Author's Note: Hey, lovely readers! I've got some stuff coming up, so I'm going to update a chapter a day. God willing, the last chapter and epilogue should be posted a week from this coming Saturday. Rough waters are ahead, but I promise, it'll be worth in the end. Thank you for your comments and for reading this little fic that has been living in my head for a long while. Enjoy and stay safe!
Chapter 21
Marian's Bane
Two years went by swiftly while Marian continued her long apprenticeship with Gaius. Following the older man around the castle and the city, she continued to learn about ailments and treatments used in this period of history. She excelled at the healing arts, though there were many times that she just wished she had a pharmacy around the corner so she could pick up some aspirin or cough syrup, the easy solutions. Instead, she and Gaius often concocted potions to treat various conditions.
The tediousness of the task, however, was often punctuated by moments of terror or stress that made whole days pass in the blink of an eye. The past six weeks were no exception. Gwaine led a group of knights north to Ismere and seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth. Arthur sent Elyan to search for any trace of them, but he found none.
Desperate to find his men, Arthur set out for Ismere himself, taking his knights and Merlin with him. Marian had volunteered to go, but Arthur wouldn't budge. It was too dangerous with Saxons roaming the countryside. She allowed herself a brief, but bitter laugh as she thought about how the one person who could convince Arthur to let her go was the man they were setting out to rescue.
It had only been a week after they had left to rescue Gwaine when Marian saw knights returning in the stone courtyard. She dropped what she was doing and ran out to greet them. She searched through the sea of red cloaks for Gwaine, with no luck. Elyan and Leon dismounted their horses, and as they approached her, they shared a grave look. Leon ran quickly past Marian, to report to Queen Guinevere. Elyan, however, stopped in front of her and laid a hand on her shoulder, smiling sadly.
Marian prepared herself for the worst. "Gwaine?" she asked him, her voice wavering.
"There was no sign of Gwaine or Percival," he told her.
Marian closed her eyes, pushing tears down her cheeks. She swallowed hard. "Arthur and Merlin?"
"We were attacked as we were leaving Annis's kingdom. We lost sight of the king and Merlin. I'm so sorry, Marian," he consoled. Elyan was well aware of how close Marian was to both Gwaine and Merlin. He felt badly for her, having to hear that those she loved most were lost.
She nodded through her tears. "And when do we set out to find them?" she asked.
"I—I don't think we are," he replied.
"What?" Marian yelled. She didn't wait for him to answer; instead, she ran back into the castle, Elyan following.
Marian burst through the throne room door just as Leon finished telling the queen what had happened.
"We need to leave soon, my lady," she said as she approached Gwen.
"Marian, I fear we cannot," the queen replied.
Marian shook her head frantically. "We have to, Gwen! We can't leave them to Morgana and the Saxons!"
Gwen looked to Gaius for help. She knew all too well how volatile her friend's temper could be when it came to Gwaine. They had all been stepping on eggshells around her for the past month.
"Marian, more men will die," Gaius tried to reason with her.
"Then I'll go. What's my life to theirs? Please, my lady, let me find him." When the queen lowered her head but didn't answer, Marian lost her cool. "How can you be so cold? Your husband is out there!" she yelled.
"Marian, calm yourself," Gaius warned.
"No, Gaius. Not this time," she said to the physician. She turned to Gwen. "You have the power to find him, Gwen. You have a husband, and he needs us! I can't be with… Gwaine's lost… I never told him… I love… He doesn't even know!" Marian was starting to hyperventilate.
Gwen looked to her brother. Understanding what she was saying with one look, Elyan went to Marian's side and led her out of the throne room.
"Gaius," Gwen started, "give her something to calm down, please. I don't want to lock her up to keep her from running after them, but I will if I have to."
"I understand, my lady," Gaius said as he, too, left the throne room.
When he reached his chambers, he could hear Marian yelling from out in the corridor. He opened the door and saw her pacing, arguing with Elyan.
"Marian, it's too dangerous," the knight tried to reason with her. "I understand how you feel, but you'll be no good to Gwaine if you get yourself killed."
"If Gwen won't take action, who will, Elyan? I won't stop until they're safe in Camelot! I can't live… I won't live without him!" the healer yelled.
Elyan sighed. He understood how much she loved him. But even the knights couldn't go after them without formulating a plan first. Time was short, he knew, but it wouldn't do any good to rush into a rescue. When he saw the physician enter, Elyan looked to him for help.
Gaius calmly walked over to his potion cupboard and selected a sedative. He approached Marian and held it out for her.
"Here, take this. It will alleviate some of your distress," he told her.
Without a thought, Marian took the bottle and downed the potion in one go. As she handed the bottle back to Gaius, she felt a heavy calm go over her. She felt sleepy, too sleepy, and she looked at Gaius, surprised.
"Oh, you bastard…" she said before her eyes rolled back into her head as she started to fall.
"Elyan!" Gaius yelled. The young knight rushed over and caught her before she hit the ground. "Thank you," Gaius said. "Now, if you could take her to her chamber, we'll go see the queen and get to work on a plan to find Arthur."
Elyan nodded to the physician and lifted Marian into his arms.
000
The next week went by at a snail's pace. Fearful that she would run off to find Camelot's missing king and knights, Gwen had ordered a guard to be posted at Marian's door. She wouldn't be able to go anywhere in the castle without a guard following her. Agitated that she was also banned from the throne room and council chamber, Marian spent most of her time either in her own chamber or with the court physician. Though she had forgiven Gaius for sedating her, she wasn't ready to speak to him other than the niceties required to do her work.
She felt utterly useless. As she lay in her bed that night, wishing sleep to finally come, she thought of her friends. It had been her self-appointed duty to make sure Merlin and Arthur were kept safe, and she had failed. What would be Albion's fate if either man died now? She shuddered to think of how the future might be affected much less her own heart.
Her thoughts soon turned to Gwaine. It had been so long since she had seen him that her heart ached. She had been slowly opening herself back up to him after their exploits in Morgana's fortress two years ago. Gwaine had been bewitched and had tortured and abused Marian. Even two years later, she suffered from nightmares about it.
Sadly, this had also affected their relationship. Before the incident, Gwaine was working his way into her heart. All of that changed after they had escaped Morgana. Marian was back to being cautious around him.
Gwaine was still optimistic that they would be together, though. They still found each other hard to resist, sharing stolen kisses and longing looks, and he believed that Marian's love was something he was willing to wait for.
For her part, Marian loved Gwaine more than ever, but she wouldn't allow herself to show it. Not only was her love for him dangerous, since Morgana had found that she could use it against them, but it was foolish. Marian was still wary of being sent back to her own time, leaving Gwaine to think God knows what about her disappearance. She spent many nights trying to find a way around it, even contemplating telling him the whole truth about her magic and where she was from. But each scenario that played out in her mind only ended in despair for one or both of them.
Marian had finally drifted off to sleep when voices and footsteps going past her door had awoken her. She turned on her side, desperate to fall back to her slumber. Only when more footsteps ran past her door did she sit up in bed. It had sounded like they were headed to Gaius.
She went to her door and opened it, revealing her ever-present guard. "What's going on, Ethan?" she asked.
"The king has returned!" he said joyously. "He and an injured knight just went to see Gaius to—" he didn't get to finish.
Marian pushed past the guard and ran down the corridor, dressed only in her sleeveless nightdress, ignoring the cold.
"Wait, Marian, you don't even have shoes on!" the guard called after her.
000
The door to the physician's chambers burst open with a bang. Gaius, Arthur, and Merlin turned from where they were gathered and regarded the woman in the door. Marian was standing there, her eyes as wild as her hair.
Her guard quickly caught up. "Sorry, sire. She got away from me," he addressed the king.
Arthur smiled at the young man. "That's alright, Ethan. You can go." He looked at Marian curiously. "You have a guard now? What did you do?"
Unable to take any more suspense, Marian ignored his question. "Nevermind that! Did you find…" she trailed off when Gaius moved to the side to reveal Gwaine sitting on a bench. He had his tunic off, and his ribs had been bound in tight bandages. He looked worse for wear but smiled brightly anyway.
"Hello, beautiful," he greeted her as he carefully stood.
Without a word, Marian rushed over to Gwaine and jumped into his arms. "Oof!" he called out in pain. She was holding him tighter than he thought he had ever been held before, but he certainly didn't mind. Gwaine smiled at the others over her shoulder.
"This might be a while, sire," he said, grinning from ear to ear.
Arthur laughed. "Of course." He turned to Merlin and Gaius, "I have a few other men that might need medical attention, Gaius. Would you mind?"
"Not at all, sire. Please," Gaius gestured for Arthur to lead the way.
When they reached the corridor, Arthur noticed that Merlin hadn't followed. "Merlin!" he yelled.
Startled by Arthur, Merlin looked to Gwaine. "I'll just…" he trailed off as he pointed to the door behind him. Gwaine laughed and nodded as best he could before Merlin turned and left the two of them alone.
"Sorry," Marian said softly as she released the injured knight from her firm grasp. "I missed you."
Gwaine held her face in his hands, his thumbs caressing her. I love you. "I missed you too," he smiled at her.
Marian needed to make sure that he was really there and was in one piece. She ran her hands over his face and neck, noticing his many cuts and bruises. She checked his arms and his chest for injury. When she reached the bandage wrapped around his torso, she fingered the fabric shyly.
"Broken ribs?" she asked him, looking up at him with doe-eyes.
Gwaine nodded slowly as he watched her closely.
"Anything else?" she asked, sliding her hands up his chest and to his bare shoulders. She felt his collar bone and satisfied nothing was broken, she moved her hands back up his neck and to the back of his head, running her fingers through his hair.
"Nothing else," he replied breathlessly. He rubbed his hands slowly up and down her bare arms, causing her skin to tingle.
Gwaine leaned his head down to hers, brushing the end of her nose with his. He moved his hands to her back and pulled her closer. His lips barely touched her own before he pulled back slightly to look at her. Her eyes were dark with lust and need. His heart quickened its pace as he realized that Marian desired him as much as he wanted her. He leaned in and captured her mouth with his.
Their kiss was passionate and longing. Gwaine reached up and cupping the back of her head, he wound his fingers through her soft hair, caressing the nape of her neck.
Marian moaned into his mouth at the intensity of his kiss. She reached behind him and clung onto his naked back, careful not to hurt him further.
Gwaine took this as an invitation. He couldn't help himself as he ran his hands all over her, touching as much of her as he could. He had missed her, had been afraid he'd never see her again. Holding onto her backside and squeezing, he pulled her so close to his body that she had to lean back slightly just to keep her balance. Gwaine moved from her mouth and down her neck, nibbling along the way.
"Oh, God, Gwaine…" Marian moaned.
Gwaine turned them around, pushing her against the table. He lifted her up on the tabletop and thrust himself between her knees. Finding the hem of her nightdress, he worked it up her leg, reveling in her smooth skin. His hands spread across the bottom of her bare thighs, and he pulled her closer. As he pressed against her thighs, he leaned her back, kissing down to her breasts.
Marian moaned his name as she arched her back, pushing her bosom closer to him. He kissed her breasts through the thin fabric of her nightdress, his tongue finding the hard nipples beneath the cloth as Marian threw her head back, moaning in pleasure.
With the hem of her nightdress pushed up to an immodest level, Marian wrapped her legs around Gwaine's waist, holding him to her. His hands found their way back to her bare hips, brushing his calloused fingers across her skin. He pulled her forward to the edge of the table.
Marian reached down to the front of his trousers and grabbing hold of his waistband, she pulled him up against her. She couldn't touch enough of him. Her need and her desire grew as she held onto his waist, his skin hot against her cool fingers.
Gwaine bent to nibble her ear as he rolled his hips and pressed his arousal against her sex, moaning at the contact. He made his way across her jaw and moved his lips slowly against hers.
Marian reached behind him and squeezed his backside, urging him to roll his hips against her again and again. She moaned when he obliged, pressing hard into her. She rocked her hips against his arousal, stroking him through his trousers.
Gwaine lifted his head from her slightly to look into her eyes. He wanted her, he needed her. The last six weeks had been torture, never knowing how long he would be held prisoner or even if he would be allowed to live. Gwaine believed with his entire being that Marian was the only thing that could make him feel whole and safe again. Silently, he asked her for permission to take her. To make her his and he hers.
In answer, Marian brought Gwaine's face back up to her mouth and kissed him deeply. She sucked in his lower lip and nibbled and caressed him with her tongue. Thrills and shocks coursed through her veins as his arousal continuously pressed against her delicate folds. The roughness of his trousers and the hardness of him were tantalizing. She felt warmth develop between her legs and her belly tensed. If he kept this up, he'd have her crying out in ecstasy before they had even undressed.
"Gwaine…" she moaned into his mouth. She was so lost in the taste and feel of him that her fears and worries melted away. The only thing she cared about was that he was there and he was safe. Nothing could come between them now. She would have him, enjoy him, love him.
"I love you, Marian," Gwaine muttered against her mouth.
Unsure of what she had just heard, Marian pulled away. "What did you say?" she asked him.
Gwaine chuckled. "I said, I love you, Marian."
Marian stopped, her heart pounding. Pulled from her fantasy, all her concerns came flooding back. What was she doing? How could she let it get this far? She scooted back on the table, releasing him from her hold, and pushed the hem of her nightdress back down her legs. Embarrassed, she looked anywhere but Gwaine's face.
"Marian, is something wrong?" he asked, confused.
"We can't do this," she said in a small voice.
"Too fast?" he asked, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it. He was willing to slow down if it meant he could finally be with her.
"No. Yes. I mean, I can't do this, Gwaine," she said sadly, pulling her hand from his grasp. "I can't be with you."
He looked confused. "I don't understand."
"We're friends, aren't we?" she asked him. He nodded slowly. "And we'll always be friends?" she asked, biting her lip.
"Marian, what's this about?" he asked as he backed away.
She closed her eyes and took a breath. This was going to be the most difficult thing she had ever done, especially because she needed to lie and she never lied to Gwaine. Building up her courage, she said the only thing he never wanted to hear.
"I can't love you, Gwaine," she said, voice wavering, and ripping her heart in two.
Misunderstanding, Gwaine smiled tenderly at her and brushed his fingers through her hair. "It's alright. You don't have to say it back. I'm not going to pressure you."
Why did he have to be so damn kind? "No, Gwaine, I can never be with you," she tried again.
Gwaine took a step back, stricken. She sat there with her disheveled nightdress, tousled hair, and red, swollen lips, mocking him. All this time, he had thought that she felt something for him, but it seemed she was merely playing with him. "Never? Has this been a game to you? You'll bed me, but you won't love me? Is that it?" he asked hurt.
Marian shook her head. "No, I…," she wasn't sure how to explain it. How do you tell someone you have feelings for that you can't be with them because you might not be there the next day? How do you explain the future to a knight in love? "I shouldn't have led you on. I'm sorry."
"You told me before that you care for me. Is that still true?" he asked, his expression was unreadable.
"Yes, of course," Marian replied. "I've never cared for anyone as much as I care for you."
"And you just said that you can't love me?" he asked.
She shook her head slowly, a couple of tears escaping.
Gwaine sighed. "Is it can't or don't?" he tried to clarify.
Marian's lip trembled. This was a lot harder than she had imagined. She knew what she needed to say, but, as usual, she couldn't lie to him. She bent her head down, unable to look him in the eye. Gwaine held her face in both hands and stooped down to her eye level.
"Marian?"
She lifted her head and looked at him with wide, tearful eyes. "Can't," she whispered.
"So you do love me?" he asked.
She closed her eyes as she gave him a small nod, tears escaping from beneath her lashes. "I do," she admitted, her voice gruff with emotion.
"But you shouldn't?" he asked her.
She opened her eyes and looked at him sadly. "No, I shouldn't."
"Marian, we've wasted too much time overlooking how we feel, that we belong together," Gwaine said sorrowfully.
"I'm sorry, Gwaine. This is how it has to be," she told him through tears.
Gwaine let go of her face and backed up more. He was hurt.
"Well, I'm sorry too. I guess I should have expected this."
Marian looked taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"You never can let your hair down long enough to relax. You're wound so tight, Marian, that you can't see what's in front of your eyes." His voice was calm, but his face was dangerous. Gwaine picked up his tunic and pulled it over his head.
"Really? And what's in front of me that I can't see?"
"Someone who loves you, Marian," Gwaine said as he rushed forward and held her face firmly between his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheeks. "I'm giving you my heart, sweetheart. I love you more than I've loved anyone, and you've said that you love me. How can you love me and still hurt me?" he implored.
"I…," she hesitated. She wanted to tell him everything, but she clamped her mouth shut. More than her secret was at stake.
Dropping his arms to his side, Gwaine nodded once. "Right," he said shortly. He abruptly turned and walked out of the physician's chambers.
She hopped down from the table and followed him into the corridor. "You're angry?" she asked.
He stopped and faced her with tears swimming in his eyes. "No, sweetheart, I'm hurt. Anger comes later." Gwaine turned and walked away from her.
"Gwaine, we can talk about this! Please!" she called after him, reaching out and grabbing his arm. He shook her off and continued down the corridor.
Marian stared after him, unable to process what had happened. Gwaine was safe. He was alive. He loved her. And she had broken his heart. She turned to her chamber and went inside. Peaceful sleep didn't visit Marian Ragnell that night; instead, she tossed and turned and dreamt of pain and death and men without faces.
000
Marian was tired. She was bone-sore, body-dragging tired. She hadn't slept much the night before; instead, she spent most of the night tossing and turning or crying in her chamber. She never realized that Gwaine's feelings for her were as strong as he'd said. Though in hindsight, she should have. She loved him just as much. He was her best friend and now… she had lost him.
She understood why he was upset with her. She had played a dangerous game for several years, flirting with him while denying her own feelings. With longing, passionate kisses and soft touches, she had let him get too close. She realized that she had led him on. It had been unfair since she knew from the beginning that she had no intention of seeing it through. She just couldn't help falling for him. She didn't blame him for being angry with her. If anyone was to blame, it was her. And that made it all the worse.
She had pulled her weary body from her bed and dressed. She didn't bother to braid her hair or pin it up. She didn't bother checking her reflection in the mirror. Perhaps if she had, she would have seen how utterly tired and depressed she looked. She didn't bother with the niceties when she entered the physician's chambers to start work for the day. She didn't bother with eating breakfast.
Gaius took one look at her and prescribed fresh air and exercise, and then hopefully, she would start to feel better. He asked her to go down to her herb garden and gave her a list of what he needed to be gathered.
Rather than its intended effect, going down to the garden had only made things worse for Marian. The knights were on the training ground not far from her, and she could see Gwaine sparring with the other knights. Though he had been injured, he was like a madman with a sword, each swing dealing a heavy blow. At one point, he had Percival on the ground, beating his sword on the large man's shield mercilessly while he screamed in frustration. Arthur and Leon had to pull him off to allow Percival to stand.
Marian tried to ignore the knights as she picked her chamomile flowers and pulled the rosemary stems from the bush. She gathered aconite and nightshade and a few daisies and lilacs just to brighten the room. She looked at her list and sighed. There was still much more to gather, but she didn't think she could stand to be out there any longer. Marian decided to take what she had to Gaius and come back for the rest later. Hopefully, by then, the knights would have finished on the training ground, and she could gather the rest in peace.
As Marian made her way past the knights to go back to the castle, she saw Gwaine getting into a fight with Elyan. She stopped when she reached the training ground and watched. By that time, Percival was holding Gwaine while Leon held Elyan back.
"What is wrong with you?" Arthur yelled at Gwaine. "Go back up to the castle and cool off. You're dismissed for today," Arthur barked.
Fuming, Gwaine stormed up toward the castle. Marian tried to catch his attention as he passed her, but instead, he bumped into her and kept going, knocking both her and her basket to the ground, dumping out all of the herbs and flowers she had just picked. She sat up, pulling the basket to her, and tried to salvage what she could, tears prickling her eyes.
Leon called after him. "Gwaine! You knocked Marian down!"
Gwaine looked at her but kept going. Marian's heart broke, and she finally let her tears fall. His hatred was so blatant now. She had ruined everything.
Leon ran up to Gwaine and caught him by the arm.
"Did you not hear me? You knocked Marian down." He didn't understand why his friend was so cold to the woman that he fancied.
"She isn't my concern anymore, Leon," Gwaine replied.
Leon tried to make him see sense. "Gwaine? Surely you owe her an apology for bumping her, concern or no? It's Marian."
Gwaine didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Hang Marian!" he yelled at Leon, letting his temper get the better of him. He didn't even care if she heard him.
"Gwaine!" Percival admonished as he approached the pair. He didn't know what was wrong with Gwaine, but he knew he would regret his words. Everyone knew how he felt about the young healer as she was all he would talk about most days.
"Fine," Gwaine said to them.
They weren't going to let up, so rolling his eyes, Gwaine turned to go over to her and apologize. When he saw that she had disappeared, leaving her basket lying on its side, contents everywhere, Gwaine's face fell. He had been deliberately cruel and had hurt her. Part of him wanted to be glad that he had, it was only fair after all. But he couldn't stop the ache in his heart at the thought of her tears.
000
Marian had escaped to her chamber in tears. She locked herself inside and refused to come out, even when Merlin knocked on her door to tell her supper was ready. This was the least that she deserved, she decided. She sat there for most of the evening wallowing in self-pity. She was angry at Gwaine for being so heartless, but more angry at herself for allowing this all to happen in the first place.
As the sun began to set, Marian emerged from her self-imposed exile and went to the physician's chambers. She felt guilty for not bringing Gaius the things he had asked for earlier.
"I'm sorry, Gaius, I didn't get the herbs and plants. I'll go out again tomorrow and get them."
Gaius looked at her softly. "There is no need, Marian. Gwaine brought your basket earlier, with everything on the list in it."
He pointed toward the table, and sure enough, there sat her basket overflowing with herbs and flowers. Even the ones she hadn't been able to get to yet.
Marian covered her face and burst into tears. How can one man be so cruel one minute and so kind the next?
Alarmed, Merlin and Gaius led Marian over to the fire and sat her down in front of it. Gaius sat next to her and put his arm around her in comfort. She spent the next hour telling them what had happened the night before, pouring her heart out to the two people in the world who she could trust not to hurt it.
