Sex, Drugs, and Oblivian
8/21
Lania tapped Lucifer's shoulder as he lounged on the cushions. "You have someone waiting for you, Lucifer."
He hadn't seen anyone come in. Lilim seeking him out knew where to find him. "Who's waiting?" he asked and stretched, taking his time to get up. His last hit of lethe had only been half a finger of ash ago and his head still felt wonderfully light.
"Private room. You were requested." Lania hauled him to his feet.
Lania's expressions were difficult to read, but right now she seemed even more closed off than usual. Lucifer squinted at her and grinned, hoping to dispel her mood. "Someone new? Someone…important?" he teased, watching her reactions carefully. Her mouth thinned and he laughed out loud. "Oooh, someone important, is it?"
"I never said that. Just go."
He leaned in and gave a nip to Lania's neck as he passed. It was always fun discovering someone new, finding their preferences and testing their limits. He casually walked into the private room, confident in his ability.
There was no one there. He sighed. A trick of some kind?
But something stirred off to the side, a presence. He spun to face it but his eyes wouldn't focus. "Hello?"
It didn't respond. It was like a blacker spot in a shadow. The sense of something, but he had to blink and turn his head away from the absence of it. Could it be the lethe still in his system? No. Lethe didn't do this.
He recognised this. Power. He tensed, ready to fight.
The voice, when it finally spoke, was just as disconcerting. "Drop your glamour."
A stab of pain went through his head. No. He'd been manipulated before. Not again! He had power too, and there was no way—
Beast.
That wasn't his own voice. It didn't originate from within. The non-form, the shadow, surrounded him. He felt it brush against his skin and he felt a response rise within, a wanting.
No. This wasn't his own will, and yet he couldn't dislodge it. The weakness this place imposed on him made it impossible to block. The power forcing its way into his mind wound itself around his fears. The darkness pressed in around him. All sound beyond the room was silenced. He was alone and trapped, his memories made a prison of the past.
But it wasn't real. The part of him still fighting for control knew this was an attack against him and he fought all the harder to free himself from it.
A pain like no other took over. His wings! He needed to hide his wings. But he couldn't because they were already hidden. But they were also there, forced into extension, held down, metal pincers grasped the spine at the base, squeezed, and pulled.
Blood flowed from the wound left behind, and Lucifer shuddered.
But there was no blood, and no one held him in extension, and his wings were safe and hidden.
He lay on the floor, shivering. He didn't know where he was. And he was alone again, alone for so long without food or water.
Drink.
Thirst and need surged through him as the shadow brushed against him again. It pressed against his lips and stole his breath. They had left him. Left him to die of thirst and hunger.
A flask lay on the floor beside him. The first object he'd been able to focus on clearly since entering the room.
Take it.
He stretched, afraid he would grasp at nothing, but the waterskin was real. Desperate, he pried open the clasp and tipped the container. And he drank. The liquid inside wasn't water. It was sweet. The taste of lethe filled his senses.
All of it.
All of it.
The waterskin slipped from his numb fingers and clattered onto the floor. The room spun, tilted sideways.
Chill grew within him, encompassing everything. Numbness took over, creeping over his skin, erasing all feeling, all connection to his sense of self. He didn't even feel the ground. He'd never touched the ground. He was high above, flowing on the wind, falling. The shadow enveloped him, and his mind was defenceless as it entered him. Consumed him. And all he knew was the shadow. It was all he'd ever known.
"Lucifer?"
Everything hurt. His body felt covered in needles, and a massive knife sliced through his eyes and into his skull.
Something shook him. The light from a candle across the room burned his eyes, set everything on fire.
He felt a flask pressed against his lips, choked on whatever liquid was forced into his mouth. The hand shook him again and he tried to curl away from it. The routine continued until he opened his eyes again.
"Lania?"
The Lilim sighed and sat back. "You gave us a scare."
With help he sat up.
"We found you passed out."
Passed out? A sense of horror washed over him and he backed away from Lania. She told him to enter that room, the room where… Where what? He remembered darkness and pain. Thirst. His wings. He'd been held down, a pincer was used to remove his feather. He stumbled to his feet and drew forth his wings, fearful of what he'd find. How many feathers did they take?
Lania stepped back. Everyone stepped back.
Everything was as it should be. No feathers were missing. Even the one he'd removed on his own was there, a spine, but it was there.
But if he had all his feathers, then what had happened in the room? What else was he remembering that wasn't real? He shrugged his shoulders, pulling his wings back in, hiding them out of existence.
Lania reached out her hand. "Should I summon your handler?"
Maze? His knees felt weak and he sat down. Why did his head hurt so much? "No. Don't send anyone for Maze."
A blanket was tossed over his shoulders. Lania knelt in front of him again. "Come join us. Rest by the hearth." She wrapped her arm around his back. "Would you like some more lethe? To help settle your mind?"
That sounded good. He let her guide him to the oversized cushions and he lay back. Her finger brushed against his lips and he licked off the fine sweet powder, and was grateful for the release it offered.
As soon as the unsteadiness in his limbs eased, Lucifer left the Den and headed back to Maze's dome. There were too many blank areas in his head. What happened in that room? The nightmare images of his ordeal in the Spire stuck with him. He made it home just as the winds picked up. He lit the hearth to dispel the darkness and collapsed onto his bedroll.
Every time he closed his eyes, his mind traveled back to the Spire. He barely slept, and yet time slipped around him. Each time he reached sleep, he found himself back there. Each time he opened his eyes, his body screamed at him.
He stared into the fire. Why had he wanted to go back to the dome? He should have stayed at Lania's Den. At least there he wasn't alone, and with companionship came distraction. Long before the winds died down he readied himself to return to Lania's Den.
Lania met him as he entered her establishment and looked him over with a critical eye, declared him a mess, and pulled him aside. "No one is going to want you like this." She stroked his hair and passed him a soft cloak to wear instead of his old chiton.
"You look tired." She used her kohl, rubbing her thumb generously beneath his eyes to darken the already bruised and tired look. "It is better to look like a fashion choice."
He was ready, and looked forward to the sensual promises another ashfall of coupling would bring.
How could he have gotten it so wrong? His first partner was someone he knew well, a vendor from the market. In the market, in the sight of other Lilim, this vendor spat at Lucifer's feet as he passed, refused to trade with him. But here, Lucifer dominated. He knew how to bring forth the gasps and cries of pleasure from the vendor's lips, and he did it well.
The vendor was eager, but Lucifer felt none of the excitement the coupling normally brought forth. At the back of his mind lurked darker scenes. The Spire was taking over his thoughts again. He couldn't enjoy the way the vendor's hands gripped his wrists if it reminded him of being bound and suspended by his wings as he struggled and—
He needed more lethe. The lethe would clear his mind. Then he'd be able to focus.
The first encounter of the day left the private room calling for Lania. Lucifer's hands shook as he cleaned and put away the tools of his trade. The spike-through-his-brain headache had returned in full force and his stomach roiled. He couldn't do it. He'd sent the vendor away after the first few touches, and he wasn't surprised when she stalked through the door.
"You just cost me coin, Lucifer."
"I just need a little more lethe. I couldn't focus. It didn't feel like it should."
"That's not how this works. I don't lose coin here."
"Another dose, and I'll be fine."
"You'll owe me." Lania warned. But she gave him the lethe. He lay sprawled out on the cushions beside the thrall users until he felt at peace again. He discovered, so long as he fortified himself with a hit of lethe before coupling, he could keep the memories at bay and enjoy himself properly.
He stayed the wind. Lania supplied him with a ceramic bowl he could dip into as needed. All of it was adding to his debt, but if the lethe could help him sleep, then he wouldn't need as much the next ashfall.
But when the next ashfall came, he needed more. It was too soon. The images from his memories still lurked on the edges of his consciousness. He couldn't go into the private room with someone with those thoughts in his head. He didn't dare risk it.
"How much credit do you expect me to extend you?"
"I have coin, but I won't need it. Just one more and I'll be fine."
"There won't be another one today. And there won't be lethe without coin. I want what I'm owed upfront from now on."
"I need it. I can't—I don't want—to be alone."
"It's coin or thrall work. Or no lethe."
Coin it would be. He had a pile saved for Maze already. If he dipped into that, just enough to get over whatever this was, he'd be fine.
But all that didn't help him now. The coins he had stashed were back in the dome, across the collective. And he needed more lethe, now.
The thrall workers groaned and turned away when the next female Lilim entered the Den. He recognised her, but he'd never coupled with her before. She was stingy, only choosing thralls who demanded little in the way of coin, and even they didn't want to couple with her. Those who did came out of the private rooms with welts and bruises.
If they didn't want her… An encounter with her would be enough to cover another dose of lethe. He wasn't doing thrall work. It wasn't like that. It was just this once. He'd take her, he'd let her do what she wanted, and that would be it. With more lethe, he'd be able to get back to coupling properly with the Lilim he wanted to be with.
"I'll take her," Lucifer said.
The thralls looked surprised, but none of them protested. Relief was their dominant reaction.
Lania watched from the distance, but didn't interfere.
"I'm not paying extra." The lilim female warned.
Lucifer shrugged. "I'm not asking you to," he answered and offered a teasing smirk to cover up the unease he felt inside. His skin crawled at the thought of touching her, but it was just this once. He'd endured much worse at the hands of the Spire. He could do this.
And so he took her hand and led her to the back.
There had been no mutual satisfaction in this encounter. Lucifer lay face down on the floor, his arms and legs still strapped down to hold him immobile, but he couldn't work up the mental energy to care. Even the Spire memories couldn't penetrate the mental and physical exhaustion she'd driven him to. He rested his forehead on the floor. He didn't know how she derived pleasure from what she did to him. It was anger and violence, the switch used to punish, not excite. She wore the strap-on harness as an object of domination, to violate, rather than stimulate. And then she left him there.
It was Lania who entered the room next. She released the restraints, eased him onto his side, and looked down at him. "I should put this towards covering the debt you already owe."
"No, I—"
"I'll give you your dose; don't get worked up. But I want my coin first thing next ashfall. No more handouts."
He nodded and picked himself up off the floor. He wanted to wash. But lethe first, then he'd wash. And then he'd make his way back to the dome and count out enough coin to settle his debts with Lania. It would cut into what he'd saved to help bribe Maze off the wall, but it was just this once. He'd build it up again. This was only a temporary set back.
For once, he was glad Maze was away when he got back to the dome. He counted up his saved coins. What Lania wanted was going to put a dent in his plans, but he was sure he could make up for it quick enough. He wished he'd thought to ask Lania to pack some lethe for him to last the wind.
His sleep was disturbed numerous times by darkness and terror. Memories of the Spire mixed in with Lania's Den. It wasn't the dungeon where he was bound in his dream; it was the private room. And he wasn't alone. The Lilim female he'd been with was there, and he heard her laughter leak into the shadows even after waking up in a cold sweat.
The lethe would fix things. He grabbed a couple more coins from his stash before going, just to make sure he'd have enough.
It helped. Lania was generous with her doses, and so long as he timed his encounters right, he enjoyed himself the way he should with the partners he chose to couple with. He didn't even owe Lania when the winds started picking up and he asked for a bit extra to take back to his dome with him. Of course, he wasn't taking any coin back with him either, but the next ashfall would be better. He was sure of it.
Each ashfall he told himself the same thing. He'd start collecting more coins than he spent soon. But each wind that came he seemed to fall short again.
He started sitting with the thralls more often. In one of his more lucid periods he wondered that he'd never seen Wen again. Maybe he'd not liked the taste of this place. The thralls didn't seem to mind sharing their partners with him when the need to make a little bit more came up, and he didn't suspect anything was amiss when Lania told him to meet someone in the private room. It wasn't like he'd been paying attention to who came and went from the premises. Not like he used to. But then, he never used to spend so much time enjoying the effects of the lethe before.
As soon as he entered the room, he recognised the presence around him. He turned to leave, but the door was already shut. This wasn't real. He knew it wasn't real, but here it was. The power around him slithered into his mind before he could mount a defence against it.
You are mine.
His heart sped up at the unexpected sound so close to his face.
He looked up, and blinked. The body above him seemed to float, but he couldn't focus. It was shadow and form, with no clear features other than flecks of gold. He stared and stared, but it was like looking through smoke.
No. He closed his eyes, concentrated against the fog in his mind, but everything remained blurry. The presence already had a hold of him. He felt the bindings wrap around his body. It wasn't real. The divine cord held him in its power and he was helpless against it. Time warped and he was back there again, in the dungeons. Bound so tight he could barely breathe. No one came back. And he couldn't move. He was alone, and cold, and not-dead, but not alive either. Trapped in the dark, alone.
What will you give?
The voice filled his mind. He would do anything to be set free. Give anything.
Be honored. A beast like you does not deserve my attention.
The shadow moved around him, and he found it possible to move again. There was nowhere to go, or escape to. It was in his mind, it possessed him.
Drink.
His mouth felt dry as he picked up the waterskin. Lethe water. He drank it willingly, knowing it would be enough to take him under, to make him helpless. But helpless and unaware was better than the alternative. He drank it all. Everything became dim, and his body felt numb.
He didn't know how long the shadowy Lilim possessed him. Time fell away to mean nothing until the presence disappeared and he lay alone on the cold floor. Lania came. She led him out into the common area, and found a mat for him to sleep on.
When he woke he felt dazed, and sore all over. A sense of dread and revulsion overwhelmed him, he didn't want to be here any longer. Despite the pounding in his head, he found his clothes, and put them on. Lania tried to coax him to stay, to join the pile of sleeping Lilim near the hearth, even offering him more lethe, but he pulled away and staggered out into the lanes.
How he found his way back to his dome was a mystery and he couldn't remember the journey after arriving. He stumbled through the door, fumbled to tie the flap closed and collapsed on his bed roll. For the first time in a long time, his mind was quiet in its exhausted drugged fog.
And the silence was good.
