.
"Because you're the Evenstar?"
"No", she said with a smile so sweet it seemed almost a little insidious. "I don't need a title to rule you. I'm your wife, after all."
True enough, Jaime thought. No way to argue with that. Or desire.
"My wife", he couldn't help but grin. "I like the sound of that."
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The words rang in her ears, seemed to swell to a single sound until it drowned out the rest of the conversation Jaime and her father were having about the future. Her future. Their future.
She should participate, she should be equally carefree and enthusiastic. She shouldn't flee from it.
"Would you excuse me?", Brienne heard her own voice like someone else speaking from far away, her body moving without any instructions.
Jaime watched how she got up from the table, the chair scratched over the floor and echoed in the sudden silence her hurried announcement had left.
"I'm feeling a bit tired today." She put her napkin next to the plate.
Lord Selwyn cleared his throat. "Well, of course..."
"Thank you."
Jaime looked after her as she left, apparently trying to slow down her pace, and he threw a puzzled glance at her father, whose face displayed an equal amount of bewilderment. He stood up slightly, gesturing that he would better follow her, and his father-in-law gave a nod of assent.
"Brienne?", he asked cautiously as he caught up with her on the stairs leading to the corridor where their chamber was located. "Is everything alright?" She didn't even look at him, kept her eyes strictly on the carpet in front of her.
"Yes, of course." She tried to sound light-hearted. She knew she didn't manage. She knew he wouldn't fall for it. He didn't.
"I have a feeling that something is bothering you."
It was. You'll need an heir, she heard Lord Selwyn's words in her ears. She shook her head, trying to get rid of her father's and Jaime's voice in equal measure.
"Everything's fine." She opened the chamber door and slipping inside in relief, as if it were able to create a wall between her and these questions she didn't want to think about. Of course, it didn't. Jaime was right behind her and with him, he brought what she was trying to escape from.
"Bri, I don't think you're being honest with me", he said as he closed the door with his back, leaning against it for a moment, a hint of reproach in his voice, but mostly concern. She sighed.
"Can't you just...leave it?", she asked a bit too desperately, cursing herself for her lack of self-control. She'd never been good in hiding her feelings. Not from him.
"Please. I said I'm fine, okay? It's nothing", she added calmer, hoping that it would convince him, knowing that it wouldn't. Jaime stayed silent for a second, his gaze locked on her until she had to turn away out of fear he would be able to read the truth in her eyes. She could feel them on her back, burning into her skin.
"Don't lie to me." His voice was calm. So calm that she had to turn around and face him. "I thought you knew that you can tell me everything", he said, still leaned against the door as if to prevent her from leaving. Escaping. "I hoped you would talk to me if something's bothering you, no matter what. If you don't want to, it's okay. I can deal with that. But don't you dare lie to me, Brienne." She opened her mouth, closed it again.
"I'm not-"
"I've had enough of that!", he cut her off, his voice finally growing louder. "I'm a Lannister. If small lies affect us, we won't last past childhood, but that doesn't mean we don't notice them. I learned to ignore my conscience, but it was you who woke it again", he reminded her, pointing at her reproachfully and she felt the familiar sting of guilt poking through the wall of stubbornness that was her self-protection.
Jaime sighed. "So don't pretend. I know you too well."
"I-I..." She stammered, startled by his sudden outburst.
"Y-You're right, I'm sorry."
He could see something flicker in her eyes, like a wall crumbling behind them, and followed her as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Forgive me", he said softly, laying his hand over hers in her lap. "I didn't want to snap at you, I'm just worried about you." Brienne nodded.
"I know, I know."
"And will you tell me?" His eyes were so kind and calm, her mouth opened of its own accord, but before the words could slip from her lips, the thought of all the warmth vanishing from them made her close it again, lips pressed together tightly. Jaime drove his thumb over the back of her hand.
"I don't want to press you", he said soothingly. "But perhaps I can help you."
"I-" She wanted to tell him. She had wanted to speak to him since the matter had first been addressed and every time since whenever he brought it up again.
She wanted. She couldn't. She was scared.
She knew how important it was to him, how much he had always wanted to be a father, how he had suffered because he didn't get the chance. But she was scared. She didn't want to disappoint - herself, her father, him.
It's what I've always wanted too, so why am I still scared?
"I don't know if I'll be a good ruler", she found herself saying instead. It was a thought that was indeed circulating in her head. Not the thought that was upsetting her mostly, though. Not what she had actually needed to say. Jaime didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he did. She couldn't tell.
"That's it?", he asked disbelievingly. "Don't worry about that. You'll be wonderful. And your father will advise you", he added, knowing that it had been a great consolation for her when Lord Selwyn offered to keep being part of the government by taking a seat in her council.
"But I'm not a leader", she countered a bit weakly. Tediously familiar. Pod had said nothing, back then. Jaime did.
"That's not true." She opened her mouth, but he cut her off. "You don't like to be a leader, that's a totally different matter. You don't like it, but you're good at it. I've seen it myself in Winterfell. Actually, you may even be as good because you don't want it", he thought aloud. "Perhaps the ones who are best suited to power are exactly those who have never sought it." His mind wandered to Robert and Joffrey and Cersei. To Ned Stark, Sansa, Tyrion. The ones hungry for power, but unable to make themselves worthy of it, and those that had been forced in their positions because they knew there was no one else more entitled to pursue it.
"And why should anyone follow?"
Because you're you, Jaime thought.
"Because-" He broke off. She wouldn't understand. She had never seen herself as others saw her, as he saw her.
"Listen, I-...", he began, searching for the right words, "I've always-" He trailed off. The thought that had popped up in his head seemed so simple, so perfect, but to her...
"What?", Brienne asked, the wrinkle in her brow somewhere between curiosity and suspicion. "What were you going to say?" Jaime smiled wrily.
"You'll laugh at me." She rose her eyebrows, surprised and now clearly intrigued.
"No, I won't", she promised. "Come on. Out with it." She gave his shoulder a playful shove, watching him as his eyes wandered to her hands in her lap before returning to her face.
"I- I've always...loved your hands", he smiled then. "Did you know that?" She looked puzzled.
"My hands?"
"Yes." He could see how her mouth curled, suppressing a chuckle, and he drove his hand over his face. "You promised you wouldn't laugh."
"I'm not!", she defended herself, pressing her lips together and taking a deep breath. "See? I'm not", she then said calmer, narrowing her eyes questioningly.
"Why?" She looked at her hand, turning it as if she were seeing it properly for the first time.
"Why would you-" Her eyes suddenly widened, darting up to his face and Jaime shook his head with a fond smile. He didn't have to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking.
"No, it's not that", he said truthfully and her features softened. "It's more that...they are safety", he said then, lacking a better expression to put something not quite tangible in words. "I've seen them swollen and scarred and bleeding", he explained slowly, "sometimes even covered in someone else's blood, but I've always trusted them completely. I knew they were capable of violence and murder, but for me, they've always been nothing but protection." He took one of her hands in his, drove his thumb over the rough skin of her fingers. "Right from the beginning, and I've never, I've never trusted...anyone, you know, I never could-", he paused, swallowed, eyes fixed on their joined hands, "King's Landing, there's always been so much...betrayal and lies and...in her world, I just didn't know. And then, it sounds ridiculous, I mean, I didn't know you at all, but I saw those hands and I couldn't help but trust them."
She could do nothing but watch in awe as he played with her fingers, grateful for every second that passed without him expecting her to say anything, lost for words as she felt. But he hadn't finished yet anyway.
"Do you understand what I want to tell you?", he asked, the intensity of his gaze matching the seriousness in his voice. "You're someone that people can put their trust in, someone that people do put their trust in. I have trusted you from the very moment you flung me into that boat, as unrealistic as it might seem - I did. And everyone with the slightest hint of character knowledge is going to put their trust in you, too. If they're wise, they will follow you. And they won't get disappointed. Because that's just who you are."
She looked down at him, so tidy and clean and beautiful and smiling wrily. Then the image flickered. Switched before her inner eye to another Jaime, younger and weaker, naked and dirty and wet. You need trust to have a truce, her own voice filled her ears. The other Jaime stared at the water, sticky strands of hair falling in his face. I trust you.
"I-" She swallowed. "I don't know what to say."
"That's okay", he replied softly. "You don't need to say anything."
"I...I didn't-" She broke off, and Jaime nodded understandingly, believing the sentence to be finished. And maybe it was.
"I know", he smiled, not a hint of approach in his voice. "Of course not. You couldn't. Not back then. And you shouldn't have", he added. "You would have been stupid to trust me."
"Then I have been stupid sooner than you may think."
"Really?" His eyes sparkled with something that made shivers running down her spine. "I never thought of you as a stupid person."
Brienne just smiled.
"Sometimes I don't mind being stupid."
