Chapter 30.
Sam was woken by his phone. Jack was calling him. He answered it. "Jack, what's wrong?"
"I can't find Cas." said Jack, "Jules is in the library, but Cas isn't."
"Has his car gone?" said Sam.
"No."
"Have you tried his room?"
"I'm there now. His coat's here and his phone's here."
"Okay, keep calm." said Sam, "He won't get far on foot. Check the pockets of the coat. Is the lighter there?"
There was silence, then Jack said, "No. The picture of his first vessel is."
"Good. He hasn't left permanently. He'd never leave that behind. You gave him that."
"Something's wrong, Sam. I can feel it." said Jack.
Sam was horribly afraid he was right. Neither the coat nor the phone would usually be left behind. Cas had taken the lighter, which suggested he needed Dean, but was also a hopeful sign, because it seemed unlikely he would take it if he intended to throw himself on the mercy of Heaven, such as it was.
"He's probably fine." he said to Jack, "It's been an eventful few days. Maybe he just needs space. You take a walk down the road, I'll check the trees above the bunker. If you find him, call me."
He quickly dressed and headed out into the trees. He had been walking about five minutes when he saw Cas sitting against a tree trunk, looking at the ground a few feet in front of him. He was wearing a tie Sam didn't recognise. Sam called Jack and said, "I've found him. He's okay."
"Good." said Jack. Sam was relieved that there were no questions. He was sure that Cas would have heard them both.
"Cas?" he said.
Cas looked up. "Sam." he said, "If there were a problem, you could have prayed."
"My problem was that I was worried about you." said Sam.
"I'm fine." said Cas, "I'm better than fine. I'm just a little more lost than usual. I needed time to think."
"And are you thinking good things or bad things?" said Sam.
"I'm thinking I need to think some more." he said.
Sam sat on a flat stone. "Two heads are better than one. Talk to me."
"I don't think you'd understand." said Cas, "It's complicated. It's all about Balthazar and Meg and Hester and Jack and the fact that I came back from the Empty."
"And Jules?"
"Yes, she's in there somewhere too."
"Okay, biggest thing first. What about the Empty?"
"I've always, you know, had a list. People I want back. People I would bring back if I could. Well, not people."
"Angels?"
"Angels, archangels, two who are neither. I mean, they're abominations. They're demons. But we owe them. I owe them."
"Crowley and Meg." said Sam.
"Yes. And Meg and I had a strange sort of something. It wasn't a relationship. It wasn't a romance. It wasn't friendship."
"She called you her unicorn." said Sam, "Whatever it was, it meant something to her."
"Yes. Before she ... before Crowley murdered her, we had a conversation and things were said by her that ... well, I may have sort of promised something and now there's every chance we may one day get her back and I know I shouldn't consort with demons, but ... "
"But you'd like to consort with that one?"
"Not like to, exactly."
"Right, you sort of promised." said Sam.
"But now there's Jules."
"And you want to do some serious consorting with her?"
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No," said Sam, "Just trying to understand."
"I know you think I'm overthinking this, but I'm theoretically immortal. Mistakes now could have consequences for a very long time and then, Jules is mortal and her life is short and I don't want to be the reason she feels she wasted it." He looked at the sky. "And yes, I know what I just said makes it sound like I'm overthinking it, but there's a good reason for that."
"Yeah, you're overthinking it." said Sam.
"Yes."
"But that doesn't mean your fears and doubts don't matter. You need to feel good about your decisions and you've always had a problem with decisions. You have this long list of things you got wrong and you beat yourself up about it. You're worried you'll screw this up because you think you screw everything up. You don't, by the way."
"I do."
"Look at Jack."
"Jack is a Winchester success more than mine."
"Jack is your success. Ask him." said Sam. He didn't like to ask about the coat. It felt too much like pointing out someone's nakedness. "Nice tie." he said.
"Jules gave it to me. She gave me two. When I wear this one, it means I want to talk. When I wear the one without stripes, it means I want to be alone."
"That's actually kinda brilliant." said Sam, "Except, you're out here alone advertising that you want to talk."
"I told her I needed to contemplate some things."
"Did you tell her what things?" said Sam.
"No. I don't want the confusion I feel to harm our relationship."
"I don't think it would." said Sam, "Jules is really mature and sensible and I think she'd understand."
"Even about Meg?"
"I think so." said Sam.
"Last night, things happened that I wasn't really expecting."
"Jack told me you two had a sleepover." said Sam.
"Yes." said Cas, giving nothing away.
"So, was it ... good?"
"It was." said Cas, "It was the best night of my life."
"Well, that's good." said Sam.
"Yes. We talked. We talked a lot."
"Nice." said Sam, wondering what kind of conversation would make it the best night of such a long life.
"She was lying in my arms, Sam. She fell asleep with her head on my chest. I watched her sleep all night."
Sam understood. An angel who had been starved of affection for eternity had found one night on which he felt loved and needed. "Sounds pretty great." he said.
"It was great. It was." said Cas, "I don't suppose you've heard from Dean at all?"
"No, not yet. Hopefully, that means everything's fine." said Sam, "I think you should come back to the bunker. Brooding out here won't help."
"There's another thing. What if Heaven doesn't like my involvement with Jules?"
"Heaven has tortured you, lied to you, abandoned you and exiled you. Heaven doesn't get a vote."
