A/N: Well, somehow this became the longest chapter I've written thus far. It opens up the major themes that will be featured throughout the rest of this story and required some delicacy. I was so happy to see that you guys are enjoying moments with all 3 of the girls because they are my favorite to watch. I don't have any direct work with 17-18 months year olds, but a few of my friends have kids so I've been taking mini details about things they're able to say from them. Enjoy this chapter and see you all at the end of this doozy!


Breathing deeply into her bathroom mirror, Alison struggled to control her shaking hands enough to complete a single braid to pin to the back of her hair. Even with the calm internal reassurance that their date tonight would be fine, the thought of not knowing exactly what to expect still brought a chill through her extremities. It had even been a struggle zipping up her sky blue dress with her lack of coordination and nerves.

"Spencer? Are you still next door?" Alison called out, dropping her hands to her side in surrender.

Spencer peeked her head in the door less than 10 seconds later with a bouncing baby girl on her hip, "Yeah, perfect timing! Just finished changing this one. You okay?"

"I don't know." Her indecision came out in a pathetic whisper, which caused Spencer to laugh.

"You're acting like you haven't been dating this woman for over half a decade! Emily is who's coming to pick you up tonight, right?"

"Yeah, Spence. I'm just nervous; she mentioned staying the night or something tonight, and I still have no idea what we're doing." She exhaled, reaching back up to her braid. "But I can't fasten this. I keep reaching back to pin it, but my left-hand shakes. I made the braid so tiny that it keeps just falling through my fingers."

"Calm down, worrywart. Let me just… " Spencer began moving, placing Olivia on the counter while she attempted to fix Alison's poorly done braid, "I mean, Al. Do you mind if I just – I mean, it's a mess back here, babe."

"Fine. Do whatever. I haven't been on a date in almost three years, barely wore makeup for two years, can't even tell you the last night I was nervous for something like this. I'm either having the early stages of a heart attack or am actually panicking."

Alison closed her eyes, trying to center herself with her palms on the counter in front of her. Noticing her stress, Olivia rested her hand on top of her mother's, "Okay, mommy?"

Glancing to her left, Alison bent down to kiss her daughter on the forehead, "Of course, I am Squirt." Alison ran her hand through the back of her dark hair, "I'm going out with Mama tonight, and I kind of might like her a lot."

"Mama?"

"Yes, baby girl. I know you haven't quite seen it yet, but your mom has made me nervous for most of my life. She's one of the best people I've ever known, and I just want everything tonight to go well."

Spencer smiled into the mirror as she patted the back of Alison's head to indicate she was finished, "There you go. Much more presentable."

"Well, then. Let's ask the girl whose opinion is the only one that matters. What do you think, Livvy? Is Mommy pretty tonight?" Alison crouched to Olivia's eye level in her bare feet while Olivia put both her hands on either side of her face and nodded Alison's head up and down. "Really? You think Mama will like it?"

Alison wrapped her hands around Olivia's back to pick her up and spin around. As they spun, though, they immediately came face to face with Emily, who was standing with her head resting against the door jam, "I like it a lot, Ali." Emily stepped forward, tapping her finger against Olivia's nose as she smiled and reached out for her mother. "You've always looked stunning in blue." She whispered, pressing a kiss against Alison's cheek.

From behind them, Spencer re-announced her presence, "Ugh. I had fully forgotten how cringy you two have always been. Damn, I'll be downstairs." She ushered past them faster than she could even finish her sentence.

Alison smirked as Emily trailed her hand down Alison's arm to connect their hands, "I missed you two. How have you been?"

"Pretty good. Right, Squirt? We went to the park yesterday and did some painting when we got home. Livvy, you wanna go grab what you made for Mommy?" Which made Olivia squirm out of Emily's arms and race off to her bedroom.

"You made something for me?" Emily looked back at Alison before squeezing her hand and leading her out of the guestroom bath.

As the two turned the corner into Olivia's room, their daughter was running back toward their ankles. Emily sunk down to the floor as Olivia passed her artwork, and Alison began explaining. "We put the paper in a cookie sheet, and she was able to move around marbles in different colors of paint to come up with this creation."

Despite the jumble of lines and colors which looked more black in appearance after mixing than their original counterparts, Emily wrapped their daughter in a hug, "This is so pretty! I can't wait to take it home to put in on the fridge. Is this your handprint in the corner, Squirt?"

Olivia nodded as she tucked her head into her mom's chest out of shyness, "I told you she would love it, Liv. You did such a great job."

"Thank you, baby girl." Emily reassured, picking Olivia back up and wrapping her other arm around Alison's waist, "Thank you, too."

"It was no big deal; Olivia wanted to do something for you."

Emily lightly scoffed at Alison's reply, "Right, right. You played no part." Emily adjusted the picture in her hand that was holding Olivia to show up in the top corner where neatly written was, 'To Mommy Love Liv and Ali.'

"Have you made our daughter proficient in writing English over the past two days, babe?"

"What can I say? She's an impressive baby!"

Letting go of Alison's waist, Emily brought her hand up to Alison's braid, which was now wrapped like a half-crown around the rest of her hair. She smirked as she replied, "Whatever you say… I love this, by the way."

"Thank you. I needed Spencer's help because my hands were shaking horribly."

Emily took a step back, holding Alison's hand up to double-check, "It seems okay now. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine now." Alison reassured, turning around to walk toward the staircase before looking over her shoulder, "They went away the moment I saw you."

Plastering a dumb smile on Emily's face, she walked over the Spencer at the bottom of the stairs to show off Olivia's drawing and pass her off. "We'll be back before ten, I assume. But I'll keep you posted, okay?"

"My first appointment tomorrow isn't until late morning, so don't worry about it! We're gonna have a blast, won't we Livvy?"

"Bye, sweetheart!" Alison exclaimed, gathering her things before heading for the door.

Though Emily left behind her, Alison was quickly surpassed by her wife, who ran to open her car door, "So sorry about that." Emily reassured, shaking out her arms as she closed the door.

Alison laughed, getting into the car, "You haven't been this jittery since our very first date. Are you who I should actually be worried about?"

"No, no. I'll be fine. It didn't hit me until I closed the front door that we're actually alone. That this second chance is real." Emily wrapped her hands around the steering wheel, taking it all in, "I just don't want to fuck it up."

"Either of us could fuck this up, Em. We're figuring this out, but you're not going to make or break this relationship by opening and closing my car door for me."

Emily chuckled, "Oh, that didn't seal the deal for you? That's the only trick I had up my sleeve!"

"You're a mess." Alison reached across the console to place her hand on Emily's forearm. "Don't worry, Emmy. I'm here for you, and you're here for me. That's all that matters right now."

Emily nodded, "You're right. Also, I wanted to do something different tonight, if that's alright. Something I don't think we've ever done before. Would you mind taking the train into Philly?"

"The train?"

"Yeah, I want as much time being with you as possible. And when I'm driving, part of my brain will always be a little preoccupied."

"Okay, Em, let's do it."

The car stayed relatively silent as the hesitant couple made their way into the middle of town to take the train. Though they held hands as Emily lazily danced her thumb on Alison's palm, there continued to be a palpable hesitancy between them. "We haven't made this drive together in a bit, Al. I don't know your preference. Do you mind driving by the memorial, or should we bypass it?"

"I don't like it. But when I take the bus, I have to pass it. I should be fine. I'll just look at my hands."

The light turned red as Emily drew closer to the intersection that years earlier had changed their lives. On the northeast corner stood a memorial for both Chance and Liam, a memorial built during the nearly two years she was in jail.

"I've never had to stop here yet, though…" Alison muttered from the passenger's seat, "I guess the light is timed for the bus." Alison's eyes were staring through her hands, trying to escape the car through her fingers.

"Hey." Emily assured, turning Alison's face with her chin to look into Emily's eyes, "Look at me instead. It's okay. You're okay. You don't have to be ready today or tomorrow or ever, but I am here with you. You'll be okay. We're going to make it through this light together, okay?"

"Together…" Alison replied, tears beginning to brim her eyes, "What – what does it look like? Is it a nice memorial for both of them?"

"Yeah, sweetheart." Emily reached up to brush one of Alison's fallen tears away. "It's gray and rounded on the corner. There are curved benches with a statue in the middle between them. And on the ground, there's a little plaque."

"Okay… and Liz designed it all?"

"Yeah, babe. His mom used most of the restitution money on it and its upkeep." Emily kept talking as she pulled through the light, making sure that Alison's eyes stayed on her. "Okay, it's out of view."

"Thanks for doing that with me."

"Of course."

"His birthday was last week…" Alison's voice trailed off as Emily pulled into the train station parking lot.

"Tuesday, right? Do you still –"

Alison nodded, "Yeah, I called. He would've been 27."

"How was Liz doing?" Emily held Alison's hand tightly in hers as, from a distance, she could see their originally planned train pulling away from the station.

"She was good." Alison smiled through her tears, "Really proud of me for getting out and completing all of my classes. I told her that Livvy was walking now and that you were doing fine as well. She just reassured me how blessed she was to have spent 23 birthdays with her son and that the true loss that day was that we never got to spend any birthdays with Liam…" Alison paused to take a gasping breath. "I just always feel so unworthy to be on the other end of the phone call. At this point, I've taken 4 birthdays away from her, and I'm always going to be the person that takes birthdays away year after year."

"I know it's hard, Ali. But it's better this than the alternative of no contact and no forgiveness. Even though every year is so hard, it means so much to Liz that you call."

"It's the least I can do…"

"But most people wouldn't even do that. You do know that, right? You know how strong you are?"

"Me calling isn't strength, Em. It's repentance." Alison looked up at her wife, "Sorry. I didn't mean that coldly."

"It's okay, Al. I know the first year, I wasn't strong enough to make the call with you, and then, you were away and all. But maybe next year, I'll call with you?"

"I'd like that… can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything, Ali." Alison's vulnerability was slowly but surely getting to her wife, who couldn't stop the lump in her throat from expanding.

"I know that there's a memorial service every July. I've never been and like, right now, I can't even look at the memorial from the fucking car. I need to make it to the service this year, Em."

"I understand… we can work up to it."

Alison exhaled, "Okay. I need to be done with this, or I won't make it through dinner. Can we go now?"

Emily continued wiping Alison's tears away as she spoke, "Well, we have about 10 more minutes, I think. We missed the train we were supposed to take." She chuckled as Alison fell into her arm.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. But I didn't want to interrupt, and we would've looked insane walking onto the train like this."

"But you still look great, Em…" she paused, "So that must mean, oh fuck." Alison turned to pull down the mirror, where her mascara had slowly started fading down her cheeks, "Emily!"

"What?" she began laughing even harder, "What was I supposed to do?"

"Tell me?"

"You were grieving! I was supposed to interrupt and tell you – "

"That I look like a fucking crypt keeper with raccoon eyes? Yes, you were."

"You don't have to keep up appearances for me, Alison. You're beautiful, regardless."

"Easy for you to fucking say!" Alison lamented while grabbing Kleenex to douse with water in attempts to clean up. "You always look like a model!"

"Here, turn toward me. Let me help…" Emily used the napkins in her hand to delicately fix her makeup. "I must say, it's kind of adorable that you're this concerned with how you look in front of me when you woke up with nothing on next to me for years." She smirked in her wife's direction.

"I just don't want you to – "

"What? Be disappointed? See the little knicks and scars on your body? Hold you to a weird double standard?"

"I don't know…"

"You have nothing to worry about, honestly." Emily paused as she balled up the Kleenex in her hand before moving to open the car door, "You look amazing. You've always looked amazing."

Alison double-checked her makeup in the mirror before getting out as well and adjusting her dress. "It's not just because of you, Em. It's – " her voice trailed off as her head snapped to the ground as a group of people passed, pointing and whispering.

"What the fuck was that?" Emily asked, walking to her side of the car. "Does that happen to you often?"

"If I leave the house? In Rosewood? Yeah, all the time. I'm the crazy lady who got of jail early despite killing a 20-something with my car and champagne surrounding me, Em. All I get are stares."

"Ali, you could've told me if you would've preferred to stay home."

"No, it's fine. The more often I'm out, the less awkward seeing me will eventually become."

"Do you need me to do anything?"

"I don't think so… you know you don't always have to be my knight in shining armor, Em." Alison paused, turning to Emily before they walked up the stairs toward the train platform.

Emily shuddered in the breeze, "First, you call me a model and now, a knight? So many compliments from the usually stoic, Alison DiLaurentis!"

Alison laughed, placing her hand against Emily's chest, "You're such a tease."

And before Alison could tell her mind otherwise, she was pulling Emily in for a kiss. Her right hand on her chest and left barely lingering against her jawline, Alison felt Emily's fingers grip her side without a second thought. Their lips surged together as Emily immediately wrapped her forearm around Alison's back, leaning further into their embrace as she felt Alison pulling away.

"Fuck." Alison pushed back off of Emily's chest with her hands, "I'm so sorry. That was – "

"Perfectly fine?"

"No, just a thank you. For earlier, taking care of me… in the car." Alison stuttered as she started walking away from Emily and towards the train.

"Okay. Yeah, sure." Emily walked up behind her, attempting to link their hands back together.

"Em, I can't. I didn't mean to do that back there. It wasn't on purpose." Alison shook out her hands rapidly.

"I get it. I get it." Emily replied, wrapping her arms around herself while stepping away from Alison.

"We haven't even talked about Saturday yet, Em." Alison turned back in defense mode, "We can't just jump into this without fucking looking."

"No, I know. I won't let it happen again."

With the train pulling into the station, a breeze blew both of them backward at the platform as Alison stepped into the car first with Emily lingering behind. Emily whispered into the air, "I won't let it happen again, no matter how badly I want it to."

"You say something?" Alison turned back toward her wife.

"Not at all. Sit wherever."

Alison walked forward until she found two empty seats side by side. As she sat down, though, Emily chose to sit across the aisle.

"What the fuck?" Alison asked, open-handed, "Don't be mopey. Get your ass over here."

Emily readjusted next to her as she kept speaking, "I'm as confused as you are. Is it terrible that I want to respect you and whatever boundaries you may have?"

"It's not terrible at all. But we have to be adults about this, we can't fall back into old patterns haphazardly because we miss the feeling of it all."

"I get it." Emily sat facing forward, stuck in the constant replay of their kiss. It was all she had wanted for the evening. Comfortability. Alison taking the first step, but as soon as she knew what was happening, Emily had lost her ability to move slowly. Her composure went out of the window.

"You know, I haven't been able to thank you yet, Em." Alison interrupted her train of thought next to her.

"For what?"

"Raising Liv. You're such a great mom." Alison smirked, keeping her hands in her lap despite the longing feeling for holding Emily's hands once more.

"She's easy to love."

"That's not what I mean, though. You bring such calm into her life. She can be endlessly happy, but there is a difference in her smile when she's with you."

"Really?" Emily glanced at Alison, finally starting to bring Alison back into her orbit.

"100 percent. Her smile becomes toothier, which I'm not sure how that's possible, considering she only has 5 of them. But her little tongue pokes out more, and she gets shy and giggly. She loves you differently than anyone else in her life, babe."

"I hadn't realized. It's so easy to think that maybe you're not doing everything you need to be doing." Emily looked down at her hands.

"Well, I wanted you to know that you've stepped into the role effortlessly. She is so lucky to have you. And though I never doubted it for a minute, no matter how this between us turns out, I feel extraordinarily blessed that we chose to have a family together. I couldn't have picked a better partner to raise Olivia."

"It really has been crazy how easily you've fallen back into everything. You came home and stepped up immediately. She loves you so much, even though it's been a short time. It's incredibly impressive."

"Did you expect anything less?"

"Not at all, Al. But I did wonder if you would be hesitant or would take your time before wanting her to stay the night with you alone. You never know, but I never had any doubts. During Liam's pregnancy and the beginning of Liv's, you were always the best support system. Even if we fall apart, I know that we will always be the best parents Liv could've ever wanted."

"Do you think we will?" Alison asked reluctantly.

"Fall apart? I can't answer that…" The thought of being apart sent chills through Emily's body, forcing her to look away.

"Right now, though, what do you think?"

"I know we'll talk about this in a bit because I promised you we would on Saturday. But, if you can't move past Maya, then yeah, I think it's over. I fucked up and ruined so much trust between us that if you're not able to hear me out and see past it… I won't know where to go from there." Emily started standing as their train pulled up to the Philadelphia station, "We're here."

Emily lightly rested her hand on Alison's upper back as she guided her out into the city before starting to walk up the street.

Alison continued the conversation where they had left off, "Yeah. I really don't know if I'll be able to. I'm working on it, but it's a process. I have a ton of questions to ask, that's for sure."

Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her pants, Emily replied, "I'll answer anything you need me to. Even though it will fucking suck."

Alison laughed, "You know I won't back down."

Emily started slowing down in front of the small yet stylish Asian restaurant they were eating at, "I'd expect nothing less from you, Ali." Opening the door, Emily reached for Alison's hand once more while stepping up to the hostess stand. To her surprise, Alison willingly reciprocated, "We have a reservation for two under the name Fields."

"Right this way." The hostess replied, shuffling the two of them through the relatively busy restaurant for a Monday.

"What is this place?"

"Gung Ho. One of the newest places in Philly. I've only heard great things, so I figured we could try it out."

As they sat down in their small booth in the back, Alison looked over the menu, intrigued, "It seems like excellent food."

"Yeah," Emily glanced up, "They also have some specialty cocktails in the back. I called ahead, and they can make any of them without alcohol."

"Oh, thank you for that. That's cute of you."

Emily blushed, "I try, but I know how important your sobriety is for you. I know that after Liam's passing, I wasn't the best support for you when I started drinking again, even with the trial and everything. That won't happen again."

"You don't have to be sober for me, Em. That's not what needs to happen."

"I know. Right now, though, while we're figuring this out and working on us. It would be a disservice to us during these important conversations for me to be drinking."

"I appreciate that. So, what do you think? Should we just get into it?"

Emily smiled shyly, setting down her menu, "No beating around the bush for you, I see. Yeah, let me start. I know that I've apologized so many times, but it honestly never crossed my mind that as much as our house has been ruined by memories for me, that the same would be true for you."

"I wouldn't say ruined. It's like a haunting because I have no idea what has been ruined by memories and what hasn't. So really anything in the house has the potential of being destroyed for me, so I try to do things that would have the least potential of being true. Which is why I sleep in the guest room. I highly doubt Maya even stepped in that room."

"You'd be right in that. As far as I know, she only has ever been in Liv's room and the other bathroom upstairs that's not conjoined with that guestroom."

"Okay, good. That's a start." Alison exhaled. "I don't know how to do this without being direct."

"One second." Emily paused, calling over a waiter to place their order. As they walked away, Emily turned back to her wife, "Go ahead. Don't want people walking up unless it's with our food in the middle of this."

"How soon after you reconnected with her, did you kiss her?"

"To be fair, she kissed me."

"And you kissed back… the question still stands."

"It was months. End of June, and I went to that boot camp back in February. Like we reconnected almost a year ago."

"And you fucked her that same night?"

"No, not at all. I pushed her away after 20 seconds or so maybe. I wasn't ready for anything."

"So, when did that happen, Emily?"

"In July. That whole month is, of course, hard for us, and one of those nights, Maya was consoling me, and I wanted the pain to go away. So, I let it happen."

"Where?"

"Ali – "

"Emily, you slept with your ex in our shared home while technically only separated from me. And now there are parts of our home once only used by us that she has destroyed for me."

"You want each place?"

"I don't need the dirty fucking details, Em. I know what sex looks like. I just need to know what needs deep cleaning."

"It's not many places. From what I can recall, the couch. The shower. The counter in the bathroom upstairs."

"And?"

"I mean, it was mostly the bed." Emily couldn't lift her eyes.

"Nope. Say it. Don't look up at me like that as if you don't know what I'm talking about. Say it."

"Our bed."

"Thank you. Our bed. The bed we shared for years. That we moved from your apartment in Philly here because of how much of our relationship was built there. The number of days we laid there doing nothing but hearing each other's hearts beating. I can grasp the other places, but where in your head does you sleeping with another woman on our bed make sense?"

"It doesn't…"

"Then, why do it? Why ruin that entire room for us?"

"You want me to be honest?"

"No. Lie to me, babe." Alison rolled her eyes as she picked up her water.

"Fine. It's because I didn't think you were coming home soon. I wasn't thinking about you. I asked to be separated so that I wouldn't have to think of you every second of every damn day. At first, I refused for Maya and me to go into our room at all because I knew how much of a betrayal it would be. But after a few weeks, when you start falling into the routine of a relationship, other people you used to be involved with fall to the wayside. And over time, I cared less and less about us. Until I wasn't obsessing about it in my head anymore. But yeah, that's why. I thought you had 6 years left in there; I wasn't thinking about you at all."

Alison placed her hands together, staring straight back at Emily. For as hard as that was for Emily to say, it was harder for Alison to hear. She traced her tongue over her teeth, smiling politely as their food was brought to their table.

"Thanks so much!" Emily announced ushering away the waitress, before turning back to the conversation just as concerned, "Ali – "

"No, it's okay." Alison dismissed Emily's words with her hand.

"I never felt good about it. It wasn't the same as us."

"But –" Alison choked over her words, "But you loved her?"

Emily nodded, "Yeah. I did, Ali."

Alison put her pointer fingers up to her temple to remedy her building headache, "Feel free to not answer this one." She inhaled, eyes closed as she spoke, "Did you only fuck her, or did you make love to her?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question…"

"I can't even fucking believe I'm asking this." Alison set her hands down on the table before looking back at her wife, "How did you touch her? Were your hands patient and lingering, or were they forceful and brief?"

"I don't know why this matters."

"Because I don't want you to have touched her like you touched me… I don't want hidden moments between the two of us to have been transferred to her. I don't want to sleep with you at some point in the future and ask myself if Maya received the same in return. Or how your arm wrapped around me when we kissed earlier. Is that what you did with her?"

Alison rested on the verge of sheer anger and flowing tears. She couldn't process how she was meant to move forward when the thought of Emily's hands being on someone else revolted her so profoundly.

"I guess it was rough more often than it was tender. But yeah, I'm sure I made love to her more than once. But it's like I said, it wasn't the same."

"How is it not the same? You loved her, Emily."

"There's no way for you to believe what I'm saying, but I've never loved anyone like I loved you. Our relationship was equal in all regards, Al. No one expected more or less on any given day; we just were. When we had sex, it was an expression of that. It was us on the same playing field, coming together to make our relationship even more beautiful. In every other relationship I've been in, I've been the weaker one. Having sex ends up being this push and pull of sorts. Like, you have to think about it and constantly trying to find your footing. I've never had to think about it with you. There was no push and pull. So yes, many things about my betrayal were the same, but at no point in time was it anything like us being together. You have to believe me."

"I do. I understand the difference from when we first started dating and other people I'd slept with before. It's all just hard to reconcile. Because I look at you and see the woman I fell in love with and loved for so, so long. I look at you, and all I want is to be in your arms, but simultaneously, I don't know how I could ever be with you again. I don't know how I can ever separate your words now from your actions then."

"I went into this knowing that you might not be able to. You deserve so much better than what I gave you. You deserve to have never needed to have this conversation with the woman you married. But that's why I'm here, Ali. I'm here to answer anything that may ease your mind for even half a second. As hard as I know this is and will be, I can't stop fighting for us. I won't do it."

"What if I can't get past this?"

"Then, we go through with the divorce, Ali. We do what we planned on doing for the past month, and I would never hold that against you."

"I don't know what to do, Em." Alison groaned through her hands.

"Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"That you're an idiot. That you didn't think about us at all for nearly half of last year. That your choices for those 6 months have ruined the rest of your fucking life, and it doesn't make sense." She sighed, "But I'm also thinking about how I can tell you're sincere right now. That you feel guilty and ashamed and remorseful and just want to know how to make this right again. That I trust when you say that you're not leaving again. That you're going to keep fighting even if it takes me a lifetime."

"I mean, we do have all the time in the world. Unless you tell me to give up, then I will."

"Okay… Don't give up just yet."

"Whatever you say. Should we start heading home? It's almost 9:15."

As Emily paid the bill and collected all of their things, Alison went to the restroom to slow down her pulsing headache. She didn't know why any part of her was willing to stay. She knew she didn't deserve what happened to her. She knew that Emily was in the wrong. But more than anything, Alison was scared. Scared to let go of the only woman she had ever loved. Scared to become more like her parents than she had ever intended. Scared to actually live life alone. And giving in to her fear meant not giving Emily a chance. It meant believing Emily for her actions over the past year and not her words over the past week. She had to somehow figure out if taking the risk for their relationship was worth it.

"For Olivia." She whispered over and over again before exiting the restroom.

The ride home on the train was quiet. Emily understood. So much of their date had been taken up by difficulties that would plague their relationship forever. It was a lot for both of them to take in and process if the added stress made it all worthwhile. After the nearly hour trek home, Alison thanked Spencer for all of her help. She promised to buy her dinner this week as a peace offering before heading up to her room to change, checking on Liv, and leaving Emily and Spencer downstairs to talk. She waited until Spencer was gone to come back down.

"Wasn't sure if you were going to make a reappearance! I was getting ready to make room for myself on the couch." Emily adjusted herself on the couch as Alison walked down the stairs. She had changed from her date attire into a tank top and shorts in preparation for sleep.

"I didn't want to leave our date where it was." Alison crossed her arms at the bottom of the stairs.

"Good. I know we needed to talk about all of that, but I didn't want it to be the last topic in my head."

"Me either… Can I sit next to you?" Alison pointed to the empty spot next to her wife. She hesitantly leaned against Emily's chest. Attempting to lighten the mood, Alison spoke again, "So, was it this couch? Or…"

"Shut the fuck up, Al." Emily chuckled, wrapping her arm around her wife. "It was the other one."

"You nervous?" Alison asked, glancing upward, "I can feel your heart beating like crazy."

"Tonight's been nerve-wracking, to say the least. I don't know how to even start picking apart everything we talked about. Why'd you come back down though if you were planning on us just sitting here quietly."

Alison pulled away from Emily to look at her. "I know at dinner I was going on and on about not knowing how I felt about everything from believing you to trusting you to knowing if I could picture you touching me ever again."

"Yeah… I thought we weren't going back to that."

"Well, I realized that I was doing exactly what you had done to me before. Not answering questions fully but also not trying to get the answers either."

Emily nodded as she replied, "What are you getting at here?"

"I want to try something, but it's going to sound crazy."

"Whatever you think might help works for me, Ali."

"Okay." She bit her lip before looking around pensively, "Can I straddle you?"

"Straddle me? Um, I guess." Emily turned toward her wife thoroughly confused as Alison brought her legs to either side of Emily's hips, looking down at her.

Readjusting so that Alison was lower down on Emily's legs and their eyes were parallel, Alison kept talking. "I said that I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to let you touch me again. Before I go to bed tonight, I want to find that out. Is that okay?"

Emily gulped, "Sure."

"Please don't put your hands on me unless I ask. I don't want to push or shove or hurt you in some way before I know how I'll react."

But gently, Alison leaned forward to kiss Emily again, neither of their hands roaming each other's bodies. Their kiss started briefly, just barely grazing each other's lips. Alison began lightly flicking her tongue to hit Emily's bottom lip, sending a smile to her lips.

Pausing mid-kiss, Alison spoke, "Hold my hand."

Without hesitation, Emily connected her right hand with Alison's left. She spread her hand, feeling Alison's fingers trail down to graze her hand back and forth as their lips kept working in tandem. Emily kissed her slowly, leaving her mouth open for short periods to allow Alison to pull away. But as the minutes slowly passed, Alison only asked for further contact.

"Try your hand on my arm."

Emily placed her hand on Alison's bicep, rubbing her thumb back and forth against her skin. It was cold to the touch and begged for more. But as Emily tried to squeeze her wife's arm, Alison pulled away.

"Nope. Nope. Can't do that."

"Do what? A squeeze?" Emily leaned back, removing her hands, and finally looking at Alison for the first time since this experiment began. Her eyes were shot while her lips were slightly swollen and red. She had missed the innocence that dripped from Alison's face when being romantic. As if she was naïve to her talents and unaware of her draw.

"No, it's the open palm. Your palm on my skin."

"Okay, what about this?" Emily closed her hand into a fist to place it back on Alison's shoulder, rubbing up and down her arm while still looking at her. Though not ideal, it allowed her thumb to again run against her skin and also added the feel of Emily's nails trailing across in rhythmic patterns.

"Maybe…" Alison adjusted in Emily's lap, leaning forward with her thumb, barely grazing the side of Emily's bottom lip before coming back in for more.

"Can you try your lips, but no hands?"

Emily mumbled against Alison's lips as she moved slowly toward her wife's jawline. Kissing delicately at skin she hadn't accessed in years while whispering softly, "How about this? Do you still like this, babe?" She smirked as Alison exhaled contentedly. She worked up toward Alison's ear, a place that Emily's touch used to drive her wild. Blowing air delicately on her ear lobe, though, caused Alison to snap out of her pleasure.

"You can't do that tonight."

Emily allowed her hands to fall to the side of Alison's legs, looking up at her wife. Her thumbs hesitantly hovered over her ankles as she replied, "There'd be no coming back for you?"

"Definitely not." Alison smiled, falling back into Emily's chest.

"So… how was that?"

"Ideal. But incredibly foreign. I still feel shaky. I might never be ready for us to fully touch. Like, all I want to do is pull you closer, feel your hip bones in my palms, but my brain malfunctions. I just need to work up to turning my brain off."

"Take all the time you need, Ali. I'll wait as long as you want. I am more than patient for you." And for the first time that evening, Emily made the first move. Capturing Alison's lips forcefully, Emily hummed against them.

Everything within Emily screamed at being held back. She wanted nothing more than to hold onto her wife's hips, guide them in a circle on her lap, grip her ass, and flip her on her back to officially take Alison's pain from her betrayal away. But she knew she had forever. She knew that this was Alison trying. She knew that if there was any hope at keeping them together that she had to go Alison's speed. Anything faster might stop their process without a chance at revival.

And more than anything, all Emily wanted was to bring their relationship back to life.


A/N: I do plan on this story remaining T, both for my own sake as writing romantic scenes at all takes some finesse I don't quite feel as though I possess, but also because I'm not exactly sure if anything explicit would enhance the story. So if/when some scene occurs in the future, I'll probably let you all run with your own imagination, and I hope that will be alright.

Writing this last part of the chapter was difficult to say the least because I wanted to make sure it wasn't too farfetched, but still showed the innate struggles that run as a current through these two still. Hope that was captured well! Thank you again for the support!

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Hope everyone is staying healthy out there! Sending all my love from the States!

- secretpen28