Chapter 35.
Dean's shoulders felt heavy and his eyes kept wanting to close. He was drinking more of Sarah's strong coffee and he could feel his tired nerves clinging to the caffeine and trying to use it as fuel. Sarah's parlour was too comfortable and it was becoming a struggle not to fall asleep. Generally, a night with no sleep gave him a weird sort of high, whereas a night of broken sleep was exhausting, but he had been running on empty for a long time and he needed rest. He knew that by the time the other two arrived, he would be a wreck.
"You could go to bed for a few hours." said Sarah.
"I'm fine." he said, marvelling at how his mouth could still keep pushing out nonsense like that when his brain could scarcely think, "I should stay awake."
"Your decision." she said, "Let me distract you from your tiredness by asking you for three things that make you happy."
"The first two that spring to mind, I don't want to mention in front of a lady."
She smiled. "I love your sense of humour. I love that it never leaves you, even when things are rough. It's part of your strength, that and the stubbornness that makes you so determined to stay awake. It makes me very happy to know that there is a little core of positivity that constantly undermines the cynicism you try so hard to embrace."
"I don't think I understood any of that." he said, "Can you dumb it down to GED level?"
"I'm not dumbing anything down for you, Dean. You understand me just fine and I understand you. You're not willing to talk about things that make you happy. If I asked you what makes Sam happy ... "
"Books, health food and fantasy movies. Geek stuff."
"So what makes you happy?"
"Whisky, Def Leppard and driving fast on the open road."
"You're not even trying. Is it that hard to consider your own happiness? What about Castiel? What makes him happy?"
"I wish I knew." he said, "I have tried and tried to find out. Maybe it takes someone like Jules. Maybe she can make him happy, if he'll give her a chance. Why is he holding back?"
"He's always cautious." said Sarah, "His past mistakes haunt him. He's afraid of being hurt, but much more afraid of hurting her. But she seems able to wait until he feels able to commit."
"If he and Sam can find some form of lasting happiness, I won't need to look any further for mine." he said.
"There's nothing you want for yourself? Or is it that there is nothing you will allow yourself, because the torturer needs to be punished?"
"Maybe I don't believe I will be allowed to keep anything good and believe me, not having something is about a million times better than having it and then seeing it torn away. But then, I don't have to tell you that."
"I disagree. It's better to have loved and lost ... I don't wish I'd never had David and Carl in my life. I can live forever on my happy memories of them."
"I think that's the first time you've mentioned your husband by name." he said.
"Is it? I know Castiel knows his name. I worry that I bore him, talking about David."
"You never will. Castiel never gets bored. I mean, sometimes he talks to Sam ... by choice."
"Dean, don't be mean to your brother."
"No, Ma'am. I'll be good." He looked at the mug in his hands. "You never challenged what I said about never having been in love."
"No." she said.
"Because you believed me?"
"No." she said.
"Ah. Well, it's mostly true. There were two women I tried to love. I really tried. Cassie seemed like everything I wanted, so I told her what I did. I told her the truth."
"What happened?"
"She called me crazy and ended the relationship. I mean, I get it. It did sound pretty crazy, but I trusted her with the truth and she ... "
"She broke your heart." said Sarah.
"Maybe she just shook it into realising it wasn't made for love." he said, "I never repeated the mistake."
"But you said there were two women." she said.
"Okay, I repeated it once, but I didn't really believe that could work. I just believed I could make one of us believe in it, maybe both of us, for a while. It wasn't love, though I loved her and her kid. Lisa." He took a long drink of the coffee. "Sorry, I know I brought it up, but I don't think I can talk about this. Not my finest hour."
"It's good that you brought it up. I know it's easier to just cycle through all the old lies and convince everybody that all's well, especially when you feel so tired, but you're making a real effort not to do that and I appreciate it. It shows me how ready you are to move on from the old patterns. But if you need a break from all that, you can have a break."
"Thanks."
"For what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that you deceived Lisa more than you deceived yourself or that you used her in any way. If you were in a relationship with someone, I'm willing to bet she and her child were your top priorities."
"I tried to be what they needed. When I knew I was only putting them in danger, I asked Cas to wipe me from their memories." he said, "That was a monstrous thing to do to them and to Cas. You are allowed to hate me for that."
"Allowed, but not able." she said, "Sorry, kid, I still love you."
