Severus spent the rest of the week in the library, trying to figure out how to break a silencing charm – the words "he tried to kill me and Dumbledore let him get away with it" lodged themselves very firmly on his windpipe, just like they did in that excruciating talk with her , but since he had no one to tell them to, it was easier… Now, however, he dreaded that the charm he was operating under would take Reg away too.

That night in the hospital wing was too perfect to be real. He had never felt this way before, as he removed his shirt, and part of him knew something awful was going to happen to him, but he would have let it because he wanted Reg to stay, and Reg stayed, and nothing awful came, only the most wonderful, most improbable night he had in his entire life. He expected to be mocked, humiliated, for the scars – for the cigarette burns and the welts he let his father inflict on him ( you're a freak, you're scum, nothing but a no good freeloader ), and when that didn't happen, he expected to be abandoned again. In fact, he did everything in his power to make Reg go, but then he stayed – and came closer to him, and the resemblance to his brother made him panic – what is he going to do to me now? But this Black did nothing except hold him like he had never been held before, and he fully expected to die because this surely could not be happening – you don't deserve it, half-blood muck – he expected the hand that caressed him to choke him or land a blow and his body was so tense that even the gentlest touch of Regulus Black's soft hands made him spasm, but the blow never came. There was only the embrace, only the heart pounded through the muscular chest straight into Severus's back, at a slightly elevated but even rhythm (Severus's heart raced, his breathing was shallow, except for the occasional gasp when his body braced for a beating, of course). He shook and trembled involuntarily – move and it's over, you'll do something wrong, you will scare him off, you nasty mongrel , and so many words and so many feeling struggled to come out that he had no idea what to do or say anyway, and Regulus Black is in my bed and he is so beautiful and perfect that I can't believe he is real.

When they woke up, Severus wondered – will he know what this means to me? Does he know he saved my life?

He decided he had to break the spell. He had to tell him.

Sadly, that resulted in another conversation with the Headmaster.

"I am afraid I cannot let you continue on your quest."

You are garbage, you lost Lily, you did not deserve her in the first place, you- but Reg…

Suddenly, Severus saw everything clearly for the first time: You are not garbage, they simply do not care. There is no amount of self-loathing that can change that. I am a human being and a wizard like everyone and I'm being treated like dirt for no reason.

A rush of hatred overcame him – "or what?" He asked Dumbledore. This had to be the most disobedient thing he had ever done. "Or I will be forced to modify your memory," Dumbledore explained, to Severus's sudden and all-consuming horror. "Mr. Lupin deserves a chance at an education, and he is not at fault."

And I am? Of course you are, you stupid - NO!

"I don't care what happens to Lupin," Severus said through gritted teeth.

"The Black family made considerable donations, including to the scholarship fund you yourself benefited from – my hands are tied. Let go of this, Mr. Snape, it is in your own best interest."

In my own best interest to cover up for my own attempted murder? His head was spinning.

"Just let me tell one person, please –!" He managed to say, and a glimmer of hope emerged, and was immediately extinguished as Dumbledore informed him that he must abandon his unprofitable quest, or next time, it would be obliviation, and left before Severus could open his mouth again.

He felt like he had been hit in the head with an iron skillet. Helplessness dizzied him, as every chance he had of not pushing Regulus away was taken from him. If Dumbledore had not left, he would have begged, he would have actually begged, but he did leave, and only afterwards did it occur to Severus to say that the one person he wanted to talk to is just as much a Black as Sirius. But that would not have made a difference. He had to stop trying, or it was obliviation – oblivion. He could do without the memories of that event, but he could not accept the risk that he himself would start believing James had actually saved him or that Sirius would try again, and succeed this time.

He wished there was magic that could make Regulus simply wring it out of his mind.