-Seth's POV Dec 6 1993 5:10 pm- I feeling a bit shitty. Knowing that I had no real friends, and that was the main thing I was wishing for more than anything else. I wanted a fucking friend. I needed a fucking friend, and have somebody who was going to be able to make myself feel better in all honesty. I mean, as nice as having my brothers and Lydia was, I felt like I needed to have something bigger than that to be making me feel better.

I felt like I just needed to find some form of a way to make them all feel better. I just felt like it was the least that I could have done. But at the same time, I had felt like I needed to just find something to say to make the siblings feel like they were not forced to try and make me feel better. As much as it was hurting to know that they did not need to be there to make me feel better, it hurt me even more to know that I will always be the least popular of the siblings.

But despite what I was feeling at that moment, I had felt like I just needed to find something else to sort of make myself feel like I was not in such a bad spot. I needed to just go on and try to reach out to the people that I went to school with. I needed to try and discourse with them. I needed to actually place in the effort. Doing this, staying around, and stewing in my hatred, was not going to be making things any different, and maybe even worse now.

I was feeling like if I hated the position that I was in so much, I needed to go on and actually try and make some friends. You know, make it seem like I know what I was doing. This was the best that I can do right now. I just needed to try and find a way to speak with them in a way that would make it seem like I sort of knew what was going on. I was feeling like the longer that I talked with them, and got to know them, the easier that things would have been. The better that things could have been in all reality.

I had wondered what I was going to do to get some real friends. That was the only thing that I had felt like I needed to be looking at right now. I just needed to show somebody my personality, and show some people that I was not a bad guy. No matter what it was going to be taking in order to get there, I just needed to sort of know what I was getting myself into. I needed to at least sort of be ready for the growing level of embarrassment.

The one thing that I was truly unsure of was why I was suddenly caring so much. Why I had gone all of this time, not giving a single shit, and then suddenly when I was in fifth grade, almost half way through my school life, I suddenly decided to make it feel like it did matter, and that I needed to try and do something else. I guess that there comes a point in time when everybody is just tired of being treated like a load of shit and stuff.

I was honestly just hating this whole thing.

As I was finally starting to realize how pathetic I was being right now, and how much I was just being stupid right now, I was then shaking my head, sort of hating myself. I hated myself in a lot of ways. I knew that I was too young to be doing something like this. But I could not fucking help it. I could not help but feel utter anger over myself, and not be angry with the people who were never going to be giving me some form of a chance in the end of the day.

I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I just needed to be taking it easy, and realize that this was not that big of a deal, and that I was just making a huge issue over no real reason, and that I was needing to be taking it easy. That was when I was just looking at the blank television, thinking of something I could use for material and shook my head. I was placing my feet on the living room table, feeling like I was having virtually nothing at all.

I was thinking of if Josiah was at least putting up some good songs. If he was having some good songs that he was making, then that would be making me feel like we had a plan after all. A plan to sort of know what the heck we were doing in the first place. I was hating the fact that I was going to need to rely on Josiah and his friends on this to try and make the situation better, and I was feeling like I just needed to find some better way to be going at this. To not be feeling like I was going crazy at this whole entire thing. But then that was when there was a slight movement at the door knob.

I was then thinking that it was just one of my siblings, and decided not to be thinking too much into it. That was when I was looking at the television again, just trying to feel like I was going to be so much better right now. But then before I was thinking about it too much longer, that was when I was hearing Josiah, which at first I thought I could use this as a chance to get to know what he was planning. But then that was when I was seeing Josiah and some random blonde dude that I had never met before, and I was wondering what I could say to him to make him know that I needed to talk with him, and that I wanted to see who this bloke was that he was talking with.

"Who is that person you are hanging out with? Never seen them before..." I said, and I was hating myself even more now. The fact that he was able to go out and actually get to see somebody else who was willing to hang out with him, when nobody liked me, and probably thought of me as worthless garbage. I was hating every minute of it, and I was wishing that I could be able to find something better here, and that maybe I just needed to be more mature on what was going on here. If such a thing was even going to be possible.

"His name is Simon. Only just met him today, I don't think you would know anything about him." After Josiah was telling me this, he was looking like he was wanting to be pleasant. But at the same time, I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of if he had wanted to continue this discussion, and that he was clearly just sort of wishing that I would leave the subject alone, and not be making it seem like I was pushing him too much with this.

"This is my younger brother Seth. He is the one that I am going to be working with in order to have a good show for the talent show soon." Josiah said, and I was seeing a relatively mixed look on his face. I did not know if that was a good thing or not. But I was telling myself that as long as he was being polite with this, the more likely it would be that I would be able to impress this guy, or at least get him to accept my company.

"Did Josiah force you into joining him up for the performance?" I asked, hoping to be coming off as kind of funny, and I did not think that he was actually going to be giving me a concrete answer one way or another. "I mean, he often times tries to reach out to people to get them to join his stuff. Since he loves to be doing stuff like that." I was only partially telling the truth when I was telling him that, and I did not think what I was saying actually mattered that much.

"Well, I would not have done if it he did not talk with me first. I mean, I always think that this stuff is a bit strange for me. I always feel like if I try to present myself, then people will just always go on and find it funny, and find a good way to be making fun of me here." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying to make it seem casual. But I do think there was something else he was wishing to say. But did not really have the balls to be doing such a thing.

"Why do you hate going on and performing in public? I mean, I always liked to do it. A lot of time it does not work out. But I certainly enjoy at least trying, and I know that if I don't at least try, then I will be feeling like I am not really accomplishing too much here." I was saying, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But he was shrugging, thinking that maybe I was fine enough right now.

"I guess that you are not a person who is worried. I wished that I had that type of mentality. To just go on and not give a damn what people would be saying around me. If I did not care so much, then things might have been better for me. But to be honest, I think that there is some good about always looking for ways to not be making things too obvious. Because doing that helps prevent looking like you don't really understand comedy. Or music for me." Simon said, and then I was seeing him looking he wished to say more, but I felt like I needed to break down something else.

"Did you just suggest that you know me? I mean, you were mentioning jokes. Have you seen my stuff before? " I asked, and then I was feeling like I was being a bit dumb, and that maybe Josiah already told him. I was rolling my eyes, hating how stupid I was being, and that maybe I just needed to think about that before I said anything else here.

"Well, Josiah told me about the fact that it is like your thing. Also, I think that I have seen you perform once or twice, although I did not make the connection until now. My younger sister kind of likes you, although I do not think she would want to go on and admit that too much." After he was telling me this, I was looking at him, shocked that he had just admitted that. But I needed to know where he was coming from right now.

"Do I know her? Maybe I go to school with her or something..." I said, trying to find a way to be making this work out for my favor, and I was feeling like maybe when he would give me more details, I would have a starting spot, and I would be able to work with some information that he was giving me right now. I truly wanted to find something to make it look like I was going to have a starting spot to maybe branch out with some friends.

"She would be too young to know you. She is in the same grade as that Lydia girl. And I think that maybe she would not like to admit that she liked your stuff if somebody were to try and ask her." Simon said, and then I looked down, wishing that he did not say that to me. That he would have found something else to say that would have made me feel so much better. But that was just not going to fucking happen.

"Just when I thought that I had a classmate who might have liked my stuff, and that I could have reached out and made some friends. You seriously got my hopes up for a moment." I said, and I was sounding like a person who needed to just stop, before I made things worse for myself. Simon looked right at Josiah, clearly looking like he had wanted to say more. But was too worried to try and say something, in fear of how I was going to be reacting right now.

Then he looked right at me, thinking that he could try and say something else. "Listen, if somebody I know likes your jokes, then clearly there must be people in your grade who will like it. I am not really all that worried about it. I think that you will just have to look a bit harder. But for the sake of getting some people to interact with you, I think that it could be worth it." He was telling me, looking like he genuinely wanted to try and find some way to make it seem better.

"I guess that this might be true. But I feel like trying to find that person would take forever. And if they do, then they have not made any effort to try and find me, and try to show me that they like the stuff I present." I said, and then I looked right at him, wondering if he was going to try and debate with me on this, or if he was going to just be leaving me alone for the time being.

"I guess you are just going to have to look harder. I mean, if it helps you find somebody that likes you, then I think that something like this might be worth it." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely meaning it, and that he was wanting to help me out. But at the same time, I truly had no idea what I was going to try and say now. It just felt like it was a bit pointless now.

"Well, anyways, what type of music are you guys thinking about performing? You know, to make sure that you guys can be able to have a good performance." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was kind of interested to know why I was just forcing us to change the subject, and if I was hiding something when I was doing this. I mean, I just did not want to be making him feel like he had to deal with me any longer was the thing.

"Well, we are thinking that we might be going for rock. Sort of like what he usually does. Maybe throw in one pop song or something, just to maybe have the audience get a little bit more interested. Maybe use that as an in-between song. But I think we will mostly stick to the former." Simon told me, and then he was shrugging, feeling like he had no need to try and tell me anything else, and that he was being a bit uncertain what I was accomplishing now.

"I hope that it is going to be going well. I think that if you want to get the people to really enjoy what you are doing, the performance will have to be just alright. I mean, people barely perform music at the school talent shows. I think you will be doing just fine when you get up there, and show yourself." I was saying, and I was truly meant what I had been saying. I did not feel like what he was dealing with would have been all that strange.

"Well, if what you are saying is true, then I guess that we might be able to have a good time getting right into this. I was just worried that we were going to be getting decimated at the performance and stuff." After Simon was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be saying more. But he was clearly looking like there was just virtually nothing else that I could say that could make things seem any different. But to be honest, I just did not really fucking even care at all.

"I think that we should probably be getting right to work soon. You know, so we can have a good start on what to be presenting to the school. I hope that you will have something soon enough. I think that if you try hard enough, you will be able to have something that you can work with. I think that you have nothing that you need to worry about right now." Josiah said, and then he was looking as if he was wishing to be saying more. But he did not want to say anything else, in fear that maybe we would just be wasting our time with this.

"Alright, I will be doing this. I mean, I just feel bad because I always feel like my jokes are not funny, and that nobody likes them. It makes me feel like shit when I do stuff like this, and that nobody really even cares for my humor. And I am honestly just kind of shocked that nobody makes fun of me over it." I said, and then that was when Josiah was thinking that maybe he was needing to say more. But that he was truly having no idea what he was even able to say to change my mind on this.

"If people don't make fun of you over it, that is a sign that there are probably at least some people out there who like it. I think you need to consider that you are liked by the school. But that maybe you do not try and reach out to them enough, and that is why you don't know this stuff right now." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing Josiah looking like he was mostly meaning what I had been saying right now.

"Maybe you're right. I don't know though. I just wish that I knew what I was doing though. It would make me feel better to know what is happening though." I said, and then I was feeling like I needed to just stop whining, and not be making a huge deal out of this whole thing. But to be honest, the whole thing was just going to be hard to do, and that was all that I was wanting to stop worrying on, and make myself feel better.

"Well, for real this time, we really do need to be getting to work. I hope that you will be fine enough." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him starting to head off, and I was sighing, feeling like I needed to know more of what I would say to make it feel different. But it had felt like it was just going to be a waste of time, and that I just needed to find something else to be doing. To try and change my focus, and make me think on something else.

But despite what the heck was going on, I was feeling like I needed to find something else to be talking over. I had felt like I just needed to focus on the notes, and that maybe in order to not fail my brother, and fail his friend, I was going to need to get serious soon, and that by doing this, I could be able to show people that I will be aware of how I am doing. That was all that I was needing to do. All that I was wanting to truly do.

I was then just getting up, and going right to my room, where I was picking up my jokes book, and then I was sitting down, feeling like maybe when I was working to make sure that things were good with my brother, that things were not all that bad. I was feeling like it was going to be the biggest thing that I can be looking for. I was just taking out a pencil, and I was thinking on what I could be able to do to start. What I was wanting to do to start, and to know what the heck I was going to be going down, and the path that this series was going to lead me.

...

-Dec 6 1993 9:20 pm- I was thinking about what the heck I was going to be doing right now, if I had any real plans right now. I was thinking that I just needed to get some fucking plans, and actually show people that I sort of knew what I was going to be doing now. I was then starting to look at Seth and Simon, and was thinking about what it would be like to have an actual friend. I was then starting to just go outside. Not to go anywhere or anything, but to just relax for a bit.

As I was outside, and waiting for a bit, I was wondering what I was going to be doing now. I was staring at the night sky, wanting to make some friends, and wanting to get people to pay attention to me. It was all that I had wanted. It was the only thing I needed, and the only thing that would be making me feel much better about what was going on here. And I needed to show people what I was going to be getting myself into in the long run.

I was thinking about the road that I was taking now. I was thinking that maybe I was just going to have to find somebody who lived nearby. As I was thinking that this was a starting point, I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like this was going to be my starting point, and that I would just see what was going on with him. I was needing to be making peace with how hard this was going to be, but I was also going to just try and see how things were going to go before I whined too much on this.

I was then starting to try and wrap my mind around what I would tell people if I was to start to approach them. If I was going to approach them, I was feeling like they might be a bit confused, maybe slightly annoyed, but I had felt like they were going to be getting over it and stuff. I was just feeling like maybe I would try and be cordial with them, and that by doing this, I would get them to start to feel like I was making something actually work.

I was taking a deep breath, and then I was thinking that maybe I could always just look for somebody that I could talk with, and not only look for them, but be able to find a person who would actually listen to me, and be able to give me a chance, and see what the heck they would be wishing to tell me in the first place. I was just wanting to do this before anybody would know that I was doing something relatively stupid, so that would not be able to try and stop me from doing that.

I was starting to walk down the steps to the house, and I had taken a couple of steps, when I was hearing a call to me. It was Todd, and he was sounding both worried and slightly annoyed, but not angry. I was feeling like maybe he was just wanting to see if I was alright, and see if there was truly a chance he was going to be able to help me out in the long run.

"Seth, what is making you feel like going out in the middle of the night is a great idea? I mean, that might be really fucking dangerous, and I think that you should probably not do something like this." Todd was telling me, and he was just looking at me, and he was clearly wanting to find something to tell me, and I was feeling like he might be wanting to just keep how angry he was over this statement to himself. But then I was taking a deep breath, wishing to just find something to say.

"Just going out for a bit. I am feeling like I need to just find something to do to make me feel relaxed and calm. I know that it might not seem like a great idea to be doing this when it is getting late. But I know not to get too far away from the house." I said, and then I was looking down, hoping that I would not have to look at Todd, and that my lie would be enough for him to be going easy on me, and not be going in my business with what I was doing.

"What are you not telling me? If you feel like there is something going on, that you need to talk care of, I might be able to help you out." After he was saying this to me, I was just wanting to tell him off, and I was wanting to just be left alone. At least when I was alone, I would have some time to be thinking about what I was actually doing, and I would not be making things any worse, and I would be able to truly think about what I was doing.

After another couple of seconds, to sort of show that he was not letting anybody hear what we were talking about, he closed the door, and then he was looking right at me, clearly thinking that he just needed to hear what I was going to be trying to say to him right now. "Look, the door is closed. If there is something that you want to talk about, but don't want them to hear, then you do not have to be worried about that anymore." He was saying, and I knew he was just trying to help out, and that he was being the best that he could be given the situation.

"I want to make some friends. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of people always just leaving me alone. Just thinking of me as a pure clown for nothing else than entertainment. I mean, I know that I make a lot of jokes, and that I often times show myself as the comedian. But god damn it, I just want people to be able to look at me as something more than just that." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he would want to be telling me right now, if he wanted to say anything in the first place.

"Seth, you do not need to worry about it. I know that it is something that you are bothered with on a deeply personal level. I know how much it hurts you when this is happening. I know that you want people to finally treat you with more respect. I get what it would be like if I was in your spot. But I think that you need to know that there are people who are willing to be there for you, if you were to need to discuss what is going on here." Todd was telling me, and then he was thinking of something that he would be able to say to me to change my perspective.

"Tell you what... You try to go out there, and you try to make a friend. Simple as that. If you do not have one by the end of the next week, then I will try to find one for you, with some connections I can use. That way you can have somebody there for you before you go into winter break." He was saying to me, and I was aware that his heart was in the right place, but I needed to find something else to say to him for him to know that I was really not wanting him to be fighting my battles for me.

"I want to go on and see how it can be working on my own. I mean, even if I was to get rid of all of the jokes, and not be onto that on a regular basis, what would I be able to do to get them to change their mind on me? I mean, I am not that interesting of a guy. I barely have any real traits to me that show people that I know what I am doing with myself." I said, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering what he was going to tell me. If he was willing to help, or just say something to make me feel better.

"Honestly, I think that you are underselling yourself. I mean, you do seem to be a person who cares about what others feel. I mean, I remember the one time when you were about nine years old, and there was Lydia when she was five, and she came home crying from school one day because people made fun of her hair. You were the one who stayed there with her, and you were the one that helped her feel better. You did not go away from her, and you did not let her feel bad for simply being herself." After Todd said that to me, I was shaking my head, feeling like he was trying too hard for me.

"I know you are just saying this to make me feel better. I mean, what have I really been able to bring to the family. Sure I might have made Lydia feel better about something simple two years ago. But I barely did anything for my other siblings. I oftentimes snapped at Josiah. I mean, every time he tries to help me out, I brush him off. I brush everybody off, because I am too scared to be looking at myself on the mirror. The ugliest member of the family." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was seeming to be mostly hurt when he was hearing me say this about myself.

"What makes you feel like you are so much uglier than all of us? Is it because of the acne you are starting to grow? Everybody when they are your age grows some on themselves." After he was telling me this, I knew that he was wanting to find something to say to make me feel better, but that this was just something that was not going to truly change how I had been feeling so far. I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to change what he was saying about me. To stop trying to fake praise me when I knew that nobody meant it.

"Maybe that is true. But it makes me look gross, and it makes me look like somebody who has no real taste in himself. No real wish to take care of themselves. I always feel like I failed you guys. I know that you guys talk about me behind my back. I know that you guys talk about how weird I am, and that you guys would wish that I would stop trying to be so happy about life all the time. You guys hate it, and I would wish you guys would stop pretending to not be bothered baout it." I said, and then I was feeling like I was really going to be getting deep with this.

"Nobody wants you to stop. Sure, most of the time, we do not get the jokes. Sure most of the time, we feel like you might be trying a bit too hard. But that is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to go out and be yourself, and I do not want you to be feeling like this is the case. I want you to try and feel better about yourself. That way you can show people that you do not feel like you are making a giant mistake or anything like that." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, and help me feel better on this whole thing.

"But when you say stuff like this, it feels like you are clearly indicating that you are not a big fan of my stuff. You admit that I am not really all that funny, and that I just need to stop. It hurts me when I hear people say this. Knowing that everything that I wanted to do is just gone. It makes me feel like nobody likes me. It makes me feel fucking stupid. It makes me feel fucking lost." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like Todd was going to try and find something else to defend himself. But he was clearly looking like he was sort of in a lost position on this, and that he was just wishing to get himself out of this, to make himself feel better with this.

"Seth, you do not need to worry about this stuff. You are in the fifth grade. You are so young to be going on and making a big deal on this stuff. You need to go on and just relax. You need to be feeling better about yourself. Seeing you like this, like you are just lost on how to be feeling, it makes me feel worse. I know that you are just being yourself, but I need you to understand that this is not that huge of a deal in the long run." Todd said, wanting to find more, but did not feel the need to.

"I wish that you were right. I guess that maybe it would not hurt to try and be like this. I wish that I was able to look at things, and not be so worried how it was all going. But I don't know if I will ever be able to really reach that point. It might be too hard for me to fully get over it. But now I just wish that I had a plan to be able to get through and not look like a fucking loser, and a desperate freak, when I am doing it." I was saying, wondering what the hell he was going to try and say to me to feel differently. Or if he was actually going to respect where I was coming from, and not be treating me like I was invalid for feeling this way at all.

"Just do what you feel like you are doing best. Just be a person who is truly like yourself. Some people are going to like that honest persona. Not that stuff that makes you look like you are just trying too hard to appeal to somebody because you do not want to be coming off as a person who tries too hard. Come on, we can talk about it somewhere else than outside the house." Todd said, and then pulled out his car keys, looking like he was caring too much on this to do anything else.

...

-Dec 6 1993 11:35 pm- We sat down at some form of fast food place. Todd was looking right at me, and he was looking like he was wanting to say something. As if he was trying to find the best way to give me a bullshit excuse on how I had been looking too deeply into this whole thing. I was really not in the mood for this, but I was feeling like he was going to be making it all feel even worse if I did not have something to say to make any real difference.

"I know that there are a lot of stuff that you are wanting to talk about, and I was hoping that maybe when we are alone, you and I can talk about it a bit more." Todd said, and then he was placing his hands together, looking right at me, and he was looking like he was wanting to see what I was actually planning on telling him right now. I was feeling like I just needed to find something to say to make him feel like I was not too worried on what we were doing right now. Even though I knew that this was not really possible.

"Honestly, there is nothing that I can be able to tell you. I think that even if I were to try and see what I can say to make this whole thing better, it would just be a really fucking hard task." I said, and then I was just wishing to be finding something else to say to make him feel better right now. I just felt so fucking lost on what I had been going through.

"Josiah was telling me that there was a girl that you used to like, and that you are feeling like everything was kind of lost when you were never able to go on and reach out to her. I guess she was sort of a case of being the one who got away." He was telling me, and then I was slowly nodding, wishing that I could say more. But in all honesty, I had sort of made my peace with that, and kind of wished that he did not bring this up to me for how annoying it could be.

"I got over it. But it did help me sort of focus on what I feel like is more important. You know, the fucking ideas of making my jokes work better. I had wanted to initially do it as a way to be able to express myself more, and get something done for the shows around town. But after a while, I was starting to present myself because I have started to like it." I said, and then I was shaking my head, wanting to say more, but did not feel the need to be doing this.

"I just wish that I could be able to tell you more. But I feel like if I were to be saying anything else, you would probably just roll your eyes at what I would say, and tell me to focus on something else." I said, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering if he was going to say that maybe something like this was true, or if I was wrong about him, or if he was going to lie. I did not know which one it was going to be, and to be honest, I did not care all that much what he would try and tell me.

"Well, I was your age once, and I remember when I was thinking that some of the issues that I had gone through were the biggest things in the world. I am not going to be making fun of you that much over this. I might not get it, but I am not going to say anything. You are a nice guy, and I think that you deserve a chance to have something work." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him wishing to say something else, but did not really feel the need to do this since it was not that huge of a deal.

"I know that you were my age once, which is the main reason that I feel like there is some chance that you can truly speak to me in a way that I feel like can connect us." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wishing to be saying more. But did not really feel the need to waste my time on this, and that if I said more, then he was just going to try and tell me some random advice to be making me feel better, when I had no idea how well it was going to actually help.

I mean, I had nothing against the guy or anything. But I had felt like maybe he was just trying too hard to be making me feel better, and as a result, I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be able to find a way to talk and not make him feel like I was trying too hard, and that I was just being a bit pushy. In all honesty, I had felt like that was the main issue that I was going to be having right now. The fact that I was pushing him off without even giving him a chance.

As I was looking at him, I decided that I was going to be patient with him, and not be a massive dick right now. "In all honesty, I want to just know what can connect with people. If I knew how I could be able to connect with the people that I go to school with, and connect with them in an actual matter, then I feel like I could be able to make something of a difference. But right now, when I have nothing, that is where I feel like I am going to have nothing now." I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to find more to say, but could not have any ideas.

"Well, if you want to go on and make some friends, I think you need to do something that I know you will not really much like. That is the idea that you just need to go out, and talk with them personally. You need to get to know them. You need to connect with them, and when you do something like that, then you might be able to sort of know what you are going to be getting yourself ready for." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly wishing to see where I was going to be going with this idea.

"Honestly, I feel like I am just sort of going to be making myself come off as a even bigger idiot if I do that than if I just stuck around, and did not make a issue out of it. I just want to go on and find out what type of things that I can say that will make them like me. You know, that one fucking like potion in a way that I could find that would give me the answers that I need. But for now, I feel like I just need to find something else to be doing to make it all make at least some sense." I was saying, just wanting to see if he was going to be taking what I had been saying a bit more seriously, or if he had no idea what he was wishing to tell me now.

"I don't know why you feel like there is more to it than what I have been saying. It is really as simple as just going out there and talking. I think that the faster you do this, the faster you will know that I am telling you the truth. Just go on and do it. Don't worry about what other people are going to be saying to you, and just sort of make the most out of it that you can. I think you just need to do what you can right now." Todd was saying, and then I was thinking of what I was going to say now.

"I guess that maybe I could try. I mean, the worst that would come out of them not liking me is the idea that I could have to find somebody else. I mean, I can get over that soon enough, I think. But I think that I could need to just do it, and see what they would say, before I reject or accept the idea that these people know what they are doing." I was saying, and then I was nodding, looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to get Todd to say. He just nodded, feeling glad that I was not beating myself up right now, and willing to give it a try.

...

-Dec 7 1993 1:43 am- I was sitting down, thinking about what Todd and I had discussed, after our nearly ninety minute passionate discussion about what I should be doing with my life. I was feeling like when I was going to come up with a final choice, I would just need to see that Todd was doing what he was feeling like was going to be a good life style. I mean, I just felt like I needed to give him more of a chance, and that maybe his statement was going to be valid. I just felt like this was too much for me to really understand, I needed to just sort of be fine with it all.

I was feeling like I needed to find a way to make him see that I was listening to him. I mean, that was all that I could do. I wanted to show him that I did hear him, and that I was going to just have to be over it all. The whole thing was just going to be hard to handle, and I was going to just have to be fine with it all. And if I was going to make a issue on this, I would need to find a way to go through all of this in a different perspective.

I was feeling like I was being a bit stubborn. I knew that being stubborn was going to be only making things worse. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get over it all. No matter how much I was going to change in myself, I was feeling like I just needed to sort of know what I was trying to do. I was needing to bring it all together. To sort of make it feel like I was not really all on my own.

I was feeling like maybe the fact that Josiah was having somebody new to hang out with was the one thing that just sort of ruined it all. I had wished that I could have treated this better, and that I could have been more honorable about the way that I treated my family. But I did not even care anymore. I just was being the way that I was wanting, and that was all that I was needing to sort of get over in a way.

I was going to just have to accept the fact that my brother was feeling the best for me. He did have good intentions, and I had felt like I needed to just sort of get over it. I sort of needed to accept the fact that he was truly trying to be helping me out. I did not know why I was being so rude to him. He did not deserve anything like this, and I was feeling like I was being a bit silly over this whole thing.

I was standing up, feeling like I was just needing to finally fine a way to get over this whole thing. I was thinking about maybe sneaking out, and going around to the town, and seeing what I could do to get a start on setting myself up for a friendship. I mean, I was being a bit silly. I did not know what the heck was going on in my mind, but I was just truly wanting to find a way to be making it look like I was going to finally have a start.

But despite everything that was going on, deep down inside, I knew that I was being fucking stupid. I felt like I needed to just finally take a moment to sleep for a bit, and actually think about what I was getting myself into. Perhaps with some fucking sleep, I would be fine, and I would start to see that my brother was right. I was being fucking ridiculous. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to go out and see what he was feeling, and maybe if I could see what he was wanting to tell me, I would sort of help him out. But despite how much I was wishing to feel this way, I just felt like I was going to need to finally see how I could make it all different for the best.

But there was something that I felt like I needed to sort of understand. I needed to sort of understand why my family cared so much about me. I mean, aside from being biologically related, I was feeling like I needed to just find a way to make them see that I needed to not have them at my side so much. That I just needed to sort of be on my own, and not show anybody that I was truly starting to freak out over this all.

I was shaking my head, feeling like I just needed to sort of know what I had been getting myself into. I was thinking that Todd was going to be mad at me if he knew that I was going to possibly not listen to him. In a way, I felt like he would just snap at me, and tell me that this was all my fault, and that I just needed to fucking get over it, and not be making things even worse for me, just because I wanted to do something else.

Eventually, I knew that I was going to need to concede that maybe I should at least look at what my older brothers were doing, and see that maybe my younger siblings cared as well. Maybe if I could get some change in this, I could finally help out. I wanted to fucking help out, and see where they were coming from. I just needed to fucking grow up and see where this was coming from in my own way, no matter how much I may have wanted or not wanted to.

...

-Dec 7 1993 4:27 pm- I was hanging out after school, mainly in the lunch room, trying to think of some stuff that I could write for my show. I had felt like giving a good performance was more important than anything else, and that I needed to just spend my time here to make sure that the jokes were going to be as good as possible. but despite this, and despite not wanting to admit it, I knew that I needed to go on home soon, and not make my parents worried or annoyed with me.

I just wanted to stay here, and make sure that I knew what I was going to want to present, since I had felt like that was the most important thing that I could be doing. I needed this to work, and I did not give a single shit what in the world people were going to be thinking. I needed to finally carry through, and make sure that the material that I had truly captured what I wanted to present as well as what the others wanted to present as well.

In all honesty, if I had some friends to help me out, and give me some ideas, I had felt like perhaps I would use this as a chance to get some work done on my material. I was feeling maybe making a friend would have helped out more than anything else, and that I just needed to maybe get one of them to start to feel like they could like what I have been working on.

I was not even caring about the whole fact that I would have to go on and branch out to other people anymore. I did not care about that anymore because caring about that was the main reason that I had been stuck here this whole time. I wanted to make the people see my talents, and maybe just getting out of my comfort zone, and seeing what my classmates were like would have been the only thing that really mattered.

I was seeing that there were some other people in the room that looked like they had been on their own thing, sort of minding their own business. I had felt like I needed to just talk with them, and see what they were like, and if they did not want to talk with me, then at least I can say that I tried to do my best, and I can at least say that I put the cards on the table, and let them have a chance to be seeing what I could have been like. So it would be worth it all at the end.

I was walking over to the closest table to me, figuring that the less effort I put, the better that it would be for me. Once I sat down, I was looking right at the guy, and I was seeing him looking confused at me, and looking like he was wanting me to leave him alone. I knew that this was going to be a bad idea, and I knew that I needed to abort right away, knowing that he would be a lost cause before I even had a chance.

"Hey, I saw that you were alone, and I was wondering if you needed anybody to go on and talk to." I said, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, as if telling me that I needed to stop right now before I made the situation even worse for him and myself. I wanted to say more, but had no idea what the heck I was even going to be saying.

"Well, I am doing alright. I just like to be alone. Not having to deal with people who don't like me, and don't want to be bothered getting to know me, and only pretend like they might like me." The guy said, and I was taken back by this guy. He had even bigger issues than I did, and that was really saying something. But I had felt like I just needed to find something to say right now to get him to calm the hell down.

"Do you have anybody that you hang out with or something?" I asked, truly wanting to sound like a bloke who cared for his well being, even if it was going to be fucking hard to do. But I was just wanting to him feel like there was somebody who wanted to at least try and get to know him. Try and see what he was like, and see if maybe I could help him out branch more, and see that he was worried too much over nothing.

"I don't like hanging out with anybody, since doing that is just going to make me feel like a idiot when they eventually drop me like a sack of potatoes who think that I have served my purpose." He was saying, and I was feeling like this guy was making me look normal, and I knew that I needed to try and help him out. I needed to try and make him feel like there was nothing he needed to worry about, and that maybe we could be friends, if he was willing to give me a chance, and show him that I was not doing this for anything at all.

"Well, I think that you need to go out and try to do something about it. I mean, sure it might be hard to do something now. When you have barely met anybody, but my siblings always tell me that going out and trying is the most important first step." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, clearly wanting to say something, but had no real desire to argue with me.

"Well, I think that maybe your siblings are just trying too hard to be sounding like a good nice old bunch to make you feel better. I think that they are just trying to sound like they know what they are doing." After he was telling me this, the thing was that I did not even really disagree with him. I felt like he was telling the truth. But I had felt like I needed to give them some credit, and make them feel better for whatever they were at least trying to accomplish.

"I think that they are just trying to be making it look like they want to help me out. I think that in a way, what they are doing is actually almost nice. But I do sometimes feel like they are only trying to help me out from sheer pity." I said, and then I was thinking about where I was going with this, and if I was going to possibly get the guy to start to open up with these talks, since I was feeling like I was starting to connect with him, and I was personally growing to enjoy talking with this fellow. Even if he did not get it, and did not care much for the talk, it was something I was really getting into.

"Well, at least you actually have siblings. I mean, I think that if I had any, they would at least be looking like they could help me out. But I don't have any, and I doubt that they would really go out of their way to try and help me even if I did." He was saying, wanting to find more to say, but did not really feel the need to be doing such a thing. He had felt like he had made his point enough already.

"I just try my best to not always take their advice. They mean well, and I appreciate the fact that they want to reach out. But trust me when I say that often times, it can be a bit much. It is like they feel like I simply can't do anything on my own. It is kind of annoying to be honest." I said, and then I looked right at the guy, wondering if maybe I could be able to resonate with him on what I had been saying in the slightest, or if he was going to just not get it.

"I would not really know what it would be like with siblings. I mean, everybody talks about it in mixed ways. Some act like it is totally awesome. Some utterly hate it." He said, and then looked at me, as if feeling like he was going to indulge me longer, and see what I was wanting to say now, and see what he could learn from me in a general discussion. "What is it like with yours?"

"So say that it is overwhelming would be a huge understatement. I mean, there is so much stuff going on at a daily basis where I live that you would not even be able to remotely comprehend it. The thing is honestly fucking ridiculous if I may say so myself." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what he would try to say to me in protest of this.

"Well, how bad can it really be? I mean, at least they probably care about you enough." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like this was going to be a way to try and get me to see that things were not all that bad. I was looking right at him, wishing to say more. But I had no real desire to be debating with him on any of this right now. Since he was just trying to be a bit simple minded on the whole issue.

"I have ten siblings." I said, and that got his attention, as if feeling like the moment that this was brought into his understanding, he would no longer make fun of me for saying that this was too much. But at the same time, I was seeing him sort of rebounding, and now looking so much more interested in this than he ever had been before. Like the conversation was sort of neutral on him at first, but now that I mentioned that, I was now getting his attention.

"Well, you should have just started with that. Holy shit. What the heck is it like living like that?" He asked me, and then I was looking right at him, wanting to talk it up, but I was feeling like maybe just sheer honestly was going to get me more points on his radar than just simply lying to him to get him interested. So with that, I would tell him the truth of the matter.

"To be honest, the whole thing is strange as hell. I mean, when only one of them is a girl, the whole thing just seems a bit harder to really understand. Because you always have to find a way to make her feel better. To make her feel like she belongs. To make her feel like she is not the odd one out just because of who she was." I was saying, and I was wondering if perhaps this guy, whatever his fucking name was, would have gotten it in his own way.

"I mean, I just want to make sure that they all like me, and I want to make sure they all feel connected, but the thing is that when I do that, I feel like I need to sort of know who they are really. What I mean by that is learning what their personality really is. What really makes them feel the way that they do. I feel like when I don't do something like that, I will just be making a big mistake." I was saying, just wishing to know what his opinion on this could have been now.

"Why do you care if they like you or not? I mean, they are off trying to do their own thing. I mean, with ten siblings, most of them are probably not even in the same age range as you are." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was thinking this was true, and I nodded at him, and would give him a run down of our ages.

"Well, Todd is the oldest one. He's twenty right now. Then you have Gabe, who is eighteen. Josiah is next at fifteen. Then I am actually the next one after that at eleven. Then Jack is nine, Lydia at seven, Henry at five, Dylan and Drake are both twins at three, Levi is two, and just a couple of weeks ago Ridge, our last one for now, showed up. Our parents are insisting they are done after him though." I said, and then I was seeing this guy look rather curious at this.

"Do they seem to get along with you so far? I mean, after having that many siblings, surely you would be kind of thinking that a couple is not so bad anymore. You probably scoff at families of three or four." After he had said that to me, I was slowly nodding, feeling like what he was saying was mostly right on the money, and I had wished that maybe I would have enough imagination to go on and explain what I felt a little bit longer, and explain the dynamic more. But there was no point in doing that.

"Well, I think that they are just fine enough in their own way. I just think that maybe a smaller family is better than nothing. At least when you have a small family, there is a way you can connect with them all on a day to day basis. When you have ten siblings, it is impossible to connect with all of them normally. At that point, favorites have to be picked. I may hate to tell people that, but it is the truth of the matter." I said, almost hating the fact that I had said that.

"I mean, I barely even know what most of my younger ones are like. I know that they are just trying to do their best, and trying to help out in their own way... But do you know how hard it might be to have somebody who you live with, but probably have not talked to in like two or three weeks? And that being the normal situation, because everybody is so set on doing things their own way. It is fucking ridiculous, to say at the least." I said, and then I was wondering what he would tell me here.

"Does that kind of suck, to know that no matter how hard you try and connect with them, even if you wanted nothing more than to do so, that it will just not be happening? I mean, if that was the case for me, I think I would probably go crazy at the idea of it." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be sounding helpful. But in all honesty, I don't really think he would help here too much.

But I had felt like I needed to give him props for at least trying. For at least making it look like he was wishing to connect. "I don't really know. If you want to talk about it more, then I guess that you can try and see what the family is like. Maybe when you see them, you will know what they are really like, and you might be able to sort of see what it is like that I am talking about." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was almost finding this kind of exciting, and wanted to see what it would have been like now.

"Just don't go on and scare them off. I mean, I do want them to not be thinking that I am hanging out with a lunatic or something." I said, and then I was seeing him holding up his hands, as if feeling like he would never do such a thing. I loved the way he was playing it off though. Trying to make it sound like the most chill thing in the world. Maybe in the end, it really was not all that bad. And that I just needed to relax a bit more before I went crazy in my way.

But despite what I was feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to know what he was doing now. "So before anything like that happens, would you like to know my name? I'm Seth. Sorry that I totally forgot to bring it up earlier." I said, thinking that maybe my memory needed some improving, but that I would deal with that later. When I would have some time to privately scold myself for all of this shit.

"My name is Manny. I only moved here last year. Honestly do not really see a ton of the appeal to the place. But it is a very calm place. Which I guess can help me sort of block out all of the noise." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like what he was saying was extremely chill. I was feeling like maybe he needed to see what it would like to go out and see more.

But I had figured that I would see what he was feeling later. I was thinking that I would just take the moment to show him around my house, and make him see if he even liked it there or not. And when we were done, the two of us could debate the idea of going through and seeing if there was a place to make a friendship out of this right now.

...

-Dec 7 1993 5:54 pm- I was hanging out with Manny, sort of wondering what he was going to want to do. We were at the house, and I was feeling like I was still not able to call him friends yet, but I would say that I was on a good start. I was at least going to have a chance to be able to get somewhere with this, and that was all that I had really wanted. I wanted to get a start on making it look like we were able to connect in an actual personal level. I wanted him to be feeling better about what we were doing, and that maybe we could be able to make something work out after all. But despite what I had been feeling, I truly just had no idea what I was wishing to tell him.

"Usually at the very least all of the younger ones are at the house at this time. I don't know about the others. Josiah is usually hanging out with friends, trying to get some music together, so he will probably be hanging low. Todd has a job now, so I think he might be working, or getting ready to work on that or his girlfriend Bebe and him having a date. Gabe has been doing some strange stuff lately on his own, and I have no idea what he does." I said, trying to get him ready.

"Do you think that they might not like me, or just think that I am just being a bit forced in or something? I mean, I don't want to make your siblings feel forced to like me." Manny said, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But he was also worried that saying more would make him feel like he was just being a worry wrat, and that he was just being a bit too focused on things that would probably not even matter all that much in the long run.

"Listen, I am sure they will all like you soon enough. I doubt that they will be too against this. I know my oldest brother Todd at least will be happy to see me trying to hang out with fucking literally anybody." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but felt like if he did, he would just sort of be coming off as a person who was too worried over this whole thing. That he needed to just relax, and not be too worried on what we were doing at that current moment. With that, we went inside of the house, and I was wondering if he did have ulterior motives here.

I mean, he did talk about how the idea of making friends was strange, and how he was always feeling like there was something people wanted from it. That was the main reason that I was worried at first that he had been doing something else here. I was just scared that he did not really want to hang with me, and was only using me.

I mean, in a way, I knew that I was being silly. But for fucks sake, knowing that he had said that was really going to be making me feel unsure of what to be saying for the time being, no matter what else I was wishing to be doing. But with that, I was seeing a few of the siblings in the living room. Henry was watching something with Dylan and Drake. Probably a show that they can both be able to mutually tolerate instead of utterly hate.

When Manny saw what Henry looked like, and the fact that at five fucking years old, he was already looking like the prince of darkness, I was seeing Manny looking like he was already approving of his life style. "Got to admit, your younger brother Henry knows how to blend in real well. I think that he and I at least will get along." Manny said, and then he was slightly laughing at the prospect, knowing what it would be like to perhaps get him to branch out.

"Yeah, most of us don't get why he is already like this so early on. But he is harmless about it, and I have no issue with it. He just needs to not be so strange about it. It is almost like he believes in the whole thing." Seth was saying, feeling like he did not need to worry about saying it, and that Henry probably could not even care even if he did know what was going on here.

"Well, I guess that maybe it does remind me when I was his age, and I was trying dyed hair for the first time. To make it even more black than it already is. But to be honest, my parents looked like they were about to strangle the hell out of me when they had seen that. I knew that I had made the right choice then." Manny said, and then I laughed at that. Knowing that he was somebody who had a certain joy out of rebelling from his parents. I think that maybe I was going to get along with him just fine.

"Well, I think that maybe you need to not fight them so much. I know that on the few times I have either exerted my parents, or saw one of my siblings do it, the whole thing turned out to be kind of a nightmare. They were not really fond of it all. But I think that maybe they might be able to laugh at it now." I said, and then I was wondering if Manny already lost interest, or wanted to know more about it all.

"I think that they are over it by now. I mean, they seem to really care when it is relating to things like how I dress and stuff, since they are always worried about me looking like I just came back from the dead. But it seems like on most other cases, they don't really seem to care all that much, and are mostly over it." After he had said that to me, he was looking at me, as if feeling like that was probably the best that he was going to be able to ask for.

"Do you like your parents usually?" I asked, trying to be nice on it all, and I had no idea if they were going to actually tell me the truth. But at the same time, I was just genuinely wanting to know how things were like back where he had lived. And if it was a big deal, maybe I could be able to give some advice on how to be able to handle it all in the future.

"They are nice enough. I know that they don't have any bad intentions when they do this type of stuff. I just wish that they could relax on it a bit more. I mean, it's not that big of a deal what I am like. They probably are just scared about me being made fun. I mean, that is nice of them, but I think that them going around and pampering me might be the even bigger issue if people were to see what I was doing." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not look like he was wanting to do dare do so.

"I think that when I show them what I can be like, and that I do not need for them to be so worried about me, they will be fine enough. I think that they are going to be fine with it soon enough. But until then, I feel like I am going to have a while to go before they feel like they can fully trust me." After Manny had said that, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but did not want to bother doing such a thing.

"Do you think that your parents might have something to do with the mindset you were telling me about earlier?" I asked, and I knew that no matter what I had said, he was going to be pretending to be shocked at this. I was feeling like I might as well get it over with, and see what he was going to be saying though. See if he was actually going to have an idea or not of how to respond to this whole thing. "The whole idea that friends are just there for something, and when they got it, they will leave you."

"I mean, kind of. But I probably would have grown that way eventually anyways. I just always see people doing something, for some personal purpose, and when they got what they had wanted from me, they leave me alone forever." He said, and I was starting to see that maybe he was in a even bigger need of a friend than I was, and that maybe I just needed to try and find a way to make him feel like he was not being such a lost cause right now. But in order to do that, I needed to find a way to make it work.

"I think you need to go on and hang out with more people. I mean, I know that I sometimes have insecurity problems, but I think you might have them even worse." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but when I was seeing him wanting to do this, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was going to be accepting what I had been saying more and more, and not fight back.

"Maybe you're right. But the thing is that when I have been seeing people like this all the time, and seeing them always just sort of only use me for something, I can't help but feel like nobody cares for me." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to say more. But that he was wanting to just leave it all alone. He knew that talking about this was just going to be making him feel lost, and that was something I did not want to create with him right now.

"Well, I think that maybe you are just not hanging out with the right group of people. You don't hang out with people who actually care to have anything better for them." I said, and the thing was that I was actually meaning what I had been saying. I was not even saying that to appease him. I had been saying this because I had felt like maybe he just needed to open up better about all of this stuff, and not feel gone.

"I know what I am talking about usually. I am not perfect, but I kind of have a thing for figuring out when people are having a rough time." I was saying, sort of just wishing that I could find something else to say. Something that would make him feel like I was able to connect with him more. I was feeling like he was needing this, and that he was just needing to have a person who could make him feel like they cared.

"I think that maybe I just need to have some people who actually seem to be real with me. When I do that, maybe I might be feeling different. But right now, I think most people don't care. I think that they are just too busy wanting to be on their own turf." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him wanting to say more. But did not really look like he was wanting to take the risk to say anything like this now.

"I think that this will be alright. I mean, my family was always telling me that I needed to go out and get to know some other people. They were really on my case about it honestly. Like their entire life depended on such a thing working out." I said, and then I was looking at Manny as we sat down on the mini couch near the window to the outside.

"Would you say that your family had good intentions, or that they were being a bit forceful on this whole thing?" He asked me, and I was feeling like this was going to be a hard answer, since I had no real clue where I was going to be going with this. I felt like I just needed to tell him the truth, and see what he was going to be saying to me. To see if he was going to be feeling where I had come from, or did not.

"Honestly, I think my family just wanted to do their best to help. I might not be able to get it. But I certainly do not fault them for trying. I think that maybe I need to be more patient with them though." I said, and then I was feeling like doing that might have been the only thing that I could do to start to make it seem like what they were doing was not pissing me off greatly.

"If you feel like they care, then I can't be too shocked at the fact that you feel the need to go on and try. Plus, you always seemed to be looking like you were in need of a extra hand." He was telling me, and I knew he was trying to be helpful with this. But I had no idea what to be telling him right now. I had no idea what I was even wishing to say at that moment.

"I feel like they do. I just feel like they could have been easier on me over it. Not as obvious. I mean, with the way that they were doing it, the whole thing made it look like they were just doing it for some form of self satisfaction. Knowing that they could have a sibling who did not stick around them all the time." I said, and I was feeling like talking about this at the fucking house was a terrible idea. But at the same time, I really did not care. I just wanted to indulge on this talk, and see what Manny would have been saying when it came to the matter at hand.

I was then thinking about what it would be like if I were to do other stuff right now. What it would be like if I slowly brought him into the fold of what I liked to do on my own time. I just felt like I needed to find a way to make him feel like this whole thing was going to be worth it at the end.

"Hey I think that I might be able to start showing you some stuff. You know, to see if it catches your interest." I said, and then after I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking kind of intrigued at what I was saying. I knew that I got him interested when I was saying this stuff, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what I could do to make it feel like he was going to be finding something good out of this whole thing.

"Alright. I might as well give this a chance. Maybe there might be something that you might interest me with." I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better. But him saying that was making me feel like I might be able to appeal to him in a different sense. I felt like this was all that I had needed. I just needed to get him to see my ways, and see if perhaps he and I would know where to be going now.

"I mean, I don't take you to be much of a comedian. But I think that maybe if there is something that I might need to have cleared up, maybe we can sort of see where to go with this, and if I like some of your ideas, I might be able to try and bring them into the fold." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he did not know what to believe in this, but that he was willing to give it a try. That he was wanting to see if perhaps there was something he might enjoy out of the whole idea of going through with this.

"Yeah, I am not really into telling jokes or anything like that. Not really in my taste. I sometimes find enjoyment out of watching stuff though." After he was saying that to me, I was feeling like this was going to be a good start, and that maybe I just needed to go with it, and not be feeling like this was going to be much of a hassle, and just be glad he was giving me a chance at all.

So with that, I was getting up, and I was walking to my room which I shared with Josiah. As I was doing this, I was seeing Manny slowly getting up. Sort of feeling like he had just needed to find a way to be making this whole thing seem to be sort of worth it. He clearly had no idea what the heck he was wanting to do. I felt like he was going to perhaps want to say more. But that if he did so, he was going to be making a huge issue out of it all.

I was wishing to find a way to make Manny feel like this was not going to be a terrible idea. I mean, if I was going to bring him into my fold, and force him to listen to my jokes, and be forced to hang out with me, I was going to make it feel like it was all worth it. I felt like that was the lest that I could do. And perhaps he would actually adapt to this whole thing at the end of the day, which was a good hope.

"Hey Manny, thanks for coming along and choosing to hang out. It makes me feel a lot better to know that somebody was willing to give it a go." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying. He was looking at me, as if feeling like it was the only thing he could do after the fact that I had been trying to be nice to him for the time being. He was nodding, as if to indicate that this was not really a problem at all. After he had nodded, I was going inside, and then Manny was inside as well.

I did not go and close the door. I mean, there was no real reason to, and even if there was, it was usually a unspoken rule not to. In case if people needed our help, they could see if we were there or not. Plus the fact that I was thinking that maybe our parents were worried about us jerking off or having sex. The former would just be done in the bathroom, but the latter was going to be hard to do. Although only Josiah, Gabe, and Todd needed to worry about that for the time being.

"What exactly do you do when you make your shows?" He was asking, sort of looking to be at least mildly interested. I was feeling like I just needed to wing it a bit here. Make it look like I had some fucking idea what the hell I was talking about. Even if I had no idea what the heck I was going to be saying. But I wanted to make it look like I was totally prepared for any of the questions that he was going to be throwing at me, to make it seem like I knew what was actually going on now.

"I just sort of do a combination of scripted stuff and improv. I mean, I feel like doing both adds a level of sincerity to what I am doing. Makes it feel at least a slight bit more organic. Nothing like me just trying to really impress somebody. Even if that is a part of it, I do not want to make it too obvious in fear of how people would react." I shrugged, feeling like I did not need to say more on it for the time being, and that I could leave it alone.

...

-Dec 8 1993 10:25 pm- I was at Manny's house, and I had no idea if we were friends, or if he was just doing this out of need to talk with somebody, or out of pity. But the fact that he was willing to see me at all, and get to know me, and see how I was doing, and not be getting in my face on it all, and make me feel better, was just something that I felt like I needed to be taking advantage of in the long run, and I needed to be happy with what I was getting right now.

I was feeling like when I was going to reach out to somebody, and if they were going to be as nice as Manny had been, I felt like maybe he was willing to sort of change my perspective, and make me feel like there was a chance that I could be able to make some form of friends in the town. Which was something that I knew was going to be changing my way of going at things, and will make me a better person.

"So, what were you thinking you would be able to get out of the comedy show. I think that I need to know that you actually feel like this is going to work before I can fully feel like this is a smart idea." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely meaning to sound helpful here, but at the same time, I was feeling like I needed to find something to change how he was going to be working with me now.

"I think that I am going to get personal satisfaction at the very least. I think that if I go on and do something like this, and really do my best to make the show work, and if I can be able to win, I will actually feel proud of myself for once. I will actually feel like I did something with my time here, and that is what I think is going to be making this whole thing worth it all." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he had wanted to try and tell me anything else.

"Well, I mean, if that is going to be the base line feeling you will be getting out of this, then I guess that maybe there will be something good coming out of this, and I feel like maybe I should be willing to see how I will be able to help you out here." After Manny said, I was looking at him, and I was confused at what he was suggesting, since there was no way in hell he was going to be the guy who would make a difference in the act.

"I think that I will have to be thinking about this a bit more before I fully commit to the idea of having you go on and be forced to help me out. I feel like I just need to find something that can make my performance seem moire genuine, and more like the way that I would want to make it, and not like somebody that people want from me to make me feel better on this." I said, and then he was looking at me, wondering what to say now.

"Well, I would not dare be getting in the way of your integrity of the show. I think that if I would do that, I would be making a big mistake. That being said, I think you do need to have something there to make it work out for your sake. I think you need to have at least somebody there at your side, to hear your stuff, and see if they can be able to help you out. I mean, come on bro, there is nothing you will get out of this." After he had told me that, I was getting a bit annoyed, and sighed at this.

"Honestly, I think that I just need to think about it more. I appreciate what you are trying to do, and it makes me feel better to know that somebody is going out to reach out to me, and it makes me feel better to know that somebody is at least showing some interest in what I am doing. That being said, I feel like I need to try and fight this on my own. It is the best that I can be able to do right now." I said, and then I was shaking my head, annoyed at this level of 'pride' that I was trying to be showing right now, when I was not getting anything out of it here.

"I know that I am not that funny. I know that people find my jokes to be annoying. But I feel like when I am being myself, and I am being the way that I want to be, then I think that I can finally be able to make it feel like I can reach out to those around me. I want to find some way to still be myself, but to be getting the people who witness the jokes to think that I am funny. I do not want my brother to be doing the entire carrying of weight himself." I said, angry at the prospect.

"Honestly, I think that for you to be doing this, I think that you are just going to have to go on and tell your brothers what your fear is, and maybe they will be willing to listen to your jokes, and give you honest feed back, and help you sort of find a way to change them to be more appealing to the masses, while not losing their original integrity." He was saying, trying to make it seem as good as possible in the situation he could.

"Yeah, perhaps you are right. Perhaps since they are the people that I know the best, they are the ones who need to tell me the way that it is, and not be lying about it. I mean, I feel like if I reach out to them, they might be willing to finally work with me, and make me feel like I have a chance now." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering if he believed that it would be that simple. If I could make it work like that.

"I think that this would be best. Go on and tell people what is bothering you, and then once you do that, tell them that you do seek genuine change on this, then you might be able to get them to start to be more open with what is going on, and that is all that you need." Manny said, and then he was placing his hand on my shoulder, trying to find a way to make me feel better, and I had no idea what he was going to do to make this whole thing seem less awful for me.

"Honestly, I just don't know if they would be wanting to help me. Or if they will be telling me that this will sort of be pointless. I mean, maybe they're right if they tell me that. Maybe if they do end up saying something like that, they might be onto something, and then after the moment of sadness, I will get over it, and I will just instead focus on something else." I said, and then I looked at Manny, and I was seriously for the first time wondering if perhaps these jokes were not the way that I should be going at my presentation. If perhaps I needed to go on and do something else now.

"Even if comedy does not turn out to be your thing, and you are not into it anymore, then I think that you will need to accept that over time. But that being said, I think you will need to at least try and reach out and do this performance. I mean, the performance is already only a couple of days away. There is no reason for you to not go through with this, and see what the heck is going on now. Worst comes to worst, this show fails, and you can think of your next step after that." After he was telling me this, he was looking at me, truly looking like this was a sound idea. Maybe it was in its own way.

I was thinking on it more and more, and thinking about what he was trying to get me to do. What he was trying to get me to concede, and after I thought on it a bit more, I was sighing, thinking that maybe he was right on this. "Yeah, you're right. I'm in too deep now to stop. I have to give this a shot." I said, and then I looked at him, wondering what I would say now.

"Well, now that you are getting over it, and you are seeing that this is the best way to be going through this, what do you feel like you will be doing now? What do you feel like you will say at the show to make you become the person that you want to be?" He asked me, looking right at me, and he was looking like he had wanted me to deeply think on this a bit more. I was sighing, looking at my back pack at my side.

"Well, maybe I can start to think fo something that might be able to be funny to people. Honestly funny, and not just something that people sort of casually giggle at." I said, and then I was thinking about it. There was something that I was thinking about, and that when I was looking at him, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to see what my response could have been right now, seeing me looking very deeply into it all.

"I think that maybe some material on my brothers and Lydia could be funny. You know, stuff like casually making fun of them. Throwing shade at them, but not in a way where they will feel like they are being personally attacked." I was suggesting to him, and looked right at him, wondering what he was going to be saying to me, seeing that he was wishing to know what the heck I was going to be doing with this right now.

"Where do you think that you would start, if you were do something like this? I mean, I think that if you were to full on go with this, I think that you will have to truly capture the idea of what it would be like to get something going." After he had said that to me, I was thinking about this, and looked right at him, wondering if he was going to be wanting to speak further, or if he was going to be leaving this open for me to go through now.

"I think that maybe I might start with Lydia or something. I mean, as the only sister in the group, I think that maybe she might be the easiest to find the material for, and not be coming off as repetitive or anything like that. Maybe if I can really get her into it, then she might enjoy it, and she might actually give her approval. Heck, seeing me doing something else at all with it might be enough of her endorsement stuff." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of feel like I needed to see where this was going to be heading now.

"What type of stuff do you think you would be making jokes out of? I mean, I think that this might be a bit rough to start with right now, and you have a good idea. But you are going to have to find a way to be making this actually work." After he was saying that to me, I was looking right at him, and seeing that he was feeling like this was the most important thing to be looking at, and I was feeling like maybe he was the one that needed to be leading this charge instead of me. Clearly he was putting more thought into this whole thing than I had been.

"I think that maybe I can talk with her a bit, and learn more of her life on what it is like to have ten brothers, and see if she might be able to sort of give me some stuff to go off of when I present my stuff. Some stuff that I feel like I can genuinely make some good material out of." I was saying to Manny, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me now. I was feeling like he was going to find some fucking way to make it seem like that was a terrible idea.

"Well, at least that is a start. Actually talking to them, and getting to know them, and seeing what they are liking, and what they are going through. It might not be the best thing in the world to be going for, but it will be a start. I think that you might actually have something right now." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him genuinely looking like he had wanted to say more. But had no idea what to be doing now.

"Honestly, I think that this is something that I should have been doing right from the start. I think that I should have gone on and actually make her feel better. But now that I have a starting spot, what the heck am I am going to be doing? I think that I need to actually see what the other ones might say. I might try and get to see what they might all be saying." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying to me right now.

"Well, there is no reason to beat yourself up over it now. I think that maybe you are just going to have to go and see what you can do to speak with them, and see if they have any idea where to go, and maybe they will not only give you answers, and material, but be able to support you on this whole thing." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him genuinely looking a bit more excited to be seeing how this could go.

"I don't know who I would be going after Lydia. Maybe something like Josiah, since he is the one that lives with me in the room. I mean, Ridge and Levi might be flat out too young to give me any help here, so I might be going for them last. However that being said, I think that they might be still something that maybe I can use the older siblings for if I need to." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, unsure of what the heck to be saying now.

"From what I remember. You were telling me that Ridge was just a couple of weeks old, and that Levi is only two. I think that maybe speaking to them about this might be kind of pointless." After he had said that to me, I was nodding, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to truly be making this whole thing work, and not be making it much worse.

"Honestly, I have no idea what they would even want to be telling me about this, even if I had wished that I can be able to get this whole thing to work." After I was telling him this, I was feeling like I needed to find something else to be working from this. I was just feeling like I was going to be wasting my time either way. "I just need to find a way to make it feel like I know what I am doing." I said, and then I was feeling like nothing else mattered anymore.

"I think that once I am done with Lydia and Josiah, I will probably go for Todd and Gabe. Being the older ones, I think that they might have some material for me that is going to be better than anybody else. I just wish that I could be able to help them out here. I just feel like if I present something, and they might not like it, then in a way, I will feel like I made a huge mistake, and that it is all my fault." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was being a bit silly now.

"Well, I think part of the whole act of comedy is just going out and doing stuff that might be a bit over the top. Something that is not genuine, but is able to get people to be interested. To get people to be laughing, and to be feeling like they could connect with you here. I think that stuff like that is going to be more important." After Manny had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely curious to see how I would be forcing some shit out of this, and how we were finally able to pull together some form of a act that I could feel proud of.

"I guess that you might be right. I mean, I might not get it, and I might not be super into it all, but there is no real reason to be shooting down this whole idea. Just because I might not get it does not mean I want to not do it. I will just go on and perform, and I will see what the siblings say. I mean, worse comes to worse, they might resent me for doing this for like a day or two, but they will get over it, and they will be adults about it over time, and they will be respectful about not wanting me to do it again." I said, and then I was just wishing to know what Manny would want to tell me now. Or if he was going to just be leaving the subject alone now.

"Well, what type of stuff do you think you would present that they could be mad over? I think that if it is such a huge thing for you, then just don't fucking do anything like that, and it will be fine." After he had told me this, I was sighing, feeling like I needed to just find more to be going with here.

"Maybe just anything that they don't tell me. Maybe if they do not tell me that something would be allowed to be presented, then just don't fucking do it. I guess that I can just do something like that. Like ask what they would be fine with presenting, and only go with that for the duration of the show, and if I am running out of material for that sibling, then move onto the next one." I was sighing, feeling like I was going to just be done with this, and that I had gone far enough now.

"See, if you feel like they do not want to have that stuff shown, then you will be fine. You do not have to be so worried about this stuff. You are already aware of what things are going to be like, and you are simply just being too worried on this." After he was saying this to me, I was then thinking of what he was telling me, and I was feeling like maybe I could get something to work out here. I was feeling like maybe I was being too worried over something that was genuinely not a huge issue to begin with.

"Yeah, I think that I might have some ideas on what I should be doing. Maybe I should not be so damn worried on this whole thing, and that being a big whiny asshole on this is only going to make things worse. I guess that maybe I was just worried over something that is not that big of a issue." After I was saying this to him, I was looking right at Manny, wondering if he had anything else that he was wishing to say, or was willing to leave it alone now.

"I think that maybe I just need to sort of be sure that I can use what they tell me, but also not do so in a way that they are being attacked, or feeling like they are being attacked. I feel like doing something like this would be the worst thing that I could do, and the worst ending to this. I mean, as much as I want to win, I want them to approve of me as well. Doing something that they will not approve of will make me feel terrible." I said, and I was genuinely meaning what I had been saying, and I was looking right at Manny, wondering what the heck he was going to be trying to say to me now.

"Honestly, I think that they will not be too angry at you in the long run. They might be angry at you at first, and they might feel betrayed if you go too far at first, but at this point, at first, I think that they might be letting you off with a warning. Showing that they do not appreciate what you did, but they will get over it soon enough. I genuinely do not feel like they are going to be making things too worse for you." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking genuine about what he was saying, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to sort of see what the heck we were doing here.

"I am going to be seeing what the heck I am actually going to do from now on. The whole thing is going to be rough. The whole thing is going to feel like I am going to sort of be opening up a pathway to get them to at least be curious what the purpose to this all is, and I will have to be honest with what I am doing, and I will see how it can all work." I was saying, and I was feeling like nothing I would say will really make me feel one hundred percent better. I was feeling like I was just needing to take it easier.

"Do you actually feel scared on all of this, or are you just sort of saying this to try and make yourself feel better on the fact that you want to know what is going on?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely curious what I was going to be saying. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find something to be saying to make it look like what he was doing was going to not really be phasing me all that much. I did not think it was going to be possible. I did not think I needed to fucking think on it too much longer, and that I was probably going to be alright. When I was feeling like I was having that answer, I looked right at Manny, feeling like my answer was going to be good now.

"I am not terribly scared. I think that I am going to be more worried about getting on the stage, with all of this material in mind, and sort of just trying to be going on to see what it would be like. I think when I do something like this, I will be all fine. I think that I am going to have to find a way to sort of make it look better. In a way, I feel like once I get on the stage, any illusion of confidence I ever made will be gone." I said to him, wishing that he knew what I was going to be feeling now.

"See, if you are not scared, and you feel like you are going to be fine, then you do not have much that is going on. You are going to be getting up there, and everything will be alright. I think that you will do good. You will sort of know what is going on, and you will be able to go up there, and fucking just kick ass at the show." After he had told me this, I was seeing that Manny looked like he was actually believing in what I had been hearing. I was feeling like what he had told me was a bit out there, and that he needed to be more realistic on this, and not be assuming that I could be so good. But I appreciated the sentiment, and that was all that mattered in my mind at least.

"Yeah, I will see what I can fucking do here. There is no real reason to not be working something out here. I feel like that is the one thing I need to understand. That going out there, and going to see what my family would want, and making them feel like I am genuinely reaching out to them to be able to get to know them better, I feel like everything will be coming through." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to be saying. I was feeling like I had made my entire point on what was going on at this rate.

"Everything will be going the way that it is meant to be. I think that this is all that matters. Do you think that the show will be the best work that you have made? Or do you think that maybe when you go up there, they might be just sort of brushing you off? I think that when you get up there, and you are actually trying to show people what you want them to hear, that this is going to be the most important thing. That the performance is the only thing that you can be able to fully feel proud of." After he was saying this to me, I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to be saying now. If he was going to continue at all, or leave this whole thing be for the time being.

...

-Dec 9 1993 4:10 am- I was home, and I was feeling like I needed to find the answers to just what I was going to be asking Lydia, feeling like that was the most important thing. I needed to know what was going to make Lydia tick. I knew that no matter what was going to happen, the way that I was going to get Lydia to help me was going to be a fucking impossible road. This whole thing was going to be a bit rough, and the whole thing just did not even matter at all.

I was thinking that the questions I was going to be asking her were going to be a bit pointless, and that she was probably not really wanting to help me. I mean, I did not blame her if she was not going to want to be doing this. She would probably be finding the idea of reaching out to her to be strange, and honestly maybe even kind of annoying, and she would probably want me to stop before I was even able to start this whole thing working.

I was angry at the way that I was looking at this whole thing. I wished that I was going to just have the balls to talk with her. She needed to just help me out, and I needed to help her out feel like this story was going to be ready now. I was wondering how much being angry about this would have made a difference. I did not think that it was going to make a difference what I would say to her right now, and that she would probably just tell me that it was not all that huge of a deal.

But despite everything going on in my mind, I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with her. I needed to just get it over with, and see what she would be saying. No matter what answer I would give, it was going to be rough to see her feeling and looking so uncertain what I was doing. I would feel like I was going to be letting her think that I was using her.

But I was telling myself not to be feeling this way, and that I could just talk with her, and see what she was feeling, and then when I was going to be done with this, and I would finally see what she was feeling, this whole thing was going to give me the answrers that I had desperately needed. But at the same time, I felt like this was really not going to fucking matter anymore. Despite the uncertainty of what I had been doing now.

Before I could think about it any further, I was hearing somebody coming along. I was telling myself that I needed to go on and see who this person was, and then just pretend like I was aware of what was going on, and pretend like I was going to be keeping this whole thing together. But despite what I had been feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to try and find a way to be making it look like I would reach out to her.

When I was walking in front of Lydia, who was in the kitchen, getting her nightly drink or snack, and I was feeling like this was going to really hurt her school life with how much she was staying up late or getting up late, which was getting in the way of her sleep. I felt like I needed to go on and try to make her feel better. I was feeling like I also needed to get her to understand that this was not already for her. I was worried on how this was going to make a difference, because I cared about her as a brother.

As I was in front of her, I just sighed a bit, and decided to see how I could help her out. "Alright Lydia. I am not going to be lecturing you on this, and I think that you do not really care to hear me lecture you on this. But that being said, I think that you should not be doing this so often, because it will be hurting you in your school life, and your sleep schedule in school." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be saying to her. I was seeing her looking totally unsure of what I was going to be saying to her to make her feel any different.

"I do not really want to hear people telling me off here. I think that you are just going to be too worried over something like this. It is just something that I like to do. I sometimes get hungry and thirsty when I am down there, and need something to have." She told me, and then I was seeing her looking like she was willing to test me here. I was feeling like she was not going to be taking this well, and that I needed to just fucking stop now.

"Listen, I did not mean to make it seem like that. I just wanted to help you feel better. But I was worried about how you were, and I was wondering if you knew what you were getting yourself into by doing this." I said, and then I was looking right at her, sort of wishing to find something else. "But then again, I feel like you are old enough to start to make some choices on this. I guess that maybe it is none of my fucking business or something like that." I said, looking at her, wondering what I was even going to be seeing her say. She was clearly still not convinced here yet.

"Well, I appreciate the fact that it seems like you care about me in your own annoying way. But don't worry about it too much. I mean, you are just doing what you feel like is right. As much as I might not like to admit it." After Lydia was telling me that, I was seeing her looking at me, and she was looking like she was wanting to say more, but did not have the balls to be doing anything else, in fear of what her older brother would say.

'Don't worry about it too much. I mean, I don't really want you to be angry at me, and I do not want something to get in the way of our way of living as siblings. I mean, if it were to, I would hate the way that this was going along." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me now. If she had planned to be saying something else. She was looking like she was willing to just remain quiet now.

"I just wish that I was aware of how I was going to be able to make you feel better. I mean, I know that you are doing is totally harmless." I said, and then I was looking like I was being silly right now, and then I was trying to find something else to be saying. I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to find something else to be saying. But then she was shaking her head, and then she was looking like she was willing to just sort of give up on this whole thing, and not be getting to my way on this.

"Hey Seth, I heard that you were in a show. Do you want to show people what you are planning on doing when you perform?" After she was asking me this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to make it feel like it could have been able to make it seem less strange. More like we were able to actually have a discussion we could be able to genuinely enjoy here on this whole thing.

"I am not too sure what to be feeling. I mean, I want to do it. But I am too scared of going up there, and failing miserably. I do not want to go up there, talk happily, and make it look like I know what I am doing, but then fail at the last minute before I have any idea what the heck I am actually doing. Then it will all be for not." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I was just trying to be finding something to make it look like I was not totally going to be insane on this.

...

-Dec 9 1993 5:15 pm- I was sort of wondering what the heck I was going to be doing right now. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to make this actually seem like it was going to be worth it. I needed to have some friends who were actually going to be going out and actually feeling like they would be willing to really get to know me or something like this. But I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be there for Lydia, and ask her some questions to sort of focus on the bigger goal in mind.

So when I was seeing Lydia again, I was sitting down, and I was calling out to her, to see if she was willing to go on and actually speak to me. I felt like no matter what the heck was going to happen, I was going to have to be really patient, and see what the heck I could be doing to try and make her feel like I can reach out to her in my own way. I was feeling like she would probably not really enjoy doing something like this.

"Hey Lydia, I was wanting to talk for a bit with you. I know that this might be a bit sudden, but I think that maybe we could be able to get to reach out for a bit, and some important stuff." After I had said this in response, I was wondering what the heck was going to be happening now. I was seeing her looking clearly uncertain of what to be doing, but she was sighing, thinking that she would be getting over it now.

Eventually, she was sitting down, feeling like she needed to go on and give this a chance. She was clearly thinking that there was no reason for her to not be doing this right now. She was looking right at me, and she was wondering what the heck she was going to need to say to me, to sort of make it feel like I was going to be able to break through to her in a way. But it just was feeling wrong to be going on with this right now.

"So, what were you needing for me to talk with you over?" She was asking me, and she was clearly looking like she had no idea what the heck I was wanting to say. I took a deep breath, feeling like I was needing to find something to say. I just needed to give a response that would make her feel like I was going to make her not only feel like I was using her, but that I was actually meaning what I had been saying right now. But it was going to just be a bit hard, and something that I had no idea if it was worth it.

"I was wanting to perhaps get you to help me with something very important. How to be getting ready for one of my comedy performances at the talent show in a couple of days. I wish to go on and get some help from you guys. Like get some advice on what I should be doing with the performance." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering if she had wanted to find something else she was going to say to me to tell me off.

"What do you think that I would be able to do to help you out? I mean, I think that something like this might be a bit silly to do. I think that you need to think about how something like this is going to work." After Lydia had said this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to find something to be making me feel so much better. I just truly had no idea what I was even going to be doing to make any difference.

"Since you are the only girl here, I feel like you might be willing to go on and give me a different perspective on what I am going to present to the school. I mean, I feel like what I might say on stage might be getting people more interested in what I will be saying. You will really be able to provide a different side to this whole thing. Having so many siblings." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she had wished to be saying something else here.

"I guess that I might be having something that I could help you with. I mean, I don't know how likely it will be that I can help you out here. But to be honest, I just feel like you are going to have to find more things to be talking about. To not be making the school be overwhelmed by this whole thing." After Lydia was saying all of this stuff to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly wishing that I would at least consider where she was coming from this. But I had no idea what the heck I was going to say now.

"I think that this is not going to be all that big of a deal. I think that you are just going to be fine. Just tell me what you know, and I will see what the heck I can do to make the material work out the best that I will be able to do." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was seeing her looking like she was slowly getting over it, and that she was willing to go along with this, and see what I was planning on doing right now. I was just seeing her sort of looking like she was going to see what I was wanting to know.

"Well, if you are feeling like this is going to be worth it, then I might as well see what you want to tell me about." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to find something else to say to me, to make it clear to me that I was not going to be allowed to go over board with my story here.

"Well, the first thing that I am curious to know is that I want to know what your favorite memory of each one of us actually is." I said, looking right at her, wondering what I had to say, and I was seeing her looking like she was a little bit uncertain on what the heck she was wanting to tell me. She was thinking about what her answer was going to be, for a multitude of reasons, and then she was sighing, feeling like she finally had a answer to be giving me.

"Well, one of my favorite memories of you guys are when I had you trying to give me your best jokes, and I was just always finding a way to try and find them funny, and brush them off, while also not making it look like I was making it too obvious. At the time, I just could not understand or appreciate the fact that this was your true ambition, and that you had cared a lot for this stuff. I feel like if I had known that, I would have been more willing to work with you." Lydia was telling me, looking like she was wanting to say something else, but did not know if I was going to be offended or not.

"I already kind of knew that you guys are not really all that into my jokes. I mean, you guys at least are nice enough to not be super obvious about it. That being said, I just kind of wonder if that is your actual favorite memory. I mean, that is really vague, and I feel like there is a lot of material that you are not giving me here." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to not say anything else. But she was looking like she was just needing to get over it.

"I know that you might be getting kind of annoyed if I were to do something like this, since you might be feeling like I am just sort of going a little broad about this whole thing, but could you be fine if I were to give you a answer on each one of my siblings? You know, that way you can get more material, while also making it so that I don't have to exert myself too much." She was saying to me, and I was seeing her looking like she had genuinely needed this from me right now. I was slowly nodding, decided that I needed to just pretend like this was not going to be kind of annoying to me or anything.

"Alright. I might not really be a huge fan of this, and I might be finding this kind of cheap. But I know that you are not going to be having it any other way, so I will just see what I can do to let you have this moment." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was willing to appreciate this from me, and appreciate the fact that I was willing to help her out.

"Well, my favorite memory of Todd Jr was when he was bringing me to my first day of school. The reason that this one was so nice for me was the fact that he and I ended up having some breakfast before hand. I ended up being able to get some one on one time with me. He was really nice to me, and treated me well. I just actually felt like I was able to connect with him when he was doing this. Although he is extremely obsessed with the idea that I am moms favorite." Lydia said, and I did not want to say anything to her, since she might not know better, but she really was the favorite.

"I asked him what it was like going to school, and he was giving me some simple advice, and pretty much was just giving me advice on how I was supposed to be presenting myself well, and showing the classmates that I would be a easy to follow person. Todd gave me some very vague advice. Like he was not really all that interested in anything like that right now. I was feeling like he just felt like I was already going to be like this without his help." She said, and she was clearly looking like she was happy to consider that somebody was willing to go on and treat her this well anyways.

"I was unsure of what he had felt of me before. He always seemed to be unsure of how to approaching me. As if feeling like I was just sort of there. And not really being somebody who knew how to reach out to them. But when I was talking with him, and really getting to know him, I felt like I was able to realize that he did care for me in his own way." After she was telling me that, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to see what I would think of this. I did not know what to be thinking about this now, since it was going to be impossible.

"I guess that I am not really going to get some material on this. Maybe I should have been more detailed on what I was meaning. I guess I should have said most funny memory or something like that. You know, something like this could be able to work better for me." I said, and then I was waving my left hand out a bit, wondering what she was going to finally be saying to me here.

"Alright, sorry, I almost forgot that I was talking with the sibling who is always into jokes and stuff." Lydia said, and I was genuinely unable to tell if she was saying this in a malice way, or if she was actually liking what she had been saying. I did not know what to be saying, and I decided that I was not going to be saying anything at all." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to be saying more to sort of make the whole thing work.

"Anyways, if we are talking about the most funny memory, I think it might have been a really vague memory of when Levi was about a year or so old. This was several months ago. We were supposed to be there watching him for mom and dad since I was not in school yet, and most of you guys were either at school, or hanging out with friends. Henry was also too busy watching television, and the twins were also taking nap time. But if you remember, several months ago, Levi was impossible to be able to keep quiet." After she was telling me this, I was much more interested in seeing where this was going to be going, and seeing what she was going to say, to sort of see what I was going to get from this.

"Well, we were trying to make him get some sleep, and we were both getting a bit tired. So what had happened was that Todd went to his room, and he pulled out something that looked like crumbled leaves. I was seeing him looking like she was so excited to be doing something like this. I looked at him, unsure of what he was holding. And it smelt weird. He took out a lighter, and placed it on a glass thing with a hole at the top. He started to breathe the burning leaves." After Lydia said that, I was looking at her, shocked that she was perfectly describing Todd smoking weed.

I was wanting to be saying something, but decided that I was going to be keeping this together and quiet, and let her finish the story before I went on and said something else now. "Well, after he had done that, he was talking about things like philosophy, and something like how much he loved boobs and stuff. He was seeming to be kind of perverted while he was doing it. I asked him what he was talking about, and he bluntly told me that he liked girl parts." After she had said that to me, I was laughing a bit, thinking that maybe this was something I could use after all. This was good material. This was all that I needed right now.

...

-Dec 10 1993 12:35 am- I was hanging out with Manny, and I was not really talking about the comedy stuff for the time being, and I was just trying to focus on what we were going to be doing for the time being. I was sort of wishing that I knew what I was going to be getting myself into for the most part. I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with him about some more personal stuff, and sort of get to know each other on a one by one basis, and sort of figure out where this was going to go.

"So did you ever have a crush on somebody when we were in school?" After I had asked manny this question, he was looking right at me, as if sort of giving me death glares for the idea of thinking that this was something that I was wanting to talk about. But he was clearly sort of looking like he was willing to accept the fact that there was nothing that he was going to change about this now at the moment.

"Well, I sort of wanted to like somebody. I thought that if I could be able to do something like that, I would be able to sort of get out there, and actually show people that I was wanting to have a social life. But to be honest, I think that something like this was going to be fucking impossible, and I will honestly just accept the fact that my friends, if I ever get them, will never really appreciate my personality." Manny said, and I was wondering what the heck he was feeling like was just going to be keeping him from admitting that we might be friends right now.

"But that being said, I do not have any desire to go on and try to get people to like me. If I do something like that, I know that I am going to be letting myself down. I know that I will be feeling like I should have been getting more. But to be honest, I think that I am just going to have to be letting this whole thing go for the time being. Because I am kind of tired of everybody judging me." After he was saying that to me, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to find something to keep me safe.

Well, safe isn't the correct word, but sort of feeling like I could connect with them still. "Honestly, if I were to try and tell people all the people that I used to like, people would probably be thinking that I was just trying too hard. I mean, I think that you and I are going to be rather different on that regard. People might be thinking that it might be funny to make fun of me for trying." I said, and then I was shaking my head, unsure of what the hell I was going to be doing now.

"Well, you do not need to worry about telling me who you used to like. Honestly, even if we stopped hanging out the minute this show is done, I would barely have anybody to talk to leak this information towards anyways, so I think that you just need to be safe with this whole thing, and just not be too worried on this." Manny said, wondering if he was going to get me to open up and see what I was doing now.

"I don't know if I will fully believe in that idea right now. I mean, for all I know, there are people who might be talking with you that you might be leaking this towards. However, that being said, I feel like maybe I just need to understand that some of that stuff was so long ago that it would not make any difference." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but did not know what to say now.

I was thinking about it for a moment or two longer, and then I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to maybe take a leap of faith, on the chance that I might be able to go on and be friends with this guy. "Well, there is no real reason for me to not tell you I guess. Even if I feel like there is a chance that you might be going on and telling other people. But if you did, I might be able to learn what you did rather fast." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he was going to be defending himself here.

But I decided that I was just going to be making this be a bit boring, so I did not do anything like this. "Well, I used to like this girl named Michelle. She was really cute. I mean, I guess that maybe cute is not the best word to be describing this, but to be honest, I just don't really have any better way to describe it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now. I was feeling like I had explained everything I wanted to now.

"I just wished that I could be able to get her to see that it would have been a lot of fun if we were to go on and be friends, but I feel like something like this was just simply not going to be happening. I mean, no matter how much I wished that it would have been different, I can't make something work out that was just sort of not really meant to be." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say. I was seeing Manny looking like he was just glad to see me being honest with him once and for once in my life.

"Well, I think that if I were to even try and reach out to her now, I was feeling like she would just tell me that it would be too late. That I should have tried to reach out to her earlier. I feel like maybe I should be able to sort of accept such a thing, no matter how much I will want to be saying something otherwise." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to try and see what the heck I would do in order to make Manny see where I was coming from.

Honestly, looking at him, and seeing him looking kind of unsure of what the heck he was going to be saying now, I was sort of feeling like maybe I just needed to be quiet, to sort of see what he was going to say now. "So honestly Manny, how likely do you think that it will be that I can go on and actually win the show? I want to have an actual answer be given to me. I will try and be ready for such a thing."

I was seeing him looking like he was unsure of what to be telling me. I mean, I did not know if he was going to be saying something to make me feel better, or if he genuinely did not know, or if he was feeling like he would see me do well. I did not know what he was going to be expressing, and that was the thing that made me totally unsure of what I was going to be feeling right now, in the long run.

"Well honestly, I think that you will probably be doing just fine. I think that you do not need to worry about it as much as you are sort of making it out to be. I think you are just being worried over something that is not going to be all that huge of a problem. But I think that you need to sort of just go on and see what your siblings would be willing to do to make sure that you can go the extra mile and stuff. Do you think that you can do something like this?" After he had asked me this, I was feeling like such a question was going to be fucking impossible. I did not care what he was going to be telling me though.

"I will just sort of see what they would be thinking about the jokes before I present them. I mean, I got a really good one with my oldest brother smoking some weed, and then he was trying to watch his younger siblings while he was high as a kite, and Lydia had no idea what he was like right now, so she thought there was no real difference." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering what he would be saying to that, and if he was actually going to find some enjoyment out of this one, and not be thinking that it was something I was trying too hard on.

"Oh my god, I can't believe that she would be willing to tell you that. This is awesome. I am totally convinced that you need to go on and make that a huge part of your skit. I mean, that is just too good to be passing up. Seriously, I think that this would be one way to be getting people to listen to you right away, and that will be able to get people to really know what they should be looking at with you." After Manny was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But had no fucking idea what the heck we were going to be doing now, and if any of it actually mattered all that much to be totally honest.

"Well, I don't really think she would fully get the context behind it all. I think that she probably just told me what she was thinking was a harmless story, and then she just would not know that I was planning on really getting a lot of mileage by this one." I said, and then I was looking right at Manny, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be seeing where I was going to be heading with this whole thing, and if he had any idea where we would be heading on this.

"I think that if you want to be using that though, you will have to personally clear it up with Todd that you are not using this as any form of attack, and that you are just going to simply think that you believe this to be funny, and that this is all a part of business, and that you need to just use what you have here." After he had said that to me, I was slowly nodding, feeling like that was going to be a good thing to be saying, and that if I had said that, then maybe I could be able to get him to sort of calm down, and not be too angry at me, which I felt like was the most important thing to be doing right now.

But despite what was going on, I was looking at Manny, wondering what I was going to be saying now. Wondering if I was going to be finding something to make this whole thing seem like it was going to come together much better and easier for us all. "I think that maybe we can do something else, and sort of see what we can do to make it work out." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to be saying now. I was just feeling like I was going to have a long way to go now.

...

-Dec 10 1993 2:45 pm- I was getting ready for the show tonight. To say that I was scared would have been the understatement of the fucking century. I had no idea what I was going to be doing. The idea of not knowing what I was going to be ready for was just going to be fucking lost on everything that I would be going on through. I was just feeling like I was needing to know the answers to all of my fears coming up. The worst part about this was that I had no idea what I was scared of.

I was feeling like if I was to try and explain what I was scared of and stuff, I was going to have to be heading a long fucking way to be sort of bringing it all together. I just wanted to make this show sort of being showing us how proud we were going to be on this whole thing. I was feeling like I needed to see what Manny would be thinking on this whole thing.

"So Manny, what do you think that I should be doing when I am up there? I mean, should I be explaining stuff that was funny with them, or just talking baout the stuff that I remember with him, and therefore enjoyed with him the most, and that way I would be able to really sort of show people what my siblings were like with me." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to tell me.

"I think that maybe just sort of talking about some of both might not be so bad. You know, sort of at first getting to explain some of the stuff that they had told you, and once you are done with that stuff, then you just go in and you get real personal, and you show them what you truly are like. Once you get their trust, you feel like you might be able to tell them your favorite stuff." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking happier with me.

"I think that maybe I will tell them some stuff that really stuck out to me. You know, stuff that actually got with me on a deeper level. Once I do something like this, then I think that maybe I will sort of be having it all out at the table, and everything will finally be able to come together the right way." After I was saying this to Manny, I was hoping that he was willing to be working with me right now, and not brushing off what I was feeling now.

"Do you feel like your siblings will be proud of you, or do you feel like you are just sort of finally following what you have been supposed to do this entire time?" Manny asked me, and then I was feeling like he was just trying to make me think deeper, and I had nothing wrong with that, but the whole thing was just hard for me to really comprehend in my own way.

"I think that they might be proud of me finally just doing something that I have shown people to like, and not be sort of holding back on it. When I do something like that, they might be finally wanting me to go out and show people that I know what I am doing, and then I can get further with it that way." I was shrugging, sort of looking at Manny, and I was feeling like he was going to try and find something to say to make me feel better. But I did not know if it would work.

"I just think that when I finally get through with it, I will almost be proud of myself. I think that maybe if I were to do something like that, and not fall back at all, that is all that I really needed." I said, and then I sort of just looked right at him, sort of wishing that maybe I could find more to be making Manny sort of understand where my perspective on this was going to be.

"See, I think that you are going to be getting on with this. I think that the more important question is that I think you need to ask yourself if you are going to enjoy something like this. Do you think that this is something that you would like to do here?" He was genuinely looking like he was unsure of what I was going to be saying. The whole thing was just a bit strange, and I wanted to tell him more. But I had no idea what the heck to tell him.

"I think that I will have to see how successful it was, and well as how close it can make me feel like I am being myself. If I feel like I am truly being myself for once, and truly showing people who I am, and that I have no shame of what I am doing, then I think that this is all that I need to do." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering what he was wanting to tell me, and if he was going to try and push me off now.

"Do you think that success is the most important thing that is going on? I mean, I know of actors who talk about how much money they make, but when you see the look on their face, you can tell that they hate you. They can see that there is nothing left for them, and that the pay check is the only reason they even pretend to be into what is happening." Manny said, and I was wondering what the heck he was going to tell me at this rate. I had no idea what to believe now.

"I think that if I was successful, then I can certainly have something going on here. I feel like I just need to sort of make it all finally come together, and be better for us all." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was clearly not wanting to believe what I was saying, and I was seeing that he was clearly just wanting to go on and fight me with what I was doing. But I had no idea what the hell I was wanting to even tell him.

"I think that maybe you are going to have to just look at things from a natural persepctive. I can understand being in denial over it all. I really truly can, but I can't change how this whole thing works out." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him truly looking like he was wanting to be saying something else. He was wanting to be making this something I would at least look at, but I was not wanting to say anything at all.

"I shoudl not be doing this with you right now. I mean, I know that you are wanting to be doing this. I should be trying to accept the fact that you are happy in your own way. I was just trying to be adding some perspective to everything going on right now." After he had said that to me, I was just placing my hand on his shoulder, and I was just looking at him, as if wishing for him to not be sort of worried about what the heck was going on now.

"I know that I should not be too angry at you. I appreciate you trying to make it look like you are willing to go the extra mile for this whole thing. It does make me feel like we are going to make a real difference in the long run." After I was done with this, sort of wondering what the heck my issue was really. But I was feeling like I just needed to focus on what we were doing.

"Besides, I know that there is something that you want to prove with this act, and I have nothing against you sort of wanting to show people that you are good." After he was saying that to me, I was looking right at him, wishing to be saying more. I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to see how long and far I could be able to go on with this whole thing.

"I just can't wait to be showing people that I am able to be talented on my own. Without having people be forced to walk me through this stuff. I mean, I know that I am being silly right now. I know that I am just taking things too seriously, and that I need to find a way to make it clear that I am going to be independent from now on here." I was saying, sort of trying to make it look like I was going to be good with this, and that I could handle what I was getting myself into in the long run.

"I think that once I show people that I can handle this on my own, everything will be fine. I think that maybe I am going to be making a difference in peoples eyes by doing this, and that is all that I wish to do. I just want to show people how good I can be on this whole thing, and when I do something like that, I can finally be able to start to make some peace with this whole thing." I said, and I was sort of wondering what the heck I was going to be doing at this rate.

"I guess that maybe I just need to be taking things easier. But I have one thing that I know you will not want to answer me with, but I think that it is the most important thing." He was telling me, and then he was looking right at me in the eyes, as if feeling like this response was going to be the worst thing that I could be getting here. But it was the only thing that mattered in the long run.

"Do you think that your siblings, not including Josiah, will even be there? Do you think that they will actually go out of their way and see how you are doing? I mean, I think that something like this is the most important thing right now." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he did not want to be letting me down. Since he was feeling like I was still a nice enough guy to not deserve something like this. But that he needed to be realistic with this.

"I wish that they were going to be at the show. But to be honest, I will not be shocked if they are not. I would really hate it if they are not though. Since it would clearly show me once again, that I am sort of on my own, and that people are not wanting to work with me or anything like that." I said, and then I was feeling like that whole thing was going to be really letting me down, and I did not really even have any better way to describe it.

"Honestly, I will just sort of do what I can, and if I win the show, and show people that I am good, or that I can be good, then I think that if when they are going to finally give me a chance, and that they will be able to finally just see what it would be like to show some support for all that I have been doing here." I was saying, just sort of wishing to finally find something to say to make a real difference in the first place.

"I guess that maybe I should not be getting in your business too much on this right now. I mean, I guess that you have a right to be doing whatever you can to make this the perfect show." After Manny said that to me, he was placing his hand on my shoulder, just like how I did the exact same thing to him a moment ago, to sort of see what he was going to do to make me feel different.

"I think you need to just be happy with what is happening. I mean, I don't know how much we will be seeing each other, or if we will actually be friends or anything like that. But that being said, you need to just sort of take the moment and run with it. I think that something like this is truly the most important thing." After Manny had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to sort of say something else now.

"I mean, if you actually do hang out with me, and not leave me alone, I can be happy at the idea of maybe having some friends to be forming. I mean, I don't really know how else to be saying it besides that. The ide aof having friends is the one thing that I wish that I could be able to claim." I said, and then I was shaking my head, hating how much it was like to not really have any friends, and not really have anybody who was showing any sign of caring what I was doing.

"I don't really know what else to be saying. I mean, when I see that everybody else is having somebody to hang out with, and somebody who actually seems to know what they are dealing with, and showing some form of caring for them, I feel like I am really having something to change how it works." I said, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and get over it all, and not be making it look like I was whining or anything like this.

"I guess that when you have nothing else to be going on with, then you just sort of need to be happy with the idea that there are some people who seem to reach out to you. I mean, if I still do hang out with you, then I guess that you are going to have something to make us all feel better." After Manny was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to make some fucking difference on this whole thing.

"I need to just sort of accept what I am having right now. I need to get up there, and I am going to sort of just show people that I am no longer scared of what people are going to be feeling or thinking of me. That is all that I really needed now." I said, and tghen I was feeling like I just had to find something else to say to make it different for us.

"See, if you do something like that, then I think you will have something to sort of drive you forward. I mean, I think we should not really be debating this any more right now. I think the more important thing is focusing on the show, and making sure that no matter what happens, you will have something to go with. I think that we need to stop going in circles right now." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of aware of 'what he was saying was right' thing, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to just let him have the moment.

"Well, I think that I am going to have to find something to make it all work out. I think that maybe I just need to find a good starting joke. I mean, I really think that I am going to have to find a way to make the getting high story work. Then when I am done with that, I am going to have to find a way to explain the story of maybe some of my funniest moments with each one, and by doing that, I might make something work." I said, and I was sort of feeling lik I had a good starting idea.

"What will be the next thing? I mean, I think you will certainly have something about school as well. I think that having something about school can also be a good starting rate." After Manny had told me that, I was looking at him, as if sort of feeling like maybe that was going to be a good answer to work with. I was sort of angry at the way that I was going to be looking at this, from my perspective and all of that stuff.

"I think that maybe I can talk about the time that I almost started a really nice food fight at the school. That was going to be so fun. But then it just turned into a moment where we basically started to dirty up the cafeteria because of some stuff being thrown at us on the table." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I needed to have a better answer to go on with, and I was sort of hating that idea.

"Honestly, I feel like as much fun as I am having with making jokes, I never really had any really funny stuff that I had in my life. I fucking hate that. I mean, I should have had something to be going with now, and not making a huge issue on this now." I was shaking my head, wishing that I had more to go on with, and that I had a better answer. All I knew is that my mission would come to an end soon.

...

-Dec 10 1993 5:00 pm- The show as going to be on very soon, and I was feeling like the moment of figuring out if I was actually funny or not would be sort of put to the test. If I was going to be getting people to be liking the way that I liked performing, or if they were just sort of saying something to make me feel better. I was getting ready to get on the the back room to sort of get the final preparations done when a voice called out to me.

As I turned around to look, I was seeing that it was Todd. I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to say something, but did not really know how the hell he was going to be approching me on this. If he was going to actually have the answers that I had needed, or if he was not going to really saying anything to me here. "I was wanting to talk to you guys for a moment before you went up on the stage to perform." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking totally unsure of what to do.

"Are you guys going to be telling me that I am wasting my time, an dthat I just need to go on and do something more productive with my time here?" I asked, and I was sort of hiding the annoyed sound in my voice, trying to make it seem like I was not going to be angry with him for just trying to go on and reaching out to me. Then he sighed, and decided he would continue, and block away what I had said to him.

"Well I know that we have not been the most supportive of you and your jokes and all of that stuff lately. I know that we have often times made it seem like you were sort of wasting your time on this whole thing. That being said, when we see how much you are into it, and we see how much you want to go on and keep this going, that is when we realized something about ourselves." Todd said, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be responsible for once in his life.

"Honestly, I know that this is not going to be easy for any of us to do. To admit that we were bad to you. But I think that it is time to apologize. We should have been there to try and support you, and make you feel better, but we did not do that. We instead just sort of want out of our way to make it seem like you were going to make no progress. We were shitty siblings." Todd said, and then he was wondering what I would say now.

"I know that you are probably going to be feeling like this is a bit too little, too late. If you feel like you do not want to be listening to me, and you do not want to let us have a chance to change our ideas to you, then we could understand. But we were kind of hoping to sort of maybe hear you give us another chance. I think that this would be good for us." After he was done saying this, I was seeing him continue what he was saying, finally getting it together.

"Well, to start off with, I know that sometimes you do push too far. Sometimes, we do feel like the jokes are not all that funny. Sometimes we feel like there is just some fakeness to it. But that being said, you do enjoy it. You do seem to actually have a passion on all of this, and that is what is more important. That is why we need to accept you for who you are." After Todd was finishing this up with me, he was looking like he had wanted to say more, but could not.

"Thanks for being here for me. I know that it might be taking more for me to fully be ready to continue on, and to fully accept this new chance of embrace. But I feel like the fact that you seem to be giving it a chance, or wanting to give it a chance, then you are being nice." After I was telling Todd this, I saw him looking like he had wished to say more, but did not really feel the need to continue with this, and just felt like we had voiced ourselves enough.

"I mean, it truly is the last that we can do to make sure that you know that we are going to at least try and make it better for you. I don't know if you are going to be fully willing to listen, and I guess it would make sense if you are like that. But I can't really know what to be saying now." Todd said, and then I was feeling like I needed to ask the more important question, the question that I knew was going to be at the back of my mind until I got it over with now.

"How many of you guys are here right now? To help watch me perform?" I asked, and then I was seeing Todd smiling, as if feeling like this answer was going to be what I would want to be hearing. And from the way he was acting, I was feeling like maybe we were going to sort of make some form of progress right now.

"Well, all of us besides Gabe actually. We even decided to bring Ridge along, since even though he is only a couple of weeks old, we feel like the idea of rejecting several of us to go because of simple age would be kind of rude of us. We were thinking that we could at leats let you have this." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to go on and say more, he was just sort of feeling like he had made his point, and that there was no need to continue this.

"I have no idea what Gabe is doing, in case if you were going to be aksing about this. I think that he might just sort of be off doing his own thing, and I think that if you were to try and get him to tell you this stuff, he would probably reject you and stuff." Todd said, and then I was seeing the other siblings looking like they were interested in what I was doing now, even the children.

"You better go up there and make some morbid jokes." Henry said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was wondering what the heck I was going to say to him to make him feel different. I was thinking that if I was going to be listening to a five year old on this, but I was thinking that if I was going to go with his idea of making morbid jokes, I was thinking that maybe the teachers were not going to be super excited to let us do this.

"I will think about it possibly. I mean, I might not be doing it, but I will think about doing it when I get to your turn." I said, and then I was feeling like that was going to be the best that I was going to be able to say to him, and the only thing I could get him to say to make him feel differently now. But then again, he was just showing a bit of himself by doing this now.

"See, you really do not know to get the people to listen to you." He said, and I was seeing him genuinely sounding like he was thinking this was a good idea. That he was just wanting to sort of be able to continue this. But then I was looking at the door, before looking right back at the siblings. Manny had went inside, and was either home or taking a seat, and I did not blame him for this entire thing, given the cold.

"Well, I am really happy that you are all willing to let me have a chance on showing this whole thing off. I mean, I don't know how many of you want to be here, or know what it is going to mean to me, but I appreciate it." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I had said my point, and that anything else was just going to be a waste of my time, and theirs as well.

"I think that when we see you up there, and we see you doing what you do best, I think that maybe everything will be worth it at the end. I think that all we needed was to just see you doing your own thing for once." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to continue, but did not want to go on in feeling like he had made his voice heard, and did not need to continue beating down the point now.

"Honestly, I am just sort of wishing that Gabe was here. I mean, it might be my business what he is doing. I have no idea what he is up to on a normal basis. But I just sort of wish that he would have been here to sort of listen to me at least trying to go with my plans." After I was saying this to them, I was just feeling like the entire point was going to be all for not, and that I just needed to fucking stop with this whole thing.

"Well, maybe next time something like this comes up, you can tell him what the issue is, and he might be willing to listen to you. I mean, if he knows that you really care about this, then I think that I will try to get him to go along." After Josiah said that to me, I was seeing him slightly playing some small notes on his guitar, just trying to find something to make himself feel like he would change the subject, to make it seem a bit less strange for him, and not like I was just getting into a rough story.

"I know that I need to be patient with him though. I will see how it could be like." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find a way to say something else. I was thinking that maybe I needed to cut him some slack, since usually he was the nicest of the siblings, and that I needed to think about where this was coming from, and that if he needed to flake out on me one fucking time, I needed to try and be able to see where he was coming from at least, and not be making things worse for him.

"I want to see what I can do to change the perception people have of me. I mean, I want to go up there, and I want to finally make a difference in peoples impression of me. When I do that, then I think that I can start to be calling myself at least moderately successful." I said, and then I was thinking about what I was saying, and the fact that I was getting myself into something that was going to be opening up a fucking urn of emotions.

"Well, I think that I am going to be going in right now, and I am going to just see what I can do to get the people there to see what I am trying to accomplish." I said, and then after I had said that, I was still thinking of the fact that my siblings went out of their way to go on and see me and be there to support me, and make me feel better for what was going on. The whole thing was changing how I felt on all of this.

I was feeling like I just needed to get this whole thing over with. I was getting to the door, but Lydia was coming up to me, and she was looking like she had wanted to say something to me to make me feel better about what I was going to do now. "Hey Seth, before you go in, I was wanting to let you know something. This might be making you feel better." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was just wanting to tell me something, and I was feeling like I just needed to hear what she had wanted to say, and get this whole thing over with.

"I am proud of the fact that you have the courage to go up there and present the stuff you are enjoying to others. I feel like this is going to show how far you have come with your work." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her genuinely looking like she was meaning what she had been saying, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and see what she was going to wish to say now to change it all.

"It is that if I do not do that, then I am going to feel bad for not going up there, and at least trying. I feel like at least trying is the most important thing that I can fucking do. It will make me feel like I can sort of show the people what I have been working on, and show them that I wanted to make it all better for us." After I had said that, I was thinking of what else to be saying. Since I had no idea where this was going to be going.

"Good luck when you are up there. You are going to need it. We will be sitting at the back, making sure that you always know that somebody is going to be there to make you feel better in case if you needed it." After she had said that to me, I was then sighing, feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to keep it better for myself. I was nodding, and going right inside of the school, wondering what I was going to be doing now, and what I was needing to get going iwth my material here.

Once inside of the building, I was taking a long and deep breath, sort of unsure of what I was going to do now. I was seeing that there was a man in black standing behind a box, and he was writing something down on a piece of paper. When he had seen me, I saw him looking at me for several moments, as if he was wondering what he was going to be able to do to make me understand what was going to happen now.

I did not need to wait for too long when the guy was coming to me. After he was right in front of me, I was seeing him glancing right down, wishing to find something that could make me know that I was going to be getting myself into something big if I was not careful with myself right now. "We know what your older siblings are up to, and I was wondering if you could be able to help me out with my investigations." After he was saying this to me, and I was just looking at him feeling like I needed to find something to make this whole thing work differently.

"I have no idea what you are talking about. And even if I did know, I would not tell you. For as many faults that they each have, they are still members of my family." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and then he was looking like he was just wanting to find something to tell me, but that he was going to need to find a way to be polite on this whole thing to make me feel unsure of what I was doing right now.

I mean, even if I hated what Gabe was doing, and even if I had to be stupid to even pretend like there was no connection between him being out and this guy, I was feeling like I just needed to keep him out of this. I needed to accept the fact that my family wasoff doing things differently than me, and being like this was the only way that I could sort of show that I had accepted that whole thing, and that I was going to be a man about it.

"This is very important. You might not see the value to what we are looking into right now, but I think that there are some great secrets that he owes you the right to know the truth of." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more to me. But then I was seeing that the show was going to be starting soon. I was going to start to wlak there, but then he was placing his hand on my shoulder.

Now that I was having him do this, I was genuinely scared of what I was going to be setting myself up for. I was then feeling like I just needed to keep my calm and composure. To at least pretend like I was not going to be phased by what this man was going to be doing to me now.

"Listen to me. You are a child. I am your superior in every single way possible. You are going to have to listen to me when I tell you that I am not going to be letting you play around with me, and act like you can just brush us all off. This is the biggest thing you could be doing with your life, and you are letting blood loyalty get in the way." After he had told me this, and I was shaking my head at what this guy was doing.

"I can't be doing this with you right now. I have a comedy show coming up really soon, and I am going to need to be getting ready. I mean, you might be thinking that I am willing to sort of go off and do my own thing right now, but this is not the case right now." I said, and I was seeing him looking like he was just ready to fucking sock me across the fucking face for trying to fight with him on this whole thing, and that I knew that this was the worst thing I can be dealing with now.

"If you go up there, then everything you will have been doing will be compromising the safety and life of your family. Do you think that this is going to be worth it in the long run?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking at me, as if genuinely looking like he was wanting to find something else to me to make me get it in my head that this was the worst path that I could be going on with this whole thing.

"This is just a fucking show. You knowthat it is not going to be that big of a deal. I am just going to be doing what I want. if you really care so much, then maybe we can talk about what to do later." I said, and I was trying my best to be sounding like I could be diplomatic with this whole thing. I was wanting to make him see that I was willing to at least work with him sort of, as long as my family was still safe. But that I was just valuing the family first.

"One of these days, I would wish that you can see what we are trying to accomplish, and you will be willing to see that we want nothing more than the best for you all." After the man was saying this, I knew that he was totally just saying that to let my guard down, but that I was not going to be letting him do this. I would not fall for it. And then I was walking to the main set up room, feeling like if I was focused on the show, I could finally make people see that I was ready for the act.

...

-Dec 10 1993 9:30 pm- I was standing up at the stage, and then I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just needed to find something to possibly say to get the people interested in what I was saying, rather than only be focusing on the performance that Josiah had just put up. He needed to not be so fucking good. When he was so good, it would make me feel like a fucking loser now, and then I was just telling myself to get over it and try my best.

I was thinking that the best thing to do was just sort of speak right my mind, and see what they were going to be saying. "Well, I have a lot of stuff that I personally witnessed, but never really had a lot of involvement with. I mean, when you have so many siblings, there is always going to be something going on at a house, and that there is never a truly quiet moment." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to find more to say.

"Well, I remember a few days ago when my younger sister was telling me a story about when she was watching one of our siblings with her oldest brother Todd. He was pretty much doing his own thing, but he was honestly probably just a bit bored, and just needed something to spice up the day a bit more." I said, and then I was glancing at Lydia and Todd, and I was slowly winking at them. For the time being, they were both looking like I was not pissing them off yet.

"So with that, Lydia was just watching the kid, and minding her own business when Todd decided that he was going to be making the day more interesting, so he was getting up and went right to his bedroom to grab something from there, and after a couple of minutes he had come back, and then he was holding a thing of weed." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was a bit worried where I was going to go, but that he was wishing to let me have a chnace at least, and that he was going to be leaving me alone for a while longer.

"He started to smoke it, and he was on top of the world when he was doing this, sort of just having the moment, and letting it take him away. He was getting more and more high while Lydia was just thinking that he was adapting and showing a different part of who he was, and she did not think that it was going to be a big deal to be leaving him alone here." I said, and then I was looking at them, and I was wondering what the heck Todd would be saying to me after this was done.

"After he was done, he was just crashed out on the couch, and he was pretty much just singing a lullaby to himself, not even aware of what he was doing, and Lydia was just talking about how terribly he had smelled, and that she was wanting to go on and tell him this, but was worried that she would be rude to him, so decided not be too worried on this." I was continuing, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying now, to keep the whole thing more interesting.

"Seriously, when I had heard about this, and what had happened, you could bet that I wished that I would have been there to learn more about it. But they hid the truth, and now I am going to have to be wondering what the heck was going on." I said, and then I was just shrugging, as if making it look like I was not giving a shit about what the heck was going on now. I was then just thinking about what I could be saying next.

"Another time, there was another one of my younger brothers, Henry, who was watching some random horror movie. Does it really matter what the film was? No, it doesn't. The point was that when there was that one scene where a person was killing a couple of the main characters, instead of hiding away like a normal person would, he was just watching intently, and he was making it look like he had wanted to watch more of it." After I was continuing, I was wondering I was feeling like I just needed to come up with something else, and say something that would make them not feel like I was attacking them.

"Honestly, the whole thing with him watching the movie and paying way too much attention to killing people is not the funny part. The funny part was that for like a whole month afterwards, he was always going around to us, and he was pretending like we were targets of his scheme, and he would go around, and pretend to kill us and that we were so happy with the fact that he was having any form of imagination, that we basically let him have it for a while longer." I said, and then I was just thinking that maybe I did not need to think on this a while longer.

"I mean, for a couple of days, I was wondering if we were going to be seeing one of my siblings just gone or something like that. I mean, as awful it would be to witness this, the idea and fear of having that in my mind is now funny as hell, and I think that maybe there is something to be finding amusing about the idea." I said, and then I was feeling like I had made my point with that idea, and needed to find something else now.

"Another time, maybe not as exciting as the ones I mentioned earlier, was the one time when my older brother Josiah was always trying to be sounding like the best music artist in the family. So what he would do every night was stay up all night long playing music, and just praticing. Since I live in the same room as he does, I had to deal with him on a constant basis. I remember the one time when I was so tired of what he was doing that I actually got up and hit him in the face with a pillow." I was sighing, looking right at Josiah, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something to make me feeling annoyed with this.

I was then thinking of what else I could be saying. I had no idea what the heck I was going to be saying, since I had felt like I was going to need to find a way to either continue that story, or just find something else to say. "He was annoyed with me, and he was grabbing the pillow, and then we went into a pillow fight for like a couple of minutes. I ended up winning because I hit him right in the eye, and that ended up really hurting his eye, and he could not see out of it for like a week."

After I had finished saying that, I was seeing Jack looking right at Josiah, as if wondering why he was lying about how he ende dup getting that black eye, and why he did not just saying that he ended up getting his ass handed to him during a pillow fight. But to be honest, I did not want people to be thinking that way. All that happened was that he ended up letting his guard slightly down now, and I did not want to place him on pressure.

Then with that, I was just thinking about what I could be able to say to make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Then I was thinking about another joke that I had made. "One time my youngr brother Jack was trying to play some basket ball outside, and he was wanting to get on a sports team last year, and was trying to train for it. He then threw the ball and missed the hoop so bad that it ended up hitting the wall of the car, and then the ball went through the window of the car in front of the house, and we had to rapair our car window now." I said, and then I was laughing at that, feeling that was a perfect one.

"Honestly, he was so ashamed of what had happened, and could not handle what he did that both mom and dad just decided to let the guilt be the thing that was considered enough of a punishment. Lesson of the day was that we always need to park the car away from the house, and at the curb near the sidewalk. The extra ten seconds of walking is worth not breaking the car again." I said, wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now.

"One time the twins flooded the bath tub because they were trying to take a bath, and this was their first time not having any adults next to them, that they did not not know when or how to stop the water. After they had realized what had happened, they were so scared of what was going on that they ended up lying and saying that it was clogged." I was saying, wondering what the twins were going to be feeling with me mentioning that, and if they were going to be giving me death glares, or admit that maybe that was something they needed to be prepared for when I was up here.

"I was laughing my fucking ass off when I was seeing this. Of course it was the funniest thing that I had ever seen. But my parents did not really find it as such. They were furious at the whole situation, and I think that the fury kind of ruined the whole moment." I was shrugging, trying to find something else to say. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to find something else to keep the whole thing going. But I had noticed that I only had one minute left of the show, and that I needed to wrap up soon.

"So one time I ended up walking into our parents having sex. They thought that everybody was out of the house, or asleep in their baby naps. But I was in the house after doing something at school that day. I did not see some specific groceries at the house, so I ended up going to their room to try and tell them what we were missing, and then there I was, watching them fuck like crazy. I was horrofied at what I had witnessed, but did not know what to be saying and just walked away. I know how basic anatomy works a little too well now." I laughed, and then I was just thinking of something else I could say, and I was seeing all of my siblings looked terrified that I had said that to them.

"Well, I was not really knowing what was going on. But when I learned that nine months later, the second youngest sibling would be born, I was really smart and able to figure it out right away. Let's just say that I was not quite expecting to get a literal sneak peak of the second to last sibling out of the bunch. And that is all I can talk about before I run out of time." I said, and dropped the mic, and walked off the stage and was getting ready to grab my stuff to go home later.

Once I was inside of the room where the preparations were, that was when I was seeing that guy again. I was looking away, trying to pretend like I did not see him, and that I was feeling like as long as I did something like that, I might be able to pretend like this was not a issue, and as a result, I would be able to get him away from here once and for all.

I was seeing him coming towards me though. There was no way in hell that I was going to be getting him away from me. I knew that I just needed to talk with him, and see what he was wanting to bother me with this time, and then afterwards, I would be able to go away, and then I was going to be able to sort of just pretend like I would not be having to deal with him, and be on my way.

"Hello, what are you doing trying to get away from me. We were supposed to be having a lot of things that we need to discuss, and I would really appreciate it if you turn around and talk with me, and see where I am coming from." After he had told me that, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something else. Something to get me to fucking look at him, and not be getting him to feel like I was bitch.

"Listen, I do not want to be doing any business with you, and if you are trying to do something that will bring my brother down, I am not really in the mood to be doing something like that. I would really appreciate it if you did not even trying to go on and make me change my mind on this." After I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted me to say something else, but did not know where I would go with that now.

"You need to at least give me a chance to explain. I think that you would be willing to sacrifice your brothers benefits if it meant keeping the rest of your family safe." After he had said that to me, I was looking at him, and I was clearly going to try and show him that I was in no mood to be having him do this to me. So I walked to him, ready tomake my point very clear to him.

"We will not debate this right now. I have made my mind. I will not let any of my siblings get hurt over what you are telling me. I just got out of the best day of my life, and you are going to be getting in my way, and trying to ruin it all because you want to bring down my brother for no fucking reason." I said, and pushed him off, really not wanting to be dealing with him at all, and I was sick and tired of him already.

"How would you feel about the fact that you know that if something were to happen to them, it would be all your fault? It would be out of you being selfish, and not wanting to look at the bigger picture. Do you think that you can be able to see the logic of where I am coming from if you actually tried?" After he had asked me this, I was really wanting him to fucking stop, and I would leave him, and then he would be gone forever.

"Honestly, nothing you say will make me change my mind. I already know what I am going to be doing, and you will have to get the fuck over it, and not be making a huge deal out of this." I said, and then I was ready to be leaving this alone. I was feeling like I was being enough of a firm man with what I had been saying, and that soon enough, he was going to be leaving me alone, and not getting in my business on this anymore.

"I was hoping that maybe you would have been able to see it my way. But it seems like you are never going to get it. I guess that I might be able to get you to see it eventually though." He was saying this to me, and I was just starting to walk off, not really in the mood to listen to him anymore. He was already making his point, and I was really fucking over it all by this point in time.

"I will not change what I am feeling. I have too much to be losing by doing this. I have a family that I live with. I love my family, even if you do not get it. I will do everything to make sure that they are happy, and that they are safe." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering if he was going to be getting it in his head after this. Eventually, I was leaving the concert hall, and I was feeling like once I was with my family again, I was going to be having a whole nother battle to be dealing with on them.

Eventually, when I was out of the room, I was feeling so much better, and I was feeling like I could have been able to just sort of put it all behind me. I was sort of wondering when I was going to be getting him out of my mind. I was feeling like I was looking too deeply into this, and that in all honesty, none of this really mattered. I was just sort of milking something out, and that it was really not all that big of a deal, and that it was just some fucking strange dude.

I was seeing Todd at his car, and he was looking at me, as if trying to think of something to be saying to sort of break the silence on what he was feeling right now. "So, did you have fun doing all of that? You know, basically making all of us have our really most embarassing moments being leaked?" Todd asked, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he had wanted an answer. I was feeling like when I was seeing him like this, looking genuinely kind of annoyed with me, I was just trying to think of something to say to get myself in a better spot now.

"I just thought that they would have found it amusing. I did not think that it was going to be all that big of a deal." I said, and I was meaning what I had said. I did not think that he would really care when he was hearing where I was coming from. I just wanted to be able to get him to sort of get off my back, since I knew that he was going to be making me regret it all.

Then he was smiling as he was seeing me about to freak out, and then he was laughing. "Don't worry about it. We were honestly all really impressed that you were able to have the courage to do something like that. I mean, I don't really know how you found it in yourself to do it, but in all honesty, I am not too worried about it. Just don't go crazy with it." After he had said that, I was seeing him getting to the driver seat. I was getting in one of only two open spots in the car, and I was wondering what the heck was going to be happening now. I was wondering also what the hell was going on with Gabe, and I had felt like I just needed to try and get him to tell me what he was doing. It was the least that I had deserved after he had left me like this. I was a bit annoyed, but I felt like with an answer, it would be better.

"I just wanted to get up there, and I was wanting to be myself for once. I was truly feeling like when I was up there, and I was not making any issues, I was actually at least making something of a difference that truly mattered." I said, and then I was smiling at the whole thing. Seriously, the only thing that would have made it different was if Gabe was here. I was going to talk to him about it, and maybe when I would say how much it meant to me, he would take it more seriously in the future, and actually support me in my future shows.

"I think once I know what is going on with Gabe, and I know what he is dealing with, I will probably be much more fair to him. I just wish to know what was going on, and them maybe we could have been able to work together, and maybe I can help him fix things up sooner." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of saying something that had no chance of really happening. And that was the thing that was really worrying the shit about me.

"I think that if you were going to try and talk with him, you would be really let down. I think you are just going to have to accept the fact that something like this is not happening." After Todd was saying that, I was hearing some slight amount of anger in his voice, but I was not wanting to be bringing up anything of it, because I did not want him to be saying something like that I had been lying or anything like that.

"I know that it does not really matter. I mean, if he needs to do something more important, then I just sort of need to be getting over it. I think that maybe when I finally get over the fact that one out of the ten siblings did not show up, then I might be able to move on faster. I think that I am just going to have to accept the fact that some people have different things they care about than anything I am doing right now." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say to make it all work out in the end of the day.

"He's probably just hanging out with friends or something like that. I would not be thinking too deeply to this whole thing if I were true. I think that maybe if I were to try and explain he is doing, I would probably be coming up with so many false answers that I would only be making things worse for us." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But that he was just too worried to do so in fear of how everybody was going to be taking this right now.

"Of course you are the one who goes out of the way to defend him. I always know that you are a much more tolerant man when it comes to this stuff." I said, and I was genuinely meaning it nicely, but in the moment, as my thoughts were racing at a million miles a fucking hour, I knew that any idea of me thinking calmly, and rationally here, was going to be going out the fucking window, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to treat him better in most cases.

"Either way, I know that it is not going to make a difference. I feel like I am just going to be on my own, and I feel like I am going to have to enjoy the show that I am going to work on." I was saying, and with time, I was getting more worried that something was going on with him, and even if it annoyed me, I was just wanting to make sure nothing happened to him.