Poe, Rose, and Finn just sat there and looked at him. Rey's grip on his hand grew even tighter as she pulled him down to sit as well.
Ben scanned their faces again, trying to get a better read on them. Now that his emotional outburst was over, he didn't remember half of what he had said to imaginary Hux. How bad had it been?
Rose looked like she'd seen a ghost. Finn looked like he'd seen a wild animal. Poe looked like he'd seen his worst enemy. Really bad, he decided. Ben turned to Rey, looking to her for some interpretation.
"Answer me, Ben," Poe demanded gently but firmly, still leaning in with his elbows on his knees. "Whose head did Snoke live in? Yours? Just exactly what are you?"
Ben felt the blood rush out of his face as the realization hit him that the last few weeks of happy normalcy had been only an illusion. They'd seen the reality of the unstable wreck that still lay just below the surface of Ben Solo.
His hands began to tremble.
If they knew what made him—who made him- they'd never trust him again. Every bit of acceptance he'd gained would vanish-if it hadn't already.
His heart raced.
He was about to lose everything he'd gained. It was over, he realized desperately. The minute he told them what he really was, it was all over.
The walls began to close in on him.
Rey stood up and interposed herself between him and Poe, still holding Ben's hand tightly. "That's probably a conversation best left for another day. It's perfectly okay to drop it for now," she said evenly. "Poe, I'd rather hear about your spice running days. They sound very exciting." As she spoke, she pulled energy from him through the grip on his fingers. He practically saw the Force vibrate through the room, overwhelming even Finn with the power of her words. He felt himself calm down just a little. After all, it was perfectly okay to drop it for now.
The rest of the evening was spent listening to all kinds of stories about spice-running. Eventually, Ben regrouped enough emotionally to add a couple of his father's tales to the mix. When they parted company, everyone was laughing.
"So we're still on for tomorrow?" Rose asked. "Kef Bir?"
"Absolutely," Rey replied for the both of them.
"Sure," Poe responded. "But I'm flying. All this talk about running spice makes me want to try an old shortcut that used to run from Jedha to Jakku. No one really uses it anymore. Ben, you want to co-pilot?"
"Of course," Ben replied, but he'd felt Rey stiffen a little at the mention of Jakku. "Are okay with that?" he asked silently.
She nodded and squeezed his hand.
Once in bed, she snuggled up beside him. He lay there with his eyes closed and tried to go to sleep.
After several minutes, he opened his eyes again and asked the question that had been racing through his brain. "How bad was it? Really?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes," he answered even though he would have preferred a reassuring lie.
"Sweetheart," she began.
He grew immediately nervous. She'd never called him 'sweetheart' before. Or any kind of endearment for that matter.
Then she sat up and looked down at him. "I have never used Force manipulation on my friends," she began seriously. "It is a very wrong thing to do. But they'd all just seen a full projection of a tall, red haired First Order officer that I presume was General Hux."
He blinked at her in disbelief. "That wasn't just in my head?"
"No, sweetheart," she said it again and he grew even more anxious. "Everyone saw him. I don't know how you used the Force in that particular fashion, but it is pretty unnerving." She took his hand in both of hers. "Then you let slip that Snoke had been inside your head. They were concerned."
"They should be," he admitted. He ran his other hand over his face. "I swear to you, I thought I was better," he continued. "I thought things were finally going right for me. For us. I thought it was all behind me. That it was over. That I was done with all of it."
"Darling," she changed endearments. It must have been really, really bad. "Do you think we are? We're all still dealing with everything from the past several years, especially them. Rose still has moments when she relives D'Qar. I'm sure Poe and Finn have their bad moments too. Their bad memories are just as real, only not as complicated as yours. Or as realistic in their replay."
He nodded. Complicated was a mild way of putting it.
"At some point, you'll have to talk about him. You'll have to be honest with yourself and the rest of us about what drove you to become what you did," she declared. "But I could tell that right then was not the time."
Not the time was also a mild way of putting it. Before Rey had stepped in, he'd felt on the verge of full-blown panic. Even thinking about it made his heart rate rise again, and he sat up and faced her. "You know why I can't tell them. They're scared enough of me as it is," he stated firmly. "I don't want to give anyone more reasons not to trust me. What they already know is bad enough."
"Sweetheart, you are too hard on yourself," she said gently, rubbing his arm. "They'll understand. And talking about it to somebody will be good for you."
No, it wouldn't, he wanted to say aloud. It would only force him to relive things he'd rather forget and bring up issues he'd rather ignore. He'd healed his kyber crystal. That was enough work on the past. It would have to be.
She pulled him into her arms. "Yes, it would," she said aloud. He'd clearly broadcast his thoughts too loudly to ignore. "It's going to be okay. No one is afraid of you."
"They probably should be," he replied, allowing himself to relax into her embrace. "I think I'm afraid of me now."
She laughed and lay down, pulling him next to her. He rested his head on her shoulder and she began to play with his hair. "Your hair is getting long," she commented as she ran her fingers through it.
"I'll get it cut," he offered. "It doesn't matter to me."
"No, leave it," she said as she twisted the length into her grip. "It gives me something to hang on to," she added with a laugh.
He rolled up onto his elbow, her hand tugging at the back of his head. "Promise me you'll never let go."
She smiled at him. "Ben Solo, I will never let you go. I promise."
She pulled him closer and kissed all the remaining anxiety out of him. When they finally fell asleep much later, her fingers were still tangled in his hair.
-0-
Poe's shortcut had been an adventure in piloting, Ben had to admit. With sketchy information at best and bad information at worst, they'd only narrowly avoided the gravitational pull of an otherwise uncharted singularity.
"Where the hell are we?" Ben finally asked in frustration. "The nav comp thinks we're at Bespin." He looked out the viewport at the small rocky planet beneath them. "I've been to Bespin. That is not it."
Poe shrugged. "I have no idea. BB-8, can you please talk to the nav computer and between the two of you figure out where we are?" He looked over at Ben. "In the meantime, how about we have something to eat? I'm starving."
They left BB-8 in communication with the navigational systems and headed into the lounge area. Rose sat crosslegged on the sofa, a cup in her hand. Finn and Rey stared at each other across the holographic figures dotting the game table.
"Your move," Finn informed her.
Rey studied the board her eyes narrowing. "I can't remember what the pieces do," she silently commented to Ben. "I can't ask Finn again. He's told me three times already, but the truth is I'm just not very interested in playing right now.
"Move the big purple hairy one three spaces forward and one to the right. The game will be over," he replied, trying to hide the smirk on his face.
She entered the command and they all watched as the figure crawled ahead and over, then grew three times normal size and exploded, detonating each piece on the board within five squares. When the lightshow was over, only a small purple piece on the far edge of the board remained. "Good job, Rey! Looks like you won!" Ben cheered, giving her a kiss on the head.
Finn leaned back aghast. "Wait a minute! How did you-?"
Rey blinked at him innocently. "I think I got lucky! Does that mean I win?" She rose from the table. "That was fun," she exclaimed but as she caught Ben's eye she shook her head ever so slightly.
Finn was still staring at the board in disbelief. "I'll play you," Ben offered.
"Okay," Finn accepted, still staring at the board.
Two games later, Finn and Poe sat side by side conferring on strategy. "This is almost as bad as trying to beat Chewbacca," Finn complained.
Ben leaned back, his hands laced together behind his head. "Master Chewie taught me everything I know," he declared proudly.
BB-8 rolled into the room, beeping excitedly that he'd corrected the coordinates and the nav computer was ready to lay in the course to Kef Bir. "Great!" Ben exclaimed and turned off the board to Finn and Poe's cries of protest.
"We almost had you!" Finn complained.
Ben shrugged.
"Did they?" Rey asked silently.
"Why do you think I turned off the board? I was about to get my ass kicked," Ben replied with a grin.
Soon, Kef Bir floated beneath them, green and blue and white. They circled low over the settlement. It looked nothing like the last time they'd landed. Instead of a few sparse buildings, there was a sprawling community of individual barracks with gardens between them. Herds of large quadrupeds roamed freely throughout.
They set down in the landing field alongside a small First Order cruiser, a TIE, and a troop carrier. Jannah met them with a big smile on her face. "Welcome to Tezaria!" she cried.
"Tezaria?" Poe asked. "When did that happen?"
"Last week," she declared triumphantly. "Tezaria is now the official capital of Kef Bir, second moon of Endor. Is that cool or what?"
Hearty congratulations ensued. Finn informed Jannah of the purpose of his visit and she led the group into a small side building. "This is the capital building, at least for now," she informed them. Then she pulled up a seat next to a data terminal and began to check the trooper designations he gave her. "I see six of your guys," she said excitedly. "They're across the settlement—" she pulled out a rough map and pointed to a cluster of buildings "—there. FN platoon has that whole area."
"How is everybody doing?" Ben asked. Flutters of anxiousness began in his stomach. He began to wonder if he should have come, considering that it was that easy to find them. He didn't really belong here.
"Great—for the most part," she replied. "We are learning every day. And the tougher and more physical the job, the better we do at it. So we work really really hard-sometimes even when we don't have to-then party really really hard to get over it."
She gave them a brief tour on the way to the FN area, pointing out their new vehicle maintenance station, their new blacksmithy, and their new medical facilities. "We've pulled in as many of the First Order resettled officers as we could to help out with logistics on all this. You'd be surprised how well that's working out."
The group stopped in unspoken unison at the edge of the FN area. "You want us along?" Poe asked Finn. "No problem if you need to do this on your own."
Finn took a deep breath. "Rey? Rose? Would you mind coming along?"
"Sure," Rose answered immediately.
Rey glanced at Ben then nodded. "Absolutely," she said.
He watched the three of them and Jannah cross the open area between a circle of buildings. Jannah pointed them to a door. Finn knocked, Rose and Rey just behind and to each side of him.
A tall, dark-haired man opened the door. Ben couldn't hear their voices, but saw the man converse briefly, then grab Finn by both sides of his jacket and shake him. Rey's hand went to her lightsaber, but she didn't take it from her belt. Then the man pulled Finn into a big bear hug. A huge smile sprang to Finn's face as he returned the hug. Then the trio was pulled inside.
Ben sniffed once. Then turned to Poe.
"That's good to see," Poe commented with a sniff of his own. "Makes me miss my guys."
"Your flight group?" Ben asked. "Can we find them too?"
"Not on this side of the Force," Poe replied sadly. "It's okay. I think I'll go see if I can get an introduction. What about you?"
Ben shook his head. "Not right now. Later. They've got enough to talk about without having to deal with-"
"Kylo Ren!" came a shout from behind them, almost on cue.
Ben turned to see a group of familiar faces. FN-7321 came running across the way toward him, her squadmates right alongside.
"What are you doing here?" she asked excitedly, shaking him by the arm. "You were supposed to meet up with us at the evacuation. For the longest time we thought you died. We looked for you everywhere." Then as if she realized what she was doing, she let go of him, straightened to attention, and added a belated, "Sir."
"I got picked up by this crowd instead. It took a while before I could negotiate my way out of trouble," Ben stated with a smile. "I am glad to see you all. How is it going here?"
"Great!" They all looked at each other. "Mostly great," FN-7321 qualified. "It's not like being on ship at all." The group shook their heads, almost collectively.
"But you have what you need?" Ben asked. "Everyone seems to be settling in well?"
"We can't believe that this is real," one of the others stated. "We can't thank you enough."
"Me?" Ben couldn't believe they were crediting him.
"When they questioned us about what happened on Finalizer, we told them what you did. You saved all of us, sir," another spoke up. "We know that. We expected to go to prison. You gave us a world."
"Hey, Countdown," a tall, black-haired man laughed. "Tell him your real name!"
"No!" she shouted back. "Sixty, you are such a dick."
"I swear to creation, I think Countdown's in love with you," the one she called Sixty jibed.
"Yeah, well so are you!" she snapped back with a huge grin. "You're the one who came up with our clan name!"
"Okay, okay," Sixty acquiesced then gave her a big kiss right on the lips. "You know I have to tease you. I mean, Ren's right here. I'll never get another chance."
"I'm so going to make you pay for this," she said, swatting Sixty on the rear.
"Promises, promises," he replied as the rest of the group howled. Ben was just confused.
Sixty gave him a smile. "Our clan name-which I suggested-is Faren. So shoot me for wanting to be loyal!" he declared proudly. "But Countdown here named herself Kylara, okay?"
"It's not like I go by it," she said dryly even though she blushed to the roots of her hair. "We all pretty much still use our First Order nicknames. Our ident names are more ceremonial than anything else."
"Ident names?" Ben asked, still flabbergasted by the conversation taking place around him.
"Yeah. When we all got to Kef Bir, we got to create New Republic ident codes with Kef Bir as our planet of origin if we wanted," said Countdown? Kylara? FN-7321?-Ben had no idea what to call her. "Everybody picked their own given name, but we wanted our squad to have its own clan name, so we chose Faren-you know, out of FN."
"What about the information on the trooper program that I gave the Resistance? You should all know your planet of origin now," Ben said.
Sixty shrugged. "Most of us came from some off the wall colony or mining camp we don't know anything about. And the few of us that were actually surrendered by a family instead of an organization like a brothel or orphanage had no interest in finding the assholes who sold them off to be soldiers." A couple of the group nodded solemnly at this revelation. "So I think we all picked Kef Bir as our birthplace. It feels like we were all reborn here anyway. All but Bucky there." He pointed at a very large man on the periphery. "His rebirth took longer. I guess it was a month before we got him to take his bucket off his head."
"It felt weird," Bucky complained. "I still feel like I'm missing something. Like any second Phasma is going to turn the corner and catch me without it."
"Hey, have chow with us!" Countdown said excitedly. "We were just about to finish up and eat."
"Can I bring a guest?" Ben asked.
"Yeah! We've got plenty of stew to go around," she said expansively.
Ben couldn't help but laugh. "Okay. Let me get her." He turned toward the barracks the others had entered.
"Wait a minute! You're visiting with them too?" Sixty called. "We'll just pull it all out into the middle. No need to separate off." He walked with Ben to the door, knocked once, then entered. "You guys want to eat in the middle tonight since we've all got guests?"
Ben peeked in through the door to see a group of about fifteen men and women he did not know, all sitting around in chairs and on the floor in excited conversation with his group.
"Hey, Ben!" Finn called to him with a huge smile. "Come meet everybody!"
A round of introductions composed of a mix of nicknames and truncated numbers swirled around him, punctuated with a good mix of "nice to meet you, sir" and "thanks for this, sir" and "never thought I'd meet Kylo Ren" and other odd comments, universally well-meaning. He shook hands and nodded and replied as appropriately as he could given the surreal circumstances.
Within the hour, the central area had turned from empty grassy plain to dining area as tables, chairs, rugs, and blankets were brought outside, along with a variety of foods as each FN squad brought out their contribution to the meal. They talked and visited and requested Finn to demonstrate his burgeoning force abilities. They even sang.
"Who knew stormtroopers sang?" Poe asked Ben incredulously.
Ben just shrugged. He'd never seen this side of his soldiers, this family atmosphere, this camaraderie that did indeed include an awful lot of hugging. Clearly some were romantically linked as well.
Sixty and Countdown were an obvious pair, a fact he was particularly relieved by considering her choice of name and the deep blush that had risen in her cheeks when Sixty called her on it.
It felt wonderful to sit by that impromptu campfire and try a variety of meals-mostly stew-and listen to their tales of life on Kef Bir, punctuated by reminiscences of life aboard ship. He even heard a couple of tales on himself-glad to grin and take the teasing since it was offered in such a generous spirit of fun.
"Hey, everybody," a dark-skinned man stepped up and called for attention. "Before we turn loose for the night, Sevens and I wanted to pass on some news. Jannah signed off on our pair cert today!" He pulled over a trooper with short red hair and put his arm around her. "We're officially married!" he shouted with a fist pump.
Congratulations flowed around them along with a lot of ribald teasing.
"I never thought they'd go through with it," Countdown said with a grin. "They've been talking about it ever since they found out they could."
"What do you mean since they found out they could?" Rey asked curiously.
"I mean we're bucketheads," Sixty explained. "We are officially forbidden-well, we were-from having any kind of romantic relationships. Didn't mean it didn't happen, but it was a punishable offense. We all looked out for each other though. Helped hide what needed to stay hidden. Then Jannah told everybody that she had been granted power to sign certs when Kef Bir was officially recognized."
"When are you going to sign a cert with me?" Countdown asked him with a smile.
"When you ask me to," Sixty replied with a smile of his own. Clearly this was an ongoing debate between them as they circled around the idea of making their relationship official.
"Hey," Ben turned to Rey.
"Jannah issues ident codes," she said.
"And marriage certs," he added. "What are you doing tomorrow morning?"
"Nothing. Want to get married?" she asked.
"I think that's a great idea," he replied. Rey's smile lit up his world as she pulled him to her for a deep, passionate kiss that lasted long enough to generate a number of whoops and catcalls from the troopers around them.
He felt himself blushing a little, but couldn't stop smiling.
Rey sat down in front of him and leaned back against his chest as he put his arms around her.
"So this is what it feels like," Ben commented as the party continued around them.
"What feels like?" she asked.
"Happiness."
She wrapped her arms around his and snuggled in closer. "I guess it is." The fire crackled merrily as the stars wheeled overhead in the sky.
