A/N: Ahhh! The response the last chapter was spectacular! So surprised that there are only a few of you are not back on the Emison train just yet. Completely understandable, by the way. Alison didn't call her an asshole for no reason. Now, I always write the next chapter before looking at reviews so I can make sure that I'm writing the story I still want to, and not one that's being affected by purely reviews. So, I want to send some major love to the Guest reviewer who was like, "Where tf is Olivia?" because we were on the same wave length there! She plays a big role this chapter!
"Did you want something specific from the fridge?"
"Is there sparkling water in there still by chance? I can't remember if I grabbed the last one this morning or not."
"There's one left! Over ice?"
"Yeah…" Alison's voice trailed as the first instance of their relationship falling back into place happened instantaneously. As Emily rounded the corner with both of their drinks, Alison continued speaking, "I hope you know that when I suggested us going on a date out there, I didn't exactly mean right now."
"I wanted you to just know for sure that I'm here. By the way, I got a text from Mom while getting everything from the kitchen, and she's bringing Liv over in 30 minutes or so. Is that still alright?"
"Of course it is! I have her until Tuesday, right?"
Emily nodded, "After talking tonight though, I'm hoping that maybe I can sneak some visits in while she's over here too? And I don't want anything to be too much too soon, but I'm positive that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. If you'll let me."
Alison clutched her drink close to her chest as she glanced at her wife, "All of this will take an adjustment, for sure. Give me a heads up and the ability to say 'No.' and I don't see why it would ever be an issue."
"I understand. I'm so sorry for not giving you all that you needed when you got home in December. You didn't deserve it, and it's not going to happen again. You need to see me do that, Ali. I can't just say it and expect things to go back to how they were." Alison blinked multiple times, closing her eyes tightly before reopening them, which caused Emily to laugh, "Are you trying to see if this is real?"
"No offense toward you, but this is the Emily I was hoping to find when I got home."
"And like I said, I lost my way. In all the time I spent without you, I forgot your necessity in my life. Trust me, I'll spend however long I need making it up to you."
"Emmy –"
Emily groaned, "You only call me that when you're concerned for my well-being…"
"Is that a bad thing?" Alison turned her body to face Emily's, "If we're going to do this, really give us a shot again, then you don't need to make anything up to me. This isn't about us being even; this is about us finding each other again."
Emily leaned her head against the back of the couch to stare at her wife, smirking, "Okay, I can do that."
"We have about 50 days, Em. That's when both of our signatures are due. If we can't make this work in 50 days, we have to go to court or possibly start our proceedings over again."
"Then, I'm happy we're starting tonight." Emily extended her hand out, "Hold my hand, please?"
"You know we have to talk about it. So, I need you to be honest with me. How are you? Actually. Because last time we checked in, you said you felt heavy, and it weighed on me for days."
"I'm okay. The break up was my doing from beginning to end. So yes, it sucks because it's a loss. But I knew from the moment those divorce papers hit my hands that I needed to be sure of every move I made from there on out."
Alison chuckled, "Well, that was the point of them, so I'm happy that they had some impact."
"It made it real. That's not to say that everything else wasn't. But it's been weird. I feel like I'm finally coming out of a cloud."
"You mean the depression you were talking about?"
"Maybe…" Emily trailed off, closing her eyes, "Do you mind if I just talk through what I'm thinking? Maybe you'll get it or be able to figure parts of it out for me."
"I'm here."
"Thank you." She paused, gathering her thoughts, "I haven't really talked about this with anyone so far, except for maybe Hanna. But she didn't want to seem partial or anything and gave me kind of half-answers. And I know you won't do that." Emily squeezed Alison's hand as she took in the moment in front of her. "You leaving; it was really hard on me. And I know you know that because you held me so tightly the night before we took you up there while I sobbed endlessly. So many parts of life were so stressful then because you weren't here. I was also trying to keep myself and Liv healthy, so we didn't lose her before she was born too. It was a lot. But the only way I knew how to cope was to mask it like how I did when Dad died. Swallow the pill and keep moving."
"It sounds like my parent's divorce. Like if you stop for too long, then maybe everything would actually catch up to you?"
"Yeah… and so when things started slowing down, my first instinct was to rip the mask off that I had been wearing. But with that, I realized that I hadn't addressed anything since 2015."
"So you ignored it. Me included."
Emily gulped, bringing the back of Ali's hand up to her lips for a lingering yet delicate kiss, "Unfortunately, yes. And things got better; I thought I was okay. It's been hitting me the past few weeks though that I essentially created a new mask for myself, I think. If that makes any sense and getting the divorce paperwork made me question if the new mask was even worth it. Did forgetting so much of my past make sense if I didn't even like the mask I was wearing?"
"Are you saying that you didn't like who you were or you didn't like forgetting?"
"Both, I guess. And us co-parenting made me always think about us and our marriage in general, but then, everything else." Emily opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Alison rubbed her thumb back and forth on the back of Emily's hand, "You're okay, Em. You're doing great; take all the time you need."
"It just made me think about Liam…" Emily tucked her head into her chest from the pain of simply saying his name aloud, "I have and had gone so long not honoring him in my life, not taking care of him and his memory exactly how I take care of Liv. And I realized, if I were to stay with Maya, that a part of him would always be missing in our relationship. Because I refused to acknowledge it. Because we didn't go through it together. I had gone so long living in that relationship without that part of myself that I didn't even know if like – fuck. If our relationship would even work with everything coexisting."
"You mean Maya and Liam's memory?" Alison's concern was apparent in her posture, facial expressions, and empathy in her voice. Her mind wracked at how little they had addressed Emily's pain in the wake of Alison's trial. In front of her were the remnants of a woman who never had time to heal because she was never given the space to.
"All of it, Al. I've never done it before, so I didn't know if it would ever be possible. So I started trying to reconcile with myself what it would look like if I chose to leave parts of myself behind that I just never introduced to Maya out of that fear."
"Babe – "
"No, I'm almost done… I starting reconciling and realized that if I wasn't going to feel every part of my past, day in and day out because I didn't know how to, then the love I have for that person and the love I feel from them in return would have to be more than with anyone I have before. That's the only way I'd be able to make it sanely. But that just wasn't the case, Al… it hasn't been the case since we kissed back in December."
"I know what you mean. That night meant a lot to me too. I'm sorry I wasn't there to work through this with you."
"It's just been over the past few weeks. It's fine, but that's what I mean by coming out of a cloud. I'm sure the depression is part of it, but the rest of me has been packaged and kept away too. There are parts of me that Maya never saw, and they're very confused as to why they're being let out now." Emily kept her lips together as she gave a one-sided smile to her wife. "But what about you, Al? How have you bee –"
The door rang behind them, causing Alison to pop up from the couch immediately, "Don't worry, Em. I'll grab it." She skipped to open the door, causing Emily to rest her head on her fist, blushing at how adorable Alison was just thinking about seeing Olivia. "Is that my Squirt?" she announced as the door flew open, sending a barrage of giggles through their daughter.
"So good to see you, Ali." Pam began speaking, while passing Olivia off to her daughter-in-law, "I texted Emily, and I assume she cleared this all through you that dropping her off was still okay."
"Yeah, Mom! I'm here."
"You're here?" Pam surprisingly asked, swinging her head around the door to make eye contact. "But your car is –"
"- parked down the block. I was in a rush."
"Okay… Is there anything I need to know about this?" she asked, pointing in between both girls.
"Ali, close the door." Emily announced, laughing as she turned away.
Pam smirked, looking up at Alison, "Is that a yes?"
"We'll let you know what you need to know as soon as we do. How is that?"
Pam nodded giddily, reaching up to hug Alison and placing a kiss on her cheek, "Bye Livvy! Have fun with your mommies, okay?"
"Bye, Pam. She'll be back to your house on Tuesday. Thanks again." Alison closed the door, turning toward her wife, "Emily! What the hell was that?"
"She'll interfere!" she replied, throwing up her hands.
"We need to teach your mommy better manners, don't we, Squirt?" Alison asked as Olivia grabbed the sides of her face to place a sloppy kiss on Alison's cheek.
"Peas!" Olivia announced as she let go and rest her head against Alison's shoulder.
"Exactly! You hear that, babe? You gotta say please once and a while."
"Yeah, yeah." Emily mumbled while standing up to see her daughter, "Hi, baby girl! How was Gamma's? Did you have fun?"
Emily tickled Olivia's neck as Alison kept her perched on her hip. Her laughter flooded through their first floor as Alison turned to look at her wife. For the first time, the three of them were actually together, as one party, in unison. She looked deeply into Emily's eyes as they exuded a light from them that had been missing in the months she had been home. And as she attempted to center herself in this moment, she began blinking rapidly to try and will the tears away.
"You alright?" Emily asked, looking down at Alison.
She nodded back, biting her lip, "I've just waited for this moment for a long, long time."
"Well, it's here, and it's here to stay." Emily assured, placing a small kiss on the top of Alison's forehead before scooping up Olivia from her hands.
Emily swung Olivia around wildly, up and down in the middle of their living room as Olivia's voice continued to echo, "Who knew that 4 hours away from you would make me miss you so much, Squirt? What do you say we help Mommy relax tonight? Does that sound good?"
Olivia put her little fist up to her mouth as she nodded, "Looks like a yes there, Al. And you know that arguing with Liv isn't smart to do. Are your nightclothes upstairs or down right now?"
"They're up." Alison replied hesitantly as Emily walked toward her.
"How about you run upstairs, grab the pj's you want to wear tonight, and Livvy and I will get you a bath drawn downstairs?"
"Emily, you don't have to –"
"I want to, Alison. There's a difference. Are you going to say no to these faces?" Emily turned to Olivia, showing off her pout, which led to their daughter giving her best imitation back in Alison's direction.
Alison walked up to her daughter, "I guess I can't say no that! But I'm only agreeing because of Olivia, Em. Not because of your input."
Brushing a piece of hair away from Alison's face, Emily replied, "I'll take what I can get. Go, let us get everything ready down here. Come on, babycakes!"
Alison looked over her shoulder as Emily and Olivia jogged off into the master bedroom. Disbelief flooded her mind as she climbed the stairs. Lucky. That was the only word for it. To have a healthy daughter, a relationship starting to be mended, and hope. Finally, some hope.
She exhaled into the mirror upstairs as she bundled her robe and pajamas into the crook of her right arm. The Emily in her home tonight was remarkably similar to the Emily she fell in love with over and over again years ago. She was honest and vulnerable and witty and patient and generous and effervescent, and continuously stunning, even through her tears. It was hard to take in so quickly. It was all happening so fast that she hadn't even had time to process what was going on.
Whispering to herself, she attempted to console her racing heart before going back downstairs, "This is what you wanted to come home to. You have 50 days to feel it out. Take your time. It's okay…"
"Mommy!" she heard Olivia squeal from downstairs. "Mommy!"
"Don't be alarmed! Your bath is ready; take your time!" Emily soon followed.
Alison walked downstairs towards the bathroom, delicately closing the door most of the way. Emily had pulled some candles from the bottom cabinet to light while the tub was filled with warm water and some bubbles. Getting undressed and sinking into the tub, relief left her body for the first time all day. This was good. This could only be good.
She closed her eyes as she allowed her heart to slow down for an unknown length of time before she began to hear whispers from the bedroom.
"Make sure you knock quietly, sweetie."
A tiny knock was heard from the cracked door, "Mommy…" Olivia whispered. "Mommy…"
"Yes, sweetheart?" Alison watched the curls on the back of Olivia's neck bounce as her head turned back toward Emily for her next steps.
"You can walk in now, Squirt. It's okay." Emily approached the door, holding the outside of it with part of her hand so that it opened a little more for Olivia to walk through. "She wanted to bring you some water, Ali."
"Water! How thoughtful of you!" Alison replied, sitting up in the tub as Olivia waddled her way.
"Tada!" Olivia gestured, pushing the water cup in both palms toward Alison.
"Thank you so much, baby girl. Can I get a kiss?" she leaned out of the tub as Liv kissed her quickly before turning back to sit on the carpet in front of the tub.
"Al?" Emily knocked just a few seconds later, "Could I come in? Maybe?"
"Yeah, give me just a minute." She reassured, sinking back into the tub and allowing the bubbles to recover her from the neck down, "Okay. I'm good."
Emily walked to the other side of the tub to sit on the corner, facing Alison, "I know that we didn't quite get to finish talking earlier, but I figured that I shouldn't intrude on your night with Liv. So, I was just coming in to say bye."
Alison readjusted, allowing her left arm to come out from the water to grab her cold glass sitting on the edge next to her, "You can wait if you want. I'll be out in just a few minutes."
"No, it's okay. I called Spence while we were in the living room, and she's willing to babysit on Monday. I was hoping that you would go to dinner with me. I know we're a few days late for Valentine's Day, but if we're going to give this a shot again, I figured – "
"I'd love to, Em."
"Good." She exhaled, "Okay, I'm going to go then. I'll lock up behind myself." Emily stood before crouching next to Olivia, "Thank you for helping me tonight, Squirt. Be good for your mom, okay? Love you and see you very soon!"
Alison's hand hung over the side of the tub as Emily looked back up at her wife, "You look beautiful tonight, by the way." Emily assured, tracing down the scar on the outside of Alison's arm before reaching for her hand. "Couldn't leave without telling you that. Thank you… for everything tonight." She kissed the inside of her palm before standing up to walk out.
"Wait," Alison spoke without thinking. Emily looked over her shoulder, brushing her dark hair back over her shoulder to make full eye contact with Alison. "Do you want to stay? On the couch? In here? I mean, I'll be upstairs."
"Upstairs?" Emily turned around, confused.
"Yeah… I typically don't, uh. I don't come in here anymore, really."
Emily nodded, mulling over the words Alison was leaving out. This space was tainted for her. A room that was once their relationship's haven ransacked by Emily's ignorant and selfish choices. No matter how many times the sheets were changed or how often the surfaces of the bathroom were scrubbed, the rooms no longer only contained memories of Emily and Alison.
Emily's hands dropped to her side, "I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about…"
"It's okay."
The silence fell between them. Even with making progress tonight, one simple gesture had opened up the door to everything still existing between them. The baggage they carried. The time they lost. The memories they shared.
"You can still stay if you want, it's – "
"Not tonight, Al. I need to sit with what you just said for a bit so that I'm ready to talk to you about it on Monday. Can we do that? I'll stay over after our date. Is that alright?"
Alison nodded as Emily smirked back over her shoulder. She held her breath the entire time she heard Emily gathering her things. As soon as she heard the front door close, Alison collapsed into sobs. Even though Emily had been so open about her feelings mere hours before, it wasn't until then that Alison fully understood how Emily could feel heavy. How the weight of everything they still had yet to discuss clouded their air. How even though they had taken a step, they still had hundreds left to take before Alison could even see herself reaching out to touch her wife.
She knew she had to try though, even if it was hard. Or brought tears to her eyes. Or felt uncomfortable. Or was terrifying. Even as Alison tried to get it together over the next few minutes, she knew she wasn't alone. Because while trying to get composed, her wife's hand had been replaced with their daughter's, and until all was okay, Alison knew that trying was more than worth it. For Olivia.
And for the foreseeable future, for Olivia would have to do.
A/N: I hope this answers everyone's even slight concerns about Alison being willing to give Emily another chance. In my eyes, I think Alison definitely opened the door towards allowing Emily to walk back into her life, but as you can see, she is still incredibly apprehensive. There's still a ton left for them to unpack and only 50-ish days to do it. So excited to be at this part of the journey though because I missed the Emison feels just as much as you all did.
Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.
Sending you all the best going into the rest of this week,
secretpen28
