Chapter 29

Clarke was still in the office with Octavia. She had been watching her sleep for a while, and then she saw the radio. She pulled out some of the recordings and started playing them. Octavia had every broadcast that she'd made and it floored her that she kept them. Then, she thought about the map that Indra had drawn. She knew that Indra must have listened to Clarke's ramblings on Octavia's behalf to make such a detailed map.

She looked back over at Octavia. She looked so at peace when she slept, like Madi. And, maybe, that is why she was so caught off guard when Octavia kissed her. She could only guess at what Octavia was thinking and feeling. She had six years plus in the bunker being essentially the heda, only they called her Osleya or Blodreina. Both of which fit Octavia and her personality. She knew that Octavia wasn't trying to replace Lexa. No one could. She was and had done the best that she could with what she had. Clarke understood that.

She looked from the radio desk to Octavia's desk in the office. She left the radio playing and walked over the desk when she saw a book that she hadn't seen in years. Her curiosity was piqued. She sat down behind the desk and opened it. She hadn't ever read it when it was in Lexa's room. She'd wanted to, but she'd never got the chance. She figured that the tome had been burned or destroyed in Praimfaya. She should have known better. She should have known that Titus would have given it to another Flaimkepa to protect it. She opened it and started skimming through it. She was skimming because she was looking for Lexa's handwriting.

"It's towards the back," Octavia told her as she entered the office.

Clarke stopped and looked up at her. She didn't say anything. Octavia just turned off the radio and walked over to the desk. She kept her eyes on Clarke as she sat down on one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"The chapters you're looking for are near the back," Octavia stated.

Clarke flipped further into the book and started to see Lexa's handwriting. She stopped and looked up. She could tell that Octavia had read these pages. There were some edges bent, but the book was in good condition. She ran her fingers over the writing.

Octavia gave her some space to read as she crossed the room and poured herself a glass of water. She turned and she saw Madi was sleeping on the couch in the office, not far from Clarke. Octavia smiled at the girl. She walked back across the room and knelt down near the couch and looked at her. She felt Clarke move a little to watch her.

She was watching the girl. She was sleeping and peaceful. She reached out, tentatively, to brush Madi's hair out of her face. She stood and pulled a thin blanket from the table beside the couch. She knew that Clarke hadn't seen it. She placed it loosely over Madi, effectively tucking her in on the couch. When she turned around she wasn't expecting Clarke to be standing that far behind her.

"You care about the children a lot," Clarke said.

It was just a statement. It wasn't meant to cause comment or issue. Clarke was just making a statement. She saw how different Octavia was with Madi and the other children of the bunker.

"I do. I want better for them then we had. I can't help it. I fight for them. If I don't, then I've failed them."

"How?" Clarke asked her as she moved and leaned against the desk, watching Octavia watching Madi.

"We were trapped in space. You knew that we were slowly dying because the Ark was dying. I was a waste of space, resources, and air. I wasn't raised like you were. I was kept in our quarters. Bell did everything that he could to help me, but even he had to know that my life had an expiration date. I don't think that he wanted to think about it. I don't think he wanted me to worry about it. He taught me everything that he could. He did everything that he could to make a way to sneak me into the population. I don't know what his plan was, but I know that he was working on something. It would have probably never worked, but he was going to try to protect me. He gave me the inspiration to survive."

"To survive?" Clarke asked.

"Yes. I was allowed to watch my mother die and then I was taken to the Skybox. Miller was in a cell next to me. Eventually, he wormed his way into my cell. He kept me motivated. When I went to class, finally, it was for Earth skills with Pike. I had to study harder, faster, and longer than everyone else. I'd never had class. I only knew what the books taught me. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know that we were being sent to the Earth. I didn't understand the need for those classes until we landed, but then I still had Bellamy with me."

"I remember."

"But, then, I was still facing the prejudices of being the 'Girl beneath the floor.' I was fighting to survive and just become someone that I wanted to be. I never had the hope of really being anything on the Ark. When I was with the hundred, I didn't have an identity. I didn't really fit in because I was never meant to. Bellamy wanted to keep me close, but he kept everyone from me. I had freedom to do things, freedom to move about and just freedom to be. I promised myself that I wouldn't waste it. I couldn't."

"And, then you met Lincoln?"

"No, Lincoln met me. He took me, he healed me and he cared for me in a way that no one else ever had. It wasn't like it was with my mother or brother."

"I get that," Clarke answered.

"He was quiet and strong and loving. He was willing to sacrifice himself for me. I didn't understand that. I never understood the want to be something like that for someone else. I needed guidance. I needed someone to kick my ass and to make me care."

"Indra?"

"Sha, she did."

"What she gave me was a foundation. She gave me more things to strive for. She saw something in me that no one else. She pushed me farther. She kept on me. She refused let me fail. She pushed and pushed...even when I thought I couldn't do something, she pushed me harder. She sees things that others don't and I've learned to appreciate it."

"But, the children?"

"Without them, there will be no tomorrow. She knew that the children would continue our experiences and make the world better. She saw in Lexa. She saw in you. She was one of the few that supported you being together," Octavia told her.

"She had a strange way of showing it," Clarke replied.

"She is hard and harsh. It took a long time for her to realize that Lexa was right. She realized that the Grounders had to change in order to survive the new world. She pushed everyone in the bunker to change. She knew that I had a vision and she supported it. She fought Gaia on me wearing the colors and the gear of the Heda. She got with Kane and made herself change. Her doing that showed even some of the most die-hard Grounders that the world was changing above us and we had to change to be ready for it. The children are always our future. If we aren't willing to change for them, we will give them the same world that we inherited."

"I want that for Madi. I don't want her to have to fight to survive as bad as we did. I know that survival is a never ending fight day to day, but I don't want her to have to fight to keep the land that she knows. She has more of a right to it than anyone else that I know."

"Not even you?"

"No, that valley is all hers. The fact that she didn't kill me was amazing. It wasn't that she didn't try in the beginning. She learned just as I did that we needed each other."

"You became her mother," Octavia said as she moved around and then sat down on the couch on the other end of her office, away from Madi.

"I did."

"Does she sleep with you?"

"Some nights, she does. Mostly we would share a bed roll when we were out in the fields or checking the traps down in the winter hunting grounds. When we are in the village, she stays with me but, she stays in her own bed. I worry where she stayed while I was captive and before she met up with us in the desert."

"Have you asked her?"

"No, we really haven't had a lot of time to talk. When we got back, you began preparations to go back out. She was trying to tell me everything that she could, everything she'd studied about Diyoza and her men. I gave everything that she told me to Echo. I told her everything that I knew, too."

"Like?"

"A grouping of caves that we used and that had weapons and such stored in, a place for her to camp in and hide."

"You don't think that Diyoza has found it."

"No, I don't. She's sticking to the village and just near it by the river. Madi said that they were digging in as well, but she couldn't give me a lot. She'd been with Harper, Monty and Echo while Bellamy and me were with you. She said something about Murphy and Emori going off on their own."

"The cockroach..."

"He is. He came down with Raven after Diyoza took the valley. She was here, but they released the rest of the convicts or something. Madi was telling me that there were hundreds of them when they left."

"Who would you have watch her when we go?"

"I don't know. I want to say Mom, but she is in the Valley. I want to take her with me, but I am not sure that I want her to see that side of me. I want to leave her here, but I don't know how to trust. I know that Bellamy isn't going to stay behind. He'll go. Monty and Harper might stay back, but I can't ask that of them. They have enough to deal with right now. They don't need to be worrying about my kid."

"What about Niylah?" Octavia asked.

"We haven't really talked."

"Go see her. Talk to her. Six years is a long time to without being with someone."

"She had you," Clarke countered.

"To talk to, to keep a bed warm, but nothing more than that."

Clarke just looked at her.

"You really had no one?"

"Miller, I guess. Indra on occasion. Hell, even Kane, your mother and Gaia, but a lover or something deeper like that, no."

"Love is weakness," Clarke scoffed.

"Lexa would be proud," Octavia huffed, her voice filled with sarcasm. "No, it wasn't just that. I honestly didn't have time to develop any relationships, Clarke. I wasn't seeking to, either. Your mother and Indra decided that Niylah would be a good fit for me."

"But, you never?"

"No, I had too much to deal with. My brain never stopped. I couldn't ever relax enough and I didn't want a quick romp. I wanted something meaningful, something that I could continue when we got back to the surface, and it wasn't Niylah's fault that it couldn't happen. It was mine. She understood though. She held me some nights and just let me be. It was nice, but nothing more ever happened between us."

"Wow," Clarke stated.

"It would have been nice, but part of me couldn't and wouldn't betray you like that. I think that part of her couldn't, too. We became friends, more so than we were before coming in the bunker. At first, though..."

"At first, what?"

"I rebuffed her. I was afraid that she was staying near me to just stay safe. It took time for us to realize that we would be able to all live together. There would be squabbles and fights, but Niylah, while Trikru, really didn't have a clan to belong to. She joined with Skaikru because of you. She loved you and did as you bade. We never realized that you weren't coming back. It took a while for everyone to actually accept that we were beneath the ground for at a minimum of five years. I pushed her away, but I gave her positions that kept her close to me, Kane, Indra or your mother. I was protecting her and she knew it. But, she still took to whatever we gave her."

"She drank the kool-aid?"

"Yes," Octavia stated.

She looked back over at Madi. Her eyes softened and a small smile took over her face. Turning back to Clarke, she softened more. Clarke was amazed to see this softer side, and she felt privileged, too, because she knew that not everyone got to see this caring and soft side of Octavia.

"Take her to my bed, Clarke. Sleep with her, too. You need your rest," Octavia told her.

"It's your bed, though."

"And, I'm telling you to use it. I'll carry her if you need me. But, you should be with her and resting. She is your daughter. She still needs you, Clarke."

"What about you, O? What do you need?"

"Echo to contact us soon," Octavia replied.

Clarke just nodded. They both stood up. Octavia as promised scooped up Madi and carried her into the bedroom. Clarke pulled back the covers and Octavia placed her in the bed.

"Get some sleep, Clarke. You need it. No one will bother you in here, I promise. They wouldn't dare," Octavia stated.

"What about you?"

"I have things to deal with."

"You need sleep, too," Clarke told her.

"I know that. I will go check on some things and then come back. When I do, I'll sleep on the couch."

"The couch?"

"I've slept there many a night, Clarke. It'll be fine. I'll be fine."

"If you're sure," Clarke said, still watching her.

"I am."

Clarke nodded and walked around the bed. She got in the bed and then curled up behind Madi. She saw Octavia smile at the sight. She quirked an eyebrow as Octavia made sure that they were covered before she left the bedroom. She watched her from her position on the bed as Octavia went back into the office.

Octavia gathered her cloak and her sword. Strapping them on, she turned, gave Clarke a smile and then headed out of the office. She needed to get out of the bunker for a while. She figured that she would walk the streets and calm herself before she fell back into bed. She hated waiting for an answer, but she knew that Echo was now their best chance. She didn't want to admit it, but she hoped that Echo succeeded in her mission. It was for personal reasons, but still, it would help her relationship with her brother.

She wasn't surprised when she felt Timo behind her. They exited the bunker and began to do a slow tour of the dilapidated city. She saw where some of the ruins were being repaired. She knew that it was because a few of them were digging in and preparing to stay near the bunker. It was partially because they were scared. They were afraid of Octavia or that they would never reach the valley. The other main reason was because Indra had ordered it as so. She knew it had been an order to do so, as well. They didn't want to lose the Capital. Polis might being in ruin, but it was till the center of their former world. If they could rebuild it and make it livable, they would and she would help them. Polis was always going to be important to them all.

After her tour, she noticed the horizon starting to lighten. She headed back for the bunker. She knew that the early morning wasn't far away and she knew that she would have meetings not long after breakfast. She needed to rest, even if it was just for a few hours. She would have time for more later as they waited for Echo or Raven's call to them.

She made her way back to her rooms. Miller was back on guard. He nodded to her and opened the door for her as she entered.

She liked this time. The quiet of the early morning before the bunker was fully awake and alive. She did most of her planning in these hours, if she was awake. Usually, she took these ideas to Indra, Kane and Abby. The thought made her angry as she sat down behind her desk.

She looked down and saw the Heda tome still open where Clarke had been reading it. Upon closer inspection, she saw Clarke's scrawl on some scraps of paper near it. They were plans of attack and how to get into the Valley from different sides. She was still prepping even though she didn't want to fight. Octavia knew it was because she couldn't help it. As much as Clarke wanted to deny the position, she was still a leader, even if she wasn't technically part of Wonkru. She was still Wanheda, and somethings are just too hard to turn off.

Reaching out, she shifted the papers that were laying on the maps Indra had made. She found some small pieces under them. When she traced her fingers over the words, she realized that Clarke hadn't written anything out in Gongsleng, but she used Trigedasleng instead. As she read the words, she realized why she had. No one read Trig because there was never a developed alphabet or need to. All the notes and such were written out in English (Gonasleng). She skimmed the notes and realized that Clarke was studying Lexa's notes on the legend of the Starling and Earthling. She put the notes down. These were Clarke's private thoughts on the matter and even though, she wanted to push her into accepting the position, she knew she couldn't. Clarke had been pushed enough.

Sighing, she put everything back as she found it and left the desk. She walked over to the couch and sank down into the cushions. It didn't take long for sleep to claim her into thankfully a dreamless sleep.

Clarke woke up a little while later. She couldn't help it. Her days always started early with Madi. There were things that had to be taken care of in the early hours. She slowly and carefully got out of the bed, so she wouldn't wake Madi. There was no need for her to be awake this early since they weren't in Eden.

She walked out of the bedroom to find Octavia asleep on the couch. It startled her a little. She was slightly upset with herself that she let herself sleep so deeply that she hadn't heard Octavia come back. She knew that she needed the rest, but she had been on guard for so long in the Valley with Madi that it disturbed her. She thought about and then gave up on it. She knew that Octavia had set guards on the door and that she was protected. She figured that was why her brain let her completely shut down for a few hours.

She walked over to Octavia and knelt down in front of the couch. She couldn't help but think that Madi and Octavia were very similar. They were both survivors. They both fought to live and for a life that they wanted. Clarke didn't have that luxury. She was fighting for her people as soon as she was old enough to understand what was going on and it cost her father and almost a year in solitary. She shook those thoughts from her head.

Octavia was still wearing her cloak, her mantel of leadership. She was doing everything that she could in order to protect Clarke and Madi. She knew that it was out of some misguided thoughts of loyalty and companionship, but she wondered if there was more to it. Was Octavia afraid of them and what they could do? She doubted it. She knew that the grounders in the bunker all believed that the time of the hedas was over.

It was strange to see this softer side of Octavia again. It wasn't that she didn't like it, but after Lincoln's death, Octavia seemed to rage about everything. Clarke couldn't help but wonder what broke her in the bunker. Something broke her, she could tell. She knew what it felt like. She had been so broken after the Mountain. Lexa gave her a reason to try again and, then Lexa died. She broke more. Niylah was an easy distraction, but she was more than that, Clarke had to admit. She had begun to care for the other woman, not like she had for Lexa, but it was something. She was starting to heal with the world descended into complete chaos again with the come of Praimfaya. Madi healed in ways that only a child could. But, how had Octavia broken so completely and healed in such a manner that she was soft when she needed to be and hard as well? The hardness wasn't just a front, Clarke knew that, but seeing Octavia be soft with Madi and some of her people... It made her wonder. Who had helped her?

She looked over at the radio. Octavia had already given her the answer. It had been Clarke. She had been the light at the end of the tunnel begging Octavia to survive and bring them back to the surface. It had been every word that Clarke had said to Bellamy, unloading the soul into the nether. Octavia had soaked up every word like they were scripture. Octavia had been dropping hints about Clarke's role in saving her in the bunker since they were back together.

She stood up and fell into the seat near the couch. She studied Octavia. Warrior. Leader. Scared girl beneath the floor. She was all of those and more. She had been a lover and possibly the mate of Lincoln. She was a sister. She was a protector. She was a foster mother, as well. Octavia was many things, but above all to these people, she'd kept her word. As their Blodreina, she'd delivered to the surface. She understood their fear and their worship. It had been the same with Lexa and if she admitted it aloud, herself since she became Wanheda.

Octavia wasn't asking any more of her than Lexa had. She wasn't asking for anymore than the original hundred has asked of her. For six years, she only had to worry about Madi and herself. Now, suddenly being thrust back into a title and leadership position, she wasn't sure that she could do it. She had to, she knew that much, but she was afraid of how much more of her soul she was willing to sacrifice for everyone else's freedom. How much more could she break?

Octavia woke. She had the strange sense that someone was staring at her and, she was right. It was Clarke. She sat up slowly as not to scare the blonde. She could tell that she was lost in thought.

"Clarke?"

The blonde shook her head and then lifted her azure eyes to focus more fully on Octavia, "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she replied as she nodded.

"I'll get breakfast delivered."

"We should go see Monty and Harper."

"We will. That was going to be my first stop this morning after breakfast. I doubt that Echo has made it to Raven or if she has that Raven has managed to upload his virus into their system yet. But, I still want to make sure that we haven't missed anything."

"Do you mind the company?"

"No, I don't, but what about Madi?"

"Miller can stay with her, yes?"

"Yes," Octavia stated as she stood.

Clarke stood as well. She grabbed her weapons, mostly out of habit and put them on her belt. Octavia cocked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything as she took up her own sword. When she was ready, she saw Clarke waiting for her at the door.

"Octavia?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for protecting her."

"She is the last true natblida, Clarke. Between the two of you, you survived in a world we couldn't. She is still a child and I hope that she never has to grow up as fast as we did. I hope that she'll be a lot older before the possibility that her blood will make her a leader of these people. I hope that she is never needed and that her blood is just a relic of times from before."

"From your lips to the stars," Clarke said.

"She is safe with me, Clarke. I swear it. If I can stop it, she'll never take the mantle of Heda."

"I've already lost so much."

"And, I will do my best to make sure that never lose another Heda in your lifetime."

"Octavia..."

"Remember these words, Clarke," Octavia told her as she stared deeply into Clarke's eyes. Ai badan yu op en nou moun. Yu laik ai wanheda."

Clarke didn't look as surprised as she had before. Instead, she looked deeply into Octavia's eyes and replied, "En, yu laik ai Osleya."

translations

Ai badan yo op en nou moun. Yu laik ai wanheda. I serve you and no other. You are my Wanheda.

En, yu laik ai Osleya. And, you are my Champion.