Chapter 32.

Cas went to the archives wearing his coat and with his phone in the pocket. Jules was sitting at a desk, reading an old ledger.

She looked up and smiled. "How's Dean?"

"I don't know. It seems too early to call and I don't want him to think I'm checking up on him."

"Why not?" she said, "Isn't that what friends do?"

"Dean has some issues with friendly concern. Since the mind curse, even more issues. Boundaries are more important than they have ever been. He grabbed a chair and sat opposite her. "Jules, I need to talk to you."

"You can always talk to me." she said.

"It's about Meg."

"The demon you used to know?" she said.

"Yes. She died. Crowley killed her. Demons and angels go to the Empty when they die, so she's there, asleep forever." He hated the thought. The Empty had taken so many of his friends.

"Maybe we can get her out." said Jules.

"Yes, maybe." he said, "But that possibility raises a difficult issue. She and I ... "

"Were more than friends?" said Jules.

"No. What's more than friendship?"

"Love." she said.

"Oh. No, I never loved Meg. At least, I don't think so. There was something there, though. Meg could be disturbingly direct. She said things ... We both said things that could be interpreted as promises of future physical ... "

"Oh. So a demon you want to rescue had the hots for you and might think she has a claim on your body. Yes, that is a complication."

"Meg died for us. She didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I've heard the story from Sam." said Jules, "Don't worry, you don't need to explain to me why you want to save her if you can. So, if I can ever think of a way, I'll help you to rescue her and then, if necessary, she and I can fight over you later."

"Would you fight for me?" he said.

"I would." she said, "Thanks for telling me about Meg. I appreciate the honesty. Who knows? Maybe when we meet, she and I will bond over your hotness."

Her stared at the floor, wondering what he should say to that.

"Sorry." she said, "Have I made it awkward?"

"I'm not used to being thought hot." he said, "Most people think I'm a doof."

"I don't think they do." she said.

"Claire does. I think Dean does, a lot of the time."

"That's two people. Now, I'm no mathematician, but that falls a little short of a majority."

"Twice as many people as think I am hot." he said.

"Clearly, Meg thought you were hot."

"She may just have liked the idea of corrupting an angel." he admitted.

"Is that how it seems to you? That a physical relationship would be corrupting?"

"No." he said, "But one with a demon would."

"And you were still interested?" said Jules.

"Is that bad?" he said, "I know it's not great, but is it terrible? I was already fallen and she had fought for us and she was beautiful and wounded and I wanted to save her and that honest desire to help her led me to see her as something other than the abomination I was supposed to see. She had tried to kill John Winchester. She had killed a lot of people. I knew she was evil. In the end, though, she was just Meg to me."

"I'm the last person who would want to criticise you for caring about someone even though she's so far below you. I'm glad you see us down here."

"You're above me, always." he said.

"Was that what you needed to contemplate? Meg?"

"That was part of it." he said.

"Cas? Are you struggling with our relationship?" she asked.

"I struggle with everything. Don't take it personally." he said.

"You could talk to me about it. If you have doubts and fears and uncertainties, don't be afraid to say so."

"I have doubts about everything, including my doubts." he said, "I wish it could all be simple."

"And if you need me to back off and leave you alone for a while, I can do that."

"Is that what you want?" he said. He could hardly blame her. He had given her few reasons to stick around and wait for him to sort through his issues.

"No," she said, "But I want this to be easier for you. If you need space, I can give you space."

"Honestly, I don't know what I need." he said, "I don't know what to say or do. Maybe giving up would be kinder to you. How can I ever make you happy?"

"You did last night." she said.

He smiled. "Last night was incredible."