Struggling


"Morning." Cassie said, watching her mother walk into the kitchen.

"Morning." AJ replied calmly, walking over to the coffee pot.

"Oh, I… I made you coffee." Cassie explained as AJ turned around, "And some breakfast." She said, sliding the pancakes over as AJ walked towards the table, noticing the smiley face on the pancakes with some whipped cream and blueberries. For a second, she just couldn't put her mom hat on. She couldn't be the understanding one who kept everyone happy and content. She wanted to be upset. She wanted to let herself be upset for once.

"I'm not in the mood for pancakes." AJ said briefly, turning back around as Cassie frowned.

"But did you see what it says?" Cassie asked her as AJ turned back around, "Here." Cassie pointed to the blueberries at the top of the plate which had spelt out 'I'm sorry' above the pancakes.

"Yes, I can read." AJ nodded to her, turning back around as Cassie huffed.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said." Cassie said.

"Where's your father?" AJ asked, pouring herself her own coffee even though Cassie had already done so. She wanted to be the awkward one for once. Her feelings were valid and she was tired of being a punching bag for her daughters.

"He's in the living room watching TV with the kids." Cassie said, "Sofia made you this pancake, you know. She'll be upset if you don't eat it." She said, "I made the faces for them." She smiled.

"Oh." AJ nodded, grabbing a knife from the cutlery drawer, walking over and lifting up the pancake, scraping all the whipped cream and blueberries off it as Cassie watched in shock, "There." AJ smiled to herself, putting the plain pancake on another plate.

"Mom." Cassie scoffed, "That's a little childish-"

"It is, isn't it?" AJ nodded, "Annoying, right?"

"Yeah, it is. Just let me apologise. I am sorry, you know." Cassie said, "I was just upset." She said as AJ looked across at her, "And I know what I said about Thea was wrong, trying to expose her like that. I'm still… mad with her but she never deserved that." She said, "And you didn't either. I am sorry." She made clear as AJ looked across at her.

AJ just nodded, not saying another word as she took her plate and coffee and left the kitchen. Cassie groaned, leaning her head on the table, not really feeling like her apology had been accepted.

AJ came into the living room where Sofia and James were fixed on watching a morning kids programme with Punk, who also seemed interested in the program funny enough.

"Hey." AJ said, sitting down beside Punk, "You enjoying this?" She laughed a little.

"Yeah, actually. They're trying to find the treasure but I know pirate Pete has it on the other island." Punk nodded as AJ chuckled, "You get your pancakes?" He turned to her, noticing there was no blueberries or whipped cream on it anymore, "Naked pancakes?"

"Yeah I wanted them plain." AJ shrugged, "Sofia, good job with the pancakes, baby." She looked across at Sofia who was too invested in the TV program to even realise someone was talking to her.

"You talk to Cassie?" Punk asked her.

"Yes." AJ nodded as Punk looked at her.

"And?" He waited.

"And what?" AJ shook her head.

"Well she feels bad for upsetting you." Punk said, "She wanted to apologise."

"Well she should feel bad. I'm sick of them thinking they can talk to me like however they want, and I'll not take any offence to it." She shook her head.

"I know. I know and I spoke to her about that." Punk said, "But she's hurting too. She really liked Theo." He said, "I really don't think she was lashing out to hurt you. Or Thea. I think she just wants to blame someone."

"I know that. And I hate what she's having to go through. I don't… I don't even know what it's like to lose someone you care about… in terms of death." She said, "But I can only imagine." She nodded, "I still don't wanna be treated like an idiot." She shook her head. As a mother, there were many times where she felt like she'd had enough. Especially as the girls had grown into adults.

"I know." Punk nodded, "If it helps she said some mean things to me too."

"I hate when they're mean." AJ looked at him as he smiled and nodded, "It's like… I pushed you out of my body you little shit, stop bullying me." She scoffed as he chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah I feel like it's unfair for you more than it is me. You've always been the… soul provider for them. I have no shame in admitting that." He said, "So it does rub me the wrong way when they treat you like shit."

"We should just run away from them." AJ nodded to him jokingly but with a serious face, causing him to chuckle.

"But where would we go?" He wondered sweetly, wrapping his arm around her as she curled into him.

"Somewhere sunny." AJ nodded, "Close to the beach." She thought to herself, "Somewhere quiet."

"Come on, you love the busy city life." Punk said.

"Yeah when I was younger." AJ said, "Now I just wanna hear my own thoughts." She shook her head.

"You'll start hearing them again." Punk nodded, rubbing her arm softly.

"You heard from Thea?" AJ asked.

"No. She said they were just gonna have a couple days in the house to themselves. I think all three of them just need space on their own. They've never been girls to get through things together. They do their own thing, think their own thoughts, and then they work it out." He said as AJ nodded, "I'm gonna go to Theo's funeral with her on Friday. I don't want her to go alone."

"Yeah, I don't want that either." AJ sighed, "I know she's really hurting." She nodded.

"Do you think they…" Punk nodded his head back and forth, "You know…" He shrugged as AJ looked up at him.

"Had sex?" AJ asked simply.

"Yeah." Punk said.

"I don't know." AJ said, "I mean… she said they were just friends so, I'm not really sure what the deal was." She said.

"She really liked him. I can tell." Punk sighed. "It's the first boy I've ever heard her even talk about."

"Yeah, I know." AJ sighed to herself.

"I think we should do something fun today, with the kids." Punk nodded, "Take them to the docks to feed the ducks or… go to park or something." He said.

"Yeah, that sounds nice." AJ smiled, leaning into him, "Hey, guys. What do you wanna do today?" She asked them, "Do you wanna go feed the ducks? Or go to the park?"

"I would like to… umm…" Sofia got off the couch, wondering over to her grandparents, "I would like to… feed the ducks!" She decided, "And the fishes."

"Feed the ducks and the fishes it is." Punk repeated, "But… we gotta fix that bed hair of yours first."

"I like my bed hair." Sofia frowned.

"It's not a good look, babe." Punk shook his head as Sofia ran away over to the other couch, sitting up with her brother.

"I'm gonna go talk to Cassie." AJ nodded, "See if she wants to go feed the ducks with us." She nodded, getting up from the couch and heading off into the kitchen with her empty plate.

Cassie was sitting at the table finishing her coffee and reading the paper, figuring it was going to take more than some pancakes to apologise to her mother.

"So… did Sofia do a good job?" Cassie asked her.

"She did. Those were good." AJ nodded, sitting her empty plate and mug over by the sink, "We're gonna take the kids to the docks. Feed the ducks and fish. Maybe get some lunch whilst we're out." She said, "Would you like to come with us?"

"Is that a pity invite?" Cassie folded her arms.

"No." AJ said, "It's a… I know you're sorry and hurting right now, so I forgive you and we're gonna be fine… invite." She nodded as Cassie smiled a little, hugging her knees to her chest.

"I am sorry." Cassie nodded, "Me feeling hurt and sad isn't an excuse to take it out on you. Or even Thea." She said, "I just… I've never felt like this before." She shook her head, "I'm so mad that he's gone. And then I'm upset about it. Thinking about things I should have said to him." She said as AJ nodded.

"Yeah, regret is a powerful feeling." AJ nodded, "But… you just gotta remember the good things you had with him. And the good memories." She said, "Think about those." She said as Cassie nodded.

"Yeah, I'm trying." Cassie nodded, "Do you really forgive me or are you just being the good mom you are?"

"No, I forgive you." AJ said, "It's been a shitty week. We're all feeling the effects of it." She said, "But it'll get better." She nodded.

"I hope so." Cassie nodded.

"So… are you coming with us to feed the ducks?" AJ asked.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun." Cassie smiled as AJ walked over to her, leaning down and hugging her from the side, kissing her head.

"I love you." AJ said.

"Love you too." Cassie hugged into her.


"Hey, Jude!" Sean called, walking into their house with some breakfast, making his way through to the kitchen where Jude was sitting.

"That smells really good." Jude smiled.

"Yeah I almost ate mine on the way home." Sean chuckled, leaning over and kissing her, "You ok?" He asked her.

"You don't have to keep asking me that." Jude smiled a little.

"Well I want to know." Sean said, sitting down at the table with her.

"I'm fine." Jude assured him, "I uh… I might take a nap after this, though. I didn't sleep very well. Between the baby kicking and… my head just spinning." She shook her head.

"No one expects you to just bounce back and act like nothing even happened." Sean said, "It was a terrible thing." He shook his head.

"It wasn't so much the gun to the head that bothered me." Jude said, "Which… hearing that out loud sounds ridiculous, I know." She said, unwrapping her breakfast burrito, "It was… what he said to me." She nodded, "I mean… here I am, I don't even know who this person is. It… It felt easier to feel the gun against my head than to hear him say what he said." She nodded, "And I can't stop hearing it." She shook her head as Sean nodded.

"Talk to me about it." Sean said, "Whatever you think, you can't possibly take what he said and believe it. It's just… it's ridiculous." He shook his head.

"I just felt like I was reliving it when I heard him say those things." Jude said, "Like I was back in that room, getting pictures taken of my body and… swabs, blood, just lying there feeling like a… used version of myself." She shook her head.

"Jude, you… you've worked so hard, you still work so hard to maintain that… part of your life, what happened to you. I see it. I see it every day. And still, I couldn't ever imagine what it's like to live with that memory." He said, "But I know you and I know you're so much more than that. It's not who you are."

"I know that." Jude nodded, "It's just hearing things like… you secretly enjoyed it." She said, "That bothers me. It really bothers me." He said, "Because even though that guy didn't know me and… his words don't mean anything… they still get put out there, and that makes it ok for other people to think that and say things like that." She said, "I don't want my daughter growing up in a world where… people can get away with talking like that." She shook her head.

"Lucky she's got a badass mom to make sure she knows how to deal with people like that." Sean nodded.

"I don't know about badass." Jude said, "I care. I care what people think. I mean… to this day I still question everything about it. What if I did say yes? What if… what if at the time I was aware and-"

"This is now why I'm here." Sean said, "Because I see you go through phases like this where you do doubt everything, and question everything, but that's normal. It's normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted to try and take blame. Because it means you don't have to think about who the blame is really on." He said, "Nothing you could have said or did that night would have made what he done ok." He nodded, "And you know that. You speak to specialists and therapists." He said as Jude nodded.

"Yeah, it's just… hearing that stuff just brings it all back to the surface again." She said, "It's like everything I've worked so hard at to get over just gets completely erased." She shook her head, "And then I… I get tired at the thought of having to work past it again."

"What do you do? What do you always do when this happens?" Sean asked as she looked across at him.

"Set myself little goals." Jude nodded.

"So you do just that." Sean said, "There's no… tomorrow I will forget about all of this and I will be happy and love life again… none of that bullshit." He scoffed as she smiled, "It's a gradual process, right?" He said as she nodded with a smile.

She felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have a supportive boyfriend who not only had helped her through that awful time in her life, but knew and was aware that the fight to keep working on it was still there.

"I just feel really anxious and… then I feel sleepy and sad." She said, "I don't know if it's a combination of being pregnant and what just happened."

"I'd say so." Sean nodded, "We gotta take care of you. You gotta take care of you." He nodded, "Because to me, that's the most important thing in the whole world." He nodded as she smiled.

"You're sweet." Jude nodded.

"You're sweeter." He replied as she smiled, "You know, I might join you with that nap after this." He said as Jude smiled. In her lowest moments, she still felt loved.