"Who is that?" If Sarah Jacobs had expected to see anything unusual that morning, it still wouldn't have prepared her for the moment she opened the door to her family's apartment building to find Tay standing at the bottom of the stoop with a slightly older and much taller boy. The two visitors had their backs turned and were seemingly ignoring one another as they watched passers-by on the street.
"Les, go back inside. Tell Mama I'll be back in a few minutes." Sarah instructed her little brother before she stepped carefully down the steps to the sidewalk, alerting the boy to her presence and he wandered off down the street, stationing himself near a lamppost a few yards away. Tay glanced up at Sarah but wasn't able to meet her eyes.
"Good morning," Sarah greeted Tay cheerfully but there was no response. Tay only stuffed her hands further into her pockets and glowered down at the ground. Her appearance had changed little since Sarah had last seen her although she noticed Tay was no longer wearing boy's clothes. The skirt that hung below the threadbare jacket Tay wore had been patched many times over and Sarah didn't recognize it. Tay's whole manner was withdrawn and she was clearly uneasy as she shuffled from one foot to the other.
"Why is he looking at us like that?" Sarah joked with a glance in the boy's direction. The Brooklyn newsie stood in silence, a cigarette clenched between his teeth and a look of pure contempt on his face. Tay didn't even bother lifting her eyes from the sidewalk as she gave a half-hearted shrug. Sarah felt grateful that she'd received even that small response and ran through a list of topics without finding one that she imagined would encourage Tay to come out of her shell. The fact of the matter was that Sarah had no idea why Tay was even in Manhattan or any clue about how to deal with the situation.
"Are you here because of the other night? I didn't mean to upset you—" Sarah started but cut herself off when she saw Tay's lips move but she couldn't quite catch the words. "I'm sorry?"
"He said I have to tell you thank you." The words were forced out and Tay's expression suggested she'd just eaten something extremely sour. She kept her head down and kicked her foot against the stairs in frustration. It was perfectly clear that Tay had been sent on the errand against her own wishes.
"Spot sent you?" Sarah asked and wasn't surprised to see Tay nod once. Other than Spot, Sarah didn't imagine there was another boy who would be able to force Tay into a situation she obviously loathed given the look on her face. Always the peacekeeper, Sarah tried to come up with a solution or idea that would help Tay feel more comfortable although she admitted to herself that she had no idea what made the girl tick.
"Do you want to come inside and warm up? The only ones home are Les and…"
"No," Tay interrupted. Her eyes flicked over to the boy and back to the sidewalk. "I can't."
"Oh, I see," Sarah said hesitantly. The wind was bitingly cold and Sarah wasn't keen on staying out in the elements for much longer but she wanted to know more. Tay appeared to be under the impression that the conversation was at an end and moved to walk away.
"Wait," Sarah said as she reached a hand out and almost immediately realized it was a mistake to do so as Tay jerked away from her touch with a angry look. Sarah wrung her hands together nervously. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
There was a pause as Sarah racked her brain trying to come up with a reason to keep Tay from returning to Brooklyn, at least for a little while.
"Are you hungry? I could…I mean we could find someplace to eat and maybe talk, if you want," Sarah suggested in a hurried voice. "Your friend can come too…"
"He's not my friend," Tay mumbled. She pulled her jacket tighter around her body and glanced over at the newsie that had accompanied her. After a long moment Sarah was momentarily surprised when Tay agreed to her suggestion."Fine, but I ain't paying."
The next difficulty to overcome was where to take Tay as Sarah made the assumption that any place Tay was used to was probably not the kind of establishment Sarah wanted to frequent. Given how Tay was dressed and her attitude, Sarah also dismissed any of the places she may have met with a girlfriend or one of the ladies from the suffragette meetings she'd been (not-so-secretly) attending. Taking Tay to her apartment would have been preferable as it was the place Sarah felt the most comfortable but that idea had already been shot down. Sarah finally decided upon a lunch counter down on the corner which seemed the least objectionable of the choices in that moment.
The name of the place was painted in large letters across the front window and left Sarah with an obscured view of the conversation going on outside between Tay and the Brooklyn newsie who'd clearly been tasked with keeping track of her. The two went back and forth for some time and while the argument never became physical, their body language suggested they were equally unhappy with the situation. The bell jangled noisily above the door when Tay finally entered and Sarah noted Tay had the same way of taking in her surroundings that most of the boys in her acquaintance had. She suspected it came from a lifetime of trying to find the quickest and easiest way out in case a situation went south, as if often did.
Tay didn't bother even looking at the list of specials and Sarah took the chance of ordering for them both as Tay's only response to Sarah's asking if she wanted anything to eat was to continue sitting sullenly staring at the surface of the table. Sarah thought briefly of sending for Race or even Jack but knew that both would just take over the conversation. It would be up to her to get the answers she wanted.
"You know, you don't have to thank me for anything," Sarah began. "I was just trying to help."
"I know what you were trying to do," Tay answered. Her eyes shifted up to Sarah's face and then back down again. "You all do it."
"I don't know what you mean," Sarah admitted. Tay's tone had been accusatory and Sarah wasn't sure how she felt at having her intentions second-guessed. "Are you saying you don't believe I want to help?"
"I guess." Tay shrugged her shoulders and Sarah began to feel more than a little uncomfortable about the situation she'd found herself in. The corner of Tay's mouth turned down in scorn as she shook her head. "There's plenty of girls just like me out there, but you wasn't trying to help any of them. Seems like the only person you got bent outta shape about was me which is too bad 'cause I don't want anyone's help."
"I'm sure you can handle things yourself, but maybe it doesn't have to be that way," Sarah answered kindly.
"How exactly do you think it should be, Jacobs? Should I come crawling to you every time Spot decides he's had enough of me? Or maybe you want to hear all about how he reacts to getting me knocked up 'cause that's a real pretty bedtime story. And what makes you think I need you to help me deal with him, anyway? I know your type, Jacobs. You think I should be sitting around all quiet and nice learning how to sew and cook so I can catch myself a husband, right? I'll let you in on a little secret, I already got someone who has made it his mission to make my life hell. I can handle Spot on my own. You're just like the rest of them, always sticking their noses in where it don't belong because they want to see if all the rumors and stories about him are true. At least Race pretends he's there to see me but he's the only one. I hope you got your money's worth, Jacobs 'cause next time you think about dragging yourself into Brooklyn to concern yourself with Spot Conlon, save yourself the trip and stay home. We don't need your help."
It was the most Sarah had ever heard out of Tay and she was astonished by the vitriol that erupted from the younger girl as she sat there fixing Sarah with a hard stare. Sarah began to understand the truth behind Spot's statement that she had no idea who Tay was as a person. The most incomprehensible part to Sarah was that despite the bitterness and considering what had happened to her, Tay seemed to be intent upon protecting Spot.
"I have to wonder why you agreed to come here if you feel that way," Sarah stated as delicately as possible. "Spot may have sent you on a simple errand but I think you came here for a different reason."
At the mention of Spot's name the scowl faded from Tay's face, allowing Sarah the briefest glimpse of the fear and resignation that hid behind her false bravado, but it was gone again in an instant. Having said her piece, Tay didn't seem inclined to expand upon Sarah's prompting and instead sat spooning sugar into the lukewarm cup of coffee in front of her. Tay's fingernails were bitten down to the quick and her ink stained fingers shook as she picked up the mug. Sarah's eyes were drawn to the leather cord that held the key visibly hanging from around Tay's neck and she felt the question on the tip of her tongue, the same question she had asked Spot that night in Brooklyn.
"It's just a key. All it does is open a damn door. It don't mean nothing," Tay said quietly when she noticed Sarah's interest. "He gave it to me 'cause I've been staying out by the river."
If Tay was lying about the key, Sarah couldn't tell. Life with Jack Kelly and his way of 'improving the truth' had left her doubtful of any newsies ability to stick to the facts but she didn't want to push Tay too hard. She had a feeling there was more to the story but was quickly learning to take things one at a time with Tay.
"How do you manage to stay warm? It must be freezing out there at this time of year."
"You get used to it," Tay shrugged. Sarah wasn't sure which part unnerved her more, the idea of getting used to freezing to death or the getting used to the isolation that must have come staying so far from civilized society.
"Have you ever thought of staying somewhere else? Maybe somewhere that is-" Sarah let her words trail off as she tried to figure out how to word the question. Somewhere warmer, somewhere not so lonely, somewhere Spot couldn't find her? "I could give you the names of some places around here, if you wanted to maybe get away from Brooklyn for awhile…"
"He'll kill me," Tay explained casually as she picked at her plate of food. It was difficult to know whether Tay was actually frightened by the idea or if it was just another item on the laundry list of things she'd obviously learned how to deal with.
"Spot will kill you?" Sarah repeated weakly. She was dumbfounded by the suggestion that Spot would harbor such violent thoughts toward Tay but she remembered the scene David had described after his trip to Brooklyn and it seemed more plausible. The realization slowly dawned on her as she recalled what Racetrack had said previously. Spot would only ever let Tay get so far and Sarah had a feeling every move Tay made was monitored by Spot or orchestrated by him.
Tay didn't seem inclined to expand upon the idea of Spot threatening to kill her as she sat tearing a piece of toast into bits and avoided even looking at Sarah. Things were quickly slipping beyond her control and Sarah understood that if she had felt she was in over her head before, it was nothing compared to how she felt as each tiny piece of Tay's relationship with Spot fell into place. It seemed that every time she gained one small step forward it just pulled her further into the maze.
"I know you have no reason to talk with me and Race told me—"
"About what?"
"—that you have trouble trusting people," Sarah continued cautiously.
"Higgins has a big mouth," Tay scorned. "But he must think pretty highly of you if he let you drag him into Brooklyn after everything that's gone down. Guess he likes you or something."
"He was simply doing me a favor. You aren't the easiest person to find," Sarah smiled, trying to keep the moment light-hearted but Tay's dour expression didn't change in the slightest.
"Why are you so interested in me and Spot anyway?" The question caught Sarah off-guard and she could practically see the hatred radiating off of Tay. "Kelly ain't keeping you busy enough or something?"
"Jack is…he's fine," Sarah stammered. It was not the way she expected the conversation to go but then she should have realized that Tay had clearly learned how to deflect any unwanted attention and that the closer Sarah came to asking about Spot, the more Tay would lash out defensively. In fact, the smirk Tay wore as Sarah talked about Jack would have rivaled Spot's own if he had been there.
"Don't you think it's funny?" Tay asked. "Here you are giving me advice while you're falling all over yourself for someone who would drop you like a hot coal the minute he had some money in his pocket and a ticket to his precious Santa Fe."
"Jack wouldn't…"
"He already did once," Tay pointed out.
"He came back," Sarah answered weakly. She was thrown completely off-guard and began to grow irritated that Tay was able to get under her skin so quickly. She decided a change in subject was in order and admitted, only to herself, that she brought it up as a means of getting Tay back for causing her to question Jack's motives. "As for my asking you here, I thought it might be a way for you to be able to talk about what happened with the baby. I can't imagine how difficult-"
"Then don't," Tay snapped. "It don't concern you, Jacobs. Just 'cause you're a girl don't mean you and I got some kind of connection. I only came here 'cause Spot made me, so don't trouble yourself thinking I want us to be friends or nothing."
Tay's eyes flashed in anger and Sarah regretted bringing up the miscarriage. Whether she was speaking to Spot or to Tay the result seemed to be the same and it was clearly something that neither one was willing to open up about. It occurred to her that Brooklyn was a place full of secrets and she had become a little too used to the way things were in Manhattan with those around her willing to support and guide one another. Tay brought her knees up to her chest and reached down to hold the key tightly in her fist as she kept her eyes down. Her cheeks were still flush with anger but Sarah felt a pull on her heartstrings as she realized how much effort Tay was putting in to maintaining that facade of anger and strength. Her skin was dotted with old scars and bruises which just went to show how much pain, physical and emotional, Tay was trying to keep carefully contained. Sarah instantly felt sorry for having brought up a topic that was clearly so difficult for Tay to deal with.
"I didn't mean to upset you," Sarah told her.
"What do you want from me?" Tay asked quietly. She toyed with the key and kept her eyes on it rather than look at Sarah as she waited for an answer.
"I just think you deserve something better," Sarah admitted. "It doesn't have to be forever but maybe if you stayed here you'd be safe for awhile. Or at least have some time to get back on your feet."
"You sound like Higgins," Tay told her with a frown. She finally brought her eyes level with Sarah. "What would you do if I told you to leave Kelly? Just walk away from all this without saying nothing."
"I'm not saying you just walk away completely," Sarah pointed out but she was flustered by the idea Tay had proposed. She tried to dismiss the thoughts that Tay had stirred up. Of course it would be different with Jack. He'd never laid a hand on her and any little hurt he might have inflicted was child's play compared to what Spot had done to Tay.
"I wasn't kidding, you know. He'll kill me and don't bother telling me I could hide from him. I've tried that," Tay explained. She rolled the sleeve of her dress up, revealing a set of jagged scars along her left arm. The sight both stunned and horrified Sarah. "The last time I tried to hide from him he ripped my life apart. So I decided to pay him back but he found out and stopped me. There is no hiding from him, Jacobs. Not for me anyway but it don't matter much, 'cause I ain't leaving him."
"Don't you think you deserve better?" Sarah asked honestly.
"How many girls out there you think have made it this far? I ain't got a family, no friends, and the only person keeping me from ending up dead in a gutter somewhere is Spot. I already done told you that I can handle him no matter what you or Race or anyone else thinks of it. You ain't gotta worry your pretty little head about me, Jacobs. Just stay outta my life and away from Spot."
Tay set two nickels down on the table and got to her feet without further explanation. The thought occurred to Sarah to protest or try to stop her in some way but she couldn't stomach the thought of wading any deeper into a relationship she clearly had underestimated. It was crystal clear that her assistance was neither welcome nor appreciated and the things Tay had said would give her enough to think about over the next few days and weeks without adding to it.
The whole incident was eerily familiar. A vivid reminder of the same scene from only a few years earlier. The alley, the sound of heavy, labored breathing as a life slipped away, the same look of calm despite the chaos. A heavy silence filled the air as Spot contemplated the scene in front of him and Tay's mind went completely blank.
"Fuck me," Spot murmured. It was the closest to he'd come to praying in years. He sat back on his heels and pushed the lifeless body away from him before he got to his feet. Tay stood not two feet away, still holding the gun she had used down at her side.
"Tay." She recoiled from the sound of his voice and stared down at the body at her feet. He was right, again. Damn him.
"Tay, give me the gun." He began to reach out but stopped himself when she froze. Tay's face was deathly pale and the look of fear and panic in her eyes reminded Spot of the night he'd told her that her brother was dead. Spot moved cautiously as he was unsure of Tay's next move.
"He was going to kill you," Tay said in a small voice as she looked down at the crumpled form laying against the wall.
"Just give me the gun."
Without looking at him, Tay handed the weapon to Spot. He shoved it deep into his pocket and steered her away toward the street. He forced her to keep up as he walked quickly without talking or stopping until they reached the midway point on the bridge. Spot reached into his pocket and with one fluid motion threw the gun out over the edge and into the dark. They didn't stop again until they stepped off the bridge into Brooklyn and Spot chose one of the infrequently used shelters on Fulton Street and led Tay inside. She waited while Spot secured the door before deciding to finally say something.
"I'm sorry," Tay said quietly. She looked down and noticed the bloodstains on her hand. There were more drops of blood speckled down the front of her dress and she began to shiver uncontrollably. She felt a scream trapped somewhere deep inside but her jaw was locked shut and she couldn't even bear to look at Spot as he paced in front of her. He suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her backwards until she hit the wall. Spot clutched at her arms tightly and Tay wasn't even fazed by his brutal grip as it was the only thing holding her upright in that moment.
"Why?" It was a simple question but Tay struggled to answer. There were so many things that had driven her to that fatal decision. She knew most people would assume that it was her grief, her anger over the miscarriage that had driven her to such an extreme. The truth was so much more but it meant admitting that while she believed she could live without the baby, she did not believe she could live without Spot.
"You're hurting me," Tay said softly although it wasn't the slightest bit true. He wasn't hurting her, she couldn't feel anything in that moment except for a terrible, unending emptiness. It hadn't completely hit her yet but she knew it was coming. She remembered that frigid night years ago when she'd watched Spot make the same fatal decision she'd just made. But he'd been able to rise above what he'd done and use it to his advantage. He'd built it up and shaped himself into a legend, unquestioned by anyone and willing to take whatever risks were necessary to keep his position as leader. Tay had never expected to follow in his footsteps and she couldn't spin the circumstances the same way he had. There was going to be a terrible price to pay and she damn well knew it. The darkness pressed down around her and Tay struggled to keep her eyes on Spot as he held her, but his face reflected none of the fear and panic she was feeling. His was a look of calm but his eyes held a light that was as sharp as a piece of glass.
"Let go." The words sounded weak and Tay had given up any idea of trying to break free from Spot's hold. Even as she tried desperately to think of a place she could go, somewhere she could escape, she knew that the only thing she wanted or needed was to have Spot right there beside her. Spot released her rather reluctantly and Tay immediately headed for the door but stopped. She leaned her forehead against the inside of the door and tried to will herself into opening it.
"What do you think is gonna happen, doll?" She flinched at the sound of her nickname and remained silent. "You can't run from this."
"I'm sorry," Tay said again. Her voice was flat and lacked any kind of expression. She didn't know why she even bothered. No amount of apologies could possibly undo anything that had happened that night. Words would do nothing to stem the utter horror she felt as she thought about what she'd just done. The rage and desperation that had driven her for so many weeks had wasted away into nothing but panic and fear.
"You're not sorry," Spot scorned. "If you had any brains in your head you'd know you oughta be more than sorry and if anyone ever finds out, you're gonna be."
"If anyone finds out?" Tay asked in a dull voice.
"I ain't exactly planning on taking out a front page ad but it ain't like we're gonna be able to keep it a secret for long anyway," Spot explained. He lit one of his own cigarettes and handed it to Tay. Her hand shook violently as she held the cigarette down by her side and stared off into the distance. "What the hell were you doing out there?"
"He was going to kill you," Tay answered quietly.
"So you just decided to ignore everything I told you and put your neck on the line for no goddamn reason."
"I had a reason."
"I know what he did to you and I know he deserved it but that wasn't supposed to be your call to make, Anna. You weren't supposed to be there."
"And you were? I already lost enough, Spot. I can't…." Tay's voice broke and she found herself unable to continue. Putting her fear into words had always been difficult. She'd always felt that if she said it out loud, it would end up coming true.
"It would have taken a better man than him, doll."
"Don't do that," Tay said sharply. She turned her eyes toward Spot and felt both grateful and angry that he was able to stand there after everything that had happened as though it was just another day. "You don't know what could have happened."
"But I do know what's going to happen next, doll. You ain't setting one foot outside of Brooklyn and you can forget about running 'cause there ain't no where to hide from this. I tried telling you that you wasn't going down this path but here we are so now there's gonna be a price to pay."
"You plan on keeping me in this lovely prison you've built here forever?"
"What'd you think, Anna? Did you really think you were gonna take a man's life and then just waltz on outta here like nothing happened? You don't like what's about to happen? You shoulda thought of that before you decided to take a man's life. You built this prison yourself the minute you pulled the trigger. And you might as well face it, you're still mine no matter what. Maybe you oughta be a little more grateful for that considering I'm the only thing standing between you and a murder charge."
It would be a long night of tossing and turning while Tay replayed Spot's words over and over in her head. She hadn't meant for any of it to happen. It felt like a nightmare she could never awaken from and while Spot's thought seemed to run in one clear line, hers were a jumbled mess that no amount of time or conversation would ease.
