"So… did I detect a hint of jealously last night?" Blaine sung on the end of the phone line. Kurt flopped back on his bed. He was confined to his bedroom after talking back at Puck. Project 'Out Dom the Dom' was in full swing and Kurt made a mental note to never use any of the wooden spoons for cooking every again. Santana was busy making dinner under the close watch of Puck. Things were rather ridiculous around the apartment, so much so that Kurt was worried Rachel would see through this rouse. But Puck was getting on Blondie McButtface's (As Santana referred to him) nerves so much Rachel didn't have time to question the Dom's residence in their already overcrowded apartment.
"Well?" Blaine waited.
"Maybe a little." Kurt admitted. Was Blaine laughing?
"Hey!"
"So, you wouldn't be keen on doing it again?"
"I never said that."
"Soooo it's a yes?"
"It's a maybe. The jealousy thing was kind of…
"Arousing?"
"I was going to say difficult to navigate. I think Sam might take a while to recover. We did leave a few bruises."
"Oh, shit, I forgot his modelling!" Blaine sounded like he was having a panic attack. Now it was Kurt's turn to laugh.
"Relax. Sam doesn't have anything booked for the next month. Do you really think he would have trusted both of us if he had a photoshoot the next day?"
"Oh, right. Also, he keeps asking me all these sexual questions."
"Like what?"
"Like about his sexuality and stuff."
"Well it makes sense. You are studying sexual phycology."
"Oh, yeah right, I forgot about that. How are you better at all this sex stuff than I am."
"Remember that I proofread all your assignments."
"Yeah, but even with Sam, you know exactly what he needs. It's like your read between the lines."
"Theory and practice are different Blaine."
"But you were a virgin before we met."
"I just have a very good teacher." Kurt assured. Blaine was clearly having sole self-doubts. "Blaine do you have an exam coming up?"
"Maybe."
"That explains it."
"Explains what?"
"You are doubting yourself again."
"You know me so well. Can I come over?"
"I wouldn't advise it. I can hear Brodie and Puck from my bedroom."
"Aww please I have to see this."
"You really don't want to. Their last argument was about how to correctly tie knots, the argument before that was when Puck gave Rachel and order to follow and she followed it."
"Oh no she didn't." Blaine gasped as if it was the most scandalous thing ever. Blaine's reactions always made Kurt giggle. The phone vibrated by his hear. He had received a text.
"Surely Rachel is going to see through this whole plan."
"You would think so, but she's too busy calming down Brodie to notice. Brodie is taking the bait like Brit takes catnip."
"Does Brit actually eat catnip. Surely that's not good for her."
"Not really. We just throw some chamomile tea leaves around. She likes the smell." Kurt's phone buzzed again.
"And what would Kitty Kurt like?" Blaine purred. It had been a while since they had played kitten.
"Kitty Kurt wouldn't be opposed to a bit of lavender and rose."
"I'll make note of that. So, can I come over?"
"You do so at your own risk. Can I hang up on you for a second? My phone keeps buzzing with messages."
"Yeah sure, it's probably Sam though. I told him to ask you about what he should wear for his date."
"Date, oh my God, Sam has a date!" Kurt practically jumped off the bed.
"Hold your horses cowboy. It's just a blind date to get Sam out of his mopey state."
"I thought we already did that."
"Well you didn't tell me about your plan, so I made my own. Downloaded the app, made his profile, shoved it under his nose until he picked someone."
"So, is he going out with a girl or guy?"
"Does that really matter Kurt?" Blaine spoke in a tone that told him to stop thinking in black and white. "Weren't you meant to answer some text messages?"
"Fine, fine. Bye Blaine."
"See you soon honey."
"No, stay home, study." Kurt barked down the phone, but Blaine had already hung up. Kurt looked at his text messages. They weren't from Sam. Two were from his dad and one was from Carol.
D: Hey kid, answer your phone
D: Kurt, really need your help right now
C: Kurt answer your phone, your father is going to get us lost
Kurt called his father, jumping to the worst conclusions and a little baffled by Carol's message.
"Dad, please tell me you are ok."
"Ah, I little lost actually. But's it's alright now. Carol showed me how to use the Map app on my phone."
"What happened, did your car break down?"
"We're walking. Good for the heart, which you will be glad to know is going strong."
"I'm still very confused."
"Yuck, someone has left their fast food leftovers by the front of you building complex. Is it bad if I feel like I want a cheeseburger now?"
"Dad you're here!"
"Surprise Kiddo! Now come on and let us in, it's getting cold out."
"Oh shit!" What the hell were his parents about to walk into? Santana, Puck and Brodie were in the kitchen and God knows where Rachel was.
"Come on, let us in."
"Ah, can you give me a moment?"
"No can do. Can't give you a chance to hide your boyfriend."
"He's not here Dad." Kurt tried to hide the panic from his voice, fearing what he would find if he left his room.
"Then what are you afraid of?" Burt laughed. He heard the doorbell buzz in the apartment, then the echo of the door opening through the phone line.
"ByeDadseeyousoon." Kurt threw his phone across the bed and ran out to douse whatever chaotic scene his parents were about to walk in on.
Puck was dressed in a tight tank top and pants. Good. Nothing too crazy. But he was sitting up on the kitchen tabletop with a boot on the island stool. That was not going to fly, no body puts their dirty boots on the chairs.
Then there was Santana who was confined to the back wall, arms tied behind her back performing a wall squat. She had finished making dinner. Kurt made a mental note to remember that one for Sam who would very much enjoy the torment of working one's quads. But now was not the time.
This was manageable, thought Kurt, that was, until he spied Brodie. Brodie in all his glory, naked and glowering at Puck from across the room. Before Kurt could even explode and tell everyone that his parents were here there was a knock at the door.
"Santana, get the door." Puck ordered.
"No!" Kurt gasped. "My parents are here!" Kurt cried. It was then that they all looked at Kurt and saw the panic on his face.
"S'all good man." Puck soothed. "We'll play it cool." Puck untied Santana so she could open the door. The calm ease that radiated from Puck instantly allowed Kurt to breath. It was so different from the dominant personal he showed when trying to fool Brodie.
Brodie! Crap!
"Hey kiddo!" Burt and Carol barged through the door and b-lined for their son. "It's so good to see you!"
"Surprise!" Carol sung. She was rugged up in the worst I heart NYC sweater. What did Kurt expect when she was without Kurt's guidance?
"It's so good to see you both, I've missed you so much!" For a moment Kurt forgot about the predicament he was in.
"Ah, Kurt is that your boyfriend?" Carol had spotted Brodie who was still standing completely naked in the living room, making no effort whatsoever to show a hint of modesty.
"No! Oh God no. He's just an unwelcome squatter in our apartment. We tried fumigating but he's an extremely stubborn pest."
"Kurt be nice." Carol was looking Brodie up and down.
"Carol." Kurt moved the woman so she couldn't ogle the most annoying person on the planet.
"Is this your boyfriend?" Carol turned to Puck.
"No Mr and Mrs Hummel." Puck smiled and extended his hand. Kurt breathed a sigh of relief, at least someone around here had some manners. "Just a friend of Santana's."
"Oh Santana, I didn't see you there." Carol embraced Santana in one of her infamous hugs. Perhaps this night wasn't going to go as terrible as Kurt feared.
"So, what's for dinner?" Burt was heading to the kitchen. "Why are there locks on the cupboards?"
"Oh, the previous tenants put those on. Haven't had a chance to take them off." Kurt thought on his feet.
"Are you sure? I swear they weren't here last time we visited."
"They were." Santana followed Kurt's lie. "Definitely, totally were." Burt shrugged; he didn't care all that much. He was starving and in the mood for something greasy after the flight.
"Sure… Kurt where are your burger patties?"
"Dad, you shouldn't have anything like that. Besides Santana's already cooked up some… salad?" Kurt peered at the bowl. It was full of quinoa, pumpkin, feta and spinach. It looked rather appetising but certainly would not be his father's idea of a meal.
"But I've been eating good all week so I could have a cheat day with you."
"They are in the freezer Mr Hummel." Santana had never called Burt Mr Hummel before. She really must be on her best behaviour. Burt paused mid motion. If he hadn't thought someone was suspicious before, he sure was now. But he let it slide because he was hungry, and he hadn't had a burger in three weeks. While Burt cooked with his son, Carol recounted their New York adventures. Kurt had one eye on his dad and one eye on his friends, waiting for them to slip up and do something utterly embarrassing. Apart from Brodie's lack of clothing, the scene may have passed as a completely normal evening.
That was, until the front door swung open.
"Glad the sex swing has gone. Although I wouldn't be opposed to the spider… Oh, hello… family?" Blaine bustled in with his motor mouth running.
"Hi Blaine." Kurt's face was redder than Sam's ass after a good spanking. The entire kitchen table had heard his comment. All eyes were on him. Blaine just stood there and waved.
"Hi Kurt. I didn't realise you had company." There was a bald gentleman in a checked shirt and a woman beside him who could have only been Kurt's father and stepmother. They looked exactly like the photos in Kurt's room.
"We do. Um, Dad, Carol, this is my boyfriend. Blaine." Kurt rushed to Blaine's side and pulled his boyfriend to the kitchen table before anyone could comment on Blaine's words.
"I'm surprised a sex swing could fit in this apartment." Burt mused. Kurt wanted to die. Could this evening get any worse?
"Oh, it did." Brodie mused with a mouth full of food. "But somebody didn't like it despite the fact that him and his bo-"
"Brodie, shut up." Kurt snapped which earnt him a dark glower. Brodie glanced at Kurt, but his closed his mouth when his eyes met Pucks glare. Puck seemed to be keeping Brodie in check.
"So, you are Kurt's parents." Blaine changed the subject to save Kurt from certain death by embarrassment. Fortunately, the conversation flowed far better once the conversation turned to introductions, childhood stories, but then…
"So how did you two meet?" Carol asked.
"At a club." Kurt answered, trying to be as vague as possible.
"Blaine's dad owns a club." Brodie offered. Kurt wanted nothing more than to evict this naked man out on the freezing sidewalk.
"A club! Burt and I are a little old for clubbing, but we would gladly make an exception. Take me back to my old dancing days." Carol danced in her seat. Kurt tried to think of as many excuses as possible as to why they shouldn't go clubbing. Brodie was sitting back in his chair looking far too please with the hole he was digging for Kurt. Puck and Santana were pleasantly quiet, watching the drama unfold.
"No Dad, you shouldn't go. It's not good for your heart."
"Nonsense, Kurt, if anything it'll be like exercise."
"A different sort of exercise." Brodie sniped. Kurt cringed.
"There are studies linking loud music to… changes in the electrical conductivity of the heart." Kurt lied.
"Have you been reading nonsense articles on your news feed again, Kurt?"
"It's true!"
"It's not. I'm a nurse. We don't see any 'death by DJ' on our clip boards. Why can't we see Blaine's parents club?"
"Because it would be great if you met my parents first." It was the only reason Blaine could think of, and in all honestly, he would like that far better than Burt and Carol's first impressions of his family being a half-naked nightclub.
Kurt felt like he was holding his breath the entire night. But as it came to the end of desert and Carol and Burt were preparing to leave, Kurt felt like the night hadn't gone half as bad as he had thought. I mean, it was extremely off putting that Brodie refused to wear clothes. It was even worse when Kurt noticed how Carol's gazed couldn't help but stare at the man longer than what could be perceived to be normal. Kurt wanted to gag. Blaine found this amusing. Puck was the first to leave, giving Santana a polite peck on the cheek at the door. Kurt reminded himself that he owed Puck one for playing along the entire night. What he was not banking on, was that the moment Puck left, Brodie was now at the top of the pecking order. Brodie leant back in his chair and stretched his arms.
"Thank God that Mohawk looser is gone." Brodie yawned. "Who still uses cheap metal police cuffs anyway. Such a mood ruiner. Who just moves in someone's apartment anyway? It was like, one day he just showed up and put locks on all the cupboards."
"Do you hear yourself!" Santana couldn't bottle it in anymore. Brodie's comment. "YOU are the one that moved in here uninvited. YOU are the looser who think's he's all high and mighty, hogging the bathroom, never wearing any clothes. It's gross."
"It's not my fault I'm the first one up to have a shower first."
"Your bathroom routine takes two hours! That's longer than mine and Hummel's combined!"
"That's why I have to get up early and seeing how flat your hair is, maybe you could use some extra time."
"What a shame I can't because some hairless sasquatch has taken my bathroom."
"That's rich of you to say, because as Rachel tells me, wasn't it you that was the original sasquatch. Or did you not arrive at this very apartment unannounced?"
"Crap he has a point." Kurt muttered so only Blaine could hear.
"So, the locks were new." Burt mused, missing the point.
"At least I have the decency to wear clothes in the presence of company!"
"I don't see anyone complaining."
"I have some objections!" No one listened to Burt.
"You know what? I wish Rachel never met you."
"Maybe if you included her, she wouldn't have had to discover your secrets herself."
"Where is Rachel now anyway? I haven't seen her all day. Don't tell me you've got her locked up in some cupboard or chopped up into tiny little bits like some ken doll serial killer." Santana shoved Brodie into the kitchen bench. Brodie shoved her back, Santana shoved him again. It was then Burt pushed his chair back and rose to his feet. He was sick of children fighting.
"You're not even that good looking. Do I need to draw you a map to show you where your pecs are, because you clearly don't know how to work them?"
"At least I don't have to wax my Mexican third eyebrow!" Neither Santana nor Brodie noticed Burt wandering around to the coffee table. He grabbed Pucks tacky metal handcuffs and wandered back towards the kitchen where Brodie was standing. The boy didn't notice Burt until it was too late. He had grabbed one of Brodie's flailing hands and slapped a cuff on one. Santana was laughing so much that she didn't have time to react when Burt slapped the other end onto her wrist. They were chained together.
"Right!" Burt dusted his hands, satisfied with the situation. Brodie and Santana were speechless. They tugged at the cuffs trying to break free. "I think it's time for Carol and myself to leave. Blaine, you seem like the most responsible person in the room, here." Burt tossed him the key. "Don't let them go until they settle their differences. Kurt, send us the address of Blaine's parents and we'll catch up tomorrow. Good to see you kid. Nice to meet you Blaine."
Burt and Carol left. Leaving Kurt incredibly embarrassed and Blaine with a set of keys in his hand.
"Blaine are you going to let us go or what?" Santana waved her cuffed fist towards him.
"Oh, no, you heard Mr Hummel, not until you settle your differences. I'm not getting on the wrong side of my potential future father in law." Blaine made a bee line for Kurt's bedroom before either one of them could pummel him to the ground and steal the key.
"Wait what?" Had Kurt heard right? Future father in law? He was the first to start chasing Blaine and as soon as they were in his bedroom, Kurt locked the door. Brodie and Santana began to pound on the wood and shout.
"I can't even put a shirt on with our hands cuffed together!"
"Like you would put a shirt on anyway!" Kurt barked back. "If you don't stop pestering us, I will be forced to Houdini this and swallow the key!"
"We're not leaving. We'll be right out here waiting!" Santana was stubborn.
"Well then I hope you don't mind listening to your room mate making some rather undignified sounds." Blaine had tossed the key somewhere and came up behind Kurt, pulling his body against his. He began to suckle Kurt's neck.
"Oh please, I'm immune to sex moans after what I've heard from Rachel's room." Santana called back.
"I think we should just ignore them." Blaine's hands began to wander around Kurt's belt loops.
"I think we should discuss this future father in law business."
"Slip of the tongue." Blaine spoke as he slipped his tongue around Kurt's ear. He knew exactly how it made Kurt shiver. Kurt, however, was far too worked up from the drama of the night to be feeling sexy.
"What about tomorrow? Don't we have to plan for tomorrow?"
"I'll call my parents in the morning." Blaine had an answer for everything, and he began to unbutton Kurt's shirt, slowly massaging Kurt as he did so, trying to release the tension that riddled his boyfriends' body.
"Blaine, what about-"
"Kurt, baby, relax." Blaine slipped Kurt's shirt from his shoulders.
"How can I? Tonight was a disaster!"
"I beg to differ. I think I made a rather good impression."
"By comparison." Kurt gave in and let Blaine sit him onto the edge of the bed. Blaine straddled him and began to unbutton his own shirt. Kurt didn't touch, he just watched.
"I think you worry too much." Blaine began to roll himself across Kurt's lap, feeling Kurt's growing erection underneath him.
"You just met my parents for the first time in a room that also contained a completely naked man and the night ended with two people being handcuffed." Kurt raked his fingers through his hair. Even though Blaine was making his body do certain things, his mind was still racing.
"Sometimes things don't go as planned." Blaine shrugged as if Kurt hadn't described the entire night as the beginning of a bad joke. "And I hate to break it to you but tomorrow at some point you are going to have to tell your parents that we met at a sex club." If Kurt wasn't in the mood before, he certainly wasn't now. He flopped back on the bed and Blaine hovered above him. Blaine gave up his body roles and resorting to placing little kisses across Kurt's face. He found Kurt's frustrations a little amusing.
"Oh God." Kurt's face went pale.
"What?"
"I just realised something."
"What?"
"The answer to the question 'how did you two meet?' is going to be 'at a sex club'. What the hell are we going to tell our children, Blaine?" Kurt cried, shaking his boyfriend by the shoulders then twisted himself face down into the pillows. Oh God, did he just mention children to his boyfriend? What a way to scare someone off, they were still both in university, they had barely been going out for a year yet, way too soon Hummel, way too soon.
"Kurt?" Blaine watched Kurt bury his face so deep into the pillows he was concerned his boyfriend was turning into a mandrake.
"Leave me alone. I've embarrassed myself."
"You know? We could always just tell them we met at a club, but that's just a little boring isn't it? So, I suggest we tell them we met on the seven seas. We were rival pirates on battling ships that fell in love."
"Oh please, Like I would ever be a pirate. Eye patches are so hard to match with outfits."
"I think I could rock an eyepatch."
"I would rather be a merman."
"I'm sure they would believe that."
"So, you're not freaked out?" Kurt peaked an eye free to catch Blaine's expression. He was lying right by Kurt's side, with an overwhelming sense of calmness.
"Nope. It's not like you are actually a merman. That may freak me out a little, where do their penises go? Do they have fish genitals?"
"Jesus Blaine, you are so weird." Kurt wrapped him up in a hug and snuggled close.
"I'm serious, this is going to keep me up all night."
"I'm the one who is meant to keep you up all night." Kurt kissed him on the forehead. Blaine had a way of making Kurt feel better no matter what the situation. He loved him for that. They both fell asleep a short while later, ignorant to the bickering that was occurring just outside their door.
