Author's Note: Aren't you guys so glad when I have exams? I just write instead of studying.


Chapter 33


May 1, 2005

We just picked up and moved. It would've felt stranger if we hadn't done it a thousand times before. The only weird part was not telling anyone.

Mom's been worried lately. It's bizarre. She's usually the calm one. She told me that Light came to see me when I was in the hospital…and how he was acting, it just freaked her out. I don't know why. Light isn't Kira. But she still insisted we move and not tell anyone.

It only took them a few weeks to find me a place in Winchester. It feels so lonely here knowing they're across an ocean in Los Angeles. What if something happens? I can't just go downstairs and see them.

Roger said I could call him if I needed anything, but I barely know him. It would feel strange asking him for help.


June 5, 2005

I wish you were still here, L.

Roger stopped by today and gave me the box you prepared for me. So, that's really your real name? Is that why you didn't want us to call you L? I really thought it might have just been for security. I guess, in a way, it was.

This picture of you from when you were eight is adorable. I wish I had something more recent, but I'll treasure it forever.

Thanks for thinking of me…even in your final moments.


July 30, 2005

Your son was born early this morning, L.

They scheduled a c-section to avoid any complications with the birth. I had no idea they would keep me awake during the procedure. It didn't hurt, and I got to hold him as soon as he was born, but it was still a little scary, you know? They cut me open and pulled this beautiful boy out of me. I wish you could have been there for this birth.

52.6 centimeters, and 3.7 kilograms.

Elliot Reyes.

The doctor said he's tall, but a little skinny.

Just like his father.


August 24, 2005

All of El's checkups are going so well! I'm so relieved.

He's so cute, L. I wish you could see the way his face lights up when he hears my voice.

He can already tell apart grandma and grandpa and mom. …I wish he had dad, too.


October 31, 2005

Happy birthday, L.


December 13, 2005

He said mama! It was a little incoherent, but I'm sure of it! He said mama!


February 2, 2006

I started chemo again, today.

I'm finally done breastfeeding, so it's time to be exhausted for an entirely different reason.

It's strange…I've felt okay the whole time I've been off chemo. Maybe going back on it is a mistake.

What do you think, L?


March 28, 2006

Ugh, fine. I stayed on chemo. I know you would just give me that judgmental look for thinking I know better than the doctors, or not taking care of myself, so I'm back on it. I hope you're happy. I feel like crap.

The only thing that makes it better is El. He's growing up so fast! He's already crawling around and able to pull himself up into a standing position. I always praise him when he does, and he gives me the cutest little smile!


April 5, 2006

He took his first few steps while holding onto the couch, today. You should have seen the focus in his eyes. That kid is going places.


July 30, 2006

Today was El's first birthday. My parents came all the way from Los Angeles to celebrate it. Not that they needed a reason—they've been visiting at least once a month. They can't get enough of El. Mom says I should cut his hair, but I think I'm going to let it keep growing out.

Truth is, I just can't bring myself to cut it. He looks so much like you. Somehow, his jet-black hair always ends up in a tussled mess. The only thing of mine is has is his eyes. They're green like mine.

Roger noticed it today, too. He stopped by to do this first assessment, and the first thing he said was that El was the spitting image of you. I think Roger's opinion was only reinforced during El's first assessment. He did so well! He was able to point at the correct image when Roger called out its name, he was able to follow basic instructions, and even do some basic puzzles like put the correct peg in the corresponding hole.

You would be proud of your son, L.

He's a genius.

Just like his father.


September 23, 2006

He took his first steps! No support of the couch, no need for my hand, just him walking to me. Even when he stumbled and fell, he just smiled, and got back up.

How is he so much like you?


October 31, 2006

Remember when we first met? I could never prove it, but it felt like you saw me as a child.

It faded as we got to know each other more…but it always lingered in the back of my mind. After all, I was only seventeen, and you were twenty-four.

But look at how much I've grown in two years.

I wonder how you'd look at me now.

Happy twenty-seventh birthday, L.


November 3, 2006

I saw El building a tower today with his blocks. He can get up to six pretty easily, but he always struggles past that. He'll get the hang of it. Soon, he'll be building towers as high as you.

I should buy him sugar cubes….


January 18, 2007

Alright, the sugar cubes were a bad idea. He ate all of them and wouldn't go to bed all night.

I wish you were here to stop me when I'm about to do something dumb. You would've seen that coming.

He's growing up so fast, L. He's already recognizing and naming people, he can put together small two to three word sentences, he knows a ton of words, and he's even started writing little by little. It's not anything legible, yet. But I know he'll get there.

O, and the night he was high on sugar cubes, he figured out how to run, so there's that.

I wish you were here.


February 20, 2007

El had his first nightmare tonight. I spent an hour doing monster checks throughout his entire room just for him to crawl into bed with me. I know I shouldn't make a habit of it, but he looked so cute, and he slept so soundly next to me.


March 19, 2007

I've been trying to get El to read for the last month, and he's making a little bit of progress.

Sometimes, he gets a little frustrated and I feel so bad.

Am I pushing him too hard? He's almost two…but that's still so young. I don't want to hold him up against some impossible standard or force things on him.

I just want him to be happy.


May 1, 2007

Our child is a genius. He read fully through his first book today in one sitting. He's even able to copy some of the words down in writing. And it's semi-legible!

L, you gave me the single greatest gift in the world.


July 30, 2007

He's two years old and showing so much promise.

He really is exactly like you.

Roger couldn't take his eyes off him during the second assessment. I don't blame him. El is so cute. Sometimes I just stare at him, too.

It went really, well, by the way. Roger says El is more than capable of filling his father's shoes.


October 31, 2007

I showed El your picture today. I told him it was a picture of his dad when he was younger.

El touched you face and then asked me where you were. I should've been more prepared for that question. I told him you were in a special place. He asked if we could go see you. I told him only if we live good lives where we're kind to others and do the right thing. I don't know if he understood me, but he nodded like he did.

Maybe it was too soon.


January 7, 2008

We spent the holidays in Los Angeles this year. Mom and Dad bought this gorgeous house in Beverly Hills. I took El swimming in the pool and he loved it.

But it still felt empty without you there, L.


April 17, 2008

El got his first scraped knee at the park. He took it like a champ: no tears, no whining, not even when I cleaned it and put a bandage over it.

He's brave like you, L. I wanted to cry just looking at it. I can't stand the thought of my poor baby getting hurt.


July 30, 2008

He's like a little human! He's speaking in full, simple sentences, he's solving small puzzles, he's reading, writing, following multi-part instructions…he's amazing. Roger says he's ready to come to Wammy's House and begin his lessons.

You would be proud of your son, L.


August 5, 2008

Tomorrow is our first day at Wammy's House. I'm excited to see where you grew up.

I wish El could just get his lessons from you…I know it's silly to keep saying it, but…

I'll never stop wishing for that.