Dear Readers,
Thanks for all your lovely comments and reviews, they've been a blast to read! I know I initially started this story as a light Hogwarts romance, but it's going to be a long complex story going beyond their school years. I know it feels like it's moving fast, and it is. But don't worry, it's all for a purpose. I appreciate your candidness, it helps me keep on track. I have big plans for this story, and a lot of sparks of inspiration so hopefully the updates will come more regularly.
Happy reading :)
~ silverstorme
08 | CROSSROADS
Carina stormed upstairs, angry tears blurring her vision the entire way. The fact that part of her felt completely heartbroken only angered her further.
Maybe you're not who I thought you were. James's words kept ringing in her ears until she could think of little else.
How dare he? She'd done everything for them! Never said no, never pushed for the truth. She's been a rock for them, steadfast and loyal. Dependable. So what if she'd been with Lucius Malfoy? What if she'd slept with him? It wasn't like the Marauders were fighting for her company in their fifth year- they were busy with their own adventures!
She pushed into the Gryffindor common room, counting her blessings that is was empty. Hopefully the dorm would be too. She was just about to push her way into the 7th year girl's bedroom when she heard hushed but urgent voices whispering furiously.
"What am I supposed to do?" Lily asked in a rare voice of panic.
"Calm down," Alice soothed. "It can't be that bad."
"Not that bad? Bloody hell Alice, I actually felt sad when he left the table to go after Carina. How am I supposed to take that?"
Carina froze on the other side of the door. Was she talking about James?
"Are you sure you weren't just annoyed?" Alice asked dubiously.
"No I was downright sad," Lily said fearfully. "And I shouldn't be. This was exactly what I've been wanting for years..." she trailed off uncertainly.
"You've got to be careful Lily," Alice warned cautiously. "If you're saying what I think you're saying..."
Lily gulped, staring at her friend wide-eyed. "I don't want to be," she whispered helplessly.
"But you are," Alice nodded. "You're jealous."
Lily didn't answer, looking down at her feet instead.
"Are you sure you're not just jealous about his shift in attention?" Alice tried. "I mean you've got to be absolutely sure, especially now that he's trying to date Carina. It's not worth you ruining something real they have for the sake of finally giving him a chance because you simply miss his courting."
"I know," she mumbled helplessly. "But isn't jealousy supposed to be anger? I just feel sad," Lily whispered. "Like I missed something really important."
"Bloody hell..." Alice whispered, realizing Lily was telling the truth.
"What do I do?" Lily pleaded with vulnerable eyes.
"What caused this now? You couldn't even stand him a few weeks ago!"
"Carina was right," Lily groaned. "He has matured- he's sweet, funny, and attentive! And he's been there the entire time."
Alice watched Lily in sinking curiosity as the witch thought of James with a dazed look on her face.
"I mean, yeah he's still showy, but he's just trying to get everyone to laugh. And he does care, he's rather detail oriented."
"You've got it bad, Lils," Alice grimaced.
"That's what I'm afraid of," she whispered.
"Do you want to tell him?"
"Should I?" she asked helplessly.
"If you tell him, you need to be at the point where you're ready to enter a serious relationship with him. Otherwise you'll be breaking up James and Carina for a passing fancy."
"I know," Lily groaned. "If my telling him would even break them up," she scoffed. "They seem like the perfect couple. He's finally matured for her."
"They have something real, Lily," Alice said sadly. "Are you sure it would be worth it?"
Lily froze. "Oh... she'd hate me," she groaned.
"I doubt Carina could hate anyone, much less you," Alice snorted. "But she won't stand in the way if you confess. She deserves her happy ending too, you know."
There was a long silence as Carina strained to hear what was happening beyond the door.
"You're right," Lily finally whispered despondently. "I'll drop it- it's my own fault for being so hardheaded. Carina saw his worth long before I did- he deserves someone like that."
Carina's stomach churned as she stumbled away from the door. Lily certainly wouldn't feel like she deserved James if she found out about her past with Lucius Malfoy. Despite the overconfident, suave boy he'd been when they were together, Lucius's transformation in their sixth year had been nothing short of drastic. In the time since, he'd called Lily a mudblood at least two dozen times in passing alone.
Besides, now that Lily had realized her feelings- or at least the feelings that could quickly bloom if given the opportunity- surely the point of their whole charade was over? James could take Lily to the ball.
Of course, she thought dryly with a pang of sadness. At this point, she was more scared of losing all her friends than she was of this facade of theirs coming to light.
Now that he had Lily, he had no reason to bother with her. She'd never seen James Potter so intensely angry in her life. James Potter didn't get angry. He was brash, impulsive, cocky. He got annoyed, he got testy, he could be triggered into lashing out. But he was never intensely and deeply angry. It was never in his nature.
Yet that's what she'd glimpsed in the depth of his eyes- the distrust, the betrayal, the rage. All cold and entirely unforgiving.
'She could always not tell him what she overheard,' the passing thought came to Carina. 'If only for a little while. After all, he was so angry now that he actually might cut her off if he got Lily at the end of the day.'
Carina shook her head, a small smile gracing her lips that never quite reached her eyes.
She knew what she had to do.
~o~O~o~
"James, you need to calm down," Remus said in an even tone.
James had stalked down to the lake while Carina had run for the stairs. He hadn't stopped pacing for the last fifteen minutes, not saying a single word. His face was set in a grim coldness they'd never quite seen from James. He was too impulsive to be this impassive.
"I'm perfectly calm, Moony," he sighed as he stopped to peer out at the lake.
"Right," Sirius snorted.
"How are you lot okay with this?" James whirled around, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Sirius you hate the Slytherins even more than I do!"
Sirius sighed, his hands finding his hair nervously. "I do..."
"But?" James raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"I trust Carina. If she said it's in the past, it must be."
James rolled his eyes, returning to his incessant pacing.
"Why are you so bothered?" Peter asked curiously. "So she'd been with Malfoy back in the day. So what? It's not like you two are actually dating."
James froze once again, his back to his friends. He'd been asking himself the same question ever since he stormed off. Why did he even care?
"Mate," Sirius prodded in concern. "It's still fake isn't it?"
Remus watched his friend knowingly as he forced himself to turn around.
"Of course it is," he insisted. "But that doesn't mean I can't be worried. Carina's alone now- do you know easy it is for them to target her? Especially if she was involved with one of them?"
"James, you're more than concerned- you're mad." Remus pointed out frankly.
"I'm mad she ever even put herself in that situation!" He burst out breathlessly.
"Like we haven't made enemies of them?" Peter snorted.
"But we have each other-" James argued.
"And Carina has us." Remus shrugged, unconcerned.
James growled in frustration, swinging around to pace some more.
"You know the problem?" He muttered out loud. "She's too bloody trusting for her own good. She'd probably give Lord fucking Voldemort a second chance if she could!"
Sirius rolled his eyes, fed up with watching James walk around like a mad man. He smoothly stepped into his path, forcing him to a stop as he looked up at them, nostrils flaring at the thoughts racing in his mind.
"That's one of the best parts about her," Sirius said frankly. "Remember when I sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack?"
The others nodded darkly, remember that stain on their history. They'd never come so close to things going so horribly wrong.
"Well she didn't even know what I'd done, but you lot weren't talking to me so she could tell something was wrong. You know what she said to me? That if I knew I'd done something wrong, the best way forward was to truly make up for it. It would never be exactly enough, but she said if we didn't even try, the whole world would be blind with revenge."
"Smart girl," Remus smiled.
"Can we please stop pretending it's the same? These are Death Eaters! Carina could be in real danger."
"And we'll protect her," Remus said again. "But why does it make you so mad?"
"I- she-" James opened and closed his mouth, struggling to articulate his thoughts. "She deserved better! Better than that slimy git. And to think- she thinks I'd have been just as bad," James scoffed angrily.
Ah.
So they'd gotten to the heart of it.
"Mate, she was talking about you in fifth year," Remus pointed out. "Even you have to admit, you had your head up your arse a bit back then."
"But I wasn't cruel," he pleaded intensely. "Was I?"
Peter shook his head but then shrugged. "But according to her, neither was Malfoy back then."
"If you hadn't started this whole fake dating thing with her," Remus asked, watching closely for his reaction. "How would you have taken the news?"
James shrugged, shuffling his feet. "I suppose I'd have been speechless. Shocked if anything."
"So what's making you mad now?" Remus prodded relentlessly. James resolutely stayed silent. "Did Malfoy's baiting get to you? Does it bother you that Carina was with someone other than us back then- someone other than you? That she truly did have her firsts with Malfoy of all people?"
"YES!" He shouted, glaring at the unsurprised werewolf.
His three friends stared at him, surprised by the frank outburst.
"But why?" Sirius asked softly. "You're not really with her."
"I- I don't know," James sighed, pinching his temple in frustration.
"Do you even still want Lily?" Remus asked without judgement.
"Of course I do." James said wearily. "Lily's always been it."
"So if Carina came up to you right now and told you Lily returned your feelings, you would go on as planned and break up with her?"Remus raised an eyebrow.
"Yes."
Remus and Sirius exchanged a glance. Despite all the signs otherwise, they could not hear nor see a hint of a lie in James's response.
"You know you need to apologize to her, right mate?" Sirius told him, surprised he was the more levelheaded one for once.
"I know," he groaned. "Seems like I'm always apologizing to her."
