A/N: Thank you all for your support on the last chapter, as always it is SO appreciated. This is a longer one, so I hope you all enjoy!

I won't bore you with a long A/N, I just want to say I hope you are all staying healthy during these crazy times! If you don't already, feel free to follow me on twitter for more Dawsey sh*t posting and story updates. shelbersmarie_

For those that read You'll Get It And Be Gone - it was updated the other day, so check that out!


Hermann

"What are you doing, Lieutenant?"

Casey had his toolbox spread out on the floor behind the island, a door to the cabinet laid beside him.

He looks up to me for a moment, before looking back to the screws he was sizing to apparently fix the door.

"In Mouch's haste to get to his cookies, he managed to rip the door out of its hinges." He was clearly unimpressed, but there was no denying the amusing hint to his tone.

I smirk as Mouch peaks around the island, clearly scared of our Lieutenant. "Can you fix it?"

Casey stops what he is doing, turning to him with a raised brow, "It's a cabinet door Mouch, not brain surgery." He quips. Mouch scowls before heading back to his couch. I shake my head, Casey and I both shared a chuckle before he nods to the door.

"Hold this up for me?" He asks, putting three of the screws in his mouth as he holds the other up to the hinge. I grab the door and hold it up, Casey seamlessly fitting it back into place. "There, that should hold it till Mouch's next run for cookies." He teases, putting his tools away and standing up.

Casey goes to put his tools away in his office and I settle around the table, about to pull the paper to me, when the double doors open and I am up out of my seat.

"Hey! There she is!" I holler a large smile filling my face.

Gabriella Dawson had not been in this firehouse in nearly three months, all of us had barely seen her since she left the hospital. We had all wanted to give her time to heal and hadn't wanted to intrude.

"Dawson!"

Gabby smiles brightly, "Hey guys." I pull her into a hug, holding her close.

"How are you doing, kid?"

She smiles a real happy genuine smile. "I'm good, Hermann."

My eyes avert to the stroller she had pushed in, finding the sleeping 10-week-old. "And how is this little guy?" If possible, an even bigger smile fills her features.

"He is perfect." She says softly, her eyes trained on her son.

I smile, I had always known Gabby would be an amazing mother, never a doubt. She was only proving me correct right now.

The guys have all surrounded us now, pulling Gabby into their own hugs. All of us just happy to see our girl after we faced so much uncertainty about her only a few short months ago.

Severide walks down the hall, seeing his roommate and godson for the first time. "Dawson? What's going on?" He questions, concern hitting his face.

Gabby raises a brow. "What? Nothing, everything is good. Just thought it was time to come pay you all a visit."

Severide nods, the concern leaving him and being replaced with a smirk. "Well then. While I get enough of you back at the apartment, I will never turn away a visit from my godson." He teases her.

"Always so charming," Gabby grumbles back, rolling her eyes at the Lieutenant.

Gabby wheels the stroller into the room, locking the wheels into place and looking up at the waiting eyes around her, a grin falling onto her lips. "When he wakes up you can all hold him... but not until he wakes up." She clarifies.

We all sigh, so excited to get to hold the newest member of this family, but I smirk. "Spoken like a true Momma Bear," I tell her softly, I can feel the pride in my own eyes shining.

Gabby shakes her head laughing softly, looking to her son with loving eyes, ignoring my comment.

"Gabby?" We all look up to see our Lieutenant standing in the doorway, confusion, and concern filling his features.

The brunette paramedic smiles. "Matt. Hey... uh, we just stopped for a visit." She tells him, the tension leaving Casey's face and being replaced with a smile as he moves to us all.

"Getting too bored at the apartment?" He asks knowingly, a smirk on his face.

Gabby sighs, nodding quickly. "Oh my God, so damn bored." She admits, earning laughs from all of the house. "No one tells you how boring it is after you have healed from the surgery. And he sleeps... a lot." She says, he brows furrowing, "There is only so much cleaning and working out I can do while he is sleeping. He eats, and he plays for like a half-hour or so, and then he just sleeps."

I shake my head at her, "Dawson, cherish that, soon they start crawling, and talking, and walking, and they never stop." I tease, though I know just how true my words are.

Gabby laughs, Matt grinning as well. "God help us when those days come," Casey says.

The house settles around in the common room, all happy to have Dawson back, even if it was for only a visit.

Dawson

"So, when can we expect to see you back here Dawson?" Mouch asks, pulling me from the conversation I had been having with Brett.

I feel myself tense slightly, unsure of exactly how to answer. "Uh, I don't know... I knew from the beginning I wanted to stay out until Jesse was 3 months."

"But isn't that in a couple of weeks?" Mills asks, and I look to him before my eyes move to Jesse resting in Hermann's arms.

I nod to Mills. "Yeah, uh he will be three months on the 18th." I knew this didn't fully answer their question about me coming back to work. Truthfully, I didn't have the full answers to that. "I uh, I can't finish my candidacy at 51, guys," I tell them softly, averting my eyes down to the table in front of me.

You could hear a pin drop in the common room, everyone getting silent as my words sink in. Hermann looks to Casey in question, "What? Is that true, Lieutenant?"

My eyes meet Matt's from across the room and I watch him sigh. "Look, this isn't my decision guys. The Chief made an exception back when Dawson was allowed to be on 81, and with everything that has happened since then the Chief just isn't sure it's a great idea to do that again." Matt tells them, and though I know it's true, the part he wasn't saying... the part I hadn't mentioned again since before having Jesse was that I wasn't sure if I could be a firefighter again. I wasn't sure if I could run into a burning building now that Jesse was here.

Matt and I hadn't talked about it again since I had brought it up in his office what felt like a lifetime ago now, but with me being able to go back to work in the next few weeks, I knew we needed to have a discussion about it all.

"Bu-, but Dawson you only have two months left of your candidacy..." Hermann interjects.

I offer him a soft smile, "I know." I tell him. It was true, I only had two months left to finish my candidacy before I was a full-fledged firefighter. That was the other part of this that was at the forefront of my mind when it came to making a career decision. Moving back to ambo had been an idea, but I knew I was almost done with my candidacy and it made me want to at least finish that. I wanted to at least get that done so that if I ever changed my mind, it made it easier to go back if I wanted. If I didn't finish out my candidacy now, then by the time I wanted to go back, I would have to start all over again.

I didn't know what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to continue my dream of being a firefighter or go back to being a paramedic. One thing I did know, being here at the house with everyone, that was something I wasn't ready to give up. It was hitting me as I sat amongst the members of firehouse 51 that I could have worked my last shift here. When I worked it, I had no idea it would be my last. I never got to cherish my last shift with these people who had been such a big part of my life. I never got to cherish working with all of them one last time, working in this house.

I was not ready to give up this place, these people, I just didn't know what to do.

"I haven't decided what I am doing yet," I tell them, honestly. "I don't know. I just need some time to figure all of that out."

The guys nod, as understanding as they can be, and I am happy when the topic changes, thanks to Hermann. "Well, you know we got your back no matter what kid. But, speaking of you feeling better, what do you say to joining us for a night at Molly's tomorrow? Huh? Been forever since you've been there."

I smile brightly, I had missed Molly's. "Deal, I'll see if Antonio wants to come watch his nephew for a couple of hours, but only on one condition," I tell him, Hermann raises a brow in question.

"Let me work Molly's?" I ask. "Like you said, it's been forever! I need a night behind that bar, and besides, I can't really drink right now with breastfeeding."

Hermann smirks, holding his hand out that didn't have Jesse cradled in it. "You've got yourself a deal, Gabriella Dawson."

I push my rolling chair over to him, shaking his hand, my eyes moving to my son in his arms.

Hermann follows my eyes, a smirk growing on his face. "You want him back, huh?" He asks knowingly.

I shake my head quickly, "No, no, you've got him, it's okay." I say unconvincingly, the strong pull to hold him becoming prominent. Thankfully Hermann gives me another knowing smile, ignoring my words as he carefully transfers Jesse into my arms.

"You don't fool me, Dawson. Never apologize for needing to be near your kid. Happens to the best of us." He teases.

I offer him a smile back before focusing my attention on Jesse. He was still wide awake. I snuggle him close, breathing him in as I place a kiss to his cheek. When I pull him away, he smiles at me, a noise of excitement leaving his lips. He was so damn cute, it killed me.

Casey

I smile as I walk into the apartment after shift, it is quiet in our place. Gabby and Jesse nowhere to be found, so I can only assume they are in our bedroom. The remnants of what I can only assume was either a long night or early morning scattered around the normally clean apartment.

There was laundry sitting in a basket by the couch half folded, Jesse's blanket was laid on the floor with his toys on it where I can only assume Gabby had him down for tummy time earlier. Though it was a mess compared to how we normally kept our place, any mess that came from the reminder of parenthood was a welcome one, one that left me with a feeling of fullness I never would tire of.

Kelly moves down the hall to his bedroom and I hear the door close behind him. I set my bag down and move around the dining room, picking up a couple of things and putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

Gabby had spent a couple hours at the firehouse yesterday before heading home, and I have to admit, it was nice getting to spend time there with her. I had realized while we were talking to the guys about the possibility of Gabby coming back to work that I wasn't ready for her to be done at 51. I knew Chief had said months ago that Gabby and I could not be allowed to work on 81 together again... I knew all his reasons were valid. I understood his concerns, but part of me hoped Chief had made that decision with the thought in mind that Gabby and I would be back together by the time she was ready to come back to work... and we weren't. As much as that thought hurt, it was true, and we were no further to being back together now than we were back then. We weren't back together; we were not a couple right now. So really, there was nothing stopping us from working together again.

Back then, when Chief talked to me about us not working together, I had excepted it. I hadn't really realized what that would mean for Gabby. We had thought she would get to work more at that time, we had thought she at least had a couple of weeks left of working, and then everything happened and she was unable to. I don't think either Gabby or I considered when she stopped working that she had so little time left of her candidacy left. I hated that she wouldn't be able to finish her last couple of months out at the house she considered home.

Which is why I had talked to Chief last night on shift, after Gabby and Jesse had left.

I had talked to him about what her options were if she wanted to come back. The Chief had agreed, if Gabby wanted to finish out her candidacy at 51 he would let her. He would let her back on truck 81 for the remainder of her candidacy, but as soon as that was up; if Gabby decided to stay a firefighter, she had to move companies.

I knew Gabby would likely not be happy with my medaling in her career once again, but I saw her yesterday. I saw her when we were talking about her coming back. I saw her when it settled in that she had worked her last shift at 51. I saw the look in her eyes. Whether Gabby would ever admit it to me or not, she was sad, upset, and she did not want to leave 51. Though I couldn't completely prevent that from happening after she finished her candidacy; I could at least buy her more time.

I wouldn't apologize for that.

I would never apologize for doing things that helped Gabby, that protected her, that made her happy. I would never apologize for being there for her... for loving her.

I hated how far we had let our relationship fall. We had said we would talk about everything, we would work through and come out on the other side, but we hadn't talked about it. Things became so hectic after Jesse was born with Gabby recovering and now, we were exhausted parents taking care of a newborn.

I moved into our bedroom and smiled at the sight in front of me. Gabby was asleep in the middle of our bed, Jesse lying beside her with her arm wrapped around him holding him close. I could tell she was exhausted and had clearly had a long night.

I changed from my shift clothes into some pajamas and carefully lifted Jesse off the bed and put him in his bassinet, happy when he doesn't stir at all as he is placed down.

I turn the light off that Gabby had left on and carefully pull the covers over her as I settle down into bed next to her. She stirs as I settle in next to her. Her eyes flying open when she realizes Jesse isn't next to her. I rest a hand on her side, calming her down. "He's in his crib, he is fine," I assure. She takes a deep breath, nodding, before settling back down into bed.

"How was shift?" She asks tiredly. I wanted to talk to her about what had happened with the Chief, but I could see just how exhausted she was. I scooted closer to her, bringing her into my arms where she settles comfortably.

"It was good." I say simply, "Get some rest, Gabby." I tell her. She hums in response, drifting off quickly as I hold her close, letting my hand run up and down her back. The comforting feel of holding her in my arms having me drifting off soon after her.


Antonio shows up a quarter past six at night, giving Gabby and I plenty of time to finish getting ready and for Gabby to feed Jesse before he went to bed.

I was quickly realizing this was Gabby's first-time leaving Jesse. I don't think that was something she had realized when she originally volunteered for a night of working at Molly's. I could tell her nerves were setting in as she said goodbye to our son. It took near 30 minutes to get her out of the house, Gabby having to share every last detail of what it took to take care of our little Jesse Casey.

Antonio thankfully was a good sport, listening to his little sisters every last detail and taking her new parent syndrome in stride before sending us on our way, shooting me an amused look as I practically pulled Gabby out of the apartment.

"Dawson looks like she is enjoying herself." Severide muses as he takes a seat next to me, Hermann, Capp, Cruz, and Mouch.

I can't help but smile as I watch her behind the bar with Otis and Stella Kidd, our newest addition to 51. Stella had joined Truck to replace Cruz who had moved over to Squad 3 when there was an opening. That fourth place on squad always a revolving door, though I think Cruz was going to be filling it for the long haul.

Gabby and Stella had known each other for a couple years and I know Gabby was excited to be spending more time with her old friend. When I had told Gabby of the movement in house and that a new firefighter named Kidd was joining 81 she was nearly giddy with excitement. Over the past month of being at the house Stella had gotten close with all of 51 and even closer with her fellow 81 members. Kidd had been working at Molly's more and more, helping Hermann and Otis fill in where Dawson previously had before her pregnancy.

Currently, Dawson's head was thrown back in laughter as she and Kidd stood together cleaning beer glasses and serving drinks.

"Getting her out of the apartment was a bit of a struggle, but she is definitely enjoying herself now," I respond to Kelly, who had beat us to the bar tonight, earning a chuckle from the group surrounding us.

"Dawson have a hard time leaving the baby?" Hermann asks knowingly.

I nod, taking a sip of my beer and directing my attention back to the men around me and away from the woman across the bar that had held my every thought.

"Yeah. I don't think either of us realized when Gabby decided to come out tonight this was the first time she has so much as spent an hour away from Jesse since she got home from the hospital. So, leaving him was definitely rough. I am just hoping Jesse sleeps the majority of the time we are gone and doesn't wake up missing Gabby as much as she is missing him." I tell them honestly.

Kelly clasps my shoulder. "Yeah, that kid is wrapped around Dawson's finger. Let's all pray for Antonio's sake that he sleeps until you get home too." He teases, though his words were a hundred percent true.

"Sev's right. If he wakes up and Gabby isn't there..." I whistle. "Good luck to Uncle Antonio."

Cruz and Mouch laugh, Hermann shakes his head.

"You boys need anything?" Gabby asks, interrupting our conversation as she steps up to our table.

My eyes can't help but roam over her. She was definitely taking advantage of her first night out in months, even if she was working. She was back in her pre-pregnancy jeans and she was definitely wearing the hell out of them. Her hair was down in loose waves framing her face and her eyes were dark and smoky, her lip bright. And unfortunately, or fortunately for me her shirt was low cut, and the way she was leaning against our table right now gave me a bird's eye view.

The guys all ask for another round and I clear my suddenly dry throat quickly as she looks to me.

"Matt?"

"Uh, yeah. Yes, please." I stutter. She offers me a smile before heading off to the bar for the orders and I can't help watching as she goes. The clearing of throats from beside me has be turning my eyes back to the men around me. Knowing smirks covering all of their faces.

"How, uh, how is that going, Casey?" Cruz asks, his voice full of amusement as he sips at his beer.

I raise my brow at him, feigning innocence. This was definitely not a conversation I wanted to be having with them all, especially with Gabby just across the room.

Mouch scuffs, his interest in the conversation taking me by surprise. "Look Lieutenant, I am the last person to get into anyone else's love life. Believe me, Trudy advises me to stay far away from it actually. Anyways, all I am saying is, you and Dawson, even a blind person can see that."

I shake my head, ignoring his comment, grateful for once when Kelly jumps in. "What is this a slumber party? Quit asking Casey about his feelings." He jokes.

"Chief! What are you doing here?" Hermann asks, pulling all of our attention away. I turn around to see Boden towering behind me.

"Chief!" I stand shaking his hand and giving him a one-armed hug.

"Donna decided she needed a break from me, apparently I do not put my son to bed to her liking tonight, practically threw me out." He laughs. Little Terrance was nearly 9 months old now and a complete sweetheart. I hoped he and Jesse would be great friends as they got older.

We all laugh at his words, Chief turning to the bar to get a drink.

Dawson

"Dawson? I didn't think I'd be seeing you here tonight."

"Chief!" I smile, happy to see him. I had not had a chance to see much of him lately. I had barely got to greet him at the house today as he had been off to headquarters not long after I arrived. "Yeah, I offered to work a shift when I was at the house yesterday. Missed it."

The Chief nods understandingly. "Well, we have all missed having you around, both here and at the house."

"Thanks, Chief, I have really missed everyone too," I tell him honestly. Looking around the majority of the house was littered around the bar somewhere and it felt really nice to be back and surrounded by them here at Molly's.

"Well, hopefully you won't have to miss them too much longer," Chief said, as I got his drink together.

"Yeah," I tell him laughing softly at his words, but then I pause his words hitting me, my brows knitting in confusion. "Wait, uh, what do you mean?"

Boden must notice my confusion, his own confusion now displaced on his face. "When you come back to finish your candidacy?" He tells me, my confusion only deepening. "Casey and I, we talked yesterday, I cleared you to come back to Truck 81 to finish your..." Chief sighs at the same time my jaw sets. "And Casey has not told you yet." He suffices, clearly reading the situation.

I sigh, frustration radiating off of me. Matt had talked to the Chief about me, about my job once again, without ever telling me. I wasn't sure what to make of this. "No, he didn't." I hand him his drink, putting the last of the guys orders on the tray I had been working on before Chief showed up and brought it around the bar, offering Chief a tense smile before I bring the drinks to the table.

"Ah, the only thing I love seeing more than you Dawson, is you with your hands full of beer." Cruz teases, but I ignore him, passing the drinks out quickly, avoiding their gaze as the anger radiates off me. The guys must pick up on it because they all remain silent.

Matt tries to grab my arm, his concern shining in his eyes as he says my name, stopping me from moving from the table. "Don't." I bark back, pushing past him and moving back to the bar.

I hear the Chief move back to the table; I know he must meet Matt's confused glance. "That uh, that may be my fault. I did not realize you hadn't told her about coming back to 51."

"Wait Dawson's coming back?" I hear Severide ask, more of the same excited comments coming from the group.

From behind the bar their conversation drifts away, but I catch Matt's eyes. I can see the remorse and concern in his, but I look away. I wasn't sure what his reasoning was for going behind my back, I couldn't understand it.

Part of me wanted to be mad, well part of me was mad. Us working together broke us. It is what ruined us. I was mad that Matt could even suggest us doing this again, but I was also mad that he had gone to the Chief without even talking to me first. Our two biggest downfalls were our communication or lack thereof, and us working together on 81 and not being able to separate our home and work life. It is what broke us, those two things alone destroyed us. Matt was willingly opening the door to both of them once again.

We needed to talk. We had been avoiding the important conversations that we both knew we needed to have. Avoiding wasn't really the best word, I knew we had been distracted, too focused on my recovery, Jesse, and finding our footing as parents. But we had not had any of the talks we knew we needed to have. We had not talked about the things that broke us. We had not talked about the things that we still held resentment towards each other for. Before having Jesse, we said we needed to talk, to work through things, and we hadn't.

It looked like tonight we would finally be having at least one of those talks.


Walking through our front door I have to force myself not to slam it into the wall as I come through, reminding myself that Jesse was likely, hopefully, asleep and I still needed to bid Antonio goodnight before I could deal with Matt.

The rest of the night, and the car ride home, had been incredibly tense. We had barely uttered two words to each other, which only meant the tension was growing thicker.

Antonio is sitting on the couch when I come in, Casey and Severide trailing behind me. I force a tired smile onto my face, Antonio raising a brow at me, I knew I wasn't fooling him.

"Hey Tonio, how was he?" I ask, my tension fading away as I think about Jesse. I was honestly happy to be home and near him, even if it meant a rough conversation with Matt was soon to follow, at least I was home with my son.

Antonio sits up on the couch. "He was good, slept basically the whole time. Woke up once about two hours ago, took a bottle, then was back out." I smile at his words, honestly everything in me ached to go be with him, to hold him and snuggle him, but I knew better than to wake him up.

"How'd he do with the bottle?" I ask eagerly. We had just started introducing bottles again the past two weeks. Jesse had taken them the first week in the hospital when I was still out, but he had only been breastfed since I woke up. A few weeks ago, Matt and I had talked about introducing bottles once again.

I had a very healthy supply and had to pump in between some of his feedings and we had a freezer full of breast milk. I knew if I ever planned to go back to work, we needed Jesse to start taking a bottle. Matt had loved the opportunity to get to feed Jesse again, but we were realizing how much he was hooked on the boob. He absolutely refused to take a bottle if I was the one feeding him. It's like he knew it was me, that I was the keeper of the boobs, and he hated the very idea of eating any other way when he was in my arms.

He would take a bottle for Matt, but we still struggled sometimes to get him to eat. When he was really tired, or upset, he still refused the bottle. Kelly had gotten him to take the bottle as well, but I wasn't sure if Antonio would have the same luck and I had been anxious most of the night about it.

"He did great," Antonio answers, giving me a reassuring smile. "Only had a little under 4 ounces, but didn't put up a fight at all."

I grin proudly. "That's my boy."

"I'm going to head out." Antonio gives me a kiss on the head, pulling me into a hug. "You good?" He asks in a whisper. I nod against his shoulder.

"I'm good," I whisper as we pull away. "Thank you, for watching him."

Antonio nods, giving Matt a weary look as he gives him a half hug. "Thanks again, Antonio."

My brother bids both Matt and Kelly a goodbye before I hear the door close, Kelly having followed him flips the lock and heads back into the living room. He clearly reads the room and feels the tension radiating off both Matt and I. The tension that had been sitting heavy between us since Chief had spilled the beans.

Kelly points down the hall to his bedroom. "I uh, I'm just gonna... go." He stumbles over his words. I offer a tense smile, Matt's back to him, his blue eyes staring at me. Kelly moves down the hall, his bedroom door clicking closed behind him leaving just Matt and I.

We stand in silence, neither of us knowing what to say apparently. I cross my arms, leaning back into the chair, averting my eyes to the floor.

"Gabby..."

"Why?" Matt starts and I quickly cut him off, bringing my glare to meet his confused baby blues. "Why did you go to the Chief without talking to me? What would make you think that was a good idea?" I ask exasperated, doing everything I could to keep my voice from raising knowing Jesse was sleeping in our room.

"Gabby, I didn't mean to go behind your back, I just..."

"But you did!" I holler, cutting him off, losing the battle with raising my voice. "This... this is what ruined us before, Matt. I get it, I get we aren't together, but if this is ever going to work. Us as a couple, us as friends, hell us just trying to be civil adults co-parenting... we can't go down the same path. We can't make the same mistakes! We said we would talk about it, talk it all out, and we haven't... and we need to."

Matt nods, his eyes softening at my words, mine doing the same for a moment. I sigh, running my hands through my hair. "I just, I don't get why you would do this. Why would you fight to put us back in the same place we were nearly a year ago? Why would you want us to be back in that position again? Me working on truck 81 nearly broke us beyond repair, Matt. It is what broke us, what broke us up. That and our terrible communication and you just actively threw us back into those two very things once again..." The frustration in my voice couldn't be ignored, that and the anger.

"I didn't mean to go behind your back, Gabby!" He hollers, his own emotions getting the better of him and forcing me to take a step back at the force of his words alone. "Gabby, I didn't do this to hurt you or put more space between us, or whatever else you are thinking. I did this because you deserve a chance. You deserve to at the very least finish out your candidacy at 51. You deserve to finish what you started around your family." He tells me, my resolve softening even further as his pleading eyes meet mine.

"You think I didn't see your face when you were at the house yesterday? Or tonight? Anytime you've been faced with the fact that you could have worked your last shift at 51, your last shift with all the people who have become your family? I know you. I know that wasn't something we thought about before when you stopped working, but I've watched you and I know you have thought about it now. I know you, Gabby. I know that thought crushes you, and honestly, it crushed me too." He admits.

He sighs, shaking his head. "Gabby, I know we messed up in the past. I know we made mistakes. I made mistakes. As your fiancé, as your Lieutenant. I let the job get in the way of us and us in the way of the job. I am the one who couldn't separate it and for that I am sorry, but I owe it to you to let you finish on Truck 81. I ruined this, I ruined us, let me fix it."

I am quick to interject. "Matt you didn't..."

"I did, Gabby!" He quickly cuts me off, his pained face making my heartache. "I know you were the one who ultimately decided to leave, but I didn't make it easy on you." He sighs heavily running his hands through his hair, "I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I know I did not handle everything the way I should have. I keep going over it, over our fights at work, and at home. I didn't treat you fairly when we were at work. I didn't treat you like any other candidate and I'm sorry for not being able to separate the two, but I am sorrier for how I treated you at home. You tried so many times to talk to me. You tried to separate it. You tried to communicate with me and I shot you down over and over again. I wouldn't listen to you when you wanted to talk about things that were affecting us. You didn't deserve that and I know we can't change anything that happened before but I am apologizing now because I never did then and I should have."

Tears sting my eyes, the relief washing over me to hear Matt saying those words. For so long I had blamed myself for us falling apart. I had blamed myself for being rogue on calls, thought maybe I wasn't cut out for being a firefighter and that was why it never worked being on 81. For so long I had blamed myself for the downfall of our relationship, for the lack of communication, for leaving. I knew I was still partially at fault for all of this, Matt did not ruin us on his own, it took two... but hearing Matt take some responsibility in this, to know he did not just full blame me for all of this took a weight off my shoulder I hadn't realized I was holding on to.

Matt comes around from where he had been standing near the wall and sets down on the couch, running his hands over his tired eyes and sighing, I sink down into the chair I had been leaning against, both of us angled to face each other. The air still heavy, but less tense between us.

"Matt, you weren't the only one who broke us. Yeah it sucked, not being treated like any candidate, and it sucked that you didn't want to talk at home, but I wasn't perfect in all this. I know I was rogue on calls; I know that I made it difficult on us by my behavior. I should have pushed harder to talk to you about what was bothering me. I should have forced us to talk... and I shouldn't have brought Mills into it."

"Gabby." Matt cuts me off, tensing.

I push through, his words from what was so long ago now, but felt like yesterday still ringing in my head from the day we fought.

You don't know if you want to be with me. I am trying to be your Lieutenant and your fiancé and you can't respect either one.

"I am sorry, for making you feel like I didn't want you, didn't want us... that was never it, Matt. Not at all. It was never a matter of if I still wanted to be with you, I was just... I was lost, and scared, and I felt like I was losing you. I had no idea who to talk to at that point. Brett and I weren't really close enough for me to be spilling all of my business to her, Kelly was more your friend than mine at that point, there was no way I could go to the guys on truck as much as they are my friends, they are also our coworkers and it wouldn't have been fair to talk with them about the issues their candidate was having with her relationship with their Lieutenant. Antonio was going through so much with Laura and the divorce, and Shay... Shay's gone." God, did those words still sound so foreign coming from my mouth.

"I had no one. Mills was there, he saw me, saw I was upset and hurting, but he was there as a friend, nothing more. I need you to believe that. I need you to trust me when I tell you I have never once considered Mills, or anyone else when we are together. I need you to trust me, because I have never once given you a reason not to, not when it comes to that."

I think that is what hurts most. Matt had twisted my words, had made me out to be someone who searched for comfort in an ex-boyfriend. He made me feel like I had done something wrong when I hadn't. I had never once given him a reason to not trust me when it came to an ex. I had never cheated on him; I had never so much as given another guy a look when I was with him. Even now, when we were broken up, I had not been with anyone else... but the same couldn't be said for him, and that honestly left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Matt nods, his head bobbing up and down as he rests his hands on his knees, avoiding my eyes and taking in my words. I can see the regret settle into his features when he finally does meet my eyes head on. "And I have." He says. My brow furrows in confusion. "I have. Made you doubt me, given you a reason not to trust me." He clarifies. I sigh, looking away, unsure how to go about this conversation.

"That's not what I..."

"No, it's okay. That may not be what you were trying to say, but let's not beat around the bush, it's what you meant."

"I don't want to argue with you..." I tell him softly. As much as I knew this was one of the things we needed to discuss, I wasn't sure I had the energy for it. Matt gives me a pointed look, urging me to say what we both knew I wanted to. I knew it was long past time to air this all out. So, I reluctantly say what's on my mind, what's been on my mind for some time now.

"Matt you made me out to be this horrible person for talking to Mills. You made me feel like scum for simply saying what was the truth to him; that our relationship had become hard, that we weren't coping. You made me feel terrible." I tell him honestly, all the hurt I had felt for those weeks before, during and after those events coming back to me and filling my eyes. "I'll admit, I am hard-headed, stubborn, and I am not always the most transparent person... but I have never lied to you about this kind of stuff, not in the same way you have lied or hidden things from me." I watch as Matt's defenses go up at my words and I push through before he can question me.

"You staying the night at some girls house, and then lying to me about it? I had to find out about it from some blonde bimbo showing up and asking for you to give you your phone? That felt great. And then Beth? We were broken up, I have no right to be upset, I get that. But if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? Knowing I had slept with someone else?" Matt visibly tenses at my words and I scoff shaking my head, that's what I thought.

"Like I said, I can't be mad, we weren't together. But where my heart and my head were at, I couldn't do that... and it is still hard for me to wrap my head around that fact that you did. I left, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make me question us, or myself any less. Because while you were getting drunk with Severide and staying at some girl's house; while you were screwing Beth, I was out there holding on to hope that we would be okay, that we would get back together. I was the dumb one staying loyal to something that wasn't even there." I say sadly, Matt's sad eyes looking back at me. "You told me, not long ago, that I abandoned our relationship..." I watch the recognition hit his face at my words, our fight during the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. "...maybe I did by leaving, but Matt you sure as hell didn't do anything to fight for me. Not before I left, and definitely not after."

We sit in a heavy silence, both of us staring at the other and letting the weight of the words take over.

The hurt we had both caused each other was like a heavyweight that had been crushing us, and I knew airing out that hurt wouldn't solve everything. I knew talking about it wouldn't make it go away. I knew that, but it still felt freeing to get it all out in the open.

Matt's words bring me out of my deep thoughts. "I am sorry for everything, Gabby. I am, and I can't say it enough, but I also can't change everything that has happened between us. Even if I wanted to, I can't, and I don't think I would, because changing even the smallest of things could mean Jesse wouldn't be here, and you and I both know no matter what, all the hurt we have been through we'd go through it all over again if it meant Jesse got to be here with us."

I smile, despite the heaviness of his words. He was right. If it meant dealing with it all over again, I would just to hold my son in my arms. He was everything to me. He was and always would be the light in whatever darkness came. "Me too," I tell him softly. "I am sorry too, but you're right, I'd do it all again, all of the hurt, if it meant we got to have Jesse. I can't imagine a life without him in it." I tell him honestly, Matt grinning.

We both were incredibly lucky to have such an amazing, beautiful baby boy.

"So, I guess the real question is, can we both move past it?" Matt says, I look at him in confusion and am thankful when he continues, filling in my questions. His intense stare meeting me head on. "We both made mistakes, we both did things to hurt each other, whether intentional or not. We can apologize for it all we want, we can both be sorry, but we can't change it. So, can we move past it? Can we both learn to let it go, to not hold it over each other's heads, to actually forgive each other and not hold on to any resentment? Because the question is no longer if we love each other or if we want to be together, or if we regret what we both did to break this up... We both already know those answers and we both know that isn't enough to make this work." Matt says honestly, I nod both of us on the same page there. "The question is, can we come out the other side, can we truly forgive each other and move on?"

His question hangs heavy in the air, my breath nearly catching at the severity of this situation. This was what we had been working toward for weeks, months. We had said we needed to air it out, to talk... and we had. Sure, there was more to be said, but that was the real question, because none of those other talks that needed to be had mattered if we couldn't forgive ourselves and each other and move on.

Could we move on? Could we move past this and finally put it all behind us?

God, I wanted us too, but could we?


Finally, a long-overdue talk.

Hope you all enjoyed it!

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