July 1868

« Saito, can I come in ? »

I let down my brush and answered the vice-commander with a glare in Haruhi's direction who nodded and exited the tent to give us privacy. Hijikata-san entered with his trademark frowned face and crossed his arms before adressing me.

« The imperialists are going to attack Nihonmatsu. The daimyo Niwa Nagakuni asked Aizu for help. We are sending the Denshutai but I fear it won't be enough. I want you to go. »

« Understood » I nodded « How many men do I take ? »

« The Shinsengumi. » he said « all of it. Congratulations, Saito. You are now Taichô of the Shinsengumi. »

A commander title ? For me ?

« Thank you, Fukuchô. » I said, perplexed but honored.

« I'm leaving too. » continued Hijikata-san « I need to meet with the representatives of the nearby clans. I will go to Yonezawa then to Sendai. I still have a month before using my shoulder again according to Yukim... Saito-sensei so I won't be of great help on the battlefield. Shimada Kai is already with the Denshutai with the force I was leading in Utsunomiya. You will meet with him at Nihonmatsu. »

« Understood. » I nodded again.

« About Saito-sensei and Saito-kun... » he started before pausing, lost in thought « just do as you see fit. »

« I will. » I nodded « Fukuchô, permission to wave the Makoto flag ? »

« You are Taichô, Saito. » he said with a faint smile « the Makoto is yours. »

I didn't like the way he was speaking. It was as if he knew that he was going to die on his trip and that we would never meet again. Yet, I didn't have any saying in that matter. I vowed to comply with every orders he could give me and so, I bowed deeply to mark my gratitude.

« I will be going tomorrow and you will too. Tell the men to be prepared. » he ordered « we have no time to waste. Nihonmatsu is a small domain with only three hundred warriors and they had been allies of Aizu and fierced defensors of the Bakufu. They must not fall. »

« Understood. » I said « we will leave at dawn. »

« Good. » he smiled « then I'm leaving you to it. »

« Thank you, Fukuchô. » I bowed and he left as quickly as he had entered.

Without a second thought, I headed out and reunited what remained of the Shinsengumi whose I was now the highest in command. I told them to get ready to leave at dawn for Nihonmatsu and they complied. That were a hundred and six men on all the 1400 we had in the camp but it was better than nothing. I supposed Aizu was also sending some troops.

« Haruhi. » I called « do you know where is Chizuru ? »

« I'm gonna fetch her for you, Taichô. » she bowed.

She went away and I went back in the tent to pack. We didn't have much though since everytime we were going somewhere recently, we were abandoning everything behind. We had no books, no personal effects apart from our weapons and a few change of clothing but that was a good thing. At least, we were traveling light.

Haruhi came back shortly after followed by Chizuru. I could already see in her gaze that she had prepared a twenty point demonstration about her usefulness on a battlefield and how keeping her away was a bad decision not only for me but for the Shinsengumi as it's whole.

« Hajime... » she started but I cut her.

« How are you feeling ? » I asked.

« Good... » she answered, suspicious.

« Can you walk ? »

« Yes. » she nodded firmly.

« Can you still be the Shinsengumi's doctor ? » I asked and I saw her eyes lit.

« I can. » she smiled.

« Good. » I nodded « then you are coming but hear me, as soon as I can decipher that you are too tired to be our doctor or that you are pushing yourself too hard, I'm sending you to Wakamatsu castle. Am I understood ? »

« You can't m... » she tried but I put my finger on her mouth to silence her.

« I am your husband and you owe me obedience. Furthermore, I am now Taichô of the Shinsengumi so you are duty bound to follow my orders. When I will give the order, you will obey. » I said firmly.

« Okay... » she just sighed and I was pleased that she wasn't erupting like I thought she would.

« Take some rest. » I ordered both of them « I already packed everything and we are leaving at dawn. »

They complied and I headed out to check on our warriors's preparation. Our section of the camp was buzzing with activity while the Aizu men were still lively singing or playing cards. I came back to the tent and tried to lie down next to Chizuru and fall asleep but I couldn't. Now that the battlecall that I craved for weeks was upon me, I felt doubt lingering in my mind. I rested my hand on Chizuru's belly, touching the child that was mine. I felt him move under my palm and it drew a smile on my face. I've been able to feel it for a week now, sometimes moving softly, sometimes kicking violently. It was healthy and strong. It was mine. Touching it was like having a hand on the futur. I didn't know how long this war would last and even if I would be there to meet it when it will finally crawl out. Chances are that I would be fighting somewhere or even dead. Was that really what I wanted ? Something was starting to make it's way in my mind, something that was polluting it and making me loose sight of my duty as a warrior. I needed to focus back, otherwise, I would do no good on the battlefield. A commander who wasn't dedicated will and body to his cause, couldn't expect his men to follow him.

I stood back up and put on my shirt and trousers before heading out. Outside, some men were still talking around firecamps and I sent them to their tent, ordering them to rest before our departure.

I exited the camp and found a spot to look at the stars. I sat down in seiza to meditate and find back my warrior's spirit and stayed there several minutes, my mind open and eyes closed. The sound of a foot making a small rock roll caught my attention and I put my hand on my sword, ready but with a feeling of deja-vu.

« Chizuru, if it's you, please go back to bed. » I said.

« No, it's me. » replied Haruhi and I took my hand off my sword and stood up to look at the kid approaching me.

« Same order. Go back to bed. » I said.

« Can I stay with you for a bit ? » she asked and I sighed and nodded. I didn't have the will to send her away.

« Alright. » I said « but when I say it's time, you go back to bed. »

« Understood, Taichô. » she bowed and I smiled faintly.

« You do not need to use my title when we are alone. » I said, sitting back down.

She sat with me and we stayed silent a moment, looking at the summer stars above our head. The night was cloudless and they were shimering like little gems.

« Do you think Souji and Kondou-san and Shin and Sano are up there ? And Koan and Mika too ? » she asked me.

I took a moment to answer. If there was a heaven, did we really earn the right to go there with all the people we killed ? Yet, the child seemed to have so much hope... What was the correct answer to that question ?

« I don't know. » I said eventually, not ready to lie just to make her feel better.

« I think they are. » she said « they lived with honor. »

« Ha. » I nodded.

That was the best I could do, agreeing that they lived an honorable life, true to their beliefs and to the bushido. Haruhi laid back on the forest floor and raised her hand towards the stars, open. She closed it in a fist as if she could capture them in her palm. Was she expecting Souji to come down if she could catch him ?

« Otousan. » she asked again after a few minutes « Will you allow me to fight in Nihonmatsu ? »

« No. » I said without an hesitation « You will not go on the battlefield. »

« Why ? » she asked « I don't fear. »

« I do. » I said.

« You do ? » she said, plunging her saphir eyes widden in surprise in mine « You ? You fear death ? »

« No. » I said, looking up once more « I fear for you and Chizuru. I fear about dragging you with me on the wrong path. Yet, I do not fear death as long as my death is meaningful. »

She thought intensely about what I said, taking the information in. She was always putting a lot of reflexion in everything I could say and so, I didn't understand how she could act so recklessly anyway. It just wasn't compatible, as if her spirit was like « yeah he's right but hey ! Let's do the exact opposite ! ».

« Why can't I fight as a warrior if I don't fear ? » she asked after a while.

« Why do you wish to fight ? » I asked.

« Because I'm a warrior. » she answered without an hesitation.

« I see. » I smiled « but what would you fight for ? »

She paused and thought before serving me a big smile.

« For the Bakufu ! » she said, happy to have found what she thought was the right answer.

« Why does the Bakufu have your loyalty ? » I asked and her smile faded.

She thought again, trapped. She knew nothing of politics or affiliations. Even after she killed, she had that distorted image of war, nothing more than a game for her. She was training so hard but her motivations were hollow.

« Why does it have yours ? » she asked eventually « Souji told me that there was a bounty on your head and that you've been rejected by dojo masters and daimyos. You do not have any official rank in your sword style and you never had been employed as a samurai and even been stripped of your samurai title so you will never get the chance to be employed. Why would you choose to defend that system ? »

« I see... » I smiled « Souji said that. »

She waited for my answer but nothing came and so, her little hand came pulling on my shirt to get me out of my thoughts.

« My loyalty goes to the Shinsengumi and the Aizu clan for everything they ever did for me. » I said « these are both affiliated to the Tokugawa shogunate therefore, I fight for the Bakufu. Plus, I believe in what it means to be a warrior and I want to live my life as such. »

« What does it mean to be a warrior ? » she asked.

« That is an answer you have to find within yourself. » I stated with a small smile.

She stayed silent for minutes, probably looking for the answer but instead, it's another question that passed her lips.

« Was it hard ? » she asked « to be left-handed ? »

« I think Souji already gave you the answer to that question. » I said calmly.

« Yeah, but I want to know from you. »

I looked into her eyes and sighed. I guess it was story-time... Where to start ?

« I've been forced as a kid to use my right hand. I wasn't allowed to eat if I wasn't using it. Sometimes, they would tie my left hand behind my back. I learned and now, I can do all the common tasks like a right-handed. When I first learned how to fight, I wasn't placing my hands properly and both my sensei and my father would land their bokken on my fingers. I bled countless times. Yet, I wasn't inproving until I decided that I would use my left. Then, everything became easier for me but I lost all respect. Do you know what is the other name for a warrior ? »

« Like a Bushi ? A Ronin ? A Roshi ? A Samurai ? » she asked, perplexed.

« Hidarizashi, a left-side. Because of the location in which warriors keep their swords. A bushi always walk on the left side of the street, even if it's narrow. His katana is his soul and it must never be touched by another person. »

« But... you keep your swords on the right so... »

« When I decided that I would live as a left-handed, it became challenging for me to join any dojo and I received neither licence nor Kirikami. Yet, all those who dared comment on it never once defeated me in combat. I am undefeated both in dojo and on the battlefield, despite my left-handness. To me, it isn't a defect. Yet, the rest of the world have a different opinion on that matter. »

« Otousan... » she said after a time « How did you face all the things people said about you not being a real warrior ? »

« I proved them wrong. » I said « you cannot force people to accept your flaws but you can let honor, respect and loyalty rule your life. If you live with discipline then you won't leave room for complains. »

I looked at her, in intense reflexion once more. I knew that all her questions about my left-handness were a way to find weapons to arm herself against all the judgement she would face as a girl. She was ahead of a lot of difficulty if she really decided to follow that path. Yet, the path of the warrior was a solitary one. If chosen, no one could walk it for her.

« Go to bed. » I eventually said « you'll be exhausted tomorrow. »

She nodded, according to her promise and stood up. She bowed and left, getting back to the tent where she could rest before our departure. Lifting my gaze again, I stared at the stars and extended my hand, clenching it in a fist and opened it in front of my eyes, witnessing its emptiness.

What does it mean, to be a warrior ?