Chapter 13: Getting Closer

P O V: Olivia Benson

"Thank you so much for coming Erin for supporting Amanda and helping the unit while they are so short-staffed." "Og course Liv, thank you for trusting me. How is Detective Rollins doing?" Hugging agent Erin Lindsay I feel my week's worth of exhaustion settling in "Not so great she's been sick for days since she started chemo. Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, pounding headache, body aches, chills." "It's horrible to watch her suffer. I can't even hold her because she's in isolation; she's trying to be strong for me."

"Not easy, Olivia, she's trying to be strong for you, and I bet you are trying to be strong for her."

"You know us well, Erin. So how are you?"

"I'm good Liv, thank you, Olivia, I'm loving being back in action, there's so much paperwork with the FBI, I hardly ever see the field anymore."

"I hear Fin saying great things about you, Erin, so if you ever want to make a change, I have a spot waiting for you."

"Your serious Olivia?"

"Yes, Ma'am. You interested?"

"Very Captain, will talk more when you are back in NYC."

"Yes, we will. Keep me updated on the investigation, did you make contact with Jim Rollins yet?"

"We did with help from Kim; he was a tough nut to crack, but we didn't quit. He confessed he kidnapped a toddler from Coney Island in 1984. According to him, Beth Anne got pregnant at 16; he was 18. Her parents threw her out, so they ran away together. Neither graduated high school, so they spent their time panhandling, hitchhiking. Beth Anne miscarried somehow, which lead to them fighting all the time, Beth Anne became depressed and angry. Jim was afraid of losing her, so after four years, he took matters into his own hands."

"I'm afraid to ask Erin."

"On their seventh anniversary, Jim took Beth Anne to Coney Island to celebrate their relationship, and Beth Anne saw this little Blue-eyed blond-haired girl who she swore looked like their daughter would have if she had lived. She was helping a lady who was running a game booth, entertaining the crowd. So Jim spent the next two weeks watching her, getting to know her routine following her to the house she lived in, the school she went to. After he got comfortable with the routine, he started to approach her. Talk to her, offer her candy got to befriend her."

"The bastard groomed her."

"Pretty Much Liv."

Anger burns inside my blood racing as fast as the cancer is tearing apart Amanda's body; the pain is eating my soul. To think of the type of men who would take advantage of a child earn their trust for one purpose only. To hurt them, take them to form the life they knew.

"Beth Anne just accepted this child, no questions? No hesitation?"

"He wouldn't say guess even after all these years he still wants to protect her."

"How noble."

"Well, he did say shortly after he took the girl, that Beth Anne got pregnant with Kim, they were on the road, broke. Beth had developed a nasty coke and alcohol addiction. She couldn't handle raising a child, so she saw the girl as a way to help her. She taught Amanda how to change diapers, clothes, feed the baby. Hold a baby."

"She found a use for Amanda in other words."

"Basically, yes."

"Have you started a search for any missing toddlers in 1984?"

"Yes, but it's almost impossible to discover because in 1984 the missing and exploited kids organization was just being formed." "There were no amber alerts; unfortunately, since many children are never reported missing, there is no reliable way to determine the total number of children who are actually missing in the U.S."

I know this. I am a detective. It doesn't make it easier, though, knowing Amanda's future; her life may depend on finding her biological family. "I want Fin and Kat to go to Coney Island interview the older employees; the owner see if anyone knows anyone who worked there in 1984 and who had a daughter."

"Copy that, Captain."

"Keep working Jim Rollins; I want him charged, keep Kim in custody to he'll be more inclined to talk if he knows she'll be held as well."

"What should we hold her on?"

"Pick a charge; she has a rap sheet as long as my years on earth."

"Copy that Captain, I'll call Kat I just need to run to the ladies room."

"Okay, I am going to check on Amanda meet you in the cafe in twenty Erin. Thanks again."

Heading back upstairs, I start to wash up, which is a long process. I can see Amanda laying in the bed in a fetal position. A basin under her mouth her chest heaving painfully. "She's having a rougher day than the last few if you want to go in there. I think it would do her more good than harm." Her RN Xenia comes up behind me. "Are you sure?" "Yes, patients need more than medicine to get through their journey. They need love and support; she needs to feel your touch, your love. Go on; just use proper precautions."

After gowning up placing on gloves, I slip inside the room, which smells of medicine and sickness. Taking a moment to adjust to it, I move towards the bed. She's dropped ten pounds in the last few days; her body is covered in rashes, bruises her mouth is filled with open sores, making food and drinks impossible. She's on TPN, but it's doing little to keep her nourished, not when she keeps throwing up all day.

Amanda can't even pick her head up to look at me the lights are burning her eyes her head is pounding so I gently take her hands. Kissing them, "I'm here, honey." slowly, her eyes open her lips crack their bloody and dry. I take a wet cloth and wipe her lips, which helps her to speak clearly. "Pee." wiping her sweaty forehead. I help her to sit up. "you need to pee. Is that what you are trying to tell me?" she moans, nodding. "Slowly sit up, honey, so you don't get dizzy." "hurry, please, Liv."

Gentle as possible, I help slide the bedpan under her lowering her underpants covering her, so she has a modest amount of privacy. "Thanks, Liv. Been trying to hold it, the nurses are so busy today." "Honey don't be afraid to call their here to help; your needs are just as important as the kids here."

"How are you feeling otherwise today?"

"So tired, I just want to sleep my muscles are numb, tingling, there's mind-numbing pain shooting up my legs, which are having spasms. All normal, though, Liv, so don't panic."

Cleaning her up, I empty the urine and wash up before heading back to the bed, settling in beside her she positions herself, so she's laying in my arms. "What can I do to help you, my love?" "Just hold me, please, Olivia."

Amanda may see herself in only negative ways. She doesn't feel worthy of the nurse's attention because she's older and an adult and in a children's hospital. I see her in the opposite of lights when I look at Amanda.

I see her humbleness.

Her compassion

Her grace in admitting when she's wrong the way she's so fast thinking on her feet, how passionate she is towards the victims, and getting justice. Amanda has this fantastic light to her that can light up a darkened ally and make the birds of Hade's sing songs of peace and love.

My fingers trace down her neck and scalp; her hair has become so thin and fragile. For the first time in my life since William Lewis, I am utterly terrified about losing someone I love. It's a sickening mind-numbing body shaking fear.

I am used to being in charge of catching the bad guys and locking them away; I can't detect cancer I can't punish it. I can't control the outcome or the journey. "Please God, don't take Amanda, please use your mercy and cast light to one of your children. She needs your love and healing touch."