Hold on To Me…. I'm A Little Unsteady
Life was coming at her fast; demanding changes that she couldn't quite manage; requiring adjustments that suddenly seemed beyond her ability.
Her emotions became complex and inexplicable; responsibilities imperceptibly equaled pressure; pressure produced uncertainty; uncertainty gave way to panic; panic created anxiety and anxiety became depression.
She would not fool herself; within two days she knew something was wrong. Yet it had taken her weeks to realize she lacked the capability to resolve it within herself and gather the courage needed to reach out to someone for help.
"I'm fine…really, I'm fine," continued to be her response to his worry; persuading him to believe that her exhaustion, lack of sleep and loss of appetite were a normal result of childbirth. So often did the excuse automatically roll off her lips that she eventually grew irritated with the sound of her own voice.
More weeks passed. She found no voice to confide in him. His perfection seemed to reflect her flaws and her inadequacies became unbearable. He would never understand and any attempts to empathize would change his perception of her to something unfavorable. She would never measure up in his eyes.
She thought she knew who to call. Yet, even in those remaining seconds, as she pressed his name from her contact list, she was racked with embarrassment and guilt. Guilt that the man who comforted her each night could not be her confidant. The strong arms enveloping her in security now felt confining and claustrophobic. Time and again she found herself waiting for sounds of his deep sleep and gently easing away from his embrace just so that she could breathe.
In embarrassment, her mind chastised her; demanding that she was stronger than this; she could fix herself. Maybe she just needed more time; more sleep; more discipline. But she had tried all that and nothing worked. She was still no better off than she had been. She was possibly getting worse.
The phone rang in her ear and she closed her eyes, praying that he wouldn't pick up and hoping that he would.
"Hello….." the clear, strong voice immediately answered after one ring. He knew it was her and didn't hesitate to answer. She knew he had to be busy; he was always busy. How could he possibly make time for her and her troubles?
"Hi," she responded in a shaky, unsteady voice; hating the insecurity she felt. The one syllable word was all she could manage to croak out. In truth she wanted to cry thinking about all the words that she would have to say; that needed to be said and how weak and helpless it would make her appear. She tensed her body tightly, temporarily drying up a potential well of tears.
After several minutes of silence, Colin spoke up; a clear measure of hope in his voice. Elated by her call, he wanted to talk to her. The prospect of being wanted eased her heart….a bit.
"Olivia? How are you? I heard you had your baby. Congratulations! What's her name? How is everything going?" he rattled off excitedly.
Four questions, she counted. She responded to none.
He paused at the continued silence. The awkward air was so completely out of character for their relationship that it immediately sent off alarms in his mind.
In an entirely different tone; one filled with concern and worry, he tried again, "Olivia, what is wrong?" His determined professional courtesy with her prevented him from taking even the slightest liberties in the past. He would never offend her by encouraging unwanted intimacy of a close friendship with casual phone calls and nick names. But she was initiating contact and her desperation to connect with someone was real and evident. What happened to her?
Barely above a whisper, he pleaded, "Liv, talk to me please."
Her deep breath escaped in a heart-breaking sob, "It's wrong…it's all wrong."
His training of patience and giving encouragement with only with the briefest of words overrode any panic he was experiencing at needing to immediately find out what was wrong and how he could fix it.
"Start from the beginning," he encouraged.
And she did.
XXXXXXX
"That wasn't so bad was it?" Colin offered hoping that she would agree.
At his insistence, they had just visited a doctor he knew personally. When she agreed that he could accompany her to the doctor and be present for the entire visit; he cleared his schedule for several days and immediately made plans to travel from Catalina to Los Angeles. It had been worth it; by his estimation, the appointment had gone extremely well.
Reluctantly she did. "I just hate that this is me…you know what I mean. This shouldn't be me". She wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all – years spent yearning for this life and now being engaged to the man of her dreams, with the most beautiful baby girl in the world and unable to fully appreciate it.
He reached across the Westwood restaurant table and took her hand. "Olivia, remember what Dr. Stanfield said; there is no defect in you. Having postpartum depression doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or failed in anyway. It just happens."
"I know…I know that…I'm a Doctor for God's sake, I know these things happen but….but…." She knew it would take several more visits and time to put into place the plan of action of exercise, therapy and a proper diet to start feeling better. This just wasn't the life she envisioned for herself, Fitz or baby Ava.
She could not overcome the constant thought that her deficiency would limit their happiness.
Colin was rubbing the back of her hand now but there was no trace of impropriety or indicators of crossing boundaries. She felt his friendship even more than she had ever felt before. She needed him as a confidant, a professional and a friend; that was all. And he understood that.
"How is Fitz with all of this?"
He had asked this same question several times before and never received a complete answer.
"He's busy…I don't want to bother him with this. Besides, I'll get better in time. I just….I just need to take care of myself. I start a new Yoga class Monday, the herbalist recommendations and the group sessions with new mothers ought to help as well. He doesn't need to know about this." The fact that she could not meet his eye told him the measure of fear she felt in admitting to what she perceived as a crushing weakness.
He grabbed her hand more firmly; she needed to hear his plea. "Olivia….tell him. Please. He needs to know. He probably already knows something is wrong because you're different. No matter how hard you try to pretend, if I can tell that you're different, I'm sure he can."
She didn't want to cry again but somehow the idea of having that conversation with Fitz scared her even more than she could say. How would it change his view of her? Would he think her unfit to be the mother of his child? Would he not want to have any more children with her or worse not want to marry her at all?
"Olivia", he continued to reason, "You've changed; things have changed. You've got to tell Fitz what is happening."
XXXXXXX
It had taken him much too long to accept that something was wrong; and even longer to realize he needed to do something about it.
He had been too wrapped up in his own sense of contentment and happiness; too absorbed in the wonder of having a beautiful live-in fiancée and a perfect daughter. How could he not be happy? They were existing in a bubble; untouched by sadness or so he thought.
Ava had instantly become almost everything to him. He was filled with wonder and awe at her existence. Morning, noon and night he held her, watching every movement she made; every indication of change and growth. She was his miracle and he was completely overtaken and captivated by her.
It did not take him long to learn her patterns. He woke when she did; bringing her to Olivia for breastfeeding. He burped her; changed her diapers; rocked her to sleep and watched her as she slept.
He still worked; spending most of his days in his study taking business phone calls, video chats and conference calls about his new role; all while his daughter remained cradled in his arms – a natural extension to his body. Even during the rare moments where his daughter made the slightest noise, it was met by gleeful "Ohhs" and "Ahhs" by other participants and more than one person begged to get a glimpse of her beauty.
He was more excited about the role then he thought he would be. Tasks that other actors would consider tedious, like repetitive meetings with Producers and Directors, fed his enthusiasm. Repeatedly, he took unexpected calls from his co-star with requests to review a portion of the script, get his feedback and rehearse a scene.
Now, he could look back and recognize it for what it was - a distraction.
He had been devoted to developing his connection to Ava in his new role as a Father; he had been committed to re-building his career as an Actor, but he hadn't been paying attention to the most important relationship he had, with Olivia. He had put their relationship on autopilot; trusting that it would continue growing without much effort or attention from him.
He couldn't believe he had failed her so badly. The feeling intensified greatly by the further realization that he had no idea how to fix it.
XXXXXXX
"Your Father has called me five times…I'm in the damn hospital recovering and all Gerry wants is a piece of your TV show," Ruth said flatly.
Fitz knew that but that wasn't why he called. "But how are you doing? I called to check on you."
Ruth dismissed her own condition. "I'll be fine, just a few more weeks of lying up in this damned hospital, and then everything will be good."
"That's great…did you need…"
She immediately interrupted him. She was elderly but absolutely hated being fussed over. "Never mind all that…So Roxie is going to be taking over while I'm out of commission."
He liked Roxie. She was a younger, African-American version of Ruth with just as much fire and boldness. He had no doubt of her skills.
Getting back to the business at hand, Ruth updated him, "As we discussed, your Father's production offer for the TV show is going to be rejected. I've reached out to the EP's and convinced them not to do business with him. Be prepared….Gerry is used to getting his way; it's not going to go over well and may create some backlash in your family dynamics."
Fitz shrugged in indifference and somehow Ruth felt it. Chuckling, she continued, "I'm glad you agreed to do the show. Trust me; it's going to be fantastic for your career."
He almost shrugged again but stopped himself. He should be happier; much more excited but the current state of his home life stifled the positive emotions he wanted to feel.
"It's been a long time since you stepped in front of the camera, so prepare yourself for the promo work that will be coming before you know it. That means a full round of interviews, photo shoots, press junkets and parties. You'll need your personal assistant, Jeremy, back to travel with you."
Fitz sighed; promotional work was never his favorite. "He works for the studio. I'll check to see if he's available and if Gerry will release him."
"Fitz," Ruth started and paused for emphasis before continuing, "They are going to want you to play up the affair and desire between your characters. You're very attractive people, with amazing chemistry. It's not going to take much for fans to start wishing and hoping for a real-life relationship between you two. Your interactions in interviews should encourage the fandom; flirtatious hints and all that. You know its all part of the game."
Fitz sighed again, much deeper this time. He knew 'the game'; played it several times; hell he even encouraged it in some of the actors of his own movies. He also knew that Ruth, being very familiar with his past experiences, was actually encouraging him to prepare Olivia.
XXXXXXX
They lived like roommates - not lovers, not best friends - overly kind roommates and she was beginning to hate people being nice to her.
Everyone walked on eggshells around her; afraid she'd crack when the wrong word was said.
Even Sarah, the housekeeper who used to clean Fitz's home three times a week and had now agreed to a full time, live in arrangement, was overly accommodating – giving her things before or without her even asking for them.
Ever since she told Fitz a little of what was happening, he had changed the way he treated her and encouraged or forced others to do the same. Nothing was natural anymore; everything felt robotic, mechanical. They had no conversations about anything anymore; they shared nothing. He agreed to everything she said; he had no opinions or feedback for fear of upsetting her.
The worst part of it, the absolute worst was that she had been cleared to resume sexual intimacy with him, yet nothing had happened. She felt less and less desirable these days. The sexual being that had awakened with him seemed to have retreated and disappeared and she struggled to rekindle the feeling again. This was yet another aspect of her life where she felt like a hopeless failure.
Her private therapist counseled her to give it time; life would eventually resume as normal.
But this was frustrating to the extreme. It had been almost three months since Ava's birth and life was far from normal.
She hoped that getting out of the house and going to the casting party for Fitz' new show might lift her spirits. She couldn't remember the last time she and Fitz went out on a date and was really looking forward to meeting new people and being with him; no matter how reluctant he had been to go.
"We don't have to go…I mean this is an optional event. Everyone understands that with the new baby, we can't really leave the house that often," Fitz had said to her as he opened the door to let his mother in the house, who had agreed to babysit for the evening.
Olivia couldn't control the hurt feelings. He had already asked her at least five times whether she really wanted to go and each time she had agreed, emphatically. But he still doubted her answer. Did he really not want to take her and this was just his way of getting out of it?
"Would you prefer to go alone?" she asked from across the room in a small, disappointed voice.
"Hi Loves," Elle greeted them happily, which quickly dissipated when she felt the thick air of tension in the room.
"Hi Mom," Fitz said as he kissed her on the cheek, never taking his eyes off of Olivia. "No!...I mean I'll do whatever you want to do. If you want me to stay, I'll stay, if you want me to go, I'll go; whatever makes you happy."
Olivia rolled her eyes heavenward and prayed for patience. She forced a smile and through clinched teeth, responded firmly, "We are going."
"But…." Fitz started but Elle perceptively intervened. "Olivia said you are going Dear….so you are. Now leave so I can spend time with my grandchild?"
Now as they drove to the event in an impregnable silence, with only the sound of his playlist low in the background, Olivia wondered how they would be in public. Being with Fitz at any time, in any setting, never worried her before but now his uncertainty fueled her own and she had no clue what would happen.
"So, tell me about your cast mates," she inquired to break the silence. He hadn't talked to her about the role in over a month. All she knew was that he would have meetings in his study and at times need to go to the studio for face-to-face discussions, but when she would ask, he would dismissively respond, "Everything's fine…how are you feeling?"
He stole a sideways glance to her, trying to estimate her mood, "Uh…sure…."
She always loved the sound of his voice and became fully engaged, hanging on every word as he began to speak.
XXXXXXX
In their own distinct ways, both Olivia and Fitz were determined to make the night an enjoyable occasion for the other person.
The feel of his arm wrapped around her waist as he guided her through the sea of guests gave her a sense of relaxation and peace. It felt like the 'old' Fitz. He eagerly introduced her to every person he knew; skillfully included her in every conversation and whenever she spoke was sure to give her his full attention. After feeling insecure and uncertain for so long, this was like a breath of fresh air.
When she met the leading actress, his co-star, she was a little taken aback by the uncanny resemblance to herself. They were literally the same height, build and carried similar facial features. Olivia could only stare as they were introduced.
"Olivia, this is Marisa Williamson. Marisa, this is my fiancée Dr. Olivia Pope." The two women greeted each other cordially, with a curiosity that held no contempt or superficial feelings.
"Oh my God…you two look so much alike," said one of Fitz's co-stars, Carter Sage, in genuine amazement, but with quite a bit of humor.
Fitz looked from one woman to another as if he had just noticed the similarity at that very moment. He frowned in realization of how this could possibly make Olivia feel.
"Do we?" Marisa asked as she stared more at Olivia with a widening smile. "If so, I take that as a compliment because you are gorgeous."
"Uh…thank you," Olivia responded, losing a bit of the confidence she had just minutes ago. She felt Fitz grip on her waist tighten in support and was glad to feel his warmth.
She watched as Carter, a handsome young African-American man, with an easy disposition who was obviously the joker of the group, called over other cast mates to witness this marvel of similarity. "Hey guys look at this, Fitz' "work wife" and "home wife" look exactly alike," he joked.
"Stop it guys…. Don't make Olivia feel uncomfortable," Marisa chastised the group with a sympathetic smile to Olivia. She ushered them away before turning back to Fitz and Olivia with an apology.
"So," Marisa began in an effort to change the subject to something less awkward. "You know they are planning to show our screen test tonight."
"What?" Fitz asked in shock as he groaned inwardly. He hadn't had a chance to prepare Olivia for what she would see. He recalled that their chemistry test was rather intimate and included an intense, passionate kiss that, as the script read, "could easily lead to something more, had the lovers not been interrupted."
"Yeah, they're pretty proud of it….So," Marisa ended with a shrug before being led away into another conversation and saying goodbye to Fitz and Olivia.
Olivia wished she could have a drink…something strong and numbing.
"What are you thinking?" Fitz asked carefully.
"I'm thinking I would love to have a drink right now but I'm breastfeeding, so you know…." Olivia shrugged in acceptance of her situation.
"Olivia I need to explain… to prepare you for what they are showing tonight….I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
Determined to remain in a good mood and be supportive as Fitz' partner, she coolly encouraged him to explain.
XXXXXXX
Fitz had seriously downplayed the intensity of their chemistry test. Seriously.
Olivia was left speechless. For one, she had never seen Fitz act and she marveled at his ability. The screen test was not long but he had convinced her that he could become this character. His interaction with Marisa was natural, organic and believable. As acting partners, it was clear that they were going to excel in this show and gain fan support from anyone who watched. They were, for lack of a better word, magic.
And their intimacy; their passion with one another was amazing. Olivia could not take her eyes off of them. They had her completely captivated, mesmerized. They left her wanting more; which was a completely disconcerting feeling. And she had no idea where it came from.
How could she be aroused watching her fiancée kiss another woman? That was crazy. But she felt something. And she knew it could only be explained by desire; she wanted him.
The scene was met by overwhelming applause and cheers of approval by the entire cast and crew. They were obviously proud of their lead actors and supportive of their roles. Olivia found herself clapping for them as well.
"Congratulations, you were great!' Olivia said genuinely. She meant it. Fitz had performed wonderfully and she was confident that he would carry the show to great popularity. Fitz appeared doubtful of her sincerity and she repeated her words with even greater fervor.
"Speech…..speech…." came shouts from several of the guests. It was a call for Marisa and Fitz, as the acting leads of the show, to address the cast and crew. Fitz appeared reluctant, content to allow Marisa to take the accolades but after prodding him several times, he finally gave in and accompanied her to the center of the room.
Fitz handed the microphone to Marisa, encouraging her to speak for the both of them. She gave him a knowing look, a bright smile and accepted the microphone.
"Well….I want to say that I am so proud of this project and the work we are all doing. Everyone, each one of you have played a part and will continue to play a part in the show's success and I appreciate you. We are doing something that has never been done on TV; it's groundbreaking and I know the audience will appreciate it, support it and eventually fall in love with it," she turned to Fitz, "because I know I have."
The audience broke out into a raucous applause.
When they finally calmed down, she continued. "This man standing right here beside me is a gem. I never thought I would have such an amazing acting partner. He is a genuinely beautiful human being who has continued to support me, encourage me and build me up every step of the way. I actually look forward to coming to work and being with him. I cannot wait for the world to see the amazing work we've done together. Thank you Fitz….thank you everyone."
She could see Fitz' ears turn a crimson shade from the embarrassment of such praise but Olivia had no doubts that all of what Marisa said was 100% true. She watched as Marisa kissed Fitz on the cheek and they parted; she to her friends and cast mates, Fitz to her.
He studied her face for some inclination of how she felt but in truth Olivia had no idea how to feel.
XXXXXXX
"Catalina sounds beautiful, like paradise," said Katherine or Kitty, as everyone called her; a young actress from a small town in the mid-west who came to LA about 2 years ago, chasing stardom.
This was her first major acting role and her excitement was contagious. She had an exuberance about her that was innocent and refreshing. Olivia found herself laughing and smiling with her more than she had in months.
"Why did you come to LA?"
For Fitz. "Well, it was time for a change."
"Will you ever go back?"
"I….I'm not sure. Who knows what life has in store." Her being here in LA right now was not part of the plan. She was supposed to be in their home in Catalina. But then she would be there and Fitz would be here; they would be separate and alone. She didn't much like that thought either.
"You know once upon a time, when I was little girl, I wanted to be a large animal Vet."
"Really?" Olivia asked, genuinely intrigued. "What made you change your mind?"
"Oh, you know, I got the acting bug in school plays and drama study. But I still have a love for animals. They're my second love, after acting….Do you have a practice here in LA?"
She sounded so excited by the prospect, Olivia wondered if she was interested in a backup career in case this acting thing didn't work out.
"No I don't."
"You have to miss it though, don't you? Do you want to practice again?"
Desperately. It took a moment for Olivia to respond. She couldn't recall the last time anyone asked her about her career.
"I do."
The brief, casual answer was enough for Kitty to build on their mutual love of animals. She continued a mostly one-sided conversation about animal charities and volunteering at shelters. Thankfully an inserted head nod of agreement every now and then was sufficient participation in the discussion and encouragement for her to continue; leaving Olivia to analyze her thoughts about her career and future.
XXXXXXX
"Dance with me."
He had been watching her from across the room. Engaged as he was in the varied conversations from several people clamoring for his attention, his gaze had always found itself drifting back to her.
The emotional separation he felt hurt more and more each day. They lived in the same house, slept in the same bed but he never felt so distant. He didn't want to call it a rift because there was no specific issue at which they were on opposing sides; they had not argued or disagreed about anything. It would almost be easier if they had because then they could talk about it, resolve it, make up and connect again. But this was different – much more painful and distressing - and whatever it was, he wanted it gone,
It had taken her a moment to realize the penetrating eyes that remained focused on her.
After being in the house for months with limited social interaction, she was rather proud that she hadn't lost her ability to carry on conversations about a variety of subjects with all sorts of people. Granted some people were a bit too sarcastic and rude for her taste but overall, she enjoyed mingling with everyone.
When their eyes finally locked, her breath was caught. What was it? Desire? Need? Devotion? A mixture of them all?
She fumbled over her next thought and stopped mid-sentence; excusing herself from her own conversation to make her way to him. A man, whose name she could not recall, continued in his attempts to capture his attention but was failing. Fitz immediately excused himself as Olivia approached.
"Are you OK?" he quickly asked.
Her jaw clenched. She knew he would ask her that and although she screamed internally in frustration, she purposefully diverted his attention by taking both his hands in hers and requesting a dance.
When was the last time they had danced and held each other this way?
As the song, "Die For You" by The Weeknd thrummed through the speakers, he guided her to a corner of the dance floor and without hesitation, like magnets, they drew closer and closer together. A welcome, perfect fit. But it was not enough to satiate what was building within them.
A gentle glide; a slight sway; their bodies humming, pulsating with each beat of the melody.
Mirrored in sensual rhythm on cue; grinding, creating the most delicious friction. He stared down at her with such intensity that Olivia became breathless. A gasped escaped her involuntarily. That craving she had not felt in so long began to rise within and would not be ignored. His skin, her skin, heating the veins causing the blood to ignite.
He could feel his ears turning scarlet, flaming his skin; a clear sign of his heightened emotions. Fitz knew that whatever they had gone through up to now, or would go through in the future was worth it. To feel the way he did with her in his arms, the energy that seemed to flow between them back and forth fueled him from the inside out. His hand traveled down from her waist to the curve of her ass, in effect moving her closer; molding her to him as one erotic being; allowing no one and nothing to come between.
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of horizontal desire." And from the moment their bodies melded, desire flamed within them. It was as if an abandoned oasis had received a sudden downpour to quench the thirst. In this moment, neither would feel the loneliness that had been crippling them for months. Time and distance held no consequence; nothing else mattered but the way they felt for each other.
"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he praised easily. And it was the truth. He adored her and still found it difficult to rationalize what she saw in him.
She smiled then; flushing under the compliment. He wanted to kiss her but something held him back and it wasn't the people or the venue. It was something else: fear. Because he did not fully understand what was happening to her, he did not want to push too far, too fast. He did not want to appear insensitive of her condition or callous in selfishly seeking his own desires. He no longer trusted himself to read her properly; no longer had the confidence in their relationship to know that his needs matched her own.
"I love you," she said fervently.
"I love you too," he responded, accepting that for now the declaration would have to be enough to sustain him. Because as hard as he tried, he could not remember the last time she voluntarily spoke those words to him.
XXXXXXX
"Sweets."
For some reason that word popped in her mind; a term of endearment that Fitz had not called her since Ava was born. It was a term connected directly to their intimacy. And she realized just how much their lives had altered with the birth of their daughter. Other than the too brief dance they shared this evening, they had no intimacy together. None, whatsoever.
She thought he would've kissed her on the dance floor. She had yearned for it; hoping that it would be an opening through the doorway back to who they truly were. Perhaps it could have sparked something between them that until tonight, until that dance, she didn't realize how much she wanted and needed, but lacked the courage to initiate.
But when the song ended, it was like cold water poured over him and he released her; retreating back to a position of politeness instead of passion.
Beyond physical intimacy, tonight she met with a full understanding of how much of Fitz' life she had missed over the past three months. When had he filmed the chemistry test? When had he filmed the scenes Marisa so lavishly praised him for? Why had he not shared any of that with her? It felt like he had another life that he had not chosen to include her in until he was forced to by taking her to the event tonight.
"I'm going to take a shower," she said as she began to undress in their bedroom.
"Ok," he said as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Before, he would have been fighting to join her. Whether they had sex or not, he would have just wanted to be near her; to feel her against him. But now, nothing. This quiet resignation was screwing with her head and her emotions.
She had had enough. "I. HATE. THIS!" she said, loud enough to cut through the room but mindful of Ava sleeping in the next room.
"What?" Fitz said, eyebrows rose in surprise at her outburst.
She turned to face him and repeated, "I. HATE. THIS!...This existence we have where we don't talk, we don't share, we don't argue.. We do NOTHING!"
"Olivia, I'm not trying to…."
"Do not say that you are not trying to upset me because guess what…I am already upset. I'm angry at you Fitz!" She emphasized as she came closer to him, finger pointed at his chest.
"Me? What did I do?"
"You have done NOTHING…absolutely nothing!"
He was even more confused; barely holding on to his patience. "This doesn't make any sense…..I have only tried to accommodate you, not upset you, be understanding and not bother you."
"So you're basically being a coward and bowing out!"
"A coward!?" he responded in near outrage and disbelief at her assessment of him.
She folded her arms and stared at him; daring him to deny it.
He took a deep breath. She was trying to get a rise out of him and he wasn't going to take the bait. Someone had to keep a cool level head and it obviously was not going to be her. "You are obviously not feeling well and you need to calm down. Why don't you go and take a shower; it'll help relax you."
"Don't you dare patronize me as if my feelings are not valid…don't you dare!"
"What the HELL do you want from me Olivia?!"
"I want you to be present in this relationship. I want you to be front and center. I don't want to be the last one to know what is going on in your life Fitz."
"I've apologized for that…I didn't handle that well and I apologized," he reminded her.
"You apologized for not telling me before we got there tonight. What about when you were filming Fitz? What about WHAT you were filming? What about the role? What about how you feel about your beautiful co-star who just happens to be my twin?...Didn't you think I would like to have known all of that? To share in what you're doing?"
"I….I" he struggled for the right words to say and what to say to her, "I couldn't share all of that with you because…."
"Because what…." she asked impatiently.
"Because…."
"Why?"
He sighed; he would have to tell her everything. "Because, I had no idea how to deal with this situation Olivia!" he finally blustered out. He took another long defeated breath. He wanted to explain, but how to do so without appearing as if you've given up?
"I'm lost here Liv. Some days you're up; some days you're down. Some days you barely want to look at me or acknowledge my presence. I try to give you space, hoping it will help. But honestly I have no idea what to do. So I didn't want to tell you anything that could upset you or make you withdraw from me any further. I walk around here unsure of what to say, how to say it or when to say it."
In the silence they separated to two different sides of the room. Olivia dropped into the loveseat sofa and put her head in her hands. When she finally looked up, Fitz instantly regretted his outburst. The look on her face nearly did him in.
"Olivia," he started to walk toward her; to comfort her; to apologize again, for what, he didn't know. For telling the truth?
Her words stopped him. "Fitz", she said barely above a whisper, "If you have been feeling that way, then can you imagine what I've been feeling? Some days, I feel like I'm in darkness and I can't see the light and it scares me because I don't know what to do. I want to reach for you but I'm afraid that if you really knew what was inside me, you wouldn't be there.
"I can't even enjoy my precious baby girl…my miracle," she cried. "I think….was I not supposed to have her? Did I not deserve her? Maybe that's why I can't soothe her, like you can. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time breastfeeding her.
"I'm exhausted but I can't sleep because when I do, I have nightmares. I hear her crying for me even when she doesn't. I have visions of her starving to death because I can't feed her properly. I dream about you leaving the house and dying in a horrible car crash. I dream of being left alone and I'm terrified.
"But when you stay, when you're here, it's like a reminder of how much of a failure of a mother I am. Ava adores you but me…..," she shook her head, struggling to continue but knew she was at the point of no return now. It was time for full disclosure.
"Most days Fitz, I want to hide away. I'm tired of the persistent thoughts that we aren't okay, that our baby is not okay and that we aren't going to make it. And it's all my fault.
"I want to let these feelings go; I want to be who I was before but it's hard. I now have to do all these extra, other things to work on me; things I've never had to do before. I have to try harder to find myself again.
"And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that when I finally do, when I finally get to where I can feel normal, you won't be there."
He reached her in two strides and physically lifted her out of her seat and held her tightly, praying that the comfort he offered would somehow be enough to sooth her worries. She began to weep against his chest and he held her even closer, repeating his declaration of constancy. He would never leave her; he could never leave; it would be like giving up his own life.
"But I am a hypocrite," she mumbled against his chest, once she calmed enough to speak.
"What?" He was once again confused by the sudden shift in conversation.
She lifted her head and regarded him with puffy eyes and hazy vision. He was so patient, understanding and kind. Feelings of guilt came flooding in and once again she felt unworthy of him. Why did he love her? She was a miserable mess.
She eased off his lap and stood before him, between his outstretched legs; hugging herself as a means of support for what she was about to say. "I'm sorry Fitz."
"Sorry, for what?"
"Sorry that I didn't confide in you sooner. You should have been the person that I run to, that I tell everything to. Instead….instead I called Colin. I'm attacking you for not talking to me when I've done the same thing to you."
Abruptly, he turned his head away and she saw his jaw clench once and again in suppressed anger.
"Don't….please. Please don't turn away. Please listen to me." When he finally turned to her, she was so relieved, that she cradled his hands in hers and sat next to him. "I was afraid. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear the look in your eyes when I told you everything. It would be too much," she admitted. "But it was Colin who convinced me that I was wrong. I needed to trust you with the deepest darkest part of me; confident that you would still love me after you knew."
He stared at her, trying to comprehend the depth of her emotions; attempting to put himself in her situation; sympathizing with the crippling fear she had been living with these past few months. He thought he had a right to be bothered but why, because Colin was a man? Would he feel the same way if she had confided in Kelsey? He knew there was nothing between them and would never be, so what would his anger accomplish except widening the gap between them? Continued distance would resolve nothing. If they were to heal, they must do so together. He wanted his family – her and their daughter. He needed them both.
"Forgive me," she whispered.
But he had already resolved, there was nothing to forgive, nothing at all.
XXXXXXX
After she breastfed Ava, Fitz encouraged her to take a long bath, while he insisted on rocking the baby back to sleep. She almost protested, thinking that even after their talk he was reverting back to the overly-accommodating atmosphere they had endured over the past few months. But she realized she really wanted the bath; she needed it. Unloading all those emotions had been exhausting.
Her soak lasted longer than she intended and when she finally emerged; she fully expected him to be fast asleep.
What she encountered when she re-entered their bedroom left her speechless.
Her eyes stung with fresh tears threatening to fall. Golden candlelight was contrasting brilliance and casting shadows in all the right places over their large bedroom suite. The glow was radiant. His music playlist played softly in the background. And he stood there in the middle of the room, patiently waiting for her; bare chested, hair still dripping from his own shower.
She took several tenuous steps toward him with a small smile of anticipation forming. And then as if her mind suddenly betrayed her body, the anxiety returned and she stopped. He had not seen her completely naked since the birth, would he still be attracted to her? What if her body was not really ready for sex? Would it hurt her? Would she feel the ecstasy she always felt with him before?
He understood and sensed the reason for her hesitation. "Tell me what you would like to do?"
"I…" she bit her bottom lip trying to force her mind to accept what her body desperately needed.
"Be honest with me…please."
His voice was so deep and rich, flowing over her like a slow pour of honey.
"I want to look at you and touch you." She said firmly, not really knowing where it came from but surprised by how much more anticipation continued to build at just the opportunity. Why did she feel like a virgin girl in her first sexual experience? This was Fitz, she screamed internally, they knew each other in the most intimate ways, enjoyed each other constantly. There was no need to hesitate.
He certainly did not hesitate. Without removing his eyes from hers, he removed his pajama pants. He counseled himself in patience. He would only do what she wanted; no more, no less. She would lead them back to sexual intimacy at her pace, not his. She had to feel all the power and control.
And then the electricity returned, drawing her to him, like an uncontrollable force. "You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen," she said returning the compliment, as her hands glided all over his body; in admiration of his taut solid muscular frame. He chuckled at the comment and she could feel the vibrations under his skin. She walked around him, not once but twice as he kept his arms to his side during the inspection.
When she stood before him once again, she untied her silk robe and allowed it to fall to the floor. "Why didn't you kiss me earlier?" she asked playfully.
"I was an idiot."
"Yes, you were."
"Do you want me to touch you now?"
Her mouth couldn't form the word, she could only nod.
"Where….where do you want me to touch you?"
"I want you everywhere….everywhere but especially here." She guided his hand toward her center and they both groan in pleasure.
She reached up and pulled his head down to hers. There was no gentle kiss, there was only hunger. Their lips barely touched before their mouths opened to completely consume one another. Their tongues battled for domination, heads slanting over and over again.
She felt his fingers caressing her, rubbing her before one finger entered her and then another. Instinctively, she rocked against him; moaning in his mouth, the piercing feeling brimming within her, threatening to spill over.
He withdrew from her and she whimpered from the loss of his touch. She frowned in confusion until he picked her up and carried her to the bed. He was careful not to come over her but allow them to face each other.
"I've missed you so much Fitz," she said as her hand came up to caress his face. She hated to disappoint him and ruin such a beautiful moment but she needed to be honest. "But, what if…what if I can't quite…it might hurt to…."
He wouldn't allow for her sadness. Placing kisses all over her face, he reassured her. "I am yours Sweets…I belong to you. I'm here to take care of you." He emphasized his words with fingers that explored her once again – leisurely, slowly, deliberately.
Her eyes were rolling back into her head. "Keep your eyes on me", he directed, a breath away from her lips.
It was a struggle but she did. Staring into his darkened blue eyes created a fever; she was losing control fast, crashing against him, thrusting uncontrollably. "I need…I need you!"
Without explanation, he knew exactly what she needed. Putting one of her legs over his waist, he placed himself within her folds and the contact was fire, they groaned loudly unable to contain themselves. Sounds echoed, bouncing off the walls of their bedroom.
A pushing and pulling began, her wetness coating him; his wetness spilling over her thigh. When her patience ran out, she took over. She reached down and held him against her; stroking the bulging vein; trapping him against her; his hardness creating the most exquisite friction to her softened middle. The nails of one hand dug into his shoulder, a signal to him not to move and he obeyed. She rode his shaft deftly, allowing for the most sensitive part of her to receive all the attention.
Twice, maybe three times, his tip quivered at the feel of her entrance, begging for admission and he clenched his jaw to control the urge to capture the sensation of her tightness. He could wait; he had to. She wasn't ready for full penetration.
She captured his mouth again; biting his lip because she was about to come and it was hitting her hard and deep.
She screamed over and over again; her body was convulsing, she moved faster, stroked him faster; allowing their combined wetness to lubricate. Then she felt the little death to her core. And her screams of passion triggered his own and he came right after her.
"Are you okay?" she heard him ask her moments later.
One eye popped open and she smiled. For once, the question did not bother her at all. Her body was starting to reassemble itself; her bones were beginning to reposition and support movement once again.
"Better than," she offered as her smile deepened. She rose up and cuddled against him, laying her head against his chest; listening to the steady beat of his heart. His arms came around to encircle her.
Her fingers toyed with the fine hairs on his chest. "I was afraid that I wouldn't feel it again….with you. I was afraid it was gone."
Trailing a finger up and down her spine, he reasoned, "This will never go away. What we feel for each other is too strong. Nothing can change it; nothing can come between that." He stopped his motion and asked, "Do you believe that?"
She rose up and stared into his eyes. She felt like she had been granted access to see inside his soul. She could search within him and know and feel the sincerity, the firm conviction of his words. The truth of it was there. She could see it, touch it, and allow it to steady her. Her life was like a puzzle with many pieces and even as she tried to fit them all together – exercise, support groups, therapy, self-care, family, career - to create a complete picture, she realized that it would remain unsteady, ungrounded, unbalanced unless she had him.
"I do."
(A/N: I truly am sorry for the super long delay. Thank you to anyone still interested in reading about their journey.)
