Ambivalence
Chapter 28: Withdrawals
By: Knowledge Eater
Disclaimer: Ubisoft owns Far Cry 5, I just like to play with their world and characters.
As Faith dreaded, the very day that they planned to leave for King's Hot Springs Hotel her symptoms became worse. In addition to her already unbearable body aches she developed a painful stomach cramp. The cramps became so bad so quickly she spent the remainder of her time at the brewery curled up on the cold bathroom floor.
She was somewhat grateful Aiden never stepped into the bathroom to see her like this. When they waited for her and she didn't show up Janna checked on her.
"Hey, you okay there?"
Faith was so feverish the older woman's hand felt cool when she placed a hand on her shoulder.
"I'm okay," Faith muttered. Just talking made her mouth water with nausea. She forced herself to climb to her feet and hoped she could last until they arrived at the hotel. "I think the meat I ate was bad," was her excuse.
Faith returned to the office to make sure Aiden had packed everything. The room was now bare from all of the books, papers and lab equipment. The sooner they got to the hotel the better. She placed a hand over her stomach and groaned. She hoped she could continue to hide the real reasons for her illness from Aiden.
She headed outside and found Janna helping Aiden and Jess. The woman offered to go with them to the hotel which made Faith feel a little safer. They were about to get into the pickup truck when an older man approached them.
The man looked to be in his late forties, his black hair was dusted with gray on the sides and his skin had a leathery appearance that was a result from long hours under the sun.
"Howard," Janna greeted him.
By instinct, Faith took a step back. Would this man try to attack her? Was he friends with Brad and would try to argue about his innocence?
The older man noticed her weariness. He offered her a tired and sad smile, his arms lifted to his waist level.
"I mean no harm," he announced. He didn't look at Janna or even Aiden, Faith noticed he kept his gaze on her. But his eyes held no malice, no hate. She could only see a deep sorrow.
"Is it true? You figured out a way to cure, err," he looked to Jess and bobbed his chin at her, "you can cure her condition?"
Faith blinked and then nodded. "It's still a work in progress, but yes."
Something flashed in the man's eyes, a spark of life. Hope. "My family," he explained, "when I refused to sell your brother, John, my farm or my produce, he took my family. After the deputy helped us folks in Holland, I tried to track down my wife and sons. They were given to you to become Angels."
Faith grimaced. She was always told the people she was given to be converted to Angels were lost causes. The Father would tell her he had the highest confidence that she was their final hope to be saved or become at peace. Being turned into an Angel was never a punishment, he said, it was simply releasing the person from life's cruelty. In the Bliss they would be happy, at peace, and the temple of their soul would serve a greater purpose. It had been so easy to agree with the Father's reasoning for converting people into Angels.
But the thought of being handed innocent hostages made her insides twist. And after hearing Aiden's perspective of turning people into Angels being no better than granting death, well she was having second thoughts about the Father's words.
A sick realization struck her. Was she any better than Brad? He presented two choices to her, refuse him and suffer the consequences. Or she could agree to his terms, but the line between consent and force would become blurred.
When she was given a person to ultimately be converted, she gave them two choices. Walk the Path, join the Project, serve their purpose and find happiness like she had. Or become an Angel. The Father said they would be happy in the Bliss, all of their worldly sins and wants would be taken away and result in peace. But as Aiden said, how could they know they were truly happy if their free will to speak was robbed?
She remembered that day when one of the Angels spoke to her. She was a young girl, no older than Faith herself. She only managed to mutter the words "please" and "kill." When it sounded like she would say "me" Faith had been so startled she didn't hear the final word she spoke amidst her panic, but the movement of her lips looked like she muttered "me." Back then she felt wrong to hear something that went against the Father's words. She didn't want the temptation to doubt the Father, she didn't want him to detect a crack in her devotion to him and look for a replacement. Going against the Father's words were considered sinful. So ever since that day she declared Angels would cease to speak another sinful word, any word.
Faith just hadn't expected her people to use her words to remove their ability to speak permanently.
The man continued to speak; his voice pulled Faith out of her thoughts.
"I don't know where they are yet. Please, Faith," the man took a careful step closer. "I heard what that boy tried to do to you, and sadly he won't be the only one. Too many have been hurt by your people and they're eager to take it out on anyone. If...if I help you, protect you while you work on the cure, I only ask that you use it to save my family. Please, whatever you want that I have it's yours. Just please spare and save my family."
Faith swallowed the dry lump that formed in her throat. She should be angry and hurt that the man was only swearing to protect her at a cost. She dealt with people like that all her life, people only being kind to her for something in return. Sex, drugs, help for better grades, money, the list went on. But she wronged this man first. She was so happy to be accepted into a loving family, and now she had to own up to her brother's actions.
"I would appreciate your help," she smiled, but then let it fall. With this man and the other people in the resistance she didn't need to play sweet, innocent Faith. Not anymore. "I will make the cure, and it will be yours to use. I'll help you find your family. But you owe me nothing. I won't take more from you."
The man's face slackened with relief. He moved quickly and suddenly gripped Faith's hands in his own. Jess growled and took a step towards them, but immediately paused when the man failed to do anything but practically kiss her fingers.
"Thank you." He looked towards their truck. "I have everything I need," he pulled away and lifted his shoulder to show the rifle that was slung on it. "I'll protect you day and night with my life."
Faith held his gaze. He spoke the truth. Finally, she nodded.
"I'm afraid you'll have to ride in the bed," Aiden told him with a smile. "And we leave now."
The ride to the hotel was long and every bump they hit aggravated Faith's churning stomach, but she held on. She didn't want to embarrass herself by becoming sick in front of everyone. As they approached the hotel Faith's resolve threatened to crumble, she told Aiden she was done hiding from the resistance, but the opportunity to be open about her survival was still nerve wracking. As they drove onto the hotels parking lot there was already a small group eyeing them, they were driving in a white truck stamped with the Project's symbol after all. By the time they parked and Faith climbed out of the vehicle she struggled not to go sprinting into the trees, by sheer willpower she managed to keep whatever was left in her system down.
The farmer that swore to protect her was true to his word. He kept to the front of Faith, his gaze looking in every which way, his rifle in his hands. The people at the hotel were quick to recognize Aiden at least, most of them visibly relaxed and some returned to patrolling the hotel's grounds.
Of course, Faith wasn't immediately noticed without her signature white dress. In jeans, a Hope County Cougar shirt, and a gray hoodie, she was hidden in plain sight until she stepped into the hotel. With most of the bruises on her face and black eye healed, people's eyes widened upon seeing her, many whispered to each other as they openly stared.
One of the men, most likely the one in charge of the group, stepped towards Aiden. "What's going on, deputy?" He asked. His gaze was focused mostly on Faith. Her fists tightened and she swallowed all of the excess saliva that rapidly pooled in her mouth. She refused to become sick in front of everyone, but the fear was making her nausea worse.
Aiden gave a similar explanation when Faith's identity was revealed at the brewery. Faith was indeed alive and his prisoner. With Janna, Jess and Howard, the farmer, all standing around her it did give the impression that she was guarded as a prisoner. There were still looks of disdain cast her way, but no one expressed hostility towards her like Brad had. More people looked apprehensive with Jess' presence.
"And why do you have an Angel with you? Why isn't she attacking?" The same man asked.
The junior deputy squared his shoulders. "She saved me from a Peggie and was fatally wounded as a result. To save her life we turned her into an Angel."
Some people looked at him in shock. More whispered to each other.
"Faith has been helping us. She's working on a cure to bring my friend back."
"Is that why you're here?"
Faith steeled her nerves and spoke up. All eyes immediately turned to her. "I need to use the water from the hot springs. It will help immensely if it isn't touched or have anything dumped into it."
The leader of the group pulled Aiden aside and spoke to him softly out of earshot. They didn't talk long though, afterwards Aiden led Faith to one of the vacant rooms on the second floor.
"So, everyone would feel safer if you remained in this room," Aiden explained, "if you need anything just let me know."
Faith couldn't say she was surprised. Considering how she was feeling she was okay with being bound to the room. "Once I set up the equipment, I'll need fresh water from the hot springs."
Aiden nodded and left to get a folding table for her and helped set up her makeshift lab. Once he left Faith alone, she felt her resolve dissolve. Her stomach churned painfully and she just made it into the bathroom. Minutes later she had been reduced to dry heaving when she heard a knock from her room door. With a groan, she stood and swayed towards the door. Aiden stood there with a beaker filled most likely with the hot springs water. He looked at her with a concerned expression. Faith noticed Jess and Howard stood beside her room door.
"You okay?" He asked.
Faith wiped some sweat from her brow and nodded. She didn't trust her voice from the bile and stomach acid she purged from her system. She took the beaker from him and returned to her lab equipment. Aiden didn't linger, thankfully, and she was left alone for the rest of the day. But her illness continued. She couldn't work on a cure sample long enough before she would become sick. The hot springs water would grow cold by the time her heaves stopped. She wasn't sure what Aiden did while she tried to work on the cure, it seemed like each time she poked her head out of the hotel room Aiden was nearby and ready to fetch whatever she needed.
There were always people from the resistance that seemed to keep an eye on her when she stepped out to get Aiden's attention, but between Jess, Janna and Howard she was always guarded, and she had no need to leave her room with Aiden visiting to give her food and water.
It was well into the late evening when Faith decided to simply give up and practically camp inside the bathroom. Her stomach cramps flared much too painfully if she so much as tried to stand up. The bathroom floor felt soothing against her fevered skin. A weak groan escaped her raw throat when she heard a knock. She curled herself into a tighter ball.
Please just go away, Faith thought.
The knocking continued for another minute until she heard the door open.
Go away, she wanted to say, but her throat hurt too much to vocalize her thoughts.
A louder knock erupted from the bathroom door this time. Faith slowly climbed onto her knees, but it wasn't to answer the door. Her stomach churned painfully again and she had to lean into the toilet and vomited for the umpteenth time that day. By the time she finished she barely had the energy to flush the toilet. She rested her face against the toilet seat and closed her eyes, tears leaked out from her eyelids.
Her ears perked upon the sound of another door opening and she jolted when something warm brushed against her back.
"It's okay, it's me," Aiden's voice said softly. His hand rubbed a small circle on her upper back. The motion felt heavenly against her tense muscles. "Janna said you had food poisoning."
Embarrassment flooded through Faith; she must look like an absolute mess.
"I noticed you haven't touched your food."
Faith groaned at his words, she felt bile rise into her throat again but she refused to be sick in front of Aiden.
"Have you been like this all day?" He asked. Her response was another groan and a nod. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Faith swallowed despite the horrid taste in her mouth. She tried to speak, but couldn't manage it, she shook her head.
Aiden stood and stepped out for a moment. When he returned he handed her a bottled water. Faith shook her head again. She couldn't even keep water down.
"Drink, Faith." He twisted the cap off and offered her the bottle again. "If you've been like this all day you're badly dehydrated. Even if you throw it back up you'll still absorb some of the water."
If the junior deputy hadn't been practically shoving the bottle in her face, Faith would have continued to refuse it. But water would cool the fire that was her throat. She finally accepted the bottle and took a small sip.
"There you go, small sips." Aiden resumed rubbing her back as she took another sip.
After a third her stomach threatened to rebel so she ceased. It was a mistake anyhow, her mouth watered with nausea again. Her cheeks felt molten in shame and embarrassment when she failed to keep the water down. At least the water didn't burn her throat as it came back up. When she was done, she realized Aiden held her hair back and continued to rub small circles between her shoulder blades.
A few minutes passed and Faith tried a little more water. Nausea stayed at bay and her stomach cramps eased ever so slightly. It seemed like the worst of her illness settled. For now.
Aiden grabbed one of the towels from the nearby wall rack and soaked it in the sink before he squeezed the excess water from it and began to dab at Faith's face. She was much too tired to feel embarrassed anymore and she enjoyed the way Aiden was taking care of her. Her parents never did this for her even when she was a child, the Father didn't either when she went through her withdrawal the first time. He had checked in on her, offered her soothing words, gave her a dose of scopolamine to ease her nausea, but he never physically took care of her. The Bliss herald hadn't realized she fell asleep until she felt Aiden's strong arms scoop her up.
"Where?" Talking flared her raw throat and tears swelled in her eyes.
"You need to rest," Aiden responded as he stepped into the room and gently placed her onto the bed.
"No," Faith whispered. She tried to force her eyes open, tried to pull out of his hold, but she was utterly drained of all energy. A small sigh escaped her lips when her aching body sunk into the soft mattress. "Need to," she yawned, "work."
A cool, damp cloth pressed against her face and wiped the sweat off of it. She managed to force one eye open and saw a large blurry figure sitting on the bed next to her. Maybe it was from her delirium from the fever, or from her exhaustion, maybe a combination of both, but Faith felt her lips pull into a weak smile and she reached for one of Aiden's hands. His hand was so much larger than hers, but his skin was warm and soft. She hummed in satisfaction when he didn't pull out of her grasp, she settled deeper into the covers and welcomed sleep.
Aiden waited patiently for Faith to fall into a comfortable slumber. When he felt her grip slacken, he carefully freed his hand. As creepy as it was he couldn't help but watch her for a moment or two. She looked peaceful while she slept and even more beautiful. It was odd to admire her striking looks now after he witnessed her in a very vulnerable state. He pretended to be unaware of the true reason why she was sick, but he admired the strong front she put. Despite how miserable she was she still pushed herself to work on the cure. She never complained and tried so hard to keep her condition hidden.
But he did wonder, why didn't she want to admit she was going through a drug withdrawal? Why pretend it was food poisoning? He would ask her later. For now he tidied up her room. He left a trash can next to her bed, just in case, then he took away the untouched food he brought her earlier, and fetched more water bottles.
Faith was probably able to sleep for an hour before she woke up ill. He kneeled next to her and did his best to comfort her, rubbed her back and held her hair out of the way. When she finished Aiden pressed a hand to her forehead. Her fever wasn't as severe when her leg wound got infected, but he didn't like how long she had been burning with fever. He turned and reached to turn on the shower.
Faith looked confused as she watched him. He left his hand under the spray until the water was decently cool. "Stay in the water for a few minutes so your temperature can go down a bit," he instructed. Before Faith could refuse, Aiden left the room to give the Bliss herald her privacy. He intended to head to the kitchen to find anything to help her stomach, tea or maybe even some soup broth or something so she could have a little something in her system.
Howard was guarding Faith's room, and he seemed to guess Aiden's destination correctly. "Mint or ginger tea."
Aiden paused and looked at him with an eyebrow raised. "Pardon?"
The older male nodded his head towards the closed door beside him. "Mint or ginger tea should help her stomach. Crackers too if she can keep them down. It's what my wife took for her morning sickness."
Grateful for the advice, Aiden sought out what was left in the hotel's kitchen. As usual it was mostly canned foods, but he was lucky enough to find a forgotten box of crackers hidden in the far back of the pantry and a cabinet filled with tea leaves were untouched.
While the junior deputy waited for the water to boil his thoughts drifted back to when Faith held his hand. It was strange how her touch made his heart skip a beat. Worse, he felt like a teenage boy again when he held hands with a girl for the first time. He leaned his elbows on a counter and rubbed the bridge of his nose, it was obvious he was falling for Faith more and more each time they interacted.
He tried to squash the growing feelings, they had no future together, but it was getting harder to keep trying to fool himself into believing he didn't feel anything for her. He thought before that they possibly couldn't even remain friends, but who was to say they couldn't? They could still remain in contact, phone calls, letters, he could even visit her. He doubted she would have anyone else visit her, the thought of her being alone in a prison made his heart heavy. When he was a prison guard there were a good number of prisoners that never received visitors or phone calls, they had no friends, no family. It saddened him to think of Faith being in that same position.
But there was the constant nagging in the back of his head that reminded him it wouldn't be proper for him to visit Faith in prison. He was a junior deputy and Faith would be known as a criminal that didn't just create a brainwashing hallucinogenic capable of making a person brain dead, she worked with a family that challenged the authority of not just the local law, but the entire country. How would it look for him to remain on friendly terms with a criminal like her? It could jeopardize his career, and he only just begun it!
Aiden slammed his fist down onto the counter. Maybe his father was right, his soft spot for children and women would get him in trouble in his line of work. Could that be Faith's ultimate plan? She was going down, the least she could do was take his career and his credibility. No, with how close they've become in recent days he could sense the honesty in her.
The tea kettle began to whistle, but he paid it no mind. He rubbed his eyes in frustration. Yes, he could finally admit to himself he was falling for Faith, hard. He just wished they met under different circumstances, he wished she wasn't a Seed, he wished they could spend more time together, learn more about each other. He wanted to know what her favorite color was, her favorite food, favorite movie, he wanted to know if she would be interested in fishing. To be able to go out in the lake on a boat, sit back and chat over a few beers while they waited for the fish to bite. He wanted to hear her laughter again, see that adorable dimple on her cheek when she smiled. He wanted to let her kiss him when she leaned towards him in the jail.
The whistling seemed to get louder and even though it was a minor annoyance it was enough to crack all of the emotions he tried so hard to keep bottled within himself. The guilt of killing countless people, he killed Jayce, a child, he failed to help so many people, failed to do his job. But most of all he was frustrated with himself that he allowed Faith Seed to worm her way inside his head. There would always be that tiny doubt in his mind that she was just manipulating him despite the confidence he had in her honesty. She proved to him so many times she was trustworthy. And now he couldn't get her out of his head.
All of his emotions were on the brink of bursting out of his chest and he was suddenly swinging his arm at the whistling kettle to silence it. It was made mostly of metal and it was hot, merely touching it for a second burned his skin. He had to take a few deep breaths before he gave into the temptation to kick at the innocent pot. The last thing he needed was to send boiling water in every direction.
With a deep sigh, Aiden plopped himself onto a nearby stool and slumped. He should keep his distance from Faith, minimize contact with her, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He's seen Faith at her worst, and now she was suffering the consequences of using drugs to possibly comfort herself while she was in Hope County jail. While he would always have that tiny sliver of hesitance to fully trust her, he knew that deep down Rachel was still inside Faith, still alone and in need of anyone willing to offer a helping hand to pull her out of the darkness.
With another sigh, Aiden climbed to his feet and carefully picked up the tea kettle from the floor. It had landed in a way where there was still enough water in it to fill a mug. If Faith was successful in creating a cure, he would consider that her second step to redemption. The first step was when she shared the anti-Bliss concoction.
She had made another batch for the people here at the hotel and he demonstrated its authenticity, it was enough to quell most of the hostility everyone had for her. And with the prospect of her cure to reverse the Angel process, everyone sat back with baited breath. He didn't know how far along she was into making the cure, and with her withdrawals it would probably delay it, but he would have to start arranging a plan to get her out of the place before the resistance felt she outlived her usefulness.
He returned to Faith's room with a steaming mug of mint tea and the crackers.
Most of the hotel rooms still had the luggage from the former occupants before the cult took over the county by force. Faith's room was one of them. When Aiden stepped into her room she was finished with her shower and sat on the edge of the bed, she sported a pair of blue basketball shorts that reached down to her calves and a black tank top. It seemed like the previous occupant of her room was male. Aiden couldn't stifle the snicker that escaped him when he saw Faith, even when she wore men's clothes that were much too large for her she still looked radiant. His sudden change of thoughts just from being around her made him want her more. He was different in her presence, he felt like he could be himself, he didn't have to be the leader or the problem solver.
"I don't know if you like tea," Aiden told her as he crossed the room. He handed her the steaming mug before he set the packet of crackers on the bedside table. "But it should help your stomach."
Faith was still pale looking, but she looked much more refreshed. Aiden pressed a hand to her forehead again, the shower helped lower her fever, but she was still a little warm. As she sipped the steaming tea, Aiden sat next to her.
"Listen, Faith," he started. "Your illness isn't because of food poisoning, is it?"
The woman next to him visibly stiffened. It took her a moment before she finally nodded, but she said nothing more.
"It has something to do with those marks on your arm, doesn't it?" She was still silent, but she lowered her head in guilt. Aiden sighed softly. "I'm sorry."
Faith looked up at him with a frown. "Why," she licked her lips and cleared her throat, her voice sounded a little rough. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"Tell me truthfully, Faith," Aiden began, "you didn't get the drugs yourself, did you? Someone gave them to you. Right?"
She pressed her lips together. After a moment she gave a small nod.
"Were they forced onto you?"
She answered by shaking her head.
"You said you took them before the cult as a form of comfort, right? It was a way to get away from everything."
Another nod.
"So my guess is that you took them now as a way to comfort yourself from what my friends did to you."
Faith didn't answer, but she didn't deny it either. That was as much as a confirmation to Aiden's theory as he would get from her.
"That's why I'm apologizing. I put you in that situation. And I'm sorry for that. Your safety was my responsibility and I failed. Now you're," he paused and motioned to her with a hand, "you're going through hell. I've seen what people go through during drug withdrawals. It's horrible. I'm sorry."
Despite the dimmed lighting in the room, Aiden could see how Faith's eyes softened as she listened to his rant. Finally, she shook her head.
"My own fault," she said softly, "I've had a lot of time to think and...it's my family's fault for how your friends treated me. Violence begets violence. I deserved it."
It was Aiden's turn to frown. "While that may be true, I had hoped my friends were above that. If we're not open to forgiveness, we're no better than the cult. A friend of mine in Fall's End, Pastor Jerome taught me that. He's helped some people escape the cult. I should have taken you to him instead. All this could have been avoided."
Faith fingered the rim of her mug. "No, there is also some truth in what the Father preaches. During my first...withdrawal he told me that through delirium and suffering I would find peace. If your friends hadn't treated me the way they did I wouldn't have appreciated your kindness nearly as much as I do now."
"If everyone had treated you like a person—"
"—I might still be loyal to the Father," Faith interrupted.
"Or you could have regretted your decisions," Aiden argued.
A soft huff escaped the Bliss herald. "It's fruitless to debate how differently things would have worked out. What's done is done. We're here now, I'm close to creating the Angel reversal and then you'll be ready to face the Father."
Aiden shook his head. "You're really something else, Faith." A small smile grew on his face. "Despite what Jess did to you, you still saved her life. And you've been working hard to bring her back."
The younger woman sighed. "I didn't save her life because I wanted to."
"Then why did you do it?"
Faith looked at him then. "Because she's...important to you. I didn't want to see you sad."
Aiden gripped his pants hard. It took all of his willpower not to pull the woman into a tight embrace. "There you go again doing things to make others happy. Have you done anything that makes you happy?"
A wrinkle between Faith's delicate eyebrows formed.
"You're wrong about one thing though."
She tilted her head curiously. While most people Aiden knew would become upset at being told they were wrong, Faith merely waited to hear his reason for it.
"You didn't deserve that kind of treatment."
"But I did horrible things, Aiden. Many of the people here have lost their loved ones because of me."
"Did you want to hurt those people? Did you truly send people to kill others?" He eyed her body language critically.
"No," she answered simply and held his gaze. "But I accepted the Father's cruelty, I believed it was necessary, and then I took it as my purpose to do what he expected. I turned a blind eye to the violence around me."
"And it all comes down to the very reason why you followed Joseph. You only wanted what you didn't have all your life, and unfortunately the price for it was very high. You didn't deserve the tragic life you've had; no one deserves that kind of pain and loneliness."
Faith grimaced and looked down. Aiden waited until she lifted her chin back up and looked at him again.
"Despite all the abuse and bullying you endured you remained a good, kind, beautiful and smart woman. What you did deserve from your parents was their love and protection. You didn't deserve the bullying or cold indifference from everyone else. And even when you joined the cult you still tried to avoid violence. The only thing a person like you deserves is to be loved, cherished and protected."
There was a shine in Faith's eyes as looked at him, then she finally broke the eye contact and looked down. She fumbled with her mug for a moment before she set it on the bedside table. "What we deserve and actually get rarely coincide," she whispered. "The tea helped, thank you." She appeared to hesitate a moment before she placed a hand on Aiden's thigh. "Thank you, for everything. No one's done that for me before. But I'm tired."
He nodded. "Get some rest. Oh, and Howard suggests sleeping sitting upright." He helped her prop some pillows against the headrest, it didn't take long for her breathing to slow after she closed her eyes.
With the memory of her hand on his leg still implanted in his brain, Aiden knew he wouldn't get much sleep. He took Howard's place for a few hours before he retired for the night.
The evening was rough. Despite how exhausted Faith was she couldn't sleep for any longer than an hour. She would either wake up nauseated or she would just wake and couldn't go back to sleep. It was frustrating, and there were a few times that she wanted to snap at Aiden when he hovered over her. But her appreciation for him trying to comfort and take care of her overpowered her misery.
She hadn't eaten in well over twenty-four hours so all she would vomit was bile and stomach acid, plus the little tea or water she would try to drink. When her stomach cramps eased, she tried to work on the cure. She had little progress.
"You should try to rest," Aiden reminded her for the twelfth time. Faith had kept count.
She sighed, but continued pouring some solutions together. "I can't sleep, and this is a welcome distraction." She hadn't told Aiden that besides her cramps and nausea, she was having a near unbearable craving for another dose. Working helped keep her mind off the cravings a little. It also helped distract her from her thoughts.
Her mind kept replaying Aiden's words from the previous night. It was hard to describe how she felt when he told her that she deserved better, that she deserved the one thing she only ever wanted. She waited and hoped he would go further and admit to wanting to give her what he felt she deserved, but when he didn't, she physically felt a pain in her chest. She knew it wasn't biologically possible for a heart to be broken, but that's how it felt.
She wanted Aiden, but she knew it wouldn't be possible.
So, she did her best to force last night's conversation out of her head and poured all of her concentration on her work. It was still difficult when powerful waves of nausea or stomach cramps struck, but at least Aiden's comfort helped her feel better, it got her to not dwell on wanting more drugs just so she could stop feeling so horrible. But she could only take so much.
Midway through the day, Faith was feeling so exhausted mentally from pushing herself to stabilize the cure, physically from being so sick and emotionally from wanting more from Aiden that she finally cracked.
She was hunched over the toilet waiting to see if her body would continue expelling the little contents of her stomach when she failed to suppress the tears that leaked out of her eyes. She looked to Aiden, he had been beside her again, holding her hair and rubbing her back.
"Please, Aiden," she pleaded with a hoarse voice. "I need more, another dose, anything to make this go away."
Aiden frowned so deeply his eyebrows nearly touched. "No, you don't."
"Yes, I do!" Faith cried out. "Just one more so I can feel normal again. Just one. No more after that. Please."
"No," he told her firmly, "you may feel better now but then you'll end up like this again. And what then? You take to the needle again to avoid the withdrawals? It'll never end. No, Faith."
It was like her body reacted upon hearing the word no and rebelled. She dry heaved twice, the action flared a stomach cramp and she curled up to ease the pain. A sob escaped her.
"Please," she begged.
Her vision blurred from her tears; all she could see was movement from Aiden. She recognized the warm strength of his arms as they wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her until her cheek pressed against his chest.
"You don't need that stuff. Not anymore. You did this before and got through it. You can do it again."
"I can't," she cried.
His embrace tightened. "You're so much stronger than you think, Faith. You've been through literal hell and back and you're still the same person. You will get through this."
Aiden's encouragement helped ground her and give her the motivation to make his words true. She still craved another dose, but in a few more days she would get through it. Content in his arms, Faith's sobs and rapid breathing settled. Her small outburst left her feeling drained. With the warmth of Aiden's embrace she started to doze off.
Aiden pulled away slightly. "Let's get you to bed," he told her.
Faith muttered something under her breath, her arms wrapped around his waist in an attempt to act like an anchor and keep him rooted on the spot. She was so comfortable she didn't want either of them to move. The junior deputy chuckled, the deep vibration of the act lulled Faith deeper into slumber's seduction.
"Come on, the bed will be more comfortable. You've been pushing yourself hard today, a little rest will be all you need to figure out the cure."
With his help, Faith climbed to her feet with shaking legs. He led her to the bed and that was all she remembered. The next thing she knew was waking up to an empty room, but her observant eyes noticed a mug of tea on the bedside table. It was fresh, steam danced above the liquid. She slowly sipped at it to settle the churning of her stomach.
When the tea stayed down, she stood and felt coherent enough to crave a shower. The suitcase in her room had plenty of clothes to borrow, but it was filled only with men's clothes that were much too large for her. She wondered if she could have Aiden bring her a bag with women's clothes, or if she could at least wash her own. She much preferred to use her own undergarments, but they were in need of a wash.
The sound of the shower attracted Aiden. A few minutes after she finished showering, he checked in on her.
"Hey," he greeted. "How are you feeling? Hungry?"
The mere thought of food made Faith groan. She quickly shook her head. "I do feel better after some sleep, but I don't think I'm ready for food just yet."
The older male nodded and turned to leave the room, but Faith quickly stopped him. "Could I leave this room so I could at least wash some clothes? Borrowing clothes is one thing, but I draw the line at borrowing underwear."
Aiden looked to ponder the request for a moment and then he shrugged one shoulder. "That shouldn't be a problem. No one really seems to use the laundry room anyway. Got your things?"
Faith bundled her clothes into a pile in her arms and followed the junior deputy. The hotel seemed deserted for the most part. Most of the men and women could be heard talking from the first floor or seen patrolling outside. There were two men sitting in the far corner of the second floor behind a bar. They ceased their conversation and openly stared at Faith and Aiden as they passed by. Faith was worried they would be followed, but the men stayed where they were and resumed their conversation once they were out of view.
"So here we are."
Faith looked around. The room was small with a few washers and dryers against the farthest wall, shelves hung above the machines where both liquid and powdered detergent and fabric softeners rested. Faith assumed Aiden would hover over her as he's done whenever he checked in on her and found her sick in the bathroom, but he stepped out of the room where his heavy footsteps could be heard pacing.
Thankfully there were several small luggage bags dumped in a corner, some of them had been opened and clothes spilled out onto the floor. Faith tossed her own clothes into an unused washer and helped herself to rummaging through the bags. If she could just find some decent clothes she would be satisfied. She hated having to walk around in basketball shorts that may as well have been pants and sport jerseys.
One bag proved to be useful. Its owner had been a woman with a very similar physique as Faith. There were several pairs of jeans, shorts, joggers, mostly t-shirts, and even pajamas. She pulled the bag aside to take back with her and continued looking through the bags in hopes of finding shoes that would fit. The current ones she had were a little too big which made it difficult to walk. If she ever had to run she preferred to be wearing shoes that were in her size.
She couldn't help but smile when she opened another bag and found it practically halfway filled with candy. It had been so long since she had any sweets, she didn't have much of a sweet tooth, but every now and then she craved chocolate. Would Aiden be against her taking any? She peered over her shoulder to make sure he wasn't watching her. With no sign of him she grabbed some chocolate bars and put them into the bag she claimed for herself.
The next bag she opened she heard a paper rip when she pulled the zipper. It looked to be a handwritten letter, dirty and crumbled. Curious, she picked up the two pieces of paper and began to read.
You're not the first one, Selena.
You're not the first woman he's used up and thrown away.
For years I'd been hearing this Faith Seed was tall as her brother, with black hair. Couldn't miss her.
And then I saw you in one of their trucks last week, yellow hair in the breeze, and heard them calling you Faith.
He thinks he can just SWAP YOU OUT. Like you don't got a brain of your own.
God knows who you are, and so do you.
Selena, I love you.
Don't lose yourself to this.
Faith felt her heart sink the more she read. By the time she finished her chest swelled with sorrow. She knew she wasn't the first. And she remembered the other letter that Tracey showed her. But she couldn't help feeling like she had been betrayed.
The Father made her feel like she was special. She truly felt like he loved her like a sister. He legally adopted her as such. But to know that he made other women feel the same way and yet he replaced them so easily, she couldn't fight the growing sense of doubt for his feelings towards her.
Tracey and Aiden were right. She was special to him because of her role in co-creating the Bliss. If she hadn't helped create it would someone else be known as Faith Seed? When news of her death reached his ears did he have a replacement ready?
The thought made her chest hurt and tears cascaded down her cheeks. She didn't want Aiden to hear her, she embarrassed herself in front of him plenty of times now. As much as she cherished the way he would comfort her she just wanted to be alone. She would have to become used to it after all. She no longer had a family. She lost her only friend.
She was alone again.
Faith couldn't keep the growing sob quiet. The moment she sniffled she sensed Aiden behind her. Before he could ask what was wrong, she turned and handed him the torn letter.
He took the letter and read it quickly. His expression started with curiosity and then turned to anger. His anger was contagious, the more Faith digested the idea of being so easily replaceable her sorrow melted into anger as well.
"I'm sorry," Aiden told her gently.
He seemed to want to offer her comfort, but Faith was feeling much too angry. She took a step back and shook her head before she turned her attention back to the clothes she had washing. They were done so she tossed them into a dryer. She didn't feel like talking, there wasn't anything to say. And she was starting to feel nauseous again. But whether she was feeling sick because of her withdrawals or from the betrayal she felt she didn't know. Not that it mattered.
Once her clothes were done, she shoved them into her new bag and returned to her room with Aiden trailing behind.
"Need anything else?"
Faith nodded. "I need more water from the hot springs."
To distract herself from everything, Faith poured herself into her work. There were still a few times she couldn't ignore the nausea, but she always forced herself to stand back up and return to her lab equipment. She lost track of time, especially since she had no way to measure it with no watch and the hotel room had no clock. When night had fallen, she covered the window with the thick curtain and turned the lights on. She was unsure if it was the next morning or afternoon when she realized she did it.
It was truly like that saying, she felt so relieved it was literally as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She smiled as she looked at the small flask that was filled with a light blue liquid.
It was the cure.
The feelings of sorrow and self pity were gone and replaced with excitement.
"Aiden!" She shouted.
Not a second passed when the door slammed open. Only it wasn't Aiden who rushed in with a rifle drawn, it was Howard. He scanned the room for any sign of a threat, when he found none he relaxed and then looked at Faith.
She watched him with a huge grin and pointed to the flask on the table. "Please bring Aiden. And tell him to bring Jess."
