Hi,

It's been a long time.

I'll start off with an apology, this is going to be a long author's note, buckle in folks.

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, it has been a little over a year since I last updated. I apologize for the long wait for those of you who were invested in this fic. I'll be honest with you: The motivation to finish It Takes A Village left me a long time ago. When I started writing this back in November of 2017 I didn't believe anyone would have an actual interest in reading about a long dead character in a scenario where events had transpired differently. I'd only made the decision to start publishing it in March of 2018 after bearing witness to Barba's unfortunate exit. It's now almost April of 2020 and I'm at a totally different place in life than I was when I first started writing this, I'm a different person than I was then as well.

To those who have come across this fic and were disgusted by the graphic nature of it, I'm sorry. My intent was never to trigger, nor was it for some sick gratification on my end. I know that for some this answer will probably seem like a cop-out but I felt I needed to state it anyway. Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid and I can understand why you would feel this way.

To those who are still reading, who are interested in the ending I have news: I am not going to abandon this fic, mainly because I think it would keep me awake at night if I were to let it slip into obscurity without giving you a proper end, especially after you've stuck by me and waited this long. In all honesty the reason I've decided to update and finish this fic now is because of the uncertainty in the world right now. I'm scared, particularly because of how things are transpiring where I live. So I've turned to what I always have when I feel afraid, precarious, uncertain and that is my writing. I thank you for being patient with me. In truth, bits and pieces of the final draft have been sitting in my docs for about a year now but I couldn't bring myself to edit it. Worry not though, I'm diving head first into the arduous process that is making sure my writing is up to par with what you deserve, which is a well-written work without too many grammatical errors(because let me honest rereading this makes me WISH I'd had a beta reader, but due to the fact that I worry about how people would perceive me for writing this I've refused to let anyone who knows me read it. I'm also pretty active as far as the SVU community on social media goes so I worry that even though I'm using a pseudonym someone eventually could figure out who I am. There's part of me that feels ashamed that I wrote this and I know how some people feel about this kind of fic so I figure for now it's best I continue in anonymity).

I'm hoping to have the entire thing published and completed by May, we're nearing the end folks. 25 chapters in total, with the 25th being an epilogue. My original epilogue, which was written before even finishing the first chapter, I don't feel fits with who I am anymore. I also believe that there are those who could misconstrue the meaning behind it and I don't want to cause more harm. Perhaps one day I might think about sharing the original epilogue, but for now it will gather dust in my docs.

Again, thank you dear readers for sticking by me, for all of your wonderful reviews(all of which mean the world to me and motivated me to finally finish). Look forward to another update soon, I promise!


"Damnit...Fucking- shit !" Lewis slams a hand roughly against the tile of the shower, the water cascading onto his head and dripping down his back and his face, the wound which usually stung long since forgotten. None of that mattered now.

A heavy breath shook his body in a way that was, dare he say... fearful , even, it just managed to make him more angry at himself. Silence followed, the only sound registering to him being the steady drizzle from the shower head and his own breathing. Quick breathing, panicked breathing. It was so foreign to his ears he wondered if it were even real.

"You're smarter than them Billy…" He mumbled to himself, "You always have been." He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping the towel around his waist against and stopping to look in the mirror, "You can do this, why're you so scared?" He chuckles, a crack in the facade deepened, branched out, he didn't care to try and fix it, "Son of a bitch, you know exactly what to do, don't you?"

Yes.

He did, a laugh coming out more strained that his usual before he shook his head, staring at his reflection, "You're a goddamned genius."


"Ms. Benson, please, you need to calm down." Dr. Akkerman tried to console his frantic patient, "Please, if you don't we are going to have to sedate you."

"Lieu, take a deep breath, this...this isn't as bad as you think-" Carisi tried to console, ignoring the look of shock he received from Amanda.

That was nothing however, compared to the look on Olivia's face when she turned, locked eyes with Carisi, and despite her pain, lunged forward grabbing the lapels of his jacket to yank him mere inches from her face, "Not as bad as I think!? My son, Carisi! He has...my son!" Her anger melted and a wheezing sob caused her to shudder and erupt into a fit of coughs. Christ it hurt!

"Liv lay back…" Amanda put a hand on her friend's shoulder and pushed her softly back into the bed with the help of Carisi, unsure of which was worse: Olivia angry or Olivia upset, "Please calm down please…"

"I can't…" She wheezed, a hand shakily coming up to try and pull the nasal cannula out of her nose, only to be stopped softly by Carisi, "Why aren't you out there finding him!?" She demanded.

"Fin is doing his best to work with Chief Dodds right now Liv, we are doing the best we can right now but we don't have any leads!" Amanda tried to explain, only for Carisi to cut her off.

"Which is why we need you to talk to us about everything okay? He could have said or did something you can't recall and if we go over everything you might remember-"

"That's so asinine Carisi! If I remembered something I would have said it by now! Now, let. Me. Up!" She tried to force her way up, gasping sharply as suddenly the pain in her stomach registered and she fell backwards, trying to catch her breath.

"Ms. Benson-!" Dr. Akkerman moved forward, "Please you must relax! Any abrupt movement and your stitches could burst!"

"...Stitches…?" She was confused at first and then was able to recall what had happened to her in the moments before she'd lost consciousness, "Oh…" She felt sick.

Amanda took the seat beside Olivia's bed before Carisi or Dr. Akkerman could, grasping her hand in her own, "Please Olivia...Please, we can't do this without your help, you need to give us your full detailed statement."

"He has my son…" Olivia whimpered, tears filling her eyes, "I-I can't think straight, I just want my son back!"

Dr. Akkerman decided to step in, "Ms. Benson I can give you something to calm you down but it could affect your memory, now I'm asking as a courtesy but if I feel you are a danger to yourself or others then I will sedate you."

"What's going on?" None of them had noticed Rafael approach the doorway rather quickly at the sound of commotion, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw Olivia with her eyes wide open, "Liv," It wasn't a question but it was too weak to be a statement either.

Silence passed for a second before Olivia sniffled, "Rafa..." And that was all she needed before she burst into tears.

"H-hey Liv!" Rafael moves to her side, gently settling between Amanda and Carisi, "Please Liv, please calm down, just take a deep breath!" It takes a few tries but he does manage to coax that out of her, much to everyone's surprise.

"Now, everyone is doing their best to find Noah, and they will find him soon, I know it, okay?" She refuses to nod but he can't exactly blame her, "Tell us what happened, from the beginning. You know how these things go, if you give us a statement from the top things will come back to you that you don't realize you heard or remember."

"I need a minute…" She buried her face in her hands, "Give me a minute, that's all I ask."

Rafael glanced at the two to his side and they all seemed in agreement, "Alright, just a few minutes okay? Do you need anything? Coffee? Food?"

"I just need my son," She whispered, unable to even look at them as the room went quiet and shortly after she heard the door close behind them, a gut wrenching sob racking her body, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" She hissed, "This is all your fault...You were stupid to think that...that he would ever leave you alone."

She felt empty, hollow...Who was she? What was her name, what was her purpose? Her son, her son was her purpose and she had failed to protect him.


"So how are we going to do this…?" Carisi asked, turning to look cautiously at Amanda and Rafael.

"Her interview?" Amanda asked, "Maybe it's best if I'm in there with her. It can be really overwhelming for more than one detective to be talking to a victim."

Rafael turned away, "Don't call her that…She's still Liv."

"...I know." Amanda turned back and put a hand on the door, "I'm going in by myself, don't interrupt us." She closed the door behind her, feeling empathy tug at her heartstrings at the sight of Olivia, her boss and her friend, hunched over in bed sobbing, "Hey Liv…" She said weakly, slowly approaching the bed, "I'm so sorry."

"...Stop…" She sniffled, "Stop apologizing. Apologizing won't do anyone any good! It never has."

Amanda tries not to let Olivia's words slap her into a stupor, she still has a job to do. Taking a moment to evaluate Olivia and her condition she chooses to sit at her bedside, but keeps her hands to herself, "You used to say that apologies can help but catching the perp would help even more."

There was a long quiet moment before she whispered, "No amount of 'I'm sorry's' will...unrape me. No amount of 'I'm sorry's' is going to bring my son home, no amount of 'I'm sorry's' is going to mean a damn thing to that...that beast!" She was heaving by the time she had finished talking and Amanda had leaned forward to put a steadying hand on her shoulder.

"We have to start from the very beginning, okay?"

"...How long has he had Noah?" She asked softly, "And please, don't lie to me."

Amanda had debated stretching the truth but Olivia would find out one way or another and she knew that she had likely already lost her friend's trust anyway, "Almost 2 days."

"So I…I've been out a day?"

"A day is better than nothing Olivia, we weren't even sure you were going to make it. The ambulance ride was touch and go and Carisi was so scared-"

"He could be anywhere Amanda! Anywhere! Why aren't you out there looking!? We have to find them!"

"No Olivia please-"

"I have to go!"

"That would be next to impossible in your condition." A voice both familiar and unwelcome to them called from the doorway, "Detective Rollins is going to stay right here with you and Carisi and Fin are going to go follow a lead." Chief Dodds stepped into the room and Amanda could swear she felt her eye begin to twitch while Olivia just stared, eyes wide and mouth agape.

"Lieutenant Benson," He greeted stiffly. He didn't want to stare at Olivia like that but the fact that she was alive was nothing short of a miracle and he was...he was so glad that she was alive, "Detective Rollins is going to take your statement and I am going to supervise."

There was a lot Amanda would stomach in this situation. He'd benched her, sure, he'd berated her and called her untrustworthy, fine. But now he wanted to sit there while Olivia went over what she could only be certain were the worst few days of her life?

"No," She stood up, standing in front of Olivia, "I don't mean to sound rude Chief, but I've been working at Special Victims for almost 10 years now. I think both of us might overwhelm her."

"And not to sound like I'm overstepping but this case has a special set of circumstances and if you have a problem I will send you back to New York without a job, are you aware of that?"

"Stop it! Stop!" Olivia yelled, her heart monitor going bonkers once more, "Just stop arguing! For Christ's sake my son is out there with a monster, I don't have time to listen to you argue!" She snapped, "If you two are going to bicker then I'm going to find them myself-"

"That won't be necessary Olivia, Detective Rollins is going to listen to her superior officer. Do you have an issue with my listening in?"

"Of course I do but I don't have any other option do I?" She retorted, glaring at him.

"Proceed Detective." Dodds turns away from Olivia, pacing about the small room and settling against the wall, staring out the window.

"Why don't we start...from the top. The night he broke into your apartment what were you doing?"

Olivia closed her eyes, she'd always told the victims that if they closed their eyes they'd be able to see and recall the attack more clearly however she worried more now about being able to forget it, every single image was burned into her memory and she could see it as if she'd been a spectator in this macabre story, "After work I went home to my apartment, relieved Lucy from her duties for the night-"

"Who's Lucy?" Dodds interrupted, ignoring the glare from Amanda.

"Lucy is the sitter...it was Tuesday and I remember that because it was spaghetti night, Noah's favorite," Her voice cracked softly and she sniffled, unsure if she were capable of producing tears without exerting too much strength, "We went to bed later than normal, I let him have two bowls of ice cream because he got an A on his spelling test." A nervous chuckle bubbled up, "It was around 11:30 when I finally got him to go to bed. I showered and...went to bed around midnight. Nothing was out of the ordinary. My door was locked. " But she knew that Lewis had ways around that.

Amanda wrote down a few cursory notes not that she cared much to, it was easier to listen especially when she knew this wouldn't (no, it couldn't ) go to trial anyway, "Okay that's great Liv. Do you remember what time it was that you realized he was there?"

"Yes. I um...I hear noises at night and I wake up to make sure that...that nothing's wrong y'know?" She sighed, "It was around 3 in the morning, I heard a noise so I got up to make sure it was nothing...I just…" She swallowed a sob, her voice shaking, "I just wanted to make sure it wasn't him." Another sob, "But it was...He had turned on my TV and I'd been so tired I thought that maybe, just maybe, I left it on s-so I turned it off and when I turned around—

Hey there sweetheart, did you miss me?

He had a gun to my head." Her eyes closed as a long breath rattled out, "For the first few seconds I was convinced it was just a nightmare…" Her eyes snapped open suddenly and she wiped away at her face once more, this time she could feel the wetness of tears, cold on her face, "But when I realized it wasn't I knew I had to get him out my apartment before he noticed Noah's things and started asking questions… He got angry and loud and it woke Noah up…" She sniffled, "This is all my fault, I should have known better!"

"What do you mean 'known better'?" Dodds asked, turning to look at her with confusion.

"I tried to move forward with my life and I should have known that he would never leave me alone! As long as one of us was alive the game would continue, he never loses. I put Noah in danger when I adopted him!" She blurted out, surprising the chief.

Amanda put a hand on Olivia's shoulder, "That's not fair Liv. If you had stayed in the same...fearful state as the rest of his victims then he would have won. You're one of the best mothers that I've ever met, don't apologize for saving Noah."

All Olivia could do was offer Amanda a half-hearted smile, knowing better than to argue with the blonde, "I texted you when he left me alone to get dressed. Then we left the apartment, I tried to convince him to leave Noah out of it but he didn't listen. We drove around the city for a few hours and then pulled off and he…" She sighed, "He killed someone for the car didn't he?"

Silence from the both of them.

She nodded slowly, "...He did this because I lied you know…" She glanced from Amanda to Dodds, "He was angry with me for lying on the stand and-"

"I'm sorry, come again?" He took a couple steps towards the bed, "What did you lie about?"

"Oh yeah, you don't know." She sounded so resigned it was frightening; a secret she'd promised to take to her grave, now in the open for everyone to see, "I told the jury I beat him because he'd gotten free of his cuffs and came after me, but that's not what really happened. He was handcuffed and I took the bedpost and I beat him…" She chuckled, an odd smile crossing her face, "I only stopped because I thought he was dead, I should have made sure…."

"O-okay, what happened next?" The look on Chief Dodds face told her everything she needed to know. Olivia had just admitted to committing not one, but two crimes: assault with a deadly weapon and perjury.

"We drove...We drove for a long time...I fell asleep a couple times but it wasn't for more than a few minutes at a time."

"Did he stop at a gas station?"

Her eyes seemed to light up, "Yes! Yes, he...he was going to get cigarettes and booze. The clerk recognized him so Lewis shot him, point blank in the head, he didn't even hesitate…" The memory caused bile to rise in her throat, "I made him angry, I-I refused to answer his questions and he told me there would be consequences, I just didn't think-"

Amanda knew what was coming, "The security footage showed him get into the backseat with Noah."

"He had a bottle of whiskey and he," A sob shook her body, "He forced Noah to drink from it."

"And then we kept driving and I answered all of his questions because if I didn't he would have hurt Noah again and I-I just wanted him to leave Noah alone. When we got to the cabin he separated us. Me in the basement and Noah upstairs."

"Were you upstairs at all?" Amanda questioned.

Olivia had to think about it for a moment before she answered with, "The only time I was upstairs after that was when you found me."

Amanda stopped writing, the doctor's notes burning into her head, "Right we...we have to talk about that after you finish telling us what happened."

She gives her a cursory nod before coughing for a moment and looking in the Chief's direction but not exactly at him, "Dodds could you please hand me the cup on the table?"

"Of course," He was quick to retrieve it from the rolling table where he noted that food lay untouched, "You haven't eaten?"

"Can't...Not hungry."

"Oh, alright." When he handed it to her he averted his eyes, not even daring to stare into her own when he knew already what he would find.

"So after he got you down there...what happened next?" Not that Amanda had to ask, after all, she knew that no matter what it was she knew where it had led.

"He had um...a package of cigarettes and he…" She shook her, unable to produce the right words and instead opting to point, pulling at the neckline of her gown to reveal one of the multitude of bandages, this one on her collarbone, so she pointed, "He put it out on me and then," she just wanted to blurt it out in one go, perhaps it would be easier on her that way, "He left and came back a few times. I think it was to confuse me but it wasn't until later that night, I had fallen asleep-"

"He had you restrained?" Dodds inquired.

"Handcuffs, I think they were from the officer he killed in the hospital. But when he came back he made me undress and then he um…" Damnit, damnit Liv don't cry! "He had me lay down on the ground and he…"

There was a long pause in which neither Dodds nor Amanda opened their mouths to speak and all Olivia could do was drink in breath after ragged breath.

"He raped you." Amanda said softly, looking into her friend's eyes and finding the fear, the panic, still there, as if she was back there in that basement with him while they scrambled to find her like the lost little idiots they were.

"I...I just tried blocked it out until it was over and then he left." She would spare them the bloody details, the noises, her feelings, the things he said to her afterwards- Those gory awful details would be burned into her head for the rest of her life, she wasn't going to subject someone else to them.

"I'm so sorry…" Dodds voice was low, like he wanted to whisper it but also didn't want to show cowardice, saying those words perhaps would be one of the hardest he'd ever had to deliver because this was a mistake. One that could have been prevented, "I-I'm so sorry, no one deserves that."

And then she offered him a gracious smile that reminded him so much of Michael that it felt like a punch to the gut, "It's not your fault..." She turned back to look at Amanda, "I slept...there was really nothing else for me to do until morning. He brought Noah down, he left us both down there together because he had to run errands so we-we tried to escape. I had Noah go upstairs and get a knife so I could pick open the lock and-"

Amanda was having a hard time keep up, "H-hold on Liv, gimme a second."

She paused momentarily, the vivid images flashing in her head, the pride she felt for her son swelling in her chest slightly, almost numbing her to her pain, "He brought me a little knife and I was so close to getting the cuffs off when...Lewis came back. I forgot to tell Noah to close the door behind him so he probably noticed that the basement door was open."

Amanda knew what had happened and obviously they had Olivia now but to hear of her and Noah's valiant effort being crushed was like a kick in the face.

"So Lewis knew what we were trying to do and he told Noah to say goodbye because he wouldn't see me again after this so I tried to make him angry at me and…" She took a long gulp of her water, her stomach flipping so dangerously she thought she may bust her stitches if she threw up, "And then he said I was right, he didn't need Noah. He put a gun to his head, but..." Neither listener breathed, "I knew he was bluffing so he stopped. He told me he was going to take Noah once he was done with me." Rage filled her, "That bastard had the audacity to tell me that my son was going to call him 'dad'!"

She shook her head again and before they could ask anymore questions she pushed on, "When he came back he...groped me, assaulted me, knocked me out...When I came to he had tied me to a chair and he…" Suddenly she didn't feel like being too forthcoming.

"He…?" Dodds gently nudged her forward, "What did he do then?"

"You guys should be out there finding my son, not interrogating me." She snapped rather harshly, pulling the blanket up and tightly around her, glancing nervously between the two.

"Olivia you have to tell us." Amanda coaxed, "Please, no one is going to judge you, whatever your body felt, it doesn't change what happened." It was the same words that she'd heard her tell victims countless times, usually it helped and she was sure it was because of her warm and nurturing nature and she was certain it didn't sound as nice coming out of her mouth.

She was quiet, her face felt warm and she could feel tears burning her eyes, the waves of shame coming off her was palpable, "He had scissors and he used them on my thighs, he cut me up a bit and then..." She buried her face into her hands with a sniffle, shaking her head.

Amanda set down her pad and grabbed a box of tissues from the counter, getting closer to Olivia and setting them beside her, "I know this is hard, but whatever happened was not your fault."

She pulled out a tissue before blowing her nose, taking a second to ground herself before shaking her head, "I-I know it's not my fault but it feels-"

"What happened?"

A long sigh, "He had a pair of scissors he used to cut me a few times, lighter up top but a deep cut on my thigh." This was consistent with the doctor's notes, "And then he..." She shook her head, "...Please don't make me say it."

"Say what Olivia?" Dodds pushed.

"He shoved his hand down my underwear and-" She slammed a hand over her mouth, swallowing back down bile that was threatening to choke the life from her, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Dodds didn't realize where this was leading but Amanda did, "Olivia what happened, what your body did...it was a normal reaction but that does not mean that you consented-"

"You don't know stupid that sounds until it happens to you Amanda. He taunted me about it, he said that I...I" She steeled herself to avoid her body purging itself of whatever contents it had left, "I was awfully wet for someone about to be raped." Dodds cringed, cringed in a way that in all of his years working with NYPD he didn't think he'd ever forget it.

So, he figured it was easier to make an ass of himself, at the very least it would get her to focus on something other than...that, "What happened next?"

This time Olivia's gaze was not as warm, "What do you think happened next?" She sniffled, sitting up a little further in bed, "I don't remember how many times he…" She couldn't bring herself to say the word, "A lot...The whole night, maybe. I couldn't keep track of time anymore..."

"I think it was the next morning that he came back down." She chuckled, uncharacteristic given the situation, "I taunted him, part of me just wanted him to end it, I just...I just didn't want to suffer anymore…" She gave an uneasy glance around the room before fixing her gaze in front of her at the wall, whispering, "Is that selfish…?" She didn't wait for them to give her an answer, "Anyway it only pissed him off so he beat the hell out of me and left. Everything after that is...sort of fuzzy, I don't know how much more I can recall."

Dodds leaned on the railing of the bed, "That's alright Olivia, whatever you can recall is going to be helpful. Do you need to take a break?"

"Oh, ha...no. We're almost at the end." She sounded so tired suddenly, "Amanda," She looked to her detective, her friend, "I want you to know that...that you and Carisi are not at fault. You did the best you could and I know that-"

"Liv what-"

"When he came back and woke me up it was to tell me that he saw you and Carisi at the gas station in Phoenicia, he had been there with Noah and you two didn't see him." Olivia's eyes wandered around the room, desperate to avoid watching her friend's face melt from shock to horror.

"It wasn't your fault Amanda, it was a one in a million chance, you two were just getting there while they were leaving." There's a long drawn out sigh that escapes her, "He taunted me about it, I can vaguely remember that…" Images flash in her head, there's a few seconds of silence she faces, "He...He asked about Noah's father and I lied, said I didn't no but he kept asking questions and I guess he figured out on his own that Noah was adopted." Even fuzzier, she squints as if trying to see the memory from far off, truly she was looking at what were likely the final hours of her captivity, of her torture, and the further she explored the harder it became to see and hear, "I stopped reacting, I think I wanted him to kill me then but he wouldn't, so he just kept beating me and burning me." She swallows a hard lump, a whimper forcing its way out, "I don't remember a lot afterwards. I can remember him telling me that we had to leave and he...he put me into the bathtub, I pretended I was asleep and," A bulb seems to fizzle faintly in her mind, "Noah-! He said that Noah had called someone? You guys were coming to get us! I just had so much adrenaline all of sudden, he had left a knife on the edge of the tub and I picked it up and I managed to get a swing in on his back before he turned around and there was a struggle for the knife."

Discomfort.

Confusion.

Pain.

"I stabbed myself in the stomach accidentally." She whispers bringing a hand to cover her mouth as realization hit her like a freight train.

There's an unpleasant silence that falls over the room. In reality Amanda is relieved, she hadn't believed for a second that Olivia would stab herself, she would never leave Noah alone with that monster.

She shudders, "And now he has my son."

Before she can open her mouth to speak, Dodds cuts her off, hesitantly placing a hand on her shoulder, pulling back when the woman jumped, "Olivia I don't know if this will ease your mind some but Noah is alive."

"How do you know that if you don't have him?" She asked.

He glanced at Rollins and her expression told him that Olivia wasn't fully aware of everything that had transpired since she was rescued. If it would even in the slightest alleviate her pain for her son he would tell her, even if it technically was against protocol, "There have been sightings since we rescued you. Notably, a small store where Lewis was buying medicine. Noah is sick but the store clerk told us that he's taking care of him-"

"No…" Olivia whimpered, her hands balling into fists, "You don't understand, Noah has respiratory problems. If his cough starts acting up again he could-!" She remembered the fear that had gripped her when Noah was an infant, when he'd gotten sick and ended up in the ICU, when he'd gotten measles...He'd been through so much already, dying of sickness wasn't right, it wasn't fair! Lewis wouldn't know that, he wouldn't know Noah's medical history, "If Noah gets worse he could need to be hospitalized and Lewis isn't going to take him to a hospital. Noah could die! "

"It's not going to come to that Olivia! Fin and Carisi are out there following a lead right now. We've got the county locked down, he is not leaving the state of New York with Noah, I promise-"

"Don't." Olivia shakes her head and sends a glare in his direction, "Don't make promises you can't keep. You don't know him like I know him!"

Amanda stared back and forth incredulously, the tension rising by the second and before she could let it go any further, Dodds blurted out, "He knows that you're alive! By principal alone that's enough to keep him here!"

It stuns both women into silence.

In his long career he had been yelled at by superiors, talked down to, made fun of, insulted, all of it. He had never let it get to him, never backed down from his point. So only now when the severity of the situation hits him, along with his own words, does he feel guilty. He feels guilty because well, Olivia was a good woman, who had been put through hell and back more than once, a mother whose son was currently teetering on the edge of the world, and instead of trying to bring her comfort, he'd just implied that the devil himself was going to come back to try and kill her.

Smart, he was certain his son was looking down on him and feeling real proud.

"Don't worry about us finding Noah, I swear on my life that we are going to get him back, we will not stop until we do." The damage had been done, he could tell, and maybe just this once he wouldn't whine and complain about running away like a puppy with its tail between its legs, "Just get some rest now Olivia, okay? You survived the unthinkable, I have no doubt that Noah is alive now because of everything you've done to protect him, to make sure he was safe. He is valuable to you, which means he's valuable to William Lewis. We're gonna get this son of a bitch I promise-"

"Kill him." Olivia whispers. It isn't a soft, barely noticeable whisper, she states it while looking straight at Dodds, "If he lives this will never end. Ever. He will do it again, he-"

Amanda couldn't bare it any longer, it was like bearing witness to a train wreck; horrific but she couldn't look away. Usually watching him flounder for words brought about a sense of satisfaction, considering how often he made an ass of himself(she never understood how someone like the Chief could have produced such a kind and well-spoken man like Michael Dodds. Sure, he had his moments but never to the degree of his father), but it was that Olivia was telling him something that could be damning when this was all said and done. She had to protect her friend, above all else, "Chief I got this, go ahead."

He's out of the room faster than either woman anticipated.

"H-he has to die Amanda, or he won't stop and-!" Olivia only realizes she's beginning to panic again when the monitors start to beep.

The blonde's hands are on her friend's shoulders the second she hears the noise, "Hey, hey- Olivia, look at me okay? Please look at me." She watches her struggle with her fear, her eyes darting wildly before finally landing on her own blue ones, "I am going to personally make sure that what needs to be done is done. Don't worry."

She shakes her head and it's with a great deal of horror Amanda sees the tears, fat and glossy, start to swell up in her eyes, "Don't tell me not to worry!" Her voice crackles, reminding her an old radio, "He has my son!"

"He won't for long." She can't tell Olivia outright. In this state she was a little more vulnerable, possibly a little easier to pry answers from. She wasn't going to take any chances of being stopped when she was just following leads, "Do you trust me?"

"Yes but-"

Amanda's heading towards the door before Olivia can even finish, "Then put your trust in me again." Her head pokes out of the door to find Barba biting his fingernails in the chair just outside the room, "Barba-" He suddenly scrambles to make himself seem presentable causing her to roll her eyes, "Any word from Fin and Carisi?"

He shakes his head, slowly rising, "Can I go in?"

"Yeah, actually I'm gonna step out for a little bit to call them, you'll stay with Liv?"

He catches the look in her eyes. That 'don't ask questions' look. He knows better than to ask her anything at this point. As far as he was concerned he didn't see anything , "Of course. How...how is she?"

"Holding up better than I would've given the situation. She's really worried and upset because of Noah, just make sure she doesn't try to do anything dumb like get up and leave. The Doctor said if she panics again that he'll have to sedate her. I'll call you with any updates okay?"

"Right." Barba switches places with her, inhaling deeply to steady himself, "Hi Liv...May I uh, may I?" He gestures to the chair beside her bed that Amanda had been seated in only minutes before.

She barely turned her head to look at him, "You aren't going to take no for an answer so I guess."

Oh boy... Tentatively, he takes a seat beside her and sits in silence for a few long, tense moments. He doesn't know what to do or say, he's always sucked at this comforting thing. There wasn't any way to relate to her situation, to the pain she was currently in and to the fact that her son was in danger, "Olivia I…" He shakes his head, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."

Olivia comes across as disinterested. She's looking at him but her mind is miles and miles away and her expression is stony. She doesn't want to be rude, she certainly doesn't want to order her friend out, she'd rather it be him with her than a random officer ordered by Dodds, "Tell me...Tell me about Noah, Amanda said you talked to him?"

"Yes, he called me." It hurt to recall the pain and fear in the boy's voice and he wouldn't dare convey that to Olivia, "He was so brave Liv, braver than I would have ever been in that situation. He's the reason you're alive and...and they're going to find him too. He's going to be okay, you know why? He's so, so smart. Just like his mama."

Olivia weeps, she weeps because she knows he's right. She doesn't even push Barba away when he hugs her.

7:40 PM

"Hey Noah, I figured that pop might not be a good idea right now 'cuz of your stomach, so I got juice instead!" Lewis used his foot to kick the door shut behind him, and set the dinner on the table, "That alright?"

Noah barely even looked up from his cartoons, instead holding out a hand for the bag.

"What? Giving me the silent treatment?" He hands one of the bags to him and sets the cup on the table, "Whatever, just make sure you drink all of the juice okay, money doesn't grow on trees." Lewis leaned back in the bed and eyed the child carefully.

He could really only hope that Noah made this easy on him and drank the damn juice, after all he'd poured three capfuls of cough syrup into it and it damn sure wasn't going to go to waste-

"Ew."

Shit.

"What now."

Noah's holding the cup in his hands with a scowl on his fast and a skeptical look towards Lewis, "This tastes weird."

He gives a slow nod, "Well you're sick so it comes as no surprise. Things don't always taste right when we're-"

"No that's not it." The boy takes another hesitant sip, scrunching his nose up at it, "It tastes like medicine. You put medicine in it."

He could feel a migraine coming on each time Noah opened his mouth to talk. Bringing his hand up to his face he pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration, "Alright you got me! You were being difficult though, you're refusing to take any medicine, what else was I supposed to do?" He knows the look on his face all to well, "You're going to finish it drinking it."

The boy shakes his head, "Nu-uh!"

"Oh yes you are!"

"Why!?"

"Why?" Lewis could have sworn he felt his eye twitch, "Because I'm the adult and you're the child! I swear to god Noah if you say no to me one more fucking time I am going to backhand you so hard your head spins!" By the time he's finished he's inches away from Noah, fists clenched in warning, "You gonna drink it or do I have to make you."

Noah's breathing is heavy and fast, his first instinct was to cry but remembering that hadn't done anything but make him angrier he manages to keep his tears at bay, giving a quiet nod and finally breathing a heavy sigh of relief when he leans away. It's bitter, he doesn't understand how Lewis thought he wouldn't notice.

There's a long moment of silence, Lewis glances out the window quickly and without turning around starts to talk, "After you finish eating you're gonna shower and go to bed. We're gonna be leaving in the morning." Right after Lewis took care of...business he knew was heading his way.

Noah was asleep within the next hour. He'd fought it, but the amount of cough syrup in his juice had been more than enough to put him out of commission. Good, Lewis thought, maybe he'll sleep through it, spare him the trauma of therapy in a few years anyway.

And now, he waited.

9:12 PM

"Hey Carisi, I know you're probably busy finishing up on that lead Dodds sent you on. I just wanted to leave you a message and let you know that I'm leaving Barba with Liv at the hospital. Captain benched me so I'm going back to the hotel to get some rest. Call me and let me know if you get anything!"

She knew he wouldn't answer. It had been exactly what she was banking on.

2 motels down, 4 more to go. She thought she'd missed the country when she moved to New York City, the quiet open roads where civilization seemed to be far and few between. Now she realized that was wrong. The silence here was crushing, she knew the monster that lurked around the corners, and yet no matter how long she seemed to give chase...she worried she wouldn't be able to find him.

These motels were spaced so far apart she'd be lucky if she made it through all of them by the time the sun was up.

Time seemed to pass far too slowly and at the same time too fast. There's long intervals where the radio cut out and static became her only companion. One motel, two motels...She'd stopped at a gas station to get coffee. Her eyelids felt like bricks, but she pressed onward. Close, similar plates, but no dice.

Despair became her friend next. What if this was all in vain? What if he was pulling her chain when he called, said he was still there. He could have killed Michelle and immediately dipped out, for all they knew he could have already passed state lines with Noah in tow. But Olivia was still alive and so long as she was still alive that would be enough to keep him around, at least temporarily, wouldn't it?

The third motel she had thought she'd gotten luck. Same make, different model, different license plate. It was crushing. One more to go.

The time plastered across her phone was near blinding. 5:24AM

She hated to admit it, but the severe lack of notifications on her phone left her feeling relieved. No one had thought to check on her, and unfortunately it would seem that their lead hadn't panned out. That was okay, they were still going to find him. They were still going to-

The last motel was this quiet sleepy thing. Reminded her of the motel from Psycho, with it's quiet yet tense charm.

She hadn't thought to kill the headlights before pulling up into that dingy little motel lot.

They'd shined like slits between the drapes into the room.

Lewis would be lying if he said he wasn't a little disappointed, that was as big a rookie mistake as you could get, "Amanda...Getting sloppy? Come on, you're better than that..." He tsked, watching with a careful eye through the crack of the drapes as the blonde exited her vehicle, stopping briefly as she looked around at the cars, eyes settling on Michelle's with a narrowed gaze, before she turned into the main office. He knew exactly what would be waiting for her, and that now was the true test. Was she stupid enough to take the bait or had he underestimated her just as he had Olivia all those years ago...No,he'd learned his lesson the first time. He knew what she would do.

They said love blinded you. Well, love had blinded Olivia Benson and it had caused her downfall and now? Now it would be Amanda Rollins who made the same mistake.

"Showtime, kiddo." He let the curtain fall back into place before sauntering over to the bed, ruffling the chocolate locks of his currently indisposed victim, "See you in the morning."

Even in the night, the moon glints sharply against the tire iron he'd found in Michelle's car, "Guess I'll get to use this after all."


Her drive through the lot is slow, but quick. There's only 4 cars there, anyway. Hope dwindles in her mind, almost fizzles out when she spots the car.

Same make, same model.

License plate QJS...5842.

She feels an icy chill cause the hair on the back of her neck to stand. She's got him. Parked right in front of room 12.

It takes nearly 2 seconds to park(crooked albeit but that really didn't matter), and hop out. The office was open, she breathed a sigh of relief before walking in.

"'Cuse me, hi, my name is Amanda Rollins and I'm an NYPD Detective." She flashes her badge to the bored clerk, "I'm looking for a witness in a recent homicide investigation and happened to notice a car that looks like the one he was last seen in. It was parked outside of room 12, now, I'd hate to have to bring about unnecessary damages so I was wondering if you could lend me the master key? I can check it out for myself?" She bats her eyelashes and turns on her southern charm more fierce than she ever had before, just praying for this to go smoothly.

"In a homicide? You sure?" He said, glancing over his book, "Guy in room 12 was traveling with his son, doubt he's who you're looking for…"

Amanda had to take a step back to catch her breath, a man with a kid, this was it! This was Lewis! "Best if I just check it out, now the key?"

"Here you are ma'am." He handed her the master key, blushing a bit at her charm.

"Thank you!" She had to contain herself to keep from running in guns blazing after all she wasn't willing to risk Noah's life. The walk to his room made it feel like she was walking down death row.

The past couple of nights had been cooler than most but the air tonight was humid and stagnant, reminded her of Georgia nights as a teenager, the lack of a breeze causing sweat to slick the back of her dress-shirt to the nape of her neck and her hair to fall flat(though that was probably due to it remaining unwashed for the past few days, finding she didn't have the time or energy to properly maintain it). The heat is suffocating, stifling, compared to the cold of New York's unforgiving winter and she has to fight the urge to brush her hair out of her face, fearing that any sudden movement would somehow alert Lewis to her presence. She stops in front of the door, hand shaking ever so slightly as she placed the key in the lock thinking how lucky for her this motel was old enough and small enough that they had no use for key cards, while her other hand slowly closed around the hilt of her gun, drawing her weapon from the holster and holding it low to the ground, her finger poised on the trigger; she had to ready to fire at a moments notice, he could not survive this time. When she pushed the door open immediately she noted the stillness of the room, the silence, the darkness...Well, all except for the sliver of light she could see from the bathroom. Checkmate you son of a bitch.

Her eyes moved from the darkened corners, to the chairs and little table, to the nightstand and up to the bed-

And there, lying still in that bed, deep deep in unconsciousness, was the beloved boy who affectionately dubbed her Auntie Amanda.

"Noah," Her voice was barely above a whisper and any thoughts of how this would go down; of the light under the door, of her job on the line, of all of her years on the force, her training, of Liv, of Carisi, of Fin, of Lewis! None of it mattered now. What mattered now was Noah, getting him out of there, out of harm's way. Just seeing him lifting such a heavy weight off her chest, she never thought she'd see that sweet little face ever again-! Before she could stop herself her body lurched forward, to the side of the bed, her finger left the trigger and she reached a hand out to touch Noah and make sure he was still warm-

She was so stupid.

BAM!

Everything went black.


Playing her had been by far the easiest thing he'd done since escaping. No, as soon as she saw precious little Noah her guard fell and, stepping out of the closet to hit her in the back of the head with the tire iron had been one fluid movement for him. One that felt familiar, welcome, "Hi there Amanda," His grin split from ear to ear as he stared down at the crumpled form, "so nice of you to join us." He dropped the bloodied iron on the floor, lifting the detective.

The sliver of moonlight that shown through the door illuminated her face, relaxed in a way that it had not been over the past few days, and gave her hair an even paler blonde appearance which contrasted greatly with the darkening patch of red, dripping from a cut on the back of her head.

"Mm, maybe I hit you a little hard there huh?" He mused, opting to lift her bridal style before setting her down on the bed, producing a roll of duct tape from the dresser drawer, "You know one thing you have to admire about me is that I learn from my mistakes." The snap of the duct tape was loud, brutal, and he loved it, "You people tend to run the same vicious cycle, don't you?"

This, this was what he had truly missed.