Thank you for the reviews and the messages. Just trying to catch up with myself and this story. More soon x
It's far too cold outside, but there's a bit of whiskey in his system, the darkening street blurring through his swirling vision, and determination in the pit of his stomach.
He was walking a drunk Sharon back home after she had yet another fight at their local pub. Sure, he could have called her a taxi, but it wasn't far and he felt responsible for her safety. That was always his downfall, he was just too caring
The rain had been heavy that evening, and they were both soaked through by the time he managed to stumble through the front door of her dinghy little flat.
"I can manage on my own now"
"I'm sure you can but what kind of man would I be if I just left you now" Johnny muttered as he looked around taking in his surroundings. The place was filthy, empty bottles and cigarette packets littered the floor around the tattered sofa in her living room
"I'm alright on my own. Haven't needed haven't rely on anyone in my life, don't need anyone now." Sharon sighs, equal parts faking nonchalance and badly concealed bitterness., trying to mask the change in her voice. Her body slumped on the sofa as she reached down to grab a bottle of Vodka from the floor
"You don't have to carry on like this" Johnny replied, reluctantly taking a seat next to her
"Course I do. People like me, we got no choice. And consider yourself lucky, Connor. It's not often that I let drunk strangers crash on my sofa with me"
"I don't think you could ever be a stranger to me," Johnny mumbles, voice soft, and he doesn't register that he's said it out loud instead of in his head until he sees the startled look in the eyes looking up at him. "I mean, you and me, we've known each other for so long. You couldn't not mean anything to me."
"Well I don't know about that" Sharon says
Johnny's breath catches in his throat. He's know Sharon for a few years now, she had always been quite pretty
"Sharon," Johnny said softly. Tentatively he lifted a hand to her shoulder. He'd touched her before, but never quite like this. Never with his head swimming like this. It had been years since whiskey affected him this way; he wondered if he could still blame the whiskey for this. He could feel Sharon's breath against his face. Still nervous, his heart threatening to claw its way out of his throat if he didn't do something soon, he closed the distance between them, drawing her flush against him as he brushed their lips together as he lifted her on top of him, her hand letting go of the bottle and a small thud resounding as it hit the floor
The next time he laid eyes on Sharon Donovan was nearly 9 months later. She hadn't noticed him, and if it wasn't for the pram she was pushing on front of her with such pace that he too would have just gone on with his day pretending he hadn't noticed her either.
He had heard that she had gotten with a new bloke, that was about 7 months ago. That meant the baby wasn't carried to full term, or that there was something she had failed to tell him. He didn't think she could be that cruel, and certainly she'd know that this would break his heart.
Either way he needed to find out. He quickly ran towards the direction he last saw her go, finally catching up to them
"Sharon" He sighed, glancing around the street.
"What do you want Johnny" her hair loose and somewhat messy, her face showing the signs of years of alcohol abuse even more so than those few fatal months ago. It makes his chest ache in a different way for a moment, before he looks back at the pram the disappointment and sadness welling up again.
"Who's this?" he asks as Sharon moves in front of the baby, blocking his view
"Her names Carla"
"Congratulations" He continues, hoping his voice doesn't crack "Didn't realise you and your new bloke were that serious"
"It's... the baby. It's not his" she swallows pass the lump in her throat. Johnny doesn't look at her, can't look at her so instead moves round to look inside the pram and he's not sure that this pain is any better. There's an actual, physical ache inside of him. The baby can't be more than a week or two old, so it doesn't look like anybody yet. Her looks are soft and warm. The only distinct feature is her thick, black hair and those eyes. The bright green eyes locked onto his and the sudden flow of something new and unfamiliar hits him so hard he grips at the side of the pram. It's a jolt of connection, almost as strong as the one he has with Louisa, if not stronger, and it makes the rest of the world fuzzy for a minute. He places his hand on the baby's chest, a gentle touch, marvelling at this sudden, intense connection.
The touch grounds him. And he knows in this moment. This is his daughter
"She was born 10 days ago"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tears prick the back of his eyes and he has to swallow against the overwhelming admission
"Would it have made a difference? Would you have left your posh house and perfect wife to be with us?" She questioned. Annoyance seeping into her tone as she stared at him
"I could have helped you out. Let me give you money, buy her some clothes or anything she needs" Johnny said sternly pulling his wallet out, holding a couple of notes out for Sharon to take
"You cant buy your way into her life"
"That's not what I meant.. i just.."
"If you want to be her father take her. Take her now" She gently pushes the pram towards him. His eyes meeting hers, searching for any kind of response at her potentially abandoning her own child
"Don't be absurd, she's your daughter. You cant just give her away" He almost shouts
"So how is this going to work? You just pretend that she don't exist?"
"I'll help out where I can, give you money each month. I just, I cant take her. It would break Louisa"
"Fine" she merely agrees "But you can be the one to tell her she could have had a better life than the one I can offer her when she's old enough"
Johnny had no option but to watch as she pulled the pram back towards herself and slowly walked away. Taking his daughter with her
Johnny was having a difficult time wrapping his head around what's happening right now. There's a feeling of joy bubbling up in his chest, quickly sweeping away the ache and guilt that was there before. He hadn't seen Carla for years.
He tries to keep his face emotionless as he hears voices making their way to the back room of the Rovers. The feeling of guilt slowly creeping it's way back in, because there's one thing he knows, Carla could never find out his secret.
Despite the aching in his chest, the deep hurt that seems to have filled his entire being, his breath catches at the sight of her as she enters the room. She looked beautiful. Yet he couldn't help but notice how fragile she looked, with barely any weight on her tiny frame. Carla had always been particularly small for her age growing up, he knew that was partly to the way she was bought up, he had always felt guilty about that.
Something has happened to her over these years. Something other than the snippets of stories he had heard about her hard life. and Johnny can't help but feel concern
"Shall I put the kettle on then?" Michelle broke the silence. Noticing how uncomfortable Carla was at Johnny staring at her intently
"Sure" he said politely. He gave a grateful smile before dragging his gaze away from hazy, warm green eyes.
"You ok?" Michelle whispers as she rubs her hand gently on Carla's arm
"I'm just nervous, I guess" Carla glanced over to Johnny as he sat at the living room table "Been a long time"
"I know"
"I can go if..."
"No. Its ok" Carla cut Johnny off. She sighed as she took a seat opposite him "Just strange seeing you after all this time I suppose" She admitted
"I meant to keep in touch, it was just hard after...Louisa"
"No, I get it. Had your own kids to look after didn't you" she says seriously after a quiet moment. Her words sent a pang of guilt and sadness through Johnny's chest
"It wasn't that I didn't care about you" making sure to look up at her when he says it, even as his voice goes rough with the threat of unshed tears
"Its fine. Not like you were my dad or anything was it" Carla says faking a small smile. Though the raw undertone of raw emotion isn't concealed well
"Coffee" Michelle placed the two cups in-between them, taking a seat next to Carla "Need anything else?"
"Have you got any sugar?" Carla asked. Michelle's heart had skipped a beat at that request and she smiled on her way to the kitchen, returning a few moments later
"Aiden told me you've taken an interest at Underworld"
"I just want to help out. I mean, if that's ok with you? I don't want to step in your toes" Johnny sipped his coffee much slower than necessary
"No, that would be great actually, I've been a bit absent recently, I'm sure Aiden would love the help"
"He said you'd been off, that you hadn't been well. Are you ok now? You do look a bit pale"
"I'm, I'm okay," Carla said. After a moment of hesitation she added: "Thanks for asking, though" surprised at how much she actually meant what she had said. It was a strange balance between wanting people to notice and wanting them to stay as far away from it as possible. Not quite comfortable exploring that balance further Carla started talking about the new contracts for underworld, telling him she would get Aiden to go over them properly with him
"It will be good to get back into this again. And spend some more time with you" Johnny said with a smile
"You too"
"I heard about Rob. I'm really sorry" Johnny John reached over and placed a hand on Carla's arm. It was a light, gentle touch, as if Johnny wasn't sure he was allowed. Carla wasn't sure either, but she stayed still
"He were always getting into trouble. Was it really such a surprise?'
"But, murder" He glanced over to Michelle who shook her head "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bought that up"
"Its alright. Bound to have spoken about it eventually, he's been writing to me. Wants me to go visit"
"You never said. What does he want?"
"He wants to talk to me, reckons he wants to talk about our mum, stuff that she had told him before she died. I've been getting Nick to throw the rest of the letters away as they turn up" Carla sighed. She had enough to deal with than pandering to her brothers needs
"He has some nerve" Michelle sighed.
"That's Rob for you. Can we just forget about it. Whatever he has to say, it's not important"
"Of course" Michelle grabbed Carla's hand and gave it a squeeze, recognising the signs that things were getting too much for her right now. Carla swallowed, looking somewhere between desperate and grateful when she met Michelle eyes.
"I should get going anyway, I'll pop in and see Aiden about those contracts you mentioned" Johnny stood up "Thanks for agreeing to see me, it's been so good to see you again"
"You too" Carla smiled. She turns her gaze to him, her face taking on that friendly face she had grown so familiar with when she was a kid. He can feel that she's studying him, looking for something, and he feels a somewhat dull ache in his chest. The feeling of worry, the heavy weight of it hits him and he finds himself tightening his arm around her, pulling her in and wrapping his other arm around her back, holding her close as she hugs him back.
"I missed you peanut" Guilt squeezes at his heart as he thinks of what she had to go through
"Missed you too" Carla laughed at the nickname he had given her as a child
"See you soon" he whispers, meaning it with his whole heart. promising himself that this will not be the last time he feels the contentment and joy passing through him at the connection of holding his daughter in his arms. Nothing was going to get in the way of his relationship with her. Even if that meant hiding the truth from her
