A/N: Well, look at how far we've come. With the posting of this chapter, Needs, Wants, Desires and Dreams will officially be my longest, most reviewed and most viewed story on this site. Thank you to all of the new people who have chosen to follow and/or favorite this story over the past few days; it truly means so much that you are invested in these characters just as much as I am.

Thank you for allowing me to honor them through this story and thank you for trusting me with characters you all love.

*This chapter has only gone through a basic edit. A more detailed edit will come over the next few days.*


After receiving three calls in three days from an overly panicked and hyperventilating Emily, Hanna Rivers cancelled every plan she had the weekend before Valentine's Day to take the train from New York back to Philadelphia to be with her grieving friend. She knew not to call Alison because contrary to everyone else's belief that since high school she had turned over a new leaf, Hanna knew that the one person she would never second guess to protect with everything she had was Emily. One call to Alison would be like calling the National Guard if Alison really thought her wife was potentially hurting. Especially if the cause of that hurt was Maya. If Alison and Maya's last volatile interaction in high school was any indication, Hanna needed to keep any and all news of Emily's grief hidden. So even though it was risky, Hanna called the only other person she knew would keep a secret if she thought it was in their best interest.

Swinging her miniature black backpack off her right shoulder and onto the table in front of her, Hanna sighed sliding into her seat, "Have you seen her yet?"

"No. I called her this morning though to coerce her out of bed, so she'll get here eventually." Spencer replied flatly, "I hope you know that I don't like this. I don't like this at all."

"Look, I'm sorry for getting you involved, but I had no idea what to do from 100 miles away. I needed someone here that I could count on to watch over her, but also not preemptively go kick Maya's ass."

Spencer wiped her bangs from in front of her right eye as she looked up from her coffee, "Even though I've talked to her, she still won't tell me a damn thing. All that I know is that she and Ali had their first mediation deliberation on Tuesday, and Emily called you hours after that was over sobbing."

"Any word from how that went from Al?" Hanna asked, waving over a waitress to take her coffee order.

"She said well." Spencer shrugged, "They went into recess, but they've worked out every issue so far without much pushback. Even custody."

"No shit."

Spencer laughed, "Some faith you have in our friends!"

"Excuse my disbelief, but Emily giving up a moment with Olivia is astonishing to me."

"You know what? Let them be the bigger people."

"You've got that damn right. We'd be total assholes in a divorce."

"Don't you know it!" Spencer replied, lifting her mug to join Hanna in a cheers. "Oh, here she is… well, barely."

"Yikes."

"I don't want to fucking hear it." Emily muttered, sliding into the booth and grabbing Hanna's coffee without asking.

"The fuck, man?" Hanna scoffed, pulling her coffee from Emily's lips before she could muster a good sip, "Don't come for us when you look like you drank the state of Pennsylvania dry last night."

"You even sober yet, Em?" Spencer and Hanna cackled as Emily pushed her sunglasses further up her nose.

"I'm fine. Ridiculous that both of you are enthusiastically awake and ready to go for the day by 9:30 on a Saturday, though."

"It's ridiculous that as the mother of a seventeen month year old that you're not." Hanna spat back.

"Alison has her. Don't pass your fucking judgment off on me."

Spencer extended her hand between the two of them, "Oh, quit bickering! You two would sit here all day and not even get to the root of the matter. Han, you called us all here today. Why don't you do the honors?"

"Right. Em, we get that you're going through hell right now. And we're here for you through that, but we need to know what support you need. Calling me at all hours of the night to cry without saying any words isn't helping anybody and neither Spencer or I know the half of what's been going on with you and Maya the past month. We need understanding to provide it."

"Totally understand. Why do you think I drank vodka until I didn't think about it last night?" Emily placed her hands over her face to take in a deep breath.

"Well, I don't know if this is where we should start." Spencer interrupted, "But at some point, we need to get to the fact that you no longer have a ring on your finger, Em."

"Yeah, we can start at the fucking end. It doesn't matter anymore." She replied, throwing up her hands.

"Of course it matters, babe." Hanna replied, wrapping her hand around Emily's extended fingers.

"I haven't even said it out loud."

"Okay… that's fine. Do the best you can; we can always work it out."

Emily inhaled, "I just feel like an idiot. I'm total fucking trash."

"Em, we can't get lost in feeling right now. We need facts. Help us out." Spencer wrapped her arm around Emily's shoulders, trying to center her in the moment.

"It doesn't fucking matter, Emily. Just say it." She muttered to herself, causing Hanna and Spencer to share a concerned glare. "Maya and I have been on a break for the past few weeks. But I went over to her place on Sunday and officially gave her the ring back."

"You gave the ring back? How the hell did we get to that place?"

"Christmas kind of fucked it all up. That day, Ali and I had one of the best and one of the worst conversations we've had since she's gotten back. And in our last actual conversation before all of this started going down, Alison asked me 'What makes Maya worth it?' But I didn't have an answer. Which sounds terrible, but in the moment, I was pissed that she even wanted me to try and explain myself. There were and are so many things that I love about Maya… fuck." Emily trailed off, trying to collect her thoughts.

"Was Maya mad about Christmas?"

"Of course, she was fucking mad. Alison degraded her in front of everyone, and I couldn't even form the words to protect her from it. Hell, I took Alison's side. And we argued back and forth all fucking night before finally going to bed. It had been this constant push and pull, but then she said, 'We can figure this out tomorrow. We'll fix this. Come to bed with me?' I thought it was settled. I remember exhaling and trying to get myself to calm down. I kept repeating to myself how great it was to be in a relationship where we could be upset at each other, but then put things behind us for the sake of our relationship. Ali and I can't do that anymore; too much shit has gone down that permanently lingers between us. So I backed down. I know that relationships aren't perfect and never will be. In my head, I figured of course we can get through this; we can find happiness through this. But that night, lying down next to her, even though I tried telling myself over and over again that I was okay, I couldn't completely relax next to her. It's like I could get my brain to convince myself everything was okay, but my body was incapable of lying about it. And if my body was wary, I needed my mind to be, too."

Spencer rubbed Emily's arm up and down as she processed through the breakdown, "I assume your mind caught up?"

Emily nodded. "Things she said just kept feeling out of place, but the more I confronted her about the things she would say about Alison. About my relationship with other people in our orbit. About me in relation to both of those things. The more I realized that she's toxic. And I have no real evidence that she intentionally manipulated me all along, but I think she made me negative and pessimistic and unable to look at this divorce correctly. And so I called my lawyer Monday and completely edited our proposal. I'm going to give Alison whatever she wants. She doesn't need me fucking with her life anymore."

"We'll get back to the divorce in a minute. But if you are the one that broke things fully off, why in the world have you been in shambles every time we've spoken on the phone?" Hanna asked concerned.

"Because of what Maya said to me as I walked out the door. It's not an important phrase really, but it's haunted me."

"What the fuck did she say, Em?" Spencer asked.

Emily groaned, "As I was leaving, I kept repeating what I've told you guys and Alison a million times. All I want to do is move forward. It's why Ali and I separated. It's the reason I signed up for those classes where I met Maya. It's why I even agreed to get engaged. I figured that if I moved away from the pain of everything I've dealt with the past few years, then I would be able to be free from it. So, I told her 'Bye.' A simple, non-aggressive, non-confrontational 'Bye.' We were no longer angry. It was what it was. And then, as I opened her front door, she simply said – "

You can't start over when you're still you.

Even saying it aloud for others caused her shoulders to collapse around her frame. She wanted to make herself smaller. She needed to shield herself from the blows of reality.

"Why did that hurt you so badly?" Spencer asked, pulling Emily into her chest as she took her sunglasses off to make way for the barrage of tears leaving her tear ducts.

"Because I'm the problem. Moving forward was never going to happen because I'm still damaged. And now I'm so much further from being able to move on from it all. I stunted my own ability to grow."

"I understand why you're hurting, Em. But you're always going to be you."

Spencer shushed Hanna from the opposite side of the table, "What she means is that you can only control yourself. If you better yourself, you can start over."

"Yeah… you can always start over. Ignoring your past just wasn't the best way to do it."

"I know. I thought if maybe I didn't acknowledge it, the world would excuse me from the pain of it all."

"You've had a shit few years, Emily, but you have some of the best people I know in the world surrounding you."

"And I fucked that up too."

"Even after the divorce, Alison will always be there for you. You know that."

"Doesn't that make it worse, Spence? Like I've put her through literal hell since she's come home and now that I'm ready to make progress and better myself, she gets to help me through it?"

"She's right, Spencer. That would be kind of fucked."

Spencer groaned, "I appreciate that the three of us are here talking everything out and getting a handle on your past month. But, to use Hanna's words, it's even more fucked that Alison isn't here right now. She should be the one hearing this, not us. She's the one you need to make things right with."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"What if this changes something?"

"Changes something? Hanna, I broke her heart. I don't know what comes next for us. But before I tell her anything about me and Maya, she deserves an apology. I ruined everything and maybe in my apology, she'll be able to see me at the end of all of this again."

"Good luck with that…"


"Okay, ladies, I think that just about wraps up your settlements. Are you both feeling good about everything?"

Two days had passed since her conversation with Spencer and Hanna and internally, Emily could feel her insides churning. She had given Alison what she wanted. She had pursued their divorce with the best of intentions for her wife. So even if she didn't feel great about their divorce nearly being finalized, she knew that at least she was putting Alison first. She was putting her first for the first time in a long time. For Emily, that would have to be enough.

Alison made eye contact with Emily from across the table as they both nodded Kathryn's direction. She extended her left hand out which Emily grabbed with her right to give a light squeeze. They were moving forward just as Emily had wanted. And they were moving forward without bitterness. Olivia would be better off with them happy but apart. That's what really mattered. Even if the woman across from her continuously took her breath away. Even if she knew that trapped between their conjoined hands was the most happiness Alison had ever felt in her life. They had to move forward separately and yet still together. For Alison, that would have to be enough.

"That's excellent, ladies. It's truly been a pleasure working with you both."

"You as well." Emily stood, shaking Kathryn's hand.

"Definitely. What will the next steps be?" Alison asked.

"Well, my office will have to finish drafting everything we discussed today and then we will send the paperwork to both of your respective homes. All we will need from you is to look over the documents for accuracy, then sign and return them back. We will file from there, and then you two will no longer be married in the State of Pennsylvania."

Emily exhaled shakily, "Okay… seems quick."

"It definitely can be! I mean, Mrs. Fields, you truly helped move this process forward more quickly –"

"How so?" Alison interjected as she adjusted her chair back underneath the table.

"The separation agreement could've really been called into question with her engagement. But with that no longer being an issue –"

Emily extended her arms trying to catch the words from Ms. Taylor's mouth before spilling out into the open conference room.

" – oh! Was that not a known…"

"No, Kathryn, it was not." Alison replied, looking down to adjust her dress. She looked at Emily out of the corner of her eye before making her way for the door.

"Emily, I'm so –"

"Don't worry about it!" She called over her shoulder as she jogged toward Alison, hoping to catch her before the elevator bank. "Ali?"

Standing in front of the door, Alison pulled her eyes toward Emily's, tears beginning to build in their corners. Her mouth was dry. Her hands were sweating. Her brain was flooded with drastic thought after drastic thought.

"Alison, wait! Please."

"I'm listening." It was the only words she could get out. It was the only way she knew how to process the fact that Emily was standing in front of her no longer engaged but also so close from no longer being married.

"I wanted to tell you." Emily reached for her hands, trying to hold them between each other. It was the first time Alison had seen Emily's left hand in weeks, and she was in disbelief that there actually was no ring in sight.

"Why did – " Alison's voice cracked as she looking up into Emily's eyes, "Fuck… Emmy, why didn't you tell me?"

"Can we go somewhere else to talk? I mean…" Emily looked to her right to meet the eyes of their lawyers and mediator.

Dominic raised his right hand to point, "The conference room is free?"

"Could we talk there, maybe?" Emily asked sincerely, turning her back to try and pull Alison back the other direction.

Alison's hand fell through Emily's as she stayed stuck in front of the elevator, "What good would that do? What could you possibly say that I haven't heard from you before?" The tears were swelling faster now.

"Please." Emily asked from in front of the door. "You deserve an explanation."

"I know I do…"

Emily stared at her wife's face. Her usually prominent dimples had receded into her cheeks, as Alison stood in front of her trying to hold it together. Her eyes were dropped to her left while Alison tried to figure out whether to step forward or backward. Her hands were clasped together as she wrung them over and over again in distress.

"Ali, we're so close to being done with this. One last conversation. That's all I need."

Alison began walking toward her, "I've tried talking to you over and over again though, Em. And you've never been able to have a conversation. Not an actual one at least." Alison stopped directly in front of the conference room door looking up at Emily, "If I walk in there with you, you have to promise me that you have an answer for every question I've been fucking asking you for the past two months. One, 'I don't know' and I'm gone."

Emily nodded, "I understand. I'll answer whatever you need."

Alison threw open the left door angrily before walking straight for a chair they were just sitting in. "Go."

"Maya and I are no longer together, okay? I wanted you to hear it from me first, but I didn't want it to affect your choice in this. I didn't want you to second guess your decisions."

"But Kathryn knew?"

"Yeah, I had to tell her and Sam. So that there wouldn't be question of whether or not I breached our separation agreement." Emily paced slowly back and forth trying to mull her way through the conversation. "It didn't impact anything in our settlement. I promise. I didn't tell you because I wanted you to know that I respect your decision to move forward with divorcing me. I accept it."

"Are you okay?" Alison asked quietly from her chair. Her eyes still were grounded into the floor.

"I will be. Maya and I breaking up had nothing to do with this. It was bound to happen regardless of the divorce. It doesn't change anything."

Alison laughed, "It does make me feel a little better if I'm being honest."

Emily stepped forward to take the seat to Alison's right at the head of the table, "I'm sure it does, Al. You definitely made your feelings known every step of the way."

Alison shrugged. "I'm still confused though. If you breaking up had no impact on anything we discussed here today, why didn't you reach out? You know that I'd be there for you if you needed me."

"I also know that you would've kicked Maya ass if I called you crying about it." Alison raised her head attempting to interrupt, "Oh, don't even try to argue with that. I know you better than anyone else."

"You do… That's why this sucks."

"It does for sure." Silence fell between them. "I'm going to keep talking now. And if you want me to stop just interrupt. The only thing that I can hope for from you is understanding. But with all of the hell I've put you through, I know not even that is guaranteed."

Emily dropped her head, wiping her hands against her legs. "But babe, I'm so sorry. For all of this. I had this idea in my head that somehow I'd be able to get through this life without you next to me. That I needed to forget the woman who made me who I am in order to get over all of the trauma that exists between us. I hurt you so many times in so many ways. I betrayed your trust. I ruined our relationship. I broke our vows. And it wasn't worth it. It will never have been worth it, okay?"

Alison looked up to meet Emily's eyes staring straight back at her, "I want you to know that, Alison. You didn't deserve to be treated like second best, especially when you are the only person that has ever made me feel whole on Earth. I fucked up, and I pushed you away. I was selfish and inconsiderate and juvenile and idiotic. And I will spend the rest of my life knowing that I am the one that lost you. I am the one who was undeserving of you. Because you deserve someone who would never drag you through what I have. I hope you know how sorry I am for putting you through even an ounce of pain. I hope that someday you can forgive me for it, but I am so happy that we are going to able to raise Livvy without so much disdain standing between us. That's all. I'm sorry."

"Em?"

It was the way Alison said it that knocked the breath out of Emily. It sounded hopeful. It sounded exactly like how Alison used to wake her up on Saturday mornings when breakfast was ready, and she couldn't wait to start the day next to her wife. It sounded as clear as the day they got married; the pause between her name and I do. It felt as powerful as when she Alison pulled each other in for their first kiss. Emily had put Alison first and for the first time in a long time, and when Alison said her name, Emily could finally feel the difference.

"I have forgiven you already."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't have been able to make it through these proceedings without forgiving you for destroying every part of us." Alison's voice turned cold in an instant.

"Al – "

"No. Listen to me, Emily. I forgive you. I forgive you for falling in love. I forgive you for getting engaged. I forgive you for not telling me. Hell, I forgive you for fucking her in our home. I forgive you for putting her before myself and Olivia time and time again. But I also hate you for it." Her voice cracked as one tear escaped her left eye. She brushed it away harshly before continuing, "That you thought for even one second that you couldn't come to me and try to work it out. That you couldn't tell me before I walked through our front door to look like a fucking idiot in front of everyone we know. You embarrassed me. You embarrassed our family. You made a mockery of our vows. Our love. My love for you. I forgive you. I will forgive you from now until my dying day…"

"But… there's another but, isn't there?"

Alison nodded, "But we're still sitting here in a lawyer's office finalizing a divorce. And we're here because I had to make the fucking choice, Emily. You paraded your love in front of me for weeks. You used the word divorce in front of me as if it was your new 'I love you.'" She stopped again to wipe more tears from her eyes, "Even with all of that though, you couldn't take the next step. You made me do it! Because you didn't have the gall to break my heart one last time. You ripped it out of my chest. You threw it on the ground. You stomped all fucking over it. But you couldn't just end it."

Her voice cracked again as she broke into full sobs. Emily attempted to reach her hand forward to place it on Alison's leg, but she ripped her body away from her touch.

"You never could just end it. So fucking infuriating that we're here because of you, but I'm the one who threw the last punch. Do you know how cowardly you have to be to torture someone for weeks, but then refuse to put them out of their misery? Sorry…" Alison gulped before continuing. "Thank you for coming around. I'm so happy that you aren't going to subject our daughter to that bitch ever again. And I'm so happy that I can finally see happiness behind your eyes again, Emily. Truly. I forgive you and I accept your apology."

Alison stood up, collecting her purse as she walked to the door, "But hear me when I say this…. your apology doesn't change one fucking thing."


A/N: Ahhh! I love this chapter so fucking much. I hope you guys do too. Shit's getting real as hell, and Alison has no time for it. Haha.

I'm headed out to an event tonight, but I can't wait to see your response to this chapter. Thanks again for all the support.

Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.

Until next time,

secretpen28