Author's Note: ...
Why did she do it? Why couldn't she stop herself? Dutch knew that Sarah had blown up their entire friendship with a truckload of tannerite and he felt miserable at the inability of his atrophied little arms to do anything about it. He paced about his room, the forlorn figures of the stuffed animals that lined his walls watching him in silent fear that he might set up another "tea party" for one of them to partake in.
Dutch thought that Sarah was fine with being his alibi to maintain his identity as an undercover brother, but over the past four years of non-stop girly crap their bond must've grown too tight. He stopped and his eyes fell upon Mister Yum Yum, his oldest and most prized playmate. The stuffed rabbit dripped with terror sweat as Dutch wrapped his hands around its throat.
"Ready for a tea party, Yum Yum?" Dutch asked darkly before taking the rabbit to a small white table and putting him down on a tiny stool. Dutch set the table with a tea pot and tea cups before taking his belt off and tightening it in his hands. "Tell me, Mister. Tell me why Sarah did this and we can make this a play date and skip the movie." Mister Yum Yum played it cool and tried to contain the maniacal sobs that threatened to escape his lungs made of cotton.
"Double D," Dutch whispered to himself as the belt drooped limply at his side like Rolf's manhood at a vegan cookout. This all must be the sockheaded boy's fault. It was clear that since Edd never returned Sarah's crush on him all these years that she had turned to Dutch as her fallback boyfriend. "I will have to teach that dirty little boy a valuable lesson. The tea party is cancelled, Yum Yum. I need to make room for the next guest I shall host." Mister Yum Yum sighed with relief as Dutch latched up his belt, his thoughts now dedicated to punishing the bitch with the stinky hat.
Jonny sat hunched over in his backyard staring at Plank, who gazed back at him as he stood propped up against a can of Crisco. After Jonny had told Plank about he and Nazz officially tying the rope of romance in the lane, Plank hadn't stopped laughing for the past ten minutes and it was starting to piss even Jonny off. He was used to the sound of mocking laughter but this was a little much.
"I'm done now, Jonny. You can stop being a bitchass mope," Plank said to Jonny as his heehawing subsided at long last.
"Finally! I swear Plank, sometimes I think you only hang around me because you get a kick out of talking crap!" Jonny related.
"Don't be ridiculous," Plank replied as he crossed his tree branches.
"Besides me and Nazz's special relationship isn't what I really wanted to discuss anyway!" Jonny began. "I wanna know why you're keepin' up this charade about birdwatchin'! Nazz didn't seem too convinced by it and she ain't the brightest plant bulb in the garden ya know!"
"That's fucked up of you to say that about your new girlfriend," Plank mocked. "Besides, it was totally birdwatchin' like Eddy said. I got to watch you get stuffed like a bird!"
"Why are you coverin' for Eddy?! You told me what you saw and now you're takin' it back!" Jonny shot back.
"It's called an honest mistake, Jonny. Now c'mon, let's forget all this damn birdwatchin' bidness and get back to the latest issue of Conrad the Lonely Stump Humper."
"You know what, Plank?! You're... you're..."
"The best fuckin' friend a loser like you could hope for?"
"You're a jerk! I don't need you, I don't need birdwatchin', and I don't need medication!" Jonny yelled before slapping Plank across his yard. The backscratcher hit the fence and fell face up onto the grass. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go meet my swingin' new girlfriend Nazz out in the middle of the woods like she told me to!" With that, Jonny hopped off toward the fence at the back of his yard.
"You'll be back you bald motherfucker!" Plank yelled after him. "Also bring me back an ice pack too. Watchin' them birds with the Kankers is rough stuff."
Ed and Edd were laid out in the middle of the Cul-De-Sac covered in sweat and bits of whipped cream. Ed laid there hoping that the sun would cook him up like buttered toast while Edd hoped a car would run him over and end this existence of suffering at long last.
"*Guffaws* double d we left eddy behind ahahaha maybe the kankers are helpin him look for his dads slicer," Ed said.
"I sure hope so. Eddy's dad is a big man and I'd rather not have those gorilla hands of his choking the life out of me," Edd responded. "In any case, we best be off! No telling when those cantankerous miscreants may come prowling into the Cul-De-Sac searching for us!"
"*Guffaws* how about we hide at rolfs again ahahaha"
"Yes, because that went splendid the last time," Edd said before craning his neck up when he heard the sound of a steam whistle go off.
"Ed! Get off the ground and come over here so I can knock you to the ground!" Sarah screamed as jets of extreme heat shot out of her ears.
"Oh dear, let's run to Rolf's, Ed!" Edd cried as he tried to pry Ed off of the asphalt.
"*Guffaws* oh boy here we go again ahahaha," Ed said as Sarah grabbed Edd and piledrived him into the street to silence the gabby boy. She then began kicking Ed in the kneecaps.
"You know you're supposed to be grounded! Do you even know what that word means, idiot?!" Sarah shouted before dropping an elbow onto Ed's stomach, causing a stream of gravy to shoot forth from Ed's mouth like the blowhole of a majestic whale.
"*Guffaws* please sarah stop beating poor ed ahahaha let the sun make my skin golden brown in peace," Ed pleaded as Sarah dragged him over to the sidewalk and put his teeth against the curb. Edd suddenly woke up from his coma and began crawling over to the raging tyke.
"Desist, Sarah!" Edd cried as he grabbed Sarah's leg to prevent her from kicking the back of Ed's head.
"Desist?! Sure! Then I'll just stop beating Ed and tell Mom instead!" Sarah threatened, prompting Ed to lift his head and bash his teeth against the curb.
"*Guffaws* no dont tell mom ahahaha see sarah teeth all gone liek u wanted," Ed said helpfully as Sarah's grimace curled into a depraved smile.
"Thank you big brother! But I lied, now it's Mom time!" Sarah said before grabbing the collar of Ed's jacket. Ed dug his fingers into the sidewalk and held onto it for dear life.
"I beg of you to relent, Sarah!" Edd pleaded once more. "Eddy and I need Ed for our own plans that in no way involve you, Kevin, the Kankers, or anyone else in the Cul-De-Sac!" Sarah let go of Ed's collar and let the boy drop to the ground so he could collect his teeth.
"I'm a big fan of plans that don't involve me, Kevin, the Kankers, or anyone else in the Cul-De-Sac!" Sarah admitted. "So just this once, I'll do the sane thing and let you two off the hook!"
"Oh thank you for your understanding, Sarah!" Edd said, relieved. "I always knew you were the reasonable one in this Cul-De-Sac of sociopaths! A truly noble step you've taken in the order of little sisters, and I hope to see other younger siblings take after your kind example and prove to their older brothers that they can be loved and revered instead of-"
"Instead of running your mouth just shut up, nod, and be happy!" Sarah screamed at the top of her lungs while Edd's heart dropped to the bottom of his chest.
"Yes m'am, good boy Double D present and accounted for," Edd said back meekly.
"Good! Now I'm going to walk away for my own plans that in no way involve you, Ed, Eddy, or Kevin!" Sarah replied before scampering off.
Jonny had never felt so good in his life. He no longer had to put up with Plank's insults. He no longer had to worry about birdwatching. And he had thrown his pills into a sewer drain. He now was free to swing from branch to branch in the woods completely naked while screaming like Tarzan. Which he was currently doing and it was fun as hell.
"Free at last! Harriet Tubman would be proud!" Jonny cried as he let the wind run freely across his exposed body.
"Ah there you are Jonny the wood boy!" Rolf shouted up at Jonny from the ground below. He was wearing his Urban Ranger uniform and he had Victor and Wilfred with him. They were also wearing Urban Ranger uniforms. "Rolf would like to invite you to the latest meeting of the-" Rolf stopped and stared up at Jonny in the buff hanging by the branch with one arm and scratching between his legs with the other.
"This is completely normal in our country, Rolf!" Jonny yelled down.
"So it is! But Rolf must now recuse himself as instead of an Urban Rangers meeting, Rolf must gouge his eyes out with a potato peeler!"
"But I thought you already did that?!"
"Rolf's aim was off the first time!" Rolf said before picking up his rucksack and carrying on his merry way. Jonny hung from the branch for a second and stared after him.
"Now off to meet up with Nazz!" Jonny said to himself before dropping down to the ground and running through the brush. He slowed down when he heard the sound of censored cussing and girls moaning. "Oh no, are they filming an adult film out in the woods? What has Peach Creek sunk to!" he said to himself as he creeped and crawled across the dirt and hid behind a bush.
Jonny peered out of the bush and into a small clearing where he saw clothes strewn across the ground. First he saw a yellow polo shirt, a pair of pants with a piss stain on the crotch, and an empty wallet. Then he saw two black and white shirts, two pairs of pants, and bras with leaves stuffed in them. Then he saw a midget, two hicks, and a bunch of ice cubes.
"Plank is gonna be so mad when I tell him how wrong he was," Jonny said before sneaking away from the bush to go find his clothes. Finally he had what he needed to one up that smarmy backscratcher and the proof was what he just saw.
Rolf looked proudly over his work on his yard, admiring the fresh trim of his lawn and the new shit pit he had dug for Victor and Wilfred. Or he would admire it, if he hadn't gouged his eyes out with a potato peeler. He suddenly whipped a pitchfork out of his pocket when he heard someone approach him from behind. "Who dares trespass into Rolf's domain! Have at you foul demon!"
"Calm down, Rolf! It's just me, Dutch!" Dutch cried as Rolf prodded the tongs of the pitchfork at him.
"Ah, so it is duck-and-cover-Dutch!" Rolf said as he lowered his pitchfork. "Rolf shall grab a bundle of fags to start a warm fire for us to enjoy instead!"
"What did you just call me, you ruffian?"
"Your name is Dutch, is it not?" Rolf inquired.
"Never mind that. Sadly I have no time to warm my buns next to a fire because I'm looking for Sarah," Dutch related as Rolf wiped wet blood from his sunglasses.
"Rolf believes he heard the sibling of the head-like-a-bobby-pin Ed-boy making dog tracks to the constructing site! Be careful of the cranes, Rolf has heard many a tale of a young worker hauled off by the beasts to who knows where!"
"Cranes? You know they finished construction years ago, right Rolf?" Dutch asked.
"Did they now? Rolf did not know as his eyes have scabbed over and he could not see!"
"But your eyes have only been like that for... never mind that, I'm off to find Sarah!"
"Good luck in the hunt for the young one, watch-your-back Dutch-boy! Rolf would assist you but the chores never end in this house of mine!" Rolf said before taking a step to his left and falling in the shit pit. Dutch stared after him for a moment before continuing toward the Construction Site.
Jonny vaulted the fence into his yard and scanned around for his little friend who was a whiz at fixing itchy backs. He wasn't able to find his clothes but he lucked out and everyone had disappeared for some strange reason. "Yo Plank! Come out here so I can tell you how wrong you were!" Jonny ordered as he searched around his backyard. He came upon the spot where Plank was laying when he left and saw a sticky note that said "See ya fucker! I'm off to see a Beatles cover band without you!". Jonny screamed in pain as he fell to his kneecaps.
That was the final straw. This was all Eddy's fault for filling Plank's head with lies. Jonny realized the only thing he wanted to do that day now was make Eddy pay dearly for a ruined friendship and find a new pair of clothes before he got run into a cell for streaking again.
Kevin sat on the sidewalk of the adjacent Cul-De-Sac, which everyone still called the Construction Site because they were sentimental over their loss of their favorite dangerous play area. He tossed aside the Spring Issue of Jiggy Girls when he saw Sarah walking toward him.
"What's the haps, little babe?" Kevin asked a mortified Sarah.
"We're cool but not that cool," Sarah replied. "But listen, I have some intel to share on the Eds but not here! There could be dork spies!" Kevin and Sarah looked around and spotted a suspicious bush sitting in the middle of the street.
"We're onto you losers!" Kevin screamed before tossing a hacksaw at the bush, prompting Edd to run crying from the bush and back to his house for a band-aid.
"Nailed that rotten spy!" Sarah complimented before Eskimo kissing Kevin, which was a sign of trust in their secret Masonic cult.
"Let's head over to the lane where it's more private. In my experience, dorks tend to multiply when you're not looking," Kevin suggested before leading Sarah over to the lane. Neither of them noticed the butt bandit shadowing their every step.
Kevin and Sarah climbed into a dumpster upon reaching the lane and closed the lid.
"So after mercilessly beating my older brother as usual, Double D told me they had plans that didn't involve me, you, the Kankers, or anyone else," Sarah revealed as Kevin battled off a legion of flies.
"Then that settles it," Kevin replied. "The trail has run cold, the dorks ain't up to shit."
"You're messing with me, right?" Sarah asked. The two of them reeled back when the lid suddenly opened up, light spilling in. Dutch jumped inside of the garbage soup with them and shut the lid behind him.
"What the fuck, fluffy?! I didn't know you were playing for the other team!" Kevin cried.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Dutch asked.
"You know, the other team? The dorks?"
"Oh. I'm not working for any dorks!" Dutch replied. "I just want in on whatever naughty things you guys are plotting in this trash heap."
"We're plotting an epic take down of the Dork Nation led by Eddy. You in?" Kevin said.
"All in, baby," Dutch said before cackling. Sarah looked over at Dutch and blushed before giggling. Dutch's face drooped and he stared at the corner of the dumpster. Kevin looked back and forth between the two.
"What the hell is going on here?" Kevin asked as he pried a raccoon off the back of his head.
"Nothing! Dutch and I are cool!" Sarah responded. "Ain't that right, Dutch? We're cool, right?"
"Depends. Are we friends?" Dutch inquired.
"Even better than friends!" Sarah responded.
"Then no. We're not cool," Dutch replied.
"Slightly better than friends?"
"Getting closer."
"On the path to marriage?"
"Just forget it. The point is that I'm willing to work with both you and Sarah to bring down those rotten dorks."
"Don't you fucking steal my line, butt boy," Kevin threatened. "But you're allowed in as long as you don't squeal. You're not a squealer, are ya?"
"Only if there's a big hairy bear involved!" Dutch replied.
"Good, bears are dorks anyway and not allowed in our club. Now what skills do you bring to the Anti-Dork Alliance?"
"I know exactly how to get the Eds to talk is my skill! Not to mention if we need to take lunch breaks in between our plotting I can cook a mean omelet!"
"Take it from me - pass on the omelets," Sarah whispered to Kevin who nodded at her sage advice.
"Good, then-" Kevin was interrupted when someone knocked on the side of the dumpster. They all froze in fear, scared it was the fuzz out looking for homeless people living in the dumpsters again. The lid opened and let light inside to reveal the face of Jonny.
"Hey guys! Have you seen my clothes?! I can't find them anywhere!" Jonny asked as they stared up at him.
"Why don't you just go back to your house and grab some new clothes then, balloonhead?" Sarah asked angrily.
"I was gonna but then I remembered my parents sewed all my other clothes together to make a new mood rug for the living room!"
"What the heck's a mood rug?" Sarah asked. Kevin suddenly yanked Jonny inside the dumpster and he fell face first next to Dutch.
"Nice cheeks," Dutch complimented as Jonny readjusted himself and forced his head above trash level.
"Listen balddork, you're getting press ganged into the Anti-Dork Federation. You in or do I have to start winding up a mega punch to take you out in one blow?"
"Sounds good to me, buster! Taking down Eddy was the other thing I had on the agenda today anyway!" Jonny said excitedly.
"Why do you have it out for Eddy?" Dutch asked. "Did he call you a weak twink then burn a pride flag on your front lawn?"
"Uh... no?" Jonny responded.
"Only me then. Right."
"Small talk is for losers!" Kevin yelled, his voice echoing in the dumpster and clearing the air. "Now tell me what the hell your plan to get the Eds to talk is, Dutch, before I kick you and Jonny out on your asses!"
"The Eds are terrified of you and Sarah, but it's clear you're not enough to get them to talk! However, I know three sassy lassies who could get their mouths flapping faster than birds going south for the winter!" Dutch began as everyone leaned in, Jonny wincing in pain at the mention of birds. He now understood why Eddy hated them.
Eddy's door slid closed behind him as he stumbled into his room, ice cubes spilling out of his pants and sliding across the floor and knocking into his dresser. He fell down onto his bed and screamed into a pillow, wishing he could just get away with one uncensored curse word. But the author wouldn't let him.
He was lost, confused, and worst of all had lost all feeling in his groin. The days of constant exposure to the cold had numbed his nerve endings beyond repair. He had thought at first that hooking up with three irresistibly fine chickadees like the Kankers would be sweet, but he realized he was a fool for ever trusting them. They knew that he hated them with all the strength his heart could muster, and they were punishing him for it.
"Excuse me, Eddy, but I'd like to start speaking to you again!" Edd yelled out from a nearby phone receiver. Eddy grabbed the phone weakly.
"F** s*** d*** c***," Eddy mumbled.
"I wish you'd crack open a dictionary and expand your mind just once, Eddy," Edd replied from the other line as he applied a fresh bandage to his battle wound from the front lines of World War Dork.
"My parents don't trust dictionaries, they keep telling me that the CIA is rewriting them covertly or some s***," Eddy answered. "Sorry about putting your gaptooth a** on hold, but my parents asked me to mow the lawn and I had to get some more ice cubes after quality time with the Kankers."
"Oh God, Eddy!"
"I know, they even forced me to use a f***ing push mower. It was torture."
"Not that, Eddy! You just said the Kankers got you after all! You have no idea how horrible I feel! Ed and I had to run for the hills! Y-You understand, right?"
"It's fine, sockhead. They just kissed me a bit. But that's all."
"A-Are you sure, Eddy? Your voice is uncharacteristically quiet right now."
"I already used up all my energy screaming in the woods for anyone, somebody to save me. I don't even know if I can yell anymore," Eddy said meekly.
"Jesus, Eddy, do you want me to start crying? All they did was kiss you, right?"
"Yes. Nothing else happened. Absolutely nothing else," Eddy answered. For the first time in his life, he actually felt bad lying to Edd. He knew he had to spare his feelings though because he wasn't in the mood for Edd's whining.
"Then in reality this is a blessing in disguise!" Edd stated as Eddy heard him flipping through the pages of his math homework on the other end of the line.
"How the f*** is me getting kissed by the Kankers for like the four hundredth time in my life a blessing?"
"Because it means they won't take it any farther! All they want is kisses! That means there's still hope!"
"Didn't Marie try to grab your d*** in like chapter three?"
"That was a fluke clearly. The point is that I think it's time we remedy our Kanker problem once and for all before they finish their micro-evolution into sexual offenders!" Eddy gripped the phone for dear life.
"D-Double D. If you f***ing say we should be nice to them instead of call the cops on them, I'm gonna freak."
"Um... well... the former."
"H*** does that mean?" Eddy asked. He heard Edd let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the line.
"The first one."
"F*** no!" Eddy screamed as ice cubes exploded out of his pants and all feeling returned to his body. There was no way he could let Ed or Edd anywhere near the Kankers. On one hand, the Kankers might spill the beans on Eddy doing the sideways twister with them to his two best friends and bring great shame and dishonor to House Eddy. On the other hand, the Kankers might try to pull the same stunt on Ed and Edd and he would hate to see his two best mates have to suffer through a ride on the Kanker rape train. Because that's what it was. A big ass train made of Kanker rape.
"E-Eddy? Are you okay? D-Do you need me to come over and change your ice diaper?" Edd asked timidly, worried that Eddy had hung himself with the phone cord.
"D-Double D..." Eddy moaned into the line as the last remaining ice cubes slid down his legs and entered the darkness of his shoes. As his socks began to get soaked thoroughly, he realized what he had to do to keep Ed and Edd safe from the too hot to handle harlots. "We... we can't be friends anymore."
"What.. what are you talking about Eddy?" Edd asked. Eddy said a lot of crazy things but this was getting into bonkers territory. He couldn't really mean it, right?
"I... I made a mistake Double D. And now I have to pay the price. You and Ed need to stay away from me. For... for your own good," Eddy said into the line before grabbing some tissues and shoving them up his nose. He realized too late they were already used and abused the prior night.
"But... but... why?" Edd asked before kicking Jim across his room. He began to tear up as Jim's spines took their revenge and dug into his leg.
"It doesn't matter... all you need to know is that you need to stay the h*** away from me. If I catch you two trying to get anywhere near me, I'll punch your lights out!" Eddy screamed into the phone before ripping the cord out of the wall and carrying the phone off with him outside so he could run it over with the push mower.
Eddy felt pretty shitty right now, and he guessed Edd probably did too. He knew cutting his best friends out of his life for seemingly no reason would worry Edd, but he had to hurt them to protect them from being hurt. And the best way to protect them was to be nowhere near them.
"This seems like something my brother would do..." Sarah whispered to Kevin, Dutch, and Jonny as she they stood outside the entrance to Park N' Flush. Dutch had told them the best way to get insight into the insidious plot of the Ed-boys was to hire the Kanker Sisters. This prompted a round of ear-ringing screams from Jonny inside the dumpster and Kevin shouting about being single while making dents in the dumpster walls. "Is this your way of getting back at me, Dutch?" Sarah asked.
"Getting back at you for what?" Dutch asked coyly.
"Will you two lovedorks wire your traps shut?" Kevin demanded before wrapping his arms around his companions and pulling them in close. "Listen, I'm down with this fucktarded plan but the one rule is to not mention anything about street racing. Got it?"
"That's oddly specific," Dutch replied as he, Sarah, and Jonny nodded before breaking their meditation ring. The four of them then began sneaking through the trailers, being sure to tip-toe by Zeats' trailer as to not wake his big mean as fuck guard dog. They hid behind a crusty grill that needed a good scrubbing when they spotted the Kankers outside of their trailer. May was babbling like a kook while Marie and Lee split their attention between listening to her ode to truck tires and applying lead-based paint to their fingernails.
"Oh man, I wish you had let me at least borrow one of your sweaters, Dutch," Jonny mumbled as he adjusted his toga made of out stained shower curtains.
"You'll be fine, fathead," Sarah replied as she tried her best to remain hidden behind the grill. "I'm the only one allowed to wear Dutch's sweaters anyway."
"I'm revoking that privilege immediately," Dutch said as Sarah once again pouted.
"What did I just say about small talk?" Kevin said before grabbing Dutch by the arm. "You're the one who dragged us out to the Kankers' brothel so you do all the talkin', fluffy."
"Then what will you three do while I'm spinning the deal?" Dutch asked.
"I'll stand behind you and puff out my chest to show we take bench presses seriously in the Anti-Dork League," Kevin replied.
"I'll stand behind Kevin and make a mean face to intimidate them so they don't try anything funny," Sarah answered.
"And I'll stand behind Sarah while flicking them off for ruining the ice cubes I was saving for my alone time with Plank," Jonny chimed in.
"Can I stand behind Jonny with my arms crossed to show we mean serious business?" Dutch asked. Kevin shoved him out from behind the grill in response.
"You can stand out front and start talkin' or your Anti-Dork Gang hazing ritual starts now," Kevin said as he, Sarah, and Jonny followed Dutch toward the trio of titillating titty twisters.
"Check it out, girls. The circus is in town," Marie said before stuffing a hot dog into May's gob to plug it up. May savored it as it was her first real meal since they raided Rolf's fridge.
"Looks like they sent the freak show in first! What a shame, I was in the mood for some lion-taming too!" Lee said as the Anti-Dork Cadre froze in their tracks a few yards away.
"Right... well we're here to-" Dutch began before May began trying to talk, sending small chunks of soggy doggy bun bits showering over his face.
"*snort* are yall here for da birdwatchin sessions lmao sorry but male clientele only," May said before rubbing her happy tummy while Jonny flinched like an epileptic behind Sarah.
"No actually we're here to-"
"Tell us what you're out here for then and stop wastin' our valuable time we're busy wastin'!" Lee demanded.
"If you let me talk I'll get to that!" Dutch cried.
"Then get talkin'!" Lee said as Marie fidgeted like a maniac behind her.
"My companions and I are here to-"
"Are y'all here to clean the lint from between our toes with your tongues?" Marie asked, releasing the pressure building up inside of her before it exploded out of her ass.
"We're here to make a proposition!" Dutch finally screamed out. Kevin, Sarah, and Jonny ducked behind him like they heard an artillery shell screaming down toward them.
"Well why didn't ya say that in the first place?! We love propositions!" Lee stated as the Kankers walked over and stopped in front of Dutch. "But since there's only three of us and four of y'all, it looks like two of ya are proposing to Marie! She's down with polyamory!"
"Awesome. I get a wedding ring on each hand," Marie said.
"Unfortunately we four already married each other and cheating isn't in my blood!" Dutch replied nervously. "But this is still a romantic proposition! It involves those three conniving scumbuckets you girls love to chase around and a secret plan they're undertaking!"
"*snort* scumbuckets lol i know ur talkin bout da eds," May said. "*snort* wut are they plannin a bank heist cuz we want in."
"It could be a bank heist! Or a terrorist attack! Or perhaps they're sending radio signals to aliens to abduct us all!" Dutch replied. "But we need you girls to interrogate the Eds for us so we can find out!"
"Me and the girls have a way with words! We'll have those boys singing like canaries in no time!" Lee said as May and Marie practiced purple nurple torture techniques behind her. "But what are you gonna give us in return? The marriage vows are still on the table ya know!"
"Street racing!" Jonny suddenly cried out. Kevin decked him across the face and he fell into the Kankers' clothes bin.
"*snort* street racing rofl we already smoked kevin and we dont have more gas cuz marie huffed it all," May replied. Marie decked her across the face and she fell into the clothes bin.
"The only thing you whoredorks smoked is pole! You murdered my motorcycle!" Kevin yelled. "I'll forgive you if you help take down the Eds and drop some roses on my bike's grave!"
"I'm savin' my roses for May's grave when she eventually drowns in the creek!" Lee answered. "You're the one who should be apologizin' anyway! I dented my passenger door when I accidentally ran you off the road completely on accident!"
"You can apologize by doing the skin shuffle with us on top of your bike's grave. I've always wanted to bone in a graveyard," Marie added, hoping the lewd act would raise the dead.
"Please can we all calm down! I'm starting to break out in hives!" Dutch cried. "I thought you guys would just use this as an excuse to see the Eds!" Marie and Lee fell silent for a minute and pondered the wonders of hair care products.
"What do you think, Lee? It's better than our usual excuse that we're magnetically attracted to the Eds," Marie said.
"Hey that's a real health issue! Remember that infomercial on fridge magnets?!" Lee replied. "But if you wanna know what I thunk, then I think you got yourself a deal there, curly-q!"
"Bring it in then!" Dutch beamed before going in for a hug to show his good will. Lee crossed her arms and slashed Dutch backward like a praying mantis.
"Physical contact costs extra!" Lee yelled.
"We can hug on a done deal instead!" Sarah said as she went in to hug the wounded Dutch.
"Kevin wants to hug me instead!" Dutch screamed before jumping into Kevin's arms.
"Can we be done with this dorkish nonsense? I still gotta find a pogo stick to vault back into my room before my parents get home," Kevin said before dumping Dutch into the Kankers' clothes bin.
"You heard the big strong man, girls!" Lee said as she hiked her pants up to her shoulder blades. "Time to roll out and transform into birds of prey on those Eds!"
"Guys I'm gonna have a breakdown! Can we stop with all the talk about birds?!" Jonny cried as he and Dutch laid on either side of May in the smelly clothes bin.
"*snort* calm down baldy lmao lets just enjoy dis moment were havin together chillin in da folds of my dirty laundry wit Dutch," May suggested.
"I'm chilled to the bone," Dutch snarked as he tried on one of May's bras for shits and giggles.
"That's the spirit, Dutch! Can I borrow one of your bras too? My nipples are rock solid and I think this shower curtain has termites in it!" Jonny pleaded.
"*snort* okay lol but only becuz dis iz gettin freaky in all da rite wayz," May said as she snuggled with her two new bottom boys in the depths of the soiled linen.
