The blood poured out onto the ground, soaking into the sand. It leaked out from between her fingers as she held her hands over his chest. There was no stopping it. She felt his heart stop under her hands. She had to find the gun. It had to be there somewhere. Everything could be undone. The frigid water swirled up around her, soaking into her dress and causing her bones to ache as she knelt there in the mud. Her hands frantically searched the refuse and rocks along the bottom and came up with nothing. She plunged them back into the icy water in desperation. Finally, her fingers made contact with something solid, unyielding. Just as she began to pull it out from under the surface, something pulled it back. She scrambled back out of the water and screamed and screamed…
Tay's eyes flew open with the sound of her own scream still echoing in her ears. The blanket was damp with sweat and twisted around her legs. She kicked the blankets away and got to her feet, ignoring the feeling of the grit on her feet as she crossed to the door. The room was otherwise empty. With feverish hands she tried the doorknob but it was unyielding. He'd left her alone, locked in and alone, again. Tay ran her fingers along the walls as she began pacing the room in circles. Each piece of furniture, each item in the room by that point so familiar to her that she could easily navigate her way around even in the pitch black darkness. She kept one hand on the wall and the other clutched the key tightly while she tried to slow her breathing. Tay counted her steps as she roamed in circles from the bed to the dresser to the door and back to the bed. The dressing screen and copper bathtub that had been in the room the night of the rally in Greeley Square were gone, leaving a bit more empty space in the room but relieving none of the claustrophobic feelings Tay struggled with as she paced. The room was windowless and Tay was only able to track the passing of time by listening to the rise and fall of voices from the surrounding rooms. There was a gas lamp near the door but she preferred the darkness. It helped her think more clearly. The only noise she could hear was the shuffling of her own feet as she traipsed from one corner of the room to the next.
"It's just a key. It don't mean nothing." The words echoed hauntingly and she recalled the disappointment on Sarah's face but at the same time she didn't feel any regret. If she thought about it, she hadn't really lied. It was a key and it did open a door. Any meaning the key held beyond that depended entirely upon the person. But Tay couldn't have put into words what the key meant, at least not while talking to Jack Kelly's girlfriend. Because the truth was she wasn't even sure why Spot had given her the key and as it always was with him she was too afraid to push the issue.
"Why?"
"You know why."
One simple question. She'd lost count of the number of times she had asked him that question and the answer had almost always been the same. Spot had never been particularly inclined to be open about anything and it had only gotten worse since the night she'd been assaulted. So many things had gone wrong since then. No one else had pulled the trigger and cost a man his life. She'd committed murder. It was the plain simple truth and there was no coming back from that. Tay shuddered as she considered what might have happened if it had taken her even longer to figure out that Spot sending her to Sarah had been a fool's errand. Tay returned to the bed and fell back, defeated. Losing Spot had never been an option but the truth was she had never really considered just how far she would go to keep that from happening. He was right, Tay thought dismally as she remembered Spot pointing out that she had no one but herself to blame for the predicament she found herself in.
It hadn't been that difficult to lose the lackey assigned to watch over her. After all, she knew Manhattan better than most Brooklyn newsies and it took no more than a moment to regain her freedom and start making inquiries about Spot's possible location. Spot had never been able to travel without at least half a dozen street kids recognizing him and a few pennies was all it took to learn he was holed up in the Bowery. Given that his tastes had always run toward local girls, Tay was a little surprised to discover he'd traveled so far just to visit a random brothel. It had taken the better part of an hour to find out Spot was actually holding court with a man Tay did not recognize but she soon discovered he seemed to know all about her. Normally she would have waited, or at least tried to stay out of the way, but there was a sense of danger in the air that unnerved her and caused her to make the mistake of stepping into the middle of the situation.
"She just can't seem to stay away from you, Conlon." The smirk on the man's face widened as Tay moved closer to Spot. It was a dead end alley with buildings reaching up above their heads on both sides. Spot and the stranger stood sideways, each positioning himself so that, if need be, he could make a quick exit. Tay slid behind Spot and into the corner, sensing the need to stay out of the way but also wanting to be there all the same.
"Go home. Now." It was the first time she'd ever seen anything resembling fear in Spot's eyes and it caused the blood in her veins to run ice-cold. Before she could address it the look was gone and he'd turned back toward the stranger, his manner moving easily back toward aloof and unconcerned but just as lethal as always. Tay refused to leave his side and kept her eyes on Spot as the man began to speak.
"I can see the attraction. Of course, that's why you're in this predicament, isn't it, Conlon? Have you told her?"
"Leave her outta this." Tay understood just by listening to Spot's tone that the strange man was on very thin ice. Spot had never been particularly fond of yelling or even raising his voice and in Tay's experience, the lower his voice, the more violent his actions.
"He hasn't told you, has he, pet?" Tay was drawn out of her reverie by the fact that the man was addressing himself to her. She frowned in confusion and glanced over at Spot but he gave nothing away. "A perfect little life, your freedom, your…child. It could have all ended happily. I do apologize for unfortunate circumstances but let's be honest, it was just another bastard.. After all the talk from my boys, I had to admit I was surprised to find out that you were still willing to stand by his side even after he decided to just throw you to the wolves. To allow you to suffer through that and still not give in? I suppose more extreme measure will have to be used."
Tay's hands began to shake and she turned toward Spot. "What is he talking about?"
"Should have taken the deal, Conlon," the man interrupted.
"Answer is still no," Spot replied mildly.
"I'm afraid I can't accept that."
The realization hit Tay so hard that she almost fell back as her thoughts raced and she began to understand just how dire the circumstances were. The stranger was the man she'd been looking for, the one responsible for ordering the assault and clearly intending to use the attack as some sort of message to Spot. Tay was familiar with the different propositions Spot faced from gangs across the city, particularly after the success of the strike, but she'd never expected to be a part of it or used by any of them. Once, she might have told any one who asked that her health or welfare was not that important to Spot but so much had changed in the past few months. But while she believed he loved her, he loved Brooklyn more. That much had not changed and probably never would change. What she realized in that moment was that although she was beginning to understand that she could live without the baby, she could not live without Spot.
Tay slipped her hand inside the bag at her side and drew out the revolver she'd bought off one of the other girls and aimed it at the man. The strange man who had taken almost everything from her and smiled about it. The anger and rage coursed through her as she pulled the trigger without hesitation. The man crumpled to the ground at her feet leaving Tay feeling empty and cold.
Spot intended to drive her insane, that was Tay's only possible answer as she left the bed and began roaming around the room again. He'd left her there, day after day and night after night, alone with her thoughts and struggling to make peace with any of it. Of course there was no peace to be made. She'd killed someone. He was right. She deserved to be locked away from other people. Her body nearly screamed with exhaustion but she dreaded going to sleep. The nightmares occurred every time she closed her eyes and the outcome was always the same. She'd never managed to keep Spot from ending up dead.
A key turned in the lock and the door opened for a split second, causing Tay to freeze in place. She pressed her fingertips against the wall behind her and tried to listen over the sound of her own heartbeat drumming in her ears. Spot was too familiar with darkness, with her, to spend more than a moment searching. Tay found herself caught and pressed against the wall as Spot kissed her roughly, pinning her with one hand on her hip and one hand tangled up in her hair. Her body rose under his touch but her mind grew conflicted even as she kissed him back. Questions tumbled but Tay wasn't sure where she wanted to begin or if she wanted to begin at all. It would have probably been simpler to just delve right into the darkness with him but she gave in to her troubled thoughts.
"Spot, wait…" She pushed back against his chest and Spot let his hand fall from her hair but kept the other on her hip, tracing small circles with his thumb and Tay grew frustrated. He hadn't touched her in weeks and she had a feeling the sour taste of alcohol on his tongue had everything to do with his change of heart. "Where have you been?"
"Out."
"Really?" Tay answered sarcastically. What had she expected him to say? He'd made it abundantly clear that his whereabouts were none of her business all while making sure that he knew exactly where she was at all times. Tay hated the fact that she had missed him, that she had missed his kisses, his hands, everything about him. The intensity of her feelings only frightened and overwhelmed her. She brushed impatiently at his hand but Spot only tightened his grip.
"Anything else you want to know?" It was a dangerous question and Tay's thoughts grew muddled as he drew a line of kisses down her neck. She reminded herself that it was a game, it was all just a cruel game. Of course there were more things she wanted to know, she wanted to know everything but he'd only evade every question or feed her more lies.
"You ain't even answered my first question," Tay pointed out as she tried to escape his grasp.
"I told you, I was out," Spot answered. There was a hard edge in his voice that matched the way his hands grasped at her, fiercely pulling at her clothes. Tay found herself utterly consumed and ended up doing what she had always done with him. She gave in. It wasn't right or proper but Tay no longer cared. She wanted to forget, she needed to forget. Spot's touch was as cool as ice but Tay felt a sharp sting each place he touched her. He was dangerous, there was no doubt in her mind, but it no longer scared her. Part of her wanted to laugh and cry at the same time as she finally allowed herself to admit that she needed him. What Tay didn't know was that Spot desperately needed her, too.
Tay reached down alongside the bed and sorted through the pieces of fabric that lay crumpled on the floor, feeling each item for the key to the door and finding nothing but lint and a few marbles. He left it on the dresser, Tay realized as she raised herself up off the mattress but before she could move more than a few inches Spot grabbed her by the upper arm and pulled her back down onto the bed. She'd waited for what she had thought must have been at least an hour, believing Spot had finally fallen asleep but she'd clearly been mistaken.
"Nice try, doll." The subtle hint of amusement in Spot's voice only irritated Tay further as he slid over top of her and gathered his pants up around his waist before he stepped across the small room to turn on the gas lamp near the door.
"Where is it?" Tay asked. Her eyes searched the room but there was no sign of the key and Spot's smirk only widened as he watched her desperation grow. She stormed out of the bed and crossed the room to stand face to face with him. "I want that key, Conlon. I ain't spending another second in this room. Your whores may love staying here but…"
The last syllable had just left her lips when he knocked her to the ground. She ended up scuffing her elbow against the floor as she tumbled and gritted her teeth in pain. There was one quick moment of silence as she waited for any blows to follow but when they didn't, she took inventory and found that other than a small scrape and the ringing in her right ear where he'd struck her, there wasn't much damage. Tay returned to sit on the edge of the bed while Spot remained standing, staring at her with a somber expression.
"I should have listened to Sarah," Tay told him. The scrape on her elbow burned as she touched it gingerly, fuming inwardly about the fact that she'd allowed herself to think he had changed just because he hadn't hit her since the night she'd miscarried. "She told me to leave you."
"You'll be dead before you hit the bridge." His voice was so cold and Tay had never become used to how easily he dismissed her, like she meant nothing. Each time she stepped closer to believing he was capable of any kind of attachment or sentiment, he'd turn the tables and she'd just be the victim of another one of his cruel tricks.
"I wish you would just kill me," Tay whispered fiercely. The words escaped her throat before she could bite them back. She scanned the room with a disgusted look as her eyes moved from one sight to the next. It was all so familiar, down to each and every petal on the rose patterned wallpaper. Twice before he had brought her to that room and the thought of spending one more day there staring at those same four walls made her want to scream.
"This was my mother's room." Tay sat in stunned silence as she stared at Spot. His expression was pained and it was the most vulnerable Tay had ever seen him. He glanced at her quickly before looking away again. "She used to stay here back in the day when Medda was getting her start in Brooklyn. They was friends. She was a seamstress, making costumes and things like that. This place used to be a theater but then Medda moved over to Manhattan and.…"
He'd never told her anything about his mother beyond mentioning once how she'd committed suicide. The interior of the room had clearly changed, giving way to any number of inhabitants but Tay had no idea it meant more to Spot than just a room for rent.
"The lady who owns the joint lets me spend the night here sometimes but I ain't ever brought anyone else here before 'cept you. No one else knows about me staying here so it's the only place I could think of where you'd be safe."
Tay felt her insides twist as she listened to Spot's halting explanation. She wanted so badly to believe him, to feel that there was some truth to what he was saying but he'd lied so often and so well that she didn't know what to think. He claimed to have picked the room as somewhere she would be safe but given that just moments before he'd shown himself to be just as capable of violence as before, she had to wonder if it was all just another attempt to try and twist things around.
"That's why you brought me here? To keep me safe? From who? 'Cause from what I can tell the only person causing me any pain is you but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised by that."
"You have no idea the things I've done for you. I tried to keep you safe and no matter what you seem to think, I'm still trying to do just that."
"By keeping me locked inside this room forever?"
"At least until you learn to listen." Tay's blood nearly boiled when she heard the scorn in his voice, the way he so simply took her freedom but she also knew that the choice to follow him that night, the choice to pull the trigger and end an man's life had been all her own. Spot had tried to warn her but she was too caught up in her own inner turmoil to even register what he was trying to get her to understand.
"I can handle things on my own," Tay told him.
"And a fine mess you made of everything. I told you not to get involved in Brighton, you didn't listen. I tried to keep you outta Brooklyn, you came back. Don't act like this is some kind of surprise 'cause I told you what I'd do if you didn't stay outta my business."
"Your business? I'm sorry but when did you get attacked? When did you lose everything? I can't believe you actually thought I would just sit there and do nothing."
"It wasn't your place, Tay."
"Why the hell not? 'Cause I ain't the leader? 'Cause I ain't the one whose name scares kids in every borough in this city? How long did you expect me to sit there while you lied to me and told me you didn't know anything?"
"You weren't supposed to be there," Spot reiterated. His eyes seemed to be made of stone but there was a slight tremble that Tay just barely registered. Spot dropped his gaze to the floor and spoke more to himself than to her. "You don't understand."
Exhaustion showed on every feature and Tay wanted to reach out to touch him but knew he would only spurn her advances. They were both on edge, unsure of which way they would fall. Tay ran her fingers along the leather cord that held the key and for a brief moment she considered giving it back but he'd never allowed her that close before, he'd never seemed so close to being capable of revealing his true feelings. It was illuminating but incredibly frightening at the same time.
"I had that dream again," Tay said quietly, if only to break up the heavy silence that hung between them.
"I know."
"You may be good at knowing people but you can't read my mind, Spot Conlon." Tay felt satisfied in seeing Spot's mood lift slightly as she sassed him.
"People who sleep well don't go roaming around their room in the dark," Spot pointed out. "Every time you have that dream you end up the same way. Any chance you want to talk about it this time?"
"There's nothing to talk about." Of course he'd know about the nightmares. The few times he had spent the night with her, he'd been the one who had found her trembling in fear and tried his best to soothe her.
"You still ain't told me why or how you ended up there that night."
It would have caused so much more trouble if she was honest with him. Spot took so much pride in being unpredictable, never letting anyone in, acting as an enigma that Tay wasn't sure she wanted to suggest that she knew him better than anyone. Sending her to Manhattan only days after he'd threatened to lock her up, or throw her back in the Refuge, had only alerted her to the idea that he needed a distraction or a way to escape her detection. He hated Manhattan, he always had and to send her there to see the person he knew she hated most? There was more to it than a thank you and while she didn't relish the fact that it took her so long to figure it out, she had figured out that something was up and it wasn't exactly something she felt he needed to know.
"'Cause maybe I'm smarter than you give me credit for," Tay finally answered.
"Maybe you are," Spot admitted. Tay felt stunned for only a moment before he continued. "But the thing is, you didn't think about what's coming next so you might be congratulating yourself on solving one problem but you got no clue about what'll happen next, doll."
