Chapter 31.

Dean took a short, refreshing shower before getting dressed and going back downstairs. He was tired, but also oddly awake. He knew there would be problems later from the lack of sleep, but he didn't want to close his eyes and let his mind wander off uncontrolled.

Sarah was in the kitchen, frying up a generous breakfast. She smiled when she saw him. "How are you feeling?" she said.

"Better." he said, "Are you okay? You didn't get much sleep either."

"Don't worry about me." she said, "I've managed on a lot less sleep. How's your appetite?"

"Nothing wrong with that." he said, "I smell bacon!"

She put his food on the table and as he sat down, she patted his shoulder. She served up her own share and sat opposite him. "Have you had any more visions?" she said.

"Don't call them that. That psychic stuff freaks me out. Call them ... I don't know ... delusions. But no, I haven't had any more."

"Delusions implies a disconnection with reality. I don't think that's the problem."

He ate his breakfast, saying little except to praise the food. He didn't want to ask what she had planned or even what she was thinking about anything. He just wanted to enjoy the good food and the warm kitchen and the feeling of being at home.

After breakfast, Sarah put the plates on the side and said, "You should call the bunker, for your own peace of mind. You know, it might be a good idea to ask Castiel to come here."

"I can't really justify calling him away now." he said.

"Your decision. I just think you may need someone here."

"Why? How bad do you think things will get?"

"I want you to sleep tonight, Dean. Maybe having someone around ... "

"To zap me?"

"No, to make you feel safe enough to risk unconsciousness."

"Sorry. I guess lack of sleep makes me paranoid."

"You're going through a lot." she said, "You're allowed to be prickly about it."

"I keep waiting for you to get sick of all my crap." he said.

"You'll be waiting a long time. Remember, I did all the same crap. Sometimes I look at you and I can feel that tension again, that feeling of being hollow and empty. I remember telling myself at least the deadness meant less pain, but it doesn't, does it?"

"No, it doesn't." he said.

"So I will never judge you and I will never give up on you. You could ask Sam to come here, but I suspect he won't. He really doesn't want to talk to me."

"He talked to Mom. She thinks she has the situation under control."

"Interesting. So he was able to talk to her?"

"Or bamboozle her. She doesn't know him like I do."

"Nobody does or ever will." said Sarah, "But your mother is an intelligent woman."

"True. See what I mean? Paranoid. I just hate knowing he's in trouble and can't talk to me about it. Or won't, because he thinks I'm too weak. I'm not too weak. Sam needs me, I'm there, whatever else is happening."

"Yes, I know that and so does he." she said.

He called Sam. As soon as Sam answered, he said, "Hey, Sam, is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine." said Sam, "Cas was a little troubled earlier, but he's okay now. He and Jules had a sleepover last night."

"Finally!" said Dean.

"No, Dean, it's not what you think. In fact, it's as far from what you think as it's possible to be. They had a sleepover and it was about as innocent as if they were two nine year old girls."

"What is wrong with him?" said Dean, "I mean, he and April within a few hours and he and Jules wait weeks?"

"Ever consider that maybe it's because of what happened with April? He's also thinking about Meg a lot."

"Meg's dead."

"We've all been dead."

"Meg's dead and in the Empty." said Dean.

"Yeah. Cas just got out of the Empty. He knows it's possible."

"Is he planning to ... "

"No, I don't think so. He's just got a head full of possible future issues and Meg's return is one of them. He's always looked to the big, eternal picture."

"Does he love Meg?" said Dean, "I mean, we saw the kiss, but apart from that, they never seemed that close."

"I think she definitely loved him, On his side, I don't know. I don't think he does. He's also worried what Heaven will think about him getting involved with a human."

"Who cares?" said Dean, "Heaven has no say in this. If they wanted his obedience, they should have treated him better."

"That's pretty much what I said." said Sam.

"Is he okay now?"

"I think so. I advised him to talk to Jules, especially about the Meg thing. Honesty makes sense."

"Good. Call me if he needs me. Or if anyone needs me."

"Dean, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay. Just need to know what to tell Sarah when she asks why you're avoiding me."

"Tell her I'm not." said Sam.

"Yeah, thing is, we've got this honesty thing going and I don't wanna lie like that."

"I'm really not." said Sam.

"Maybe you should swing by later, then, just to show her she's imagining it. Hey, here's an idea! You could bring the angel too. I think he and I need to talk about women."

"Do you need us there?" said Sam.

"Sarah needs to see you, Cas needs my advice."

"Dean, do you need us?"

"No, not if it's a problem." said Dean.

"So that's a yes."

"No." he said, "I'm okay. Forget it."

"What happened to honesty?" said Sam.

"Yeah, because you're being so honest with me." said Dean.

"Do you want us there or not?" said Sam.

"I have no right to drag you away from ... "

"Yes or no?" said Sam.

"Sam ... "

"It's one syllable, either way. You can do it."

Dean thought about it. He didn't want them scurrying around trying to look after him. He didn't want witnesses if he fell apart. He didn't want them to see him as weak and dependent and scared. He was going to say no right up to the moment when "Yeah." came out of his mouth. "Come tonight." he said.

"Not right away?" said Sam.

"Tonight." said Dean again.

"Okay. We'll be there around six."

"Thanks." said Dean, not missing the fact that the chosen time was the earliest that could be considered tonight. "Sammy, I ... "

"Yeah, it's fine." said Sam, "I'll see you tonight."