They worship me.

They call me the greatest. The smartest. The strongest. The fastest. The wisest. The kindest. The hokageist.

I am none of that.

And so much more.

They call me Uchiha Jon. Jon Uchiha. Or is it Jon the Uchiha? Jon the Last Uchiha...?

Whatever, you know the deal.

I am none of that.

And so much more.

And now I'm the bitch.

That's right. The author is making me a girl with a chip on her shoulder that's holding her back from being the greatest, and is now instead the weakest.

Fuck you author, I'm a gary-stu for life!

"Nope."

"NANI?! You have an actual voice now?!"

"No, you're talking to yourself."

"God. Damn. It."

"Well, what's the deal this time? Gunna go sail the Grand Line, finally?"

"Nope."

"Then what?"

"Got nothing. Winging it."

"FFS."

"This and the other new story gunna be the last fan fictions for a long time. That one is serious, and gunna be well thought-out. This one, an exercise in stupid lazy."

"You're going to run a train on me, aren't you?"

"Ha! Ha! Hahahahaha! Just you wait!"

"You can't scare me, author!"

"Then you are the fooliest of the biggest of the fools, Jon!"

"About that. Can I at least get a pretty girl name so I don't feel so out of place?"

"No."

"Fuck you."

"Be careful."

"God. Damn. It." "So, where am I, even?"

That was a good question, the wise little girl asked, but then she had to not be so wise, because she was blinded by that sharp pain in her shoulder.

"Oh, good. You're nerfing my intelligence, too. Fuck you. Just fuck you."

Slowly, in the distance, Jon sees a cloud of dust coming towards her at an alarming speed. Once the dust gets close enough for it to be seen through, Jon counts about 100 football players. "Oh, God no," Jon says, apologizing to the author. "Yes, yes, I am sorry." The football players run past Jon, and she collapses to the ground, crying tears of relief. "You do show mercy, sometimes!"

"Sometimes? You were a godamn god in the last two series and got to bang the three hottest characters your age in it."

Jon thinks wisely about her next words, or as wisely as a dumb girl can. "Thank you," she says, and sighs. "This is really mean, though..."

Jon then starts thinking up a nice new name for herself.

"Really?"

Really.

"Yay!"

How about Jona?

"Too lazy."

Okay... Jean?

"Jeiny!"

Uchiha Jeiny?

"Why not?"

Fine.

"Hahaha! Tricked you, author! Now I get all the wishes!"

Author laughs. No, you grant all the wishes, bitch!

Uchiha Jeiny falls to her knees. "God, damn you."

Damn me all you want, but you did this to yourself.

Jeiny mumbles under her breath, "As if. Now I'm too stupid to control the Fourth Wall and can only see it, that's what's happening, huh?"

Yep.

Jeiny tsks. "Not cool to give someone so much freedom, then take it away from them."

What kinda god would I be if I weren't a contradictory asshole?

"A good one?"

...I want to hit you for that...

"But that'd just prove my point, eh?"

Yes, I suppose so.

"See what I did there? You tried to make me stupid by limiting my power, but I can control the Fourth Wall by wising it up!"

...I hate you...

"Who's in control now, bitch?!"

The sound of a stampede comes from behind Jeiny. "Ack! I'm sorry!"

Damn straight.

"I dun wanna bang dudes as a chick, though," Jeiny whines.

Fine. If you don't want to, that'd be pretty unethical of me.

"Yay! I get to sex hot chicks as a chick?"

You always could have. You have transformation jutsu, you know that, right?

Jeiny's eyes tremble as she stares at the ground. "God. Damn. It."

And you could have cloned yourself, too, but you badmouthed clones at the start of the series, huh?

"...I'll be right back..."

Where are you going?

"To bang my girlfriends in every way imaginable, of course."

Nah, you have none yet. This is a fresh start.

"Oh, okay. So like, a real adventure, or something?"

As real as this shit can get, yes.