Not much to say but hello folks!

Hope everyone is staying healthy and doing well. The human body is resilient, so I have faith we'll get through this.

Also, things get very hectic in this chapter and I try writing more backstory that hasn't really been explained in the show. My apologies if there are holes, I tried to keep it in line with how I've explained it in my story.

Also this chapter might get a little... risque, so to speak.

I feel like the only thing that separates me from every other crackfic is that I don't use memes. I use my one hundred percent home-grown jokes and humor. I'm glad you all find it funny as well!

Enjoy the chapter and see ya at the bottom!


Happy.

Neo was very, very happy.

There was a small Ruby-esque angel on her shoulder that was explaining why it was so bad she was happy right now.

The poor little thing didn't stand a chance when the two twin devil's on her other shoulder covered her mouth and shoved her in a locker.

"Have some more! She like, totally offered," they said in unison before proofing away.

Neo nodded and pushed another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. She had lost count of how many pints she'd gone through, too far in a trance to keep track. Salem lifted her spoon daintily to her lips before taking it in.

"I must say, it is lovely to have someone to enjoy these things with. My minions' tastes are all as bitter and salty as themselves! It's good to know somebody has a head on their shoulders around here though," Salem said as she sat in a large plush chair, adorned with deep reddish-purple upholstering and decorated with what looked to be human bones.

Laying beside her on an equally plush rug was Chew, body splayed out as the ancient woman gently rubbed behind his ears.

Neo nodded along with the woman. Roman had always told her that she ate enough for the both of them. How rude was that!? She worked hard to cut a figure this good! Plus she wasn't going to sit around and take that from a man who took his coffee black! Black! No sugar, no cream, no anything!

When people told Roman he was a bastard, Neo made sure he knew why.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door of what Neo had dubbed "The Vault of Heaven Itself" and the two women and one dog turned towards it.

"Er, your majesty?" Watts called from behind the door, "When do you intend to come out? It's been a day now and we never finished our briefing due to the door exploding."

"In a little bit Watts! I'm getting to know my new family!" Salem hissed. The man could be heard groaning and slapping his hand down his face before trodding off.

Neo raised an eyebrow at the woman. New family? What did she mean by that?

Oh. Right.

She had a thing for her dad.

Neo decided to broach that while she remembered.

Why do you want a family so much? Neo's scroll voiced, the girl looking at the woman. Salem looked over to her and sighed.

"I had my own once upon a time," she said, clearly not seeing any reason to keep secrets.

What were they like?

Salem hummed. While it had been literal generations since she'd seen her family she could remember them perfectly.

Unfortunately, remembering them also meant remembering him.

"I had four beautiful daughters, each gifted and talented in ways that people simply aren't anymore," she recalled, gazing off wistfully. She was referring to their magical prowess which sadly ended with them as well.

The result of a lovers quarrel.

What about their dad? Neo asked, curious as to what went wrong with the woman's family life. Aside from the whole, looking like a Grimm woman thing.

Salem scowled and a fire pit behind her eyes. She grit her teeth and ceased petting Chew, who looked up at her in question. Neo blinked at the rapid shift from nostalgia to rueful remembrance.

"My... husband," she spat the word as though it had killed her family, (little did she know), "made choices that he knew I'd heavily disagree with. When I found out, he tried to take the kids in the night."

Neo pouted. That sounded pretty rude. She didn't remember her early childhood too much, probably a form of trauma or something, but she remembered the feeling of not having anyone. It was a dour existence.

"What of you?" Salem asked, leaning back in her seat, clearly in a mood now that her husband had been brought up, "are you the child of Roman and that witch?"

Ironic for her to call someone else a witch. Neo wisely didn't mention that.

No. I was an orphan. Roman found me one day when I was getting beat up for stealing, she told her, remembering how that week had gone.

/\=/\=/\

She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, which wasn't too fast seeing as she was only about six or seven years old. In her hands was a wallet, not hers but very full, and she needed it for food.

Most would raise an eyebrow at a six year old knowing how to use money for goods and services but in Vacuo you either learned young or died trying.

She rounded a corner into an alley, looking back as the man chased. She turned just in time to run face first into a sedentary dumpster. Her face clanged off the hot metal and she tumbled to the floor.

She lay on the hot Vacuan ground, mostly sand and hard stone which was incredibly hot in the desert sun. She wore the same clothes she had for the last two or three years; a thin shirt with puppy patterns all over it, torn in places and stained in others, and a pair of shorts with a bunch of pockets that she thought for sure we're supposed to be for boys. She'd stolen them from a donation bin, though she didn't realize they were meant for kids like her in the first place.

Around her neck was her collection of necklaces she'd started. Only one of them was actually a real piece of jewelry, the others were mostly plastic beads that she'd picked up off the ground at festivals.

She looked behind herself to the entrance of the long alley way she'd just run in to see a man round the corner. He didn't look nearly as out of breath as she was.

"Didn't your parents ever teach you that stealing is wrong kid?" a gruff voice said behind her. She tried to stand but he kicked her in the side and she fell over again, holding herself.

The man walked over and picked his wallet back up before eying her.

"A kid like you? You'll go for a lot on the market," he said as he walked over and grabbed her by the hair. She hissed as he pulled her up and kicked him in the shins before biting his finger.

He screamed and backhanded her. Him being a fully grown adult and her being a small child, she was sent into one of the walls of the alley and toppled. He growled as he shook his hand, blood flying from his finger.

She had bit him hard and he looked a lot more angry now.

He raised a boot over her head and she closed her eyes as she prepared for the impact. She'd been kicked by other kids before, but she knew a person this big would really hurt.

Only the pain never came.

Only the sound of someone gasping for breath and struggling.

She opened her eyes and saw a man in a white coat with orange hair had his arm locked around the other man's neck. His eyes were green and currently very cold.

"Ya know, it's rude to hit kids that aren't yours," he said, his voice a little nasally and whiney, but still deep.

"Wh-who... a...are—" the man gurgled as he slapped at whatever he could, but due to the man in white being right behind him it was hard for him to find anything.

"Some call me a thief, others call me a 'vagabond' but really I'm just a guy trying to get outta this sandy vagina we call a kingdom," he claimed. A moment later the man slowed, before going still entirely.

He dropped him and the body went limp, splaying across the floor. Neo slowly crawled up before wincing and sitting on the ground.

The man didn't move, his eyes bloodshot and mouth hanging open.

"Bastard got a little blood on my jacket. That is gonna be a pain to get out," the orange haired man grumbled quietly, patting the corpse down before grabbing something. He looked over to her and saw her staring.

"Well hello there you little rugrat! I saw you steal this guy's wallet a few blocks back. Pretty sloppy work, but you're just a kid so I can't blame you," he said, strolling his way over and stopping in front of her.

Now that she could really look at him, she could take in his entire outfit. He wore a long white jacket, strange for someone in Vacuo, and held a cane in his off hand. He wore long brown slacks and had a pair of black boots that looked like they'd done a lot of face stomping. His face was unobstructed but for the sweeping of hair that crossed over one eye. His hands were uncovered and looked somewhat smooth, especially for a person who'd just choked another man to death.

Neo tried to back up but was already against a wall.

"Relax kid, I don't dabble in the same business this guy did. I prefer taking my money from people who deserve it, not selling kids and women to the highest bidder," he said as he crouched down on his heels.

She looked at him in awe. He wasn't going to hit her? And he wasn't calling her dirty or being mean?

Off in the distance there was a commotion.

"I think I saw him run down that alley!"

"That thief better be ready for a serious beating!"

The man sighed and looked down the other end of the alleyway before looking back at her with a smirk.

"Say kid, I gotta go and while you don't seem to say much I don't like taking chances with witnesses, and that's probably the cops," he said as he stretched.

She immediately felt that fear again. Did that mean he'd kill her too? But he'd said he preferred stealing! She was about to start crying when she gasped and felt herself leave the ground.

"You're coming with me kid. I'll figure out how to buy your silence after we get outta here," he said as he scooped her into his arms and ran further down the alley.

He rounded the corner and slowed to a speed walk, ducking and weaving through crowds.

She curled up as he brushed past people, keeping his head down as he mumbled to himself.

"Times like this I wish I had a way to cover my face..."

She heard him and looked up. He was keeping his face away from other people, looking away when they turned in his direction.

She looked past him and saw a man walking their way. He was dressed formally, probably a tourist from Atlas, and had a black bowler hat on his head. He was looking down at his scroll, unfocused on the world around him.

As they quickly passed by, Neo reached out from the orange haired man's arms and grabbed the hat right off the tourists head.

"Bwah!?" the man looked up and around, confused, but they had already slipped away, never to be seen by the man again.

The orange haired man didn't even notice, but blinked and stopped for a moment when Neo placed the hat on his head.

"Kid. Did you just steal someone else's hat and put it on me?" he asked, looking down at her.

She put her hands over her face in a peekaboo manner, before uncovering them and pointing to him. He looked up and into a nearby shop window.

He had to admit, not only did this cover his face from any onlookers, but it also went really well with the new white jacket he'd stolen! He didn't even look like the police rendition anymore! Maybe he'd get a pair of gloves to finish the look.

"Hmph. Not bad, kid," he smirked down to her and she smiled tentatively.

"He went this way I think!" the officers from before yelled as they ran past the two. Roman didn't even have to look down this time! They just passed him by!

"Well then. I think that this is a good time for me to decide what to do with you," he said as he slowly put her down.

She stood, wobbled a little but stayed standing when he took his hands off her. She looked up at him as he closed his eyes in thought.

"You got a name kid?" he asked.

She nodded.

They stood in silence for thirty seconds.

"...And that would be?" he gestured for her to go on with his hand. She opened her mouth.

Nothing came out.

"Are you mute or something?" he asked, leaning on his cane.

She nodded again. He sighed.

"Course you are," he said. He stood up straight and clapped his hands.

"Here," he crouched down and picked up a small stone before handing it to her, "write your name in the sand here."

She looked at the stone and then back up at him. She blinked twice and tilted her head at him.

"You don't know how to read or write do you?" he deadpanned. She nodded again. He groaned.

"Okaaay, how about this," he reached forward slowly, waiting for her to nod before he grabbed one of the necklaces around her neck. There were three or four, a testament to her necklace collecting skills.

He finally found one that stood out from the others. For one, it was nicer. Not plastic or a bear necklace. It also had a small plate with words on it.

"Neo... Politan?" he asked. She nodded, a smile on her face.

"You got any parents?" he asked. She shook her head.

"You know what happened to them?" she put her palm out flat and walked her fingers down and away from herself. Roman tsked.

"Some fucking people," he said softly, his eyes hardening. He let her necklace go and stood up again before reaching his hand out.

"Tell you what Neo," he said, hand outstretched, "how's about you come with me for a little bit? Until we can find you a place to stay or something?"

She reached out slowly, waiting for him to take his hand back and leave without another word, but when she placed her tiny hand in his he closed it gently, walking down the street slowly with Neo in tow.

After two steps he looked up and stopped abruptly. He looked at the shop who's window he'd used as a mirror a moment ago. He looked down at her and back at the sign. She couldn't read the words but they were gold in color and looked fancy.

"You ever have ice cream kid?" he asked. She looked at him confused. He laughed. Ironic considering her name.

"Not a fan of the stuff myself but I'm not the one paying," he said, holding up the wallet from the man who'd hit her.

He walked them inside the small building and ordered something that she didn't quite understand. It sounded like he'd asked for her name, but what food had her name?

He hoisted her up and sat her down on a red chair before placing a small bowl in front of her. It was the same color as her hair!

"I almost forgot to introduce myself," he said as she looked between him and the ice cream.

"I'm Roman. Roman Torchwick," he said as he placed a plastic spoon in her hands.

"Enjoy kid," he said as he leaned on the counter and pulled out a cigar. He ignored the owner who told him not to light it inside.

She slowly took a spoonful and placed it in her mouth.

Her eyes widened.

Roman watched an addiction be born that day.

Little did he know, he'd witness it for the next eleven or so years.

\/=\/=\/

As Neo finished recounting the story she noticed Salem looking at her. No; staring. Salem was staring at her.

"Your father is a very strange man," Salem said. Neo nodded.

Roman was weird, and he could be downright immoral sometimes, but he was her family. Her only family for a long, long time.

"I must say, it is a shame he's already taken," Salem sighed. Neo suppressed a gag. She didn't need to be reminded that women fawned over Roman.

Speaking of, Neo wondered what Roman was doing. She swore she was supposed to do something but she couldn't for the life of her remember what it was.


"Unfortunately her majesty and Lady Politan are still indisposed," Watts said as he walked into the meeting room.

Roman was draped across Salem's throne, one arm hanging off the side. Glynda stood to his side, arms crossed and very clearly unhappy with... well, everything really.

"Lady Politan? What's up with that?" Roman asked, confused as to why Neo got a special title.

"Her liege wishes to see to it that you are her betrothed, which would technically make you a king and your daughter a princess," Watts explained.

"Over my dead body," Glynda growled.

"That can be arranged!" Tyrian yelled from the other room. She made to move but Roman put a hand on her shoulder.

"Easy now Glyn, he's not worth your time. I hear he has," Roman leaned in and whispered, "problems mentally."

She gave him a sidelong glare and he wisely sat up straight and stopped speaking.

"At any rate," Watts continued, "it would seem that due to recent... circumstances, you are to be the one giving out orders."

"Say what now?" Roman asked, falling out of the throne a little.

Watts sighed deeply, forlornly even, and held up a scroll. Not the device however, an actual written in paper scroll. He cleared his throat and read aloud.

"Upon the retrieval of one Roman Torchwick, I, Salem: Queen of Grimm and other nefarious forces, place the formerly mentioned in charge should I be unresponsive for more than one day," he lowered the scroll and looked at Roman and Glynda, "The day long period ended about fifteen minutes ago."

"Wait wait wait, I never even agreed to her advances!" Roman said, holding his hands in front of him.

"It seems our queen did not prepare for such a possibility and so this is what we have to go by. Unfortunately I witnessed it written myself," the scientist grumbled.

"When did she write such a concordance?" Glynda asked.

"Two days ago," Watts said, a blank, dead look on his face.

"So lemme get this straight," Roman said, stepping off the throne and walking towards the man, "I'm technically the ruling official until Salem says otherwise?"

Watts nodded, hunched and clearly wanting a vacation. Roman slowly turned around to Glynda, who glared at him with the heat of a thousand suns.

"No."

"Think of the possibilities!"

"No!"

"But—"

"Roman, need I remind you that we're working with Ozpin against Salem!?"

"Okay but he doesn't have to know!"

"I second that!" Hazel yelled from the other room.

Glynda barred her teeth at him and he winced.

"Not even for a day?"

She took a step towards him.

"A few hours?"

Another step. This time The Disciplinarian flew from her hip to her hand. Watts wisely stepped far away from the woman.

"Half an hour?" he pleaded. She leveled the crop at him. It was silent for a solid minute, neither saying a word, though Roman looked like he wanted to. Watts watched in awe.

This woman. She was fit to be an evil overlord! She had all the commanding presence and angry energy! How unfortunate she was so staunchly allied with Ozpin.

"Okay I have an idea," he tried instead, walking very delicately towards Glynda.

"No. No ideas. They almost always make things worse," she shot him down.

"I feel like you're gonna like this one though!" he said as he came to a stop in front of her. Her crop was practically touching his nose.

"Say it in eight or less words," she demanded. He blinked a few times, put his eyes up in thought, and then looked back to her after a few seconds.

"Think of the awesome royal sex we'd have," he said.

Watts looked away and flinched as he heard the slap echo throughout the tower. When he looked back, Glynda was red, likely a mix of rage and embarrassment, and Roman had crumpled across the floor, groaning as he slowly pulled himself up.

"Okay, I deserved that," he said. She waited for him to stand up all the way before leaning in. The scowl on her face was legendary.

"One. Hour. And sex first," she snarled. He was about to cheer when she grabbed his arm and dragged him to his room. As they passed Watts, Roman nudged him with his elbow.

"I'm about to laid!" he whispered. Watts watched the two round the corner, hearing a door slam shortly after.

Then the thumping started.

Why hadn't they invested in soundproof walls?

"WATTS WHAT IS THAT NOISE!?" Salem shouted from her freezer. Watts shivered and paled.

This wasn't going to be good. The world wouldn't survive Salem's wrath if she walked in on this.

"Nevermind! I'll just check myself!"

How could it get any worse?

Then the windows crashed and a giant swarm of nevermore flooded the tower. Through the haze Watts could hear someone screaming.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?" Ruby yelled as she was dragged through the halls of the tower towards wherever Salem was.

"Roman? Are you in there? What's that noise I'm heari—" there was a sharp gasp, "YOU! YOU WHORE!"

"Oh shit I thought you locked the door!"

"That's your job Roman!"

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HUSSY!"

Watts listened. It sounded like the nevermores were nearing their destination.

"What's with all the birds!?" Roman shouted.

"Roman?"

"Red? What the hell are you doing here!?"

"I don't know! I was carried by this flock of strangely gentle and soft nevermore and before I knew it I ended up her— OH GOD YOU AND MS. GOODWITCH ARE NAKED!"

There was what sounded like a small girl fainting and hitting the floor, followed very shortly by a set of urgent footsteps and another small girl fainting.

Watts contemplated throwing himself from the window now or saving it for later when he'd be able to drag Cinder with him.


Argus, one day prior

Ruby sighed, taking in the breeze of Argus. They had arrived the other day and were currently trying to acquire a way to get to Atlas. Half of them were staying with Jaune's sister, Saphron, while the other half stayed with Qrow and Ozpin in a hotel.

They had been making good progress for a little but, but had hit a roadblock. A small, person shaped roadblock.

"I've told you all already! I am not letting anyone, especially such a rag-tag group like yours, pass into Atlas! The kingdom is on lockdown!" the small, older woman yelled from behind the gate.

"Told you everyone from Atlas was a prick," Mercury said as he leaned towards Jaune. Said blonde rolled his eyes and stepped forward.

"Please ma'am, we just need to—"

"You need to do nothing! Atlas is my kingdom! And I will not let hooligans such as yourselves to enter it!" she shouted.

They all sighed. This woman had been cock blocking them from Atlas since they'd arrived. She was small, dressed in specialist attire. Her hair was white and her face was wrinkled in places. She stood straight, an air of superiority to her, likely compensation for her lack of height.

They were all about to leave for the day and try again tomorrow, Ozpin assuring that he'd be able to get a message through to Ironwood, when a new voice chimed in.

"You always were a stone cold bitch Cordovin!" an elderly woman said from behind them. They all turned in shock at her crassness and the specialist seemed to froth at the lips upon seeing her.

"Calavera," she growled.

"In the flesh! Still alive and here to piss you off until one of us dies!" the other lady claimed. She also had white hair, but had much darker skin and wore much less formal clothes. The most striking feature she had was the set of bulky and glowing goggles on her face.

Ren stepped forward and bowed to the woman before speaking.

"Um excuse us, but we're kind of trying to get a ship to—" she covered his mouth with her cane, the head shaped like a skull, and walked past him.

"Now why don't you let me and these nice folks into Atlas, hm? After all, you're not showing how 'ahead of the world' Atlas is if you bar people from entering. That's not very progressive, now is it?" she asked, walking right up to the gate and gazing into the other woman's eyes.

"THAT'S ENOUGH! NONE OF YOU WILL EVER GET INTO ATLAS! EVER!" she raged. She stomped a foot down and turned on her heel, marching away and into her base.

"Well, that could've gone better," the old lady said as she turned and faced them, "I thought for sure she'd crack under the pressure and let us through."

"Seriously lady!? What's wrong with you?" Mercury asked. She humphed and looked over him.

"Aren't you the kid who said the racist thing about Mistralis on the train?" she asked. His jaw clicked shit and he huffed, not answering her.

"Well, at least things can't get much worse," Melanie said. Qrow hissed upon hearing that. They all raised an eyebrow at him except for Ozpin.

"What? She's not wrong! What could get worse right now?" Miltia asked. Qrow made a zip it motion but it went unprocessed.

"Yeah seriously, things can't get any worse than this," Nora said.

There was a loud noise, like a massive amount of rain was falling and heading directly towards them. They looked around and Pyrrha pointed up.

"Um, everybody?" she notified them.

They all looked up and saw what was possibly the largest nevermore swarm any of them had ever seen. It moved like a tornado, thrashing this way and that way. It was almost like it was looking for something. They didn't look particularly large, definitely on the smaller side as far as nevermore went.

Then it stopped in place.

Then it quickly started growing closer.

"What do we do about that!?" Weiss asked. Ruby stepped forward to answer.

"We have to make sure nobody is hurt! We'll start by— AHHHH!" Ruby screamed as the swarm tore past them. They all covered themselves and took down what beasts flew into them. Soon after all of them flew away and into the air again.

"Damn, that was awful," Qrow said as he spit out a feather, "now what were you saying Rubes?"

There was no reply.

"Ruby?" he asked looking around. The others looked too. There was no sight of the girl.

"AHHHHH!" they looked up and briefly caught a glimpse of red within the swarm.

"Ah. That could be how things could get worse," Melanie said.

"RUBY!" Qrow and Yang screamed. Qrow started running, ready to transform and Chase the flock but Ozpin stuck his cane out in front of the man, stopping him. Qrow snarled down at the man-turned-child.

"What the hell Oz!? I have to go after her!" he shouted. Ozpin shook his head.

"We would only succeed in losing both of you," he said. Qrow growled and tried to move again but was stopped once more by the wizard.

"Say you catch up and somehow manage to fight the entire flock by yourself, mid air mind you, what next? You and Ms. Rose plummet several hundred meters into the ocean? We have no ship, and aren't likely to get one with that old crone blocking our way. You would only manage to drown yourselves," Ozpin reprimanded. Qrow choked and looked back to the flock, growing smaller and smaller by the second.

Qrow glared back down at Ozpin. He wouldn't admit he was right. Not if it meant letting Ruby just get taken. But even still...

"Why didn't they just kill her? They could've done it here, or from above, or dropped her. But they didn't. Which means Salem will have her, Roman, the relic, and probably Glynda and the other brat too!" Qrow heaved, "What is she doing!? Trying to build a family!?"

Ozpin froze. Qrow noticed. So did the others.

"What is it Ozpin?" Jaune asked, stepping forward. He cleared his throat.

"It's nothing," he said quickly, before looking at the back of his bare wrist, "oh, look at the time. Oscar needs to be let out. We'll all talk later, farewell for now!"

And like that the boy's eyes glowed for a moment and he hunched over a little, blinking and looking around.

"Sooo," he started, "what the hell just happened? And why is Ozpin setting up a panic chamber in my frontal lobe?"

Qrow growled.

Ozpin had some explaining to do.


Grimmlands, present day, five minutes before doomsday

Ruby shielded her eyes, not wanting any of the small nevermores feathers blinding her. It'd been... she actually didn't know how long it'd been. She passed out after an hour of kicking the birds, but every time one fell two more took its place. She couldn't use Crescent Rose due to the tight sphere the birds had made around her, which also made jumping (which she didn't want to do in the first place) unavailable.

She couldn't even see where they were! For all she knew they were carrying her to a bigger, momma nevermore! What was she supposed to do?

I always thought I'd die in a more... spectacular or heroic way.

This wasn't spectacular at all! And it sure as hell wasn't heroic! This was a lame death!

She heard what sounded like pecking at... a window? Were they at someone's house? Why were they at a house?

After a few more pecks the birds squawked to each other before ramming their way into the building. Now they were carrying her in a stream, and she could finally see again.

Why did it look like she was in a castle? And who was that science-y looking guy she just passed? And why'd he look so defeated?

None of these questions were answered when the birds carried her into a room down the hall, placing her— yes placing, they all grabbed a different part of her body and quite literally stood her up like a princess from one of those kids movies— before flying out of the room.

"What's with all the birds!?" somebody shouted. It sounded like...

"Roman?"

"Red? What the hell are you doing here!?"

"I don't know! I was carried by this flock of strangely gentle and soft nevermore and before I knew it I ended up her— OH GOD YOU AND MS. GOODWITCH ARE NAKED!"

Ruby suppressed the urge to vomit, not prepared, or ever expecting, to see her former teachers doing that before her very eyes. She collapsed shortly after.

As her vision faded she swore she saw Neo burst into the room. The girl looked past her and to the two lovers. She fell down immediately, her head crashing onto Ruby's spine.

Both of them faded into unconsciousness. Roman cursed the lucky bastards. Now he had to deal with this alone.

"Roman!? How could you!?" Salem cried, looking at him hurt before snapping to Glynda with a face of murder, "And with her of all people!? Did this happen while I was having family time with our daughter!?"

"Our daughter?" Glynda asked, sitting up in the bed and glaring at the woman.

"Wait a minute, she's really only my dau—"

The glare he received from both women would've killed a weaker man. He was lucky he'd just been put in a catatonic state of pure fear.

"Last time I checked, you didn't give her what she asked for! I gave her sustenance! And her girlfriend!" Salem raved.

"I picked out her dog!" Glynda said, jabbing a finger at Chew, who had only just trotted up to the door before freezing at seeing the deathly aura emanating off of the two women.

A massive alpha beowolf walked up behind him and he turned and barked to the Grimm in a short series of three.

The Grimm looked in, shrunk back, and the two dogs took off down the hallway.

"Don't use our family pet against us!" Salem sneered. Glynda scoffed, throwing her hair— that had been taken out of a bun for love making purposes— over her shoulder. Her breasts shook as she did, free from any form of bra or support by this point. Salem noticed and glared more.

"Hmph, well I can offer him more than your feeble mortal body and mind are capable of," Salem said as she slowly strode forwards, reaching up and taking out her intricate bun. Her hair fell free, looking very similar to Glynda's but for the color.

"Please," Glynda smirked haughtily, "you may have experience with men but I have experience with him. We are leagues apart."

Salem hissed as she took a fold of each half of her dress from the front before angrily tearing her hands away from each other, spilling her own ample cleavage out.

Glynda's smirk disappeared and it was her turn to glare.

"Jealous are we?" Salem had a smug, triumphant look on her face, "Wait until he sees these hips in action."

Salem sat on Roman's left, while Glynda still lay at his right. Glynda flicked her arm out and Ruby and Neo's unconscious forms flew out of the room and directly into an incoming Watts. The door slammed shut and locked shortly after. Salem wouldn't deny that such a skill was impressive.

At this time did Roman's mind choose to reboot.

"What happened? Wait where's Neo and Red? And what—"

He looked to his left, blinked, looked right, blinked again, and then did what anyone would do when confronted with the situation.

"Bwahuh?" was all his mind managed to get out.

"Are you ready to lose in the fight that matters most?" Salem asked, slowly caressing her hand up his arm and leaning in towards his ear.

"Are you ready to eat your words?" Glynda returned, lost in the heat of the moment as she leaned in towards Roman's neck, her hand feeling across his midriff.

"You're less of a stick-in-the-ass than I thought," Salem smirked, for once not in contempt.

"Hmph," Glynda blushed a little and offered nothing more.

"Wait ladies, this is great and all but don't I get a say in thi—" before he could continue both women moved.

Salem bit his ear.

Glynda bit his neck.

Both of their hands found their way directly onto his crotch.

"Ah," he said eloquently.

Ah indeed Roman.

Then the real fucking began.


Qrow jolted upright from his sleep. He looked around and blinked a few times. It wasn't because he was worrying about Ruby though.

He suddenly got the inexplicable urge to to beat the shit out of Roman.

"What did that bastard manage this time?" he grumbled as he slowly returned to the world of slumber.


Neo slowly woke up, eyes flitting as she shuffled around. Whatever she was on was pretty soft and warm. She swore she did this already...

"Neo?" Ruby mumbled. Neo blinked. Talk about deja vu. Wait a minute, Ruby?

Neo turned and saw the reaper looking at her. The younger girl smiled.

"Surprise?" she tried. Neo smirked and gave the girl a little peck. She blushed and pushed her face away.

"You smell like an entire ice cream store. Did you get drunk and raid another one like that one time with the twins and Yang?" she asked. Neo rolled her eyes.

You get trashed and demolish an ice cream shop once and your girlfriend won't let it go for the rest of your life!

It's a long story, Neo told instead. Ruby sighed and sat up.

"I can't remember why we were asleep. Or how long we were asleep. Or where I actually am for that matter," Ruby rattled off, looking her way.

I don't know why we're asleep either. It's like my brain has blanked it for some reason, Neo said.

As for where we are...

One convoluted explanation later and Ruby had her head in her hands and was groaning.

"Why?" was all she could truly ask. Other alternatives were 'how?' or 'what the fuck?' but they didn't come out as easily as 'why' did.

Guess she was lonely, Neo said, playing with her fingers. Ruby gave her an incredulous look.

"What?" she asked. Neo forgot that only she really knew about the fact that Salem did, apparently, have a family once. And not only that, but that it didn't go all that well.

Well apparently she had a husband and like four kids and she and the husband got into a fight and she lost all of them, Neo gave her the cliff notes version. Ruby looked a little sad. Leave it to Ruby to feel bad for the embodiment of evil.

"That's pretty messed up actually," she said. Neo nodded. The husband sounded like a real asshole!

"So where are Roman and Ms. Goodwitch?" Ruby asked.

"I really wouldn't go looking for them if I were you. Her grace, either, actually," a man said from the doorway. They both looked over and saw Watts leaning against the doorframe, hands rubbing his temples gently.

"And you are?" Ruby trailed off. He blinked and groaned but composed himself and turned to her, bowing only slightly.

"Arthur Watts, a pleasure," he said.

"Oh. Ruby Rose. I... like your mustache," she replied.

He seemed to lighten a little at that, but quickly caught his smile and coughed into his hand to hide it.

"So why can't we see Roman or Ms. Goodwitch or... her grace?" Ruby asked. He looked to the side before clearing his throat.

"They are currently discussing something very important," he stated, looking pained to call it that.

The three actually occupied a room down the hall.

In this room, Roman was laid against the headboard of a very well used bed. His eyes were open in what many would assume was shock, but was in fact sensory overload.

"I see... you're still not giving up... perhaps— mmph, I misjudged you," Salem panted, nevermind you why.

"I believe... I was quick to label you as we— oh god keep doing that with your tongue!" Glynda replied.

Roman had to wonder when the two women had started making love with each other while still somehow trying to show the other up by making love to him.

"Ladies... please... I need a break," he wheezed, drained in... many, many ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it.

He really never expected this to be what made the two get along. If he was being honest, the rational part of him was happy. They weren't fighting anymore!

The logical part of his brain had to ask if it was worth never wanting to have sex again.

Who was he kidding.

He'd absolutely do this again.

He just knew for a fact that it was bad for him.

"Roman dear... just let us handle this... you need not worry about— OH BY THE BROTHERS DIVINE COCK AND BALLS, YES!" Salem moaned out as Glynda did that thing with her finger. She fell forward and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I agree Roman... besides, this has been really good... for bonding," Glynda said as she joined Salem and pressed her entire body along Roman's.

"B-bonding?" he asked. What did they mean by that? He'd practically blacked out for a majority of the time!

"Well I was thinking," Salem breathed out, her breath tickling his neck, "That if you were to be king, it isn't irregular for a king to have mistresses."

"Huh?" he asked. Glynda still had a glare, but in their sex-addled haze it was more of a pout.

"I loathe being called that, but I won't deny the absolute, mind-blowing orgasms that I've had in the last seven hours."

Seven hours!? They'd been going at it for that long!? How did he even have a penis anymore!? He needed at least an hour to recharge!

"Wait, you said that I couldn't be king!" he accused the blonde.

"But Roman," she looked at him with, what he believed was the first time ever, a begging look, "This could be a regular thing."

"Since when were you okay with this being a regular thing? I thought that you didn't want to share?" he asked.

"But Roman, you know what they say," Salem said in a husky voice as she lay a grip on his groin, "sharing is caring."

Glynda leaned in and ran a hand down his jawline.

"Now let us care for you some more," she whispered as she sunk below the sheets. Salem soon followed.

His eyes widened in shock when he felt both of their tongues at once.

"Okay, maybe I'll think about it," he said.

They only intensified their efforts after hearing that.


Mercury stood at the gates of the Atlesian base in Argus, hands against the metal and looking down casually at the old lady in front of him.

"Do you take bribes?" he asked her.

"No."

"What about human bribes. Like if I gave you a small child or something?"

"Are you suggesting selling me someone else's child!?" Cordovin spat. He shrugged.

"The family I'm staying with has a son. Cute kid, Adrian I think is his name..." he told her.

"Leave before I have you arrested!" she demanded. He shrugged again.

"Who's gonna do it?" he asked.

"My own soldiers will see to it that you're detained," she replied.

"Don't you have to open the gate for that?" he asked.

"I—" she paused. Yes, she did as a matter of fact. But that meant giving them access to the base if she did.

"So who's gonna do it?" he smirked as he crouched down to her level. She growled. Was he mocking her!? Height went down with old age!

"Guards! Arrest him!" Ashe ordered. Mercury looked up to the two strangely shaped guards behind the woman. He gave them a little wave.

"Uhhh," one scratched his chin, "how?"

She groaned and pointed to the lever.

"Open the gate, but only just a little! Don't let any of the rest of them through..." she said, gazing at the others all stood behind Mercury.

Meanwhile, Qrow leaned over to the others and spoke quietly.

"Wow, he's actually getting her to open the gate by being an absolute tool," he said, amused by the assassin's display.

"That's Mercury for you," Yang said as she put a hand on her hip and watched the two large guards open the gate a little bit.

"Alright, come get me," Mercury said, standing back up and putting his arms out.

The two guards moved forward but bumped into the gate. The opening they made wasn't large enough for them to fit through, only for Mercury to fit through.

"Open it more you numbskulls!" Cordovin stamped her foot down. They opened it a little more.

Mercury made a slight step towards the opening.

"Close it! Close it!" she yelled back. The gate closed all the way. She growled.

"Not all the way! Just a little! Open it a little again!" she commanded.

They did so. It was too small again. The specialist groaned and nearly fell over. Mercury suppressed a laugh.

"So when do I get detained?" he asked. She looked like she was ready to shoot him if he kept talking.

"Why don't I just come peacefully?" he said, walking up to the opening. The guards tried closing it.

But it didn't close all the way.

"What!?" Cordovin looked at the gate. The mechanisms all looked fine, repeated use wouldn't break it so what was—

She curled up in rage.

The boy's foot, as if made of steel or something, was stuck right between the gate, holding it open. By all means it should've broken his foot, but he just smiled as he crouched down again.

"Here's a good plan," he said loudly. She raised an eyebrow at him. Why did he shout that?

"NOW!" he yelled. Before she could reply, the group dashed forward. Yang and Nora both grabbed a side of the gate while Pyrrha used her semblance and they pried it open.

With no locking mechanism in place due to the assassin holding it open, the gate moved easily under their force.

They all dashed past her and shoulder checked soldiers and guards as they hightailed it into a bullhead.

Cordovin blinked.

What?

WHAT!?

"Wow, that was some plan they scraped together," Maria said as she waltzed past the gate and the specialist. Cordovin slowly turned her gaze to the other old woman, who looked at her as she climbed into the bullhead.

"These nice young folk said they'd help me get to Atlas! Fancy that, huh?" the woman said as she boarded.

As if finally snapping, Cordovin pointed at the bullhead.

"DESTROY THEM!" she shrieked. The soldiers all scrambled to try but we're unable to actually do anything when the ship started hovering. They started shooting at the ship but their bullets froze in place. Pyrrha leaned out the door and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry about your bullets!" she called. Jaune pulled her back in quickly as Nora leaned out.

"No she's not! FUCK YOUR BULLETS!" the ginger screamed before being hauled back in by Ren.

"Ready the Colossus! We will not let them get to Atlas!" Cordovin ordered. They all saluted and ran to their stations. The specialist stomped her way to the cockpit.

Up in the air, Qrow sighed. He watched the old lady pilot the ship and winced every time it bumped.

The only reason they'd actually brought her along was because none of them knew how to fly a ship. Roman was their best for that and he was gone, and after him Glynda was the only other person to know.

So when this old lady said she'd do it for free? They wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Are you sure you're fit to fly granny?" Mercury asked the woman. He sat in the passenger seat, the others all in the hull of the ship.

"Oh hush you little bastard! I can fly with my eyes closed! Provided I actually had eyes," she responded.

That didn't make him feel better.

Neither did what he saw out the front window.

"Uh, guys?" he called them. They crowded the cockpit and looked out. They were left aghast.

"Holy mother of God," Oscar mumbled.

Before them stood an absolutely gigantic mech, stocky and rectangular in its form but imposing nonetheless. One hand was in a fist, balled and ready to swing, while the other arm was a giant cannon.

A cannon that was aimed directly at them.

"AHHHH! MOVE IT OLD LADY!" Mercury screamed. Maria huffed and the ship dropped almost immediately. A blast of lightning flew overhead as they fell.

"SHE'S TRYING TO KILL US!" Melanie shouted.

"Will you all stop shouting!? You'll make my tinnitus worse at this rate!" Maria demanded.

They all went to the hull with the exception of Mercury to let the woman breathe.

"What do we do?" Weiss asked. They all held on as the ship dipped to and fro, dodging blasts.

"Well," Miltia started, "we could always just leave."

They all remained silent. Blake walked back to the cockpit.

"Do you think that you can fly well enough to avoid that thing until the waters are too deep for it to stand?" she asked. Maria hummed as the ship banked right, another shot of lighting streaking past.

"Yes but I'll need help and it will most definitely put your lives in danger," she said nonchalantly. They all looked to one another and shrugged. They were used to that kind of stuff.

The back door to the bullhead opened and Maria started giving them orders.

"You lot! Tell me which way to steer! Mess up and we go down! Understood?" she asked sweetly, like a grandmother asking for help with baking.

"Aye aye granny!" Nora said with a salute.

"Left!" Qrow shouted. The ship veered left and the blast flew by.

"It's starting to chase on foot! Go low!" Jaune shouted. The ship dipped and a giant fist swung over them.

"Right! RIGHT!" Nora yelled. Another shot flew by, this one exploding in the water and sending a huge wave of mist around them.

"I can't see through the mist!" Pyrrha said. They heard what sounded like something locking into place and then a loud whirring.

"JUST GO ANY DIRECTION BUT STRAIGHT!" Melanie yelled urgently.

"If you say so," Maria said.

So she flew straight up.

"AHHHH! A LITTLE WARNING!?" Oscar asked as they all grabbed onto something to keep from flying out the still open back of the bullhead.

It leveled out shortly after and they all stood again.

"We're still alive aren't we? Now where is she?" Maria asked. They checked again.

"Uh, right below us," Miltia said.

And it looked like she'd lost them.

"AAAAAAARGH! CALAVERA!" the machine's loudspeakers rang. Maria cackled hysterically. Mercury scooted away a little bit.

"That old crone couldn't hit the broadside of a Sandwyrm! And I've watched some young man in Vacuo take one of those things down on his own years back! On a bet no less! Fancy that," she laughed.

"Wait, did this guy do it for like sixty lien?" Mercury asked. She hummed.

"I think he did actually! I also watched him fight the ocean! And win! Wonder what he's doing these days," she wondered aloud. Mercury, the twins, Weiss, Yang, and Blake all sighed.

Torchwick seemed to have a reputation everywhere they went.

"Next stop Atlas!" Maria said, closing the back hatch of the bullhead. Behind and below them, the Atlesian Colossus turned this way and that looking for them.

Eventually it'd give up and report to General Ironwood. He would have it shot down when it arrived.

Cordovin just wished she could do it herself.


Ironwood sighed as he viewed the report he'd just received. It was from their base in Argus. Apparently some colorful group of assorted individuals had hijacked a bullhead and we're supposedly headed towards Atlas.

From the description he was given it sounded like Qrow and a group of former students. Weiss Schnee was included in the description which only solidified that theory.

Winter wouldn't be pleased that her sister had committed such a crime.

He would fail to mention it to her. After all, the message he was currently writing and planning to send to Argus was supposed to be done two days from now, telling specialist Cordovin to allow Qrow Branwen and any allies he had through to Atlas. Alas, it looked like they were impatient and unwilling to wait much longer.

He'd have a word with Qrow about that. Not anything serious. After all, he wasn't mad. That meant that Qrow was alive and on his way with other trained fighters.

He'd take what he could get. He pressed a switch on his desk.

"General Ironwood, sir," Winter saluted.

"Winter, has Dr. Polendina finished his routine maintenance for the month?" he asked.

"Yes sir," she affirmed. He smiled. His eyes were tired but at least he had received good news for the day.

"Good. We need Penny back in action as soon as possible," he said. She said she'd tell him right away. Ironwood dismissed her and he looked out his window.

"Let's hope things will change soon," he said solemnly. After all, he had a plan.

A plan to tell all of Remnant about Salem. Maybe then they'd be able to take her down.


Roman's nose twitched a little as he buttoned his jacket up. Odd, it felt like something was about to go horribly wrong. He shrugged it off, right now he was in a good mood.

"Glynda, be a dear and pass me those hair ties," Salem asked. The disciplinarian levitated a few of them over and Salem took them with a thanks.

It was amazing how mind blowing sex could make two people immediately get along. There's no way this decision would bite him in the ass!

So why did his nose still itch?

He'd figure it out later, right now he wanted to check on Neo. Glynda was currently helping Salem tie her hair into her incredibly strange and complicated bun.

He left the room and saw Watts. Upon asking the man where his daughter was the scientist pointed to the room he'd carried her to after she and Ruby had passed out.

Watts told him that maybe now wasn't a good time to visit but wouldn't tell Roman why. Roman waved it off. He was allowed to visit his daughter if he felt like it!

Roman walked over and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again. Still nothing. He looked around and was surprised to see Chew sleeping on a few pillows outside of the room.

That was weird, normally Neo forced the dog to stay with her.

He shrugged and opened the door. Maybe she was just sleeping and didn't want to get up—

"OH MY GOD!" he screamed as the blankets rustled and Neo's head popped up. She went very pale before she went very red and slapped Ruby who was beneath her. She moved her hands frantically.

"I thought you locked the door!" Ruby said back. Neo gave her a look and she shrugged.

They heard a thing and looked over to see Roman had passed out.

Why did that feel so familiar?

"Chew! Can you help out?" Ruby asked. The fog came and gently bit down on Roman's pant leg before dragging the unconscious man back to his room. Neo ran over and slammed to door shut, actually locking it this time. She turned and glared at Ruby, standing with her hands on her hips, completely naked but seemingly unashamed to be baring herself to the other girl.

"Eh heh heh... heh... oopsies?" Ruby tried. Neo started walking forward, a dangerous look coming to her eyes.

Ruby had a feeling her turn being top was done for the day.


And I think I'll spare all of our eyes there. Lord knows I wasn't writing these scenes for the sex.

I was writing them for the laughs. The best kind of sex.

To all my reviewers who were asking me to make all those three bone; you are welcome.

At any rate, this chapter is effectively the end of what would have been season 6. Season seven probably won't even happen remotely the same considering the fact that Roman went and stuck his dick in evil.

As for the Argus arc, I'll be honest; it wasn't my favorite in the show. I didn't wanna dwell too much on it so I didn't. Sue me. Or don't. You do you really.

As always please review and follow if you want to see more. I greatly appreciate it. Do be safe out there and stay healthy everyone! Have a wonderful time!

And don't bite off more than you can chew!


Omake: Young Neo and Roman

Roman looked at the pair of gloves he got. They were high quality, nice material, and they definitely made the outfit look good, just like he'd assumed.

He looked down to Neo, who was now about ten. He hummed.

"Neo I think it's time we got you a real thief's outfit!" he said. Right now she wore the kind of stuff a civvy would wear. She needed to look as dashing as he did!

She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.

Do I have to wear a skirt? she asked, not looking too happy at the thought. He laughed.

"Only if it looks right Neo! That's the beauty of fashion!" he said. She rolled her eyes but let him take her around town for clothes regardless.

Most men loathe the idea of clothes shopping with a woman. They say that it drains their life force.

Neo understood what those men meant. In this case though, she was the man and Roman was the woman dragging her around.

Never in her life had she met a man who was so fashionably inclined. Every store they went to he would pick out sevm or so outfits, only to not buy a single one!

At one store he even had three random women come and look over her with him! He somehow managed to sound the most scrutinizing out of all of them too.

At another store she found a green outfit she really liked but he told her that thieves don't wear green unless they wear tights and traipse through the woods like a fairytale.

By the end of the day they had exactly... zero outfits. Neo was exhausted, hungry, and truly never wanted to see a clothing store again.

"Well, we'll have to try again tomorrow," Roman said as he strolled into their temporary home.

She collapsed where she stood, the prospect of being dragged through that hell again too much for her young brain.

"Oh don't be like that Neo! Fashion is a language of its own! Learning to speak it is an important part of any good thief's life!" Roman said. That somehow made her feel worse.

Little did she know, they'd be looking for an outfit for the next four years and she would be saved when Roman finally found the one.

"Neo! Look at this!" he called. Now she was fourteen, and was likely done growing up considering she'd stayed the same height for two and half years now.

She pouted when Roman told her being short made stealing easier. That wasn't the point! She still looked like a damn kid!

She came over and looked to the outfit, eyes widening in pleasant surprise for the first time.

The outfit looked good. A brown leotard and a white and pink jacket over it. The pants were brown as well and the boots were knee high and white.

It looked exactly like something she'd wear. Too much so.

How'd you get this? she asked Roman. He laughed.

"I have my connections. Didn't even have to bribe anyone for it," he smirked. She ran her hand along it. It was soft, and she wondered how it'd look with all her necklaces.

"Well go on, try it on! I didn't get it for you to stare," he said. She stuck her tongue out at him and he did the same. She took the outfit aside and tried it on.

When she came out she looked in the mirror. It was perfect! She felt like she belonged in these clothes. Roman noticed her smile.

"Glad you like it, now come on. You'll have a chance to debut it to the public soon enough," he said. She nodded and ran up to him, hugging him around the waist. He laughed and pet her head.

"No problem kiddo," he said. They separated and left the store.

In the back, a tailor counted the lien he'd been given. It was... a concerning amount. And it came in a briefcase that looked like it belonged to a bank. Not only that but the lien looked like... game money?

A paint bomb in the case went off and the tailor screamed.

The police showed up and found the scene. Looked like Torchwick's work. They sighed but in the end shrugged off the thief's crime.

He probably wouldn't make it far in Vale.