Kyouko: Present
I pick at the plush back of the armchair I am currently curled up on. Kuon coos and fusses over little Ren as he packs her into her car seat. I want to ask where they're going but I hold my tongue. He probably won't ever trust me alone with her again. It makes me happy but also very sad. I can't be trusted to look after my own baby. What is wrong with me?
"Say goodbye to mommy." Kuon say turning her to face me.
I want to reach out and take her in my arms, but I wouldn't know what to do once I had her there. I'd probably be overcome with disgust and shove her back into his arms. I look away from her laughing eyes and chubby smiling cheeks. She makes gurgling noises and kicks so the dangling toys on her car seat jiggle.
"Bye mommy, I love you." Kuon says in a cutesy baby voice. Then with a commanding tone he addresses me. "Kyouko, say goodbye to your baby."
I look up at him waiting patiently for me to acknowledge his baby. After a moment I resume picking at the upholstery of the chair. I hear her laugh as he sighs and her toys jiggle with her happy kicks. I want to be overwhelmed with her cuteness. I want to love the sounds she makes. I want to need my baby, I do. A gentle hand touches my head and I flinch. I wish I didn't flinch away from his touch so much. He sighs and kisses my hair.
"I'll be back." He says a promise to reassure me that he isn't leaving me or maybe it's a warning for me not to do anything drastic while he's gone.
I hear them leave and I yearn to go after them. My husband and his baby are going out somewhere and I can't make myself believe that I deserve to be with them. My eyes close and I imagine being a spunky teenage girl again. Mogami Kyouko wouldn't have given up so easily. Fuwa Shoutaro couldn't beat her but then again, she never thought he was capable of such an act. How could someone I had known so well turn out to be such a complete stranger? Fuwa hadn't even been good enough to kill me afterwards. The coward just left me on that bed then he went into hiding. I wonder if his parents know what he did. If I told them, would they punish him for his crimes or shun me for daring to reject their precious heir? I wish I knew if Yayoi-san held any true affection for me, then I could say that she might at least whip her son. They could disown him from the family at the very least.
"Kyouko." Kuon startles me from my thoughts.
Confused I look up. I could have sworn he'd said goodbye but maybe that was a dream. He is standing over me his hand held out for me to take. What now? I look away from his hand to the floor around him, the baby is gone. My heart leaps to my throat. I search behind him and scan his arms. In my confusion I look down at my own arms though I know I've never really held her before.
Why is my heart beating so fast?
"Where's Ren?" My voice sounds frantic, but I can't understand why. I stand up and begin to search for her. "What did you do with her?" I scream running into the next room.
"Hey come here." Kuon catches me in his arms and pulls me close. I push him away and run to the bedroom then the bathroom searching for the child that I would have sworn I felt nothing for.
If that is true though why am I near tears as I shout at him? "Where's my baby?"
"Kyouko settle down. Little Ren is fine." Kuon says holding up his hands. "She went out with mom and dad to visit grandpa. It's ok."
"No, it isn't ok!" I shout still not comprehending what it is I'm feeling. "You can't do that!" I pause realizing that every time she had ever been out of my sight I still knew exactly where she was. She was always with him where she was safe and protected or here with me. "You can't send her off with someone else without telling me."
"I'm sorry." He beckons me to his arms. "You're right I should have told you she was going out without me this time." I hesitate but I really want to run into his arms. "I wanted to talk to you. Please baby come here."
Don't make that face. I hate that face. It's the kind of expression that I find impossible to resist. The face that makes me want to wrap him in my arms and never let go.
"Talk about what?" I ask taking a shaking step back. This must be the point where he tells me he's had enough. Why else would he look so sad? What else is there left to do besides cut me out of their life? It would be for the best to get rid of me.
"Don't do that." He says taking my head in his hands. "Kyouko, it's alright to be afraid. It's ok to love your baby." He says and my heart stop. I try to push his hands away.
"I wasn't scared." I try to lie but I was scared, I still am scared. What if Kuu and Julie get bombarded by paparazzi? What if some crazed fan sneaks up on them and takes my baby? What if Kimiko…? I shudder at the thought and pull his hands off my face.
"We can call them if you want."
"I'm not scared. What do I care if she's gone? Good riddance…" tears threaten to stream down my face and Kuon pulls me to him.
"It's alright to love her. You don't have to fight it. The fear and the pain are normal." He says petting my head. "I feel it too." His hands take hold of my face again forcing me to look at him.
My heart starts pounds painfully against my chest. I want to cry in his arms like a child. I want to be selfish and bask in his warmth. I don't deserve to be loved. I failed to protect Nika and I couldn't protect my virtue from Shoutaro, and I failed to love my own baby.
"No, Kyouko, none of that is true." His words send a jolt through me. I hadn't realized I'd been speaking aloud. "Stop blaming yourself." He kisses the tears from my cheeks. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Weak. I am weak. This man makes me weak. My walls shatter and I crumble into his arms sobbing like a foolish little girl. Kuon cradles me close and lets me cry until my head aches and my throat throbs with the effort. It is the first time in years that I don't feel detached from him. Like I'm more than just his obligation. Maybe that is all in my head though. How could I still mean anything to him? I try to wipe my snot on my sleeve but only make a mess of my face. With a gentle smile, Kuon uses his handkerchief to clean my face.
"Why don't you just leave me?" I ask. Part of me wishes he'd just get it over with. He should give up on me just like everyone else. I've always been unlovable since birth. Even my own mother couldn't love me.
He tips my chin up. "How do you expect me to live without my heart?" He asks kissing my cheek. "There is no way I would survive without you." After a long pause he nudges my head with his and says, "Talk to me."
I shake my head no and look down at my hands.
"I sent little Ren away because I need this to change." He says motioning between us. "I miss you."
"You miss a person who no longer exists. You shy innocent Kyouko dyed a long time ago." I cry needing him to understand that I'm not that girl anymore.
"Shy? Innocent? Sweet little Mogami-san. I loved her but she's not who I miss." He says and I look at him scrunching my face. "She was nice but darling she was a naïve teenage girl. I miss the woman who shoved me down on the floor the morning of my twenty-third birthday and ordered me to propose to her already."
I remember that morning. I was frustrated because I had been certain that he was going to propose on my birthday, but he sang a song for me in front of everyone at the grateful party instead. It was sweet how his voice had cracked with nerves and he blushed the entire time. Still he hadn't asked me to marry him and then valentine's day came and went but he showed no sign of asking. I had spotted the ring by accident while cleaning though, so I knew he wanted to ask me.
"Kuon, just ask me to be your wife already." He says mimicking my voice. "I can't say yes if you never ask."
The urge to cry overcomes me again but I have no tears left.
"Kyouko?"
"Kyouko, please talk to me?" I try to close myself off from the pain making his voice thick.
I'm scared. I am a little girl again and my mother is shoving me away from her.
"Kyouko," his voice is soft and hesitant. I am pregnant and being chased down by a murderer. "My Kyouko." His thumb caresses the side of my face and he sighs.
I am dizzy and I can't seem to control my limbs and Shoutaro is on top of me.
"I'm scared." My baby is dying again. I failed to protect her.
"Don't be. I'm right here." He says kissing my cheek. "Besides you're the strongest person I know."
"I'm not strong at all. I failed you. I failed her."
"No. Very bad things happened to you and you survived. You didn't fail anyone. The people who did this are broken not you. They are the cowards, not you. They failed at being decent human beings." Tears fall to my cheeks, but they aren't mine. "I never would have survived half of what you've been through. I'm proud of you for surviving, but you need to start living again."
Kuon holds me like and cries for what feels like forever. He must have been holding all his emotions back for my sake. My Corn has always been the one to soothe my pain and I selfishly let him take care of my needs. I haven't been fair to Kuon. In my own way I think I've been punishing him for not being there to protect me. I'm the one who feels like a failure, but I've been treating him as though he were the problem. Placing my hand over his heart I whisper the words I have been too afraid to say for three years.
"I love you."
My lips press against his and I release a deep shuddering breath. I am seventeen again and he is calm and gentle. Tender hands cup my neck and cradle my head. He leans back and surrenders as I deepen the kiss.
I had forgotten that being close to someone like this doesn't have to hurt.
"I love you Kuon." I declare against his mouth.
"I love you Kyouko."
"Kuon," I fix him with a stern gaze. "Never send my baby off without telling me."
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He says and damn him for using that sad puppy stare. "We can call mom and dad now if you want."
I do want to. He pulls out his phone without me saying so and calls Kuu. I stare at his face stained with tears. This is a step in the right direction, I hope. If I can just hold onto this happy feeling than maybe I can get better.
I smile when father's face shows up on the screen. He looks shocked but not at all disappointed as he holds up little Ren for us to see her. She is unharmed and happily making spit bubbles. How had I never noticed how cute she is? I want to hold her now.
"Alright see you soon." The call is ending too quickly but I've said nothing.
"Bye." I speak up suddenly and reach out wanting to touch my baby's face.
"Bye kid, I love you." Kuu says and I open my mouth to say it back but it's too much for me. He nods with a gentle smile. "Work on your relationship with Kuon first. Don't worry so much about mom and me."
"See you in a bit dad." Kuon says for both of us before they hang up. "See she's fine. She'll be home before you know it." He says to me and kisses my temple. "Tomorrow we'll go see Sasaki-sensei. I know we're not all better now, but this was good. Right?"
I hesitate for a moment but nod my head. An odd sense of calm and lightness has filled my body with hope. I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Kuon takes my hands and our finger intertwine. I want this feeling to last forever. I want us to be better. I am in this present moment with the man I love, and I am safe.
"You never had her." A low menacing voice startles me awake.
"Kuon?" I sit up on the couch and look around for him. There's a strange gurgling sound coming from the front door. I turn on the lamp on the end table and stand to make my way towards the door.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now, Fuwa." I freeze and all of a sudden, I am small and broken again.
A/N: I don't know if this chapter feel sudden but that's how it happened in the nightmare. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Remember to listen to scientists and medical professional not social media.
