Alec awoke in a position that was definitely not comfortable. His head had slumped to the side due to his upright position and he was still in yesterday's clothes. But as he realised this, he also decided against moving as slumped against him was Magnus. It had been around two in the morning when he had picked up the last court statements and had started dozing off while reading them. Alec could practically recall them from memory and he had mostly spent his time watching Magnus read, occasionally sipping his third drink.
Last night had been good. Alec had always thought that sharing his burden with anyone else would only increase his worry, but instead he felt like the pit in his stomach had become a little less deep. Because Magnus could actually help. He had a calm, but optimistic view of almost any situation that perfectly complemented Alec's realistic, but hardened one. Alec had learned to expect the worst, so he prepared for that, but that threw up some barriers of possibility that Magnus could overcome.
But despite that little tip of light, Alec could not deny the clouds were looming over them. There were things that he needed to do to keep everyone safe. Magnus could help, but there were things that only Alec could do and decide. He took a deep breath. His ribs still hurt, but not as much as they had a week ago and he no longer winced in pain at the movement. His deep breath did, however, seem to stir Magnus awake.
He shifted and then seemed to realise the position he was in. Magnus sleepily blinked as he turned his head up to look at Alec.
'Morning,' Alec couldn't help the light smirk on his face as he watched how disoriented Magnus was.
'What time is it?'
Alec glanced at the clock: 'Quarter past seven. You slept in. Completely missed sunrise.'
Magnus groaned as he sat up and tried to stretch the ache out of his muscles: 'You were the one keeping me up late.'
'You volunteered for that all by yourself,' Alec replied cheekily, earning him a glare from Magnus. But the playful harshness fell away pretty quickly as his eyes made their way over to the documents on the table, replacing it with something a lot more somber.
'I really should contact Ragnor about some of these things,' he said.
Alec nodded slowly: 'But first, let's have some breakfast.' Magnus was on his feet almost instantly. Alec usually steered clear of the kitchen when Magnus made breakfast, but he found himself following. Quietly taking a seat at the kitchen island and watching as Magnus cut up fruit for some breakfast bowl thing that he had made once before.
Magnus was humming to himself. Alec didn't recognise the tune, but that was usually the case. Magnus knew a lot of music, but never really put it on in the apartment. Alec suspected that he listened to it on headphones while he worked, but he wasn't really sure. Most modern music Alec knew was through Izzy having put it on at some point. The memory of his sister dancing through their apartment brought a smile to his face. One time she had insisted on teaching him and within ten minutes had come to the conclusion that while Alec's skills were diverse, he was most definitely not a dancer.
He was not very musical to begin with. Not like Jace. Watching Jace sit at the black lacquered Steinway, his fingers dancing over the ivories, could literally take your breath away. He hadn't seen Jace play in a very long time, they hadn't had access to a piano in a long time. Back when Jace had still been in high school he had been able to play in the music room, but that was three years ago now.
Their parents had insisted on all of them practising some art. How Alec had ended up with calligraphy he couldn't remember, but he was very grateful it was that over music. But Max had been too young before the accident, and Alec had never been able to support him in any of those pursuits beyond what he learned at school. Max had never asked. It was conflicting to be both relieved that he didn't have to disappoint Max by having to say that they couldn't afford to pay for lessons for something, but also feel like he was depriving Max of something by not being able to offer support.
What would their mother say?
Because that was a relevant question now. A question he hadn't thought to ask himself in years. The first years it had occasionally rung in his head when he had done something in order to save money and denied his siblings something. When he'd miss a payment, when he'd mess up in his work, his first thought would reflexively turn to what his mother would think about it. Over the years the instinct had lessened, until he had almost forgotten her disapproving look. The look he had been reacquainted with only yesterday.
What would she think of Jace not playing piano anymore, and not going to college? Of Izzy's addiction and her relapse? Of Max's fights with teachers and counselors over Alec's guardianship of him? Of Alec's never having achieved anything himself? It was all his fault. If he had caught on sooner in the beginning, if he had insisted on taking the burden of working upon himself…
'Alexander?' Alec looked up to meet Magnus' concerned gaze.
'I'm sorry, did you say something?' Alec shook himself out of his daze.
'Nothing of import. What were you thinking about?'
Alec averted his eyes: 'Nothing.' He could hear Magnus sigh and knew that the other man did not believe him, after all, Alec was a terrible liar.
Clearly, Magnus decided against pressing the matter though: 'Breakfast is nearly done.'
'Can't wait.' But Alec's voice held little fervor in it. 'What song were you humming?' The innocuous question set Magnus at ease and got him a song title and artist in reply before Magnus started talking about other music while Alec watched. He liked watching Magnus move, hearing him talk. The words didn't register, but there was something so smooth and fluent in everything that Magnus did. His voice was like silk, his movement like flowing water, he looked so soft.
Of course he knew he wasn't supposed to have those thoughts, and the timing of them, with literally Alec's entire world in danger, made it even worse, but he didn't really have control over them. What would his mother say if she knew that he had these impertinent thoughts about his employer? The answer really couldn't be anything good.
Aside from her not approving of his being gay, and the obvious objection against Magnus being his employer, she had expressed a clear dislike of the man himself last night. Magnus had dealt with the Clave in the past in a competitive environment. Knowing how good Magnus was at his job, he was sure to have made an impression on many in the Clave corporation, including Alec's parents and one Valentine Morgenstern apparently. And beyond that, there was Magnus as a person.
Free, extravagant, flamboyant, Magnus made it seem like everything he did was completely effortless. Like he could snap his fingers and make object appear out of thin air. For someone like his mother, who firmly believed in the sanctity of discipline and control in every situation, that made it impossible to respect him. Magnus was friendly and accommodating to everyone he had to deal with, but in every interaction he was unapologetically himself. As comfortable as Magnus was in his own skin, he had a strong personality that he dialed down for no one but himself.
Yes, Alec was sure that his mother would not approve of Magnus even on closer acquaintance. Nor would she, as had similarly been the case in the past, be fond of Izzy's friends, not to mention Meliorn. And while there was nothing so blatantly wrong about Clary, Alec dared to say with certainty that his own reservations about the girl were nothing compared to the faults their mother would find in the redhead.
A bowl suddenly appearing in front of him woke Alec from his thoughts. He almost jumped off his chair, but meeting Magnus' amused expression settled him very quickly.
'My, you are very jumpy this morning,' Magnus said as he sat down next to Alec. 'Are you sure you don't want to talk about the nothing that is occupying your thoughts?'
Alec picked up the spoon and took a bite before answering: 'Just a lot of things I haven't thought about in a long time.'
'Unpleasant things?' Alec only shrugged in response. 'Listen, I don't know your mother very well, but as complicated as your relationship was, her reappearance is bound to affect you. No influence is as strong as a parent's and you shouldn't feel like you can't talk about it. If not to me, then maybe Isabelle might-.'
'I'm not telling them,' Alec interrupted. Magnus stopped as he watched Alec return to his breakfast after stating that. It wasn't harsh or anything of the sort, just a fact. Silence hung for a few moments before Magnus broke it.
'You are not telling them?' Alec shook his head. 'Can I ask why?'
'I don't want them to know.'
'Don't want them to know what?'
'That she is alive. They don't need to shoulder that burden. I can't very well tell them that the mother they grieved is alive and returned. I can't tell them that some maniac is out to hurt our mother through me and possibly them.'
'If it is for their safety.'
'What is the point? They are not going to see her if I can help it. I'll tell them there is a chance the hit was meant for me and they should be careful. There is no need to bring my mother into this.'
'Don't you think they want to know?'
Alec put down his spoon and turned to look at Magnus: 'I don't know and I don't care. I'm not putting this on them. I refuse for them to have to deal with this.'
'So you're going to shoulder it all by yourself again? Alexander, sooner or later you are going to have to learn to share these burdens.'
'They are just kids, Magnus!'
'So are you!' Magnus exclaimed in exasperation at Alec's starting to lose his temper. 'Just because you've carried the responsibility of an adult from far earlier than you should have doesn't mean that you've done your growing. You are hurt, Alexander, and whether you like it or not, your siblings could help you with that.'
'What do you know of what I feel?' Alec bit back sharply. 'I didn't ask for your advise on this and I don't want it. I have a responsibility as their guardian to protect them and so I will. And I'll be damned if I let you or anyone else stop me from that.' He turned away from the shocked look on Magnus face. With a sigh he got up from his chair.
'Lost my appetite.'
Magnus watched Alec walk out of the kitchen with a heavy heart. He couldn't bring himself to get up from his seat or really move at all. He just stared at the door through which Alec had just disappeared. He could hear the heavy combat boots trace a path to Alec's room and the sound of the door closing sounded loud in the quiet apartment.
Never before had he seen Alec raise his voice in anger. Not when the police had come by, not when he had dealt with any of Magnus' stalkers, not when irritated with Jace over the phone, not ever. Alec didn't take his feelings out on anyone, instead choosing to shoulder them all by himself. His anger, his hurt, his frustration, his pain.
The combat boots once again came closer and Alec appeared in the doorway: 'I'm sorry about raising my voice. I'm going to the training room for a bit. Let me know if you need anything.' Without giving Magnus a chance to reply he turned away. Moments later Magnus could hear the door to the apartment close.
His voice had been flat, but Magnus knew of Alec's inner turmoil. The storm of feelings of hurt he must be experiencing. Alec was lost and he was reacting like a tiger driven into a corner; lashing out at anyone and anything encroaching on his carefully built sanctuary, no matter how illusory it may be. It made him dangerous.
Alec was not violent by nature, but he was skilled and protective. Magnus thought back to the night Alec had retrieved Isabelle from the drug den. He'd only caught a glimpse of the look in Alec's eyes that night, but it hadn't been a good one. Alec had played it off lightly, but that night he'd shot a gun out of someone's hand with a bow and arrow. It was easy to forget with how gentle he was with those he cared about, but Alec was dangerous. And he suspected the police had seen a glimpse of that when Alec had brought them up.
And now Alec had a right to turn that anger to Magnus.
In the time that Alec had been with Magnus, he had never made Magnus do anything he didn't want. He hadn't pushed or pried, coerced or intimidated. He had simply waited for Magnus to make up his mind and stand beside him no matter the decision Magnus made. And the first chance Magnus got to return the favour he did exactly what Alec hadn't done. He'd pushed Alec to something he wasn't comfortable with. No matter how pure Magnus intentions were and how right he knew he was, it should still be Alec's own choice.
Magnus looked at the two abandoned bowls of breakfast. He had to fix this. Right now.
He got to his feet, ran a hand through his hair to fix it just a little and walked out of the apartment. As he stood in the elevator he tried to formulate his apology to Alec, but when the doors slid apart on the thirteenth floor, all possible words left his mind. He could hear Alec. He stepped out of the elevator and made his way over to the door to the training room. It was slightly ajar. Carefully Magnus stepped closer and peered inside until he laid eyes on Alec. His heart stopped.
Alec was wailing on a punching bag like a possessed man. His hair was wild, his eyes dark and his features contorted into a grimace of pain and fury. Groans in mental and physical pain ripped from his body as he landed blow after heavy blow on the punching bag, not caring about the damage it was doing to his unwrapped knuckles or his still healing ribs. He was letting all the fury and emotion rip and driving it into oblivion in the most terrifying manner possible.
Magnus had never seen anything like this. He had seen real violence and anger, George had made sure of that. But never had he seen anyone turn so much anger on himself. Because that was what was happening right in front of his eyes. Alec blamed himself and was punishing him for it. How had Magnus not seen this? Sweet, gentle Alec, who wouldn't sleep for days to stay up with his sister, who let himself get beat on by George so he wouldn't hurt the other man, who jumped in front of a car to save his and Madzie's life, would never turn his anger on anyone he loved.
Instead, he blamed himself. He was the responsible one, he was the one to carry all the burdens. He lied and struggled to make everything just a little easier for those he cared about, without telling them because he didn't think about receiving credit for his efforts.
It was his job.
It was his job.
Jumping in front of a car, passing out from exhaustion, taking the beatings, Alec genuinely believed that it was his responsibility to take all the pain from those around him, and that if they felt part of it that he had failed. In that moment Magnus wanted to strangle Maryse Lightwood. Her conditional love for Alec and her fucked up plan to keep them safe had turned Alec into this. She hadn't just abandoned her children, she had nearly destroyed all that was good and sweet in Alexander by making him believe it was weakness.
Magnus couldn't watch anymore. He stepped away, resting his back against the wall trying to regain his composure. Alec was about to destroy himself over the return of his mother, blaming himself for things that were her fault.
No more. Something had to change. And it was up to Magnus to offer the way out.
With renewed determination he marched over to the elevator. He had some phone calls to make.
My apologies to anyone who read the corrupted upload that was online for the past 9 hours. I hope the issue has been resolved and I'll try to keep it from happening in the future.
