Hi, everyone! hope everyone had a good week! thanks as always to my bata reader Violingirl05 for constantly catching the misuse of my commas and everything else! Thanks to all my readers, I hope that you enjoy this next chapter and I am very excited to have broken 700 followers! thank you!
Chapter 23
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Elizabeth sat across from Mr. Bennet in his study, pretending to read and stealing glances at him. Mr Bennet was smoking his pipe and reading. He was completely absorbed and not in a very good mood as he had been harrassed all day by wedding plans, requests for more funds and household difficulties. Also, it was one of the few times of year he was actually required to stay attentive to the estate because of the many problems planting season always presented. She felt she needed to share her information about Lt. Wickham in order to avoid the mistakes she had made before but lacked the confidence. She wasn't even sure if there was a problem to alert him to.
Also, how would she avoid the truth of her argument with Mr. Darcy? It was one thing to make hints to people who were unable to ask her follow up questions, but her father would ask about her source.
Mr. Darcy… is he truly gone? How is it possible that I may never see him again? It can't be, it truly can't be! ! We were- just last week, kissing! and I saw my whole future through the idea of marrying him. I miss him so much already, how can I survive never seeing him again?
"What is it, Lizzy?"
Elizabeth jerked back to the present and realized that in her musing she had started staring at her father and he was now glaring back.
"I apologize, I was lost in my thoughts."
"Perhaps, but you've been sneaking looks at me since you came in here, you obviously have a request to make of me, please make it so I can finally relax."
Elizabeth hesitated only a few seconds longer and then rushed out, "I have reason to suspect that Lt. Wickham has unscrupulously created debt with the merchants in Meryton and may not intend to pay it back."
Her father raised an eyebrow and said somewhat sarcastically. "Did your beau tell you this?"
"Yes," Elizabeth confirmed without argument. She knew how her father had meant it but even if she did explain better, it was true, her information came from Mr. Darcy alone. So it was better to behave confidently in the face of sarcasm than to try and explain.
Her serious, calm tone caused Mr. Bennet to consider for a moment. "Well, I wish he had come to me if he was concerned about this. It's not appropriate for you to be involved in the financial situation of gentlemen, especially ones you have no personal connection to."
Elizabeth had no answer for this so only nodded.
"Still, if what Kitty said at dinner was true - and I do have confidence in the reliability of her social knowledge - Lt. Wickham left Meryton two days ago. I have not received any such report of him and if he had left unpaid debts then his debtors would be seeking restitution, would they not?"
"I would think so. I would have thought that they would be concerned when he didn't pay before he left. However… I personally know how good a liar he is, as well as being very well liked in Meryton. Perhaps the merchants said nothing because he did not leave a debt of any large amount and because he is trusted?"
"If he did not leave any large debts then I am not sure why I should be concerned. Perhaps this would be a good lesson on the foolishness of accepting the promises of people who do not live in the community."
"Possibly," Elizabeth agreed, biting her lip, "however, even if he caused little lasting damage, it should not be forgiven. It should be reported to his commanding officer so that he cannot do the same thing in Brighton. Also, if it is true, I would not wish to continue to hear his praises sung by the community."
"You just want revenge on him for the stories he told about your suitor!" Her father laughed.
"That is not my motivation," Elizabeth defended. "If he is a scoundrel, he ought be exposed!"
"It's a rather late but if, as you say, you wish to prevent him from doing any wrong in Brighton, then how do you wish to proceed? Surely you don't hope that I will individually check on all the merchants in Meryton?"
Elizabeth smirked. "No indeed, I expect them to come to you."
"Why would they ask me to intervene? I am not his commanding officer."
"No, not for intervention, I just expect the information to come to us without much effort."
Her father squinted at her suspiciously, "People are going to be spreading the tale of their own financial troubles and bad choices?"
"It wouldn't perhaps naturally become a topic of conversation but with a little bit of a push and a dramatic villain…?"
Her father let out a bark of laughter and shook his head. "Using your natural skills in gossip for a righteous cause, are you? Well, if you wish to amuse yourself with this while your doting suitor is away then I will not stop you. Be careful though not to get caught up personally in this, I do not want to see your name getting tied with that silly officer's, no matter how this turns out."
"I'm being careful, and have no direct interaction with any of this. It's mostly Charlotte."
"Charlotte is involved in this little scrape of yours, is she? Well, that's good, she's a sensible girl."
"Yes, and I am disappointed in myself that I did not value that more," Elizabeth said but didn't want to explain how Charlotte's instincts had been right and hers had been wrong.
Again, Mr. Bennet raised his eyebrow but did not push for an explanation. Instead he waved her off, saying, "You can let me know if this comes to anything. If any true harm was done I may be able to buy a debt or two, let me know if it is needed."
Elizabeth was overall happy with how the conversation had gone, so she left her father to his peace and his book. She rejoined her mother and sisters and helped with the sewing until it was bedtime. She tried to go to sleep, but as soon as the candles were put out and her head was on the pillow, she could no longer distract herself from thoughts about Mr. Darcy. Over and over, she tried to focus her mind on sleep and over and over she failed. She tried not to disturb Jane but found herself tossing and turning unconsciously.
Finally, she got up and quietly left the room. I will just go read for a few minutes and get my thoughts on something else. She thought and then with a mischievous smile she decided to see if the kitchen had any treats to nibble on while she did some late night reading.
Plunder found, Elizabeth curled herself into one of her father's big chairs in his study. A favorite book and some lemon tarts, what could be better? Humming a cheerful song to herself, she opened her book and took a bite of her treat. As soon as the taste filled her mouth, she remembered the time in Netherfield when Mr. Darcy had brought her a lemon tart with her tea… right after pulling her into a room and kissing her breathless.
Elizabeth's heartbeat quickened at the memory and she wanted to slap herself. No! Don't remember that! Don't think of his kisses or the way he always watched you and cared for you! Don't!
But even before her self-rebuke was finished the tears had come again. She was sobbing before even noticing the grief overwhelming her. Frustrated with herself and missing him so much she ached, Elizabeth cried and ate her lemon tart. Then, still crying, she went back to the kitchen and helped herself to three more. While helping herself to the treats she noticed a bottle of wine, and without a second thought she poured herself a glass.
She paid no attention to the passage of time and paced the back rooms of Longborn, crying, thinking and sipping her wine. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning she fell into an exhausted, tipsy sleep.
The next morning Elizabeth woke later than usual, groggy and grumpy. She knew it was her own fault for her loss of control the night before and so tried her best to wash well, drink her tea and eat some breakfast before interacting with her unsuspecting family. Even so, it was not until after breakfast and a brisk walk around the gardens that Elizabeth started to feel like herself again. This recovery was lucky for as soon as she returned to the house, they received a call from Georgiana, Charles, and Caroline Bingley. Elizabeth desperately wished she could find an excuse to escape but instead steeled her courage and greeted them cheerfully.
Georgiana immediately came and hugged her. "I missed you at practice yesterday. Of course, I do understand how important it is to take part in these community meetings. It's just that I did not get to see you much last week either."
This was said in a hesitantly affectionate tone, as if she was almost worried that Elizabeth would laugh at her. Elizabeth couldn't help but wonder what emotional wounds were still left from Lt. Wickham's roguish behavior. It was a concerning thought but Elizabeth smiled and hugged the girl back. "I missed you too! I will come tomorrow to practice. Unfortunately I am busy this morning as well. My friend and I are taking some food to a struggling family as soon as she gets here. Which is why I am extra glad to see you now!"
She served Georgiana a cup of tea and joined her and Mary's conversation about music, but allowed the two younger women to lead the conversation. This was natural as they had spent all of last week practicing together. As they talked, Elizabeth wondered what Georgiana's presence meant. She would have thought that Mr. Darcy would have called his sister home by now. Also, why had he not told his sister anything of their argument? Perhaps he did not want to interrupt his sister's visit with his friends? Or simply did not want to create the gossip that the complete withdrawal of Darcys from Hertfordshire would cause. But if that was the case, he had to know that they would have to officially end the courtship at some point. Perhaps, like herself, Mr. Darcy was waiting for after the wedding to announce their sad news.
After a few minutes Mrs. Hill came in with fresh scones and Elizabeth got up to help serve them. Then she joined the conversation with Jane, Charles, her mother and Caroline. They were finishing up the plans for the engagement party on Monday as well as the wedding itself. The wedding date had been set for next Wednesday and now that the banns certificate from Bingleys' home parish had been received, nothing stood in the way of the wedding.
Currently Caroline was leading the conversation, enthusiastically persuading Mrs. Bennet on the necessity of a white cake at the wedding breakfast, despite Mrs. Bennet being in complete agreement on that fact from the beginning. Caroline may not have been the most fervent supporter of the marriage but she loved the wedding. Caroline was excellent at event arrangements and while it had taken her some time to come to terms with the loss of her brother as a way to move up in society, she was now an active partner in planning the events leading up to that unfortunate marriage.
Jane and Charles took turns agreeing with whatever was said and then exchanging loving glances. Elizabeth wasn't sure if it warmed her heart or hurt it more to watch but tried to concentrate on her happiness for Jane's sake.
"Eliza, will your bridesmaid dress match or contrast with Mr. Darcy's apparel for the wedding ceremony?"
Caroline's question surprised Elizabeth so much she just answered, "No." Everyone in the group looked at her with some surprise and Elizabeth frantically gathered her wits and continued, "No, I confess I am not sure which is more fashionable. I had thought I would ask you, what are your thoughts on the matter?"
"It's rather late to start thinking about it! In such a small village can you even get a dress done in less than a week?"
"I could, yes, however Mrs. Deighton is quite busy with Jane's trousseau so I have asked my aunt in London to arrange for a dress to be made for me at the dress shop that I visited last month. They have my measurements, I have chosen the fashion plate they will use, and so I only have the colors left to choose."
"Well, I'm glad you have made those arrangements, but you really should send your color choices today, perhaps with the afternoon post? Because Mr. Darcy has chosen sangria for his breeches and also an accent for his waist coat. I believe that you should choose mauve for your dress. It does not actually match but is a more delicate, feminine version of the color. Yes, I think that would suit well."
"Yes, indeed! I'm so glad that Darcy finally got back to me, what charming pair you will be." Charles added as it was apparently his turn to input encouragement.
"Thank you for your advice, I believe that i will take you up on it. If you will excuse me, I will go write that note right away." Elizabeth agreed distractedly and turned to go to the writing desk.
As she sat and prepared her writing instruments she could feel Caroline's eyes on her. The last few times that she had interacted with Caroline, the exchanges had been more cordial than usual; as if Caroline was starting to accept Elizabeth's and Mr. Darcy's relationship and hadn't wanted to offend the future Mrs. Darcy. Indeed, some of her comments almost had the obsequious tone that she usually used with Mr. Darcy. However, she was neither as distracted as Mr. Bingley, so unconnected as the Bennet family nor as naive as Georgiana and so must be wondering at Mr. Darcy's sudden abandonment. Elizabeth thought she had hidden the fact she hadn't known Mr. Darcy's color choice well, but perhaps Caroline had seen through her conversational dodge.
In any case, the simple fact that Caroline knew Mr. Darcy's clothing choice was confusing Elizabeth to the degree that she was struggling to write the simple note. He had not chosen the color as of last week. Did that mean that he was exchanging letters with the Bingleys? Caroline would not have written him directly but she may have included a question in one of Charles' letters. Does this mean that he is still intending to be the best man at the wedding?
Elizabeth felt her heart quicken with a mix of dread and hope. She wanted to see him again, desperately, but what if he used the opportunity to officially end the relationship between them? While she had all but accepted the fact he would end it, she still felt she would rather run a hundred miles than hear him say the words.
Elizabeth was able to finish the letter despite her distraction and left the room to add it to the afternoon post. Before she could return the sitting room, Charlotte arrived. Elizabeth quickly bid her other guests goodbye, fetched her food basket from the kitchen and followed Charlotte back out of Longbourn.
In easy companionship, the two women walked to the Smith's home and then the Enfields, delivering a basket to each. There was nothing particularly wrong with either family but a normal seasonal illness and the common shortage of resources in the spring. Still, it was also nothing but normal kindness to check on them and help a little. As they walked back a couple of hours later, Charlotte told Elizabeth that Meryton's clergymen and his wife, Mr. and Mrs. Kensley, had been very welcoming to both herself and Mr. Collins. They had said they would be happy to accept any help the Collins could provide as the Kensleys were both getting on in years.
"I am not sure for how long we will be in 'hiding' here in Meryton. We will probably leave at a moment's notice when Lady Catherine calms enough to write and summon us back. However, while we are here we ought to do what we can to help the community. It is not good to have too much time on one's hands."
"Do you take yourself or your husband into consideration in this?" Elizabeth teased.
"Both," Charlotte returned with a grin.
"I would help you more than this but my mother has requested that I spend the afternoons at home to be at Jane's disposal for the wedding."
"Of course, and in any case, you are not needed. As much as I appreciate your company, there is not really enough for both the Kensleys and Mr. Collins and I to do. However, while I help I will be keeping an eye out for any problems left by the officers; Lt. Wickham or any others. Hopefully, I will discover none, but if there are any problems that I cannot resolve I will come to you."
Elizabeth agreed and for two days did her normal tasks - even practicing with Georgiana - helped Jane get ready for the wedding, and tried not to think about Mr. Darcy. A determination that failed miserably.
During this time she was able to finally straighten her thoughts and come to a few decisions. As no further comments had come she was going to assume that Mr. Darcy still intended to be at the wedding. In which case, she would be able to see him again at least one more time. Such an opportunity she would not waste. She was determined that she would be proactive in mending their relationship. She was completely sure she did want to fix it. If nothing else, the time apart had let her know how much she loved him. How much she would miss him if he was gone. So she would risk her pride, ask his forgiveness and for another chance for their relationship.
That new chance, however, would have to be with a better understanding of each other and why they had fought. She would apologize without reservation if not for one concern; if she accepted all of the blame and gave over to him in all ways, it would be a lie. Elizabeth steadfastly believed that she should not repair their relationship at the cost of a lie. That would be a terrible precedent and if the only way she could save their love was with a lie then it was never meant to be saved.
And what is the truth? If i were to boil it down, the conflict was caused because I had not trusted Mr. Darcy and because I had a prideful attitude. He was completely right on the latter part. I can see now just how prideful and vain all my opinions were and I cannot look back on them without regret. For this fault I will beg for forgiveness from him and God. But for the former point...?
It was on this point that Elizabeth struggled the most. She felt guilty for not trusting him, but did not think she should. Love was not the same as trust in her mind. Respect and trust? These two ideas rarely accompanied love in Elizabeth's experience and she could not see that Mr. Darcy had ever earned it. She had asked for clarification several times and he had always refused. He seemed to have believed that she should trust him simply because he was courting her.
Is that what the future of their relationship would be? He, as a husband with unconditional authority and no need for explanation? Elizabeth loved him but knew herself well enough to fear a future like that for she believed that resentment would grow quickly in those conditions.
So in the end she decided she would give a complete, unconditional apology for her attitude in the past but gently refuse responsibility for the misunderstanding itself. The misunderstanding had been caused by Lt. Wickham's lies and Mr. Darcy's pride, and while she could not take responsibility for either but she could for her own vanity.
She worried that it would not be enough but hoped her sincerity and desire for reconciliation would be enough for him to consider giving her another chance. With this resolution in mind, she tried to simply keep herself busy to distract herself from the worry and feeling of missing him, as the feeling of missing him was just as confusing as any other part of their relationship.
Elizabeth had certainly missed people before but it had never been like this. It was as if her skin itself longed to be near him, to be touched by him. When she awoke it was with the instant feeling of loss. Though they had not touched very much before, it had been enough that she had started to desire a progression of that part of their relationship and now the loss of it made her feel as if she was hungry without the ability to feed herself.
And so it was with guilty relief that she threw herself into helping both Jane and Charlotte. She spent her mornings practicing with Georgiana, visiting the needy with Charlotte, and then helping Jane in the afternoons. Despite her efforts to help Charlotte's gentle investigation, Elizabeth was starting to think that their worries about Lt. Wickham would come to naught. Even by Thursday evening, they had heard very little. The Meryton pub had had some issues with unpaid debts from the soldiers, and while Lt. Wickham's name had been mentioned among the names, it was without any special distinction. One of the merchants' daughters had attempted to run away in the middle of the night to join her 'true love' in Brighton, but the family had caught her in time and was hushing it up so no one was sure who that 'love' had been.
However, the hope of a reformed Lt. Wickham died a sudden death Friday morning. That the news was broken by Mrs. Philips should be no surprise to anyone.
"Sister!" wailed Mrs. Philips in a dramatic tone the moment she entered the house. "Sister! I am afraid I carry with me the most shocking news. Prepare yourself, dear Fanny, for it is terrible indeed!"
This announcement created quite a tizzy - as it was meant to - and Elizabeth paused in her preparation to go out with Charlotte. Soon her aunt and mother were ensconced on the sofa, holding hands as if to comfort each other.
"I was hosting a dinner party last night with several esteemed members of our merchant families when the topic of the soldiers leaving came up. Now sister, there were none there that would like to say an unkind thing! However, it slowly became revealed that there had been some who were grateful for the loss in society as there had been some… less than excellent behavior. One name in particular was mentioned to dramatic effect! It was from Mr. Cromwell, the tailor, he first said that he had 'heard' someone mention a debt left by this particular officer, casually, it was so sly of him! But as soon as the name was mentioned, one person after another told some story or another of debts, gambling and seduction! Oh sister, my dearest Fanny, you cannot imagine my shock!"
"Sister, do not tease me so! You must have some compassion for my nerves! Who was it?"
"Well, then brace yourself. It was none other than Lt. Wickham!"
"No!" Mrs. Bennet exclaimed, clutching at her chest. At the sound of their favorite's name the younger Bennet women who had been blatantly listening all exclaimed as well. Elizabeth held her peace.
"Surely there must have been some misunderstanding or exaggeration," Jane put in.
"I fear not, darling girl," their aunt intoned with great sadness. "For as soon as the ice was broken on the subject it seemed he owed everyone at least some small debt. Even I, dear girl, even have some small debt to call on him. I would have simply forgiven it if this had not been revealed. You know I do not like to make a fuss of money won or lost at a friendly game. It was only four shillings, after all, and he said he would send the money as soon as he got stabilized in Brighton. But now-"
"He owes me two shillings as well!" interrupted Kitty, seemingly pleased to be included in the gossip.
Their aunt nodded dramatically. "That is exactly how the conversation went last night. No one was going to create a fuss over their issue, believing they could work it out over post with Lt. Wickham, but as soon as it was starting to be spoken of, everyone had a story! Sometimes trival, sometimes large and worst of all, it was revealed that little Rachel Colby, who tried to run away three nights ago, remember? Was trying to run to him! And the stories of seduction did not end there!"
Elizabeth felt a little sick at the perverse pleasure her aunt seemed to be taking in the story. But she continued listening for any story that was specific enough to warrant follow up or help. However she soon found that her aunt spoke in dramatic vagaries that tintilated the imagination but held little information. So it was that when Charlotte arrived, Elizabeth felt confident leaving, knowing that if her aunt had any more details she would have shared them from the beginning.
As soon as she exited Longbourn with Charlotte, Elizabeth reported what her aunt had said. Charlotte only nodded.
"Mrs. Kensley came to me early this morning, apparently several of the merchants had come straight from that dinner to their house to ask for advice. I believe several of them will also soon be going to your father in hopes that he can help them recover the debt. There is one report in particular that I am very concerned about."
"What is it?"
"Mrs. Kensley was told by Mrs. Gerrick that their helper girl in the tobacco shop had a fling with Lt. Wickham and that she is now pregnant by him. Mrs. Gerrick said she has no intention of keeping an unwed, 'foolish' young woman in her employ. But according to Mrs. Kensley, the girl has no family that can take her in."
"What ought we do to help?"
"I have the girl's name and where she is living. Mrs. Kensley asked me to find out more so that is what we must do first. Come, let us drop off these baskets and then we will go interview her."
