Chapter Twenty-Six

"Hecate managed to answer most of my questions and create many more," Cathbad says in greeting.

Ruth nearly tells him that children are like that, but she does not want to appear flippant. She knows him being here to talk to her is a good thing. She knows she needs to talk to someone, someone who will be kind and understanding and not judge her. And Cathbad certainly fits that bill. "Kate's very excited about meeting her sisters," Ruth begins.

Cathbad nods. "Laura and Rebecca are lovely girls. I'm glad they got on with Kate."

"Me too," Ruth says. "I didn't know if they would. I was worried they might hate me and hate Kate for even existing because of what it means about their parents."

"The girls are grown. They were upset at first, I'm sure, but they're understanding souls."

Ruth just nods. From what Nelson had said and from the interactions Ruth had with them, she believes Cathbad was right.

"Kate obviously enjoyed herself. How about you? I know you've met the girls before, but not in a context like this."

That is certainly true. And Ruth feels the sudden need to laugh. "You know what it was like? Being twenty and meeting your boyfriend's parents for the first time."

Cathbad smiles. "Quite the opposite arrangement, but I can imagine it would be a similar feeling."

"Well, it's more overwhelming because of Kate. She's the most important part of all of this," Ruth insists.

He just nods.

She continues, "It was actually really nice. I think they liked me. Which is…odd, actually. They're such lovely girls. They both were so lovely to Kate, I couldn't help but cry. I don't think they saw me, thank god, but Nelson took me into the kitchen for a cup of tea while the girls watched Frozen."

"Oh Kate loved that."

"Yes, she did," Ruth says, smiling. "And Nelson and I talked, and he's…I don't know if I really knew he could be so…"

"So what?"

Ruth tries to find the right words and only lands on one. "Romantic."

"Nelson and I are very different, but I think men generally have a sense of romance that presents itself with things like this. I know it was like that for me with Judy."

"How do you mean?" she asks, somewhat wary.

"I know you don't believe in them, and I doubt Nelson does either, but the term 'soulmate' seems to fit. It cannot always be explained, but sometimes the soul, the very deepest part of the heart, sees its match inside another. There's not much we can do to control it or prevent it. But when it happens, we are irrevocably changed."

Ruth feels a pit of nervousness in her stomach at his words. "And that's you and Judy? Soulmates?"

"It's the only way I know to explain our connection. The same with you and Nelson."

Soulmate is not a term she would have ever imagined using in any context, let alone with Nelson of all people. She loves him, yes, she's been in love with him for years. But in a fantasy sort of way. Not in the Cathy and Heathcliff, Darcy and Elizabeth, Romeo and Juliet kind of way.

Cathbad watches her process this for a moment before he offers, "Regardless of the terminology, don't you feel that your life has been changed by his presence? Don't you feel as though you have become your truest self when you are with him?"

"I don't…I don't know," she answers truthfully. And she doesn't know. Is she really a different person for having met him? Perhaps in some ways. Is she her truest self when she's with him? She's even less sure of that.

"What about Kate?" he offers.

And that is the heart of it, to be sure. Ruth had never really wanted children. Had never really given it much thought. But it started with Lucy Downey, the case that put her with Nelson and ended up giving her a daughter. Nelson had made her a mother, and that was certainly her truest self. Even when she is panicked about doing everything wrong and has no idea what she's doing, Ruth is her truest self as Kate's mum.

"And what about when the three of you are together?"

There again, Cathbad has pinpointed it. Being a family with Kate and with Nelson, the three of them together, even tonight at dinner with Rebecca and Laura with them, that has felt better than anything. Ruth knows that its somehow supposed to be that way. And yet…

"What's troubling you, Ruthie?" Cathbad asks.

He always seems to know when something is wrong. That druid sense of his. "I'm afraid," she confesses. She's not said that aloud before. She had touched on it with her fight with Nelson, but this is the truth.

"What are you afraid of?" His voice is soft and gentle, making her feel safe and vulnerable.

"What if everything changes? Kate and me, the two of us, we've got a good life. I…I know how to be her mum, when it's just the two of us. I don't want to share her and have it be different. And…and even if it's a better kind of different, what if he realizes I'm not enough? What if I get used to life with him and then he leaves?"

Cathbad reaches out and takes her hands in his. They are rough, his hands, and she does not know why she'd expected them to be soft. His thumbs stroke gently over the backs of her hands, and he gazes at her with that sense of ancient magic he has in moments like this. "Why would you ever think you're not enough? Why would he ever leave?"

Ruth realizes she does not know the answer to those questions. Why isn't she enough? Other than being fat and boring and stubborn and reclusive, all of which Nelson already knows about her, she's not so bad. And Nelson has tried so hard to tell her how much he wants them to be together. He's been patient and flexible throughout all of this. He's been wonderful, more wonderful than she'd imagined possible. But there's still that lingering doubt that she genuinely does not know the source of.

When Ruth doesn't answer, Cathbad speaks again. "I think you underestimate our Nelson. But more than that, you underestimate yourself. And if you could be brave enough to let him prove it to you, I think you'll be all the happier for it."

This makes Ruth think about when she had seen Judy at her wedding to Darren, how unhappy she had been. Judy had not been brave enough to leave Darren and go to Cathbad as she'd wanted to. Not then. Eventually, she had. Eventually things had worked themselves out. But it took two years. Is that what Ruth wants? To live afraid but safe, clinging to her comfortable routine for years before finally taking a chance and letting Nelson make her happy? And, even worse, what if she is too afraid to choose him and he doesn't wait for her as Cathbad had done for Judy? What if Ruth misses her chance?

As Ruth ponders her future with Cathbad holding her hands, Nelson is sitting in the den on the phone with Michelle. He tells her about the weekend, about finally telling the girls about Ruth and Katie and how they'd all met and how good it had gone. And Michelle is happy for him. That surprises him slightly. She's always been kind and understanding—she'd not left him when she first found out about Ruth for that reason—but she seems genuinely happy for him, not just in a nice sort of way.

"You're taking all this very well," he notes.

"I had a feeling this would happen. I hoped it would, at least. That you could be with Ruth and Kate and have it all work out."

"Really?" he asks in slight disbelief.

"Really," Michelle assures him. "I didn't want to leave you alone or leave you with nothing. I didn't want you to suffer. I didn't want to punish you. I wanted more for me and I wanted more for you."

"How's the move to Exeter coming along?" he asks, hoping that she's getting more for her life just as he is for his.

Michelle hesitates. "Actually, that's on hold. Possibly indefinitely."

"Oh?"

"I've…I've met someone."

"Really!?" He shouldn't be so surprised at that. Michelle is the most beautiful woman in the world. It would not be difficult for her to turn some man's head. A lot of men's heads, actually.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. We met at the gym. We got to talking. It's nothing, right now, but I've got a good feeling about him."

"What's he like?" Nelson asks. It should not be this easy, he thinks, to ask his wife—for Michelle is still technically his wife—about the man she's interested in. But she's been so supportive of him and Ruth that it's only fair he show her the same kindness.

"He's a police officer, actually. I didn't even know for a while. But he's quiet and kind. Young, actually. He's thirty-three."

Jesus wept, Nelson thinks to himself, thankfully not out loud. Michelle is forty-six and she's dating a man thirteen years younger. Well, good for her.

"His name is Tim. He couldn't be more different from you in demeanor and looks, but he works for your old squad here in Blackpool. Sort of funny, really."

"Young and fit, definitely nothing like me," he teases.

Michelle laughs, and they're both pleased they can talk this openly. "He's young and extremely fit and he's black, actually. But he's quiet and hard-working like you, so I guess I do have something of a type. Though I think the differences between you and Tim are about as many as between me and Ruth," she points out.

"It's like you said, we've grown over the years. In different ways. This is for the best," he says softly.

"Yeah, it is."

They talk a little longer, more about the logistics of selling the house and getting the divorce moving forward. Her lawyer is going to be the one to file with the court and send the papers to his lawyer. They've both agreed to split up the property evenly between them with her getting the proceeds from the house sale and him keeping his inheritance from his mother. Neither of them is going to fight anything, and if there aren't any delays with the courts, they should be divorced in a few months.

The simplicity of it all does not make him sad. Not the way it had when the prospect had first been put to him when she left. No, hearing that Michelle has found someone and now knowing that Laura and Rebecca like Ruth and Kate, he's feeling very at peace with everything. He's not known to be an optimistic sort of man, but Nelson somehow feels that everything is going to be alright.