Rey laid on the shirt Ben had worn, the only thing that remained of him. She could still smell his scent upon the black fabric, could still feel his warmth. Tears spilled from her closed eyelids as the truth surrounded her. She had lost him. Everything she did, everything to save him, was for nothing. In the end, he slipped away.
"Ben," she whispered, her very soul broken beyond repair. "Come back to me"
Her hands balled into fists, her knuckles white holding his shirt. There was no noise, no rushing sound to announce to the world she had lost Ben. There was just… nothing. She would die too, she decided. She'd lay in this cold, dark place until death came to sweep her away too. Rey fell into a dreamless sleep.
"I found her!"
Her eyes barely came open at the sound of several voices. She was lifted into someone's arms, Ben's shirt still in her hands. She didn't move, didn't acknowledge the person holding her. She didn't care where they took her.
They laid her on something warm and soft, a hand feeling gently of her face. "Chewie, take her back to the base. She needs medical attention." Rey recognized Poe's voice floating towards her in the fog of her mind. Chewie said something low.
"No," Poe's voice broke, "We didn't find him. He's gone."
A soft sound came from the big Wookie, almost like a cry. Rey fell back into the darkness of dreamless sleep.
When she awoke again, a soft light shone above her head. The air around her was cold, but she felt warmth blanket her body. Someone was close, she could hear them breathing, could hear the hitch in their breath. They were crying. She wasn't ready to talk yet, so she drifted off to sleep.
"Rey."
Her eyes opened. Someone was calling her from the blissful nothingness of darkness. She tried to fight it, but her mind awoke. With it, came the pain. She recoiled away from the broken feelings, but it latched on.
"General, it's been four days. Something is wrong with her. We… we are losing her."
Rey felt a hand upon her cold forehead, felt it shake slightly. "I've lost too much. I cannot lose her too."
Four days. Four days since Ben died. Four days since the world around her crumbled to nothing. Rey couldn't hide from the truth any longer as her body came more awake. She sucked in a breath. Like fire, it burned through her lungs. The hole in her chest ripped wider and from it she purged her pain.
Rey's mouth came open in a hoarse scream. She had no tears left to cry, but that didn't ease the pain any. She opened her eyes to face her new reality. Her mouth hung open in a silent scream, and she drowned in her loss as her eyes met Leia's.
The older woman looked as if she had aged ten years since she had last seen her. She leaned towards Rey, running a soft hand over Rey's face. Leia wrapped her arms around Rey, rocking her gently. All Rey could do was hold on.
"Rey, you need to eat," Leia said, gently.
She sat by Rey's bedside, her hand holding firmly to Rey's. Rey stared off into the distance, her body weakened. Her eyes felt twice their size as the bags under them hung low and heavy. Ben's shirt still remained in her hand. She looked down at it, realizing this was all that she had left of him.
With some effort, Rey sat up in the bed, taking Ben's shirt and pulling it over her head. His scent engulfed her immediately, and it was almost her undoing. She held the shirt close to her chest, her eyes slammed shut. Leia touched the shirt, tears springing into her eyes.
"They had the easy part," Leia whispered. "Han and Ben. It's the ones of us who are left behind that must deal with the horrible part."
"I—I tried to save him," Rey said, her voice hoarse.
A tear slid down Leia's face, her lips trembling. "There wasn't anything in this world that would have kept him from going after you."
Rey turned her haunted eyes to the woman who had lost so much in such a short time. "I'm so sorry," Rey whispered.
Leia let out a small cry as she stood to her feet. She wrapped her arms around Rey, hugging her tightly to her chest. "My son knew what he was doing. If he had to do it all over again he would have done it all the same."
"I—I can't live without him," Rey said, her voice muffled.
"You must, Rey. It is what he would have wanted for you. You can't give up the will to live. His death would mean nothing if you do."
Rey slammed her eyes closed at Leia's words. She didn't want to hear them. She wanted an excuse to give up. She wanted an excuse to join Ben.
A week had passed since Ben's death. The Resistance grew triple in size as many people who fought alongside them now joined them at the base. Rey sat on a large rock formation behind the base. She scratched the white surface with a stick, her eyes staring at the red underneath. She mostly stayed away from everyone. Occasionally Leia would seek her out to check on her, but everyone let her keep to herself. She'd ran into Poe, Finn and Rose a couple of times. They tried to include her in things they were doing, but she politely declined them.
Rey didn't miss the looks people gave her. She knew how she looked, how her body was shrinking. She could feel the strength within her slowly seeping away. They'd finally made her eat something, but it was barely enough to keep her awake most days. Her clothes hung loosely on her thinning body. She kept Ben's shirt close. Right now, it was tied around her waist. Every night she'd slip it over her head. She could almost pretend it was his arms holding her as she slept. His scent was slowly fading away, and she feared the day would come where she couldn't smell him anymore.
She closed her eyes, begging the sun above her head to warm her, but the sun ignored her. She remained as cold as stone. Rey had tried every day to reach out with her mind for Ben. She found only silence. Yesterday was the last time she'd tried. Yesterday was the day she'd turned her back on the Force. She cursed its existence over and over as her tears fell. From that moment she felt nothing.
Leia appeared and walked towards her. In truth, she was the only one who dared to really bother Rey. But, Leia was the only one Rey really responded to. Leia sat down beside her, locking her arm in Rey's. They'd grown closer through Ben's death. Rey felt the woman should have hated her, but she didn't.
"The doctor said you refused to eat today," Leia said, low.
"I'm fine," Rey said, her voice wavering.
"No, you're not. You're far from fine… and that's okay, Rey. But, your body won't hold out much longer. You're slipping away."
"Let me," Rey whispered, turning her bloodshot eyes to Leia. "Please."
Leia sighed, wrapping an arm around her. "For the love I have for my son, I cannot do that, Rey. I cannot watch you choose to die."
Rey kept silent, for that is what she wanted. She wanted to die, wanted the nothingness to end. She closed her eyes for a moment, the weakness within her growing by the minute. The truth of it was, she was dying… wasn't she? If her and Ben's fate was intertwined she would die.
"I'm sending you to Ahch-To… to Luke. I've come to realize that we can't help you here, but maybe he can."
Rey raised her eyes to Leia, her head slowly shaking. She didn't want to go back to that island, didn't want to see the man that had deserted them. The memories would be too awful.
"No," she hissed.
Leia touched her face, holding her cheek. "Have you ever come to a decision that just felt right, Rey? Well, I have. I feel it to my very soul. This will save you. By going to Ahch-To, you might be saved."
"I don't want to leave," she whispered.
Tears sprung in Leia's eyes. The loss of both a husband and child were evident in her features. "He's not here, Rey. He will never walk through the doors. Please, if you truly love him as much as you say you do then go to Ahch-To. Take some time to heal your soul and then if you wanted to you could come back."
"I have no soul," Rey said.
But, two days later Rey sat on board the Millennium Falcon. Chewie flew the ship towards Ahch-To. Rey stared out of the window in the back, her mind a silent whisper. This was a hopeless cause. Rey felt herself floating closer to an endless sleep. She welcomed it.
When Chewie landed them upon the island, Luke waited to greet them on that stormy day. Rey tucked Ben's shirt into her belt, and with Chewie's help she climbed out of the Millennium Falcon. Luke watched her, his face masking his thoughts. He nodded for Chewie to follow him.
Luke took them towards the three small huts, and Rey had to fight the urge to scream. She couldn't look at the hut that belonged to Ben, knowing he would never use it again. Instead, she slowly walked into her own hut and laid down. Nothing inside had changed. Closing her eyes, she drifted to sleep.
A few hours later she awoke to the sound of logs crackling on a fire outside her tent. She sat up, her eyes squinting in the darkness. When she peered outside, she noticed Luke coaxing the fire. The flames licked towards the sky, the logs singing to a popping tune. There was a large pot in the middle of the fire, the contents boiling out of the top.
Luke looked up at her, nodding his head towards a large log in front of the fire. She took small steps towards the sitting place as a wave of dizziness hit her. She stopped, gently swaying on her feet, but the feeling died down long enough for her to sit. Luke sat back on his heels, watching her silently for a few moments.
Her eyes stared into the flames, a part of her wanting nothing more than the flames to engulf her. To make her feel something… anything. Luke grabbed a bowl and poured in the soup-like substance. He held it out to her, but she only stared at it. She slowly turned her head, refusing what he offered. Luke sat back on his log, and helped himself to the bowl.
"Let me know when you're ready to come back to the living," he said, over a mouthful.
Rey stood gingerly to her feet and walked back in her hut, leaving Luke to his soup. She laid down, thinking what a fool the man was if he thought he could get through to her when others could not. There was no getting through to her… not anymore.
"Take me too," she whispered to death, the same words she whispered every night since Ben died.
But, every morning her eyes would wake to the morning sun instead. On this particular morning she ventured out of her hut towards the cliff's edge. She sat down, watching the waves below her crash into the shore. Her legs hung over the edge, dangling lightly in the breeze. Rey contemplated just pushing off the edge. She suspected a watery grave was better than the alternative.
She'd never be able to pull it off. Luke was always watching, and as if on cue he sat down beside her. She never looked at him, never said a word to him, but it didn't stop him from talking to or looking at her.
"Not a very good day for a swim, Rey," he said.
Rey didn't respond. Even as the seconds turned to minutes she didn't say a word. A part of her thought that maybe if she wouldn't respond he would go away. She wanted to remain in her world of nothingness. It was safer there. Beside her, Luke sighed heavily.
He stood to his feet to walk away. He took a few steps but stopped. "You're not the only one that lost him, Rey."
A flicker of her eyes was her only response. She continued to stare out over the violent waves as Luke took a few steps towards her. "Do you not think I see what's happening here? I reach out to you and I feel nothing. You're a hollow shell. You've shut your mind off to the Force. I've been where you are, Rey. There was a time after my father died that I shut myself off to the Force. I thought that I could live without feeling anything, that it would take away my pain. It did for a while, but that is no way to live, Rey."
Silence.
"I need you to come back to the Force, come back to the light. Open your mind to it again… please," he whispered.
Silence.
Long after Luke left her on the cliff, Rey laid down upon the cold, wet grass. He was wrong. Feeling nothing was what she wanted. She allowed the sound of the ocean to lull her to sleep. She dreamed of the waterfall, her first dream in weeks. Ben was with her, laying beside her with his arm draped over her waist. He gently kissed her. When he pulled back, his dark eyes watched her for a moment, a sad smile dancing upon his lips.
"I can't feel you," he whispered.
She touched his face, smiling. "I'm here."
"No…" he said. "No, you're so far away from me. Come back to me, Rey. Come back to me."
Rey's eyes shot open, the waterfall disappearing. In its place was the large ocean with its crashing waves. Above her, large black clouds were rolling in. She felt sadness and loss drowning her. She'd not felt anything in over a week, but the dream reminded her of all she had lost. She closed her mind, pushing against her emotions and locking them away inside their box in the back of her mind. The nothingness soaked into her veins once more.
Cold air settled over the island later that afternoon, and by the time the sun gave way to the night it was freezing. Rey sat staring at the fire Luke had made for his supper. An untouched plate of meat and fruits sat at her feet, but she ignored it. Even as her stomach growled in protest she didn't touch the food.
A gust of wind came down upon them, knocking off the thick blanket from her shoulders. Rey didn't give it a second though, even as the cold bit at her skin. Luke watched her, his mouth slowly chewing his food. He sat his plate down, walking towards her and placing the blanket back on her shoulders. It fell off again. Still, she ignored it. Luke sat beside her, a heavy sigh filling the silence. He gently placed the blanket on her shoulders again. He wrapped an arm around her, holding her for the remainder of the night as the wind howled around them. For a moment, Rey thought he was talking to her, but his words were too soft to understand.
Two weeks later…
She'd had the dream about Ben and the waterfall every night for a week. His words were always the same. He whispered that she was far away, that she needed to come back to him. She'd push the memory of the dreams out of her mind. It caused her eyes to water, causing the breath to stagger from her mouth when she awoke. If she had to endure one more night of the dream Rey knew she'd break completely.
Luke had tried talking to her every day, but she continued to give him the silent treatment. He'd give up eventually. She heard him walk up behind her, but she didn't turn around. Something fell at her feet. She turned her eyes down to see a staff laying in the grass. Luke walked slowly in front of her, a look of anger in his eyes. She met his anger with indifference. He was holding his own staff.
"What gives you the right to stop living when we the rest of us have to keep going?" he asked, low.
Silence.
"I need you to open your mind back to the Force, Rey!"
Silence.
"Pick up the staff," he growled.
Rey didn't move, but looked at him. She looked through him, her eyes unfocused. Luke whipped the staff around, stopping it within inches of her face. Rey never responded. He whipped it around again, coming from the opposite side.
"Open your mind, Rey!" he yelled at her.
Silence.
He hit her in the arm, not hard enough to cause damage, but hard enough for it to sting. She flinched slightly, but gave no other response.
Luke hit her again, harder this time. Rey stared at him, her eyes unfocused as if she weren't even there. Anger bled from his wise eyes. His teeth were bared as he growled at her.
"Open. Your. Mind."
The staff hit her in the stomach, causing her to bend over in pain. She opened her mouth to suck in a large breath of air. This time, the hit caused a reaction. After a few seconds, she straightened up. When her eyes met his again they were in focus.
"Pain," he yelled, "that means you're still alive, Rey. It means that you have to fight! You're drowning in something much worse than darkness, and if you don't pull yourself out you will miss what's right in front of you!"
Silence.
"I can't do this without you," he whispered.
He swung at her again, this time hitting her in the side. Rey staggered away, falling to one knee. She grabbed her side, pain shooting up and down her body. She closed her eyes against it, closed her eyes against the awakening starting to build within her. She desperately reached for the nothingness, but it slipped from her fingers.
"You can not hide from the Force forever! Open your mind," he screamed.
Luke raised the staff into the air, bringing it down towards Rey's back. Her hand slid over her staff, turning just in time to block the blow. Luke's eyes went wide, but she could see a hope starting to burn. She pushed him backwards, standing to her feet.
"You can go to hell," she said, her voice harsh with unuse. "You can take the Force with you. To hell with the Jedi. To hell with the Sith. I would burn both your houses to the ground for even one second of seeing his face."
With each word she spoke her emotions built so strong she feared she'd choke on them. Pain, anger, loss, sadness, terror, fear, they all pulled her down into an abyss of a never ending nightmare. She needed to purge herself of these feelings, which is why she swung the staff at Luke. This was his fault. He was making her feel again, making the nothingness abandon her.
He blocked her blows, but she swung faster and faster. Her body was so weak she knew she wasn't doing any real damage, but she didn't know what else to do.
"Let it out, Rey," he said, softly.
Suddenly, she opened her mouth and screamed. It went on and on with each swing she took. Tears flooded her eyes, causing Luke to disappear behind a watery vail. Once the floodgates of her emotions opened she couldn't stop them. She couldn't push them back in their box. They crashed down upon her like the waves below her feet.
The staff broke in her hand, but she didn't stop. The pieces fell to the ground, but she kept swinging. Luke didn't back away, but took each hit she gave him. He didn't try to sooth her or stop her. He knew she was awakening once more. She grabbed a fist full of his shirt, crumbling to the ground. Luke went with her, wrapping his arms around her as she continued to scream. She screamed until her voice ceased to exist. The Force flowed within her, opening her mind, body and soul.
"Now, you're ready," he whispered.
