Chapter 32: Saying Hello

Disclaimer: A few passages in this chapter are from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Those passages are the property of J.K. Rowling.

Fourth Year

Once he told her where he wanted to return to Godric's Hollow, Tawny insisted on stopping by their house first to ask Remus and Harry if they wanted to join. Little did Sirius know he wasn't the only one that hadn't returned to Godric's Hollow since that night. When they placed the memorial sign in front of the ruins of the Potter house, Tawny and Remus couldn't bring themselves to go. Harry was so young, and the two were physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from taking care of him on top of their grief. Harry had asked a few times over the years about it, but Tawny and Remus would always push off the trip.

When they had their appointments with Aurora Delaney, she had recommended to them too to go back to Godric's Hollow, but neither of them felt that they could handle going back. But now, with Sirius insisting he needed this to heal, Tawny decided Remus and Harry needed the option of going as well. Harry was incredibly willing, and Remus agreed that after thirteen years he had been putting it off long enough.

Giving Harry his first taste of apparition, they all appeared on the street at Godric's Hollow, just down from James and Lily's old house. After that night, the ministry had come in, repaired all the streetlamps, wiped the memories of the neighbors, and spelled the house so that muggles could no longer see it. As wizards though, the four of them could see everything.

Seeing the destruction, Tawny gasped, dropping Sirius had to cover her mouth. "Merlin…" Remus whispered, aghast at the scene before him. Harry fell silent, staring blankly at the house. From the looks of it, anyone who came to see it wouldn't believe that he had managed to leave it alive, with only a lightning scar.

Sirius, on the other hand, didn't flinch at the ruins of the Potter house. He kept moving forward, needing to see it up close. The house was just as Sirius remembered it. However, after thirteen years of it sitting idle, it now appeared overgrown. Vines began growing up the house, creeping in through the shattered windows. The yard was unkempt, grass growing wildly in the areas that hadn't been completely scorched. It appeared as if the ministry had added a low stone wall with a gate around the house, purposefully keeping out members of the community. Disregarding the message, Sirius pushed open the gate to visit his friend's house one more time.

As Sirius pushed open the gate, a weathered wooden sign with antique gold lettering rose the from brush stopping him in his tracks. He paused to read the passage while Tawny, Harry, and Remus came to join him.

On this spot, on the night of the 31st of October 1981,

Lily and James Potter lost their lives.

Their son, Harry, remains the only wizard

to have survived the Killing Curse.

This house, invisible to Muggles, has been left

in its ruined state as a monument to the Potters

and as a reminder to the violence

that tore apart their family.

A reminder to the violence that tore apart their family. Sirius couldn't help but realize how true that was. Their family had been James, Lily, Harry, him, Tawny, Remus, and Peter. By the end of the night, their family had been ripped apart. James and Lily were dead, Peter was in the wind, and Sirius had been thrown in Azkaban. Who knew one night could do so much damage?

Tearing himself away from the sign, he pushed through the gate and into the yard. He stopped just short of the walkway, kneeling down to touch the grass. Flashes of that night filled his mind. It was as if he could still see James lying there…

"What is it, Pads?" Remus asked, joining him.

"This… this is where I found him. The bloody idiot ran out to face Voldemort without his wand. Typical James, always forgetting the damn thing." Sirius let out a small laugh along with a few tears.

"You actually saw him… I can't imagine… that would keep me up at night too." Remus sighed. "This used to be such a happy place… Do you remember when you bought Harry that toy broom for his first birthday? James would put him on it, and he'd fly around the yard, giggling while James chased after him."

Just like before when he could almost see James lying there, it was as if he could see him alive once again. Instead of darkness fueling his memory, he was filled with warmth as he pictured the two just ahead of him, watching as Harry flew in circles and James would jump to catch him, but purposefully come up short just to make Harry laugh.

"Lily hated that thing. She thought Harry would fall off and hurt himself."

"He did once," Tawny said as she and Harry joined them. "But he didn't cry. He just laughed, told James 'again, daddy!' so he put him right back on it and resumed playing."

Tawny and Remus continued to share stories, trying to bring back the positive memories associated with the Potter House. As Sirius listening, he noticed Harry approaching the house slowly. He made his way to the front door, his hand shaking as he reached up to touch the empty door frame. The door itself was a few yards behind him from where it had come off its hinges during the explosion.

Sirius got up, leaving Tawny and Remus behind to approach Harry. "Where you're standing is the first place, I saw you that night. Hagrid had been cradling you in his arms… you were so small compared to him."

"Still am." Harry sniffled, wiping a tear from his cheek as he turned to face his godfather.

"Everyone is." Sirius laughed lightly. "I can't tell you how relieved I was to see you safe amid chaos. It's probably my only happy memory from that night..."

"It's hard to believe I could've grown up here with them."

"I know… our house is much better." Harry couldn't help but laugh. "I want to see them."

"Then let's go," Sirius said, wrapping his arm around Harry's shoulder and directing them toward the cemetery with Tawny and Remus trailing behind them.

As they walked past the headstones in the cemetery, Sirius couldn't help but notice all the familiar names. Between the Pervells and the Dumbledores, every famous wizarding family was buried here. Except for the Blacks, of course. Walburga and Orion wouldn't be caught dead in Godric's Hollow, literally dead.

"Here they are," Harry said, stopping in front of a dual headstone reading:

James Potter

Born 27 March 1960

Died 31 October 1981

Lily Potter

Born 30 January 1960

Died 31 October 1981

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

Upon reading the words, Sirius let go of Harry and fell to his knees. Since their deaths, Sirius had longed to see his friends again, just… not like this: their whole lives resulting in a single stone before his eyes… it made his heart physically hurt at the sight. Unable to hold back his tears any longer, he let them fall, one by one hitting the lower-left corner of the headstone.

"How do I do this?" Sirius asked, choking on his tears. "How do I say goodbye?"

"Instead of saying goodbye, why don't we say hello?" Harry said, kneeling next to Sirius. "Hey, Mum… dad… It's Harry. It's been a while." Harry smiled, placing a hand on his parents' headstone before continuing.

"I didn't get a chance to really know before, but I still feel like do… know you that is. Tawny, Remus and now Sirius have told many so many stories. Like when you turned into an animagus for the first-time dad, you couldn't figure out how to change back. Sirius said you were stuck as a stag for two days before Remus could figure out how to turn you back." Sirius remembered that event very clearly. He had to cover for James in all his classes, telling McGonagall and Slughorn a string of ridiculous stories that he was sure neither of them truly believed.

"Or when you scored all those goals against Slytherin and won the quidditch cup your sixth year. They still have a trophy with your name on it at school."

"They do, I've seen it." Remus chimed in.

"Mum, Tawny told me about that time you sent bludgers after dad and Sirius for cursing her sweets to make her vomit slugs. She said she had never been more scared and prouder of you at the same time. Or when you kissed dad at Hogsmeade that Christmas and ran out of the pub because you were embarrassed."

"She complained about that for an entire month," Tawny added. "She was in denial about your dad, kind of like I was with Sirius."

"I don't win every quidditch match dad, and mum, I'm definitely didn't get your brains, but…" Harry paused, taking a deep breath and wiping another tear from his cheek, "wherever you are, I hope you're proud of me because I couldn't be prouder to be your son."

"They are proud of you, Harry. We all are." Tawny assured him.

For a moment the group fell quiet, unsure of what to say next. Breaking the silence, Remus said, "I'll go, I guess. Hey Prongs… Lils… I want to say thank you. You both taught me a lot of things over the years and prepared me for a lot. More than I could've ever read in a book. But when you… left… I had to learn how to be a father. I never thought I was going to be one. I was always too terrified of passing on the werewolf gene that I cut myself off from even thinking about having kids. And then I got Harry." He smiled, resting a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"At the beginning, I didn't know how you did it? How did he stay up all night as he cried? How did you love someone so much that any time they were out of your grasp you were worried something would happen to them? How did you live with that fear? I made my fair share of mistakes. And every time I did, when I thought I failed at being a dad you were with me. James, I kept hearing you say, 'Come on Remus, don't let my kid take you down!' And Lily, you'd tell me, 'you're stronger than you know, Remus. Get back up and try again. You'll only really fail if you stop trying.' Channeling you both made me a better father. Or at least I hope so. That one you'll have to consult Harry about."

"You're a great dad, Uncle Remus," Harry said, reaching up to squeeze his hand.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though you're gone you never really left me. I don't think you ever will." Remus sniffed. "Tawny, your turn."

"Oh, okay. Um… hey, Lily, I'm sorry... give me a moment." Tawny said, doing her best to stifle her tears. "Lily… I miss you. Merlin, I miss you every damn day. You're my best friend and the sister I always wanted…When I'm stuck and I need to figure something out, I always ask myself what would Lily Evans do? I usually find my answer that way. And on my worst days, I think about you, James. I think of you when I need a laugh. All I have to do is look around me and I can find something to laugh about because I know you'd be making some corny joke or a deer pun… so many deer puns." She said smiling. She was right, Sirius thought, once they became animagi James never missed an opportunity to make a deer pun. 'I'll miss you deerly' was his favorite to use whenever he left one of them.

"I see you both in Harry. James, he's the spitting image of you, down to the messy hair and the glasses. But Lily, he has your eyes. I see so much of both you in him. His bravery, his compassion, his lust for adventure, his wit, his fight, and his willingness to protect the people he loves, no matter the cost. Hell, the only thing he got from Remus and I was his sarcasm. As his mother-figure, half of those things give me heart palpitations. But they show me, that even though you're gone, you still live on in Harry."

In this short time Sirius had really gotten to know Harry, he knew exactly what Tawny meant. Hell, in his testimony alone he saw all those qualities in him. Now that he was going to have the chance to truly be his godfather, he knew that he'd get to see more of James and Lily in him every day.

"Sirius, now you go," Tawny said, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Prongs… James… mate… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know better. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you when you needed me to the most." There he was sinking into his habits, telling himself that it was all his fault. Trying to control the thoughts, he took a deep breath and said, "But, I'm learning that it's not all my fault, that I shouldn't blame myself for your deaths. I'm trying to forgive myself… but it's going to take a while before I can come to terms with that…

"I miss you both so bloody much. James, I miss planning pranks for weeks in advance, and coming to you when I had a bad day and needed someone to tell me to 'suck it up, let's go play quidditch,' and then we'd go out on the pitch for hours and take turns being keeper and chaser. You always got me out of my head. I miss our late-night talks at Fleamont and Euphemia's where we'd talk about life after Hogwarts, about joining the Order, and the women we were hopelessly in love with." There were so many nights the two stayed up late talking about Lily and Tawny. If anyone else overheard them they'd think they were gossiping like a couple of girls. But the truth is, both of them just needed some to share everything with. One of those talks in the reason the following day, they ended up going to a jewelry shop, and both buying engagement rings.

"And Evans… yes, I'm still going to call you Evans, I miss your confidence in me. You pushed me to go after what I want. Whether that was to be with Tawny, to become an Auror or to get my bike. I know, you didn't mean to encourage, but I still got it. I miss you yelling at me and James for being idiots. I know that sounds stupid, but I just miss hearing your voice… I'd do anything to hear you yelling at us one more time…

"I have a lot to thank you both for. Because of you, I have a woman I love more than anything. Now that I have her back, I'm never letting her go." Sirius said, reaching up to take Tawny's hand. "Because of you, I have an amazing godson. He's just like you both, except it think he gets up to more trouble than we ever did. I'm lucky I get the chance to see him grow into a man. And I can't forget Remus. Because of you, I have a mate that will never leave my side. One that after all this time, after all my stupidity, never gave up on me. I thank you, James, for helping mend our relationship after what I did to Snape. I don't know what I would do without him now… I don't know what to do in a world without either of you. I still have a lot to figure out. About the world, about myself…about being a godfather to a teenager. Shit, this is going to be hard. Now is the time I need you more than ever, and you're not here…" Sirius said, breaking down once more. "I don't want to say goodbye. Delaney told me I needed to, but I can't. Saying goodbye means you're leaving me… and I want to carry you with me… until the very end."

The four stayed there for a while, hoping one of them would know what to say next. After a while of silence and reflection, they decided it was time to go home. But that night they made a promise… that they were going to come to say hello to James and Lily more often. Talking to them, even if it was just their headstone, made them feel more connected to James and Lily than they had in a long time, for Harry, ever. They knew they had to come back and share what's been going on in their lives. Just to keep them close. To remind them that even if they were no longer there, they would never truly leave them.