Chapter 31 – The Trolley Problem

Fourth Year

"Alright, Sirius, just walk up to the window and go in. It's not that hard." Sirius told himself, for the fourth time in the past ten minutes. For the past half hour, Sirius had been standing – more like pacing – outside the visitors' entrance of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. After two weeks of insisting, Tawny had finally convinced him to make an appointment with Mungo's resident counselor, Aurora Delaney.

He kept telling himself he agreed to the appointment to please Tawny, but if he was being honest with himself, he needed help. His ability to fall asleep was abysmal at best, and when he did fall asleep, he kept waking up from nightmares. His restless nights began affecting Tawny's sleeping habits as well, and he didn't want to keep her up any longer. As for his days at home… those weren't going great either. With Tawny at work and Remus on the job hunt, most of his time was spent around the house, alone. Some days Harry would be there to keep him company, but most days he was at the burrow with the Weasley's.

Sirius couldn't blame them for being busy. His return wasn't cause for them to upend their daily lives. But being alone, consumed by his own dark thoughts… that wasn't helping him either. Tawny suggested he talk to Kingsley about getting his old job back at the Ministry whenever he was ready. He knew if he didn't talk to someone, he would have no hope of returning to his job as an Auror. So, he sent an owl to Aurora Delaney asking when she could schedule him in. 'Wednesday afternoon at two o'clock' was her response.

Forcing himself to go to the appointment, he arrived at Mungo's an hour early, but couldn't bring himself to enter the building. Time kept ticking by as his appointment was fast approaching. He had to going inside… He just needed a little push to get to the appointment. Channeling the strength, he walked up to the window to speak to the mannequin guarding the visitors' entrance.

"I'm here to see Tawny Lovegood." He said the familiar phrase.

"Welcome to St. Mungo's-" The mannequin began, but Sirius didn't wait for it to finish. He dove through the window, ending up in the crowded waiting room. Ducking his head, to keep from attracting unwanted questions, he slipped through the waiting room to the staircase.

Arriving on the 6th floor, the Department of Magical Deliveries, he quickly realized he had no idea where Tawny's new office was. She had told him about her promotion to department head but with this being his first visit to Mungo's since then due to his untimely imprisonment, he would need help to find her.

Looking to the front desk, he noted the familiar face of the witch behind the counter. A small witch with short black hair and bright green robes, Melinda, the department's receptionist for the past fifteen years.

"Hullo," He began as he approached the desk. "I'm looking for Tawny Lovegood's office. Could you show me where it is?"

"Ah, yes, just one moment, sir-" Melinda froze the moment she looked up from her notes to look at him. "Mr.-Mr. Black… I didn't realize…" she trailed off; her eyes wide. Melinda wasn't the only person to react this way in the past few weeks. Even though he had been absolved of the murder charges, many witches and wizards in the wizarding world still believed that he was a dangerous criminal.

"You're looking for Tawny?" A voice behind him asked. Sirius turned around to see a witch dressed in lavender robes, with her dark purple hair pulled back into a high ponytail carrying a patient's chart. "You're in luck, I was just on my way to see her. I'll take you." She said, waving her hand for Sirius to follow as she headed down the hallway.

"Thank you, Ms.…" He said catching up, hesitating at her name.

"Thornberry. Violet Thornberry, but you can just call me Violet or Vi."

"Oh, you're Tawny friend and right hand."

"I see you've been paying attention. And you're Sirius Black, fiancé turned fugitive, turned free man. Welcome back to the real world."

"Thanks," Sirius replied.

"You know you're the talk of the hospital? Everyone keeps going on about your trial, especially after Rita Skeeter released her latest article in the Daily Prophet. You're all anyone can talk about."

"And what are they saying exactly?"

"Half of them are terrified of you, like Melinda, the girl at the front desk. The other half love you. They were so proud of you standing up to the ministry and showing them just how big of a mistake they made. For the longest time, everyone was so deeply confused about your involvement in their deaths. Your trial showed them why."

"And what about you? Which side did you take?"

"I didn't choose one. I've heard way too much about you over the past thirteen years. If I didn't believe you were wrongfully convicted, I don't think I would've survived around Tawny this long." Violet laughed as she turned the corner. Sirius eagerly followed.

"Tawny really talked about me that much?"

"Are you kidding? You are the only man she's ever loved. I've watched her turn down many suitors over the years because she was too busy pining over you."

"Really?" Sirius asked out of surprise. He knew Tawny was absolutely beautiful, intelligent, and a complete catch when it came to a partner. However, he never pictured her with anyone else over the years. He didn't really want to. But she had options. Clearly, many options. He was glad she loved him enough to wait for him… but at the same time, he felt that he had robbed her of happiness for so long.

"Here we are," Violet said, arriving at Tawny's office. "Knock, knock!" She chirped as pushed open Tawny's door.

"Hey, Vi, is that the Ericson chart? You can just leave it on my desk." Tawny said, not looking up for the current chart she was studying intently.

"Yes, but forget the files. I brought you a surprise!" She said as she pushed the door fully open, exposing Sirius. Tawny immediately smiled, seeing her fiancé in the doorway.

"Sirius! What are you doing here?" She asked, walking around her desk. The moment she got to him, she reached up and placed a quick kiss on his cheek. "Isn't your appointment with Aurora Delaney soon?"

"It is, I just… I wanted to see you first."

"How about I walk you down there? Violet can you cover for the next… twenty minutes or so?" Tawny asked.

"The world shouldn't end in the next twenty minutes. If it does, it's still your responsibly not mine, so yes." Violet said with a wink.

"Thank you," Tawny replied, rolling her eyes at the ridiculous comment. She then took Sirius's hand in hers and headed down the hall towards the stairway.

"Are you ready?" Tawn asked him.

"Yeah… I think so. How do you know that this woman is good at this? Isn't her job to work with people that have irreparable spell damage?"

"She does work with them, like Alice and Frank Longbottom or Gilderoy Lockhart."

"I forgot about Alice and Frank… wait Lockhart? Wasn't that the Ravenclaw kid that used to be hopelessly in love with you back when we in school?" Sirius asked, unable to hide his laughter.

"It is. He taught at Hogwarts a few years back. He ended up trying to put a memory-erasing charm on Ron and Harry using Ron's broken wand. The broken wand deflected the charm in his direction causing him to severely obliviate himself. He's been up here ever since."

"Oh wow." Sirius had missed so much over the past fourteen years. Since when Lockhart become a professor at Hogwarts, and how knew he was disturbed enough to attempt to obliviate children. He definitely had more questions to ask Tawny later. "Was Delaney able to help him?"

"She does her best to help them, but she also works with their families. For example, Neville Longbottom comes in frequently to see his parents. She's spent many sessions counseling Neville about his life without his parents, at Hogwarts, and more. He told me it really helps. Besides, I came to her a few times myself."

"You did?" Sirius asked, surprised by her answer. Tawny was the queen of bottling up her emotions and locking them away. He couldn't believe she had willingly gone to a counselor.

"A few years after James and Lily died, I was still in really bad shape. I had been so caught up with raising Harry and working, I hadn't really had time for grieving and Remus was too. We were drowning. Remus suggested we see someone, so I set up an appointment for us. Aurora had just started that year, so we were her first real patients. Even though she was new she really helped us process our feelings and find a balance."

"She fixed you?"

"We weren't broken, Sirius, just in need of help," Tawny replied. "She helped us let go of the pain we were feeling from their loss, and to be honest yours. We were stuck in 1981, and we needed it to move forward. Not only for us but for Harry. He deserved to have all of us, not just parts of us."

For Sirius, Tawny might not have been broken, but he felt that he was. A part of him died the day that James did, and he didn't think he'd ever get that back. Was Aurora Delaney really going to be the person that put him back together?

"Here we are," Tawny said, stopping in front of Delaney's office. "Try to keep an open mind. Let her in. She can help you, but only if you let her." Tawny said before pulling him in for a hug. "When you get done you can wait in my office and we can go home together, okay?"

"Okay," Sirius replied, feeling nervous.

"I love you," Tawny called as she began to walk back down the hall.

"I love you, too," he replied, waving to her until she vanished around the corner.

Looking down at his watch he noticed it was exactly two o'clock. "Here I go." He told himself. With a deep breath, he knocked on the office door, part of him hoping for no response. Inside Delaney called back, "come in." So, with a second calming breath, he opened the door and entered her office.

"You must be Sirius! It's nice to finally meet you. I'm Aurora Delaney!" Aurora smiled, extending her hand to Sirius. Aurora Delaney was a petite woman with short brown hair covered in a bright red beret. Her white robes had deep red stitching on them. On her left breast pocket, beneath her name badge sat a yellow smiley face pin. The pin had been enchanted to shift between a happy and sad face every few seconds.

"Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice," Sirius said while shaking her hand.

"Of course, anything for Tawny," Aurora said while taking out a notebook and quill. "Let's begin, shall we? How about you tell me why you're here."

"I haven't been sleeping very well. I'm either not comfortable or I'm having nightmares."

"Tell me about these nightmares. What do they entail?"

"Most of them are vivid memories of that night… the night James and Lily died. I see James lying dead on his front lawn, the Potter house destroyed. Flashes of Tawny crying, begging me not to leave… then I see Peter and I fighting in the streets… green lights and thick smoke… and screaming… lots and lots of screaming…" The nightmares gave him shivers just thinking about them.

"How long have you been experiencing these?"

"Since that night… Every night, or every other night since they died. I thought that they were just a side effect of the dementors' influence, but I've still been having them since I've been home."

"If you've been having nightmares since then, I think we should start there. Do me a favor, close your eyes and take me back to that night. What happened?" Aurora asked her quill at the ready.

With a deep shaky breath, Sirius began to retell the tale.

Halloween, 1981

"Please!" Tawny begged, clutching his face in her hands. "Don't go, Sirius. I just lost James and Lily. I can't lose you too." This time she spoke more softly. With every word, Sirius could hear her voice breaking. "Please…"

"I have too." Said Sirius, speaking calmly for the first time. "I love you." With that, he stepped back out of her reach and apparated. He reappeared right outside of their front door and waited a moment. From outside he could hear Tawny, sobbing uncontrollably. Hearing her cry broke him even more than he already was. He knew if the pain she was feeling was anything remotely close to what he was feeling she had to be hurting like never before… but he couldn't stay. He had to go.

He ran to his motorbike, hopped on and speed out of the driveway. With his wand in hand, he cast a spell, causing every streetlamp to overheat, each of them bursting into sparks as he rode. When the last streetlamp blew, he flicked the switch on his right handlebar and pulled up. Within seconds the bike took flight.

As he rode, he tried to hold back tears that could block his vision of the night sky. It was such a clear, peaceful night, for the muggles anyway. If only they knew what effect the last hour had on the wizarding world… on him. He had originally intended to fly to Peter, but he found himself flying to the one person he'd rather see more than anything at that moment… James.

As he declined, he could barely see Godric's Hollow. From his view, the streetlamps surrounding the Potter house were blown out, similar to the ones in his neighborhood. He knew that couldn't be a good sign. He touched down on the street, pressing hard on the gas pedal to reach their house. He slowed down the moment he saw the wreckage…

Even though it was dark, the moon shined enough light for Sirius to see the second floor had been blown out in the front. Bits of siding and window frames covered the lawn. Broken glass was everywhere, even out in the street. He parked his bike and stepped foot on the grass, in horror at the scene in front of him. He didn't think it could get worse until… he spotted him… James laying in on the ground about five meters from him.

"James!" Sirius cried, throwing his helmet and rushing to his best mate's side. His feet were still on the walkway to the front porch, but his body laid on the lawn, pale and lifeless. His eyes were still open, and somehow his glasses hadn't shattered, but his wand was nowhere in sight. "No, no, no, no! Prongs… mate…no!" Sirius yelled, begging for James to wake up. For this to all be just an elaborate prank for them to laugh about in the morning… but no. He wouldn't wake up to his cries. "James..." He choked, before reaching a hand up to close James's eyes, and then broke down crying over James's body.

Sirius's heart ached… physically ached to see him lying there. His best mate who he had just seen a few days before was gone… James Potter was the one person that had never questioned would have his back to the very end of his days. That made him laugh like no other… his fellow mischief-maker… his brother… just gone in an instant. Gone because he made a mistake in choosing Peter.

When his parents died it hurt. Even if they were horrible, rotten people that cursed and beat him they still raised him. He remembered the days before Hogwarts, before Voldemort where he felt some sort of twisted love for them. When they died, he thought back to those memories and grieved the loss of who they used to be, not who they became. But that pain, that sadness didn't even compare to the loss of James Potter. To think that Lily was lying inside just like this… his heart couldn't take it.

He stopped crying the moment he heard loud footsteps coming from inside the house. He stood up, his wand raised, ready to attack anyone that dared disturb the Potter's house that night. "Who's there! Show yourself!" Sirius demanded. A moment later, taking a giant footstep through the doorway was none other than Hagrid, cradling a sleeping Harry, wrapped in a singed baby blanket. "Hagrid, thank Merlin it's you. Is Harry okay?"

"Ye best be staying' back, Sirius! I'm warnin' yeh!" Hagrid cried, tears streaming down his face. In his free hand, he held out his pink umbrella, with his wand enclosed inside, pointed directly at Sirius. Sirius couldn't help but notice his hand shaking slightly at his gripped it tightly.

"Hagrid, it's me, Sirius, I'm not going to hurt you or Harry. Now, please, give me Harry, let me take him home." Harry… his godson somehow survived the attack… he couldn't believe such a small boy could have made it through this, with only a scar on his forehead… It was a miracle.

"I can' do tha'! Dumbledore gave me orders, not ter trust anyone with 'Arry!"

"Hagrid, I'm his godfather! It's my job to take care of him!" Sirius pleaded with him, try to talk a step forward. But Hagrid pushed him back, jabbing his umbrella at Sirius.

"I don' care! I can' give em to yeh!"

"Please Hagrid," Sirius begged, "he's all I have left of them… please…"

"I can', Sirius. I can' trus' you right now. I can on'l trus' Dumbledore."

"Okay, fine. At least take my bike." Sirius insisted, giving Hagrid the keys from his pocket. "Harry's too young to be apparating. My bike is safer…" Hagrid stayed still, unsure if Sirius's gesture was genuine or not.

"Here," Sirius said, placing the keys on the walkway in front of him and backed up, with his arms raised. "Just please, Hagrid… keep him safe. I can't lose anyone else." Reluctantly, Hagrid tucked his umbrella under his arm and picked up the keys.

"Thank yeh." Hagrid replied before walking over to the bike. Hagrid cranked the bike, letting it roar to life. The noise scared a sleeping Harry, waking him instantly. In response, Hagrid tucked Harry into his coat, trying to conceal him from the noise of the motor as best he could. With one last look at Sirius, he rode off down the street, leaving Sirius alone.

As he recounted the memory, Sirius couldn't control his emotions. Tears poured down his face as he remembered that night. James being gone… Hagrid refusing to let him take his godson home… if only he had let him… maybe he wouldn't have ended up at Peter's that night.

"Keep going, Sirius. What happened next?" Aurora asked, urging him to continue.

With Hagrid gone, his anger resurfaced. Now, after seeing what happened to James, he couldn't control himself. The anger consumed him. With hot tears streaming down his face, and fists clenched, he focused solely on Peter and where to find him. He was the reason for this never-ending pain. He gave them up. He betrayed them… and he had to find him.

Next thing he knew he had apparated exactly where he needed. He appeared on the muggle street, right outside the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron. Peter had rented a flat on that street due to its proximity to Diagon Alley without the price of living in it. As if on cue, Peter walked directly out of the Leaky Cauldron, clutching a bag of leftovers. Upon seeing Sirius, Peter dropped the bag and backed up into the poorly lit street. "S-S-Sirius! W-W-What are you doing here?" He cried, as he nearly stumbled over the cobblestones.

"You know what I'm doing here Wormtail!" Sirius yelled, raising his wand. "How could you? I trusted you!"

"How could I? S-S-Sirius you must be mistaken!" Peter whimpered and backed away with every step Sirius took towards him. The commotion started to attract attention from passersby. All of them stopped in their tracks to stare at the two men arguing. Sirius didn't care how many muggles watched. The ministry could take his wand for all he cared for performing magic in front of muggles. This was too important.

"No! You did this!"

"W-W-What are you talking about Sirius? You-you were their secret keeper… James and Lily trusted you! You are the one that did this, not me! And now you're here to kill me!" Peter screeched as he stumbled backward on to the ground, right in front of a sewer drain.

"At least you have one thing right, Wormtail," Sirius said and fired off a warning spell, hitting the pavement in between Peter's legs. The cobblestones erupted, exploding into bits. Peter backed up in fright, only causing Sirius to continue fire. With each shot to the street, the exploding stones released dust forming a thick cloud around them. Sirius could still see Peter, through the fog but the rest of the street wasn't as clear as before.

"S-S-Sirius! Please, stop-p-p!" Peter yelled, as he quickly got back up on his feet. Instead of holding his hands out in front of him, he held them behind his back. Sirius thought it was odd but was too enraged to question it. "Don't do this! Don't be just like your parents… You've already killed James and Lily… don't do this to me!"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, Wormtail?" Sirius asked, confused. Why was he saying these things? Sirius knew it Peter was behind this. Why was Peter claiming that he betrayed James and Lily?

"Y-your parents were death eaters! I should've known you were one too!" A death eater? Sirius would never. What the bloody hell was happening? Did Peter really think that Sirius gave them up? Was Sirius wrong? Was Peter not responsible after all? More confused than ever, Sirius lowered his wand, afraid – just for a moment – that the had the wrong man at wand point.

"Peter-" Sirius said softly, stepping forward.

"No! No, Sirius, don't!" Before Sirius could question him a jet of green flew out from behind Peter, causing a blast so large it knocked Sirius on his back. Looking up through the smoke, he saw Peter, standing just a few meters in front of him, a knife in his left hand. A moment later, Peter had taken the knife to his right index finger and cried out in pain as the finger hit the pavement. He quickly tucked the knife in his pocket before, retrieving his wand from the ground.

"Wormtail… what have you done?" Sirius asked, pushing himself up.

"Goodbye, Sirius," Peter said, with a wicked smile on his face right as he tapped his wand to his head. He let it go, as he transformed from a man to a rodent right before Sirius's eyes and vanished down the sewer drain nearby.

"I played right into his hands…" Sirius choked before letting out another sob.

"Sirius, you didn't know-"

"How could I not have known? He was my friend, or at least I thought he was. I should've paid more attention. I shouldn't have picked on him as much. I should've treated him more like James or Remus… I should've known… and now James and Lily are dead because of my idiocy… I'm the reason they're dead!" Sirius's face fell into his hands as he sobbed uncontrollably.

How could he have been so stupid? He and Peter had been mates for nearly ten years. Ten bloody years! Eight of those had been spent in the same house, the same classes, the same dormitory. He has shared almost everything with Peter over that time. He has asked Peter to stand by his side alongside James and Remus when he was going to marry Tawny. He trusted Peter with his best friend's life… How did not see the signs of Peter leaving them for Voldemort? Hell, his animagus was a bloody rat? Was that not obvious enough?

"Sirius," Aurora spoke, trying to pull him out of his spiral. "When James and Lily asked you to be their secret keeper, you thought it was a bad decision. Tell me, why did you think that?"

"I… I thought I was the obvious choice." He choked. "That if Voldemort figured it out, that he would come directly after me, or worse, Tawny."

"At your trial, Severus Snape admitted that Voldemort believed that you were the Potter's secret keeper. You were right, Sirius. He would have come after you."

"I should have let him! I could have taken the torture! I would have rather died than hand over James and Lily!"

"And what if he came after Tawny? What if he took the woman you loved, and tortured her to the brink of death, threatening to kill if you didn't give him the Potter's location? Would you have given them up to saver her?"

"I… I…"

"It's okay if you would have chosen Tawny."

"What kind of person does that make me? Choosing Tawny is selfish of me! I was tasked to save James, Lily, and Harry! Harry was just a baby! I would be choosing her over the three of them!"

"And if you didn't, we'd be sitting here talking about how you blame yourself for her death, not theirs," Aurora stated, moving to take a seat next to a distraught Sirius. "Sirius, the muggles call this ethical dilemma the 'Trolley Problem'. The problem lies with a runaway train, barreling down the tracks, heading for one person, in this case, Tawny. You, the engineer, have a choice. You can either hit Tawny with the train, or you can pull a lever and divert the train onto another track. However, this course has more than one person, in your case James, Lily, and Harry. You are given the choice to save one person or many people. You either hit the woman you love or your best mate and his family. Sirius, it's an impossible choice. Either way, you lose."

"And that is supposed to make me feel better?"

"You see, Sirius, you found a solution to the Trolley Problem by shifting to a third, empty track. By choosing Peter as the secret keeper, the trolley was supposed to avoid both Tawny and the Potters."

"Supposed to. But it didn't. They still died."

"Yes, but that was unforeseen. Had Peter been on your side, like he was supposed to have been, everyone would have been safe. The choice you made was intended to save everyone."

"My intention means noting, right now! My choice got them killed!"

"But it wasn't a choice you made alone. Tawny testified during your trial that you came to her about your concerns. She agreed with you that changing secret keepers was the best plan. Then, you went to James and Lily who agreed as well. If you're going to blame yourself for their deaths, then you should also blame them."

"I can't blame them…"

"Then why do you blame yourself?" Aurora asked, but Sirius remained silent. "Sirius, everyone in your life – Tawny, Harry, Remus – they don't blame you for James and Lily's deaths. They have forgiven you for your decision. It's time for you to forgive yourself."

"What if I can't?" Sirius asked, looking up at her, his eyes filled with tears.

"Then your nightmares will continue, and your days will remain dark. Sirius, you have to forgive yourself and move on in order to move forward with your life. Your release from Azkaban has given you a second chance at life. By letting your guilt consume you, you're wasting this incredible opportunity. You have to let that guilt go."

After thirteen years of blaming himself how was he supposed to let go? The Wizengamot may have cleared him of the charges but he still felt guilty. What Aurora was saying made sense to him, but letting this pain and guilt go… it was ingrained in him. He wasn't sure if letting go was even possible.

"Have you returned to Godric's Hollow since that night?" She asked.

"No… I thought about going before I returned to Hogwarts, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't afford to be recognized."

"In the midst of all this guilt, you haven't allowed yourself to fully mourn the loss of James and Lily. They are buried in the cemetery at Godric's Hollow. I think it would help you to visit them and finally say goodbye. I could be the first step to you moving forward."

Stepping out of Aurora's office, he noticed a familiar face waiting for him. Sitting in a chair in the empty waiting room was Tawny. But the looks of it she had fallen asleep and was resting her head against the wall behind her. Looking down at his watch, it was nearly seven. He had been with Aurora for five hours… Tawny would have gotten off work at five on a normal day, meaning she had probably been waiting for him for almost an hour.

"Tawny," he whispered as he shook her shoulder, trying to wake her gently. "Love, wake up." After a moment, she blinked hard a few times and rubbed her eyes, trying to clear her vision.

"Hi, how did it go?" She asked, sleepily pecking him on the cheek.

"It gave me a lot to think about…There is somewhere I want to go, but I don't think I can go alone. Would you come with me?"

"Of course." She said smiling. "Let's go."