With all the scientists running about like chickens with their heads cut off you'd think that they'd pay more mind to the unattended child in their midst. I was inconsequential to them, not even a blip on the radar. Really all things considered it should be insulting but it was more amusing than anything else. That reason being, they have made a terrible terrible mistake. By leaving a very intelligent being with an uncontrollable sense of itchy fingers paired with a healthy dose of klepto behavior, yours truly, unattended they have created a concoction of chaos. Which frankly I don't feel the least bit sorry for them they all deserve it...man I've gone a bit dark I've got to keep an eye on that one.
Now, my main problem with this is...I've only got an extremely vague idea as to how Thor actually went down. Am not ashamed to say I did not watch it as much as the others and the details are quite murkey. Like San Francisco on a typical morning. Really I'm lucky to remember the details I've got, though whether they were in the correct order or not is really anybody's guess by now and truthfully I haven't got the time nor the patience to even attempt involving someone else's help. How did the Doctor ever possibly manage interacting with humans? Humans are idiots.
Phil? Haven't seen him in like forever, so who the hell knows where that prat has gone off to. The treatment so far has been abysmal at best, total on star review if I had to give one if only because you can't give zero stars. I wonder if it would change if I name dropped the previous director has adopted me as a grandaughter? Couldn't hurt actually, I'll keep that one in the cards if one needs it. Then again most of these chumps would probably be like 'Peggy Carter who?' if I were to be honest with myself.
Oh...nevermind I guess I do know where Phil has been. At least these blacked out cars don't have any other abducted children inside as far as I could see. Unless that scientist they lifted this junk off of considered them her children. Not entirely out of the question scientists are some WEIRD folks, and that's saying something coming from me. The fact that Dad has more than once wanted to poke and prod me with a stick is my own scientific theory to confirm that particular hypothesis.
"What's with all the duct tape Phil?" I asked adding in the swagger they all hated, "Did you all just go to a fair and abduct some poor children's arts and crafts projects?" Dig the salt coated knife into the awkward wound.
"No children this time, unless you count a college student." He said, his tone remarkably tart.
"Know what? I actually will, specifically to annoy you. For shame Phil I'm sure your mother has told you that you don't take toys from other children if they aren't yours." Cool, calm and collected Phil Coulson was actually starting to develop a twitch. Is that just a pavlovian response to hearing my voice at this point? Or just me in general?
He took a deep inhale with closed eyes, no doubt counting to ten, "I'm sure my mother will understand that we needed these, 'toys', in order to work our investigation." I picked up one of the pieces, nose wrinkling at the sheer Macgyverieness in my hands while ignoring the outraged sputtering of obscure agent number 932. "Yes, and I'm sure you so nicely gave the scientist a measly check when stealing her entire life's work that would get her up in the same levels as Banner in breakthrough levels."
"Sir- I hate to be impertinent but you can't possibly allow her to touch any of these!" Another obscure agent was now about to have a hissy fit. "You're quite right Agent Omar, please remove the...equipment, from Miss Stark's possession and escort her to another area." Phil had a smug grin, but it faltered seeing the cold expression lining my face.
"Touch me, I dare you. I've been polite thus far, but do something I really don't like and I will make your life a living hellscape." At this point in the day the sheer level of over it did not even begin to describe how I felt in this moment.
They dared, mistake number two has been made. What they did not know was mistake number three would come quite soon enough.
Phil couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding shiver down his spine.
I.F.I.F.I.F.I.F
"Pep wait!" Tony was quick to pick up that something was very wrong with the office, it was empty. "Where is Anika?" Pepper frowned and was clearly biting back another scathing retort. "Pepper, her watch says she is supposed to be right," he pointed over towards the beanbag off in the corner, "there."
"She was in the mansion, recovering after being hit with the shrapnel caused by your temper tantrum." Her annoyance showed she hadn't processed what exactly he meant. So he knelt next to the glorified pillow and lifted what remained of his daughter's watch. Now Pepper gasped recognizing the mangled technology for what it was. "Tony, where the HELL is Anika?"
"That's exactly what I would like to know," his voice was hard as he glared at the agent behind Pepper, again reminded that once again he should have just listened to his kid and her scary astute observations.
"I'm going to call the police." Pepper's spine slammed straight as she charged from the office. Her absence left him free to turn to Romanoff with a barely concealed rage. "Where, is my daughter?" His tone was soft, deceptively so, knowing his temper was about to snap.
"Safe." Was all that she said, but he cut in with a cold laugh.
"No, see, no no no no no we are not going to do the whole 'I am the enigmatic spy working for the government so I don't give actual answers' thing. My daughter is missing, and see I am being very calm," now his fingers were itching to be in his suit, "very very calm. Because it doesn't take that much of a jump to realize it was you who removed this from her before taking her to a secondary location." He lifted the watch with an angry shake. "See I knew it was off her arm, being kidnapped kind of made me paranoid of it happening again. I get all kinds of interesting information from this. Including her vitals right along with her location."
"Seems a bit like you are too controlling over your kid." She mused.
"My kid was kidnapped at seven, excuse me for wanting to be sure I'd have a way of preventing that in the future." Romanoff's expression was impossible to read, it was nothing like what he would have expected but he was on a roll. "I knew I should have listened to her, she's a genius just like her dear old Dad, she caught onto you from the second you walked in the door did you know that? And I just brushed her off because I was more worried about dying." He scoffed now staring at that stupid overgrown pillow that she loves to sit in.
"Then survive, if you want to see your kid again I suggest figuring out a solution." Her heels clacked at a different pitch than Pepper's as she strutted out of the office, papers in hand, but his attention was drawn to the display his father made so long ago propped up against the wall. Instantly Anika's voice was in his head; the weirdest thing she said when she saw his Dad's reel for the Stark Expo, besides mumbling about Walt Disney and Epcot, 'The solution lies buried in the display.' Furrowing his brows, he hoped his kid was right. He certainly got a feeling from the board, hers only backed it up.
Okay kid, he thought to himself, hang on tight. I'm trusting your call on this then I'm coming to get you.
I.F.I.F.I.F.I.F.I.F.
Why does no one believe me when I say that they would regret doing a, b, c, or d? Like do they just enjoy calling my bluff? Is that the case? I would hate for them to just assume that just because I am a- have the body of a kid...that I am not dangerous. That is just incredibly unwise especially because there are some aliens that can take whatever form they so choose and a child might just be one of them.
Like for instance! The idiots locked me in the supply room. Now I say "locked" but the window doesn't even have a lock and if I stack boxes I'm tall enough to climb out. Made sure of it actually before acting through on this legally insane adventure. After all, I'm not suicidal, and not figuring out your escape routes is blowing shit up no-nos numero uno. Did you guess what I could have possibly gotten my grubby little paws on being in the supply room yet? Chemicals, loads and loads of chemicals.
Now these are the boring ones with labels and such because OSHA would have any employers head on a pike, even top secret government agencies, for not following the most basic of safety protocols. And they were all in their original containers! Cleaning supplies, I have been left with the crown jewels of destruction. After all enough dumb dumbs in the regular world accidentally create chlorine gas just trying to clean their toilets when they don't even know what they're doing. Imagine me, with my oodles and oodles of brain juice facts and oodles and oodles of boomie supplies. It's going to be a good time up in here.
They were like people in a pandemic, Shield, basically stocked up to the teeth in things that they couldn't possibly need so much of in one place. Seriously this base probably has what amounts to only porta potties WHY would they need twenty bottles of drain blockage cleaner solution? Like the bleach I could get more behind, but drain cleaner? Oh well, one man's trash eh?
See thing is, if one is really not careful you can make your sink explode with drain cleaner. It's why you should be careful to always use the same brand whenever needing to use it. Otherwise the chemicals mix, reactions occur, boom, ya get the picture? Also, we don't need any Trashcan Man impersonators from the Stand deciding to mad scientist their way to kaboom town. I'm just an asshole who is fed up with having been kidnapped. But if you are kidnapped and decide to pull this trick to escape then hey cheers mate.
Mixing my lovely lovely kaboomey potions wasn't nearly as fun as the chaos afterwards would be, chemicals hurt boys n' girls. Burn your eyes, nose, and throat like nobody's business. Course there are some dry goods in this supply area, almost in a pantry like sense. There being in this dry goods area one pile of boxes that well deserved the multiple bombs that were placed atop of it.
Escape? Easy, in fact with time to spare. Enough that I really wish I had popcorn truth be told. The sight was just one meant to be watched in awe, agents running about, higher ups trying to regain order, the chaos was hilarious. Finally, Phil found me sitting atop one of the Jeeps just watching the smoke and panic clear. "Did you enjoy my present?"
He pointed with a determined air, voice filled with conviction. "You, are a goddamn terrorist."
"Hardly think so, psychotic arsonist I'll give you that one but a terrorist doesn't quite fit the bill Phil."
"You created a chemical weapon!" Ooh I might have actually managed to make him mad, didn't think that was was possible if one isn't Dad.
"I followed through, I told you that you would regret it." My ankles were crossed with my legs stretched out in front of me, leaning back on my elbows showed the perfect picture of nonchalance. He had no words, couldn't even find anything to describe the sheer amount of incredulous fury he was showing on his face. So instead he turned and started to storm away right up until I called his name again. "Phil? What about the crates?"
He stopped and turned, no doubt in my mind that he was internally weeping, "What about them Stark."
I tilted my head to the side in the universal gesture of innocence, "Were they all blown up?"
"Yes, why?"
Now this time I smirked, it was evil, straight out of the pits of hell, "Because fuck Fig Newtons."
He stormed off barely keeping his reaction in check; I hope we won't have to pay for his therapy bill who knows how large that will be by the time he is through with the lot of us.
A/N
Hello hello! Long time no see eh? Righto, as some of y'all know I had an exam and now I have to wait like another ooh...two to three weeks to get the results? Ish? Basically I'm going to be subtly going insane as I wait. ALSO! I have been working on a little something something. It isn't going to be posted (not for a WHILE) but, it should hopefully be as funny as this. If anything it should interest those readers of mine who also enjoy Doctor who, I'll let y'all know how that puppy is coming cause this one the main plot is like three years in the making. Ta-ta for now!
