You guys got me second-guessing letting this story end (but it willit has toand let's be real, you would be bored and so would I lolol). Thank you for making it this far.

Many thanks to Hadley for her help! Next update will be Sunday.


XXX

Edward and I FaceTime over the next five nights. We don't touch on anything too serious, always keeping the conversation light and sometimes a little flirty. We don't talk about our future or my therapy or Renee because all of those things feel a little too heavy, and we decide they need to be addressed in person.

The truth is, I don't know what's going to happen with us. Of course I want to be with him, and I get the impression he wants to be with me, too. But we need to have a real conversation and lay out concrete plans for what getting back together would look like. Regardless of what happened in the past, we'll still be long-distance, and that alone has its challenges. But now more than ever, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I know what it's like to be without him, and I refuse to let that happen again.

Two nights before I fly out to California, he doesn't call at his normal time. It's nearing nine, and I'm a little worried. We texted earlier in the day, and everything seemed okay, so I'm not sure what, if anything, could be wrong. I'm about to reach out when he finally FaceTimes me.

When he appears on the screen, my stomach drops a little when I see he's not smiling.

"Hey, sorry," he mumbles, looking a little distracted. Maybe even deflated. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

"It's okay," I murmur cautiously. "Everything's alright, yeah?"

He kind of avoids my eyes, scrubbing a hand over his face. "No. Not really."

My heart sinks, but I try not to jump to any conclusions before I hear what he has to say. "What's wrong, Edward?"

"I can't go to Santa Barbara anymore."

"Oh. Do you feel like it's too much pressure or—"

"No. God, no. Nothing like that," he stresses. "None of this has been too much. I've loved talking to you these last few nights. Long story short: some things got moved up, and I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow, the day before you arrive. It's all so fucking—" He stops himself, breathing sharply through his nose. "It's bullshit. The timing is bullshit, and I put up a fight, I really did, Bell. But I can't not go," he says, looking so fucking sad. "They'll pull me from the project, and I can't afford to lose it."

"I get it." I do. But it still hurts. I know it's not his fault; he has zero control. And this is his career. The timing isn't ideal, but we'll make it work. "It's okay. We can see each other another time. Like when you get back."

"In a month?" he mutters, not looking convinced.

"Sure," I say, trying to stay positive, despite the fact that I want to burst into tears. "What's another month right?" Even as I say it, I don't believe it. A month is a lot. A month is prolonging our inevitable conversation about what we both want and need. Prolonging our reunion. Everything still feels so fragile. A month between now and then could change so many things between us. I struggle with not letting on that I'm worried, though, because I'm trying to have faith, trying not to doubt us like I did before.

"We can still FaceTime," I add, shrugging.

"It's not the same."

I bite my tongue then say it. "If we eventually get back together, it would be like this all the time."

"What do you mean?"

"We'd have to rely on FaceTime and sporadic trips that might fall through. Like, this would be our reality."

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say because he doesn't look happy. At all.

"But in a few months y'all will have a job site in Santa Barbara. So… we'd only be a two hour drive."

"I won't necessarily work there," I say carefully. "That would be ideal, of course. The company can't relocate all of the Seattle crew, though."

"I'm not talking about the Seattle crew; I'm talking about just you," he says, frowning. "Surely getting relocated wouldn't be a problem if you asked?"

"I guess I assumed they would hire a completely new team."

His face falls. "You haven't even looked into relocating?"

"I mean… have you?" I ask sadly.

He shakes his head, looking away. "No—because I don't even know what we're doing."

"Me either. Which is why I haven't mentioned anything about working in California. Don't you think we need to actually have a conversation before either of us looks into making a permanent change?"

When he exhales, he looks more frustrated than before. "This is just so… fucking shitty."

"Are you mad at me?" I mumble.

"Not with you. I'm mad at the situation. I'm pissed I have to leave tomorrow, and I don't get to see you," he mumbles sadly. "I really wanted to see you. I need to see you."

His desperation tugs at my heart. "I know. I really wanna see you, too."

"I'm sorry our plans got fucked up."

"Don't. It's okay." I shake my head and offer a tiny, hopeful smile. "We'll make a new plan. And as far as the relocation... I'll figure it out. I'll try to get some info this week. Okay?"

"Okay."

The conversation is stilted after that. We're both in a funk, too sad to keep up the charade that we're okay, so we end the call early. I tell him to have a good flight, and he extends the same sentiment.

The next night, he doesn't call. And neither do I.

XXX

"I'm not gonna be able to see Edward this week like we planned," I tell Emily.

"What happened?"

"He flew to Chicago today. Work shit… I don't know. It sucks."

"How did you deal with the sudden change in plans?"

"Okay, I think. I mean, I get it. It's out of his control. Out of my control, too." I pause, sipping my water. "He was really upset. I hated seeing him like that."

"I'm sure he wants to see you."

"I know. We kind of argued, though, like… I think he was assuming I'd move to California, even though we hadn't talked about that yet."

"Do you want to move?"

"I'm not opposed to eventually doing that. I just want to be in a healthy place with him before we talk about it."

"Do you not feel like you're in a healthy place?"

"We're not in an unhealthy place but… I don't know. I think that conversation needs to happen in person, and it's delayed now."

Emily nods carefully. "Well, I think you're being wise about this, not jumping into anything. You're showing flexibility with sudden change of plans—you're not holding it against Edward or yourself. I think you're showing wonderful progress, Bella."

"Thanks."

"Were you able to write a letter to Renee? I know the last couple of weeks you were struggling with it."

I smile timidly. "After like, ten attempts of trying? Yes. I wrote something."

"Would you like to share it? Or keep it to yourself?"

I sigh, nervously wringing my hands together. "I can try reading it." I grab the letter I brought with me and unfold it until the crinkled page stares back at me.

"Renee," I say aloud, already feeling emotion well in my chest. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about what to say to you. The truth is, I don't really know how I'm feeling. I'm torn between being hurt you left, heartbroken that I clearly wasn't enough, and grateful that you weren't around to fuck me up even more—your words.

For most of my life, I didn't feel like I was enough. I spent so many years trying to make people like me, to feel some sort of acceptance, when all I really wanted was to feel accepted and loved by you," I mumble, voice breaking. "Turns out, accepting and loving myself feels infinitely better than having your approval. It only took me twenty-seven years to get here, and I'm still not fully there. But it feels good to start recognizing why I am the way I am." I reach for a tissue, dabbing my eyes. "I'll never know who I could've been if you had stuck around. I used to feel robbed of that identity, but I've since stopped feeling sorry for myself. We all get dealt different hands, and this is mine.

I thought long and hard about what I need from you, but I think the answer right now is nothing. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I've figured out a way to get everything I need without you for the time being. Down the road, when I don't feel so raw, maybe we can have some sort of relationship, but it has to be on my terms. For now I'll keep working on myself, and hope to see you on the same path, too."

Emily stays quiet until I'm done. I fold the letter, staring down at my lap.

"I know that wasn't easy. How are you feeling?"

"Why am I crying? I'm not sad," I say, blowing my nose. "I just feel relieved. Like, it's all out there now. Even if she doesn't know everything I just said, acknowledging it to myself feels good."

Emily hands me another tissue, and we talk a little about expectations. I mention that I should probably have a real conversation with Charlie soon, and she merely nods, letting me decide whether or not it's best for me. I like that she doesn't push, but gently guides me along.

"Okay, well. I think that's our time for today. I'll see you next week, after your trip."

"Sounds good."

"I'm really proud of you," she says, a supportive smile on her face.

"Thanks. I am, too."

XXX

When I get home from therapy, I spend the remainder of the evening packing and making sure everything is squared away before my flight tomorrow. When eight o'clock comes and goes, and Edward doesn't call for a second night, I'm really bummed. I haven't heard from him all day, but I also haven't tried to reach out, either.

When I actually mull it over and replay how we last ended things on the phone, I don't actually think he's purposely avoiding me because he's mad or doesn't want to be with me. It's clear we're both hurting right now with the sudden change in plans, so I try not to dwell on it too much. If I still haven't heard from him by tomorrow night, I'll call him and check in.

I'm about to go to bed when I spot the envelope from him on top of my dresser. I hesitate. I've had this mindset of only reading his letter when I'm ready, but that feels so elusive. With all the progress I've made recently, and Edward being part of my life again, I think I deserve to see what he had to say months ago. At this moment, I feel confident I can handle whatever's in there.

I grab the envelope and crawl into bed. With a deep breath, I open his letter.

Bella,

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I've walked to your door multiple times, but keep having to stop myself. Hearing you cry is fucking killing me. But you asked me not to put you through another goodbye, and all I have is my word. So I'm writing you this letter.

I hate myself for leaving. More than that, I hate that you think this is me leaving you. I would never do that, not like Renee did. I hope one day you can realize that not everyone in your life will hurt you the way she has. If I had it my way, you know things wouldn't be like this between us. But I take full responsibility for creating this mess, too. I realize I said I didn't doubt us, but I did. I wasn't sure you could handle hearing the truth, so I kept it from you. And I'm sorry. I will always regret that. You deserve an honest man, and I swear I can be that for you if you let me. I can't change what happened, but I hope that one day we can move forward together.

I don't know when you'll finally read this, but I hope it's when you're in a good place to see yourself clearly and to understand that I love you so much. I always have, Bella. I don't see that stopping anytime soon. You're it for me. This thing between us isn't fleeting—it's real. Which is why it's so important for you to take this time to work on yourself. I'll work on myself, too. You only deserve the very best, and I want to give that to you.

So now this is the part where I leave you my Alaska Airlines login information and my new address. When you're ready, I want to see you. Use my miles, book a ticket, and come find me. I'll be waiting.

I love you.

Edward